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Growing up in a heteronormative society, we may have learned to believe that our gay identity was a weakness. As a result, we’ve developed the need to be perfect to manage the feeling of being an outsider.
In this episode, we’re discussing what perfectionism in gay men looks like and how we can learn to accept our imperfections.
Additional Resources:
Snarky Opener (0:00)
And I'm just gonna say it. I personally felt attacked by the movie Black Swan, because just like Nina Sayers, I just want to be perfect.
Episode Introduction (0:28)
Hello my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a jaded gay because I don't know, the past couple weeks, actually, I've just been pushing myself and really feeling exhausted, you know, both physically, emotionally.
There's just been a lot going on, and I really haven't taken the time for myself to decompress and just try to relax even.
Between the podcast and writing and working and trying to have a social life and exercising and trying to make my house nice, all these things, it just really adds up.
And I'm the type of person that's go, go, go. I don't like to stop. I get kind of bored if I actually take time to relax. And I actually kind of get stressed out if I take downtime to relax because I feel like I'm wasting time, that I should be doing something productive.
And sometimes that's a good thing because sometimes it kind of motivates me to get myself moving. But I feel like in the long term, it really isn't that great of a thing, because, like I said, I'm constantly tired.
And I even took this past week off from the gym. So, I just took the whole week off from working out, because I just needed that time. I noticed that when I was at the gym, I was going through all the motions, but I just wasn't there mentally.
I wasn't really focusing. I wasn't really feeling it, and I didn't want to be there the entire time.
So, it was nice to take that time off, but I need to be more mindful of when I'm starting to get to that point, instead of pushing myself until I feel like I can't do anything anymore and I just need to, like, sink on the couch and sleep for five weeks.
And it's a weird concept with pushing myself because I feel like there's two different paths I could take in life. You know, I want to be successful in my career, and right now I'm single, so I'm just working, and I feel like I want to be at the top of my game.
I want to take on new opportunities to increase my experience. I want to move up the ladder. I want to take on new projects and challenge myself because I kind of equate that to being successful.
But then, on the flip side, I also want to get married and have kids. And I feel like if that was my current path right now, I'd be okay with having a less successful career.
You know, if I just had a mediocre job, if I was just average at that job if I wasn't earning a lot of money, I think that'd be okay, because the main investment in my life would be my family, and that would be much more of a priority.
And this is kind of a dangerous mindset to have, because obviously, if you're not happy when you're single, then you're not going to be happy when you're in a relationship.
Because at the end of the day, you know, a relationship doesn't fix your issues. It just kind of puts a band-aid over what's bothering you.
Perfectionism (2:40)
And you know, I think this ties back to The Velvet Rage, which we've talked about time and time again.
But you know, Dr Alan Downs, he talked about being successful and glamorous as a form of validation to deal with shame.
So, with all this going on and with the week I've had, pushing myself being physically exhausted, I thought now would be a good time to talk about perfectionism and its prevalence in gay men.
So, to kick off the topic, we're gonna pull our tarot.
Tarot (3:03)
So, the card for this episode is the King of Cups in reverse. And as we talked about Cups, is tied to the water element. It carries more feminine energy. So, it's meditative and reflective.
It's asking us to pause and look around and think through our situation. But interestingly enough, since this is a King card, which traditionally represents masculine energy, there is a bit of inspired action tied to this card as well.
And again, the suit of Cups is tied to emotions. You can think of our emotions flowing freely like water. So, whenever we pull a card in the Suit of Cups, we're gonna get deep with emotions.
And the overarching meaning of the King of Cups in reverse is unreliability or a lack of boundaries.
So, it can be pointing that we have shaky boundaries in our life, or that emotionally, we might be having trouble managing our emotions at the moment.
And it could be tied to the fact that we might be doubting ourselves to lead us on our path forward. And as a result, we might be questioning who we can rely on.
We might have trouble accepting that we can rely on ourselves. And so, this is kind of twofold, because one, we might be doubting our own intentions and we feel like we might not be able to rely on ourselves.
Or it might even mean that we are struggling to allow ourselves to rely upon others in our lives. We're not sure who we can rely upon.
And this goes back to the episode on vulnerability, where we need to be able to open up and trust others.
Because obviously, with everything going on in our day-to-day life, especially tied to perfectionism, we can't solely rely on ourselves to get everything done.
Sometimes we need a helping hand to take the weight off our shoulders.
And interestingly enough, this can also point to the fact that we might be repressing our emotions, so we're just bottling everything up, the stress, the bad feelings, the negativity, because we're pushing ourselves too hard to keep going forward.
And also, we might be afraid to confront those feelings because it is scary to kind of unleash that all.
So, I think this card is reminding us one to reflect, look around us, see who we can trust and who we can rely upon in our lives, and turn to them when we feel like we're reaching that breaking point because we've been pushing ourselves too far.
Additionally, I think it's also asking us to be reflective and look inside ourselves so that we can keep ourselves from reaching that breaking point.
You know, it's great to recognize that you need the time to de-stress and decompress and relax, but sometimes we realize that too late; only after we're physically not feeling well or emotionally feeling like a mess.
We need to be more mindful of that leading up to reaching that breaking point.
So, we need to be more mindful so we can give ourselves that opportunity to rest and relax before we hit that really negative breaking point.
So obviously, this card's asking us to reflect upon our current situation and seeing how we can assess that. But also, again, the King is tied to masculine energy.
So, it's asking us to not only reflect upon that but to take the action.
What is Perfectionism? (5:26)
So, perfectionism. First of all, this is a broad personality trait that can manifest in different areas, such as our career success, body image, and other personal accomplishments.
And believe me, we will definitely dive into body image in the gay community in a later episode. There's a lot to unpack there. So, I definitely want to dedicate a full episode to that.
Today we're just going to be kind of scratching the surface as we tie it into perfectionism. And today we are going to keep it broader and kind of take a high-level look across the board at what perfectionism is.
So, starting off with the definition, Merriam-Webster is pretty blunt and defines it as a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.
Now, Psychology Today explains that perfectionism is primarily driven by internal pressures. And interestingly enough, perfectionism can be healthy or unhealthy.
Psychology Today says when healthy, it can be self-motivating and drive you to overcome adversity and achieve success.
When unhealthy, it can be a fast and enduring track to unhappiness.
But when we take that quote and think about perfectionism as being an internal pressure placed upon us, you can understand how it can spiral toward an unhealthy trait or even obsession.
Especially because this internal pressure within us, it's usually rooted in fear or harsh judgment associated with failing or not meeting expectations.
Gay Men & Perfectionism (6:38)
And I'm sure you can see the tie into The Velvet Rage. Growing up gay, we know we're different, but we're trapped in a heteronormative society.
Like we covered in the internalized homophobia episode that one study stated that, unlike other members of other marginalized communities, who tend to share their minority status with others in their immediate community, gay men don't.
So, for the most part, we're raised in straight families that may have little to no LGBTQ+ plus representation.
And because of this, we tend to lack gay role models and an affirming, supportive community until we're older, which is usually after our developmental stage.
And as such, the development of our healthy sociosexual identity is stunted until we're older, while our straight counterparts are able to explore the side of them through adolescence without negativity.
So, no surprise, this leaves us with shame and trauma. Or trowma if you're Jamie Lee Curtis. And we're feeling shameful for our secret identity, and we're afraid that if we come out, we'll be rejected or judged.
And this is where perfectionism can seep in. We might view our gay identity as a weakness, so we try to succeed in other parts of our lives, to quote, unquote, make up for our shortcomings.
And I think a lot of us probably went through similar phases during our own coming-out journeys. And this perfectionistic mindset, it doesn't just go away because we've accepted our sexual identity.
In fact, a lot of gay men, myself included, grapple with this on a daily basis, and can struggle with it for their entire lives.
Types of Perfectionism (7:57)
So going back to Psychology Today, they explain that there are three different types of perfectionism:
The first is self-oriented perfectionism.
And that's imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself. So, this is when you're placing that internal pressure on yourself.
Then there's other-oriented perfectionism.
Which is when someone imposes unrealistic standards of perfection on others. So, this is when you're going to be projecting.
You can think of an overbearing parent or maybe even a significant other who, they're trying to push their unrealistic standards of perfection on someone else to mold to what they consider perfect to be.
And then the third one is socially prescribed perfectionism.
And this involves perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others. So, this is the recipient.
If you're somebody who's having unrealistic expectations placed upon them by a third party, then this is what you're experiencing: socially prescribed perfectionism.
And while these all occur separately, I think you can easily kind of see a cycle there.
Especially if you've been in a relationship where you know somebody might have been manipulative or gaslighting and has placed unfair expectations upon you.
So, if you're putting it in that framework, think of this, you know you have a significant other who has their own emotional baggage, and they're placing unrealistic standards upon you and placing their perfectionism upon you.
So, there's that other-oriented perfectionism there, and then you start placing that upon yourself.
So, you can see how somebody can place that mindset of perfectionism upon you, and you start internalizing that yourself, which develops into self-oriented perfectionism.
So, you can kind of see the cycle of how it can occur.
Examples of Perfectionism (9:20)
And here's some common examples of what perfectionism can look like:
And here's a few lesser-known signs of perfectionism:
And that's basically my Tinder profile. So, gentlemen, you've been warned. You know what you're getting yourself into. And hit me up.
But in all seriousness, I knew I had perfectionistic tendencies and can be hard on myself, but when I was researching this topic, it really kind of hit me how many of those in that list are spot on for me.
I mean, you know, when I was looking to start this podcast, obviously this isn't something you do overnight. It takes months. You're doing research, you're investing in equipment, you're getting graphics made, all that stuff.
But I didn't want to share any of this with anyone besides a few very close friends, because I felt like it just being an idea in my mind wasn't enough to talk about.
I felt like if I said, oh yeah, I'm looking to start a podcast, people would think, okay, yeah, you're talking about it, but are you actually going to do it?
And that's just something I've kind of imposed upon myself. And so, I didn't want to share anything about this podcast until I had the name until I started recording until I had the theme music until I had an idea of what I was going to do before I launched.
But still, I needed it to be in a place where there was actually action behind it wasn't just an idea. I was starting to have something tangible, some results from what I was putting into this.
And I am very much a list-oriented person. So, you know, Fridays or Saturdays are usually my big cleaning day around the house. I do all my yard work, and my housework, and I like to cross things off my list.
And if I don't get everything done, I have trouble relaxing afterwards. Like I hate sitting on the couch to put on a movie, knowing that, oh, I still haven't folded my laundry or, oh, I still need a vacuum the carpets.
Even though it's little things that might take 10 minutes, it gets under my skin, and I, like physically cannot relax until that's done. Even if I'm exhausted and don't want to do it, I still force myself to get that done.
So, then I can try to relax until I'm laying on the couch and thinking of the next thing that I have to get done.
And you know, when you talk about hate wasting meaning, you know they don't want to abandon something for fear of wasting the time they invested into that, that explains why I had all those bad relationships.
I was afraid to let it go because I didn't want to say I wasted time. Just kidding. But that is applicable in some parts.
I mean, for example, I'm reading a book right now that I've been working on since October, and it is not good. I don't like it. I can't get into it.
I just, I'm struggling with it, but I refuse to just give up on it, because I'm like, well, you're already halfway through the book. You might as well keep reading it.
So, I'm forcing myself to read this book I don't like because I don't want to say I quit on it.
So again, going through all this, kind of a wake-up call for me, and it made me realize that I definitely need to do some work on myself. I mean, I've known this for a while, but this really kind of solidified it.
Pros and Cons of Perfectionism (12:21)
Now heads up this next part, it's not me trying to rationalize perfectionism, but Psychology Today says that perfectionism can actually be good for you to an extent.
And I'm going to read this quote. They said:
"There's a difference between striving for excellence and demanding perfection. Adaptive or positive perfectionists set lofty goals, have high standards, and work relentlessly hard for their success.
They are achievement-oriented, whereas maladaptive perfectionists are failure-oriented. Adaptive perfectionists desire growth, enjoy being challenged, and problem-solve well. Their perfectionistic tendencies are a strength, not a weakness."
So obviously, perfectionism can be perceived two ways, and it kind of depends on how you impose that upon yourself.
Is it someone where you enjoy the challenges you're learning as you go and you don't mind the stress along here?
Or are you someone that setting yourself up for failure by having these unrealistic expectations, and when you don't finish or accomplish what you want to, you're beating yourself up for it?
So again, fine line there. But I think it's, you know, I think if you struggle with perfectionism, it's it's easy to rationalize that it can be good, but really you need to look at some of the not-so-great characteristics of it.
And when people set themselves up for failure by having unrealistic expectations or goals, it can lead to:
And since perfectionism often stems from the fear of failure and adverse childhood experiences, it's frequently accompanied by:
OCD vs. Perfectionism (13:47)
And now I just mentioned obsessive-compulsive disorder, OCD, and that and perfectionism are sometimes used interchangeably, but they aren't the same thing.
Psychology Today says the terms perfectionist and OCD are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same.
Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by high expectations and standards, while obsessive-compulsive disorder, OCD, is a psychiatric condition where a person experiences intrusive thoughts and/or repetitive behaviors they are unable to control.
Perfectionistic tendencies may or may not be a symptom of OCD. So again, kind of a tie in there, but they're not the same thing. So, you know, we need to get that straight.
Perfectionism and Gay Shame (14:25)
And now that we've looked at perfectionism in the broad sense, I'm sure you can see tie-ins to gay shame.
I mean, after all, we've all accumulated this unconscious shame from growing up in a world that viewed being gay as a negative thing and emasculated and rejected gay men.
And myTherapyNYC illustrates five ways tied to perfectionism that gay men try to compensate from this shame:
So, number one, they try to attain the perfect body.
And actually, this can be tied to the concept of masculinity. Think about it. Growing up, we were told that gay men were supposed to be strong, tough, and macho, and if you were gay, you were a sissy or effeminate.
So, in trying to achieve the perfect body, gay men might feel like they reclaiming a sense of masculinity they were told that they lacked by being gay.
Or they might think if they achieve a certain body, they'll overcome shame, or that they'll be less likely to be rejected by other gay men for having that perfect body.
So, it's more so kind of a safety net that if somebody rejects them, it's like, well, I look great, so it's not that reason.
Number two, placing too much value on money and status.
Now, Dr Alan Downs already touched upon this in The Velvet Rage. If you think about it, money and status traditionally have been tied to success.
So, by having or flaunting these things, gay men can create a smokescreen, hiding their shame behind their success.
And this can be dangerous too, because even if gay men don't have money and status, they might put themselves in major debt trying to create an illusion of this.
Number three, seeking validation through sex.
So as kids, we were exposed to messages that being attracted to other men was wrong.
So, when men come out as gay and have the opportunity to explore that attraction, they can take it too far and seek out anonymous sex.
And this is because it creates a sense of validation that someone wants them or finds them attractive, even if it's only for a few minutes.
Now keep in mind, this is not the same as if somebody's looking for, you know, just a casual hookup. Like I say, as long as you're safe and everything's consensual, do you.
But for some gay men, again, not all gay men, but for some gay men who are participating in anonymous sex, it's not an enjoyable thing. It's more so because they're desperate, seeking validation.
And the problem with that is that validation is short-lived, because, you know, after a few minutes you're alone, you're by yourself again, you have those negative emotions, you're feeling like shit again.
And so, this can become dangerous because since that validation is short-lived, gay men will seek out their next random encounter to achieve that sense of validation again. And it creates this dangerous cycle.
Number four, excluding people who are different.
You know, I think we're all familiar with those caddy gays who sit in the corner gay bars with their clique and judge anyone who walks in.
Or you see them on dating apps, and they have that line, no fats, no femmes, no insert race here.
And usually these men, they're excluding others who they consider are not fitting the traditional masculine standard.
So, they're basically curating who they associate with to align with the stereotypical image of muscular, white, straight-presenting gay men that were frequently portrayed in the media.
And they can actually feel threatened by associating with people who don't fit that model because they're afraid how associating with somebody who doesn't fit that model will affect their appearance.
I mean, perfect example. Think of Dion in Clueless when Cher wants to welcome Tai and she says, “She is toe up. Our stock would plummet.”
And number five, coping with drugs and alcohol.
Substance abuse obviously can numb the pain and help us temporarily forget the shame we have, but that's exactly it. It's temporary.
It doesn't address the root cause, and so when the effects of those substances wear off, we're still going to feel like shit, and maybe even worse.
And then obviously there are negative health implications with substance abuse.
Examples of Perfectionism in Gay Men (17:41)
So, in 2018, the concept of gay perfectionism was addressed by Adam Blum, a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of The Gay Therapy Center and The Advocate's Ask Adam column, and he gave a few real-life examples of what perfectionism can look like in gay men.
These were some clients he had treated. Obviously, their names were changed, but this is just a few examples, and I'm sure you could probably see a little bit of yourself in some of these:
Arturo believes his marriage needs to be perfect in order to survive.
He thinks that because he and his husband don't have kids, there will be no pressure to stay together if they hit a rough spot.
Or if the sex isn't mind-blowing, he worries his husband will want to open up the relationship, and that will ruin it.
Kai believes he must reply to every email and text.
From colleagues and friends within 10 minutes, or he'll lose his job, or his friends will dump him. He checks his phone at all times, even in therapy sessions.
Joshua goes to the gym every day to maintain his perfect body.
When he occasionally misses a day, he becomes anxious that he'll never find love. When he misses two days, he gets depressed.
Sanjay is constantly productive.
Not a second is wasted. When he showers, he brushes his teeth and does his physical therapy exercises. He over-prepares for routine business meetings.
And again, the column states that the root cause of these issues is that the need to be perfect helps manage the feeling of being an outsider amongst our friends and families and the society we live in.
And this quote actually really stood out to me:
"Perfectionism is a defense. It's there to ensure that you are loved and safe. The good news is that you can be loved and safe and also be really imperfect."
And while that's a nice sentiment, how can we accept that we as gay men don't have to be perfect to be loved?
Letting Go of Comparative Mindsets (19:15)
Psychology Today suggests that we can overcome perfectionism through practicing mindfulness and self-compassion. Now, by mindfulness, they mean we need to let go of our comparative mindset.
So, we have to stop comparing ourselves to others' accomplishments and life journeys because this is what feeds our perfectionistic tendencies and will leave us with feelings of negative self-judgment.
And this is something I really struggle with because I tend to compare myself to others. Not to put myself above others, but to look at my own shortcomings.
You know, I see, you know, gay men who have been in healthy relationships for years. And I look at myself who's single and has had short-lived flings.
And then, you know, also see those gays who have perfect abs. Not an ounce of fat on their bodies. And then I look at myself that's putting in the effort, and still don't look like that.
And then I see, you know, the power gays who are just moving up the corporate ladder, super successful, super visible in their companies. And then I look at myself where I'm still kind of floundering sometimes.
And it doesn't stop there. I can find a million things that I'm lacking that other people have, whether within or outside of the gay community.
And this really fuels my perfectionistic tendencies, and it's not a good driving force, because that should not be motivating us.
We should not be looking at things we lack that other people have, and think, oh, we need to push ourselves till we feel like shit to make up for our shortcomings.
If we want to be successful, if we want to work towards certain goals, that's fine, but we need to do it in a healthy way while we're being kind to ourselves.
And believe me, I know I am being a total fucking hypocrite saying that because I'm hearing these words, I'm projecting them out to everybody else in the universe, because I'd like them to follow them, but when I'm done recording this episode, I'll probably still be struggling with my own perfectionism.
But hey, c'est la vie.
Anyway, Psychology Today says when you become aware that you're comparing yourself to others over something you're doing, stop this stressful habit by bringing yourself to the present moment.
To do this, take a couple of conscious breaths and switch your attention to the sincere effort you're putting into the activity.
And then second, we need to practice self-compassion, which we just covered a couple episodes ago when we talked about overcoming internalized homophobia.
So just to recap on that:
That's addressing perfectionism in the broader sense, not specifically for gay men.
Gay Men Overcoming Perfectionism (21:30)
So going back to the Ask Adam column in The Advocate, Adam Blum outlined three steps gay men can take to overcome their perfectionism:
So, number one, acknowledge social teachings are false.
Our perfectionism and shame is rooted in believing stereotypes and cultural myths that feminine qualities are bad, gay sex is dirty, that men can't be trusted, and that being straight is best.
So again, these are all negative things that we heard growing up as gay boys, and we need to kind of throw those teachings out the door because they're not doing us any favors in adulthood.
Number two, we need to feel some righteous anger about these teachings.
What we were conditioned to believe is not only false, but it's destructive and has had negative implications to our emotional well-being.
So, we're allowed to feel angered by this, and we can actually feel empowered by this anger. Now, again, obviously, fine line. We want to balance it. We don't want to be angry jaded gays all the time.
We need to allow ourselves to feel the anger, to accept it, but we need to find ways to also, I think, move on from it. Because being angry all the time, it's just exhausting, and it's not good for your skin.
So, number three, we need to affirm that perfectionism has had some positive effects.
So, while we want relief from our perfectionism, it did bring about some good things. I mean, think about it.
It helped us survive adolescence, while we were struggling with our sexuality, it gave us financial security by pushing us to be more successful and independent because we might have felt like we didn't have people to fall back on.
And this isn't meant to justify our perfectionism, but it allows us to be more compassionate with ourselves, and it helps us avoid the common trap of beating ourselves up for being mean to ourselves.
Because again, that's another cycle. If we're mean to ourselves, we know it's a mistake, and then we beat ourselves up for being mean to ourselves, and by beating ourselves up for being mean to ourselves, we're just being mean to ourselves again.
So, Adam Blum, he worked with those gay men previously listed, and had them follow these steps, and these were their outcomes:
So, Arturo began asking his husband for quote-unquote boring sex.
Just to make a joke about it and to relieve the pressure. And now it's something they laugh about.
Kai tried slowing down his text responses by 5%.
And noticed that his friends still liked hanging out with him. So, then he slowed down another 5% and the same thing happened. Nothing.
When Joshua noticed he was getting stressed about not working out every day.
He let his heart break a little for his 10-year-old self that was tortured in gym class. He felt compassion for that adorable little boy and smiled gently at him in his mind.
And Sanjay is still multitasking and working too much.
But he has started to get curious about his own thoughts, and that's the most important first step.
Episode Closing (23:50)
And again, this topic was really relevant for me, and there was a lot that resonated as I read through these articles.
And I do think I need to allow myself to be a little less perfect because I felt it emotionally and physically lately.
And I've just always been worn down, and that's not a great feeling, because then I feel like I'm just, you know, sitting in the passenger seat of my life. I'm not experiencing things. I'm not living in the moment.
I'm worrying about what I need to get done, what I haven't got done, what shortcomings I have, and it detracts from the present.
And I think the next step for all of us, myself included, is to identify some areas where we can be a little imperfect in our lives with and I kind of know myself. I know where I can kind of incorporate that.
You know, not that I have a perfect body by any means, but not working out scares me because I'm so body-conscious. But I will avoid going down that rabbit hole until we do the body image episode.
But I know that by not going to the gym, that's just not something doable for me right now. I still need to do that, you know, almost every day to kind of feel a little in control.
Maybe that's something I can work on in the future. But other areas where I can start small to incorporate this are just, you know, the things I do around my house.
Maybe instead of trying to get my whole list of housework and yard work done on Saturday, I could break it up. Because, you know what I've noticed, sometimes I get it all done Saturday.
I'm exhausted Saturday night, I go to bed early, and then Sunday, I'm bored and I don't have plans and I don't have anything to do around the house, but I don't just want to lay around and watch TV, because that's boring.
So maybe I can break that list up into two. Get some of it done Saturdays, get some of it done Sunday, and then have a little bit more balance between being productive and having the downtime.
Or maybe even certain tasks I can do, you know, on a bi-weekly basis, instead of weekly. Maybe, you know, I don't have to weed whack the yard every single week.
Maybe I can let a week pass and, you know, my my home value is not going to decrease just from one week of not weed whacking.
Or maybe I can skip a weekend vacuuming the area rugs. Maybe I can do that on a bi-weekly basis. You know, I, I do have OCD myself, and that's not just me speculating.
I've, you know, gone to counseling, it's been diagnosed, but I do recognize that some of these are perfectionistic tendencies, but I also tend to get very rooted in a routine.
So, I'm used to having to do, you know, things ABC on the list, and then it kind of becomes just like my day-to-day. And if I miss one of those, it throws me off.
But I think what I might need to do is, you know, having my list, I could still keep that list, but just change the frequency up a little bit so that I don't have to get everything done in a matter of minutes.
I can give myself time to pause and breathe and take some time for myself. And I'd encourage you all to do the same. I mean, obviously quitting anything cold turkey, you're really not going to be successful, and it could actually be detrimental.
So, you know, after listening to this episode, don't just say I'm not going to be a perfectionist anymore, and just try to change your whole life up.
Because odds are, you're going to really throw yourself out of balance and might even spiral. But just find some small things you can change.
You know, you don't need to change your perfectionistic tendencies that occur within your whole life. Maybe just look at one area of your life, whether it's in your career or your personal life, or, you know, a gym routine or housework or just something.
You know, just start in one aspect of your life and start small. Just little things you could do to ease up on the perfectionism. And then, you know, as you incorporate that, as you get used to it and/or feeling comfortable, maybe step it up a level and try being imperfect in another aspect of your life.
But I think the real key here is just to do it gradually and ease into it and really be checking in with ourselves to see how we're feeling about that. Because, again, going back to the tarot, the Suit of Cups deals with emotions.
It's tied to feminine energy, asking us to meditate and reflect. But also, the King is a masculine figure we see in the tarot. So, there is some action there.
So, we need to start off with the meditation and thinking through what we can change, and then actually put it into action. Again, the King of Cups in reverse can signify a lack of boundaries.
And the word boundaries is thrown around a lot. You know, we set boundaries with work, with our relationships, with our friendships. But are we setting boundaries with ourselves?
You know, going back to taking time to relax for ourselves, maybe when we have a chore around the house that we need to do, and we tend to be more perfectionistic about it, maybe we give ourselves a 30-minute break during that time to give ourselves some time to relax and recuperate.
And set a boundary that in that 30 minutes, we're not going to look at our phones, we're not going to think about what else we need to get done.
We can just be in the present for 30 minutes, whether it's reading a book, watching TV, going for a walk outside. Just something to break it up and bring us back to the moment.
Because remember, Psychology Today said, to help prevent that comparative mindset, we need to take a couple deep breaths and bring ourselves back to the present because that comparative mindset is only going to hurt us.
It's going to make us feel unworthy, and it can lead to really negative feelings and self-judgment within us. So hopefully you found this helpful. Again, I definitely encourage you take some time to meditate.
Think of how you feel inside. We don't want to repress or bottle up those emotions. It can be scary to look at it, but we really need to. And then after you have that time of reflection, take some action.
Think of how you can allow yourself to be slightly imperfect in certain parts of your life and start putting it into action, putting it into practice. Because remember, perfect does not exist.
It is impossible to achieve it. So why are we pushing ourselves until we're completely exhausted, emotionally and physically, to achieve this idea of perfection that doesn't exist?
We need to be kinder to ourselves, and we need to allow ourselves to live in the moment and be imperfect.
Connect with A Jaded Gay (28:47)
So, thank you for listening. Please remember to rate, review, subscribe.
You can follow the podcast on Instagram and Twitter @ajadedgapod. You can follow me Rob Loveless on Instagram @rob_loveless, or on Twitter @robjloveless.
You can also send me an email at rob@ajadagay.com. I'd love to hear from you. Give me your feedback, thoughts on the episode, topics you want to hear in the future.
I'm happy to hear it all. Feel free to reach out.
And remember every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.
Mmm-bye.
Outtake (29:42)
So, this is the recipient, if you're somebody who is having unrealistic. Okay, let's try that all again because I do not know what I just said there.
