05. Interpersonal Vulnerability: Overcoming the Fear of Rejection

Snarky Opener (0:00)

So, after years of hiding who I was and trying to create this perfect image and pretend to be straight, I'm now expected to open up and reveal my flaws to someone else without being afraid of them rejecting me?

What is this? Some kind of sick fucking joke?

Episode Introduction (0:32)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and today, I am a jaded gay, and I'm going to be serious here for a moment.

I'm a jaded gay because my grandmother, who I was very close to, recently passed away. Obviously, with any type of family member passing away, there's a lot of sadness and emotions involved with this. But with my grandmother's passing, it runs even deeper because she was somebody who truly accepted, supported, and celebrated me for my authentic self.

I'm out to my family, but I don't think I've ever fully said the words I'm gay out loud to anyone. When I came out to my parents, I actually wrote them a letter explaining that I was gay. I was too nervous to tell them to their face or call on the phone. And obviously, word spread through the family, so they all know.

And over the years, obviously, you know, it's been acknowledged, but I've never had that moment where I've said I'm gay out loud to any of my family members. With the exception of my grandmother. You know, I lived in New Jersey for a bit after college, and I was only about 10 minutes away from her. And, when I made the decision to move back to Pittsburgh, I decided I wanted to be, you know, open with her.

So, I did actually sit down at her kitchen table and face-to-face, have a conversation, and tell her I'm gay. And her response was, well, I know. And she was so nonchalant about it. You know, she was a very religious woman, but she was not judgmental by any means.

She told me that initially when she was younger, she thought that being gay was a choice, but as she got older and, you know, met more people, she really came to understand that, you know, being gay is how God makes people and he loves everyone just the same. So that was something really reassuring that I needed to hear from her at a time when I was very unsure of myself. Hearing things like, love the sinner, hate the sin.

And prior to coming out, you know, my family would ask, oh, are you dating any girls? Are you talking to any girls? After I came out that just stopped. It seemed like nobody had asked me questions about my dating life in a long time. Really, the only thing tied to LGBT matters is really around politics. We don't really talk about myself as being gay that much.

But that wasn't the case with my grandmother. You know, my grandmother and I spoke on the phone like once a week, especially during the pandemic, when we were both kind of in lockdown. She was at home alone and couldn't go anywhere. I was working from home, and I lived by myself so it was a good match. But over the years, you know, she just occasionally asked, so are you seeing anyone? You know, fully knowing that I was gay but still interested in my dating life.

And whenever I said no, she'd always say, well, don't worry, there's a lid for every pot. And just really reassuring like that. She even, you know, more recently, asked me if I wanted kids, and I said, yes. And she said, good, I'm glad it's good to have kids.

And actually, I think it was almost exactly a year ago, Pope Francis said that there needs to be legislation to protect civil unions between same-sex couples. You know, my grandmother told me about that on the phone. She was very happy about that. And then, actually, a couple days later, I got a letter in the mail from her, and she had cut out that article in her local newspaper and sent it to me with the note on top saying good news. Hopefully, you know, the church continues to move in the right direction.

So, she was very accepting and very affirming. And she's somebody that I'm really going to miss a lot. Even, like I said, beyond just the loss of a family member, this was somebody who, you know, loved and appreciated my authentic self, and I greatly appreciate that.

And you know, I've appreciated all the time I had with her. She had wonderful stories to tell. She was devoutly religious, but totally accepting of everyone. Believed God loved everyone, and she wasn't here to judge you for your past or anything like that. She just was a wonderful woman that you know loved everyone.

And with her passing, it's really inspired me to continue my journey of really trying to put kindness out into the world. You know, when there might be times where I'm impatient or quick to judge, really, just trying to take a step back and just, you know, say, what would Agnes do? And try to incorporate more kindness into my day to day.

So, for everyone who's listening right now, whether you're listening to this the day it's released, or months later, just, you know, in your life today, in your day-to-day, try to find a way to incorporate just a simple act of kindness. Because now more than ever, we could all really use it.

Interpersonal Vulnerability (4:31) 

So, shifting gears, obviously, kind of deep and emotional there. But this is a podcast about trauma. Today, we're going to be talking about interpersonal vulnerability, which is something I had never heard of.

You know, when I went about this topic, I definitely wanted to talk about vulnerability because that's something I recognize with myself. I do have trouble opening up romantically with people, and obviously, that's a roadblock for when you're trying to form a relationship.

But as I did a little, you know, general search for gay men and vulnerability, I came across this term, interpersonal vulnerability. So, I did a little bit more research on it, and it was really fascinating.

So, we're going to be talking about that today. You know, learning to understand what it is, understanding why more so gay men are affected by this, and then also, kind of learning some tips on how we can remove obstacles that are keeping us from being vulnerable.

But before we dive into that, as always, let's pull our tarot card for the episode.

Tarot (5:22) 

Today's card is Ace of Pentacles. Pentacles is a really interesting suit. I believe back when tarot first kind of came to be, it was referred to as coins versus pentacles.

So, if you think of the pentacles, think of a coin with a star on it, and Pentacles is tied to earth energy. So, think of being grounded, stability. It also goes back to reaping the rewards and enjoying the fruits of your labors. And with it being tied to earth energy, that is a more feminine energy.

So, it's more so reflective. So, taking time to meditate and think through what this card actually means to us. Now, in the tarot deck, as I explained in the earlier episodes, we have our suit cards, and within this suit, it ranges from ace to king. So, we have ace then 2, 3, 4, 5, obviously going on.

So, with ace being the start of the suit, it's kind of symbolic of that start of the journey, The Fool's Journey, which is the first card in the Major Arcana. So, you can think of this as a start of a new cycle, the beginning of something new. And specifically, the Ace of Pentacles is tied to new beginnings and abundance.

So generally, the Ace of Pentacles signifies that an opportunity or a gift from the universe is coming your way. Again, obviously, Pentacles goes back to coins and prosperity. So, this, typically may come as a new job or an unexpected sum of money, but it's all about beginnings so that you're taking that first step toward increasing prosperity and cultivating greater abundance for yourself.

Now, obviously, today's podcast episode, this isn't a financial wellness podcast. This is all about emotional health. So, tying it back to the aspect of, you know, love and relationships and, you know, your personal and spiritual journey, this could signify that we're going to be following a new path of self-care and wellness that leads to vibrant health.

It could also indicate that a new love is coming into our lives. Ooh, that would be nice. 2022 maybe it could redeem itself. Past years have been kind of rough for me. But it's also indicating that it's a time of increased abundance and stability in your love life. So, it's a sign to relax and enjoy what we have.

And I think that's something really important because for me, personally, stability is something that I've always sought out in a relationship, but I've struggled to find either through my own struggles I'm going with or through dating the wrong people.

I think you'll definitely see some ties to this episode with learning how to be vulnerable, revealing our true selves, and accepting that stability because as we shed the layers and show who we truly are, we're getting to form a deeper emotional bond with a significant other. And that can lead to that stable relationship we're looking for.

The Ace of Pentacles can also be seen as a green light to move ahead with what you're working towards. It's basically gentle encouragement for you to map out how you will achieve your ambitions, create targeted plans, and get those actions underway so you can achieve what you want.

So, you can think about that in terms of, you know, putting your emotional well-being forward, bringing healthy dating patterns forward, to achieve that healthy relationship you're working toward.

What is Vulnerability? (8:07)

As I said, I'm sure you could see a tie-in between the need to be vulnerable to achieve that stable foundation we're seeking in a relationship. So, from the Ace of Pentacles onto interpersonal vulnerability.

Like I said, this was a term I never heard of, but I know that obviously, vulnerability is a key component for any relationship. And being vulnerable in a relationship typically means allowing your partner to know your authentic self, your thoughts, your feelings, and your emotions.

However, if you look at the true definition of vulnerability according to Merriam-Webster, vulnerability is the capability of being physically or emotionally wounded, which is pretty scary. Because if you think about it, when you talk about vulnerability in a relationship, you think about opening up. You know, showing your flaws, being your authentic self.

But that obviously does leave room for rejection, and you could be emotionally wounded, as a result.

And vulnerability in a relationship is a struggle for anyone, gay or straight. You know, people have a tendency to fear that if they are open and honest and show their insecurities and flaws, they'll be rejected by someone they love.

And it's scary to think about losing that type of connection because when, when you lose a love, they're still out there in the universe going about their day-to-day, and you wonder about them. It's not, it's not something as final as when somebody passes away, that you know that's the end of that cycle, so to speak for them.

When somebody leaves you, it leaves you with questions, wondering, what did I do wrong? You know, where are they? What are they up to? How could I have changed the situation? And am I ever going to feel that kind of connection again?

So, it's no surprise that we want to put on this perfect show for the person we're with and maybe hide those flaws and insecurities so, that way, they look up to us, and we don't give them a reason to leave us.

However, being vulnerable is essential for building a relationship because it means we're letting go of our fear of rejection and opening up, which helps build trust and ultimately build stronger emotional bonds.

Gay Men and Vulnerability (9:51)

Now, that's a cute concept and all, but let's get real. As I went through that, I'm sure a few buzzwords jumped out at you if you've listened to the past episode.

So, I'm sure you recognized authentic self, rejection, emotionally wounded. And what comes to mind when you hear that? The Velvet Rage. We've been here. We know some of these struggles.

So, as we know from The Velvet Rage, historically, it has been very difficult for gay men to achieve their authentic selves and to present those authentic selves to the world. And it all goes back to growing up gay in a straight man's world. And it starts from a young age.

You know, we learn what's quote-unquote appropriate and not appropriate for a boy. We learn what it means to be masculine according to society. We learn, you know, how boys, you know, behave with one another, how their friendships differ than women. Typically, men have to be a little bit closed off emotionally, where women can be more open with each other emotionally.

And we're told all these things that don't fit what we feel. So, we're taught that what comes to us naturally is wrong. So, obviously, we're going to try to push that down, and we're going to mold ourselves to be what society wants us to be for fear of being rejected. And maybe even in fear of being physically harmed if we don't have a safe environment to be in.

And then, on the flip side, for gay men who are out, they might feel the need to try to be perfect to compensate for being gay because being gay is a quote-unquote flaw, and they need to overcome that. So, they need to prove just because I'm gay, I'm still worthy.

You know, I'm the most successful person I know. I have the best career, the most money, the best clothes, the hottest body. But there's a dangerous driving force behind that. It's not just because they're a motivated person. It's a motivation to prove themselves because they feel unworthy. And they feel unworthy simply because of their sexual orientation.

And understandably, when you want to be perfect, it feels very uncomfortable to open up about your flaws and insecurities to somebody. And a lot of us face that rejection in one form or the other, growing up gay. And we still bear the emotional scars of that.

And these emotional wounds, they manifest in our day-to-day lives, including in our relationship pursuits. So really, it's no surprise that vulnerability doesn't come easy for gay men.

In fact, vulnerability can be construed as something negative, representing overexposure to the effects of a hostile environment, or, on an interpersonal level, the possibility of physical and emotional harm.

What is Interpersonal Vulnerability? (11:58)

So, when I was doing a little research online about gay men and vulnerability, I came across a 2019 study published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy, and that's when I first came across the term interpersonal vulnerability.

So, this study defined it as a theme of self-perceived threats related to the individual's interpersonal domain, such as not finding love, being dependent on others, being hurt or betrayed by others, being targeted by others' cruelty, losing close people, and lacking a good family life.

So, unsurprisingly, a lot of those are things that we, as gay men, have struggled with. I mean, think about it, a lot of us grew up not seeing ourselves represented in media, so we never really saw what a healthy gay relationship could look like. And as adults, we're surrounded by straight people who seem to be pairing off left and right, and we feel alone.

You know, we're the third wheel in our friend groups, and we have that fear that we won't find that kind of relationship for ourselves. We also fear being hurt by others, whether it's our family and friends we come out to, who may reject us, or a partner or significant other that we think we can rely on, only to find out that they're no good for us.

And a lot of us experience some kind of stress on a day-to-day basis, wondering if we're going to be made fun of for being gay, whether it's going to the gym and being called a homo. Remember that? That was a great day for me. Or walking down the street being called a fag out of a car.

Or, God forbid, even physically harmed if somebody perceives us as being gay. So, there's a lot of factors and stressors here that contribute to this overarching sense of interpersonal vulnerability.

Levels of Interpersonal Vulnerability in Gay Men (13:21)

Now, the same study, this is pretty interesting. They actually compared the levels of interpersonal vulnerability reported by both gay and straight Israeli men. And the results indicated that gay men reported higher interpersonal vulnerability and higher depressive symptoms in comparison with heterosexual men.

And for the gay population they studied, there was also a stronger positive association found between interpersonal vulnerability and depressive symptoms. And I really like this quote that I pulled out from the study:

"The findings may be explained in terms of minority stress, stigma, family and peer rejection, as well as discriminatory local policies regarding minority rights, which serve as potential contributors to more interpersonal concerns and more depressive symptoms among gay men in comparison with heterosexual men."

So, there's lots to unpack there across a couple areas. One, from a societal acceptance standpoint, and two, from a relationship standpoint. If you think about it, when we were young, we didn't necessarily get the chance to be vulnerable. We had to hide those parts of ourselves to conform to society and avoid bullying.

And also, some of us didn't get a chance to date during our formative years compared to our straight peers, so we never really learned how to date. You know, a lot of people, a lot of straight people, get those early dating experiences in middle school and high school where they have these intense crushes. It's the love of their life. They think they're going to be together forever.

When they break up after a week, a month, three months, whatever, they're devastated. They think they'll never love again, but then, sure enough, they do. And they kind of learn what healthy dating looks like as they go through the years, you know, going through adolescence into early adulthood.

Whereas for most gay men, that's not necessarily the case. I mean, for me personally, I didn't start dating guys until I was 21. So, I was 21 years old, but from a dating standpoint, I had the emotional intelligence of a 13-year-old. And since I never had that chance to open up romantically in middle school or high school through dating, I was having these intense crushes at 21 years old.

And obviously, 21 is still very young, don't get me wrong, but I was just way behind in dating where I, you know, I thought, oh, I go on a date with somebody. They kiss me. They must love me. We're gonna be together forever. I don't think that's how many straight 21-year-olds think about dating because they've gone through that already.

Also, not only do we have to hide away parts of ourselves, including our behaviors, the way we dress, our, you know, wanting to date other guys, but we also may have had to try to act more masculine to overcompensate for our shame.

So, think about it. You know, growing up, I'm sure you heard things like, boys don't cry. You need to hide your emotions. Women are emotional. Boys aren't. We need to keep things about ourselves hidden. One, our sexuality. Let's push that all the way down there.

But two, we don't, you know, men aren't supposed to open up and have these big heart-to-hearts with other guys. Which is totally untrue, but that's a lot to take in at 13 years older, where you think this is how I have to be, and you just keep repressing and repressing and not learning how to be vulnerable, not learning how to be yourself and truthfully, just kind of feeling isolated from everyone.

And, supporting that 2019 study I was just talking about, a 2017 dissertation by Manuel D. Pulido titled Self-Reported Emotional State as a Measure of Interpersonal Vulnerability explained that interpersonal vulnerability is those vulnerable experiences we have in interpersonal moments, which from minority groups, is more likely to be tied to negative communication behaviors.

This dissertation also notes how LGBTQ individuals have historically been subject to a great deal of hurtful ethnocentric communication. And as a result, experiencing these negative communication acts and feeling greater vulnerability may actually make marginalized individuals feel less willingness to engage in future interactions with others.

So, let's take all that, you know, trauma right there, and then place it on an adolescent who's struggling with their sexuality and is closeted and gay. And then bring that forward to when they come out as a young adult, and they're open and gay and now trying to date for the first time. It's kind of a recipe for disaster.

And then, just to add a cherry on top to this, on top of these negative experiences we might have from society, maybe even friends and family who reject us, we can also experience interpersonal vulnerability from other gay men we associate with.

So, think about this. When you first came out, you were probably at your most vulnerable. You were afraid of what came next. You were afraid of who might accept you from a friends and family standpoint. If you're religious, you might be afraid of how that affects your faith.

Also, with politics, everything, there's just a lot of uncertainties, and you're very vulnerable. And, essentially, it all goes back to feeling like an other, like you're less than or a second-class citizen. And because of this, we might end up searching for acceptance and validation through a relationship.

My Experiences with Interpersonal Vulnerability (17:42)

Like I said, I was 21 when I came out, and I had never really dated in high school. A little bit here and there, but obviously nothing serious because I was a closeted gay boy. And so, at 21 I came out, and I just felt this kind of sense of liberation.

Obviously, I was scared of what came next, but I felt like nothing was holding me back now. I knew I always wanted to get married and have kids and have a family of my own, and I thought, okay, now that I'm out that weight's off my chest, and I can go forward and find another man and pursue a healthy relationship and build this life I always wanted.

But because I was at a very vulnerable point in time and had this kind of naive sense of how easy dating could be, I ended up dating whoever, and it didn't matter if they were good for me or not. And I started off thinking like clean slate. You know, here we go, starting to dip my toes into the dating pool. And these negative experiences through dating slowly began tainting my experience with the whole thing.

And as you go through being vulnerable because you think you can trust people, and I will admit to my fault, I probably trusted people a little too soon because, again, very naive. But when you open yourself up and feel like you can trust somebody, and then have these negative experiences, it begins tainting your view of what gay dating could be, what healthy gay dating could be.

And slowly and slowly, you begin closing yourself off, closing yourself off, closing yourself off until you really just don't want to reveal yourself to anybody because you think, what's the point? This isn't going to work out.

And it's funny because I can recognize, you know, I've been out for about seven years now, and I can recognize that, like I said when I first came out, it was really easy for me to fall for guys. It didn't matter necessarily what, you know, their personality was, or, you know, what their aspirations in life were, or, you know, whatever.

As I've gotten older, I've found it very hard to connect with other gay men beyond an initial friendship standpoint. Where it's, you know, if I meet somebody for coffee, I don't really feel, you know, it's very hard for me to feel that feeling of wanting to get to know you further beyond just a platonic connection.

And I've joked with my counselor that while I've had negative experiences with dating, they ultimately were great experiences because I learned a lot about myself, what I will and won't tolerate, and it has shaped me into the person I am today.

But I always joke with my counselor like I wish I could keep these dating experiences I've had, the wisdom from it, but hit the reset button on myself so that I could be open to somebody new and not have those initial fears of, you know, oh, what's the point of getting my hopes up? Because this is going to be probably, you know, another bad situation.

And where it comes to my own vulnerability issues, I've had a lot of struggles in terms of fearing abandonment from a significant other. And it kind of goes back to my early dating history. You know, the first guy I dated, maybe dating, you know what? I'm just gonna say dating is a very loose term here. Take it with a grain of salt.

You know, I was talking to this guy for a bit. We hung out only four times over the course of four months, but this was the first person I ever really hung out with. So, of course, you know, I'm head over heels for this guy, like a little, you know, schoolgirl crush. And I don't know if it maybe was the appeal with him or what, but there was a lot of uncertainty about when I would see him.

The first time we hung out, we had dinner, we hung out at my place, and I really enjoyed it. It was the first time that I'd gone out with somebody that I had both that physical and emotional connection with them, and I was infatuated. And then we made plans for the week after, and then he canceled them and then, I never heard from him.

And back then, I was a lot more shy than I am now, so I'm sure I probably did some things wrong where I didn't pursue as much as I should have. So maybe he got mixed signals too from me. But it would be one of those things where he would pop up three weeks later and be like, hey, let's hang out. We'd hang out, and then wouldn't hear from him again.

And then a month later, hey, let's hang out. And I mean, nowadays, if this happened, I'd be like, absolutely not. I'm not wasting my time on this. But back then, I was naive, and I really just wanted to spend any time I could with him. But so, there was this theme of not knowing when I would see him again.

So, when I wasn't with him, I was super sad and wondering, you know, is he ghosting me? And then when I was with him, it was this euphoric sensation of, you know, I finally get to see this person again I'm into so much. But there are a lot of highs and lows, which obviously isn't healthy. And then from there, I dated a few other guys who would contribute to this, you know, abandonment sense I felt.

There was one guy I dated who I should have known he was trouble from the get-go, but we were, you know, like hanging out for a month. I mean, we texted all day every day for a month, hung out, like, three times a week. And you know, the one night I had to drop him off at his job, so I drove him there, kissed me goodbye, you know, went home. He texted me. He said, you know, have a good night, babe, with, like, the heart-kissing emoji.

And then I never heard from him again. It wasn't just, you know, oh, we went out a few times and kind of like, communication veered off. Literally overnight, stopped hearing from him. And you know, that was that. And then three months later, I think, he texted me, he's like, hey, sorry. I know I went quiet. I just, I really liked you and I got scared, so I went quiet, but you didn't do anything wrong. Blah, blah, blah.

So obviously, you know, going to that a little bit, you can see that he probably had some vulnerability issues there, too. But being ghosted to that extreme really kind of throws you for a loop.

So, then anybody after that, that I talked to, it was a big fear that, if they're not texting me back right now, are they maybe never going to text me? Are they not going to show up when we make dates? Am I going to wait three days to hear from them now?

And that actually did manifest with a couple other guys I dated from there. Right after that, I ended up dating somebody who was an alcoholic, who lied a lot. He lied about his age, about things going on. And we would make plans, and then he'd go and get drunk at a bar and show up three hours later.

There was one day that after, you know, two months of dating, I didn't hear from him for a whole day when we had made plans. So, I didn't know if he was alive or dead. I knew he went out with his friends the night before, but I didn't hear back till, like, a day and a half later. And the only reason I heard back from him was because he showed up at my house drunk to hang out.

And again, wondering, when am I gonna see you again? Are you gonna hang out? Are you gonna break plans with me?

After that, I dated another guy who was very much into the gay scene. So, he always wanted to be out at the gay bars, and, you know, mingling with everybody and be the social butterfly. And we would make plans, and then he would change them on me. He'd be like, oh, I'm actually at the bar with my friends. Why don't you come out with me instead?

And it was never an even trade-off. It wasn't like, all right, we have some quality time the two of us, and then we'll have some time with your friends. It was always that. And it would always change last minute. So, when I would try to plan something, or when he made plans to say, you know, we'll go to dinner, we'll do this. Always changed. So, things were up in the air, and again, that contributed to another sense of abandonment.

So, when you take all these situations over the course of a few years and not really having any successful dating experiences in between them, really left me feeling closed off, where I don't want to open myself up to somebody who might abandon me and not, you know, text me back, or might just ghost me overnight.

And so, after that, I would still go on dates with people, but in the back of my head, I always thought, oh, well, this is just temporary. This won't last. You know, we're having fun, you know, tonight on this date or, you know, it's been a good week or two that we've been having fun, but I'm not banking on anything serious because it's not going to last.

Which sucked because some of these people I did like, but I just was, you know, trying to set myself up and prepare myself for what I thought was the inevitable. And so now, I kind of have this heightened sense of awareness where, when I'm on a date with somebody or when I, you know, see their dating profile or if I see them on social media, I look for any indicators or any red flags that they might be kind of a flighty person because I don't want to deal with that.

I know anytime you date, there's a risk of getting hurt, but it felt like for a while there was a pattern. And I don't know if I just had bad luck or what kind of vibes I might have been putting out there to attract these people into my life, but I didn't want to keep dealing with those types of experiences. You know, I want to date somebody who makes me feel safe, who I can be myself with. And these people were not that.

And funny enough, this type of situation actually happened more recently. At the end of 2021, I had gone out with this guy a couple times. We seemed to hit it off. Had good chemistry, texting, all that. After the second time we hung out, he said to me, you know, I want to take you out for dinner. So, I said, great, you know, that sounds good.

And then, you know, I continued to text him after that and just never heard back. At first, it was like little short answers here and there, but then just completely went quiet on me. And obviously, I'm older and more jaded, so I knew not to chase him.

You know, I obviously don't expect an immediate response, but if I text you something and you're not texting me back after a week, I'm not going to keep chasing. If you're not giving me any inclination that you're interested in me, I'm not gonna keep chasing because been there, done that. So, like I said, you know, nothing ever happened. Just kind of stopped texting him, whatever.

Then, two months later, all of a sudden, he sends me this big, long text out of nowhere, apologizing for ghosting me and saying, you know, I know you don't deserve this. You're a great guy, blah, blah, blah, but I got scared because I really started liking you and you're the first person I like since my ex, and, you know, had this whole bad experience with my ex, and then, you know, right after we hung out, he texted me and made a negative comment about me, and it really threw me for a loop, blah, blah, blah.

And that's all terrible, like, I mean, I'm not denying that, and I'm sorry that he experienced that. But what you have to realize is, when you do something like that, one, you should assess whether you're actually ready to date or not, because from everything he told me, take out the comment from the ex that just came out of nowhere, but from what he told me, if you're afraid to like somebody, then you're not ready to date again.

But two, you need to realize how you're treating other people because what he did is contributing to a cycle of hurt. And I'm sure I'm guilty of this too, that I've done in the past. None of us are saints. But think about it this way, you're the vulnerable, naive, new gay boy. Just came out. And you date somebody you really like, and you're being open and vulnerable with them, and then they do something shitty that crushes you.

Not just oh, you know, we're different people. Things aren't working out. They do something shitty. They ghost you, they cheat on you, they do something to really betray your trust. You know that hurts, and as that situation happens, you're going to start closing yourself off a little bit more and being a little bit more hesitant to then open up to other people. So, they put that hurt on you, and then maybe you date somebody, and they're being vulnerable with you, but you're kind of being closed off.

And then you do something to them. Well, now you just put that negativity on them where now they're going to start closing themselves off, and it's a repetitive cycle where we don't treat each other with respect. It's no wonder that none of us are forming healthy adult relationships because we are bearing negative trauma, and then we're also putting it out there with the people we date.

And for people who genuinely want, you know, a serious relationship, they might be so worn down from this kind of negativity and not wanting to be vulnerable that then they turn to casual sex or friends-with-benefits situations because it just feels safer. You know, they're getting their physical needs met, and there might be a slight emotional connection, but it's not as, they're not investing as much as they would into a true partner.

And again, obviously, some people just want casual sex. Some people just want friends with benefits. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm talking about this in the lens of people who want a serious commitment, who typically would not seek out casual sex or friends with benefits, but feel like that's their only option to get those needs met because they're afraid of opening up.

So, we need to learn to cut this, to cut the cycle, so that even if things don't work out with somebody, we're cutting those ties in a healthy way. And for those of us who want a more serious relationship, we have to learn to embrace our authentic selves, lower our guard, and quiet our fear of being rejected. And that's obviously easier said and done, but it really does matter, and I'll give you an example of why.

Going back to somebody else I dated. It was the first time I dated somebody in a while. I really started liking them. You know, started off the first week, felt like myself, seemed to have a good connection. But then I really got in my head about it. And this person was a little bit quieter than me, a little bit more reserved. And I can be loud, I can be goofy, I can be weird.

So, I really got in my head about that aspect because I didn't want to be too much for him. So, I ended up really kind of watering down my personality and my thoughts and everything. So, when we'd hang out, I would just kind of make small talk, but not really be able to be myself or make jokes or talk deeper about things that mattered to me. And I'm not talking about the first week of dating, I'm talking, like, three months into it.

And I kind of thought, okay, well, you know, as I get to date him, I'll be more comfortable with him. But it was actually the opposite because, after that first week of dating, I wasn't my authentic self. I wasn't who I normally am. I wasn't showing up the way I show up with my friends, my family, even some other people I dated. I was not myself.

And it became a catch-22 because as we continued dating, I continued to hide myself because I realized, oh, he's only seen this side of me, and now we're one month in, two months in, three months in and so he's dating me for this side of me. And not to his fault because, again, he didn't force me to be that person. I forced that upon myself because I was trying to be somebody to please him.

Now, maybe if I was myself from the get-go, maybe I would be too loud for him, maybe I'd be too weird for him, and maybe he'd end up breaking up with me early on. But after that experience, I've come to realize it is much better to be dumped by somebody that you might have a crush on, that you've only known for a couple weeks because you're being yourself then pretending to be another version of yourself and really falling for somebody, being in that for a few months, and being afraid that if you ever slip up and show your true self, you're going to be rejected by them.

And if you don't believe me, take eHarmony’s word for it.

The Importance of Vulnerability in Relationships (30:47)

Now, before I say this, I know eHarmony has a troubled past with the LGBTQ community in the past. Currently, they do accept gay and lesbian singles on their site, so moving into the right direction.

But I did find this quote on there about vulnerability that I really thought stood out:

"Vulnerability shows your date that you are emotionally available, in touch with your thoughts and feelings, and that you care. Vulnerability makes you relatable as another imperfect human. Even though it may feel uncomfortable, vulnerability is a form of confidence and self-acceptance."

So, as I let that quote sink in the first time I read it, you know, it immediately stuck out to me that confidence and self-acceptance is something I've struggled with, and it's something I've proactively been trying to work on throughout the years.

So, keep that quote in mind. You need to, above all else, accept yourself and have confidence in yourself. If you want to date somebody, you need to have those things, because you're going to receive what you put out there. If you're not putting out your best self, then odds are you're not going to receive a partner who's bringing out their best selves either.

So again, vulnerability is crucial for a healthy relationship, and obviously, it's easier said than done.

Become More Vulnerable in Your Relationship (31:51)

So how can we, as gay men, allow ourselves to be more vulnerable in relationships?

1. We need to figure out if we're actually ready to be vulnerable.

You know, going back to that guy who ghosted me because, you know, his ex sent him in text or whatever, clearly not somebody who was ready to date. So, you need to assess yourself.

Are you still hurting, reeling from a past relationship or past breakup, whatever, that you don't think you can move on from that person yet?

Because if you're still hung up on somebody, you're not going to get over that by meeting somebody new. If anything, you're just going to set yourself up for failure and bring that emotional baggage into that experience with you.

So, you need to understand why you've been reluctant to be vulnerable in the past. You need to identify specific events that cause you not to be vulnerable, and you need to work out your feelings and assess if you're in a space where you're ready to date and be vulnerable. And it doesn't even have to just be tied to a past relationship or breakup.

You know, if you're somebody who's super busy with work and always stressed, maybe now's not the best time for you to date because while you're balancing this workload and everything, you're probably not going to be able to put your most authentic vulnerable self out there.

2. We need to identify who we're currently vulnerable with and how we show up as our vulnerable selves.

And what I mean by that is, think of people that you feel closest with, whether it's a family member or a friend. Just think of those people you're closest to and how you show up with them.

How are you vulnerable with them? What do you talk about? Do you talk about, you know, your work struggles, or what you're concerned about, or, you know, share the happy times with them? You know, what's your personality like around them? Are you bubbly and energetic and funny, or do you tend to be more of, you know, sit back and listen to them? But when do you feel most yourself, and how do you feel most yourself with these people?

And once you've identified that you need to figure out how you can carry that version of yourself over into a dating situation.

3. We need to ease into it.

While, you know, we want to be our authentic selves that we've identified through our close friends and family. We've known those people for years, so obviously, we don't just want to drop, you know, 20 years of who we are on one person on the first date.

When you're dating somebody, you need to start small, but you still need to show your authentic self. So maybe you're not going to be totally how you are with your best friend. I mean, my best friend and I, we're super weird. We talk in Jersey accents sometimes. We quote reality TV. We're weird.

I'm not necessarily going to be showing up talking in a Jersey accent on a first date, or making all these big references, or being super loud and crazy. But I'm going to show aspects of my authentic self. I might, you know, hint at me and my friend quoting things, you know, or just basically making sure that I'm bringing my personality over into the date without overdoing it.

Because if this is somebody that I'm going to be making a serious investment in, they'll start to see those sides of me as we continue dating. And remember, a relationship should be a safe space. So again, on a first date, you want to impress your date, you're going to be a little bit more reserved, but you need to do a gut check and see how you feel with this person.

Is this somebody you can see yourself opening up to in the future? Are they somebody who seems empathetic, or are they very judgmental? Do they seem emotionally intelligent?

Obviously, you know, you're not going to totally know this from the first date, but these are some things to think of as you continue dating and as you ease into being vulnerable with them. But, like I said, obviously don't want to overdo it.

For example, I had been on a date months ago, and during the date, the guy asked me what my worst dating experience was, and I felt kind of rude to say this. Just kidding. I didn't say that. That would be totally rude. But you know, why on a first date would you bring up your bad dating experiences?

I mean, believe me, I think those are important things that should be discussed in a relationship, but not from date one. You know, that's something for down the road. So, you might get to that point, at some point, where you talk about your worst dating experience with a significant other, but you want to ease into that part.

4. Say what you need to say.

And this kind of touches back to that story I was talking about, where I wasn't my authentic self. I was very nervous to speak up, to say things I thought, you know, to make jokes I typically would make.

So, I wasn't being myself. Instead, I thought I needed to be cool and witty and just, you know, calm, cool, collected. And on the inside, I was really the opposite of that because I was trying to portray this image that I don't think I totally am. So, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and stress because of that, and that fake self I made only made me more anxious.

So, ever since that situation, I've tried to be more open about myself. You know, I open up about some details about my life. I'm not going to worry about saying the coolest things ever, you know. I'll try to make jokes. Maybe I'll stumble on my words because I'm a little nervous, but I'm gonna be myself.

You know, and another example of this is, in the past, I've been afraid to come off too strong with people I've dated, where maybe I had a really great date with them, or, you know, I missed them, or I really wanted to see them, but I held all that in because I was afraid of coming off too strong. And it even got to the point where I would have my friends proof my texts to make sure it sounded okay before I sent it to a significant other.

So, as I've gone forward, I've tried to be more open about that. Now, obviously, you know, after a first date with somebody, I'm not gonna say, oh my god, I miss you so much. I want to hang out again tomorrow. Blah, blah, blah. But I'll say, hey, I really enjoyed myself. I'd definitely like to get together again.

Because, you know, I can't just sit there waiting and hoping that they'll say the same thing because, on the flip side, they might be waiting for me to say they had a great time, you know. And if two people both had a good time but are too afraid to communicate it, it's not going to go anywhere. So, somebody needs to step up and be the person to say that. And you can't be afraid of saying those things.

I mean, if you think about it, a relationship, a partnership, it's supposed to be somebody you can share your feelings with and somebody that you want to spend time with and be around. So again, while you want to ease into some of these things, if you want to hang out with somebody, if you enjoyed hanging out with them, if you want to give them a compliment, say it.

And again, always be sure to incorporate your personality into your conversations. Going back to what I said, if they don't like who you are, it's better to know that at two weeks before you become too invested than putting on this fake show of somebody you're not, hoping to keep somebody.

And then three months in being so anxious you can't even finish a meal because you're so anxious you have no appetite and you always feel like you're nauseous. Believe me, I know. Been there, done that, don't want to go back.

5. We need to be willing to expose our feelings and ask for what we need.

And this was a really tough one for me because, again, I used to try to put on this facade of always being easygoing and happy-go-lucky and have this, you know, toxic positivity, where if something went wrong, I'd just be like, oh, you know, it is what it is. And then instead, turn it back to them, turn the conversation back to them because I'd rather hear what they had to say.

And if they had a bad day, you know, I'd want to hear about it, and I'd want to support them. But I was afraid to open up if I had a bad day because I was afraid of just coming across as being negative, and I didn't want to be somebody who burdened them or drained their energy.

And I thought, you know, goes back to me being perfect. I need to be cool, I need to be witty, I need to be funny. I need to show them that I'm worthy of this. So, if I have to complain about something, whether it's work or a neighbor or whatever, they might not like me because they might think, oh, he's so negative. Which really that's not the case.

Like I said, when somebody I'm dating has a bad day, I want to hear about it, I want to comfort them and support them. And I need to be willing to accept that myself. And again, if you're dating someone and your goal is to form a life partnership with someone, then you need to allow yourself to be open with your feelings and vent to them in an appropriate way.

Because as partners, we should be there to support our significant others in a healthy way. Obviously, we don't want to be codependent or anything like that, but that's what partners do. They support each other when they're going through a tough time. And you know, when you have a tough time, you need to communicate what you need. If you're having a bad day, do you need their company? Do you need a hug? Do you just need some space?

You need to communicate that with them so they know because none of us are psychic. We can't read each other's minds.

6. We need to say what we really think.

We need to be our own person and understand that it's okay to disagree with somebody we date. We can do that in an appropriate and respectful way. You know, we're not always going to see eye to eye on things.

So, if you're talking to somebody and they have a totally different view than you do, you know. Say, you know I respect what you're saying, or I can understand where you're coming from, but I disagree with that. And you can explain yourself.

You know, not everything has to be a loud debate where you're yelling at each other. It could be a conversation, you know. So, while you want to be respectful and reciprocal of these differences, you shouldn't have to water down your own thoughts or wants to appease your partner. Because if that's the case, that's an indication it's not a healthy relationship.

And you know, maybe if it's something big you disagree on, then that's a sign that you two aren't meant to be. So, take it this way. If it's something big, like that that you disagree on, either it's something that's not meant to be, or if it's something that isn't that big of a deal, but you're nervous to say how you actually feel, because you want to appease your partner, something's not right there, and you need to reevaluate and reassess.

Vulnerability Tends to Receive Positive Feedback (40:24)

Now, I know that probably seems like a lot. Again, being vulnerable is easier said than done. But, just remember, it takes time to learn to be vulnerable. So, the more you do this, the more you ease into these things, the easier it gets. And I can say that from experience.

Like I said, after that bad breakup where I had been a false version of myself, I kind of vowed that I would never do that again. I, you know, obviously, I'm not going to come off too strong from the get-go, but I'm gonna let my personality shine through because I don't want to feel like I'm on this podium and need to be perfect and afraid to make a mistake because I'm afraid one little thing that doesn't go perfectly is going to make me lose a partner.

Odds are that's not the case, but if it does, then they're not the one for me. So, as we're coming to the end of this episode, just remember to take baby steps. Obviously, this is scary because at the root of vulnerability is being afraid of being rejected. But the good news is, you're not alone. Pretty much everybody feels this.

Everyone is afraid to be vulnerable. This is something we all struggle with. And on top of that, people generally respond to displays of vulnerability in positive ways. So, while it might not be easy to be the first initiator of that, if you're vulnerable with somebody, odds are they'll start opening up to you too.

And over time, the two of you will open up more and more and really get to build a solid emotional foundation with each other and know your authentic selves. And again, if you open up to somebody, and they respond negatively or cut you off from that, odds are it's probably them.

You know, I had dated somebody who I had opened up to about, you know, some of my mental health struggles and some negative dating experiences I had been in, and he seemed very, you know, respectful of that at the time. But then whenever we got into an argument, he would throw that in my face, he'd say, well, you're not taking your medication, or, oh, you've only dated, you know, fuckboys before, so of course, you can't value when somebody actually treats you right. Which was totally uncalled for. So that's an indication that somebody is using your vulnerabilities against you.

But typically, people won't respond like that. And, you know, like I said, if you're vulnerable with somebody and they respond negatively, while it might hurt and it might suck to lose that, it's probably better to know now than later. And look for the red flags with that person.

You know, looking back on your dates, were they somebody that seemed empathetic on your dates, or did they tend to be judgmental of people around them? You know, struggle with emotional intelligence, just not seem like somebody who's dependable.

But on the flip side, we also need to be accountable. So, if you had been dating somebody who you didn't get any red flags from, they seemed like a great person, and you opened up to them about something and they rejected you or responded negatively to it.

And again, you know, they seemed like somebody you could lean on and trust, maybe take a look at yourself and see how did you open up to them? Did you open up maybe in an inappropriate way? Was it bad timing, or was it too strong, or something that you laid on them way too early?

Again, we don't want to place fault on ourselves and fall into this trap where we think every time we're rejected, it's something that we did wrong. But there are certain circumstances where we need to be mindful and recognize if we actually did do something wrong.

But like I said, while it can be scary to be the initiator, ultimately opening up to somebody tends to receive positive feedback, and then in response, they'll open up to you.

Episode Closing (43:41)

So that's it for today. I hope these tips helped you. Again, you really gotta just ease into it, take baby steps, because it can be scary, but just find some ways to incorporate this into your day-to-day, and maybe even start with a friend, just trying to be more vulnerable with a friend.

You know, if you have a bad day, and maybe, typically, you wouldn't let them know about it, let them know and see how they respond, and use it as practice. Practice for when you're pursuing an actual date.

And the good news is, as you do this more and more, you'll be more comfortable with being vulnerable. And as you become more comfortable with being vulnerable. Chances are, you're more likely to form a healthy relationship with somebody.

And again, tying back to tarot, you know, the Pentacles suit is very tied to grounding earth energy with building stability and structure. So, by incorporating these tips into our dating habits, we can start building more stable connections with one another. And hopefully, you know, find that relationship that we feel safe and secure in.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (44:22)

Thank you again for listening. Be sure to rate, review, and subscribe.

You can also follow me on social media on Instagram and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (45:10)

That was a pretty good shuffle. Go me.