08. Finding Your Community

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Just because I have social anxiety and don't identify with the gay party scene does not mean that I should resort to spending all my time with mediocre heteros. Okay?

Episode Introduction (0:29)

Hello my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a jaded gay because I am being stalked by birds. I am not a bird person. I'm kind of afraid of them.

Not in the sense of, like, seeing them in the sky; I'm scared. But I just, I don't like them near me. I don't like them flapping their wings. I don't, like, I think they're dirty, you know.

I'm not afraid of the movie The Birds, but I just, I don't want birds near me. And since I've lived in my house for about four years now, these birds are obsessed with my house.

Literally, two years ago, they were pecking their way through my gutters to get into my attic to nest. And I had to hire some guys to come and put in some drip edge, cover it up, and get rid of the birds. Right?

Literally, they're back this year. They are pecking away at my roof. I hear it every morning. They're trying to get back in. I hear their wings flapping. They're angry. It's not good.

And so, I'm, I'm at my wit's end, and I'm taking every action I can. I bought some reflectors from Amazon that basically they're like these, like little almost CD-like spheres that reflect light, and you hang them up around your house.

So, I have three on my back deck. I had to hang two out of my bedroom windows. One on the side door of my house because there was a bird trying to nest in the eaves there, and a couple on my front porch.

And it looks ridiculous, and people must think I'm crazy, but I just want these birds to leave me the fuck alone. So, keep me in your prayers, please.

Anyway, we're not here to talk about birds. We're here to talk about gay and emotional trauma. So, let's dive right into it.

Find Your Community (1:58) 

Today, we're going to be talking about how to find your own community, which I think is really important.

Because, as we've talked about in past podcast episodes, gay loneliness is a real thing. You know, growing up not seeing yourself, makes you feel other.

And then even as an adult, we don't have the same rights and protections as our straight peers. And there's just always a sense of feeling like a second-class citizen, and it can make it hard to find your community and your group.

So today we're going to learn a little bit more of how we can find other gay men in our communities that, not even from a romantic relationship standpoint, but just platonically, we can form connections with.

Because I think it really is important to have those deep connections of friendship within the gay community as well.

So, before we dive into it, let's pull our tarot card for the episode.

Tarot (2:41) 

So, today's card is the Five of Swords. So, in the tarot deck, Swords is tied to the element of air. It's masculine energy.

So again, this is more action-oriented. And the Sword is really tied to our thoughts, ideas, and words, and how we communicate that with others.

And you could kind of think of it along the lines of the Sword of Truth. Now in numerology, the number five is tied to change, instability, and loss.

And looking at the Five of Swords, some of the, the key meanings associated with this are that there's conflicts or arguments and additional challenges potentially on the horizon.

So interestingly enough, this card tends to show up when there's some kind of conflict in your life, and it can signal that you're walking away with a sense of sadness and loss.

And even though, as we walk away, sometimes we set that conflict behind us, it can still be difficult to really forget that and to move beyond that.

And this card can also indicate that we're competing with others on our path in life. So, you can view others as being threats to our own happiness, and you feel competitive and that you need a win no matter what.

And I can already see some tie-in from this card's themes into today's episode, because if you think about it, a lot of us are coming from a place of, maybe not conflict, but from some inner turmoil.

From coming out and entering the quote-unquote, gay world and kind of figuring out, okay, what's next now that I'm out?

And so, we're on this journey of, you know, loss and sadness, where we feel alone and we're carrying this heavy burden.

So, we're not sure what's really on the horizon for us. And sometimes it actually seems like there's a sense of competitiveness between gay men.

You know, somebody needs to be the hottest or the funniest. And, you know, this can lead to kind of some of that, you know, cliquey mindset of people, you know, gossiping or talking about each other and not getting along.

And really, we're already a small community, so we need to learn not to tear ourselves apart and to come together. You know, there's room for everybody, and we should be supporting one another within the LGBTQ community.

So, let's keep that in mind as we talk about ways to find our own communities as gay men.

The Importance of Finding Your Community (4:29)

And like I said, a lot of us probably experience some loneliness, feeling that we are this other. You know, I know one, with dating.

You know, you could see everyone around you, your straight friends around you, are all in relationships and married and having their, their lives kind of beginning, whereas we gay men may not have that same experience.

You know, a lot of us might still be single or struggling with finding a healthy relationship. So, you can kind of feel lonely in the world of, of romantic relationships.

But also, when you feel that sense of being different from your core group of friends. You know, you kind of feel lonely in that sense that you don't have friends that are on the same, you know, trajectory as you, and might not understand where you're coming from because you've, you had totally different lives growing up.

And this is something that I've gone through with some of my straight friends. You know, they, they think when it comes to dating, it's simple enough that you could just put yourself out there and, you know, oh, it'll happen when you least expect it.

Really, though it's not. And obviously, this episode isn't tied to, you know, finding a partner in life, necessarily. This episode is tied more so it's just finding your community of like-minded friends.

So, I'm just kind of throwing that out there to show that picture of how you can feel lonely within your friend group when you still even feel like an other within that friend group. And for myself, personally, part of this is my own fault.

When I first came out, you know, I had a good group of friends. I mean, they were all straight for the most part. And me, coming out, I viewed the gay community purely as a dating pool.

You know, I didn't really feel the need to go out to gay bars, really. You know, I'm not really a big bar person. I don't like, you know, partying and drinking a lot.

So, I didn't really see myself as somebody drawn to the appeal of, you know, gay bars or clubs. I'm also not a hook-up type of person.

Obviously, no judgment and no shame in that to anybody. We're all looking for different things in life. But that's not really whatever you know, felt comfortable to me.

So, I was always somebody that was looking for a more serious dating partner. So again, I kind of just viewed the LGBT community as my dating pool, where I just was, you know, reaching out to that community when it was time to date.

And then that was that. I had my straight friends separate from that. And then the gay community was just where I could find my dates.

So, there were these two separate areas, and I was not really merged into it. But then the thing is, when those dating situations or relationships didn't work out, I was left alone.

And, you know, I didn't have gay friends to fall back on who might have those same experiences. Instead, my core group of friends who were straight were all in serious relationships.

And, I mean, obviously happy for them. I'm not here to say that, you know, everybody should be suffering with me. But it just really kind of shone a light on that juxtaposition there.

So, I, you know, I could go to them with my problems, but it felt like it wasn't totally understood. And again, that contributed to a larger sense of loneliness for me.

And so, I got in this mindset, like I said, where I viewed the gay community as my dating pool, but not actually a community where I could find like-minded gay men purely for friendships.

So, this was something, you know, I started recognizing a few years ago, and I've really tried to make a conscious effort to be better connected with the gay community and make gay friends. Again, doesn't have to be romantic.

In a platonic sense, is fine, but just to have those connections. Because as I'm getting older, you know, I realize I'm not on the same trajectory as my straight friends, and that's okay.

But the thing is, those have been my core friends for so long, and now that we're not on that same trajectory, I'm realizing I don't have many friends that are in the same situation as me.

So, it's really up to me to find those friends and make those connections, because I know there are other people like me out there.

But obviously, it can be challenging, not just for me, but for anyone. It's you know, as you get older, it's harder to make new friends, let alone friends, specifically in the gay community.

Cities vs. Rural Areas (8:04)

So, with that being said, we obviously know that cities are larger hubs for members of the LGBTQ community. So, if you're not living in a city, it can make it a little difficult.

You know, especially in small towns, where there may not be as many opportunities to connect with other like-minded individuals. So obviously that can make it a bit difficult.

The silver lining of the pandemic, though, was that there was an uptick in terms of groups and organizations that met virtually.

And because of that, even though we're somewhat in a return to normal, whatever that may be, a lot of these organizations are still offering a virtual option.

So, you know, if you're, if you're somebody who's not in a city, maybe you can find a city that's near you, that's, you know, within maybe half an hour to an hour distance from you, that you can drive to, to join these organizations in person, or perhaps that they have an online option.

So, there's some ways to get involved there.

Gay Bars (8:51)

Now, like I said at the beginning of the episode, obviously gay bars and clubs are kind of, you know, a given way of how you can meet members of your community, but they're not for everybody.

You know, I will say I personally have not had the best experience with them. Again, I'm not a big bar person. I'm not really a big drinker.

I don't mind drinking socially, but I'm not the type that wants to go out and party all night long. And I don't really like being in those situations where people are, you know, loud and maybe drinking a little bit more than they should and getting a little crazy.

That just doesn't feel comfortable for me. And being in Pittsburgh, obviously, it's a smaller city, so there's a smaller gay population. And because of that, it's kind of like everybody knows everybody there.

And I found that because of that, there can be a slight sense of cliquiness within some of the gay bars and some pockets of toxicity. Now I've talked to other gay men who are from other cities, and they said that that's everywhere.

So, I think you kind of have to just feel it out for yourself. You know, I definitely don't want to say, don't go to gay bars. Check it out. You know, see, go there, see, you know what the vibe is like.

Maybe it's a really cool, laid-back place where people are, you know, just looking to socialize and get to know others.

So, I would definitely at least dip your toes in that pool and figure out what that kind of environment is like in the areas you're at and see if that's something you're comfortable with.

Because obviously, there are going to be a large number of gay men there. Also, for the gay bars, check out their website. See what kind of events are coming up.

You know, they might have a Drag Bingo or, you know, some kind of social hour thing. Something along those lines. But sometimes they have these events that are additional opportunities to meet others.

You know, other than you know, we're at a bar, let me buy you a drink standpoint. But actual activities where you can get to know others.

Now, if you're not into the bar scene, that's totally fine, because there are a lot of other ways to connect with others. And actually, I've met a lot of great people that I've become friendly with outside of the gay bars and through organizations that I've gotten involved with.

Equality Centers & Volunteer Groups (10:38)

So, number one, I would definitely recommend checking out your local equality center for a few reasons.

One, they have resources to support you as a member of the LGBTQ community if you need any support. But two, there's a ton of organizations within them.

You know, they have directories of contacts, of organizations, and there's also some opportunities to get involved and volunteer, which you know, it always feels good to volunteer.

It puts you in a better mood. It makes you feel, you know, you're making a positive change in the world, and you can meet others through that.

And while we're on the topic of volunteering, there are actually some gay-focused volunteer groups. There's one that I belong to here in Pittsburgh called Gay4Good.

Gay, the number four, good. All one word. They're actually a national organization, and they have chapters across the country. So, I'm just going to read their current chapters.

There's:

• Arkansas
• Boston
• Chicago
• Columbus
• Dallas-Fort Worth
• Denver
• Los Angeles
• New York City
• OC-Long Beach
• Palm Springs
• Philadelphia
• Pittsburgh
• Raleigh
• Rocky Mountains
• San Diego
• San Francisco
• Seattle
• Twin Cities
• And Washington, DC

I actually got involved with Gay4Good back in 2018 and I've really had a great experience with that. How it works is that obviously, the chapter consists of volunteers from the LGBTQ community, and they connect with local nonprofits in the area for community service projects.

So, the nonprofits aren't necessarily LGBT organizations, but the purpose of that is to kind of create some community between the LGBTQ community and local affiliations within your respective cities.

In the past, I've done some river cleanups here in Pittsburgh. There was a volunteer opportunity with a local shelter where we got to make enrichment toys for the kittens.

We planted flowers at community gardens in one of the neighborhoods. And actually, most recently in November, there was a fundraiser and a clothing donation for winter clothes, like sweaters, coats, jackets, all that.

And I've met some great people through that. And actually, one of my good friends I met during my first experience volunteering with them, we started messaging on Facebook after the event and connected.

And he actually introduced me to some of his friends who I've become acquaintances with, although they live in a few different cities, but we stay in touch through social media.

And this person that I met through the volunteer organization, actually, it turns out, when I bought my house, he's only about, you know, 15 minutes from me.

So, we've hung out quite a few times together. We both love gardening and plants.

You know, we've gone to local nurseries together, gotten our gardening supplies for the seasons to clean up our yards and all that stuff.

So, I'm really fortunate for that experience and that I got to meet this person through that.

Meetup Groups (13:11)

Additionally, there's a website called Meetup.com where you can find events and organizations in your area that are focused around specific topics.

So, I just typed in LGBT Pittsburgh Meetup, and they pulled up a page here, and they have a few groups.

So just going through here they have:

• Pittsburgh LGBTQ Friends
• Pittsburgh LGBTQ+ Meetup
• Single Out Social Group for LGBTQ Singles
  • Which I actually attended one of those events probably five years ago. It was just a bunch of single people within the LGBTQ community. We met at a restaurant, you know, we sat at tables to get to know one another. I think the purpose of it is to actually, you know, meet potential dating partners. But for me, it was just a nice way to connect with others in the community, just even from a friendship standpoint.

Also going through some of these organizations in Pittsburgh, there's:

• Conscious Lesbian and Queer Dating
• There's 412 Step, which is Pittsburgh's LGBTQ+ line dancing, two-stepping, and waltzing class
• And there's the Not Gal Pal's Book Club

So, there's a lot of organizations there. And you know, if you go on Meetup and you're looking in your area and you're not really seeing anything that appeals to you, just Google a hobby or activity you like to see if there's a gay organization that supports that.

You know, for myself, I am a big reader, and last year I Googled, you know, gay book clubs, and sure enough, I found one in the Pittsburgh area.

And it wasn't in the, it wasn't included under that Meetup page, but they did have their own website. And I joined them in May of 2021, and I've been with them ever since. And it's great. You know, it's, been remote still during the pandemic, but I've met some great people through that. Every month, we get together to discuss a book that's by a queer author and has queer topics in it.

Some of the books are okay. Some of the books are not my favorite, but it's exposing me to books that I typically wouldn't read on my own, and I'm getting to meet other people to discuss it, and, you know, hear our thoughts on it.

And actually, it's led to additional opportunities from there. The man who leads it and myself, we've been in communication because he's actually looking to start a nonprofit around LGBTQ literacy and providing resources to local writers who are aspiring to be authors.

So, we're in the very early stages of talking about that, but that's a great connection that I was able to make through this book club.

Online Groups & Chats (15:18)

There's also online groups and chats like Reddit.

Now, I will admit I don't use Reddit. You know, in general, I've never really used it. I was more of a BuzzFeed kind of guy myself.

But, you know, I know people who use Reddit just general purpose, you know, and they enjoy it.

But there are actually a lot of gay threads within Reddit where, you know, if you're looking to just make an online connection with somebody and kind of have, you know, a pen pal via Reddit.

You know, that's definitely an avenue you could take just to meet people.

And who knows, through talking to people on Reddit, you might stumble upon an organization in your area that you weren't familiar with before.

LGBTQ+ Affirming Faith-Based Groups (15:50)

If you're somebody who's religious, I know a lot of us gay men, we have a complicated relationship with religion, but some of the more liberal religious organizations out there do have LGBT groups within them.

I know there is a Universalist Church here in Pittsburgh, and they do have an LGBTQ group that I was actually potentially looking into getting involved with.

I haven't yet, but just figured, you know, I might, you know, put the feelers out there to see what that's like. But, you know, there's some faith-based organizations as well.

I know for a while, I don't think they have it anymore, but they did actually have a queer Bible study in the Pittsburgh area that I never got to attend, but that would have been a good opportunity for me.

So, if you're somebody who is religious, there are also organizations out there.

And I think that could be really beneficial, because sometimes it's nice to, you know, again, having a complicated relationship with religion, it's nice to find a gay-affirming environment where you can kind of merge, you know, your sexuality and your religion together.

Employee Resource Groups (16:45)

Also, depending on where you work, they may have an LGBTQ employee resource group.

You know, since 2020 a lot of companies have been increasing their DEI efforts, and this includes launching employee resource groups.

So, if you're not familiar with what that is, essentially, it's just kind of an online hub where you can connect with others from a community you identify with.

So, you know, with an LGBTQ employee resource group, depending on the size of your organization, they may have just their, their main chapter.

Or if it's a larger global company, they might have, you know, chapters for specific areas that you could be a part of. But really it helps just connect you with other LGBTQ professionals in your organization.

And they have events and sometimes resources, you know, such as, you know, mental health resources, things like that. And it's just a nice place just to have yourself represented in the workforce.

And you know, they might also have, you know, social events as well, which, if you're able to participate, just another great way to meet people. Because again, you know, you never know who you might meet through meeting somebody.

So just because you go to this event and you may, you know, you may not totally hit it off with anybody there, they may have a friend, or know somebody that you know is also a member of the LGBTQ community, that you may really connect with.

You know, the more people you meet, the, the broader your network expands. Because you're not just meeting these people.

You might be getting to know their own individual networks, or they may be able to connect you with somebody.

So really, you know, while for some of us, it might be a little uncomfortable to be out in the workplace, that is another avenue for you to potentially meet some people in a much more local level.

Friends of Friends (18:15)

You know, this might sound silly, too, but you can also ask your friends if they have any gay friends. Or if they, you know, have a gay co-worker or anything.

And not in the sense of, you know, set me up on a blind date. He's gay, I'm gay. Maybe we'll hit it off. No, but just to have a sense of community and meet somebody else.

Unfortunately, in my friend group, I guess I'm the token gay friend, and they've hit their quota, but you never know. Maybe your own friend group is a little bit more diverse.

Or, you know, maybe they went to college with somebody who's gay, and you guys can just even connect through, you know, social media or having a FaceTime conversation, just something to connect with others.

Gay Apps (18:47)

And also, don't discount the apps.

Now, I know, depending on what apps you go on, it might be more hookup-focused. I know there tends to be a lot more of a sexual focus placed upon those apps, but you never know.

There are some people who genuinely are just looking for friends.

Or sometimes you'll see that there's couples on there that, you know, maybe they're open, maybe they're not, but they are just looking for friends as well.

And additionally, for the dating apps, you know, if you go out with somebody and you guys, you know, have, you know, a good connection, but you're not necessarily feeling that, that romantic connection there, you know, there's still an opportunity to, you know, form a platonic relationship there.

You know, one of my close friends and I, we actually started out. We met through one of the dating apps. We hung out, you know, off and on for about a month.

Kept in touch that way, but really just, you know, the connection wasn't there beyond, you know, platonic. And we had a conversation, and, you know, we were both very receptive to it.

And he became one of my really close friends. And during the pandemic, we hung out almost every day, you know, whether it was just, you know, ordering takeout and watching movies or just hanging out.

You know, laying out in the sun in my backyard, whatever. He was in my, my covid bubble, though. And you know, I think we really helped get each other through that, that really rough time during the beginning of the pandemic, when everything was locked down.

So again, you know, don't discount somebody just because you're not interested in them in a romantic way.

Again, it goes back to that saying that I've seen on Instagram where it's like, you know, just because you're not attracted to someone doesn't mean you have to be mean to them. Which is absolutely true.

Create Your Own Group (20:11)

And while this might be a little nerve-wracking if you're unable to find the group you're looking for, start it yourself. Because odds are, you're not alone.

You know, you can start an online group really easily. You can have Zoom meetings, whatever.

So, if you're looking for, you know, a monthly discussion on, you know, maybe a type of video game you play, or, you know, just some kind of pastime or hobby you like, put your feelers out there.

Being in this remote world, we really, you know, there are no boundaries really.

Just because we might not live in the same neighborhoods doesn't mean we can't connect through, you know, a video call once a month to kind of bring our mutual interests together and form friendships that way.

Episode Closing (20:47)

But just like anything, this isn't going to happen overnight.

So, your loneliness isn't going to change overnight, and you're not going to, you know, make a new best friend overnight. You have to kind of keep with it.

So, with any of these means, I told you about in terms of meeting others, you know, commit to going a few times.

Don't just go once to a volunteer organization and say, oh, I didn't know anybody there, or I was too shy and I was really nervous, so I'm not going to go back. Try to go at least three times. And stick with it.

You know, don't just try one platform, necessarily. Because, you know, maybe a gay book club isn't your thing, and you've gone to it a few times and you're not liking it.

But then don't shut down and just say, all right, well, I'm taking a step back from all of it. Try something else. Try one of the Meetup groups.

Maybe try an app. Maybe, you know, go to a gay bar, or see if there's an LGBTQ Employee Resource Group at your company.

You know, unfortunately, you're not going to necessarily find your best friend just through one avenue one time.

It's an ongoing process where you need to continue putting yourself out there through a few different areas, trying to meet others.

And it may seem like a drain on energy at times, but you know, it is worth it.

Because, again, it's helpful to have others that know the same situations you're going through and that you can be your authentic self with.

And again, going back to our tarot reading, you know, this can be kind of a lonely journey we're on sometimes, where we're, you know, moving forward with sadness and loss, because our friendships are ebbing and flowing.

You know, maybe our past friendships are starting to falter a bit because we're on different trajectories in life.

Or maybe you're still carrying some emotional baggage from coming out and, you know, feeling like an other.

So, we're on this journey forward to find where we belong, you know, both romantically and platonically. And from the platonic standpoint that we're looking at today, we need to put ourselves out there.

We need to take action, like our tarot card suggests, and put ourselves out there. And we need to remind ourselves, too, this isn't a competition.

You know, we don't have to be the hottest or the smartest or the funniest.

We don't have to outdo each other in these organizations, because sometimes when you get a group of gay men together, it can be a little competition, and people have to talk about, you know, their accomplishments and outdo one another.

No, let's show up as our authentic selves. Let's get real. Let's get vulnerable.

Let's be open to meeting others so that we can build healthy connections within our communities, so we have that friendship network to fall back on at all times when we need the support and to give the support to them too.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (22:59)

I hope you guys found this helpful. Definitely feel free to message me and let me know.

You know if there's any other organizations out there I might be missing, or tell me your stories about how you've met some of your, you know, close gay friends through getting involved in local, you know, community organizations and events in your areas. I would love to hear it.

And I think it's really important to share that positivity with others, to give us all a sense of hope. So yeah, definitely share those stories. I would love to hear them.

You could connect with me on Instagram and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. Or my personal Instagram is @rob_loveless or Twitter, @robjloveless.

Please remember to like, rate, and review the podcast, and be sure to share it with your friends.

And as always, remember every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Thanks again for listening, and I'll talk to you next week.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (24:09)

Um, there's one that I belong to here in Pittsburgh called Gay4Good.

It's spelled gay, the letter four. Wait, letter?

Number. Whoops.