18. Setting the Benchmark for Mr. Right

Snarky Opener (0:00)

So, if you're looking to be in a long-term relationship, but the qualities you're looking for in a guy include snapbacks, tattoos, and a bad attitude, then guess what?

You're gonna die alone because that is the recipe for certifiable fuck boys. And believe me, I know. That was my 2014 to 2018.

Episode Introduction (0:35)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today, I'm a non-jaded gay because I actually did a little volunteer work earlier today.

I volunteered with Gay4Good, which I mentioned the organization back during the Finding Your Community episode.

But we got together today, and we built some little queer libraries, which are similar to little libraries, but we're going to be putting them in gay-friendly spaces and filling them up with LGBTQ+ literature.

It always feels good to get out and volunteer and do something and give back.

And it kind of sets things in perspective too, because, you know, we get caught up in our day-to-day lives, with working, relationships, the gym, housework, all these things.

So, it's nice to step back and put things into perspective and give back.

Setting the Benchmark for Mr. Right (1:16) 

And while we're talking about putting things into perspective, today, we are going to be talking about setting expectations and manifesting the qualities we're looking for in a partner and setting the benchmark for a quality guy.

And I think this is something that we can sometimes lose sight of because when we're on apps, we're surrounded by a sea of shirtless men with minimal information in their profile, and our perceptions of these online strangers are by the brief information we see about them, the few photos they might include, or the limited interactions we have through messaging.

Because of the superficial information presented there, we can lose sight of what we're actually looking for in a partner, and as a result, we might be attracting the wrong types of guys.

So, I think it's really important that we have an idea of what qualities we're looking for in a potential partner before we go out there, whether it is on dating apps or just trying to meet somebody in person somewhere.

We need to know what we're looking for. We need to know what type of qualities we're attracted to and what type of person we're looking for.

And before we get into the logistics of that, let's pull our tarot.

Tarot (2:13) 

Okay, so I'm terrible at shuffling cards. And when I did that shuffle, actually, a card popped out of the deck.

And there is something in tarot that I've heard of a bit called jumpers, and supposedly, it's when you're shuffling sometimes, if it's messy, if a card jumps out, it's the universe sending that specific message to you.

So, we're gonna go with that today and chalk it up to the universe sending us this message and not me fucking up shuffling the deck. So, the card that jumped out at us today is the Page of Swords.

And you can remember the Swords suit is tied to the element of air. It's masculine energy, so it's very action-focused.

And Swords is typically tied to thoughts, ideas, and the way we communicate with one another. And in the Minor Arcana suits, I think we've talked about how we start with the ace, and we end with the king of each suit.

The page is actually the first of the four court cards. So, we have page, knight, queen, and king.

And pages in the Minor Arcana, they're very youthful, so they might be communicating messages from the inner child within us, and they're very energetic and youthful.

So, oftentimes, I feel that when you get a page, it's pretty good news, and it's something to be excited about. And the Page of Swords indicates that there's an enthusiasm and an eagerness for us to learn.

So, generally speaking, the Page of Swords is indicating that we should be paying attention to the messages surrounding us.

So, wherever we're at on our journey, we should continue to move forward but pay attention to the messages around us to see if they might impact our journey.

And as we take in those messages, we need to be sure that we're creating a solid plan to move forward so we have the confidence we need to move forward in our cycles.

And we might see the Page of Swords appear when we're exploring new ways of thinking, when we're opening our minds to new ideas or new perspectives.

Because we have that curiosity and that enthusiasm to learn and grow. And, ultimately, it's signifying that we're open to learning new ways to express ourselves and to communicate.

So, this card can appear to affirm that we have the communication skills we need, and it's reminding us to have the confidence to move forward with communicating and expressing our thoughts, our wants, and our needs.

And you know, as we've been going through the podcast episodes, hopefully, you're getting some takeaways that are helping you on your own journey through navigating the gay world and getting more comfortable with dating.

And so, the pieces that we've taken away from these past episodes, hopefully, we can use to leverage and give us the support we need to move forward as we continue to nurture our emotional well-being as gay men and working to form healthy relationships.

And as we go through today's episode, definitely keep that in mind, so that we can think about what we want and how we can express that and communicate it.

And, you know, I think it's important that we're able to have open communication with a significant other and express our wants and needs in a calm way.

But I also think it's important for us to exude that ourselves, even non-verbally. And what I mean by that is, you know, if we're looking for serious relationships, if we're looking for, you know, certain qualities, we need to look at the avenues we're taking to find dates.

And we need to look at the own attitudes and behaviors we are carrying to see if they align with what we want.

Because sometimes, you know, we have an idea that we want something, but we might be taking actions or putting ourselves in situations that'll take us down a different path away from what we want.

So, while it's important that we're able to express what we want to others that we're dating, we need to find a way to really solidify that within ourselves and actually take actions that complement our wants and needs and supports the avenues we need to take to get those things.

Defining Your Relationship Standards (5:13)

And so that's why it's really important to know what you're looking for out of a relationship and what qualities you're looking for in a man, so you can kind of put that plan into place.

And you know, I listen to a ton of podcasts. One that I listen to every week is Girls Gotta Eat, and they have on guests. A few, this was probably back in the spring, I think, they had on one of their guests.

I think it was Matchmaker Maria. I can't be sure, but the guest they had on said something that really stuck with me.

They said, when it comes to dating, think of the person you've dated who was, you know, a really great partner, somebody that you really liked, you had a lot in common.

You know, was it was a good relationship and pretty healthy. And set that as your benchmark for who you're trying to date going forward.

And it's not meant to be a depressing thing where you think of, oh, this is the person that got away. I'll never find somebody better than them, you know, I'll never find somebody that can take their place.

It's not meant to be that at all. It's meant to say, look, this is a person that I really enjoyed the time with, and we had a great relationship while it lasted.

For one reason or another, it didn't work out. But this is what I'm looking for in a relationship. These are the behaviors I'm looking for, the dynamic I'm looking for, and I'm not going to settle for anything short of that.

So, this is the benchmark I am setting. And obviously, you can't compare, you know, you can't compare people you date to each other, but you want to find somebody who's giving you that similar type of dynamic or having those qualities you need to nurture a healthy relationship.

And you know, I think there's even some room for improvement upon that, too.

Because, you know, while we might be setting the benchmark for somebody we've dated before, and we want that, you know, similar dynamic to that person, and they had a lot of good qualities that we appreciated, there might be some qualities that we really didn't like, and ideally, we need somebody who might possess those qualities that they lack in certain areas.

You know, and when I'm talking about qualities, I'm not talking about, you know, how tall are you? What's your sexual position? Any of that stuff.

I'm talking about, like, personal qualities. You know, are you charismatic? Are you somebody who's a homebody? Are you socially aware? Things like that.

You know, whatever those qualities are that we're looking for in a partner, we really need to be aware of that.

And so, part of the reason why I wanted to do this episode was, I think that's a really great concept of setting that benchmark for somebody you've dated in the past and having that be your benchmark for who you date going forward.

But I think even more importantly, we need to be cognizant of the qualities we're attracted to. Because a lot of times, I think we might just think, oh, I like spending time with this person, but we're not really thinking through why.

Why do we like spending time with them? Is it because they're kind, they're spontaneous, they're ambitious?

So, I really wanted to kind of set today's episode to think about those qualities and take some time to actually meditate and reflect on the qualities that we're attracted to.

So that way, we can put that into practice when we're setting that benchmark for Mr. Right.

Identifying Key Qualities in a Partner (7:40)

So, take a minute. Grab a notebook and a pen because we're about to do some exercises. So first, I want you to think about who that person might be.

Think about that person that you had a healthy relationship with. For one reason or another, it didn't work out.

But that's kind of the dynamic that you want to have going forward in a relationship with a future partner, and you want them to have those qualities as well.

So, think of who that person is and who that could be that you set that benchmark for. And if you don't have that person, if you had, you know, really just terrible exes that, you know, gave lots of red flags that were no good.

Or if you haven't had a really serious relationship yet, then think of a scenario where you have, you know, that dream boyfriend, and think of the qualities that he has and how he treats you.

What are those? How do you want to be treated? What does that look like to you? And use that to set your benchmark. And again, right now, don't focus on physical aspects.

Think of actual qualities. And once you've gotten that person in mind, write down the qualities you like about them. And again, this is not meant to be a trip down memory lane to make you miss them.

And if you need a voice of reason to tell you this now, then listen up. Do not text your ex after this episode. Let them go. Ex stands for x 'em out of your life.

Forget about them, but just think about the qualities that you liked about that for setting a benchmark for a future relationship.

And again, also, maybe write down some qualities that they didn't have but that you need in a partner. And last year, I actually did this exercise for myself because I felt like I was just dating whoever.

I was on a couple different apps. And you know, really, I wasn't being quote-unquote strategic with my dating.

It was kind of just, you know, if matched with somebody, if their profile seemed okay, or if I thought they were attractive. And, you know, if we talked great, we'd see how the conversation would go.

But a lot of times, it really came down to whoever asked me out first was who I was going to go out with.

And I wasn't really looking to see, is this somebody that seems to have a lot in common with me, or seems to be carrying themselves a certain way, or, you know, somebody that I'm really even interested in going out with?

Or is it just because it's the first person who asked me out and hadn't been on a date in however many months?

And at that time, I hadn't really had any dating experiences that warranted setting my benchmark for. Because I had some really bad ones.

And then I had some other ones that weren't terrible but just really were nothing. So, I didn't really have an actual benchmark to set.

So, I came up with some qualities that I knew I would want in a partner. And the ones I wrote down were things like emotional intelligence, affectionate, loyal and trustworthy, family-oriented, ambitious, monogamy-focused, funny, socially aware, emotionally and physically healthy, and having a healthy relationship with alcohol/not a partier.

So, hopefully, you've had some time to think through, you know, what that benchmark is for you and listing out those qualities.

Discerning Dating Requirements from Negotiables (10:11)

So, take a look at your list and are the qualities you listed, are they requirements, or can you be flexible on some of them without settling?

And let me give you an example of what I mean there. Obviously, like I said in my example, I had ambitious, but that's a pretty broad term.

So, I don't need somebody who's working their way toward being a CEO or something like that.

But, like, it would be good if they have a job because I barely have enough money to support myself, so I can't support somebody else. Like, we need a little bit of a partnership here.

But so again, you know, ambitious, I want somebody who has some goals, and they're working towards something.

But with ambitious being so broad, it's not that I need somebody who is looking to climb up the corporate ladder and be at the top of their game for everything.

You know, and also, like, if they're not funny, well, that's okay. It'll help me stand out more in the relationship. So those are all things I can be, like, somewhat flexible with.

But then there are some qualities that are non-negotiables for me. You know, for example, I won't tolerate a partner who drinks too much too frequently. I've touched upon it in past episodes.

Had some dating situations with people who had unhealthy relationships with alcohol. Really was well out of my comfort level, and I don't want to fall down that rabbit hole again, so I'm just not going to even pursue that.

And you know, I also know I want a monogamous relationship, and I want to have a family of my own someday. So that's something that I really can't be flexible with.

Because unfortunately, you know, when it comes to monogamy versus non-monogamy, or having kids or not having kids, really there's not a way to compromise where it works out for both people.

Because at the end of the day, someone's losing. You know, you can't have half a kid. You either have kids or you don't have kids.

So, it's really just, you know, not to be judgmental of that, but I know those are things I want, and I don't just want to have, you know, little flings here or there.

I'm looking for a serious relationship, so that's something that's a non-negotiable quality for me. So okay, look at that list of qualities you wrote down and, now, I want you to split them up into two columns.

One is going to be titled requirements, and the other is going to be titled negotiables. And I want you to divvy those qualities up and put them underneath the column that fits best for you.

So, for all the ones that are non-negotiables for you. So again, things like maybe monogamy or, you know, not a heavy drinker, things like that, put those down under your requirements.

Anything that you could be slightly flexible on without settling so, you know, maybe they're not the funniest person in the world, but they're somebody you can talk to and get along with, put those under negotiables.

And keep in mind there's no wrong answers because, ultimately, you need to understand what works for you.

And you know, of course, just, we need to be realistic and understand that any relationship requires compromise.

There is not going to be necessarily a perfect match who has every quality you need down to a T. So that's why we have those negotiables in there.

And some examples of what a compromise could look like for a quality that falls under negotiables.

You know, let's say you're an extrovert, but somebody who's introverted, that could be a negotiable for you, but you'll have to balance what your dates look like.

So, you might have some dates where you go out, and then you have to spend some dates where it's a quieter night in.

Because ultimately, with that kind of dynamic, it's not going to work if you're the type of person that wants to be out every single night, and that's your idea of a date night, and you're dating somebody introverted.

So again, not that you can't negotiate with that, but you have to definitely, that's going to be a little bit more of a give and take, like balance it out. Like one date night out, one date night in with movies and takeout, or something like that.

So now that you have this list of desired qualities divided into requirements and negotiables, consider this your golden source of truth.

So, whenever you're looking to date somebody, actively look for these qualities in them.

When you're scrolling through profiles, obviously, you know, there's limited information in there, and we, let's be real, we're men.

Sometimes, we think with the wrong head, and we're focusing more on their pictures than the quality of their bios.

But when you're going through these online profiles, see if there's anything there that checks the boxes for qualities that you're looking for.

Balancing Physical Attraction with Key Qualities (13:42)

Now, while these qualities should be our primary focus, obviously, let's be real, physical attraction is important too.

And I'll be honest, in the past, I've dated guys who had some or a lot of the qualities I was looking for, but I didn't feel a genuine sense of connection.

And so, dating them, it just kind of felt safe to date them, but it wasn't really, there wasn't really chemistry there. It wasn't feeling like a relationship.

It wasn't something that I was that excited for because I was kind of settling in the sense of, I'm feeling safe here, which is good. You do want to feel safe in a relationship.

But you need to feel safe with somebody who you're both physically and emotionally attracted to.

So, we need to be sure that we're striking a balance between the qualities we're looking for in a partner with the physical attributes we're attracted to.

So, underneath your qualities list, we're going to do another list of physical characteristics we're attracted to.

And I'm just going to preface this right now: this is not meant to be one of those awful dating app bios you see that say, no fats, no fems, no insert race here, because that's awful.

If you have that in your profile, you should be ashamed and delete it right the fuck now.

But for the physical characteristics list, think of certain things you tend to be drawn to. And again, with this physical characteristics list, this isn't going to be like, here's everything we're attracted to.

We're going to be primarily searching for people with this, and then if they happen to have any of those qualities that I listed earlier, then that's just an added bonus.

No, this list is not meant to be your primary, you know, cheat sheet of what you're looking for in a guy. Instead, just right now, think of things that you tend to be drawn to physically in somebody.

So, for example, do you like when guys are taller than you? Or do you like facial hair? Or do you have a thing for tattoos or piercings?

And again, I'm saying this because when we're on dating apps, we're surfing a sea of shirtless gay men, so it's easy to get distracted. So, it's important to be cognizant of the physical attributes you're attracted to.

But again, this should not be the primary factors for someone you date. You need to find someone who has a blend of your desired list of qualities and physical attributes.

But again, be realistic because there is no such thing as the perfect man. And odds are, you may not find someone who checks all the boxes, and that's okay.

You know, if they don't possess all of the qualities you're looking for, personally, I don't think it's considered settling by dating them.

I mean, because when it comes to dating, here's the three questions that I think really are the most important to ask yourselves:

• Do they treat you well?
• Are they looking for similar things out of a relationship?
• And are you attracted to them?

Those, I think, are like the three main pillars of any relationship, and you should be asking yourself those questions, not just when you start dating somebody, but throughout the relationship to check in to see, you know, if the answer is yes to those.

Because some of the qualities they might be quote unquote lacking might be those negotiables for you. So, it's not really a deal breaker.

And you know, I think it's important to assess if somebody's lacking a quality you're looking for, is it negatively impacting your relationship, or is it maybe just a bit of an annoyance that pops up every now and then.

I mean, quick example, say you're looking for somebody who's very punctual and on time. And you're dating somebody who shows up late occasionally.

Is that something that's really detracting from your relationship? Or is it kind of just an annoyance that, every once in a while, they're 10 minutes late?

You know, it's kind of annoying that you're waiting for them, but oh well, it is what it is. Or is it something where this is a frequent problem, and it's not just that they're a few minutes late?

They're 30, 45 minutes late, and you can't depend on them at all because you have no idea where they are, and you just can't depend on them.

Staying True to Your Standards (16:50)

So now that we have these lists, you know the qualities that you've sorted into your required and negotiable columns and then the list of physical attributes you tend to be attracted to, definitely keep these in mind when you're scrolling through the apps or meeting someone for a first date.

Now, obviously, you won't know if they check those boxes from early interactions, especially online.

I feel it's really hard to read somebody just through messaging them online, which is why I'm inclined to meet somebody for coffee or drinks earlier on instead of, you know, carrying on like a three-week messaging conversation and feel like I'm getting feelings for them only to meet them and realize that there's no chemistry there.

And ultimately, like, I said, it takes time to really get to know someone, so you've got to give it some time and see if you can pick up on any of those, you know, qualities you're looking for showing up in your early interactions.

It may take some time because, you know, again, my counselor said you may not really know somebody until six months in. So definitely, just kind of keep that top of mind.

However, the one thing I think you can really pick up through early conversations and interactions is if they're displaying characteristics that contradict your desired list of qualities.

Because, obviously, that's a red flag. You know, for example, if I met a guy for drinks on a first date and he ended up getting wasted, odds are I probably won't go out with him again.

And that might sound like I'm being picky, but because of some past situations, I'm really not comfortable being in those types of situations.

And I have a philosophy that you should be bringing your best self forward on a first date, and seeing that kind of behavior doesn't equal your best self to me.

So again, obviously, we all have times where we drink too much, get wasted. And you know, if you're dating somebody long term, odds are you'll probably see those moments from time to time.

They might even see you being wasted from time to time. But if the first time I'm ever meeting you, you're displaying that kind of behavior, I'm done. I'm not going to deal with it.

Because, I mean, I'm going to read that as this is who you are.

If you're comfortable getting wasted in front of me on a first date, then this is probably the norm for you, and that's something that you know, no judgment, but I don't want any part of it because I am not going to repeat those situations from the past I've been in.

I'm just not comfortable with it, and I'm not going to waste my energy.

And again, that's just an example, but make sure you keep your list handy and look over them from time to time to keep yourself aligned with what you're looking for from a potential partner.

And you know what? Maybe if you have a first date, read over that list before you go on it, just to remind yourself of what you want. And then also, after the date, look it over as well.

And then, you can take that time to see if your date displayed any behaviors that contradicted the list of qualities that you're looking for out of a guy.

And especially if they were qualities under your required column, you might want to take a moment to reflect before you go on a second date with them. And I know having this list might seem weird.

It might feel like we're asking for too much. I mean, after all, we have a smaller dating pool, so sometimes I think we accept what comes our way and hope for the best instead of seeing if this person actually is somebody that I can build a foundation with.

But if we really want to establish a true and healthy connection with someone, we need to make sure we're attracting the right kinds of people and investing our energy in people who are good for us.

Because, believe me, it's better to take a little extra time to find a healthy relationship than go on countless dates or have a number of flings with people who contradict what we're looking for because that's just a guarantee things won't work out, and we'll just end up being jaded and having even more emotional baggage than we already do.

And it also keeps us from finding a healthy partner.

Ensuring You're Emotionally Ready to Date (19:54)

And also, while we're talking about all this, it's really important to make sure you're in a good place emotionally before you start putting yourself out there to date.

Actually, the New York Times published an article back in February called Can Single People Manifest a New Partner?

In it, they interviewed Gabby Bernstein, author of Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace.

And in it, Gabby states that we have to believe we're worthy and manifesting what we want.

She believes that manifesting love is as much about working on your inner love for yourself as it is about finding another person. So, remember to work on yourself during this time, too.

Think back to the episode on overcoming internalized homophobia and when we talked about ways to practice self-compassion. Have you been implementing those in your life?

And do you feel that you're, you know, in a healthy place right now to date? If not, take a pause. I mean, definitely keep that list of qualities handy, but take a pause before you actually put yourself out there.

Because no matter how cognizant you are of what you're looking for, if you're not in a good headspace to date, then you're just going to be self-sabotaging, and it's going to make it that much more difficult to find those types of guys with those qualities you're looking for in a partner.

So, really, take the time.

Episode Closing (20:59)

Be kind to yourself, make sure you're practicing those techniques to be compassionate to yourself, and believe that you're worthy to manifest the type of guy you want because you are.

And in believing that we're worthy, I think that also ties nicely back to the tarot, where, by believing in ourselves, it can bring about this enthusiasm, where, you know, we're excited about the path forward.

You know the Swords suit is about action. The Page of Swords is reminding us that now is a good time to take action.

It's a good time to keep moving forward on our journey, our self-healing journey, our journey to find love.

But we need to be mindful of the messages that the universe is sending us because, again, Swords is tied to communication.

So, what messages are coming our way through the interactions we've had on past dates? Through the, you know, conversations we might have with ourselves, analyzing dates that went wrong?

What are we learning? What are these messages telling us? And what lessons can we take away from them to help us move forward on this path?

And above all else, I think we need to remember, we have the tools we need to find what we're looking for. We have the tools we need to heal ourselves. We have the tools we need to find love.

We just need to embrace the confidence that comes with that. And I know that, as gay men, that could be very hard, especially if you're single and feeling lonely, but we need to believe in ourselves.

We need to believe we're worthy, and we need to have the confidence that one we are okay alone. We're not going to die because we're alone, but ultimately, we are looking for a partner.

And you know, we need to have the confidence. And confidence, you know, that energy really just exudes from a person.

You know, I've been on dates with people who just exude confidence, and they're not concerned about their appearance or their job or anything like that, and they're just somebody that's so easy to talk to, and we could talk about anything and have a great time.

And then there's people who might be dressed to the nines and have to look perfect and have to have the perfect job, but then they're super quiet, or having a conversation with them is really hard because they don't seem to be exuding that confidence.

They're almost a little bit too focused on the situation at hand, that it's it's not really fun. It's almost like a chore, like a task list they have to do. Like, let me ask questions A, B, C because this is what you do on a date.

So, I think you need to remember, regardless of your body or whatever, confidence is really what draws people in. That's what people are attracted to.

And while it might be hard to feel confident, even if we're faking our confidence, I think we can start believing it and giving ourselves the kindness we need to accept for ourselves.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (23:11)

So, thank you once again for listening. I hope you found making this list helpful and that you might be using them when you go on dates in the future.

You know, you might be reading through them before you go on a date or reading through them afterwards to see how your date aligns with what you're looking for out of a person.

And hopefully, it's a good match. And you know, if you have any success with this, I'd love to hear your success stories. Please email them to me at rob@ajadedgay.com.

Please remember to also rate, review, and subscribe to the show wherever you listen to it at. You can also follow the podcast on Instagram and Twitter @ajadedgaypod.

And you could follow me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless, or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (24:19)

It always makes you feel good when you give back and do a little something for someone else.

Oh, kinky.