15. Understanding Attachment Styles

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Okay, so Ariana Grande stans might know the deep-cut Jason's Song.

But odds are they don't know that the song Needy was originally titled Rob's Song because that song is my life.

Episode Introduction (0:30)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I'm a non-jaded gay because I think Stella got her groove back.

I know, a couple weeks ago, in our perfectionist episode, I was talking about how I've been feeling really drained lately.

I've just been pushing myself. I've been exhausted physically, mentally, and it's just been go, go, go, and I haven't been taking enough time for myself.

And since that episode, I've been trying to incorporate some of those things into my own practice. Trying to take some time for myself to relax. By no means am I perfect at that.

You know, like they say those who can't do podcast. But I've been feeling a little bit more motivated when it comes to the gym. And I think part of that is because I did get a new pre-workout.

And I'm usually pretty careful about that because I don't like all the caffeine or the synthetic crap in it. You know, I've tried some in the past that, literally, you drink it and, like, your skin is itching.

And you're, like, getting ready to rip your skin off, and it's awful. So, I didn't want any of that, but I'd gotten one a couple months back that was supposed to be, like, all-natural, stimulant-free.

And the issue was, with it being stimulant-free, really did not give me the energy I needed. I mean, don't get me wrong, pretty wired. You hear how fast I talk.

But at 4 am I do need a little something to help me get my morning going. But I found this other one that it's still pretty natural. It does have caffeine in it, but it's supposed to be caffeine equivalent to a cup of coffee.

So, it's just that little pep I need in the morning to get me going. And I've just been feeling more focused at the gym, more energized, more excited about working out.

And not even for the sense of, you know, working out to look a certain way, but just to, you know, get the blood flowing, get my body in motion, and just do something that feels good for myself.

So yeah, I definitely feel like I've been getting my gym groove back, and, you know, hopefully, with the rest of the summer coming up, you know, it'll just be onwards and upwards.

Understanding Attachment Styles (2:10) 

Anyway, today, I wanted to talk about attachment styles. And I feel like I've been hearing about this term more frequently in recent years.

And when I was younger, I never really gave too much thought into this concept, but I should have because I was clingy and I wanted to spend all my free time with whoever I was dating.

And then, when we were apart, I felt insecure and was wondering what they were doing.

And I think it's because I was always using dating apps, so I was worried that, you know, if they weren't talking to me, or if they weren't hanging out with me, then they might be on those apps, cheating, or talking to someone else. And I'd sit around waiting for their text obsessively.

And obviously, this is super unhealthy. I was super anxious, and I felt like shit. And I think a lot of that was because, you know, through using the dating apps, I'd always felt like I was falling into this pattern where I'd meet a guy on the apps, and we'd go on a date or a few dates, but then he might still be on the apps afterwards.

And to be fair, so was I, but it made me feel that I couldn't trust our in-person interactions because even though we might be able to go out and have a good time and he might seem sincere in his words and actions, he might then, on the flip side, be back on those apps talking to somebody else and planning a date with somebody else.

And because of this pattern, I think I conditioned myself to form unhealthy attachments like I described earlier. So, in more recent years, I've become more conscious of attachment styles and how I'm feeling and how I'm showing up in a dating scenario.

So today, I wanted to go over attachment styles in the general sense, learn a little bit more about them, but then look a little more specifically at attachment styles and how they show up in gay men.

And then, talk about some ways on how we can overcome that as well. So, to kick off the episode, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (3:41) 

So, the card for this episode is the Ace of Pentacles. And I feel like we may have pulled this one before. If not, we definitely pulled an ace card. But as a reminder, Pentacles is tied to the element of earth.

It's feminine energy, so it's calling us to be reflective and to meditate. Pentacles is usually tied to prosperity, usually financial prosperity.

But you can also think about it in the general sense of reaping the fruits of your labor and putting in the hard work and then getting the payoff in the long run.

So, you got to put in the work to achieve what you want. And in the Minor Arcana suits, the ace is the beginning of each suit. So, this is kind of our starting off point of our journey within that suit.

The beginning of a new cycle. And really, you know, when you see these ace cards, it's just a hand floating in the air, appearing out of a cloud, holding the suit's symbol.

So, in Pentacles, we're holding a coin. And really, it's indicating to us, you know, that we're seeing new beginnings and abundance on the horizon.

And aces, in general, they kind of signify an elemental gift from the universe that they're presenting to us in the material realm.

So, since this card is the start of the Pentacle suit, it could indicate that we're taking our first steps forward on a new adventure or journey.

And generally, it's signifying that we're working towards a path of prosperity. And this card is really the universe's way of giving us a green light to take those first steps as we work towards manifesting our goals.

And it's assuring us that we have the tools and resources we need to be successful. So, we need to have that confidence in ourself.

So, we're reflecting right now, we're meditating, and we have some ideas forming for what we want and how we can achieve that.

And this card's kind of a gentle push to let us know we need to start taking action towards that. And while this card is typically tied to wealth, and it's signifying that there's an abundance of wealth on the horizon for us, wealth is also a general term.

So, you could think of other ways of being wealthy. You know, a sense of happiness or fulfillment or love. So, we need to be reflective and meditative, but be aware of what's surrounding us and what's coming our way, and be open to any gifts from the universe.

Because we are getting ready to take those steps forward, and that's something to definitely keep in mind as we talk through today's topic.

Because, you know, with attachment styles, a lot of the attachment styles we have in adulthood come from experiences we've had in our formative years that could lead to insecure attachments.

So, we need to be mindful that we have the resources and tools to be confident and to communicate what we need and to form healthy attachments.

But we need to be aware and realize what's been impacting us, reflect and meditate on that, and then take action to take some steps forward to overcome these attachment styles.

John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory (5:59)

So, let's get right into it. Starting off with attachment styles, we have John Bowlby, who was a psychiatrist and psychoanalysis.

And he actually conducted research on the nature of early attachments in the late 50s and 60s.

And he went on to define attachment as the lasting psychological connectedness between human beings and eventually proposed the concept of attachment theory.

And this theory suggests that humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver and that such a bond will develop during the first six months of a child's life if the caregiver is appropriately responsive.

And Bowlby believed that we have an attachment system that serves two primary functions. The first is to protect vulnerable individuals from potential threats or harm.

And the second is to regulate negative emotions following threatening or harmful events. Now, this model was more about a parent-child attachment.

Attachment Styles (6:47)

And then, in 1987, we have Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, who suggested that attachment theory can also apply to romantic relationships.

Then, in 1990, they went on to propose that there are four distinct attachment styles which are still widely accepted today.

So, the first is secure, and that's the capacity to connect well and securely in relationships with others while also having the capacity for autonomous action as situationally appropriate.

There's anxious preoccupied, which is seeking high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from partners and becoming overly dependent.

Then there's dismissive-avoidant, which is desiring a high level of independence, often appearing to avoid attachment altogether.

And finally, fearful avoidant, which is having mixed feelings about close relationships, both desiring and feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness.

And SimplyPsychology.org put together a chart that's really helpful in illustrating what these attachment styles are and what they look like.

So, think of a grid, we have two perpendicular lines. And for the vertical line, at the top, we have a positive model of others indicating low avoidance, and at the bottom, we have a negative model of others indicating high avoidance.

And then, the horizontal line measures the model of self. So, to the left is a positive model of self, and that indicates low anxiety. And the right is the negative model of self, indicating high anxiety. And your model of others and self correlate to your attachment style.

So, someone who has a positive model of other and self tends to have a secure attachment. So that's low anxiety and low avoidance.

A positive model of others but negative model of self correlates to an anxious preoccupied attachment style, and that's high anxiety and low avoidance.

So, they'll stick around in the attachment but feel very anxious throughout. Then, we have a negative model of others and a negative model of self, which correlates to a fearful avoidant attachment style, which is characterized by high anxiety and high avoidance.

So, you could think of somebody who, you know, wants to be in a relationship. They're attaching to someone, but they feel anxious about it.

So, then they might just dip. They ghost, they're out of the picture because to them, it's too, they're too anxious to even try to make this work.

And then, lastly, we have a negative model of others and a positive model of self, and that's tied to dismissive avoidant attachment. So that's low anxiety and high avoidance.

So, with all that being said, let's look into the characteristics of these attachment styles.

Secure Attachment Characteristics (9:02)

So, first is secure attachment. And again, that's low anxiety and low avoidance.

Secure attachment is characterized by trust, an adaptive response to being abandoned, and the belief that one is worthy of love.

Secure adults tend to hold positive self-image and positive image of others, meaning that they had both a sense of worthiness and an expectation that other people were generally accepting and responsive.

Anxious-Preoccupied Characteristics (9:23)

Next, is anxious preoccupied. And again, that's high anxiety, low avoidance. This is characterized by a concept that others will not reciprocate one's desire for intimacy.

Adults with an ambivalent attachment style are overly concerned with the uncertainty of relationships.

They hold a negative self-image and a positive image of others, meaning that they have a sense of unworthiness but generally evaluated others positively.

They strive for self-acceptance by attempting to gain approval and validation from their relationships with significant others.

They also require higher levels of contact and intimacy from relationships with others.

Dismissive-Avoidant Characteristics (9:56)

Next, we have dismissive-avoidant. That's low anxiety and high avoidance. And this is demonstrated by adults who hold a positive self-image and a negative image of others.

So, they prefer to avoid close relationships and intimacy with others in order to retain a sense of independence and invulnerability.

And they deny experiencing distress associated with relationships and downplay the importance of attachment in general, viewing other people as untrustworthy.

Fearful-Avoidant Characteristics (10:20)

And lastly, fearful-avoidant. Again, high anxiety, high avoidance. They want to form social relationships while simultaneously fearing the relationship results in mental instability.

So, they mistrust the relationships they do form, and they also view themselves as unworthy.

They have a less pleasant outlook on life compared to anxious preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant groups. And similar to dismissive-avoidant, they seek less intimacy and suppress their feelings.

The Intersection of Attachment and Sexual Minority Stress (10:45)

So again, attachment theory initially looked at infant-caregiver relationships, and the attachment styles associated with infants tended to correspond to one of these adult attachment styles.

But it's important to note that while our attachment styles are initially based off of our relationships with our caregivers, they are active throughout our entire lifespan.

And during adulthood, new attachment bonds are formed, which may become a significant source of support during periods of stress or during periods of goal achievement and exploration.

And this is where the gay comes in. So, in June 2016, Behavioral Medicine published a study by Stephanie H. Cook and Benjamin J. Calebs titled The Integrated Attachment and Sexual Minority Stress Model: Understanding the Role of Adult Attachment in the Health and Well-Being of Sexual Minority Men.

And try saying that ten times fast. Literally, had to rehearse this a bunch of times so I didn't stumble over that. And I'm impressed I did it in one take.

Anyway, in it, they explored the link between attachment, sexual minority stress, and health among sexual minority men.

Now, the study admits that at the time of the publication, there was little research about how social stressors can contribute to changes in attachment among sexual minority men between childhood and adulthood.

However, they do suggest that the particular forms and consistency of stressors to which sexual minority men are exposed have the potential to overburden their attachment system, which, in turn, could contribute to a change in attachment style.

And those stressors they're talking about, think of things like discrimination, rejection by parents or peers after coming out, things like that.

They also referenced a 1987 study titled Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process, which stated that adolescents begin to develop attachment relationships with peers while their parents remain a key attachment figure.

And this is the same time when sexual identity is beginning to develop and be explored as well.

So, the 2016 study goes on to cite additional studies that sexual identity development is tied to attachment and social support.

So, positive experiences associated with sexual identity development are believed to be tied to the development of a secure attachment style.

And if you think about it, a lot of us probably didn't have too many positive experiences during our sexual identity development, which can explain why we may not exhibit secure attachment styles as adults.

I mean, think about it, either one, we were closeted, so we were trying to form relationships with the opposite sex who we were not attracted to. So, they were not genuine relationships.

Or, during adolescence, we might have not dated at all. So, we kind of lost out on that, you know, ability to kind of learn how to date and learn how to form relationships like our straight peers did.

And interestingly enough, the study states that insecure attachment has been shown to be associated with negative experiences of sexual identity development, which includes increased shame, internalized homophobia, and decreased rates of sexual identity disclosure to family members and friends.

So, let's think about it this way. Growing up closeted in a non-affirming society, we experienced trauma and felt shame for being gay, which we still may carry with us today.

And we may not even believe that we're worthy of love, which I think particularly ties into the fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles.

And because we don't feel worthy, we may end up dating people who aren't good for us, which only adds to us questioning our self-worth.

And then, after being burned so many times, we might say we're better off being alone, even though we may not believe that, and long for a healthy relationship.

But then we repress that urge because we don't want to go through that situation again, and we think it's better to be lonely than to be hurt or deceived by somebody we trusted.

And I think you can see that tied into the dismissive avoidant attachment style. So, let's do a little hypothetical situation here.

Honestly, I'd argue that probably many of us don't start off with secure attachment styles anyway because of the fear of coming out and worrying about how we might lose friends and family if we come out.

So, we might look to our dating life at that time for validation, and then this can lead to an anxious attachment style.

Remember that anxious attachment style, they tend to have low self-worth but look at others positively. And then, we might be dating others who have their own emotional baggage.

So that only hurts us more and then continues to fuel this anxious attachment style throughout our dating journey, no matter who we date. Because we're conditioning ourselves to date men like that.

Or, eventually, we might just fear being hurt and transition into a fearful avoidant style. I mean, remember that guy that I went on a couple dates with back in December?

We had a real good time. We had texted for a little while. Seemed to have a good connection. He seemed emotionally intelligent. We talked about feelings and stuff from the past and all that.

And then, literally, you know, we hung out, and he said, I want to take you out for dinner. And that was last I heard of him.

And then, like, a month later, sent me that long text where he's saying, oh, you know, this happened and that.

But the one key thing that really stood out to me was he said, "My ex texted me and, you know, made a negative remark, and I was surprised by how much I liked you. I didn't think I was really, like, capable of liking somebody like that again. So, I got scared."

That's a perfect example of fearful avoidant. You're scared to like again. You're scared of getting hurt again, so then you're just gonna avoid the situation by just ghosting right on out of there.

And remember, you know, you might think that you're protecting yourself, but in any type of dating scenario, there's two people there.

So, when somebody just goes quiet and leaves, you're still leaving some, you know, negativity on that other person, who's then going to process that their own way.

And that could also then lead to this cycle of, you know, negative attachments.

You know, maybe somebody starts off with a secure attachment style but goes through that quite a bit, and then they might slip into the dismissive avoidance style, where they're saying, you know, it's not worth the trouble.

All men suck. All men are flaky. You know, I can't form a healthy gay relationship. It's not possible for two gay men to settle down, so I'm just gonna avoid it all and do my own thing.

So, you can see, in that scenario, our behaviors associated with these types of attachment styles can be projected onto the men we date, and that can impact their own attachment style.

I mean, I've talked about it before. It's that cycle of hurt. It's just become so cyclical.

You might start off all, you know, bright eyed bushy tailed dating, excited to get yourself out there, but then you start dating some jaded gays who, you know, have their own baggage, they might not be totally into it, or, you know, they're giving you the bare minimum whatever, and then leave you high and dry.

You feel hurt, you feel betrayed. And then after a few situations like that, you start exhibiting those own behaviors because you start doubting the ability to form a healthy relationship, too.

And then maybe you date somebody who's newer into the gay dating scene, and they're all, you know, enthusiastic and eager, and then, you know, you're kind of pushing that trauma on them.

And then they get hurt, and they push on to the next person. It's just, it's never-ending, but we have to work on this to break the cycle.

So, that being said, let's take a look at another study.

In 2010, the American Journal of Men's Health published a study by Jac Brown and Robert Trevethan titled Shame, Internalized Homophobia, Identity Formation, Attachment Style, and the Connection to Relationship Status in Gay Men.

In it, they found that in gay men, shame was predicted by internalized homophobia and anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

And gay men who are not currently in a relationship reported higher levels of shame, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles.

And more recently, an August 2021 study published in Sexuality Research and Social Policy found that securely attached gay men demonstrated higher levels of well-being and relationship satisfaction.

And supporting the 2010 study, it also found that gay men with higher levels of anxiety and avoidant attachment had lower well-being and relationship satisfaction.

And the study concluded that gay men with insecure attachment styles may be at risk for poorer relationship outcomes, which, shocker, didn't see that one coming.

So, what can we do about this?

Overcome Anxious or Avoidant Attachment Styles (17:50)

If we have an unhealthy attachment style, are we stuck with this forever, or can we learn to form a healthier attachment?

Well, a 2020 study published in the European Journal of Personality explored this concept.

One thing the study stated, which I think is really important, is that while we can't control the behaviors of others, we may be able to change our attachment-related beliefs and feelings through a variety of cognitive processes.

So, think about it, we can't control the actions of others, but we can control our responses to them.

And it's difficult to grasp at first because you know, especially if you like somebody, you want them to, you know, be displaying the proper behaviors you're hoping for in a date. You don't want to get hurt.

You're afraid, you know, it's scary being vulnerable, so you don't want to be hurt or deceived. But at the end of the day, we can't control that.

If somebody's going to cheat, if somebody's going to lie, they're going to do that, no matter how great we are. So, all we can do is control our response to that.

You know, if somebody cheats on us, if somebody lies to us, we can't change that, but we can choose what we do next.

Are we going to stay with them? Are we going to confront them? Are we going to leave them and then hold this hurt to ourselves and think that's something we did wrong?

Or are we going to leave them and say, you know what, that guy's not shit. He didn't realize what he had, and that was his mistake, and it sucks, but I need to realize that not everybody's like this.

And obviously, with the latter, that's really important because there are shitty men out there.

And sometimes, being on the dating apps exposes us to those really terrible people who are just there to fuck around and don't care who they hurt.

So, we need to have a healthy process of observing this and realize that if something goes wrong, you know, obviously we need to reflect to see if there was something we did on that, but if somebody acts completely out of character and does something terrible to us that's just completely uncalled for, we can't always chalk it up to this.

Oh, I'm unlovable, blah, blah, blah. Like, nah, bitch, he's a fuckboy. Cry about it for a day and move on.

Anyway, the study also found that people who wanted to become less anxious tended to actually decrease in attachment anxiety at a faster rate than their peers who did not wish to change.

And they had a similar finding regarding avoidant attachment styles, too.

So, in looking online for some tips on how to overcome an anxious or avoidant attachment style, there were some obvious generalized tips specific to relationships.

But, one of the better articles I came across was from BetterHelp.

And first off, they suggest finding a therapist or counselor to talk to, which, you know, I think that's always great to have a third party, you know, outside of your situation, to help put things into perspective.

So again, if you, you know, if you have the resources, definitely talk to somebody.

Some other ways to overcome an anxious or avoidant attachment style. Increase your knowledge of attachment styles, and increase your self-love, and start practicing mindfulness.

And that's important because, remember, the studies discussed today talk about how there's a link between shame, internalized homophobia, and attachment styles.

So, it's important to continue the work on ourselves to overcome the shame and trauma we experienced from growing up gay.

I mean, specifically, think about the work we touched upon recently in the overcoming homophobia episode and the steps you can take to be kinder to yourself.

Attachment Style Quiz (20:43)

And I do think it's interesting that the Better Help article states the importance of understanding attachment styles because NPR actually published an article in February of this year, and they said the same thing.

Specifically, they stated that research has shown that even just knowing about the four attachment styles can positively influence your relationships.

And in that article, they also included a quiz that you can take to find out your own attachment style.

And even though I know I'm an anxious fuck, I decided to take it just to see, you know, what my results were going to be.

So, it's a quiz of about 24 questions, and they provide a variety of statements, which you either have to click if you agree or disagree.

So, some of the questions were like, you know, I fear time apart from my partner. That they'll, you know, stop liking me if we're not spending time together.

I fear if my partner, you know, is out of town, they might cheat on me, things like that. And then, once you finish the quiz, you get a breakdown of percentages based off of each attachment style.

And unsurprisingly, I found out that I mostly have an anxious attachment style. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that I scored a bit in the secure attachment style, too.

So, my results were 63% anxious, which again if you listen to this podcast, if you know me personally, no surprise there. There was 25% avoidant.

And they just have it listed as avoidant in general. They don't break it down, whether it's fear or dismissive-based.

But then, surprisingly, I was 38% secure, which I mean, I think if I took this quiz a couple years ago, I'd probably be, like, in the single digits, so I was pleased with that.

And this is the information that they gave me based on my score. A few statements around each of the different styles. And I do think these are generalized.

I don't think that it's specific to your breakdown. I think it's just what they generally have included for anxious, avoidant, all that. But I thought it was interesting, and so I wanted to read through it.

So, under anxious:

“You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like your partner to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy.

You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner's mood and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner's behaviors overly personally. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret."

And I agree with all of this, except for that last sentence, because honestly, I mean, this is something I'm getting better with, but I've always been afraid to communicate my feelings.

If it was something that you know wasn't romantic or happy or whatever, you know.

If somebody did something I didn't like or did something that hurt me, I usually just buried it down and let it go because I was afraid that bringing it up and communicating it might lead to a disagreement, and a disagreement could lead to a breakup.

So that's something I've been working on, where I've been trying to communicate my feelings a little bit more.

Obviously, in a calm way. And I've never, I mean, I've never had, like, any blowouts or, you know, major fights. I don't, I really haven't even had, like, disagreements too much.

o I don't, I don't relate to that last sentence. But other than that, the whole anxious thing, like, describes me to a T.

Moving on to avoidant. What they have here is:

"It's very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency, and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be in a relationship. You feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm's length.

You don't spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners, and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner."

This one, only about 50% of this I relate to. You know, I definitely relate to the part of you know, I want to be in a relationship, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable.

And I tend to keep a partner at an arm's length because I'm afraid of opening up too soon. That's something I've been challenging myself to do more, especially following that interpersonal vulnerability episode.

I'm trying to open up and show my true self, you know because I find once you open the door, it's easier to open up more and more down the road.

And, you know, in relationships, too, I am, you know, kind of sensitive to if there's any type of control in there, not in the sense of, you know, oh, I can't be as independent as I once was, you know.

I'm talking to somebody, I can't, you know, be tits out of the bar or something like that. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about someone who is, like, legit, controlling, and trying to mold you into what they want you to be.

But some of the other things, you know, you don't spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships. Nope, that's like the majority of my time.

Although I've never had anyone complain that I've been emotionally distant. I have had people say that they could tell that it seemed like there was a lot on my mind, and I seemed worried, but never that I was distant.

And lastly, for the secure description. Literally, only about 25% of this describes me:

"Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you—"

That I definitely agree with. I do like to be very affectionate with somebody, like, you know, hugging, cuddling, all those nice things.

I do, like doing, you know, random acts of kindness, whether it's like cooking dinner or flowers or something like that. So that I definitely agree with

"You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships—"

Untrue.

"You take things in stride when it comes to romance, and don't get easily upset over relationship matters—"

Again, not true. This next one I relate with.

"You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner, and are also strong at reading your partner's emotional cues and responding to them."

Again, something I've been working on, and I do think I'm doing better with this now. But then the rest of this does not describe me.

"You share your successes and problems with your partner and are able to be there for your partner in times of need."

And then this is interesting.

"Even though you have a secure attachment style, it is likely you have, or will have relationships with people with other attachment styles."

Which I think that's kind of a given, you know? I think for a lot of us, we don't, you know, we can get to a secure attachment style, but I think it takes a lot of learning and growing through relationships, through bad dating scenarios to get to that point.

But you know, following that, the article concluded with a line that really stood out to me. So, I think it's really important to call this out. They said:

"And though you may not have a choice in which attachment style you have, it's not just up to you to address it. Other people have a role to play, too."

And I think that goes back to the point of, you know, understanding attachment styles. You know, it's important to understand your own.

It's important to understand, you know, to kind of read somebody else's and understand theirs. And have those conversations because I don't think any of us are securely attached from the get-go.

We have to work towards that. So, it's important to understand yourself and understand, you know, your own responses and triggers, as well as being open to somebody else's to kind of form a healthy attachment together.

I think you can take, you know, somebody who has two different attachment styles to some degree, and, you know, over time, through communicating, through getting to learn one another and learn, you know, emotional responses and all that.

I think you can work to blend together to make a really healthy attachment between the two of you, but it takes time and work.

So, that being said, I definitely encourage you to take this quiz to understand your attachment style. And then work on coping with any unhealthy attachments you might have.

But then also, you know, if you're dating somebody, and things seem to be going well and you're getting pretty serious, but you think there might be something to address there attachment-wise, have them take the quiz as well.

Or, you know, have a conversation about attachment styles. I think it's better to be open and honest earlier on, to have conversations, to let them know, you know, what makes you anxious as, as situations come up.

You know, for example, if, you know, somebody made plans with you, and then they are running two hours behind, and you didn't hear from them for two hours before that, you know, bring it up again in a calm way.

Say, you know, I get things happen, but when somebody goes quiet on me and doesn't show up for, you know, two hours past when we make plans, sometimes it makes me anxious.

You know, if something like this happens again, can you give me a heads up, like, oh, you know, my car broke down.

I'm gonna be late now for our date, as opposed to just showing up two hours later and telling me what happened.

Episode Closing (27:55)

So again, take the time to understand your own attachment style. That quiz I was talking about, I do have it included in the show notes, so definitely take that after done listening to this.

And just be mindful of, you know, who you're dating and what their attachment style seems like.

And to bring it back to the tarot, remember, this is the beginning of a journey. Ace of Pentacles, we're at the start of a new cycle. You know, talking about prosperity with wealth.

Specifically, I think we could talk about wealth being, you know, happiness, fulfillment, love. And the card for this episode was reminding us that we're taking the first steps forward on a path towards prosperity.

And it's reflective nature's asking us, you know, think through. What kind of attachment do you have? When have you displayed unhealthy attachments?

Can you identify any time that you displayed unhealthy attachments in a specific situation? Was it situation based, or was it, you know, tied to a person in general that you just really do not mesh with attachment style-wise?

So, reflect on that. Identify where you might have some shortcomings in terms of your attachments and where you might want to do some self-improvement.

And then, through doing that work, just know that, you know, you have the resources you need to be successful on this path forward to achieving that prosperity in terms of relationship fulfillment and love.

And, you know, circling back to that overcoming homophobia episode, really do the work on self-care. You know, we talked about the tips of just being kinder to yourself.

And I mean, above all, you know, that's going to be an overarching theme for a lot of these episodes. Be kind to yourself.

We have a lot of trauma and shame from growing up differently than our straight peers, so we really need to put in the work if we want to bring our best selves forward and form a healthy relationship.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (29:22)

So, thank you again for listening. I hope you found this helpful.

Please remember to rate, review, subscribe. You can also send me an email rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can follow the podcast on Instagram and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. Or you can follow me Rob Loveless on Instagram @rob_loveless, or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (30:14)

So, reflect on this. You know, we can't control whoops.

Reflect on this was supposed to be a note for myself, not something I say out loud. Whoops.