123. My Coming Out Story

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Ten years later, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing.

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless and today, I am a jaded gay because the water company in Philadelphia decided to just dig up my street out of nowhere to put in new water pipes.

They literally showed up on a Friday, put up signs saying no parking from now until TBD. Literally said TBD on it. And then, over the course of the next week, they just dug up the pipes.

And without telling anybody on the street, they just randomly turned off the water throughout the week.

One day, the water was turned off in the middle of running my dishwasher, which, if you listen to past episodes, you already know, I have issues with that.

And then the one day I was in the shower, and, like, luckily, I was pretty much done, but as I was getting towards the end, I started noticing the water was, like, starting to slow down.

And I'm like, I better hurry up. And literally, I just finished washing my hair before the water went out completely. So, it was so annoying.

And now there's just an ugly slab of pavement in the middle of the street. They didn't pave the full street

So, I'm hoping they'll come back to finish paving the street because right now, it's just it's a mess.

But at least I'll have fresh water, I guess.

My Coming Out Story (1:29)

Anyway, from freshwater to fresh out of the closet. Today, I thought I would share with you my coming out story.

So, this Friday, October 11, marks National Coming Out Day. And actually, October 9 marks my 10-year anniversary of coming out.

I can't believe it's been ten years already. I was such a sad little twinky thing back then. Oh my gosh.

But anyway, last October, I started rolling out monthly bonus episodes on the Patreon. And the first one I did was talking about my coming out story.

And it got some good feedback, and some people thanked me for sharing something personal like that, saying it was important to have stories like that being told out there.

So, I thought I would share this previous bonus episode as a full-on regular episode.

So, it'll give you just a little sampling of what you can get on the Patreon. But also, to kind of share the story. So, we'll be getting into it in a minute.

But before we do, let's pull the tarot card.

Tarot (2:22)  

So, we drew the Eight of Pentacles. As you remember, Pentacles is tied to the element of earth. It's feminine energy, so it's meditative in nature.

And Pentacles is all about putting in the hard work and reaping the fruits of your labor. It literally signifies financial prosperity, but I like to think of it as emotional prosperity.

And in numerology, eight represents infinity, success, and power. And if you think about it, the number eight, it kind of looks like the infinity symbol.

So, when we see this, our energy is constantly flowing without end. And when we draw the Eight of Pentacles, it's reminding us that when we do what we love, love will come to us.

At its core, this card is about apprenticeship and mastery. So, if we work to improve our skills or our situation, eventually we will be successful.

We need to listen to our intuition and reflect to make sure that we're pursuing interests that are aligned with what we want out of life.

And even if we're unhappy in this moment, this card is encouraging us to pursue our passions because if we stick with it, eventually we will be successful.

And with that in mind, let's get into the episode.

Bonus Episode Introduction (3:26)

Like I said, I recorded this a year ago. I think it was actually one of the first things I recorded when I first moved into my house.

So, the audio may not be as up to snuff as it is now. But like I said, this was the bonus episode in October 2023 about my coming out story.

So, I hope you enjoy it.

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome to the first bonus episode of A Jaded Gay podcast.

I know it's been a long time coming because I think I launched the Patreon back in December? January? And this is the first bonus content.

So, I'm sorry I've been a little slow, but, you know, let me start off by saying thank you so much for subscribing to Patreon. I really appreciate it.

I hope you enjoyed your T-shirts if you got one of those. And the ad-free episodes a day early.

I really don't know, you know, how these formats are gonna go for the bonus episodes. It might just be me talking.

Normally, when I do a regular episode, I just, you know, kind of script it out in advance, do my talking points. But with this, I'm kind of just, you know, free ballin' it.

I'm just gonna talk and see what happens. It could be great, it could be terrible, but you know what? I think that's how life goes.

My Coming Out Story (5:55)

Anyway, so if you're listening to this, it's probably around the time of National Coming Out Day. So Happy National Coming Out Day. I hope you're breaking down closet doors everywhere.

And like I teased in this week's episode, this is my coming out story, which was a little bit of a disaster.

So obviously, we all know, you know, our sexual awakenings little, you know, signs we might have been gay when we were younger, feeling different. 

I'm kind of skipping past all that stuff, and I'm gonna go right into when I started making the conscious decision to come out to myself, and then everyone around me. Well, not everyone.

It was a little staggered there how we did it, but you know what I'm getting at. So, let's begin.

Coming Out to Myself (5:04)

The year's 20... Oh, I almost said the wrong year. The year is 2014. I had just turned 21. It was June 2014, it was my 21st birthday. And I was sitting around the table with all my friends.

We were gonna have some drinks. And my one friend, Sara, who has been on this podcast, actually, she did an episode back in February, the Surviving a Breakup episode. She was, you know, she's my bestie. 

She was with me right by my side at my 21st, and things were getting serious with her boyfriend. She had just graduated college. I was going into my senior year.

And my senior year was a little different because I had done a lot of credits, you know, my senior year of high school, and then some extracurricular stuff throughout college.

So, I was actually graduating a semester early. So that, you know, that fall of my quote-unquote senior year would just be one semester.

So, Sara had graduated college already, and she was moving to Philly with her boyfriend at the time. And things were getting serious with them. And there was, I forget what happened.

Oh, you know what it was. They were, I think she was going to meet her boyfriend's family in Florida, which was a big deal, because he was really close with these people, and she had never met them before.

So, you know now that she had graduated college, he had graduated college a couple years before her, they were moving in together. A lot of us were kind of suspecting that she might be getting engaged.

And she ended up not getting engaged then. It wouldn't be for another, I think, two years. And if you listened to the podcast episode, you know how that ended. But so, we all thought she was getting engaged.

So, my birthday was a Saturday. We're talking about that. Oh, great, blah, blah, whatever. Sunday morning, I'm driving to New Jersey because I was living in New Jersey at the time, you know, doing an internship.

So, I was living at my grandmother's house in New Jersey. So, the day after my 21st celebration in Pennsylvania, drove back to Jersey because obviously Monday was coming, and I had my internship.

And I remember driving to Jersey and just thinking to myself, like, I really want to date somebody. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved. I had never had really any relationship experience before that.

I did have a girlfriend for, like, I think a month in high school. We, like, kissed on the mouth, like, pecked each other, like, twice. And we saw, we, our only date, really was, like, we went to a movie.

I think it was The Last Song with Miley Cyrus. But so, yeah, I never really had, like, a real relationship. And now I'm seeing, you know, at that time, a lot of my friends had some more serious relationships.

We were kind of past the high school, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, immature, dynamic, and seeing people actually like finding serious partners and talking about settling down.

Which is crazy to think because that was almost ten years ago, and, like, a bunch of those people who had relationships at the time are no longer in them.

And for a good thing, because, you know, we've grown and matured even further over the years. But, regardless, I was starting to feel kind of lonely and wanted to experience that myself.

And I knew that I had definitely had some attractions to men, but I didn't think that it was that I was gay necessarily. I mean, I think I feared that because, for me, being gay could not be an option.

Because I'd grown up religious. I knew they said it was wrong, you know, whatever. So, when I'm at my grandmother's house, I decide, you know what, I'm in New Jersey.

I decided to myself, I forget how I got to this conclusion, but I think a lot of gay men have gone through this at some point, saying that, you know what, maybe I'm bisexual.

Maybe that's what this attraction is to men. And obviously, bisexuality is a real thing, but I think a lot of us tend to go to bisexuality, at least for myself. I wanted to say I was bisexual because, in my mind, that meant that I was still half quote-unquote normal.

Like, half of me still could like women. And so, I figured, you know, I'm in New Jersey, I'm away from all my friends back home. I'm away from my college in Pittsburgh.

No one knows me here except my cousins, who I know they're straight. They're not going to be on dating apps. I'm like, let me download a dating app, and, you know, I'll use the summer to date some guys, maybe kiss a little bit here and there.

And then after the summer, I'll go back to Pittsburgh, finish out, you know, my senior year, and I'll just date girls from then on out.

This will be my little fun experimentation summer, and then I'm done. Back, you know, back on the straight and narrow. 

Guess Who’s on Grindr? (9:06)

So, I downloaded Grindr because it was the only gay dating app I had heard of. I thought it was a gay eHarmony.

You can imagine my surprise slash horror when I'm seeing shirtless pictures everywhere. People are talking about sex. I had heard positions like top and bottom, which I had no idea what they meant at the time. I was very sheltered from gay culture.

But what did I do? Like any self-respecting gay boy, I posted a headless torso picture on Grindr. And I got some attention for it, and that was something different for myself, too.

And I don't know if I talked about this in the body image episode, but I had always been very self-conscious of my body. I'd always felt very ugly and stuff, and that, like, spring leading up to that summer, I kind of changed a little bit.

You know, I had started working out more at the gym, so I definitely noticed my body was getting a little bit more toned. I wasn't just, like, anorexic, skinny anymore, like I used to be.

I had gotten LASIK about nine months prior, so I no longer had bad glasses. You know, I was starting to grow a little facial hair, you know, I got a nicer haircut.

That's when I started doing, like, the fade on the side so I didn't have just like this, like moppy mess on my head. And I got some attention on Grindr for it. Like, people were telling me how attractive I looked and stuff.

And even when I eventually sent a face picture, which was the scariest thing, because, like, anytime I sent a face picture, I thought it'd be like, Pretty Little Liars, where all of a sudden A has my picture, and she's telling everyone that I'm on Grindr.

But people did compliment me and tell me, oh, my God, you're, you know, hotter, this or that. And that was very unusual for me, because I had never heard those things my life before.

And while it was nice, I kind of viewed it more as validation, which isn't a good thing. That, like, oh, I need to keep myself looking this way if I want to get the attention of others.

Like, forget a personality because you're messaging people on an app. That's what they're going to see. They're not getting your personality. So, went on a few dates there in Jersey. And not, like, real dates. 

Like, met a guy to walk around the park who actually knew my cousin. He was, like, a year younger than me, so I was 21, he was 20. And he kissed me. And it was, like, super intense in a good way.

Like it felt like nothing compared, I mean, it was like just a, you know, gentle kiss. It wasn't like, you know, sloppy make out or anything, but it was just such an intense feeling.

Like my heart started racing, my stomach dropped, like I felt attraction, feelings, and all these things. Things I never felt with any of the girls I'd kissed in the past. But it was also scary because I realized how much I liked that.

So, then he and I stopped talking. I, you know, hung out with a couple guys like, and when I say hung out, I mean, like, we actually went out.

Like, walked around like towns, because there's places in New Jersey that are very walkable. There's, like, local shops, things like that. Didn't do anything physical like that. Just got to know people.

But I was, like, kind of disappointed because I felt like I didn't really get that full, like, fling experience that I wanted.

And so, when I went back to Pittsburgh, I didn't, you know, at the end of the summer, when I went back to Pittsburgh and started the fall semester, I didn't delete Grindr. I kept myself on there.

And I was also nervous because I knew gay people at my college. There were actually a couple guys in my fraternity who were gay, so I was really afraid that one of them might find me.

So, I tried to go ahead and, like, block them and stuff proactively, but I, you know, I wasn't ready to come out, though. I didn't know what I was. I was still kind of holding on to that bisexuality thing.

But I knew that if I were to ever come out to my family or anyone, I would want to be in a financially secure place. Because I knew that I was in my final semester of college. I wanted to graduate.

I wanted to make sure I had a job and could afford my life, you know, wherever I was living, because my fear was, if I came out to my parents, that they would not take it well, and they'd cut me off financially, and then I wouldn't be able to graduate college, and my future would be over.

That was the biggest fear I had at the time. Aside from, you know, the fear of going to hell because it's a sin because that's what I had been brainwashed to believe through religion. 

And so literally, like the first, I think it was Labor Day weekend, I met a guy. On Grindr, of course. And it was such an intense thing.

Like, I picked him up at his dorm room because, again, we were both in college and he stepped into my car, and he looked a little different than his profile picture.

Like, just a little bit more, like, a little older, not old by any means. I think the picture he had used was like from two years prior, maybe like when he was like, you know, a kid entering college, because now he was, like, 20 years old and looked it.

And he just had, like, this cool guy, like demeanor about him. He had like, you know, the backward snap back, the, you know, white sneakers, high black socks, pierced ears, all these things.

And kind of reminded me of, like, the high school jocks that were, like, very douchey that I was intimidated by in school. And so, I was very intimidated by him, but, like, also very attracted to him.

So, hung out with him, went out to dinner, went back to my apartment, and yes, we did sloppy make out. And then I never heard from him after that.

We, you know, I waited a couple days and texted him, and we texted on and off and made plans, but then he, like, canceled on me last minute. And I said, you know, let me know when you want to hang out again.

And he said, Yep, will do. And never did. I mean, it kind of sucked. I remember being a little sad, but I was just like, let me just keep on going through Grindr. Well, then a month later, came back into my life.

He's like, hey, wanna hang out again? I was like, oh, sure. So, we hung out a couple times, and things felt really, you know, were really good. I think it was like two weekends in a row.

And my graduation was coming up at the end of that year. So, it's now like early October, and in my mind, keep in mind, I had never really dated before, I'm thinking, oh wow, we've hung out three times, and I really like him.

I want him to be my boyfriend. I mean, not right now, but maybe by December. Blah, blah, blah. But I thought to myself, like, if he is going to be my boyfriend, I'd rather come out to my parents now before I have a boyfriend because it would be a little bit less of a shock to the system.

Like, I think it would be easier to come out and then, a couple months later, have them meet somebody I was dating, versus coming out being like, oh yeah, I'm in a relationship too. At least that's what I thought. I don't know.

The Letter (14:52)

And so, I, so I decided to write a letter because I'm a writer. And, I also had a few other things to tell them. I kind of just wanted all the secrets off the table.

Around that time, I also wanted to get a tattoo. I have a stencil-styled bull in between my shoulder blades. Not because I'm a Taurus, I'm a Gemini.

But I got it because I think I've talked about this in of the body image episode. I struggled with anorexia for like six years, from like 14 to 20.

So, the summer going into my junior year of college is when I kind of, I don't want to say got over it because it never really goes away.

But when I started viewing food as fuel and trying to eat the right amount of calories, get the right amount of, like, protein and fat content, and was lifting weights because I wanted to build, like, a muscular body.

And so, you know, that whole year, summer 2013 to summer 2014, I just started feeling really good about my body from working out.

And so that fall, you know, of 2014 around all the, this time, all this, you know, coming out stuff was going on, I decided I wanted another tattoo, which is what that bull tattoo is.

But the thing I got, also with it was, you know, a bull has a tuft of hair on its tail. The tuft I have for my tattoo is actually the symbol for the National Eating Disorder Association.

So, I kind of tied it in because, to me, I was viewing, you know, a bull as a symbol of strength, and then I was getting the the NEDA, N-E-D-A symbol, as a tuft.

So, kind of tying that all together there. But I'm somebody, when I was younger, that I need to tell my parents everything because I was afraid of getting in trouble with them. I'm like, Oh my God.

Like, I told them before, before I got my first tattoo, I wanted to get one. So, I wanted to tell them that I was going to get another tattoo. And I think that's what kind of really brought all this on.

Because I wanted to get everything off my, off my chest. So, I'm like, I will tell them about my tattoo, about wanting to get this tattoo. I'll tell them about, you know, coming out.

And the other thing I wanted to tell them about is I also, at the time, had my left nipple pierced. They're now both pierced because, you know, I like everything being symmetrical. But yeah, I had my left nipple pierced, and they didn't see me.

I got it pierced, like, February 2014 and, obviously, I was working all summer, so they didn't see me shirtless. So, I kind of just wanted all the secrets off my chest. So, I decided to write them a letter.

And I thought it was a good little letter. I actually tried finding it in my email see if I hadn't saved but I must have deleted it years ago because that letter brings me so much shame.

And just I if I read it, I can feel myself get like embarrassed all over again because it was very vulnerable. Um, but I, you know, started off by saying, like, you know, I'm the happiest I've ever been, blah, blah, blah, this and that.

And so, I started telling them some things. I said, you know, I have struggled, you know, I want to let you know I'm getting a, you know, tattoo, and I'm getting it because of this. Because I struggled with anorexia.

And I never formally had that conversation with my parents, but I know towards the end of my big struggle with it, they were starting to get concerned about my body weight and telling me that, like, I needed to gain weight and I was too skinny, and that they weren't, you know, happy if I wasn't eating enough, and things like that.

So, I told them about that, and I told them about the nipple piercing. And then I told them I was gay. And I can't remember. I mean, it was like long, like I wrote it by hand.

Actually, I wrote it by hand the one night when I was waiting to hang out with that guy. He was going to come over my apartment. So, I wrote it by hand, and then I typed it up.

But it was literally, like, the episode of Friends. It was, like, 18 pages front and back. It was pretty long. I think when I typed it up, it was only three, but it was just, I don't know.

And I guess the tone got a little bit more serious towards the end. But, like, I think like, I remember, like, apologizing in it, because I felt like I let them down.

And like, saying, you know, like, I don't think it's a sin, but like, I'm nervous about it. Blah, blah, blah. And like, my biggest fear was like, oh, people are gonna treat me differently.

So, I was like, you know, I don't want you to treat me differently. You can still, like, make gay jokes, blah blah, this and that.

Which, as I've gotten older, like, let's ease up on those actually, you know? It's, you don't get a free pass for that. Let's all be a little kinder.

But my biggest fear was just I was throwing off their life, not that this was something that I was being open to them about. About my own life.

Coming Out to My Friends (18:57)

So, I was sitting on the letter for a while. And then I started, before I sent it to my parents, you know, I was excited about this guy because we had hung out two more times. Oh, my goodness.

And so, I started telling some my friends. And the first friend I told was my big for my fraternity. He's also gay. And I told him because, like, obviously, since he's gay, I knew he'd accept me.

But I had a little bit of a situation where there was this other guy I had gone out with once before I met the guy that I was really, you know, crushing on in Pittsburgh.

And he ended up being, like, legit crazy, like, kind of, like, stalking. I shouldn't say stalking me, but he was having some emotional issues of his own. But, like, calling me, crying about things going on with his family, like, it was a lot.

So, I needed to talk to my fraternity brother about this, and, like, obviously, that was going to lead to the conversation about me being gay and this and that. And he was, like, super nice and supportive, of course.

And I remember, like, my biggest fear, too, was like, I'm just afraid, like, you know, if I have kids someday, 'cause I really want kids, like, I'm afraid that people in school are gonna, like, bully them for having two dads.

He's like, no, it's not gonna be that. Back in 2014, when this was all happening, you know, Obama was still president, so I'm thinking, okay, well, like, we're going towards a better future.

Now these past, you know, however many years it's been, it's it's been a lot, and I don't have a lot of faith in people and society as a whole. But that's a conversation for another day. But yeah, so then, so then I had come out to him.

I came out to my friend Sara, who it was a really awkward coming out thing because, for me, saying the words "I'm gay" were really scary at the time.

Like, the first time I said it out loud to myself, I was still in New Jersey, driving home one night. And I was like, I couldn't say the words out loud. I could think it in my head, but I couldn't say it.

And when I actually said out loud, like, I actually broke out laughing, like, oh my god, I can't believe I just said that.

So, all these months later, still telling other people, like, gay had always been a shameful word for me because, you know, I knew growing up in my community, you know, in a small town, I knew, like, when people would talk about somebody who's gay, they'd be like, Oh yeah, he's gay.

Because, like, it was a bad thing to talk about. Gay equaled bad. That's what I had heard growing up. So, it felt very weird to say, "I'm gay." And it took a long time.

I mean, even until the past few years, it still felt kind of awkward to say the words, "I'm gay." But so yeah, it was, it was a really uncomfortable coming out with Sara because I was like, hey.

I, you know, I FaceTimed her. She was at home at her parents'. I was like, hey, are your parents there? She's like, no. I'm like, so I need to tell you something. Um, I'm gay.

And I thought the phone froze for a second. And she just looks at me as we're FaceTiming. And she's, like, she starts laughing. She's like, I can't tell if you're serious or not. And then I started laughing.

And I'm like, No, Sarah, I'm serious. She's like, I don't believe you. You're laughing. And we went, like, back and forth for, like, five minutes and going like, no, I'm being serious. No, you're not really being serious. You're laughing.

And then, finally, I got stone-cold serious. and I'm like, No, Sarah, I'm gay. She's like, okay, okay. So that was that. Told one of my good friends from back home, who was my friend, Rachel.

And when I told her, she's like, let's be real, I knew. Like she would be the one to know. We, like, hung out every day in high school, dancing to Lady Gaga. Shocker there.

And then I told one of my friends, Richard. I think he was the first guy friend I told. And that was really nerve-wracking to me because, for girls, I felt like they'd be more accepting because it's like, oh, cool. I have a gay best friend.

But with my straight friends, I didn't want them to think, like, oh god, does he have a crush on me? Does he want to be with me? Blah, blah, blah, this and that. So, I was really nervous to, like, tell my friend Richard.

But his reaction, like, I don't know. I think he didn't know what to say, but like, I'm like, Yeah, I'm gay. He's like, dude, that's awesome. I'm like, is it, though? I don't want to burn in hell. But so, he was very supportive.

And then my friend Ryan, who actually was the one who surprised me the most. His was super like, wasn't just like, that's awesome. Like, very affirming, very kind. Like, he, you know, I told him I don't remember.

He said, like, thank you for telling me. But he was like, you know, I kind of always knew. Because Ryan's two years younger than me. We grew up together, me, him, and Rachel.

We were, like, the three of us, hanging out every day after school, all through elementary school, high school. And he was like, you know, I kind of thought you were.

He's like, there have been points in my life where, you know, I thought you were. Certain things, because, like, you know, you dress nice, and you quote Mean Girls a lot, and this and that.

There's also things that you did that I thought, okay, maybe he's not, and he's like, but like, you are who you are. Like, it doesn't. You're no different to me, like telling me this. And that was really nice, honestly. 

And I didn't expect that from him, but it was like a really nice message to get. But then that left the parents to tell.

Actually, before I told my parents, I told one of my other fraternity brothers who is straight. Who, I was really close with in college, still close to him.

Actually, funny enough, I was on a Zoom call with him and his wife back in, I think it was July, just catching up.

And he actually brought up the letter because I, you know, we were hanging out, just he and I, the one night.

And I forget how it came up, but, like, he asked, like, if I was seeing someone because I said something, like alluding to it. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, Oh, what's her name? And I'm like, uh, his name is bleep. 

I'm not gonna say his name in case, you know, gets out here. He doesn't need to know. He knows who he is. Um, wrote a whole book about it, but anyway. Um, just kidding, kind of. Not really, um.

But so, I'm like, yeah, his name is, and he just kind of looked at me, and he's like, dude, are you gay? And I'm like, yeah. And he just, like, gave me a big hug, and he was, like, really nice about it.

But then, I don't know if it was that day or, like, a day or two after I told him, like, I was gonna tell my parents and I wrote a letter. And he came over and read it.

He's like, dude, like, you can't, he's like, call your parents, like, don't send this to them. Like, because he had met my parents before, and he knew they were great and stuff, but I don't think he knew the level of, like, religious upbringing I had had.

And not that, like my family was, like, you know, Bible-thumping, like, you know, burning Harry Potter books, whatever. Nothing like that. But, like, we were very involved in the church.

And while I didn't outwardly hear, like, negative things about gay people, I just knew it was not something that was accepted at the time, and especially not within the religion.

So, he read the letter, he's like, dude, like, this is gonna be like, your parents are gonna think it's like, super, like, it's dark and depressing, blah blah blah. Like, have a conversation.

I'm like, no, I'll send a letter to them.

Coming Out to My Parents (24:55)

So, let's, let's just check in on the date. It is Thursday, October 9, 2014. Where were you? And I think it was like two o'clock because I didn't have. I only had morning classes that day.

And I actually didn't have classes that Friday, which was nice. But he was at my apartment, like, I'm gonna send the letter. So, I attach it in an email and send it to my parents' email address.

And then I texted both my parents, and I said, hey, I just sent you something. I just emailed you something. Can you, like, look it over when you get a chance?

Which was not uncommon because I would, like, from time to time, like, email them, like, you know, essays or things I was working on in school, just to make sure, like, everything sounded okay, as like, you know, to double check that, like, all my grammar and stuff was good.

So, not out of the realm of things. So then, after that, I'm immediately terrified, and I just put my phone on airplane mode.

And like, I'm so scared, you know, because in the back of my mind, I'm like, I don't think my parents are gonna hate me. But like, oh my god, worst case scenario, like they never want to see me again.

So, I kind of go about my day. Every once in a while, I turn it off airplane mode and, like, no responses. And I'm like, all right, well, they're at work, whatever. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well, now it's like five o'clock, and my mom, I think, got out of work a little bit earlier, like three or four at the time with her job. I don't remember, but, like, now it's, like, five o'clock, no answer.

Like, okay, well maybe you know they're making dinner blah blah. Now it's seven o'clock, no answer. And now it's eight o'clock. And guess who has a date? Me. I really planned this well. I had a date with that guy.

And we, it's October, so we're going to a haunted house. And, you know, I drive us to the place, and then we had to be shuttled.

You parked into the parking lot, and then they shuttle you over to where the actual haunted house was. So, we're on the bus, checking my phone, still nothing, you know, whatever.

So, I'm like, well, I guess my parents hate me, but hey, at least I have this guy here who I've known all of three dates, thinking, you know, this was going to be a relationship.

Because, like, again, like, I was, like, very much in a middle school, first crush dating mindset with this. Because I'd never had this kind of, you know, experience or connection with somebody before.

So, because this haunted house, it was, like, intense. Like, we had to sign a waiver, we had to take off our jewelry, you could only go into at a time, and you had to hand over your phone.

So, I hand them my phone, and I go in the haunted house, you know, with this guy. We go through blah blah. We're in there probably, like, an hour, hour and a half.

We come out, and as the woman is handing me my phone, I see Mom. You know, like a phone call from Mom, and it goes to voicemail soon as I take it. And she's like, oh yeah, it's been ringing all night.

And the guy I'm with is like, oh, is everything okay? I'm like, oh yeah, I'm sure it is. And, meanwhile, in my head, I'm like, oh shit.

So, just to kind of you know, before we get to the actual conversations part, a little bit of background. My parents, at the time, my dad did not have an iPhone.

And my mom with her iPhone, however, her texting worked because this happened with other group texts she was in. If she was in a group text with someone who did not have an iPhone, she would not get the message for some reason.

Because, like, her and her girlfriends in our hometown, like, had a group chat, and one of them had, like, an Android or something. And whenever they sent a group text, like, because of the Android user, she would not get the text.

So, when I sent that group text to my parents, my mom never got the text. And then casually that night, she was checking email, she's like, oh, you know, Rob sent us an email.

And my dad's like, oh yeah, he sent a text earlier. Duh. Well, like, thanks. So now here I am, like, nine o'clock at night on a Thursday with a date. And I see my phone has, like, so many missed calls, voicemails, text messages.

Not only from my parents but from my sister, saying, like, what's going on? Even though, years later, I found out, like, fully she knew what was going on because she read the email, even though I told her not to. I even had an email from my dad.

And so, it was just like, Oh my God. Like I wanted it to be such, like a low-key coming out where it's like, Hey, I'm gay. Let's never talk about it again. And now it's the complete opposite.

And then, before I could even react to, like, call my mom or anything, I get a call from my apartment complex. They're like, hey, Rob? I'm like, yeah. They're like, oh, your mom called us because she's a little nervous.

Just want to make sure we get in touch with you. We knocked on your door, but there was no answer. I'm like, yeah, 'cause I'm not home right now. I'm like, yeah, I'm calling my mom back. Bye.

So now I'm on the bus with this guy, and we're holding hands. So, I'm holding his hand with my right hand, trying to text with my left hand. I'm right-handed, and I don't text left-handed well, so I'm, like, trying to text.

And he's like, everything, okay? And I'm like, oh yeah. As I'm like, you know, holding my phone to the side so he won't see. My mom's like, I just want to talk to him. Like, I can't talk right now. Give me a little bit blah, blah.

Get back to my apartment, and I, you know, that guy comes up with me. I'm like, hey, I just need to let my dog out. I'll be right back. So, I call my mom as I'm taking my dog out.

She is sobbing on the phone. Great. And she's like, Oh my God. I just wanted to hear your voice. Did you always know? And it was like, Mom, like, at five years old, I was rolling up my T-shirts into a crop top, dancing to Baby One More Time. Like, didn't you always know? Why didn't you tell me?

But no, it was, like, super, like, awkward and like, I don't like when my parents are, like, emotional and stuff like that because I'm, I don't know. So, like, I'm uncomfortable because now my mom's crying.

I'm trying to calm her down while also trying to calm myself down because I'm freaking out. And, you know, my dog finished peeing.

But then I'm still, like, my mom wants to have, like, a ten-minute conversation, and I'm also with a guy that I don't want her to know about. So, I'm like, I really can't talk right now. I'm like, basically, long story.

She thought that letter was a suicide note. And I, like, swear I ended the letter, like, saying, like, oh, I'm the happiest I've ever been, blah, blah, this and that.

But, like, I think in the note, I apologized for being gay. Like, I'm really sorry about this or something like that.

And so, she interpreted it as like a suicide note, and then she tried to call me and couldn't get in touch with me, obviously, because I was in the haunted house. And then called the apartment to get in touch with me, and they couldn't get in touch with me because I wasn't there.

So, they freaked out. Um, so there was that. And I'm like, Mom, can we talk tomorrow? And she's like, yeah.

So, then the, you know, that guy goes home. I go to bed. I wake up the next morning, and I just feel so scared. Like, I just feel like, oh shit. What did I do? Like, I was not ready to come out.

I came out because I'm seeing this person. Quote unquote seeing. And like, you know, then my mom wanted to have a conversation, and she was trying to be like, all, like, you know, funny and like, light about it and stuff.

But, you know, the phrase was said, like, love the sinner, hate the sin. Which, like, wasn't, you know, super helpful. And, like, all I really just wanted to hear in that moment was, like, okay, you're not a bad person.

You're not an abomination. You're not going to hell for, you know, for this. And I remember, like, saying, but like, is it a sin? And she's like, you know, I, I can't answer that. Like, I don't know. It's, it's up to God. 

And, like, that's not what I needed to hear at that time. Um, I mean, she's come a long way since then, but just at that time, not great. But then I just remember feeling so alone.

Life After Coming Out (31:29)

And then, at that time, that job from New Jersey offered me an interview. And, you know, it was more of a formality, and I got it. So now here I am, end of October.

Had just come out to my parents. Had a job offer in New Jersey, which two months earlier I would have been thrilled about, because for the past two summers, I had interned there.

Loved it and, like, wanted it to become a full-time job, and now it did. But now I'm like, oh, I've hung out three times with this guy who I really like, and I'm starting to like Pittsburgh.

Like, I don't know if I want to leave. So, it's very much a conundrum. And then I had told him, like, oh, I got this job. And then he's like, oh, I like you too much. I can't see you now. Blah, blah, blah.

And like, well, there's still, like, two months till I leave and, you know, I could, you know, drive to Pittsburgh from New Jersey to see. Blah blah blah, this and that. And he just kind of ghosted me.

And then in, like, November, he's like, what if I said, I take it all back? What if I said that, like, you know, we could, you know, make it work, or whatever? Blah, blah blah. I'm like, okay, so he hung out.

And then he ghosted me again after that. Actually, sorry, I'm using the wrong word. Not ghosted, but like, went quiet on me after that. And then he reached out again in, like, December.

And I don't know if he was trying to, like, hang out or whatever. He's like, are you ready for the move? Are you ready for finals? Blah, blah, blah, this and that. And I was just like, yep.

And kept it all short and, like, didn't give him a lot to go off of there. And then, you know, I graduated. Like I had an empty apartment, graduated. The next morning, I packed up my shit with my family and drove six hours to New Jersey and moved into an apartment and was completely alone there.

Like, I, you know, I didn't know anybody. I left behind my friends. I left behind this person I was really attracted to very intensely early on.

And again, like, I didn't know what dating was, so I'm like, oh my god, heartbroken. And it took a really long time to get over honestly. And tying it back to the coming out thing, though, like I felt so alone.

I'm like, Oh my God. Like I wasn't ready to come out. I came out to my family because of this thing, and now I don't have this thing anymore. I don't feel like I can be myself around my family.

Like whenever I saw them, like, I went through a phase of, like wearing, like backward snapbacks, and like making sure I lowered my voice and didn't move my hands too much when I talked because I didn't want to come across as quote-unquote stereotypical gay, because I felt extremely vulnerable. and, like, we just kind of didn't talk about it.

And it took about, probably, like, a year until I felt a little bit more comfortable around my family. And even beyond that, though, it's been an ongoing process of, like, being more open.

Like I didn't, when I moved back to Pittsburgh, like, nine months after that, I did have a boyfriend for a little bit, and, like, my parents knew about it. But, like, I didn't really like talking about it with them.

So, for me, coming out was a very awkward, big, drama-filled process, which I did not want. And it's been a gradual thing with my family since then. Like, I never really was out at work too much.

As I've gotten older, yeah, because I've been working for more companies that have, like, LGBTQ+ employee resource groups. Like, obviously, by being a part of that, people can, you know, draw some conclusions there. But it's been, it's a never-ending process.

And with family is where I found it to be the hardest. Because, you know, I feel like my friends, like, you know, they love you no matter what. Like they chose to be in your life, but with family like you're joined by blood.

They didn't necessarily get that choice. So, I always was afraid that, you know, family might feel obligated to stay in contact with me, even though they might think that me being gay is disgusting or this or that. 

And that's something I still work through. Like, I mean, it's definitely eased over the years, and it should because, I mean, God, it's, we're going on nine years here.

But, um, something I'm still working through, and especially in therapy too, with my new therapist. Like, really, kind of addressing some root, you know, anxiety and trauma and guilt and shame from, you know, when I was younger and all that.

Bonus Episode Closing (35:08)

So, moral of the story, my coming out was a disaster. Like I said on the podcast episode, if you're coming out, I'd recommend doing it for you. Like, I wouldn't. Every situation is different.

I would not recommend waiting to date somebody to come out because I think it puts more pressure on them.

It's more of a shock to whoever you're coming out to because it's like, oh, this person I thought I knew is gay, and they're also in a relationship with somebody. I'd recommend coming out when you're single because I think that's when you're in a place where it's like, this is on me.

This is something, I'm making this decision for myself. I want this for me. Nobody else is a factor other than what I want people to know about me. So that is my two cents.

Thank you for listening to this little bonus episode. Hope you like it. Thanks again for being a Patreon member. I am going to try to continue doing monthly Patreon content on top of the episodes.

So, like hopefully, at least one bonus clip every month. We'll see. Testing it out.

This is the first time, but we'll do our best. Anyway, thank you so much for listening, and hope you have a good one.

Mmm-bye.

Episode Closing (36:10)

Wow. Wasn't that a fun little trip down memory lane? It's always so weird listening back to those things. Yep, out of the closet. That's my story.

And connecting it back to the tarot. Eight of Pentacles, for me, this is pretty spot on. Like the card is telling us, if we do what we love, then love will come to us.

Specifically, I think it means if we're our authentic selves, if we're allowing us to really embrace our sexuality and our identity, even though it may be uncomfortable having our own coming out journey, even though we may face rejection from some, it's ultimately putting us on a path of acceptance for the right people that should be surrounding us.

And if we're looking for a romantic relationship, hopefully, it's setting us up for that in the future.

And even beyond coming out, if we're putting in the work to better ourselves, whether it's to learn new skills at work, or to further our education, or to just improve ourselves to be the healthiest version of ourself, eventually we will find success.

You know, we'll get the job we want. We'll move forward in our education to the next level. We'll find that right person. They'll come around at the right time to complement us where we're at.

So even though we might be unhappy in this moment, we need to trust the process and keep putting in the work to make ourselves the best versions we can be.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (37:18)

And as always, thank you for listening.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

For more information on this episode, along with resources, blog posts, links to merchandise and socials, all that fun stuff, you can visit the website ajadedgay.com.

You can connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, if you're feeling generous, you can support the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That gets you instant access to episodes, ad-free, a day early, plus exclusive monthly bonus content, just like the episode you heard today.

You get stuff like that every month. How fun. If you sign up at the $3 or $5 tier, you get some additional goodies in there.

Or, if you just want to access the bonus episodes, you can now do so. You can actually just purchase access to those monthly bonus episodes, and they're $3 each.

But if you're scared of commitment, don't worry. I get it. You can do a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee for any dollar amount, and both of those are @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (38:54)

It's reminding us that when we do what we love, love will come to us.

Isn't that rich? I love men, and where's my love? No love for Rob. Rob Loveless.