Again.
Here I am again.
Going above and beyond…putting myself out there. Being open. Being willing. Ready. Again. Another L. When will I learn? Am I destined to be alone? Why is it so hard to find a man that desires to treat you like you treat them? I want to cater to someone. Live to put a smile on their face. Make them feel real pure love. Agape. I’m far from perfect. But I’m fucking awesome dammit!!!
I AM:
Cool as fuck.
Different.
Chill.
Nerdy.
Gamergirl.
Bookworm.
Intelligent.
Faithful.
Loyal.
Nurturing.
Peaceful.
Affectionate.
Empathetic.
Strong.
A great mother.
The best friend you wish you had.
When I love…I love hard. But who the hell deserves the level of love that I bring to their table? Why can’t they see what’s in front of them? Is it me? I know I’m not perfect. I’m not a lot of things. But I’m stopping that train of thought. I be damned if I believed I’m the cause behind a brotha’s self esteem issues. His shortcomings. His deficiencies. His inadequacies. If he isn’t trying to grow from his messed up ways with the support of a real one, then that’s on him not me.
Like I said, I’m fucking awesome. And I deserve not to settle for less. I want to receive just as much as I give…forever a reciprocal. I can’t settle for less. And if that means that I’m alone and single for however long, then so be it. Let me continue to focus on myself. My health. My mind. My body. My family. My life. I’m not built to be out here having casual sex and hook ups. Even though I am a highly sexual being, I am interested in a life partner. I don’t want to do this life shit alone. I want to love on someone and give them the very best part of me. I want a husband. I want a man that will love my girls like his own and if he has children, I want to love on them like they are mine too. I want my booty rubbed every night. I want to give massages and suck dick at random and on command. I want someone who sees that I need affection and gives it willingly…never holding their love hostage from me. I want to build a life and legacy with someone. I want to bring someone breakfast in bed. I want a spades partner. I want a life coach by my side. I don’t want anything less.
I’m not mad at myself…I’m just tired. Yea, I feel a way. Who wouldn’t? I really thought the the men I gave the ball to wanted what I wanted. That they were willing to not be so hard with me…on me. To simply understand me. To know that I’m soft. A lady. That I’m cool but not cool with disrespect. I can’t allow anyone to talk to me any kind of way. Treat me any kind of way. I have lived that life a lifetime ago. Never again. If he can’t be willing to chill his tongue when addressing me then I would be the fool for sticking around after I’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not cool with that kind of talk. I would never talk to these men the way they talk to me. I made allowances for it in the past because they recognized that they can get out of order and was actively working on changing it. But a hard lesson learned was that I do not have to accept the disrespect and hang out until they decide to get it together!
Anyone who can’t take self responsibility for their recklessness and then turn it around and project it on someone else…smfh. Narcissism at an all time high. I lived with one for a long time. Almost lost my life behind it. But I digress…I can see all that shit. And I’m pointing it out. This is what you’re doing. This is how you’re behaving. What you are doing ain’t cool and I’m not cool with it. And if they can’t appreciate or understand that… there is no purpose in further interaction.
Things fall through and I am always left feeling like an idiot when they do or that trying to find love is pointless. I am an amazing woman. A deserving woman. And after writing all this, I realize that I need to stop feeling bad for putting myself out there. Again. For shining my light and sharing my energy. I’m unforgettable. And each time these dudes attempt to spin the block (they always do…sometimes several years later) they confirm it.
If someone can’t appreciate me for who I am and isn’t willing to do what it takes to have a healthy non toxic relationship, then I’m happy to see that ship crash, burn, and sink to the very depths of the bottom of the deepest ocean. Real talk. Now that I can see clearly for the first time in a long time, I see exactly what I have to do….Not be bitter. Not be pessimistic. Not be a quitter on live. I need to simply change my focus and what will be for me will be for me in the time that’s meant for me and if at all. It is hard to do though. I feel like all my love is going to waste. And dammit, I’m lonely. I’m skin starved. And it just sucks is all. Single life is no fun when you desire to be in love. It’s sad.
Pray for me because Lord knows, I’m not trying to fall off and go seeking affection and love in all the wrong places and I’m tired of crying into my pillow wondering when it will be my turn.
