146. The Velvet Rage

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Feel the rage, baby. Feel the gay rage.

Episode Introduction (0:24)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a non-jaded gay, because earlier this week, on Tuesday, I saw my queen of pop, Kylie Minogue.

Oh, my God. I have just transcended to a new level of queer joy. And I could spend this entire episode talking about that, but I won't do that.

So, if you're interested in hearing more about my experiences at the Kylie Minogue concert, head on over to Patreon. That'll be this month's bonus episode. I don't know when.

It probably isn't going to be live by the time this episode is out, but in the next week or so, you can check it out.

Also, happy anniversary, my LGBTQuties. Three years of A Jaded Gay. Yes, I cannot believe it. A Jaded Gay is celebrating its third anniversary on April 19, wow.

And this is the longest relationship I've had with a man or a job for that matter. So, you should all feel very flattered. I'm so excited to be celebrating this anniversary with you.

And a quick reminder as a special anniversary treat, if you sign up for the Patreon at any of the paid tiers, in addition to the goodies you'll get at those tiers, you'll also get a free A Jaded Gay gift from me.

So, I appreciate the support. I hope you like the goodies, and thank you in advance for signing up.

The Velvet Rage (1:37)

And to commemorate the third anniversary, I thought, what better episode topic to discuss, than The Velvet Rage? I mean, it's like the book that kickstarted it all for me.

I know way back when, in the first episode, we referenced The Velvet Rage and talked about the concept of gay shame. It's a theme that's come up in a lot of our episodes.

And for me personally, I have a really deep connection to the book. I read it back in 2017. I was just kind of curious about reading some gay books.

Went to Barnes & Noble and just looked around, got some fiction ones, and then I came across The Velvet Rage, and it seemed interesting.

And I think just before that, I had read The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness by Michael Hobbes on HuffPost, and it did reference The Velvet Rage in that so I might have known the title from there.

But at that time, I was just going through like, a weird dating period. I've talked about in the past, where I had like, three flings back-to-back to back that just like, were not good, and dating just seemed very challenging, and I felt very anxious and unsure of who I was.

And so, when I read The Velvet Rage, it just connected with me immediately. Like it put towards everything I was feeling. And I also didn't realize, like, oh, this isn't just a me thing.

This is actually a psychological thing I need to work on for myself that a lot of members in our community also deal with.

And it really kind of just kickstarted my interest in LGBTQ+ psychology, health and wellness.

And so, I thought it would be really great to revisit this book and really deep dive into the different stages in a gay man's life, according to Dr. Alan Downs.

So, hang on to your hats. It's going to be a heavy episode. But you know the drill, before we dive into it, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (3:10)

Oh, we've got a jumper. So, a jumper refers to when you're shuffling the tarot deck and a card jumps out at you without you pulling it. It's supposed to be a sign that the universe is giving it to you.

But in my case, it might just be that I'm a terrible shuffler, but regardless, our jumper for this episode is The Sun. It's a Major Arcana card, so this is indicating something big.

It's number 19 in the Major Arcana. And in numerology, we add double digits together, which gives us 10, and that represents the completion of a cycle.

And if you add one and zero together, you get one, which represents the individual or the start of something new, because when one chapter ends, a new one begins.

And with those numbers in the Major Arcana in mind, The Sun is also tied to The Magician and The Wheel of Fortune, which are numbers one and 10 respectively.

The Magician reminds us that we have all the elements at our fingers to create what we want to and The Wheel of Fortune tells us that our fortune is constantly changing.

So, when things are good, they may not last that way forever. But also, when things are bad, we won't be stuck in those circumstances forever.

And specifically, the sun is bright and shines through the darkness, so it provides clarity in murky situations.

It's also an energetic card, so it's encouraging us to see the world through the eyes of our own inner child with renewed optimism, and it's connecting us with our inner power and strength.

Ultimately, The Sun is optimistic and encouraging us to radiate our energy to those around us.

Dr. Alan Downs (4:27)

And with that in mind, let's talk all about gay shame. And we're going to start off with a quick bio of Dr. Alan Downs.

So, he is a former corporate executive turned clinical psychologist and an openly gay man.

He has more than 35 years of experience in psychology, especially focusing on the psychology of gay men, and practices dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT, which combines mindfulness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance skills.

And on May 24, 2005, he published The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, and a second edition was published on June 5, 2012, and that's the one I have.

It's a self-help book that explores the challenges faced by gay men as they navigate societal expectations, discrimination, and internalized shame.

Gay Shame (5:11)

And like we talked about at the top of the episode way back when, in episode one, we touched upon gay shame, which is the shame that many of us have experienced from growing up in a heteronormative society.

Dr. Alan Downs states that very few of us feel the shame, but almost all of us struggle with the belief that people would consider us unlovable if they knew who we really are.

And this belief stems from hiding the secret of our sexuality, but even after we come out, this belief may manifest from the fear of showing the authentic parts of ourselves that may not seem perfect.

So as a result, many gay men try to earn love through validation, to escape the pain of believing that we're unlovable.

In fact, Dr. Alan Downs states that this belief is both the creator of the fabulous gay man and his destroyer.

And while homophobia can be cured, shame can last our entire lives if we don't work to eradicate it.

And he clarifies that gay shame is not embarrassment over being gay, but the belief that being gay is a quote-unquote symptom of a flawed psyche.

And Dr. Alan Downs outlines a three-stage model that describes the journey of navigating gay shame, which he observed in almost all the gay men he's worked with.

And these three stages are:

• Overwhelmed by shame, which is when the gay man may remain in the closet and is fearful of his sexuality
• Compensating for shame, and is when the gay man tries to neutralize his shame by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, or masculine
• And cultivating authenticity, where he begins to build a life that is based on his own passion and value, instead of trying to prove that he is desirable and lovable

And it's important to note that not every gay man will progress to this final stage. In fact, I believe, Dr. Alan Downs asserts that many gay men may remain trapped in that second stage of compensating for shame.

So, with all that being said, he wrote The Velvet Rage to help gay men achieve this final stage of authenticity.

The Need for Validation (6:55)

Now a little bit of background to paint the picture of the trauma many of us may have experienced from growing up gay.

First off, our natural desires and sexual selves were not validated, which led us to form the core belief that we were unacceptably flawed by being quote-unquote different.

Think of it this way. Straight boys developed their sense of sexual self by taking girls out on dates which was validated by their family, friends, and society at large.

And so, they came to accept this as part of themselves. However, for us gay boys, we didn't have that experience.

We recognized that we would not receive validation if we went on dates with who we truly wanted to go on dates with.

So, either we repressed that, or we played the part of being straight and took girls out on dates so that we'd fit in. This was an inauthentic action on our part, but we received validation for this.

And Dr. Alan Downs says that this validation for gay men was meaningless because we were play-acting.

As a result, this led us to develop a pseudo self which wasn't a natural growth of our abilities, desires, and intelligence.

We learned that we could earn validation from others if we kept our true selves hidden from them.

Unsurprisingly, this doesn't lead to the development of an emotionally healthy man, which is why maybe we've encountered some gay men who seem to be frozen in time, undeveloped, or even emotionally immature. Or maybe we recognize that behavior within ourselves.

Anyway, Dr. Alan Downs goes on to say that the young gay boy who learns to fake out everyone and act straight becomes starved for authentic validation.

And this authentic validation is absolutely necessary for a strong sense of self, and if we're receiving adequate amounts of authentic validation, then shameful comments or feelings have little impact on us.

However, since many of us didn't receive authentic validation, we grapple with gay shame, which can be debilitating. In fact, it can cause us to withdraw and hide away in an effort to cover up our mistakes.

And so, because shame is so distressing, we become highly motivated to avoid feeling it via two tactics.

The first is to avoid situations that evoke feelings of shame, and the second is to elicit validation to compensate for the shame.

Now, since many of us didn't develop the ability to self-generate authentic validation, we often go through our daily lives feeling invalidated.

In fact, since we are very vulnerable to shame and because it is so easily triggered within us, we become hyper-vigilant in avoiding shame and seeking validation.

And this leads to inhibited emotions, which are feelings that we successfully avoid and don't allow ourselves to feel.

Now, Dr. Alan Downs states that rage and shame are two inhibited emotions that are especially problematic for gay men.

Since we don't allow ourselves to feel these emotions, we aren't aware of how significantly they affect and influence our lives.

After all, when we repress our emotions and bottle them up so frequently, they're bound to surface eventually in unhealthy and sometimes intense ways, which can lead us to making illogical decisions.

So, with that in mind, let's dive deeper into Dr Alan Downs three stage model of gay shame.

Overwhelmed by Shame (9:50)

Again, the first stage is overwhelmed by shame, and this stage begins when we recognize we're different than what's considered the societal norm while living in a society that worships masculine power.

Sure, so during this stage, gay men typically face the reality that they are gay and that they can't change that no matter what they do, whether they try to repress those feelings or date women.

And with this realization comes the need to lessen the feeling of shame by typically unhealthy coping mechanisms.

In fact, the gay man learns that shame is manageable if he avoids the situations, people, and feelings that trigger it.

And one such quote-unquote coping mechanism is denying our sexuality because, remember, recognizing you're gay and accepting it are two very different things.

And this can include avoiding anything that can remotely be considered gay. Additionally, this denial causes us to split our lives into two separate parts.

One part was the acceptable public self, and the other was the secretive darker self. And this darker self was the part we only allowed out when we absolutely had to.

So maybe after oppressing ourselves for so long, we couldn't hold back any longer, and so we looked at gay porn on the computer or downloaded a gay hookup app, or met someone for an anonymous, casual encounter.

But then after we were done, we immediately buried that darker self again because we didn't consider them publicly acceptable.

Dr. Alan Downs explains that this is known as splitting and it's especially problematic.

While we might be telling ourselves this is just being dishonest or hiding something, it's actually a much deeper psychological issue.

And think of that association we're developing: that anything gay is bad and needs to be hidden from the public. And we can carry those associations with us long after we come out.

In fact, Dr. Alan Downs says that splitting is the most troublesome and persistent behavior learned during stage one.

And while it often allows us to avoid shame, it will eventually undermine our relationships. And that ties into our interactions with other gay men during this stage.

We said this a long time ago in at least one of the episodes, but like attracts like.

So whatever dynamics we're used to, we find ourselves drawn to in dating scenarios because it's familiar, and familiarity feels safe, even if it's unhealthy.

So, during stage one, we're likely to pursue relationships with other gay men in stage one, which, unsurprisingly, are doomed from the beginning.

And sadly, these relationships tend to be some of the most defining and impactful relationships of our lives and will shape our future dating patterns.

Dr. Alan Downs says these relationships tend to be a tumultuous time filled with rage, fear, and shame, and they are often intense, explosive, and deeply wounding.

And the reason these relationships have such enormous power on us is because they are our first real experience of feeling romantic love blended with erotic surges.

It's a joyful moment that touches our innermost secret, and it gives us our first feeling of genuine completeness.

However, given all the baggage we've talked about, gay men in this stage are not equipped to have a healthy intimate relationship, and our internal conflicts prevent us from gaining the emotional clarity needed to maintain a safe and satisfying bond.

And I'm going to read this verbatim from The Velvet Rage:

"The situation compounds when two men, both overwhelmed with shame, come together in an intense and explosive expression of passion. What produces arguably the most erotic experiences of a gay man's life also takes him to the lowest place he is likely to know."

And this really hits home for me, because during the time when I first read this, I had only had short-lived flings.

And looking back, I realized that they were nothing special or validating or safe or anything secure and stable to build something deeper.

But during those times, those flings, even after a few weeks, felt very intense to me. Like I was holding on to them, hoping to make something work, because I needed it.

Like dating became my hobby at the time, and that was my main focus. And after all, those flings inevitably ended, I'd be missing those people, but not the people themselves, but being not single.

Like I remember saying to one of my therapists that I didn't miss those exes as people, but I missed how I felt dating them. Ad that's not a great feeling.

And it's no surprise, but this denial or crisis of identity becomes the root of depression in gay men that can lead to a variety of chronicle psychological symptoms.

Fortunately, though, once a gay man resolves this identity crisis and comes to term with his sexual attraction to men, he can begin to learn to explore what it means to live as a gay man in a predominantly straight world.

Now, the gay man isn't necessarily avoiding feelings of shame, but instead trying to attack it by proving that he's worthy and lovable as a gay man through other means of validation, which are not usually authentic forms of validation.

Compensating for Shame (14:23)

And this is when we enter the second stage, compensating for shame.

Now, in this stage, gay men learn to compensate for their shame by having others acknowledge their superior and creative accomplishments to basically overshadow their sexual orientation.

This allows the gay man to convince himself that he isn't so bad after all, and still loveable.

In this stage, gay men are growing more comfortable with their sexuality, both publicly and privately, but they're still dealing with the core shame.

They may not believe that being gay is wrong, but they still hold the core belief that they are inferior because they are gay.

So, to silence this, gay men seek inauthentic validation through various means, and this can lead to moments of impulsivity, which gay men will tend to repeat because they can't learn from their mistakes.

And this can lead to a variety of vicious cycles. In fact, one of the most vicious cycles is when a gay man jumps from relationship to relationship. Guilty.

The shame over a failed relationship is too distressing, so the gay man tries to avoid the memory of the failed relationship by jumping into another one.

But by doing this, obviously, he's not taking the time to address the problems from past relationships, so he's not learning or growing.

I mean a prime example of this, and I think I've referenced it in the past, but from September 2016 to May 2017 I went through what I refer to as the unholy trinity of dating.

From the end of September to the end of October, I dated a guy who ghosted me bad overnight. Like completely disappeared and didn't show up to plans we had made.

And then while I was checking Grindr to see if he was still alive, I connected with another guy who I dated from November 2016 to the end of February 2017.

And this guy lied about his age and had some issues with alcohol, and toward the end of our fling, he would get drunk and say some pretty terrible things about me.

And then we broke up, and by mid-March 2017, I was dating someone else who was a bit of a partier and very much involved in the gay scene.

And looking back, I see a major problem that I didn't give myself any time between those dating scenarios to think to myself, okay, what did I just go through? Because I didn't want to be alone.

So instead of addressing those issues, I just kept pushing to try to find another date.

And I was so focused on the validation of, do these guys like me, instead of, is this someone I'm compatible with who wants the same things out of life as me?

And on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are gay men who may jump from relationship to relationship because they get bored.

After the initial excitement of a new fling wears off, they begin to notice faults in their partner or little things that irritate them.

And I think we talked about this in the emotional unavailability episode, but there is a difference between actual deal breakers, where you're not on the same page as someone, versus little annoyances or differences.

But going back to the vicious cycle, once the excitement is gone from a new fling and those things pop up, the gay man may get bored and jump to the next fling, until that sense of excitement inevitably wears off, too.

And regardless of whether the gay man goes from failed relationship from failed relationship or is guilty of jumping to the next fling when things cool off, they are bound to experience some form of relationship trauma at some point, such as betrayal, abandonment, or even abuse.

And when that happens, the gay man might develop relationship hopelessness and decide that this cycle is all that relationships will ever be for them.

This can lead him to deciding that relationships are too much work and avoid romantic intimacy altogether.

Like we said, those early relationships with other gay men in stage one are very impactful.

And oftentimes they steal our innocence from us about what kind of relationship we could have with our lovers.

And since many of us didn't have healthy gay role models of successful, happy, and loving gay relationships, we may lose hope that we can ever find genuine romantic relationships to be in.

We still crave it, but we lose the hope that that craving will ever be satisfied. So, to avoid loneliness, the gay man may seek out brief sexual encounters.

And in these situations, he's really just emotionally distracting himself from feeling lonely by chasing someone.

The problem with this is that sex is then viewed as an emotion regulation method that is used for a temporary mood boost.

And if we don't learn to manage our emotions and learn to confront our loneliness, sex can become a process addiction.

Now that's not the only process addiction gay men may face in stage two.

Some may spend all their money to have the fanciest things. Others may throw all their time into the gym and remaining beautiful, and some may abuse substances.

So, to get past this, gay men must learn to manage their emotions in a healthier way, to leave these addictions behind that stem from the vicious relationship cycle we talked about.

And fortunately, this cycle can be broken by learning to tolerate and reduce shame via learning from past relationship mistakes.

This allows gay men to carefully examine and understand those past mistakes, to reduce the shame going forward instead of avoiding it altogether.

And when gay men eventually reach the end of this stage, they begin to question the meaning of the lives they have built through inauthentic validation.

In fact, the bridge between stages two and three is kind of an identity crisis. During this time, relationships may end, career choices will be questioned, and friendships may even be dismissed.

Eventually, the meaning of life the gay man built is now rejected, revised, destroyed, and reinvented, and this is when the game man officially enters stage three, cultivating authenticity.

Cultivating Authenticity (19:32)

During this stage, shame is no longer the driving force in the gay man's life.

And Dr. Alan Downs claims that this stage begins with a vague sense of freedom and awareness of confusion because everything that once felt familiar to the gay man now feels somewhat foreign.

In fact, there is a growing awareness that his life must be slowly redefined in all aspects. And this often manifests in gay men leaving the quote-unquote gay scene.

You know, they don't feel the need to spend all their time in gay bars or on apps trying to pick guys up or attending every high-profile gay social event.

And this period of time can be described as ongoing ambiguity, where nothing is really certain, except for the fact that previous ways of avoiding shame no longer interest the gay man.

So, bye-bye, bath houses, dance clubs, and one-night stands. And while the gay man might still be interested in financial or career success, it's no longer as attractive as it used to be.

During this time, there may also be an increased understanding that the roots of our trauma come from being a man in a hyper-masculine culture and being a gay man in a predominantly straight world.

The gay man recognizes that these factors have made having a healthy relationship extremely difficult, and they have a desire to relearn everything they know about relationships in order to make them work successfully.

For example, I no longer go on dates with guys just because they wear snapbacks, have tattoos, and bad attitudes. And that, my friends, is called growth.

But going back to The Velvet Rage, the gay man may look back on past mistakes and dating patterns, and so during stage three, he begins reflecting on the relationship trauma he likely encountered during the first two stages.

And we probably have all faced some form of relationship trauma in our lives.

In fact, Dr. Alan Downs states that it's rare that gay men make it from young adulthood into middle age without suffering at least a moderate relationship trauma.

So, when gay men approach stage three, they accept that they've experienced past relationship trauma and work to find ways to diminish its effect on their lives.

Now you may be wondering what constitutes as relationship trauma, and Dr. Alan Downs outlines four primary types, which include:

• Betrayal
• Abuse
• Abandonment
• And relationship ambivalence

Now those categories, while broad, are pretty straightforward. In fact, we covered abandonment issues and attachment styles in previous episodes.

But I do want to dive a little deeper into betrayal, which Dr. Alan Downs states is the most devastating form of relationship trauma, which can take years or even a lifetime to heal from.

Now, while I think we can all understand what betrayal is, an interesting result of experiencing this is relationship hopelessness.

And according to Dr. Alan Downs, this is present when a gay man stops believing that a relationship can be fulfilling.

While he may still have crushes and flings, he never allows them to transition to long-term relationships.

In fact, when Dr. Alan Downs encounters relationship hopelessness in a gay male client, he works with them to usually discover at least one betrayal, which remain clear and vivid memories.

So, during stage three, we want to work to overcome relationship trauma and when it comes to betrayals, it's both simple and complex to heal from it.

It's as simple as accepting the betrayal happened, and that it's not a reflection of us being unlovable.

However, this is obviously easier said than done, but even though it's difficult, we need to work on accepting the following two things. One, all men and gay men in particular have shortcomings.

And two, betrayal is a product of the betrayer's woundedness and not our fault. In other words, it's okay that we're not perfect, because no one is.

And if we were betrayed, it's not because we weren't perfect. It was because the other person was still in an earlier stage of shame, and their woundedness is what caused them to betray us.

And obviously, if we want to form a relationship free of betrayal, then we need to address our woundedness, and also, we need to find a partner who is actively working on healing their emotional wounds as well. Otherwise, we continue the cycle of hurt.

We date wounded men who aren't interested in healing, who betray us and reinforce our relationship hopelessness, which prevents us from choosing healthier partners.

So, if we're healing from betrayal, let's shift the mindset from what did I do to deserve this to how can I prevent this from happening again?

Now moving on to another form of relationship trauma, the ambivalent relationship, this is more subtle and occurs when a partner is warm and caring at times, and then once he senses his partner drawing closer emotionally, he backs off and becomes emotionally distant.

And to me, this kind of mirrors a bit of what we talked about regarding the fearful-avoidant attachment style.

And while the ambivalent relationship may lack drama that's typical of other relationship trauma, it still can be just as wounding in the long run. And that's because there's no consistency.

The partner woos and seduces, but when their partner gets too close, they back off and may even push them away and criticize them.

But once they fear they're losing their partner, they'll go back into wooing and seducing them and then repeating the cycle.

And Dr. Alan Downs says that the traumatic wounding from an ambivalent relationship is a slow but steady process that causes the recipient to question his ability to function in the relationship.

He also claims that ambivalent relationships are just as damaging as virtually any form of physical or emotional abuse, but sometimes even more so, because on the surface level, the relationship may seem safe, but in reality, it isn't.

And the back and forth and ups and downs of these kind of relationships slowly tears away at a gay man's emotional resources.

So, in stage three, when the gay man overcomes his relationship trauma, he begins to build his life free from shame and emotional pain.

And this process allows him to find genuine contentment from things that bring him joy. And those things that bring him joy are usually things he's passionate about.

In the past, he may have focused on finding pseudo-joy through substance abuse, casual sex, or superficial things, but now he's free to find what he is authentically passionate about.

And Dr. Alan Downs defines passion as the repeated experience of joy in doing something. It's important to note that this consistently brings feelings of joy.

So again, looking at harmful cycles in the past, the gay man may have felt fearful of relationships from past relationship trauma, so he avoided emotional connection, and when he felt lonely, he'd search for a quick hookup.

But after the fun is over, he feels shame or may go back to his avoidance of emotional connection and isolate himself until he feels lonely enough to find another casual encounter and repeat the cycle.

So, while this may have brought him fleeting moments of pseudo joy, gay men in stage three find activities that consistently bring joy.

Maybe it's something as small as gardening or taking walks outside or trying new restaurants, regardless of what the outlet may be there are three aspects to creating and prolonging joy:

• Number one, make yourself vulnerable to joy
• Two, notice when you feel joy
• And three, repeat the behaviors that create joy

Now, with that in mind, there is an important distinction between validation and joy. Early in the stages of gay shame, the gay man would pursue validation to defend against shame.

But in stage three, the gay man has discovered his passion and pursues it not because it brings about validation, but because it brings about joy. Sure, there may be validation from the joy.

For example, if writing brings you joy, and you write a book, you might receive compliments on your achievement.

But the main focus of the writing isn't the validation of achievement, but the joy the gay man receives while writing.

And in addition to finding our authentic passions, we need to honor our love and integrity so we can find contentment in life.

Dr. Alan Downs explains that passion is about feeling joy in an activity while love is about noticing joy in the presence of another person.

However, for a lot of us, it's been hard to achieve love since we were driven to avoid shame.

Like we talked about, a lot of us didn't learn to counter shame, so instead, we avoided any source that resulted in it.

Since we feared we were gay, we avoided being vulnerable with other men, especially gay men, to avoid the shame of being labeled gay or effeminate, because men aren't supposed to have feelings.

And while we may have later acted on our attractions to other men that was more physical.

In fact, Dr. Alan Downs states that during stages one and two, what we think is love is actually more of an appreciation of another person who assists us in some way in our quest to avoid shame.

So, we need to really understand what qualities in another person bring us joy because when we are mindful of experiencing authentic joy with someone, that's when we'll truly be able to feel love.

And lastly is integrity. And this is pretty straightforward. This means we're integrating all parts of ourself in our gay identity and living in a state of being undivided.

We're living authentically, and we're no longer hiding parts of ourself or splitting. And this goes back to the episode on code-switching we did last year.

Now this can be challenging, even for gay men in stage three, since we've spent so much of our lives hiding unpleasant truths, but really, we need to take the lessons we've learned in past episodes about self-care, self-kindness, self-confidence, and really channel those that we can begin to live more authentically in all aspects of our lives.

And I know this is all really heavy, but I think it's important to be mindful of the concepts in The Velvet Rage so we can all work to be healthier gay men.

Like I said, this book had a profound impact on me when I first read it back in 2017 and it helped me recognize some of my own unhealthy behaviors.

And it's kind of become the inspiration for me to promote more awareness around LGBTQ+ mental health issues and challenges, not just for myself, but to also spread kindness in my own local LGBTQ+ community.

And hopefully, it does the same for you too. So, after you're done listening, definitely go out and buy this book, The Velvet Rage by Dr. Alan Downs. I cannot recommend it enough, and you'll be glad you did.

Episode Closing (28:59)

And connecting it back to the tarot, The Sun. Again, this is a Major Arcana card that's bringing clarity to confusing situations.

It's a very energetic card, so it wants us to take action, and it's encouraging us to really see the world through the eyes of our own inner child with renewed optimism.

And as it relates to The Velvet Rage, you know, we talked about a lot of trauma we've experienced from childhood, from the earliest moments when we recognized we were gay.

For myself, that was probably around the age of 12. And looking back, I feel very sad about the things that I worried about and that I carried with me as a child, because when I was 12, that's just all I knew, and that's how I moved forward in my life.

But in hindsight, I realized that's a lot to carry as an adult, let alone a 12-year-old who's still a kid and figuring out life.

And while it can be easy to feel jaded and like you might have been robbed of moments in childhood, I think addressing the challenges raised in The Velvet Rage can allow us to really reconnect with our inner child and reframe some of those situations we've gone through.

You know, an example of this that I have is, unrelated to my sexuality, but when I was a kid, I was a straight-A student, and in fourth grade, I remember I got a B+ on my math test.

And I came home and obviously showed it to my mom, and she wasn't happy about it. And it wasn't a reflection of me. It's because there had been some issues with this math teacher in particular.

She taught math a different way. So, she said, you know, I don't teach regular math. I teach my version of math.

And when I was struggling with math, and my mom tried to show me how to do it, I would say, no, I'm not supposed to do it this way, even though it was the right answer.

And my mom saw that I was struggling with it, and she was upset, seeing that I was upset over it because she knew that me being a straight-A student, this wasn't a reflection of my ability, but about how this teacher was teaching.

But in that moment when she saw the B+ on my test, she said, Bs are average, you're not average.

And now, as an adult, I laugh about this with her, because now as an adult, and knowing the context of that, I can obviously look back and see okay, my mom was frustrated with the math teacher, and that's what that statement was coming from.

But as a fourth grader, I'm thinking, my mom's angry at me because I didn't get a perfect A on this. I need to do better. And that's just a quick example.

In the larger context of our sexuality, I think there are a lot of moments where we weren't affirmed as children, and I think because of that, we grew up to feel flawed or imperfect because of something that's very natural to us.

And so now that we're adults, hopefully, we're being kinder to ourselves and more empathetic to our lives and what's going on around us, maybe we can take the lessons of The Velvet Rage and The Sun to kind of look through the world again, through the eyes of our inner child, and reframe those painful memories we might have to remind ourselves, okay, this happened, but it's not because I was flawed or anything I did wrong.

It's because society wasn't ready to accept me yet. And I think that can help kind of plant the seeds to help us heal as we continue on our journey of emotional well-being and healing.

And again, while this is a heavier topic to talk about, The Sun is ultimately a super optimistic card, and it's really about spreading positivity and happiness and joy.

So, I think if we take into consideration the lessons that Dr. Alan Downs has outlined in The Velvet Rage and really work on healing, we can move to a sunnier time in our lives where there's more positivity and joy for us, especially that queer joy.

We can just celebrate our existence and feel contentment in our lives without having to seek the superficial validation from others.

And as we become healthier gay men, we can also radiate that energy to others in our community and help spread the kindness to them as well, to really help support our community as a whole.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (32:26)

So happy anniversary, and thank you all for listening. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you being on this three-year journey with me, and I'm excited to see where the future goes with the podcast.

So as always, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support. If you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. Five stars only. I greatly appreciate it.

And since it's our anniversary, why not post a little nice, you know, like happy anniversary post on social media like all those gross straight couples do, I'd love to see that.

I'd love to feel, spread that sunlight and joy to me. I'd love it. And tell your friends to check us out too.

For more information about this topic, episode resources, blog posts, links to merchandise, socials, all that fun stuff, you can visit the website ajadedgay.com.

You can connect with a podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, if you're feeling generous, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That gets you instant access to episodes ad-free, a day early, plus exclusive monthly bonus content.

Or if you just want to access the monthly bonus episodes, you can purchase them for $3 each.

And if you're scared of commitment, don't worry. I get it. You can make a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee for any dollar amount, and both of those are @ajadedgaypod.

And remember: every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (34:13)

Literally, all this talk about rage is reminding me of Jacqueline from Real Housewives of New Jersey in that one episode where she's like, yes, rage, rage on my ass.

Deep cut for all the Real Housewives stans out there. Hey.