02. From Codependency to No Dependency

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and remind myself that I bought a house, got my Master's degree, and published a book all before the age of 30. And yet I'm going to let my happiness be dictated on whether or not a guy texts me back? Absolutely not. Fuck that.

Episode Introduction (0:35)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and today I'm actually not a jaded gay. Yesterday, I went to the record store for a little retail therapy and ended up buying two Cher records. So, just fully embrace the stereotype, and I have no regrets.

Codependency (0:52) 

Anyway, thank you all for joining me for another episode. I'm really excited about today's topic. We are going to be talking about codependency, which I think is something that a lot of us have faced at some points in relationships, and maybe not even fully realized that.

But before we dive into that, let's pull our tarot card for the episode.

Tarot (1:10)

So today, we drew the Seven of Pentacles. And I really liked the Pentacles suit. It's tied to the feminine energy. So again, it's more reflection, meditation, mindfulness. And regarding the elements, it's tied to earth.

So, with earth energy, it's tied into being grounded, all-around structure, and stability. It really kind of reminds us about the roots we're planting for the hard work and labor we're putting in too, the results we hope to achieve, and the success and the fruits of our labor that we can potentially yield from that.

In numerology, the number seven is tied to planning and contemplation. And this card is really a reminder that we're in a time of growth and to have patience as we're moving towards the goals we hope to attain.

With this card, it's reminding us that our goal is in sight, but we haven't quite made it there yet. But instead of being frustrated by our lack of progress, we need to look at the progress we have made and be a little bit more kind and compassionate to ourselves.

We need to remember that the journey toward achievement, it's an adventure and not a destination. Or you might have heard in similar sayings, it's a marathon, not a sprint. And it's asking us to look inwards, and find ways of how we can enjoy the work we're doing right now. How can we enjoy it more as we're working towards that goal?

Basically, we need to understand that there's value in putting the time and energy, and sometimes the blood, sweat, and tears into the work we're doing right now for the longer-term rewards that we'll achieve in the future. And we just need to trust the process and trust our instincts and intuition.

And obviously, while this podcast focuses on well-being associated around coming to terms with our sexuality, overcoming shame, and pursuing healthy romantic relationships, if we look at this card in the lens of dating, we need to be patient.

Some of us might be too focused on getting to a particular relationship milestone, but we need to try and slow that down and just enjoy the time we have with that person. And ultimately, we need to be patient and continue to work on taking care of ourselves while we try to foster a relationship.

What is Codependency? (3:01)

So now turning from our tarot to our topic for the day: codependency. I was not necessarily familiar with this term initially when I started dating. But once I learned what it was, it resonated a lot with me in terms of the anxiety and being overly attached to a person.

So, for those of you who may be unaware, the definition of codependency is the excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. This has also been more informally referred to as relationship addiction, where basically a person forms or maintains a relationship that's one-sided, emotionally destructive, or even abusive.

Now with both those definitions, there is that part that touches upon being overly reliant on a partner who requires support around illness or addiction. But typically, codependency is a rather broad category, so it's not a one-size-fits-all. Through this episode, things we talk about in terms of signs of someone who's codependent or situations, it's going to vary from person to person.

Again, not always tied to addiction or illness. But really the overarching theme with codependency is that excessive emotional or psychological reliance on your partner beyond just being a little needy. It's where your well-being and your emotional health is actually being affected by your need to please your partner and be with them.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie (4:20)

So, the first time I really learned about what codependency was, was through this book by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More. Now this was originally published in 1986, so it is a little dated. It was fairly new at the time.

I don't believe the term codependent was coined until the late 60s or early 70s. And so within, you know, about 15 years at that, time this book was published and it was looking specifically at those people in relationships with alcoholics. There was some question whether people were alcoholics because their partners were too needy. They were looking at why people were staying in relationships with people who were alcoholics who were emotionally abusive or absent.

There are countless case studies portrayed through this. Actually, the author herself was a self-described codependent. But through all the individual stories, whether it was looking at larger group studies or individual case studies, basically it came to the conclusion that these quote-unquote codependents endured bad behavior and at times, they even enabled the addiction for fear of losing their partner.

So basically, the codependents let their partner's behavior affect them so much to the point that it drove them to become obsessed with controlling their partner's behavior. So again, in the context of the book, where they're talking about people who were in codependent relationships with alcoholics, they would go so far as dumping the alcohol in the house or limiting the times they let their partner leave the house to go out for social functions where alcohol might be present because they were trying to take care of their partner in a way to prevent the bad behavior that was then, in turn, affecting their emotional health.

And yes, while you want to be there for your partner and help them out while they're struggling, there's a difference between helping somebody out and taking on their problems and making them your own.

So, no surprise this type of over-involvement through trying to control their partner's behaviors led to anxiety and ultimately, the codependents began to forget to take care of themselves. So as a result, their emotional health and sometimes their physical health started suffering because of that.

Within the book, the author is illustrating that people who tend to be codependent don't really act but react to a partner's behavior, their troubles, or their misdeeds. So, this goes back to, instead of trying to act within what's in their control in terms of how they're responding to the situation, they're trying to control their partners' behaviors.

So, dumping the alcohol, trying to push treatment upon them, basically taking the problem and pushing solutions on the partner, even if the partner is not looking to pursue that. And again, while you may want to help your partner out, it's ultimately their responsibility to handle this.

And there is that difference, that fine line between being a supportive partner and trying to control this situation because ultimately when they're pushing these methods and solutions onto their partner, it's still just hurting them because they're trying to control the situation as if they were the ones going through it.

And when looking into the psyche of people who are labeled codependents, often they've been hurt in the past and caretaking becomes a way of achieving some type of stability and security in their lives. And they often tend to come from troubled families and have low self-esteem.

Ties to The Velvet Rage (7:19)

Now those two statements really jumped out at me through the lens of being a gay man, because I can see a lot of that tying back into what we learned in the previous episode through The Velvet Rage by Dr. Alan Downs.

If you think about it growing up, we hid our sexuality, we might have grown up in families where we didn't see representation of ourselves, we didn't have healthy perceptions of what gay meant. And we might have just been rejected as a whole by our family and known that this type of quote-unquote lifestyle was not okay and accepted by heteronormative society. And as a result, we've been hurt, we've been scarred and we have low self-esteem.

And like Dr. Alan Downs said, there tends to be an emotional detachment when gay men try to form relationships because the situations we grew up with have obstructed the path for us to achieve a healthy relationship. So, on one end of the spectrum, we have gay men who tend to be emotionally detached and they have trouble forming a meaningful relationship.

But now we're being presented with this other end of the spectrum where maybe we're forming too heavy of an emotional attachment too early on, and that's when we start channeling some of this codependent behavior.

Codependent Characteristics (8:23)

So, the author goes on to list out characteristics that often describe codependents, I'm going to read through these now. And as I read through them initially, a couple years ago, when I read this book, I identified a lot of that within myself in certain capacities.

Also, while I'm reading this out, remember, this isn't purely in the lens of dating somebody who's an alcoholic or has an illness. This is more so just behaviors where we feel too emotionally invested in somebody where our physical and emotional health are dependent upon them:

• So, codependents often feel responsible for other people's needs, feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and well-being.
• They feel almost forced to help others regardless of whether they actually want to help.
• They say yes when they really mean no, and they do things they don't want to do.
• They don't know what they want or need, or they feel that their wants are unimportant.
• They try to please others instead of themselves.
  • And again, that goes back to what Dr. Alan Downs said about working towards achieving authenticity, where we need to find ways to self-validate ourselves that bring us joy, instead of trying to receive validation through others.
• They feel safest when giving and are attracted to needy people.
• They get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
• They can appear rigid and controlled cough cough me.
• They worry excessively over minor things.
• They lose sleep over other people's problems or behaviors and can go to extreme lengths to control others.
  • Again, this goes back to talking about flushing alcohol, limiting time they're in social situations where they'll be around alcohol or even forcing therapy upon them.
• They pretend that circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
• They desperately seek love and approval often from people incapable of providing it.
• They don't take time to see if other people are good enough for them.
• They lose interest in their own lives when they enter into relationships.
• They latch on to whatever or whoever they think can provide happiness.
• They don't say what they mean or say only what they think others want to hear.
• They struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
• And ultimately, they can feel controlled by other people's emotions, namely anger.

So again, this all ties back to that concept of people pleasing and being inauthentic to ourselves, worried about how the situation might pan out instead of assessing if the situation is actually good for us.

Unable to Trust (10:38)

The one piece that really jumped out to me, too, was the statement that codependents don't trust themselves, they don't trust their feelings, they don't trust their decisions, and they don't trust other people, yet they try to trust unworthy people.

And again, this ties back to that concept of inauthenticity, where we are not able to achieve our authentic selves because we've been putting on a mask for so long, seeking the validation of others.

And you can see here that if it goes on long enough, you won't be able to trust your emotions or yourself even, and then you're losing yourself.

My Codependent “Relationship” (11:09)

So, I tried to do some research on specifically gay relationships and codependency. And I couldn't find hard metrics on this, there wasn't a lot out there. But I wouldn't be surprised if this was something that was more common within gay relationships, because of the shame and the experiences we had growing up being inauthentic closeted gay children.

And the risk then is if we're not working to find our authentic selves and validate ourselves, we're seeking validation elsewhere, including a potential partner who could be no good for us.

I have had my own personal experiences with being codependent in certain relationships. And at the time, I didn't have the words or the research for the knowledge of what codependency was. So instead, I felt like I was just going crazy and was an emotional mess.

You know, years ago, I did have a few experiences where I dated men who were alcoholics. And it was unknown to me at that time. Through the time we spent together, the more dates we went on, the more time we were in each other's presence, the alcoholic behavior and the dependency on substances really became evident to me.

But at that time, I was already so invested over this person I thought I knew that I wanted to do whatever it would take to make the relationship work. Namely, there was one person I dated who really was, I don't know if it was him or if it was just a situation he was going through. But his alcoholism was really becoming an issue.

He was not taking care of his emotions either. So, it frequently ended with either him saying terrible things when he was drunk or breaking down crying, and I'd have to comfort him and be his babysitter. And I did at one point try to get him into therapy, which he went to. And again, while all that might make me seem like a supportive partner, I had only been dating this guy two months.

Two months, and he's displaying this kind of behavior, and I'm taking this on as my own problem. I was a mess. I was crying myself when I'd go to sleep at night because I didn't know what was going to happen. I frequently didn't know when I'd see him because we'd make plans, and then he wouldn't show up because he went to get a drink with friends at the bar. And then three hours later shows up drunk at my place. And I couldn't tell what was fact or fiction.

I didn't know how he actually felt about me. You know, he said terrible things when he was drunk. Was he just being drunk, or was there some truth to that there? And ultimately, it really didn't matter because I didn't deserve that.

Again, that was like five years ago. But ever since that, I've had a somewhat complicated relationship when dating somebody if they're drinking around me. The problem is I have an almost heightened sense of awareness of knowing what drink they're on, how their behaviors are, are they starting to slur words.

And honestly, that's unfair because we've all gone out with friends to have drinks, sometimes we might have a drink more than we should. And that doesn't make us irresponsible. But because I dated somebody who could not manage their alcohol, I now worry that everyone I'm dating might slip into those behaviors.

I'm putting this unfair pressure on a guy I might be dating when they probably have a healthy relationship with drinking. But, because of the situation I was in in the past, makes me think the worst when it comes to that with anybody. And as a result, it messes with my mind. I get overly anxious, I get in my head, and I internalize it.

And this actually did play out with somebody else I dated then a few years later, everything started out great. For the first two weeks, everything seemed fine. We were enjoying each other's company. And then there was an event where there was nothing that indicated he had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but I got in my head about it and kind of convinced myself that he might.

And, also around that time, I felt he was starting to be a little quieter and distant with me compared to when we first started dating each other. And so, because of that, I started getting into my head about every interaction I had with him. How frequently he was texting me, what I was sending back to him. Did it sound okay?

I'd have to have my friends sometimes read my text to make sure I didn't sound quote-unquote too clingy or sound lame or stupid. When I was hanging out with him, I'd be so in my head that I was stumbling over my words and couldn't form intelligent statements back towards him. So basically, every conversation we had was just small talk.

I was nervous to be around him. But then I was also nervous if I wasn't around him. You know, I thought if he's not hanging out with me, Is he out at the bar? Is he with his friends? Is he cheating? Is he getting drunk? All these things that manifested in the past relationship I'd been in was now carried over into this. And again, I didn't have any proof that that was going on.

But I was carrying this emotional baggage into this with me. And as a result, I needed to know where he was 24/7, I wanted to hear from him at all times. I wanted to hang out with him all the time. I was just infatuated with him. And I never communicated these things with him, and I tried to play it cool so that it wasn't coming off clingy or controlling like that.

So, as a result, I internalized everything. And I was crying. I remember one time I was at work, and I checked my phone, and he hadn't texted me back yet. Keep in mind, it was a Monday, we were both working. I had to go to the parking garage, get in my car, and I called my good friend and ended up breaking down and crying to her for 20 minutes because I was so stressed over the situation.

Also, around that time, I was trying to find a new job. And there was some financial stressors in my life. So, I kind of viewed this person I was dating as my sole source of happiness. And you know, the job stuff wasn't going well, the financial stuff wasn't going well. But at least I was dating somebody.

But I was putting too much investment into that because that should not have been my sole source of happiness. And it really got to me. I mean, I was losing sleep, I was crying frequently. I actually lost weight, which I mean, it was summertime. So yay, I was ready for swimsuit season. But I shouldn't have been losing weight at that time. I couldn't keep food down; I had no appetite.

My friends saw how tumultuous I felt emotionally, my family, they didn't know I was dating him at the time, but they knew that I was really unhappy and that something was going on. Basically, I just felt this need to be perfect and be so attentive to this person because I was afraid to lose them. Because again, it goes back to, that was the only area of my life I was happy with at the time

 And let's use happy as a loose term because clearly, everything I just communicated does not indicate that anything about that situation was happy. When I look back, even I don't remember the happy times. I remember just being stressed and feeling sick all the time. But I was just so afraid of losing him, I wanted to do whatever it took to make it work, even if I wasn't happy.

But it got to the point that I couldn't put on this act forever. He was noticing that I was being distant now. And that there was kind of a barrier up between us and tried to work it out, but it was just too far along that I was in my head so much about how I showed up in this relationship. And ultimately, he did break up with me.

And the funny thing is, while yes, I was really upset about being broken up with, my anxiety went away right away. I had always been so anxious about him breaking up with me that it was more so the question of like, "Oh, is he going to break up with me?" But then, when he actually broke up with me, my anxiety immediately went away. And I was just really sad.

And you know, I don't know if something was going on. Maybe he was being emotionally distant, maybe I was reading too much into it. Regardless, after that relationship ended, I really kicked myself in the butt over it because I knew that I was not showing up my best self in that, and I was putting too much dependence on this person.

And even recapping the story right now, I realize how much of what I just talked about ties back to all those characteristics listed by the author in Codependent No More. And again, tying back to some earlier statements, this person that I dated, he was not an alcoholic by any means.

There was no illness or addiction that I witnessed there. That was a reason why I was codependent on him. I think it was more so that I was very needy and drawn to somebody at a time where I was not happy in my own life.

And so, I put this emphasis on this person I was dating and kind of that caretaker mindset where you're trying to achieve that security and stability. And I thought, okay, if I get that, then I'll be happy. But really, I just I fucked my emotional health with that so bad, and it took a long time for me to get back to a healthy place to date.

So maybe this situation is something reminiscent to you or maybe through talking about the book summary, you realized a few points stand out to you as things you identify within yourself. Or maybe you have had that textbook codependent relationship where you were dating somebody who, you know, was abusing substances, and you felt like you needed to take care of them.

Whatever it was, it's not a good feeling.

Thank You, I’m Disengaging (19:19)

And how do we get past this?

Well, Melody Beattie says in order to break the cycle of codependency, we have to learn to detach. She says that detachment is mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengaging ourselves from unhealthy entanglements and another person's life and problems.

And when I hear that, the first thing I think of is Meredith Marks from Real Housewives of Salt Lake City saying I'm disengaging. And you'll notice that though. I mean, obviously, what you know she goes through isn't labeled codependent, but anytime things turned south though she says I'm disengaging and steps away from the situation, which is honestly something we can all take note of.

So, in the scope of a codependent relationship, when we detach, we allow our partners to face the consequences of their own actions while we work out what we can and can't change and work to live in the present.

It's acceptance, it's release, it's moving on, we need to let their problems go. And it's important to really touch upon that point of understanding what we can and can't change.

We can't change the fact that our partner may be an alcoholic, but what we can change our response to that. Instead of taking on their problems, we can change our own circumstances.

We can choose if we're going to have a conversation with them and ultimately tell them this is hurting me, and if you're not going to stop it, then I'm going to leave. We can make that choice to determine whether we need to step away from this relationship for our own good.

We need to stop burdening ourselves with their emotional baggage and sort out our own to determine what will make us happy and do what's good for ourselves. And that might sound cold. You might think, oh my God, am I supposed just cut off this person entirely, let them go, and never talk to them again?

Kind of a gray area. Again, I think there's that fine line between being a supportive partner and taking on too much of their problems and falling into that trap of codependency. So really, you need to assess what is best for you and what makes sense for you.

How to Detach (21:05)

That being said, there are some guidelines in the book on how to detach from a codependent relationship.

We need to learn to recognize when we're reacting and giving away our control to another person. We need to make ourselves comfortable and step away either mentally or sometimes physically, and actively do something to restore our own sense of peace. We need to assess our situation honestly and do so with compassion. And sometimes, we might have to turn to a friend or professional to talk it out because we are going to be somewhat blinded by the situation we're in. And lastly, we need to establish what we can do now. These are the actions of getting us from point A to point B and understanding what we can and can't change. Do we need to set boundaries? Do we need to let a situation go? Do we need to leave someone? This is that time to figure it out. But it's important to note that we shouldn't jump to those conclusions. We shouldn't take hasty actions until we've reached a peaceful state. Basically, we need to realize that at the end of the day, the only approval we need is our own, and we need to learn to be able to depend on ourselves. And again, I think in that statement there, you can hear a direct correlation to what was said in The Velvet Rage.

You Are Loveable (22:13)

And it might be tough because, you know what, ultimately, after following all those steps, you might realize I can't be with this person anymore. Things aren't going to change. And the only action I can take to make change is to leave and focus on myself. And obviously, that's going to hurt.

But Melody Beattie had a really great quote in this book:

"We are lovable. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay."

And I think that quote carries a lot of weight. Even beyond the codependent relationship. I think that sense of rejection directly ties into overcoming the trauma and shame that we've experienced and endured as a gay community from childhood through adulthood.

You know, a breakup might really suck, we might really hurt, but it is not going to kill us. We are going to be okay. It might take time, but we'll get there eventually. And ultimately, we need to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves, both emotionally and physically.

Give Yourself Time (23:08)

And again, codependent relationships, they can happen at any point in the relationship, whether it's early on in the quote-unquote honeymoon phase or if they're years and years in the works.

For me personally, though, that first situation with the alcoholic tendencies, that showed up within two and a half months, which was pretty drastic and blindsiding honestly for me. And it resulted in me having trouble trusting myself and my intuition.

Following that situation, my counselor gave me some really great advice in a session one time, which has really resonated with me. And it's something that I've taken forward into all my dating situations since then, to kind of help prevent myself from getting too emotionally invested too early on.

He said, you know, when you think of those butterflies in the stomach, all those things, that's not genuinely falling in love with someone, because you can't really know who someone is until about six months into the relationship. Around that point is when you start seeing their real characteristics and behaviors and personality. And that's when you really get a feel for that person and can decide if you're really in love with them at that point.

And again, obviously, love is not a mathematic formula, you can't get to the six-month point and be like, yep, now we're in love. You have to trust your feelings and emotions. But when you're falling for somebody early on, you need to realize that this is still early on. They're still putting their best self forward.

You're in the honeymoon phase where things seem light and easy. So, you're falling for this illusion of a person. Not saying that's not who they really are, but you're still learning who that person really is. And as you spend more time bit by bit, you'll see a little bit more into who that person is.

And hopefully, it's somebody good and somebody healthy and with emotional intelligence, but to help yourself from being head over heels where you can't function and are getting way too attached at an inappropriate time, think of that mindset.

Think, I'm learning who this person is, and I may not know who they fully are until months and months in, so I can't let myself, you know, hold out hope all day long waiting for a text after the first week because I'm gonna let my happiness be dependent upon that.

Avoid Codependency (25:04)

Okay, let's put theory into practice. What are some ways we can avoid codependency?

First of all, I believe the biggest thing is do not lose sight of yourself. Even within the first two weeks when you're dating somebody, you're all excited, everything seems good. Obviously, you get those butterflies in your stomach when you're waiting for a text from them.

Don't put yourself on hold while you're waiting to hear back from that person. Or don't put your goals out of sight to make time for that person. You need to stay true to who you are.

So, it goes back to what we talked about last episode. Find that list that you wrote down of your passions and look at it again. And when you're dating somebody, if you feel yourself starting to feel a little clingy or stressed out or wanting to get together with them, but haven't heard from them in an hour to go back to your passions.

I'm gonna go back to the example I used last week: writing. If I'm dating somebody, and we're talking about, you know, maybe getting together later on, and now an hour's gone by, and I haven't heard back, I'm going to put my phone in the other room and not focus on it. And instead, sit down for half an hour and write and focus on that.

And in half an hour, I'll check my phone and see if they texted me. And if they did great, we can flesh out plans and figure out what we're getting together. If not, that's okay too, because I'm not sitting around with my phone in hand waiting for them, losing my mind.

I'm putting my energy into something productive, that makes me happy for myself. So, remember your passions and stick to those actionable steps, don't lose sight of your goals.

Also, make sure you're trusting your intuition and emotions. If something doesn't feel right, don't push it down and think you're just being crazy. Instead, communicate that clearly with your partner.

For example, if something is coming off a little shady, have that conversation. You know, and don't be accusatory in tone. Don't say you're doing this, you're doing that. Say, hey, when this happened, I felt like this. And see if you can understand what that situation was.

Maybe you were just getting in your head, and they do have a reasonable explanation for it. Or maybe they were in the wrong, and you're calling out saying, hey, this is how I felt, and I'm not going to accept that behavior if that's the case.

Either way, if you're with a partner who really cares about you, you should be able to have those conversations. And if they get defensive or walk out because of that, it's going to suck, but it's better to know that now than six months down the road when you're really invested and the same bad behavior's continuing.

If you feel like you're getting in your head too much, talk to someone whether it's your friend, your family, or even a counselor. Believe me, I'm type A, anxious, obsessive-compulsive, I'm in my head all the time. Sometimes, I need to call my friend to take a step back and say, hey, this is the situation.

Am I sounding crazy here? Does something seem off? Or I'll send a text message saying this is what they sent. Does this seem okay? But I need sometimes that, you know, third-party unbiased who's not involved in the relationship to help me understand if I'm really if I'm manifesting something that isn't there.

You also have to set healthy boundaries. Again, it kind of goes back to the example I was talking about with writing when I'm waiting on somebody. Make that time for yourself. So maybe it's, you know, every day, between the hours of two and three, I'm not going to check my phone, so I'm not going to worry about that person.

And at three o'clock, I'll check to see if they texted me. And if they did great. If not, no worries, I'll go back to me. I'll do whatever activity or hobby is making me happy for myself in the moment. I think it's also helpful, sometimes we read too much into texts, where it's like, oh, my God, they're not texting me anymore. It's been two hours since I've heard from them.

We should not be glued to our phones all the time. We should be living in the present, whether we're with the company of someone or whether we're by ourselves in our home. So set some boundaries for yourself too with your cell phone.

You know, don't check it every 10 minutes. Don't keep it in your pocket. Put your phone in the other room and set a schedule for when you're going to check it. Maybe it's every half an hour, maybe it's every hour. Odds are, if you're texting somebody throughout the day and you're loosely talking about making plans, if it takes you an hour to respond, it's not going to break the date for the day.

Disconnect from your phone, put it aside. Even when I'm watching TV or putting on a movie, I put my phone in the kitchen and then walk to my family room because that distance there helps me focus on just one aspect at a time. So, I can get out of my head instead of splitting my attention between two mediums.

And lastly, this shouldn't even be something tied to codependency this is just something you should do for yourself no matter what. Practice self-care and compassion. You need to forgive yourself for any mistakes, whether it's in the relationship or any past emotional trauma you're holding on to that's carrying into this relationship.

Accept that you're not perfect and move on from it. That can be difficult to do, obviously. So, when you talk to yourself, talk to yourself, like you're talking to a friend. Odds are, if your friend makes a mistake, you wouldn't say oh my god, you fucking idiot. What's wrong with you? I mean, with the exception of my best friend, she does talk like that to me, but we have a very different kind of relationship.

But for most people, you wouldn't talk to your friend like that. So, talk to yourself like you would talk to your friend. Be kind to yourself and talk through any hurt or any past pain or any mistakes you've made and come to a point of peace.

And this might sound silly. It takes a lot of time to work up the courage to do this, but do it. Go in your bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and name three physical things you like about yourself, whether it's your eyes, your lips, your hair, your arms, whatever it is. It could be something little, it could be something big, but three physical things you like about yourself.

And then after that, look in the mirror and tell yourself three characteristics or three successes you're proud of in yourself, whether it's you're a good friend, you're loyal, you're funny, or you know, you ran a mile in six minutes, or you hit a new fitness goal or something like that. Nothing is too big or too small.

But you need to find these positive things you like about yourself so that you can appreciate yourself, take care of yourself, and be mindful of how you're showing up in a relationship so that you can take care of yourself in a relationship.

Episode Closing (27:08)

And again, tying back to our tarot for the day, the Seven of Pentacles. I think you can see a lot of correlations between the earth element and how we are, in a relationship, planting roots, trying to cultivate something.

And we want to be mindful of where we're planning our roots, that it's in a secure, stable, structurally sound location so that we can yield the fruits of our labor and enjoy those. And it's a reminder too that, you know, just like a plant, nothing grows overnight.

It takes patience, it takes nurturing, it takes kindness to ourselves and to those around us to really build up into that.

And again, tying back to the romance component, we can't be in a hurry to reach a milestone. If the partner we're with is not right for us, we need to be patient and trust that the universe is going to be sending us the right partner if we're taking care of ourselves.

We need to cut away the weeds, cut back anything that's obstructing our plant from growing, and have faith that we're growing in the right direction towards the right outcome for ourselves.

All right, everyone that wraps up today's episode. I hope you found this topic inspiring and helpful. That you can bring this knowledge into your next relationship and learn to love yourself and make time for yourself while also loving someone else.

And if you liked what you heard, please rate, review, subscribe, and tell your friends.

And remember every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (32:20)

So, in the scope of a codependent relationship, when we detach *burp* oh, pardon.