102. Let's Normalize Being Single and Happy

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Why am I still single? Because at this point in my life, I am unwilling to mingle, Deborah.

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and today I am, I don't know, I guess I'm like half a jaded gay and half a non-jaded gay because as of recording this, it's early May. I'm loving the change in the weather; we're getting some nice warm weather.

But we're also not at the point where it's consistently hot. Like, yeah, we've gotten a few 80-degree days, but then overnight it drops down to 50 degrees still. And then the weekend after that, it'll be like in the 60s. So, you know, really, I'm just kind of channeling my father who did this my entire life growing up. But I'm not ready to turn on the air conditioning yet.

Like, I don't want to waste the money having my air conditioner run when it's going to get really cold at night still. So, with that logic in mind, I haven't turned on my AC yet. So, like sometimes during the day, it'll be really hot. 80 degrees and my house gets all the way up to, like, 76 or 77 degrees, and it gets a little hot. So then I have to, like, open my windows at night for when it lowers into like the 50s and cool house back down.

So I'm kind of going through like this wave of back and forth with it being too hot, and then too cold just trying to balance the house out. So I'm a little jaded because I don't love being hot all day long and sweating. But at the same time, I'm non-jaded, because, in my mind, I'm saving money, so we'll call it a draw.

LGBTQutie Shout-Out (1:43)

But I could also potentially be leaning non-jaded today because I am very excited to have our first LGBTQutie shout-out.

We are ringing in the month of May with Brian Ringer, who joined Patreon as an LGBTQutie. So, thank you so much, Brian, for your support. He has joined at the $5 tier.

For anybody else out there, if you join at the $5 tier, you get exclusive monthly bonus content, you get a very cute LGBTQutie shirt, and you get a shout-out on the air.

So, thank you again, Brian. Thank you for representing as an LGBTQutie, and Happy May.

Single Man Out (2:13)  

Anyway, moving on into the topic today. Most of my life, I've been self-conscious of being single. And I remember in middle school and high school, my friends started having their first boyfriends and girlfriends. And I felt like the odd man out like no one wanted me since I was single. And I felt like I was missing out.

Plus being closeted, I was afraid people would think I was gay if I didn't have a girlfriend. And then in college people began having more serious relationships. And I remembered that my parents met each other in college. So, I was like, this is it. I need to find my soulmate now. Plus, people would ask me questions like, are there any girls you're talking to? So, I knew there was an expectation for me to date. 

Also, around that time, my younger sisters were starting to date their boyfriends. And I was like, what's wrong with me that I'm older than them, and I'm still single?

And when I came out at 21, I thought, okay, this is it. Of course, I was never able to date in the past because I wasn't being true to myself. And now that I'm out I can find the love of my life. And as I went through my early 20s, I had bad dates and bad flings and was still single while my friends were starting to get married. And for a long time, this caused me to feel lonely and like I wasn't good enough.

Luckily for me, this narrative slowly started to shift. And this past year, I really found that I enjoy my singleness. But I think a lot of us feel pressured to date and get married young because that's what we've seen older generations do, including our parents.

But that isn't realistic for a lot of people our age, especially when you consider the fact that a lot of gay men didn't get to have those innocent crushes and quote-unquote relationships in middle school and high school like our straight peers did. So, we need to normalize being single, being single by choice, and just loving where we're at today. So, we're going to talk about that.

But first tarot time.

Tarot (4:02)  

So, the card for this episode is the Page of Swords. Swords, as you know is tied to the element of air. It's masculine energy, and it represents communication, thoughts, and ideas. In the Minor Arcana, Pages are the first of the court cards.

And as such, they have a childish, playful nature to them, and they're very energetic. You know, there could be some naivety there, but also there could be more openness to the wonders around us.

But numerically speaking, it's the eleventh card to appear in the suit of Swords. So, numerology, we add double digits together. Come on, do this one with me. One plus one equals two. And the number two, it's tied to duality, partnership, and choice.

So, when we draw the Page of Swords, it's indicating that we have an eagerness to learn. And this card usually appears when we're taking on a new mindset or adopting a new way of thinking. It's reminding us that new perspectives and opportunities lie ahead for us.

So, we need to follow our enthusiasm to explore these. And really, we're just bursting with energy to try something new.

What Does it Mean to be Single? (5:01)

So, with that in mind, let's get back to our single lives. And first off, I'm going to ask the question, what does it mean to be single? Well, here's a brief answer from Wikipedia:

"In legal definitions for interpersonal status, a single person refers to a person who is not in committed relationships, or is not part of a civil union. In common usage, the term single is often used to refer to someone who is not involved in either any type of sexual relationship, romantic relationship, including long-term dating, engagement, marriage, or someone who is, quote-unquote single by choice. Single people may participate in dating and other activities to find a long-term partner or spouse."

How Many People Are Single? (5:40)

Now, according to a 2023 blog post published by the International Union of Sex Workers, there are approximately 2.1 billion single people worldwide.

So, if you're one of those 2.1 billion know that you've got options, and you're in good company, because I'm one of them, too.

Anyway, in the United States, there were approximately 126.9 million single adults as of 2021. So even though that number is a little bit smaller than the worldwide count, you still got plenty of options.

But despite that large number of singles, there still seems to be this perception that if someone is single, they're unhappy or lonely, or that there's a specific reason that they're single. Like there's something wrong with them that's resulting in them being single.

Single Shaming (6:23)

In fact, in March 2021, cosmopolitan published an article on single shaming. In it, Haley Quinn, a dating expert for Match, explains that single shaming comes from the idea that being single is somehow lesser to being in a relationship.

In fact, Match found that 52% of people had experienced single shaming since the start of the pandemic. 38% said they'd been pitied for not having a partner. And 30% said they've been pitied for living alone. In 2022, the BBC also took a look at single shaming.

Here's a passage from their article:

"Single shaming results from negative biases about people who are not partnered. They must be sad and lonely for not having a partner. They're actively looking for one but haven't found a match yet, and there must be something wrong with them that's causing them to wind up alone. All these stereotypes are driven by the pressure to conform to long-held societal standards. Get the partner, shared home 2.4 kids, and a dog, and a person has assembled all the ingredients they need for a happy life."

And the BBC article also references the Match study, which says that two common single shaming phrases single people heard from others were:

·       You'll find someone soon

·       And you must be so lonely

And some phrases I've personally had directed at me are:

·       I give you credit, I wouldn't want to be out there trying to date

·       And, oh, well, you can do those things because you have more free time since you're single and don't have kids

Not All Singles Are Treated Equally (7:48)

However, both those articles note the difference between society's view of single women and men where single women are considered quote-unquote spinsters while single men are considered quote-unquote bachelors.

And just like not all genders are treated equally when it comes to being single, not all sexualities are treated equally either. You know, there tends to be a stereotype that gay men are promiscuous, which is a reason why they're single. However, that's actually not the case.

Gay Men Aren’t Single Because They’re “Promiscuous” (8:14)

A Medium article from June 2020 took a look at the most reliable dataset regarding gay men and their number of sexual partners in their lifetime, which comes from the General Social Survey. In it, data was collected from 12,000 gay men between 2008 and 2018.

And the definition of sexual partner was generally defined as oral, penetrative, or simply sexual experience, such as mutual touching. Again, I know 2018 was a little while ago, but to my knowledge, this is the most recent numbers we have. Anyway, the survey found that 52% of gay men had between zero to 10 sexual partners in their lifetime.

The article also takes a look at two studies from the UK and Australia, which surveyed 20,000 and 25,000 gay men, respectively. In both studies, approximately 50% of gay men reported that they had zero to one sexual partner in the past year.

So, as you can see, you can't just assume that gay men are single because they're quote-unquote promiscuous. And that's kind of a limiting belief considering it doesn't take into account the gay trauma we may have experienced growing up feeling different.

Social Stigma Plays a Role in Gay Men Finding Partners (9:19)

In fact, a study published in the December 2021 issue of Personality and Individual Differences says that the social stigma attached to same-sex attraction, along with the limited availability of same-sex outlets, are likely to cause difficulties to homosexual people in attracting intimate partners.

The researchers note that the social stigma and social pressure for heterosexual marriage can result in gay men either entering heterosexual relationships or staying single to avoid social stigma.

Now, this is my own personal opinion. But even if gay men want to live openly and are trying to date, I'm sure many struggle with different emotional challenges such as internalized homophobia to some extent, which may make it harder to find long-term healthy relationships.

And we usually talk about those topics and how they may impact our dating lives and some tips to overcome those challenges.

Normalize Being Single and Happy (10:09)

But for this episode, I really want it to be less about why gay men may be single, and focus more on normalizing being single and being able to be single and happy.

Especially because in February 2023, a Forbes article reported that 57% of singles were not currently looking for a relationship or casual dates, and an additional 7% were only casually looking for dates. So that's a lot of people that are content with being single.

In fact, in a 2021 Medium article, Nicole Skyler suggests that we should normalize being single in our 30s as a healthy relationship status. She asserts that too much time is spent defending why people are single in their 30s because of deeply rooted conditioning that contributes to negative dialogues concerning being single in your later years.

And here's a passage from the article I really liked:

"Falling in love, getting married, and raising children can be a wonderful and fulfilling goal and journey through life. But not doing those things can be just as fulfilling. Falling in love with places around the world, numerous people, your dream job, or your damn self is a rich way to express and receive love and joy."

She also goes on to say that being single in our 30s isn't celebrated enough. She uses the example that marriage is treated like an accomplishment and status of success. But no one celebrates the love and commitments we have with ourselves when you're single.

And I personally feel like it's true. Like I do a lot. I write books, I podcast, I do house projects, I like to explore Philadelphia. But when I catch up with some of my friends, they don't ask me about those things right away. Their first question might be, so are you seeing anyone?

And I'm sure they mean well, but I've got so much more going for me right now than dating. Plus, I've seen some of my friends' relationships, and I wouldn't want what they have, because they don't seem the happiest. Like they're always complaining about their significant other.

So, I view being single in my 30s as avoiding an early divorce.

Celebrate Your Single Self (12:03)

But anyway, with that Medium article in mind, let's start celebrating our single selves. And it's important to embrace our single selves because, as a September 2023 Medium article titled Reasons Why You Need to Embrace Singlehood notes, we don't know if or when we'll meet someone.

Here's a quote:

"The brutal, honest truth is that you don't know how long you're going to be single. This is not usually something we can control unless we settle for just anyone we can find, which is never a good idea. Fighting something you can't control or crying over it won't help your situation in any way. In fact, it will only make it worse and hold you back from doing something with yourself and your life. So why not embrace it."

And that may sound depressing, but I think it's a much-needed reality check for us because we don't want to wait around for someone so that we can start living a quote-unquote fulfilling life. And I'm someone guilty of this in general.

Like I think, oh, once I achieve this goal, or once this thing happens, I'll be happy. But then I become so focused on hitting that milestone that I miss out on things along the way.

And we shouldn't wait for a significant other to come along to start building our lives. Let's build our own lives for ourselves and then try to find someone who complements our life instead of completes it.

Embrace Singledom (13:16)

So, with that in mind, here's some tips from ReachOut on how we can embrace singledom:

Take yourself on a date.

And I personally love doing things myself like going to the movies or walking around the neighborhood. You know, in Paris, I went out to eat by myself and it just gave me time to reflect and be in the moment. And it's taken me a while, but I do really love my alone time and having that quiet myself and just doing what I want to do in that moment.

And if you take yourself out on a date, you don't need to compromise or decide with someone on what you're doing. You get to choose what you want to do, what you want to watch, and what you want to eat. And it's so liberating because I had an ex who had a terrible taste in movies. And now I don't have to put up with his movie suggestions.

Anyway, next one, commit to yourself.

You may not be able to depend on other people all the time, so make sure you can depend on yourself and be kind to yourself.

Next, pick up some hobbies.

Similar to taking yourself on a date, you can fill up your free time with things you love or to discover new interests.

For me, you know, I loved writing novels since college, but life got busy and it kind of fell off my radar when I was in grad school. And I did finish a book right before grad school but never really did anything with it.

So post-grad school, I threw myself into dating, and I dated this one guy. I think I talked about that situation in the codependency episode. But it started off good, but then he noticeably pulled back.

And during that time when I was feeling insecure, I decided to try to get that book published and I reached out to a few indie publishers. And shocker, that guy broke up with me. But, like, a month after that, that book was accepted to be published.

And then two months later, after feeling sad and sorry for myself, I decided to start writing again. And that turned into Eleftheria. And I've been consistently writing ever since, even when I was dating.

So, find your hobbies and make time for them. When you're single and when you're dating.

And lastly, strengthen your friendships.

I think when we start dating someone, we might have a tendency to throw ourselves into that situation. And we might not make as much time for our friends. And then if that fling doesn't work out, we might feel like we're alone since we might have allowed some space to form in our friendships.

So really allow your single self to strengthen those friendships. You know, being single, I've really tried to put the same energy I put into my dating life into my friendships. I try texting my friends more often, and checking in on their lives and hanging out more and finding fun things for us to do. Almost like having friendship dates.

And now as my friends and I have gotten older, some of them have had kids, which I love because I want kids of my own someday. So, while our hangouts might look a little different, now, they're fulfilling in a new way, because I get to see them and their kids.

Which is nice, because we get to catch up, but it's also nice for them because they have another set of hands to help with their kids so they can relax for a bit. And it's nice too because since it's something that I want for myself in the future, I feel very happy to see my friends having that now in their lives.

And if you do start dating someone, don't slack on those friendships. Keep up the friendship dynamics you have when you're single, because men come and go, but friends are forever.

And it's like Charlotte said on Sex in the City. You know, she's at the diner with Carrie, Samantha, and Miranda, and I think she says something along the lines of what if we're each other soulmates, and guys are just people to have fun with.

Episode Closing (16:23)

And wrapping this up, I don't want this episode to sound like a man-bashing episode where it's like men suck, stay single forever, dating is for the weak. Because it's not that at all.

I love dating. I love the idea of falling in love. But I want to be realistic. I don't know when that may happen. And for gay men, sometimes it is harder to find a healthy relationship. So, it's okay to want those things and work toward them, but it's important to still be happy and enjoying our lives, whether we're single or not.

Because for myself, my parents were 22 and 24, when they got married. Like they were children. So of course, being that young, you really do build a life together from the start. But for me being 30, almost 31, and single, I've had to build my own life.

You know, I went through job changes on my own. I bought my houses on my own. I moved across the state on my own. And when I was younger, I was depressed by that, because I thought that I was behind in life and that those were things you did with your significant other. And in some cases, you do.

But as I've gotten older, I've become more content doing these things on my own because I'm building the life I want for myself and hoping that someday someone comes along and complements the life I have.

And I mean full transparency, there are still days when I sometimes feel lonely or like, yeah, I wish I wasn't single. But overall, I am happier than I've been in a long time. And on the flip side, there have been times I dated guys who are distant and I felt lonelier in those dating scenarios than I feel actually being single.

And I've learned to have fun on my own, whether it's going stag to a wedding, traveling to Paris, or even just being alone in my house reading.

And if you need another example of how to be a badass when you're single, I highly recommend you watch the Sex and the City episode A Woman's Right to Shoes. Just sayin', we shell out all that cash for weddings, babies, this and that. Our friends can certainly pull some money together for a nice pair of Manolo Blahniks for us.

And connecting it back to the tarot, Page of Swords. Again, this card is full of energy. It's excited about the future. It's reminding us that there's new perspectives and new opportunities ahead for us. And so that requires us to be open-minded.

We can't just stay grounded in one place hoping somebody will come along to bring those opportunities to us. We have to put ourselves out there. We have to move forward in what we want to build the life we want for ourselves.

And maybe somebody will come along to complement that. And also, there's been this traditional view of singleness as a bad thing, and that you're lonely and sad or broken if you're single. But let's adopt a new way of thinking.

Maybe being single can be empowering. It's giving us a chance to explore things we may not be able to explore if we were coupled with someone. And so, it's giving us the space to learn and grow on our own so that we're moving in the right direction towards somebody who actually will complement us long term. You know, just because it's not now doesn't mean never.

And I like to think that there's a reason for me why things haven't worked out with my past exes. That, you know, maybe those didn't work out because if I was still in those relationships, it would just have held me back and kept me from achieving my full potential, or meeting that somebody who really makes me truly happy compared to some people in the past who, you know, were fun for the attention a little bit, but at the end of the day didn't have my best interests at heart.

So, whether you're someone who's content in your singleness now, or you're looking to maybe put yourself back out on the dating scene, just adopt a new framework of you can have as much fun as you want on your own. All the things that couples do, you can do on your own as a single person.

So, what if you go to the bar or a restaurant by yourself? So, what if you go to the movies by yourself? Like, just enjoy the things that make you happy.

And also keep in mind that if you're putting yourself out there dating, you know, finding someone isn't necessarily going to complete you. They're not going to fix everything in your life that you're not happy with now.

We need to put in the work for ourselves to be the healthiest version of ourselves so that way we can attract healthy people in.

So, who's with me stay single and be unwilling to mingle. Just kidding. I mean, unless you want to, that's fine too.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (20:04)

But in all seriousness, thank you for listening. Hope you enjoyed this episode. Hopefully, it was empowering. And I'd love to hear your thoughts too on singleness. So, send me an email, rob@ajadedgay.com.

Also, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. I appreciate it. You can also visit the website for episode resources, guests, merchandise, links to social, all that fun stuff, ajadedgay.com.

If you're feeling generous, you can support the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That gets you instant access to episodes a day early, ad-free, and exclusive monthly bonus content.

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Also, since this is an episode about singleness, if you're scared of commitment and unwilling to mingle, you can still do a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee. Both of those are @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (21:31)

I don't know. I guess I'm like half a jaded gay and half non-jaded gay *pop filter shield falls* fuck.