11. Overcoming Internalized Homophobia

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Is it me? Am I the homophobe?

Episode Introduction (0:23)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and today, I am a jaded gay because I got into a little bit of a car accident the other day. A little fendy bendy, if you will.

Basically, I was driving home from the gym, it was leg day, I was feeling good about myself. Stopped at a red light. And all of a sudden, somebody hit me from behind, and not in the good way. And you know, it's seven in the morning, so I'm a little, you know, caught off guard by it.

So, I pull over as soon as the light turns green, assuming this other person's going to pull over, and they don't. They drive by, and then another car also passes by. So, I jump back into the lane and start following this person. So, it's them in the front, then this reddish-orange car between us, and then me. So, I'm following them, and they get stopped at a red light.

So, I pull up illegally next to them and roll down my window. Now, normally, I get it. Accidents happen, so, like, I wouldn't be, like, totally upset. I'd be like, alright, let's just make sure everything's okay. But the fact that they drove away really pissed me off. So, I pull up next to them and roll down my window. They roll down theirs. And I'm like, “Uh you just hit my car.” And it's this younger woman. She looks kind of flustered and a little scared. And she's like, “Oh, my God, wait, I didn't know, did I? I didn't think I did.”

I'm like, “Well, you need to pull over.” So, we pull over into this parking lot right next to the road. And she's parked to my right. So, I get out of my car. And as I'm crossing behind my car, I see that there's really no damage to my bumper, luckily. So, I'm starting to calm down a bit. And as I'm walking over, you know, I go to confront her. I'm like, “You know, what, what's the deal?”

And I didn't really notice, but another car is pulling behind me, too. So, she's like, “No, it wasn't me. I didn't hit your car. It was the red car, it was the red car.” Literally, before I can say another word, this other car that pulled in parks next to her. Another woman jumps out of the car and goes, "No, it wasn't her. It was me that hit your car."

So, I literally made somebody else pull over and accused them of hitting my car, only to find out that they weren't the ones who actually hit me. So, I felt like such an asshole. I felt so bad and embarrassed and like, oh, okay, sorry, have a nice day. And then she pulled off. The other woman who pulled in, we looked at our cars, both of us were fine.

It was the weirdest thing, I don't know. But I was definitely feeling like an idiot that day.

Internalized Homophobia (2:28) 

Anyway, thank you for tuning back in. This is the final episode of our Pride 2022 series. And to end this Pride series, we're going to be talking about internalized homophobia.

And I know that probably seems like a weird topic to end Pride 2022 with because Pride's supposed to be a big celebration where we're coming together. And internalized homophobia is something that a lot of us struggle with and probably will struggle with in some capacity for the majority of our lives. So, it really kind of seems like a buzzkill, considering it's Pride.

But I think it's really important to talk about internalized homophobia since it has deep roots in shame. And if you think about it, Pride is supposed to be the opposite of shame. So, while June is giving us the opportunity to celebrate us and our community, for most of us, shame is this ever-lingering year-round phenomenon that's not going to go away.

So, I wanted to cover this topic in the hopes that we can address some of the shame that plagues us on a day-to-day basis so that we can better accept ourselves and continue to celebrate ourselves year-round, not just in June. But before we dive into the shame, let's pull our tarot.

Tarot (3:29) 

Oh, okay, this is exciting. We pulled a Major Arcana card today. We drew The Emperor. And I don't know if we...no that's not true, we pulled Death before. But still, Major Arcana, I feel like I haven't pulled too many of those.

So, just to recap for everybody. Within the tarot, there's two components of the deck. There's the Minor Arcana, which is the four suits. They represent more things we should focus on day-to-day, whereas the Major Arcana captures the Fool's Journey.

So, we start with The Fool, who has a value of zero, and it ends with The World. And basically, the Fool's Journey kind of starts from, like, the point of conception to going through life, learning all these lessons. And when you get to The World, it's the final card in the Major Arcana because, if you think about it, it's kind of representative of an end of a cycle.

Death in a way. Because when you die, you've achieved everything there is to achieve. You've learned everything there is to learn. There's no mystery unknown to you anymore. Again, not literally tied to death, but tied to the end of the cycle of this Fool's Journey.

And each card within the Major Arcana takes along new values and new learnings. So, each of those are applied to the following card. So, you're building up this knowledge, starting with The Fool and getting to The World.

And looking at The Emperor, he's giving us some masc daddy vibes. He's sitting on a throne. He looks kind of serious. He has a long beard, you know, the background's orange with some yellows in there. He's wearing a red robe. You can see that he has some armor on beneath the robe, and there's two rams on each armrest of his throne.

And The Emperor is the fourth card in the Major Arcana. So again, going back to our numerology, the number four is tied to structure and stability. When you kind of think about the life journey of The Fool's journey in the Major Arcana, The Emperor is kind of tied to a father figure card. Again, giving off masculine energy, so it's very action-oriented.

And if you think about it, again, going back to when tarot was kind of conceived, back then traditionally, the father figure was more of the disciplinarian, the authoritarian, giving kind of the structure and laying down the rules within the familial unit. So that's what we're seeing within The Emperor card here.

And like I said, you see the rams on the armrests of his throne, which is tied to Aries. And in astrology, Aries is tied to individuality and personal power. The biggest takeaway with this card is that it's representative of inspired action and personal power.

And when it comes to The Emperor, he's reminding us that we need to really take action from a place of power rather than reacting from a place of fear. And it's reminding us to have a healthy relationship with our masculine energy. And again, masculine isn't tied to being, you know, masc for masc, bro. The masculine energy within tarot is representative of taking action. So, it's important to be in touch with that side of yourself, that doesn't have fear, that isn't afraid to take action, and is always looking for the next step to kind of achieve what we're looking for.

And it's also a reminder that we have permission to take up space, which I think a lot of us within the gay community feel that we don't have the right to do so. But this is reminding us that, you know, we're here, we're valid, take up your space, channel your personal power, and take inspired action. And to do that, we need to connect to the inner authority within us.

You know, acknowledge our ambition, our drive, and the goals that we want to achieve and utilize the power within, in a way that serves a greater good, not just ourselves. And if you think about history, emperors were, you know, the authority, they were powerful leaders. So, this card is kind of giving us permission to embrace that sense of being our own emperor, being our own leader.

You know, somebody who is seeking out respect and authority, which I think is really important, as we talk about internalized homophobia. You know, there's a lot of times where we may feel shame or not feel good enough, but this card to remind us to kind of push that away, and realize that we are our own authority figure. We can set the rules and the disciplines for ourselves that feel natural to us to be the person we want to be.

And as a leader, we have a clear vision of what we want to create and what we want to achieve. But it's more than just the vision. We are going to be taking the action to achieve those things. And obviously, you know, when we're on a journey, and we're taking action to achieve something we want, conflict may arise. So, we need to remember not to be afraid of that. And like the card said, don't react from fear. It's important to create calm from the chaos.

Obviously, talking about internalized homophobia brings up feelings of shame, which isn't great. So, as we're talking about this, remember to channel your own inner emperor. You know, we have our own personal power within that can take us to achieve what we want, not what other people tell us we should want but what feels natural for us.

What is Internalized Homophobia? (7:41)

So, let's get into it. I'm sure most of you have heard the term internalized homophobia. And I feel like it gets thrown around a lot without totally understanding what it means.

So, I did a little research online. And I was surprised because there weren't as many recent studies as I thought there would be. I did find some studies, some journals, and I did pull some information from that research, but it is kind of dated.

So, this is the best I could find from right now, you know, this is from the 90s. A lot of things have changed since then. But I still wanted to make sure that we did have some actual clear research to be pulling from when we talked about this.

So, let's start with the definition.

In 1998, Elon Meyer and Laura Dean published a research article in Stigma and Sexual Orientation titled Internalized Homophobia, Intimacy and Sexual Behavior Among Gay and Bisexual Men. In it, they defined that internalized homophobia was the gay person's direction of negative social attitudes toward the self.

So, they go on to explain that most gay people are raised by heterosexual parents and socialized in a straight world that frequently promotes anti-gay beliefs. And there was a really powerful quote that I pulled from this:

"Unlike members of stigmatized ethnic minority groups, most homosexual-oriented persons are not exposed to self-protecting supportive attitudes in their families. Thus, until they come out, most homosexually oriented people lack access to an alternative reference group, the gay community, and to mentors and role models to help in the development of healthy socio-sexual identity."

And we're going to circle back to this research article throughout this episode. But if you think about it, after growing up hearing negative stereotypes and witnessing negative treatment of LGBTQ people, we begin to believe it.

And like I've talked about in past episodes, you know, growing up, I didn't really see any gay role models around me. There was Will & Grace on TV, but that was it. So, I'm growing up with straight parents who were teaching straight values and in a straight society. So, there wasn't really much discussion about being gay.

I didn't really have that safe space where I could kind of talk about these things or have an affirmative support group to show an alternative side of society. And again, I'm not alone. So, a lot of us are in that situation where we're not really finding the safe spaces until we're much older, beyond the point of development.

So, when we're growing up in these mostly straight societies, we're also subject to the negative ideologies about LGBTQ+ people. We hear the stereotypes. We hear the slurs. We hear it all. And so, since we don't have any affirmative groups or role models within the LGBTQ community at that time, we hear this negative talk.

And then we start turning it inwards towards ourselves, where we start believing that. And as we talk about this, I'm sure you can see some overlap tied to The Velvet Rage. And that focuses more on the feeling of shame, while internalized homophobia kind of touches upon the untrue beliefs and the negative stereotypes that then we, as gay men, begin to believe are true because we've been exposed to it for so long.

Turning Anti-Gay Biases Inward (10:32)

So, someone suffering from internalized homophobia may consciously or unconsciously accept biases and then apply these biases to themselves. So, think of some of those negative stereotypes we might have heard growing up and now kind of believe, even though rationally, we know they're not true.

For me personally, growing up, I always heard the joke at school, oh, all gay men have AIDS. And one, really didn't get much of a sex ed in health class. So, for a long time, I didn't know the difference between HIV and AIDS. But two, I didn't understand why all gay men had AIDS, which, again, obviously is totally untrue.

But that's what I was hearing in high school. So, I didn't understand why that was the case. And then when I started realizing I was gay, I was afraid, oh, am I going to have AIDS? Because I thought it was kind of just a genetic thing that, you know, gay people are different. Genetically, they must be different where they're more likely to get AIDS.

I didn't put two and two together to realize that AIDS comes about after you've been infected with HIV. And that HIV exposure comes through sexual transmission. So here I am, figuring out that I'm gay and googling gay health. And seeing that, you know, gay men tend to die of AIDS or the average age is younger because of heart problems because of this or that.

So, I'm worried that all these things were going to apply to me because I was gay, even though I had never had any, I hadn't even kissed a guy. I had no sexual contact at that time. And then a couple months later, when I started dating somebody who I really liked, again, only kissed, but I was so paranoid about getting AIDS.

So, I actually went to a clinic to get tested. And I mean, they were laughing at me because they saw that I was a virgin, I had no sexual contact, and you know, didn't have any recent sexual encounters. But I remember telling her I'm like, well, I'm just afraid that I might be a carrier for AIDS. And it took a long time to really accept that, you know, kissing a guy is not going to give you AIDS.

First of all, again, like I said, you don't get AIDS. AIDS is brought about after you've been infected with HIV. But it was something I worried about for a long time. And even in more intimate relationships, even though we hadn't done anything that could have resulted in an HIV exposure, I was still really afraid of that.

And as such, obviously, it puts pressure on a relationship because how are you able to be intimate and vulnerable and open to somebody if there's this always present fear of getting AIDS even when you're not doing anything that can result in an STD exposure?

And that's just an example of internalized homophobia. It's negative self-talk that I heard when I was in high school and turned inward to believe, and still kind of struggle sometimes to uncouple this idea.

Internalized Homophobia’s Presence in the Coming Out Stage (12:55)

And it's not surprising because, from the research article, they say that internalized homophobia tends to be heavily present during the coming out stage.

And this can result in denial of sexual orientation, attempts to change or alter your sexual orientation, contempt for others who are out in the LGBTQ community, attempting to pass for straight—how many of us have done that? —, feeling uncomfortable around members of the LGBTQ community for fear of association, and increased fear and withdrawal from friends and relatives for fear of being identified as gay.

And additionally, on top of that, it comes with anxiety, depression, shame, all that fun shit. And these feelings of internalized homophobia can delay or prevent us from ever coming out. Now, coming out, sometimes we're able to embrace who we truly are, and we're able to overcome some of these feelings.

However, for some gay men, they will never overcome this. And they'll always be haunted by feelings of internalized homophobia. And as a result, this will keep them from living openly and being their authentic selves.

Openly Gay and Struggling with Internalized Homophobia (13:51)

So, for the purpose of this episode, we're going to be focusing more on what internalized homophobia can look like for those who are openly gay.

In 1996, Michael W. Ross and B.R. Simon Rosser, they published an article in the Journal of Clinical Psychology titled Measurement and Correlates of Internalized Homophobia: A Factor Analytic Study.

And I'm going to read a quick quote from this:

"The psychological characteristics associated with internalized homophobia had been described as lower self-acceptance, lower ability to self-disclose to heterosexual and other homosexual persons, low self-esteem, self-hatred, self-doubt, belief in one's inferiority, acceptance of popular myths about homosexuality, beliefs that others will be rejecting on the basis of one's sexuality, and self-imposed limits on one's aspirations."

So, quite a list we got there.

They also cited a 1988 article published in the Journal of Homosexuality titled Homosexuality and Neurosis: Considerations for Psychotherapy by Robert P. Cabaj. Specifically, they cited:

"Capaj has listed the specific beliefs that characterize internalized homophobia as being that older gay men are lonely and sad. That given the choice, gays would elect to be heterosexual, that gays can't have lives as fulfilling as those of their heterosexual counterparts, and that there are social phobias about interacting in gay environments."

The Four Dimensions of Internalized Homophobia (15:07)

So, back to the study, they found that internalized homophobia was something that was measurable and that there were four dimensions of it. And those four dimensions are:

• Public identification as gay
• Perception of stigma associated with being homosexual
• Social comfort with gay men
• And moral and religious acceptability of being gay.

So, we're going to circle back to that 1998 research article. They addressed that there was some correlations to higher levels of internalized homophobia and intimacy issues.

Now, keep in mind, this was the late 90s. So, at that time, there were a ton of stereotypes that gay men were hypersexual, had no interest in pursuing intimate monogamous relationships, didn't want families or kids, and die or kill themselves desperate and lonely.

Obviously, here we are in 2022, we're at a time where people are more vocal about their sexuality, in the sense of, you know, you don't have to wait till marriage. Believe me, I don't think anybody does. And people aren't as nosy about whether people want kids. And we're also seeing more visibility of open and poly relationships. You know, all good stuff.

No judgment, as long as everything is safe and consensual. But for those in the LGBTQ community who do want a more quote-unquote heteronormative lifestyle, you know, aka monogamy, family, etc., these types of stereotypes are harmful, and they're still pervasive today.

Internalized Homophobia’s Impacts on Relationships (16:20)

So that 1998 study asserted that gay men who internalize these stereotypes and beliefs may feel inferior to straight people and that they are unworthy or incapable of achieving the same goals as straight people.

Unsurprisingly, gay men with high levels of internalized homophobia were unable to counter social attitudes regarding homosexuality. And as a result, they had greater difficulty in developing same-sex intimate relationships.

Now expanding upon this, Elon Meyer, who co-published the 1998 study, co-published another article in 2009 with David M. Frost titled Internalized Homophobia and Relationship Quality Among Lesbians, Gay Men and Bisexuals. In looking at internalized homophobia and intimacy, that study found that higher levels of internalized homophobia are likely to decrease the quality of and satisfaction with one's relationships.

So, for starters, higher levels of internalized homophobia have been linked to greater sexual depression, sexual anxiety, sexual image concerns, and fear of sexuality, as well as lower levels of sexual esteem and sexual satisfaction.

Also, gay men with higher levels of internalized homophobia were less likely to be in intimate relationships. Specifically, gay men may avoid lasting and deep relationships with other gay and bi men. They might seek avenues for sexual expression devoid of intimacy and interpersonal closeness.

Within a relationship, it can actually cause conflicts and ambivalence. And it affects relationship functioning by reducing individuals' efforts to maintain relationships in the face of partner conflict.

And I mean, I'm sure that sounds familiar to a lot of us because if you think about it, there might be times where you, you want that knight in shining armor and you just feel kind of used and worn down from going on bad date after bad date, or you know, bad relationship after bad relationship. So, some of us might turn to more casual sex.

Again, if that's what you're looking for, no shame. But for those of us who are looking for a monogamous, long-term relationship, you know, turning to casual sex, it's really going to make you feel emptier because there's no emotion within it. It's so transactional.

And you know, sometimes people might be telling themselves, well, you know, can't really find healthy relationships, so, you know, at least this is the next best thing. And they might even try to convince themselves that they no longer want that kind of relationship, or they might feel unworthy of a monogamous long-term relationship. And that's a really dangerous belief if that's something that you do truly want out of life.

And beyond romantic relationships, internalized homophobia can also affect the quality of our relationships with friends and family. Because if you think about it, if you're closeted, you're hiding a huge part of yourself from your friends and family.

Or even if you're out, you might feel shame and feel like you can't talk about these things with your friends or family. That you can't talk about, you know, gay-related issues, whether it's politics, or you know, a bad relationship you've been in, or just feeling lonely, because we grew up in a straight society and you feel like an outsider.

Moving Toward Lower Levels of Internalized Homophobia (19:03)

Now, obviously, that can sound really dark and be bringing us down. But the good news is with internalized homophobia, there is kind of a silver lining with it.

In the study we were just referencing, gay affirmative therapists stated that internalized homophobia is an early stage of a developmental process and that as coming out unfolds, a gay person is expected to move toward a healthier adjustment and a lower level of internalized homophobia.

So, if you think about it, basically, you know, when you come out all those negative stereotypes, those feelings of shame, they're probably the most prevalent, and as we go on as gay men, you know, as we go through some different dating situations, as we age and mature, and see a different side of what the gay community is, we can kind of start overcoming some of that. Or at least put some of those negative beliefs to rest and kind of quiet those voices of internalized homophobia in our heads.

And as we move out of this developmental phase, the study recommends therapeutic intervention for internalized homophobia, which is directed at helping patients achieve greater self-acceptance and healthier adjustment to gay life.

Now, odds are, some of us harbor internalized homophobia to some extent. So, we need to really work on embracing our authentic selves, not only for our own well-being but for the entire LGBTQ community, as well.

So, I'm going to read a quick quote from a 2020 Psychology Today article by Daniel Lyons:

“Here’s what I want to get across about internalized homophobia. It touches all of us in one way or another whether or not we’re conscious of it. Dismantling deeply entrenched systemic homophobia is a complicated undertaking. One I can’t pretend to break down and eradicate through one post alone. But dismantling systemically starts with us being aware of ourselves by acknowledging homophobia exists in all of us to one extent or another, gay or straight, and across racial and socio-economic lines.”

Overcome Internalized Homophobia (20:47)

So, how do we overcome internalized homophobia?

Like I said in the interpersonal vulnerability episode, we are subject to bad dating behaviors, which can kind of affirm some of the negative beliefs and stereotypes we heard growing up. And, as it affirms that, we might believe that it's not possible for me to find a healthy long-term gay relationship.

We can start exhibiting bad behaviors, and then also put that negativity out there towards others we date. And it becomes a never-ending cycle of hurt and of, you know, negative affirmations.

So, it's really important that we work on ourselves to overcome and hopefully eradicate our internalized homophobia so that we're not only healthier and feeling better ourselves but bringing our best selves forward to any dating situations we may have within the gay community so that we're also not bolstering any additional feelings of internalized homophobia within others within the LGBTQ community.

So, all that being said, how do we overcome internalized homophobia?

Well, The Gay Therapy Center published a list of 30 ways to combat internalized homophobia, and I'm going to read off just a few of them:

Find friends in the community who you identify with and understand it may take a while.

And like I said, in the Finding Your Community episode, you know, you might not find that at a gay bar or through a gay dating app. You might have to really go out there and search for it, whether it's, you know, finding online groups or just seeing what kind of LGBTQ organizations are in your area.

And it may take a while but don't give up on that because there definitely are other people like you out there. And it's really important to find that sense of belonging to help overcome any feelings of loneliness or isolation.

Treat others in the community especially well.

Like I said, we need to support one another so that we're not putting out any more negativity into the LGBTQ community. We need to bring our best selves forward and empower one another because, one, it's just important to treat people nicely. And, two, we already have so much shame and trauma and internalized homophobia that we shouldn't be amplifying that within one another. We should be helping each other overcome this.

Notice when your perfectionistic tendencies are coming out, and be logical.

Try detaching from your thoughts to assess if you're being illogical and self-critical.

If you have judgmental or non-affirming family members, learn to love them from afar so you're not constantly exposing yourself to their criticism and negativity.

Date kind people.

I wish somebody had told me that back in 2014.

Work with an LGBTQ-affirming therapist or life coach.

Which, as I've said before, I cannot recommend therapy enough. Everyone should be in therapy.

And maybe this is even the most important one…

Be kind to yourself and practice acts of self-compassion.

You know, I feel like we work on ourselves to be kind to others, but when the idea of being kind to ourselves comes up, it feels like a silly concept. But we really need to because, obviously, we're harboring some negativity from growing up in a straight man's world.

And this can kind of surface in different ways, whether it's using substance abuse to numb pain or just kind of being down on ourselves and being overly critical of ourselves.

Be Kinder to Yourself (23:36)

So, we really need to be kinder to ourselves.

And while that might seem easy enough to do, it's also really hard to do because we've been in our minds for however many years. So how do we unwork some of the negativity we've developed within ourselves and start being kinder to ourselves?

So, I found a couple of ways. And I think that this is really important. So, even if you think this sounds stupid, after listening to this episode, at least try one of these concepts:

The first is look in the mirror and say I love you.

And, I know that sounds silly, but I used to say really frequently oh, I hate myself. Whether it was looking in the mirror and assessing my body or if I just didn't accomplish something I wanted to.

If I didn't get an A on a test or if I was unhappy with how I dressed or something like that. It would just be, I hate myself, I hate myself.

And really, hate is a strong word. And I think a lot of us have become desensitized to that word because we say it all the time. Like, oh, I hate this, I hate that. We kind of use it when we mean, like, oh, I don't really care for that, or I don't really care for this.

But when we say we hate ourselves, that actually really carries a strong implication. And maybe, you know, we're just being harder on ourselves, and we don't actually hate ourselves. Or maybe we do, but that is, that can be really damaging. So, look in the mirror and just say I love you.

This next one, I'm sure we've all heard of this before, but speak to yourself in a kind tone like you would speak to a friend.

You know, we're always there for our friends when they mess up or make a mistake or going through a hard time. And we never go, you fucking idiot, why did you do that? Unless you're my good friend Sara, which, she gets a pass because that's just how our relationship is.

But when it comes to us, we don't do that. We do call ourselves names, we do criticize ourselves for making mistakes. Oh, how can I be so stupid to have fallen for that line, or oh, I'm so ugly, I'm never going to find love. We can't beat ourselves up for mistakes. And we need to be kinder when we talk to ourselves.

Also, take a look at your current life and routine and see what you've been doing to care for yourself. Now, when I'm saying this, I'm not saying, you know, look at other people's lives and say, oh, so and so this is happening in their life, so I'm really lucky. No, I hate that shit.

Oops, I just said hate. I'm not supposed to. I can't stand that shit.

Because, yes, other people have it worse. And I think it's important to be mindful of, you know, the good things we have in life. But when you're feeling down and low, hearing that somebody else has it worse than you doesn't really help soothe you because it's not addressing what's making you feel bad.

So, instead of taking it that way and comparing yourselves to others who have it worse, frame it in the sense of looking at yourself and the things that you've done well for yourself. You know, for example, oh, you know, I was really depressed today and felt like shit, but I still got up, got out of bed, and went to work.

Or I've been going to the gym and eating healthy to take care of myself. Or I said no to something I didn't want to do so I could take time for myself to do something that I wanted to do in an effort to take care of myself mentally. You know, these are all really simple things, but I think we can take it for granted.

Even myself, when I go to the gym, sometimes. I'm not going there because I'm thinking, oh, yeah, I'm taking care of myself. I'm going there because I feel like I need to so I can look a certain way. And then when I come home and take off my shirt and look in the mirror, I think, oh, you know, you still don't have abs, you're not as toned as this person, your biceps still aren't really big, or oh, this other person at the gym is, you know, a lot more muscular than you.

But again, that's self-criticism. We should be commending ourselves for getting to the gym, for eating healthy, for working out, for being good to our bodies. Not in the sense of, I'm doing this so I can look a certain way, but because it is good for your body.

Same thing, I think a lot of us feel inclined to do things that we don't want to do. And, now obviously, there are certain obligations that you may not be able to get out of. But instead of just kind of arranging plans or saying yes to everything, assess what you actually want to do and what you might have the option to pass on.

Maybe your friends are getting together. And yeah, it'd be great to get together with your friends. but you really just need an hour to yourself on a Sunday because it's been a busy weekend, and you need to emotionally prepare for the week ahead. So maybe that's the time where you're saying no because you just need that time for yourself.

And most importantly, ask yourself what you need.

Sometimes I think we're in such negative moods and we're looking at what we need to get done, but not what we need for ourselves. So, you know, we might be thinking, oh, I need to do laundry, I need to cut the grass, I need to get this done for work, I need to go grocery shopping, I need to do ironing this, this this.

But we're not saying okay, what do I need for myself? Do I need to take a moment to breathe? Do I need to sit on the couch for half an hour with my phone in the other room and just watch TV for 30 minutes to really decompress? Do I need to go for a walk and be outside and feel the sun on me? What do we need?

So, we need to start asking ourselves that question in an effort to be kinder to ourselves.

And again, I know this might sound cheesy. A lot of times when I read articles about how to be more compassionate towards yourself, I tend to roll my eyes. But this is a really important practice. Because it's actually not that easy.

We tend to roll our eyes at this stuff because it feels uncomfortable, which is really weird because, you know, we are the main characters in our own lives. And we should be taking care of ourselves both physically and emotionally so that we're bringing our best selves forward and enjoying our life.

So, going through that list, you might have been scoffing at me for saying some of those things. But again, try to incorporate at least one of these into your life.

And again, look into seeing if therapy is something for you because it really can be beneficial. Especially talking to an LGBTQ-affirming therapist who can work with you on developing some acts of self-kindness in an effort to overcome feelings of shame and internalized homophobia.

Episode Closing (28:36)

And connecting it all back to the tarot, The Emperor is helping us channel our personal power so that we can take inspired action. And the Emperor is a very masculine card in the Major Arcana, so this is like pure action.

So really, even when we're feeling at our worst, we do have this personal power within us to be our own authority figure, to set the structure and stability we need in our lives, to achieve our own happiness.

So really work on channeling that personal power so that you can take the action you need to work towards the goals you want to, and, you know, hopefully work on overcoming internalized homophobia. Because again, this isn't just something good for us. It's good for the community as a whole.

So, closing out the episode, thank you all again for listening. Happy Pride. We're coming towards the end of Pride 2022 But remember, Pride should not just be a month-long thing. We should be loving and celebrating ourselves year-round.

And also, keep an eye on July 1 to see where the rainbows go and hold those corporations accountable. We don't just want them to be marketing towards us at Pride. We really want their support in donating their funds to LGBTQ charities and organizations, and not donating to anti-LGBTQ politicians, which they have a tendency to do.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (29:42)

As always, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. You can follow the podcast on Instagram and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. Or you can follow me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And before we end the episode, just wanted to give a quick butt plug. My friend Sarah McKnight published a book back in March called Life Support, which I definitely recommend.

Just to give you a quick synopsis. It's a young adult novel. There are these five high school teens who are all going through different struggles, whether it's, you know, eating disorders, self-harm, anxiety, you know, abusive households. And they all end up coming together and kind of forming this club where they're supporting one another and helping each other through their own personal struggles.

And most recently, she actually released the audiobook for it. And I was fortunate enough to read the chapters of Tyler in the book, which I was very excited about.

Definitely relate to Tyler a lot. He is very much romantic. But early on in the book, his boyfriend actually breaks up with him pretty suddenly. And it really kind of shakes his world, and he's upset about it and nervous that he might not find that kind of relationship again. So, he has to kind of learn to let that relationship go and be open to finding a new relationship.

So, I really enjoyed reading for him. I was glad I had the opportunity to do that. And the book was great, loved it. The audiobook is great as well.

Both of those are on Amazon, so I will include the links in the show notes. Please check it out. You can also follow Sarah on Twitter @mcknightwrites, and I hope you enjoy it.

Once again Happy Pride. Again, keep celebrating year-round, keep loving ourselves, practice self-compassion.

And remember every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (31:48)

The study recommends therapeutic intervention for internalized homophobia is...wait what?