The Power of Positive Self-Talk

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My name is Katie Mares, and this is the ladies take control podcast. I am doing this a little differently. This recording is being done solo. It is 1132 pacific time I am in California. I've been humming and hawing about what the solo episode was going to be about until about 24 hours ago. And 24 hours ago I had a, an incredible experience. humbling experience. And I wanted to share that story with you today. I wanted to come on here and talk about just how powerful positive self talk is in shaping your current reality. Have you ever felt found yourself being criticized or belittled by your inner voice? I know I have. Often, if you ever have, I promise you, you are not alone. And while this episode isn't all about domestic abuse, I have to bring it up because many victims of narcissistic abuse verbal, mental, emotional, psychological abuse go through such torment, that even when they get out, they still hear the voices of their abuser. These negative voices can make it extremely difficult to recover, to heal, and to move on in life. And that difficulty is on steroids when you're in it. Trying to out with the devil As Napoleon Hill writes about in that incredible book. Outwitting the Devil at wedding, that inner voice that tells you that you're wrong, that you are worthless that you that you are at fault, that you don't deserve the job, and you don't deserve the promotion or that. I mean, I know I'm guilty of this telling myself, I'm a bad mom, a bad wife. I mean, you look in the mirror and you want to get to the gym and you start beating yourself up about your weight or your your jeans that are maybe fitting too tight. Or maybe you committed to doing something and then you didn't deliver on that something and then that little inner voice is telling you that you failed. I for sure know that you are not alone. And that there are so many humans, if not all humans in this world that battle this, this is for everybody. So I felt called today to talk about the impact of subscribing to positive self talk, and what that can do for your life. So what prompted this episode as I was chatting about earlier here is really quite interesting, because it wasn't something that happened to me, it is something that is happening to another woman who was brave enough to reach out to me. I'm so grateful for you for listening to this podcast, for spreading the message. I'm so grateful for you that you have joined the community because it is because of this community, the ladies take control community that this woman has been connected to me now I am not a therapist. I am not a counselor, I do not have a PhD or a certificate of any kind. But I definitely have a professional designation in experience. And so when she reached out to me, and actually it was a roundabout way somebody knew about the community, then spoke to this woman and said, Would you be willing if I connected you with Katie, would you be willing to talk to her? And it took a little while. But she finally agreed. And we started having text conversations just about two days ago. While I was checking in on her today, she was just really down on herself. And you know, her husband is abusive. He's she cheats, he lies about it. She knows it. He gaslights her she can't leave because she has no money and she's trying really hard she's got her own account. She's trying to have the exit plan to have enough money to be able to leave with her kids and and she told me that I just I just want to be in peace and I just want to live on my own and I but I can't Why is it so hard and and she keeps going on you know Again, that he's cheating. And she goes, I just feel so dumb. And when she said that, my heart sank, and it sank because no human should feel that way about themselves. My heart sank because I was one of those humans that felt that way about herself. And it was a blatant reminder of how an unique my experiences are. And how many women get down on themselves. Now it is a much bigger picture. Women get down on themselves, not just because they're in domestic abusive situations, they get down on themselves because of social media, they get down on themselves. Because we've been conditioned to feel like we need to be perfect. And negative inner voice, just it comes a calling and a knocking so darn quickly.

So I asked permission, if I could give her some counsel, give her maybe a little bit of guidance. And she said, Yes. So I said to her, that's the first thing you can work on. She's like, first thing, I'm like, well, let's back it up. Actually, number one, you are not dumb, you are strong, you are brave, you are surviving. You are an incredible mother, you are taking care of your children, and you are still breathing. So let's get that word out of the equation. But the first thing that you can work on, I said to her is positive self talk. Now self talk is that internal dialogue we have with ourselves, it can be positive, and uplifting or negative and destructive. In the context of healing from an abusive relationship or being in an abusive relationship. positive self talk can help you counteract the negative messages, you're internalizing and reinforce your self worth and your boundaries. But even in life, and in any relationships you have. That internal dialogue that we have with ourselves, really shapes the way we show up the way the world sees us, the opportunities that come our way, the ability to keep moving forward to not slip into depression. And so it's important to choose a positive and uplifting inner voice instead of the negative and destructive one that we often without even thinking lean in on, we are somewhat asleep to the fact that we actually have a choice to speak kindly to ourselves to effectively use self talk, either in a healing journey, or in a season of life that might be in the valleys. Or if you are ramping up to do something exciting and you're afraid to take a risk or raise your hand for a promotion, or even in parenting. I have a few things you can add to your daily routine. So here we go. daily affirmations, you need to start each day with positive affirmations. If you have listened to a few of my episodes, or you follow me on social media, I am like a positive affirmation gratitude junkie. And it's not because of all the things that we see online that we should subscribe to. So I do it. It's like it actually works. So reminding yourself of your worth and the boundaries you have set. Extremely important. An example of an affirmation could be I deserve respect and kindness or that my voice matters and I will be heard another positive daily affirmation is I am enough. I am worthy of love. I deserve respect and kindness just to SET set there. It's so important. I am beautiful inside and out. I am smart. I am capable. I'm an incredible parent, an incredible friend and sister and daughter. I can't even begin to describe how these positive affirmations this positive self talk has saved me i have found me. And it wasn't easy. Because the inner negative voice is naturally going to come. It takes practice to be in full awareness of that negative thought and catching it, and then releasing it, and then replacing it with a positive and beautiful affirmation. Why is it so important that you do this in the morning? Well, it's important you do it all day long. It's really important you do it in the morning, because it sets your day up. It's really important you do it before you go to bed, because you're going to bed listening to positivity, and telling yourself of freaking awesome you are, I actually listen to positive affirmations and meditation every night before I sleep. And you deserve that extra few minutes to remind yourself just how wonderful you are. Here's another practice. So writing down your thoughts and your feelings. And using this as a space to practice your positive self talk. I started writing out every morning. So I would say these positive affirmations to myself, but then I would write out like a statement every day. I am a capable, loving, nurturing mother, who is working her butt off to provide I am providing I am smart. I am kind. I am a kickass speaker, I am an incredible writer. And I'll go as far as manifesting that I am a New York Times bestselling author because it'll happen. I used to put in and I still do. But at the beginning, it was just I just kept going my my positive affirmation statement was so huge. And it wasn't easy at first, to do it. But let me tell you, it just changed everything. And other practices mindfulness and meditation. So engaging in mindfulness practices to stay grounded, if you feel flighty, or you have that negative Nancy voice creeping in getting your feet on the ground. And taking a few deep breaths, as I said, you want to recognize it, you want to release it, and you want to replace the negative with the positive. And of course, your support system is so important. That's why ladies take control communities, it exists is to be a support system, but surrounding yourself with supportive friends, family support groups that share in your affirmations and your self talk practices. Because when you surround yourself with people that you want to strive to be that are possibly already doing this, you will more naturally be apt to succeed at it. Because they're going to pump you up and they're going to be there for you. And they're going to tell you what you don't want to hear but you need to hear. And they're going to love you unconditionally, and you're going to tell you how amazing you are, they're going to believe in you. When you might be too tired to believe in yourself where you might be too deflated, to believe in yourself. Surrounding yourself with people that have your back on a next level level. That makes sense is is so, so important. You need to continuously, continuously affirm your worth. Don't be afraid to set those clear boundaries and surround yourself with positivity because you deserve a life filled with love, respect and happiness.

And so as I was texting this beautiful soul, who's scared out of her mind, I couldn't help but see a little bit of a shift. When she said You're right. I need to do that more. As you continue on your journey of self coaching, self healing and transformation, always remember that every single step you take, even that step she just talk by saying you're right and acknowledging that she could do that more no matter how small it is. It is a testament to your incredible strength and resilience, succeeding healing, thriving, surviving, it is not a linear process, and it is okay to have moments of doubt and setbacks. But what matters the most Is your commitment to yourself and your well being, and shifting that negative self talk to positive, a positive inner voice that follows you around. Remember that this shift, this choice, to focus on your self worth, to focus on activating the muscle to recognize, release, and replace negativity, and the negative stories, you tell yourself, this isn't for anyone else, but you. Because regardless of your situation that you are in, you cannot control another person, but you can control your actions. But you must do it for you. I had a girlfriend the other day, we were at the gym, and we were helping her train and, and she said, I have to get bikini ready in 30 days before I see insert boy crush name there. And I stopped her. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, you cannot do it for him. You need to do it for you. And that's another example of a shift in your mindset. Because it's not about the other person. My daughter was blowing up my phone just the other day and telling me you know, her dad was picking on her and she was like, mama don't know what to do. And, you know, they were away on vacation and his girlfriend's three kids and, and our three kids, they're all together and they're trying to blend families. And I said to Li said right now your data is stressed out. But his actions are not your problem. You can't control you can't control them. But what you can do is control how you see the situation, what you can do, is have a little bit of compassion for him. Knowing that it's not easy having six kids run around. But Allah you need to do it for you because you deserve to not feel animosity, you deserve to feel joy. And only you get to choose what that joy is. You cannot control the outcome by controlling others period, you can only shift the outcome by shifting your mindset by shifting that inner voice from negative and destructive to positive and thriving. I'm gonna give you another real life example of from my life right now, that really displays just the profound impact that this shift in my mindset, and my my self talk has made in my life. I had to pack up my entire house just a couple of weeks ago. My belongings sit in storage. It wasn't the easiest task. Let me tell you, I had very little help. My kids are great. But their kids, my best friend, who is my rock, and he he was there for me too. But I packed up basically the entire house. But I gave myself permission to just take care of that, you know, I wasn't going to let that inner voice creep in and say all you're not working enough and oh, you're not selling yourself and you're not out there making money and you're not posting all the social media. And then Oh, and by the way, you didn't make dinner the other night the kids had to fend for themselves. I gave myself permission to just kind of take care of what needed to be taken care of which was really freeing. And giving myself that permission to not speak poorly to myself was even more freeing. But if I am honest, which I don't know how else to be these days, I was one person and it felt a little lonely. And I really had to be aware of the negativity that did swim through my head and and so I went outside and I sat on the front stoop and also gave myself permission to cry and I let it out completely. Irie placed those sad tears with commotion and grit and I just kept going. And even though it all wasn't easy, it was like my world was in color, even through the difficult time You know, and the shift and the power, that positive self talk has, I can only describe as it being like a room that was dark. And then I finally switch on the light, finally gave myself permission to love me. And to be unapologetically ecstatic about who I am and where I am in life and what I'm doing and where I'm going. And to give myself the ability to slow down just enough to be the light in my world. See how you see the world is how you experience it. And there's so much power, in the perceptions we hold, the perceptions we hold are formulated by the thoughts. We have, the emotions we feel are formulated by the thoughts we have. You get to be the light in your world, like you get to choose that it is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself. And that's why it's so important. It's so important to take a good hard look at yourself and say, What can I do right now, to make a positive change to the inner voice in my head, you'll probably get a chuckle out of this, but I've started dating recently, I get a chuckle out of it, because oh my gosh, dating in your 40s is, is something else. But positive self talk that power of positivity. And looking at myself in a positive way has made it so much easier to live as authentically Katie, it has made it so much easier to put boundaries up. Because I know my worth. I was actually tonight talking to a man that I've been on a few dates with about marriage. And when you get to this age, if you're chuckling, and you're single in your 40s, or you remember being single in your 40s you don't really beat around the bush about you know, stuff like this, because it's an interrupt moment, we don't have time to waste. But you get really comfortable getting the difficult things out of the way. For example, I most definitely want to be married one day, people might think I'm nutty. But yes, even through it all, I believe in romance, and I believe in eternal love. And I believe that I am deserving of that eternal love. And so I want to be somebody's wife, I want to have a partner that I fall asleep next to and every single night. And anyway, we were talking about marriage. And I said to him that I have experience with being with men that are either, you know, not all in or are not safe in any way or could care less about my needs. And the reality was is that I was okay with it back then because I made it okay, because I lacked self worth because I accepted what I thought I was worthy of. And so then I continued. And I said but today I want safe love, I want full love, and I want it because I deserve it. And my future husband deserves it to

seeing the world this way really allows you to live and experience life in a positive way. It's It is literally the greatest gift. The greatest gift that has ever been given to me has been this struggle over the last eight and a half months. Because in this struggle I have found myself and so if you are LOST if you are in the darkness. If you're humming and hawing over taking a risk and raising your hands if you are being victimized right now, just know that you get to choose your immediate world. And that immediate world is inside you and you can move through this struggle. And I'm not saying it's easy because let me tell you it is not easy, but I can say it from experience. It is possible. It is possible to find yourself in the struggle. Here's one more huge shift that has happened to me because of the work that I've done on my self talk. My negative self talk switched to positivity that has turned learned not even to self talk anymore. It's self belief. I no longer apologize for something I didn't do. I don't apologize for being my emotional self. I don't apologize for being overly caring. I don't apologize for being easily offended or soft hearted. I don't apologize for who I am anymore. I can't even describe how powerful it is and what an intense impact it is made in my world. Okay, one last story for the road, because this is probably the longest self reflecting solo episode I've done. But here's one more for the road. I was having dinner tonight with a lovely, lovely 29 year old young lady. I just met her and for context, it is July 9, I'm recording this. So I met her on the Fourth of July, here in California. And she said something to me that really prompted me to show up tonight, I knew what I wanted to speak about. But hearing her I was like, Okay, I have to I have to get the solo episode out there. Because it is so impactful, and so important. So this lovely woman, she is a diver and a surfer. She's a survivor of open heart surgery. And she continues to dive and surf. And I think she's a bit nutty. But that's okay, to each one zone, she has been toppled down by 12 and 13 foot waves she was telling me today, I mean, she has been pulled limited so far down into the ocean almost to death. And because of all of this, she's become really good at learning how to come her nervous system, and how to positively self talk her way out of what could be a fatal situation. But she shared with me that one of her diving lessons, the instructor, let her know that when you feel like you can't breathe anymore, you still have two thirds of your breath left. So when you're holding your breath, and you're holding it, holding it holding it and you're thinking I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't breathe anymore. I can't I mean, I just I need to breathe, I need to take a breath, I'm gonna die, you have two thirds. And I think she equated it to another 10 minutes of breath left in you. So she uses this, when she's toppled down by 13 foot waves, she reminds herself that she's got this, everything's okay, she switches immediately to a positive inner self talk a positive inner voice. Because the reality is, she actually has enough breath to get to the surface. But if she panics and tells herself, she doesn't, she won't, and it would be fatal. You have a lot more air left in your lungs, then you think you do. You have more breath in you. Even when you feel like you don't have any breath left. When you're tired and wanting to give up. You need to give yourself permission to exhale to see the goodness in you. And when you are being knocked down and feel like you can't breathe anymore. Just know that you have more in your lungs than you want or care to admit you are surviving life and love and business and parenthood. And unfortunately, for some you are surviving, intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, but you are surviving. And this is a very hard hitting truth that no one ever really wants to face. embody admit could Lord above knows that I didn't want to either oh, gosh, I had to look at all my ugly bits, all the bits that I knew I needed to change all the bits that if I didn't change I'd be on the same trajectory that I was eight and a half months ago in another relationship. That was less than stellar. With a man that treated me with this respect and me treating myself with disrespect and so on and so forth. Here it is. Thriving starts with you. We are surviving in life. Yes, but thriving, that's a choice. And that starts with you. I know your journey is uniquely yours. And your journey is one of courage, and transformation. No matter where you are in life, no matter where you are listening to this right now. You need to believe in yourself. You need to trust the process, and you need to keep moving forward with grace, grit, and determination. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your journey. I truly believe together we can create a future where your inner thoughts radiate positivity, that your inner strength shines brightly. And your true self is celebrated every single day. You can find all the information and takeaways from today's episode in the show notes or at ladies take control.com You can subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts. And if you like what you hear, please leave a review. Leave a voice note. And for those out there that are in the thick of it. I hear you. I see you and I am here to help in whatever way I possibly can