When you feel the weight of the world and it feels like a targeted campaign to bury you under it, that is called pressure. That pressure is created specifically with you in mind and is applied throughout this bitch called Life.
Do you feel the pressure? I do and it is tangible!
To me, it can often feel as if gravity is pressing me down into the ground. It is so easy to fold under that pressure; to simply give up and say, "GG's, I'm out! Fuck this shit! Y'all can have it;" to leave it all behind. I know. I have tried more than once to shut my eyes permanently. I was so spiritually depleted, that I felt ready to leave this hell called earth behind and end my mental suffering. It was reflected in risky behaviors and a lackadaisical attitude towards life. I did not care about me and had no inkling of my worth. I was worthless in my mind.
You see, I had been dealt a heavy hand and was placed in a war that my mind had never been properly prepared for or trained to wage. Spiritual warfare. We discuss spiritual warfare so often that it is automatically assumed that everyone knows what it is, as if that alone should assist us in battling it.
Do you know what spiritual warfare is?
When did you first recognize it?
Knowing what I know now about evil agents, human nature, toxicity, and the designs on my existence, I can look back in retrospect and see that this war had been taking place in my life since I was a young and tender girl that was easily molded and shaped, oblivious, gullible, and blind. Generational curses ran unchecked. I was completely ignorant to the designs on my life; the constructs; the plots to destroy me.
The awareness of it all came with the realization that it was not my physical existence that I needed to snuff out but my spiritual. I needed to dead some things in my life that had a chokehold on my spirit. Toxic root systems had formed and had conducted a hostile takeover; starving the good seeds and preventing true growth. A sacrifice was to made in order to elevate myself from the darkness of my mind and beauty for ashes was the toll to be paid.
I had to burn down the life I knew in order to replant with good seeds and reap a beautiful harvest. I had to acknowledge that after the destruction of my current state of being and thinking, that I must prepare and accept the long wait for different; for more than what I had been experiencing in this life. Like a forest victimized by fire, the desolation is heartbreaking! All that green life wiped away. It is an ugly sight and leaves one feeling as if nothing could ever grow there again. But that is one of Life's illusions to stifle hope and is a bold lie. The forest is not gone forever, for its roots run deep. It may take years, but that forest will indeed grow back transformed into a bigger, better, greener, and lusher forest than the one that was destroyed.
Awareness and acknowledgment leaves room for acceptance. I had to accept the "terms and conditions" if I wanted to become beauty for ashes. I had to accept the presence of toxicity within me; accept the roles that I willing played in the destruction of my mind, my body, and my spirit; face the ugliness head on and forgive myself for not recognizing my worth. I had to love myself, something I cannot remember truly doing, in order to transform and build myself back up the right way. I had to completely and thoroughly break myself down to the smallest molecule and start anew. It was a hellish process that I am still going through. Transformation is a never ending process and demands sacrifice. I am constantly regenerating and at each stage of growth, commitment, endurance, and persistence is a prerequisite.
I have so much growing left to do. But that bitch Life, she stay ready and waiting for the fall off, "preying" for the downfall. Her darkness is a Siren's song that tempts me with its cold embrace. I have to choose everyday to ignore her call. It is so easy to go back to that dark place. The place where my spirit, worth, confidence, and self-esteem went to wither away and die a willing death. Battling Life ain't nothing nice but I promise that if you are willing to change your perspective and rebuild, that you will be able to change your world. Amazing how a thought sparked can be the catalyst for change that can move the mountains in your life. Talk about power!
Pressure truly builds diamonds, but it takes believing and knowing that you are a gem. If you find it hard to believe that you are priceless; a diamond, then you will forever sell yourself short and be treated less than you are worth. This is an indication that there is hard work that needs to take place in your spirit. If you cannot see yourself in that deserving light, your battles with Life will maintain operations in its current state. But that aint easy, is it? If it were, we would see more healed people in the world, our communities, and families.
Are you still processing your worth and the abuse, mistreatment, and trauma that you have experienced in this life? Those very things had me thinking that I was worthless; that my life was meaningless. What can I say? Are we not our biggest bully? Our worst critic? I never had anything good to say internally about myself. How could I begin to believe anything positive about myself and life when at every turn I was being mishandled; experiencing events that left PTSD and planted poisonous thoughts? I stayed on a constant search for compassion-desperately yearning for love and support but in all the wrong places. I accepted the scraps thrown my way and ate them like my life depended on it. There was no real care or concern to found. There were no quality substances in those scraps, just malicious disregard and unbending judgments that helped to continue fueling the negative self talk that was, and still is, one of Life's beasts that I battle daily in this war.
What do you do when there is no empathy to be found? When it is just you alone with your demons?
We were not designed to be solitary creatures shouldering the burdens of life alone as singular and not plural. The weight of this world and its caste systems are heavy and has the potential to wear us down when it is just us in the heat of these battles. Reinforcements are a blessing but not always available. Yet, we still have choice.
We can choose to succumb to the darkness and the master illusionist, Life; to stay toxic, unhealthy, addicted, stressed, suicidal, enraged, violent, uncaring, nonchalant, or anything else negative that we find ourselves being. That darkness is predictable. We know exactly what it will provide and although, it has nothing of substance, we take a bitter comfort in its certainty. It be the unknown possibilities that we choose not to entertain. They spark a fear of disappointment; of being let down yet again.
Dare we trust it? The chance to have different? Happiness? The life we really want?
We absolutely can trust it and must if we desire to see past the downloaded lies. But know this, it will only be through choice that we achieve the vision for our life and the desires of our heart. The choice to press in and push towards our demons to slay them is a conscious choice. It will be a difficult and hard battle, but with a reward of beauty for ashes, it is a battle worth fighting and one that will be won, if only you believe in yourself, your worth, and your power.
Choose to burn down these designs on your life and rebuild anew. With a beautiful new design, tailored made just for you alone, you will witness elevation, growth, and allow space and opportunity to attract beautiful energies and experiences that are good for you; that feed you in healthy ways; that plant and water good seeds; that love you for you and all organically. You will know your worth and it will be clear for all to see that you do, thus making it impossible for anyone, including Life, to dictate your value.
At that point, you will have zero difficulty defending yourself against Life. The trials she sends to destroy you will become easier to manage and the faux energies and facades of her agents will be transparent. Just take care to never forget the sacrifices made to achieve that level of being. By not forgetting, we pay homage to both battles won and lost with an appreciation for the lessons learned and ensure that we are prepared for the ones that will inevitably follow.
I pray that we all choose to design and build the life we want to have and to stop that bitch Life from coming out on top. I believe in you! Do you?
Remember...beauty for ashes.
Peace, love, and light.
@Blakkmomba
