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Many of us grew up knowing we were different than our peers, feeling like being “other” and fearing rejection at an early age. Therefore, it’s no surprise that gay men experience increased rates of anxiety compared to their straight peers.
In this episode, we’re taking a look at anxiety disorders, unique factors that negatively impact gay men’s mental health, and strategies we can implement to better manage our stress.
Additional Resources:
Snarky Opener (0:00)
You know, I sometimes wonder if I talk so fast because I grew up watching Gilmore Girls or because I'm anxious as fuck.
Episode Introduction (0:24)
Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because as of recording this yesterday on Apple Podcast's Sexuality charts, A Jaded Gay podcast was ranked number 17 in, wait for it, Switzerland.
So, shout out to Switzerland. Thank you to all my Swiss listeners. I appreciate that. And to all my US listeners, do better because why aren't we charting in the US? I feel like Kylie Minogue right now.
Anyway, one thing that is charting is my anxiety levels. They are through the roof, which is why I wanted to do this episode on the high rates of anxiety in gay men.
Gay & Anxious (1:00)
Now, obviously, anxiety is something that affects everyone, gay or straight. And it's normal to be anxious at times. You know, you're giving a big presentation at work, or you're going to have a difficult conversation with someone. Like, yeah, you're going to be anxious leading up to it, and that's a normal response.
But there's a difference between that and an actual anxiety disorder. And that's essentially when your natural state is anxious. Not just in response to a specific situation, but that's just, like, how you run.
Like, for me, for example, I do have diagnosed anxiety. Specifically, I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. And so, when an anxious thought comes into my mind, I tend to just overthink it and then enter an anxious state.
And when it gets bad, it actually affects me physically. Like, sometimes my chest is tight, and my heart's racing. And sometimes it gets so bad, there's times that, like, I'll wake up in the middle of the night like that.
Like, you know, you watch a horror movie and somebody jumps out and you get all scared, and your heart's racing and like you feel jumpy. I've just woken up like that in the middle of the night. Or sometimes I just wake up like that first thing in the morning. Can't fall back to sleep and just go about my day.
You know, like yesterday, for example, I actually woke up at 2:55 in the morning and could not fall back to sleep. So, I just got up and started working out because what else was I going to do? And also, sometimes when I'm, like, super anxious, not right now, luckily, but in the past, I lose my appetite. And actually, on a handful of occasions, it's been so bad that I've actually vomited because of my anxiety.
So, when I say I'm anxious, I'm not just trying to be cute, like, oh, yeah, I get a little nervous or stressed sometimes. Like, nah, this is something that affects me 24/7 if I don't keep myself in check. And we all have different factors that play into our anxiety.
But for gay men, it's not uncommon to have anxiety issues. So, we're going to explore that today and talk about what we can do to mitigate our anxiety.
But before we do, let's pull the tarot.
Tarot (2:43)
Okay, so we pulled the King of Pentacles in reverse. And in the Minor Arcana, kings come at the end of their suit. So, it can be representative of the end of a cycle, the beginning of a new cycle. You know, kings typically are very masculine energy, so they're very grounding. Kind of a little disciplinarian, too, in my opinion.
And Pentacles is based in the element of earth. That's another grounding energy. So, it's interesting because Pentacles, earth energy, tends to be more feminine in energy, so more meditative, while the king himself tends to be more masculine in energy, which is more action-oriented. So, I think we're getting a good balance of both action and meditation in the reversal of this card.
And while the suit of Pentacles is typically tied to putting in the hard work and reaping the rewards and the fruits of our labors, the King of Pentacles in reverse is actually asking us to look at our relationship with money and wealth. Now, obviously, you know, this card is typically tied to, like, financial prosperity and such. So, it's asking us to take a look at our emotional wealth.
And we need to ask ourselves, are we putting anything before own needs that is negatively impacting our emotions and relationships and overall well-being? And this can be broad, and it could be reflective of us or somebody in our lives. Are we a workaholic, or is somebody we know a workaholic and not putting in the time and energy it takes to cultivate a healthy relationship? Are we neglecting others?
Or are we being neglected by somebody who we care for a lot? And are we focusing more so on social status than the actual person? You know, is there somebody in our life who maybe treats us terribly but has a nice social status? And so, we're putting our feelings aside to be associated with that social status.
And whatever the cause may be, what actions can we take to improve the situation? So, one, we need to meditate, we need to reflect, and we need to ask ourselves these questions. But then the King's energy is asking us to take action.
So, what can we do to change the outcome? Do we have to have a conversation with somebody? Do we need to change avenues or change paths forward on what we're planning on doing to achieve our goals? And when it comes to taking action, this card can also indicate maybe there's a certain energy that's stubborn or rigid, whether it's ourselves or somebody else, that's not letting us progress forward despite conversations and compromise.
So, we really need to take the time to check in with our emotional wealth. What are we doing to take care of ourselves? Where might we be deficient in terms of emotional well-being? What do we need to do to make ourselves happier? And what roadblocks are we experiencing that are keeping us from achieving emotional wealth?
Once we've identified that, we need to take action. And how appropriate to reflect because with anxiety for me comes a lot of overthinking. So, let's get into the topic.
How Common is Anxiety? (5:00)
For starters, how common is anxiety as a whole? You know, it seems like everybody says, Oh, they're anxious about this or that. But how common is it actually?
And when is there the difference between just feeling stressed or concerned about a certain situation versus kind of feeling that like feeling? That constant source of anxiety where you can't get any relief from it.
Well, to answer the first question, it's actually quite common. According to the National Alliance on Mental Health, anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in the United States, with more than 40 million US adults having an anxiety disorder.
And to put it in perspective, that's roughly 19% of the US population. So basically, one-fifth of US adults have an anxiety disorder. And once again, I'd like to call out that anxiety disorder is different from being anxious over a specific situation.
Anxiety Disorders (5:45)
So, an anxiety disorder is when feelings of intense fear and distress become overwhelming and can interfere with our daily function. And for those who have an anxiety disorder, most developed symptoms before the age of 21. And these symptoms can be both emotional and physical.
So, for the emotional symptoms:
Physical symptoms include:
Wow, I fit all the boxes.
Now, people may experience one or more of these symptoms, but the common denominator is having persistent and excessive fear or worry in situations that are not threatening.
Common Anxiety Disorders (6:33)
And anxiety disorders can manifest in different ways, and these are four common types of disorders. So, I'm going to read these definitions straight from the National Alliance on Mental Health's website.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Produces chronic exaggerated worrying about everyday life. This worrying can consume hours each day, making it hard to concentrate or finish daily tasks. A person with generalized anxiety disorder may become exhausted by worry and experience headaches, tension, or nausea.
Social Anxiety Disorder
More than shyness, this disorder causes intense fear about social interactions. Often driven by irrational worries about humiliation, like saying something stupid or not knowing what to say. Someone with social anxiety disorder may not take part in conversations, contribute to class discussions, or offer their ideas and may become isolated. Panic attacks are a common reaction to anticipated or forced social interaction.
Panic Disorder
This disorder is characterized by panic attacks and sudden feelings of terror, sometimes striking repeatedly and without warning. Often mistaken for a heart attack, a panic attack causes powerful physical symptoms, including chest pain, heart palpitations, dizziness, shortness of breath, and upset stomach. Many people go to desperate measures to avoid an attack, including social isolation.
And Lastly are Phobias
For someone with a phobia, certain places, events, or objects create powerful reactions of strong, irrational fear. Most people with specific phobias have several things that can trigger those reactions. To avoid panic, they will work hard to avoid their triggers. Depending on the type and number of triggers, attempts to control fear can take over a person's life.
What Causes Anxiety Disorders? (8:06)
So, what exactly causes some people to develop anxiety disorders? Well, scientists believe that certain factors combined can cause this. And two big factors are genetics and environment.
So, if anxiety disorders run in your family, there's a chance you may develop one. And from an environmental standpoint, stressful and traumatic events are often linked to the development of an anxiety disorder. Furthermore, a 2018 Psychology Today article titled Is There an Anxiety Epidemic? cites that traditional causes of anxiety include poor health, difficult relationships, unemployment, poverty, loneliness, worry, stress, and exposure to trauma and violence.
Now, while these are traditional sources of anxiety, the article asserts that some of these factors are on the rise that are contributing to increased levels of anxiety in society. For example, with technological advances, we are constantly connected to work. And as a result, we work longer hours.
People are feeling a general lack of control over their own destinies due to hardships such as finances. Think about all those student loans and the economic disasters we've encountered in our lifetimes. 9/11, the 2008 Recession, and the ongoing COVID pandemic.
The article also states that modern technology has provided completely new sources of anxiety. In addition to work, we're also connected to others 24/7 through texting and social media. And being constantly connected also creates the need to multitask across a range of different activities.
I mean, have you ever put on a movie and then scrolled through your phone the whole time? And did you notice that you probably felt bored or, even worse, stressed? It's because you're spreading your attention too thin between two separate mediums without really focusing on either one.
Also, social media is associated with social anxiety and loneliness, which creates feelings of disconnectedness. Yes, we know the lives people put on social media aren't real. But no matter how many times we tell ourselves that, it still doesn't make us feel better. Seeing people with their friends or families having fun while we're sitting bored home alone only makes us feel worse. And focusing on the number of followers and likes that we have can cause us to believe those metrics are gauges for our own social success, as opposed to having genuine relationships and spending quality time with friends and families.
And there's a couple interesting quotes from this article I want to read. So, the article says:
"To supplement this rash of new modern anxieties is a gradual shift in the social ethos surrounding anxiety. This change has been almost contradictory in the messages it sends to us. We're told anxiety is a legitimate response to the stresses of modern living. And anxiety is almost considered a status symbol that signals how busy and successful we are."
And in closing, the article suggests that yes, we do have a modern anxiety epidemic, but so have past generations. Here's a quote:
"The difference is that in our modern era, we have a whole set of new and evolving anxieties and a growing awareness of anxiety as a potentially distressing and disabling state. We'll need to rise to the contemporary challenges that this presents in terms of understanding the causes of anxiety and the suffering it conveys. Dealing with the economic cost to society that anxiety imposes, developing new and more effective evidence-based intervention and prevention programs, and providing more realistic levels of funding for mental health services and research."
So great, there's a little overview on anxiety, and hopefully, it hasn't gotten you too stressed out yet.
Causes of Anxiety in Gay Men (11:08)
Now, when I was going through the list of traditional causes of anxiety, a few of them really jumped out to me that I think may resonate with gay men.
Number one, difficult relationships.
This includes our relationships with family and friends who may not fully accept us, along with romantic relationships we've had that may not have been the healthiest dynamics.
Number two, poverty.
Back in the COVID-19 episode, we touched upon the socio-economic hardships the LGBTQ+ community faces compared to their straight peers.
Number three, loneliness.
We've talked about loneliness since episode one, so this shouldn't be surprising.
Number four, exposure to trauma and violence.
Again, I see this tying to difficult relationships. Maybe we came from abusive households who tried to beat the gay out of us. Or maybe we've been in abusive romantic relationships. Or maybe we've even been the target of violence by bigots.
And number five, to some extent, poor health.
A lot of us were raised hearing stereotypical statements about gay men and HIV and AIDS. And for those who are living with HIV and AIDS, they may suffer from the stigma associated with it.
So, all that being said, I'm going to ask the question: are gay men more anxious than straight people?
Are LGBTQ+ People More Anxious? (12:10)
We talked about how approximately 19% of US adults have an anxiety disorder. Well, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, somewhere between 30 and 60% of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, or transgender people deal with anxiety and depression at some point in their lives.
And obviously, that is a wide range, and they're talking about anxiety and depression among the entire LGBTQ population, as opposed to purely just having an anxiety disorder within gay men.
But it's also important to note that that rate is 1.5 to 2.5 times higher than that of straight or gender-conforming counterparts. And the article provides a really interesting write-up regarding why that may be. Here's another quote:
"If you're LGBTQ+, I'd wager a bet that you're good at reading a situation to determine how much you can safely be yourself. This skill, while adaptive, comes at a cost because it was developed in response to being subjected to high levels of persistent prejudice and discrimination. For example, just ask any teenager who's attracted to people of the same sex or think back to your own experiences. And you'll hear or remember vivid examples of the fear, shame, and ridicule that led to learning how to read a situation. Being highly attuned to context as a lesbian, gay man, bisexual, or transgender person shapes your inner world, too. It affects how you think and feel about yourself. In response to the outside world full of negative messages about what it means to be attracted to people of the same sex or not cisgender, many people come to view themselves as deeply flawed, unlovable, unworthy, and hopeless."
And this contextual process of dealing with persistent prejudice and discrimination is what we call minority stress.
Sources that Affect Gay Men’s Mental Health (13:43)
Furthermore, in 2016, Talkspace listed several areas that affect gay men's mental health.
Number one, we have internalized homophobia.
Which we just talked about in June. Som if you haven't had a chance yet, go back and listen to that episode. But for those of you unfamiliar, internalized homophobia is when we take the negative stereotypes and rhetoric surrounding homosexuality and turn those statements inward and begin to believe them. And unsurprisingly, this exacerbates general stress, especially during the coming out process.
Source number two, body image and femininity issues.
We've all heard the saying no fats, no fems. And here's your reminder, if you have that in your dating app profile, delete it and take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror because that shit isn't okay. It's just not. Okay? Anyway, the pressure for gay men to have the perfect body and to be masculine can have many negative repercussions, such as an increased risk of developing an eating disorder. Been there, done that. And difficulty being emotional or affectionate. And body image and femininity issues are somewhat tied together because some men may want to have a more muscular body to reinforce a more stereotypical masculine image.
Moving on to source number three conflicting pressures to be masculine or feminine.
This one is really interesting to me, and I've been wanting to do an episode on masculinity and femininity because, right or wrong, it does play a large part in our lives. Now, gay men critique their community on both sides, whether someone is too feminine or too masculine. And this article has a really interesting quote about this:
"Imagine the pressure and stress heterosexual men feel from society and their peers, expecting them to be masculine and devoid of effeminate qualities or mannerisms. Now multiply that pressure several times. Then imagine simultaneously feeling pressure to do the opposite.”
Specifically, they list six sources that gay men are often caught between, including:
Moving on to number four, overworking to prove themselves to heterosexuals and the world.
So, some good news. Gay men tend to be more successful and have higher incomes than heterosexuals. So, take that, breeders. But in all seriousness, the reason for this success tends to be unhealthy because some view being gay as a deficiency. And so, they try to overcompensate by being as successful as possible. And we talked about this a bit in our perfectionism episode, along with the body image piece.
Anyway, the next one is coming out, which is a continual journey.
Remember, we don't just come out once. We are coming out through our entire lives to friends, families, and co-workers. And interestingly enough, Wesley C. Davidson, the author of “When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need to Know,” states that gay men go through five stages of grief before they come out because they perceive being gay as the loss of a normal heterosexual life.
Even more concerning is that the response gay men receive upon coming out for the first time is a major predictor of mental health issues they will deal with in the future. For example, if they're rejected when they come out, then their risk of depression and anxiety usually increases. And this isn't a one-time thing. This issue will usually resurface when gay men come out in subsequent times throughout their lives.
Source number six is social isolation and anxiety.
Gay men can suffer from social anxiety because they fear the possibility of being judged, bullied, or rejected by others, both within and outside of the gay community. They may even feel like there's pressure to compete with other gay men for dates. Given the history of discrimination against gay men, some may isolate themselves since it's easier and safer to limit interactions with others.
The next source on this list is the D word.
And not the fun D word. We're talking about discrimination. Politicians and church leaders who are promoting and supporting anti-gay legislation reinforce the belief that gay men are not equal to heterosexuals. And because of internalized homophobia, many of us may already believe that. So, discrimination only exacerbates mental health struggles in gay men. And here's a few other factors that can negatively impact gay men's mental health: the anxiety of terror attacks, shootings, and hate crimes targeted at gays, bullying from peers and family members, not being accepted or understood by family members, dating difficulties, the club scene and the risk of dangerous drugs and anxiety around sexual health and HIV.
Less Expectations for Gay Men Causes More Anxiety (17:50)
Also, I found this source of anxiety interesting. It's the fact that there is less expectation for gay men to raise a family and structure their lives as heterosexuals do. That can also negatively impact gay men's mental health.
You know, there is a clear structure for heterosexuals to live. You know, get a job, get married, have kids, retire, and then have your spouse, kids, or grandkids take care of you when you get old.
And obviously, this is antiquated, and it's not fair to expect anyone, gay or straight, to adhere to that. Everybody can run their own lives how they want to. But for gay men, there really isn't a standard path or set of milestones we're expected to follow in the same way straight people do. And there's even debate within the gay community whether gay men should try to live heteronormative lives.
Manage Your Gay Anxiety (18:28)
So yeah, as you can see, we have a lot to work with when it comes to things that make us anxious. And this is an additional layer that is unique to gay men that we get to deal with on top of the traditional factors that cause the general population to experience anxiety disorders.
But just because we have this unique challenge doesn't mean that we should let an anxiety disorder dictate our lives. So, what can we do about this? How can we better manage our anxiety so we can work toward living a fulfilling life?
Well, the number one thing I'd recommend is finding an LGBTQ+-affirming therapist. Now, full disclosure, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a healthcare professional or mental healthcare provider or anything like that. I write fancy emails for a living, so disclaimer's out there. You can't come to me for actual medical advice. This isn't medical advice.
But across all these articles I found about managing anxiety, their number one recommendation was to work on your mental health with an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist. So, talk to your doctor, an actual medical provider, not me, and assess if this kind of therapy is something you need. But an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist is sensitive to the needs of gay men, which can be especially useful if you're coming to terms with your sexual orientation or experiencing depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems.
And one of the most researched psychotherapy types for treating anxiety disorders is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. And basically, CBT helps you identify counterproductive thinking patterns that contribute to anxiety and develop healthy coping strategies that reduce the beliefs and behaviors that lead to anxiety.
Now, obviously, if you're seeing a therapist, anti-anxiety medication could be an option, but a good therapist won't force medication on you because, at the end of the day, medication isn't meant to be a quick fix. It's designed to help manage your anxiety in conjunction with building healthy coping strategies. And this is coming from someone who's taken SSRIs and anti-anxiety medications in the past. Yes, they have definitely helped me, but I'm not relying on them as the end all be all to fix all my problems. I take it when I need to in partnership with the healthy coping strategies I'm trying to implement in my own life when I get stressed out.
And there's also a few complementary health approaches you can take to help manage your anxiety. You can practice self-management strategies, such as allowing specific periods of time for worrying instead of worrying 24/7.
You can also incorporate stress and relaxation techniques into your daily schedule, like breathing exercises and focusing your attention. And this is something I try to do. You know, when my heart is racing, I force myself to breathe in through my nose and hold in the oxygen for a few seconds before exhaling slowly through my mouth.
I've also heard of a technique where, when you're feeling stressed, you ground yourself in the moment by focusing on your immediate environment, you know, what you see, smell, hear, and feel in that moment. So, you know, when I'm at home and start stressing out over something, I'll take a look around the room and take in what's around me to bring me back to where I am and get me out of my mind.
So, I might say, okay, I see my fireplace and my plants, I can hear a car driving by outside, and I can smell the candle I'm burning. I try to focus on my senses right there in the moment, as opposed to worrying about what might happen five days, five weeks, five years from now.
And also related to breathing, yoga, and exercise in general are both really helpful when it comes to managing anxiety.
There's also a few simple changes you can make in your life to help ease anxiety as well.
Number one, don't skip meals, and monitor how much sugar is in your diet.
Skipping meals or eating foods high in sugar can lead to blood sugar drops that make you irritable and anxious.
Rule number two, avoid stimulants, including caffeine and nicotine.
Sorry, gays, ditch the iced coffee. Not necessarily, but excessive caffeine is a source of anxiety for you. You know, stimulants give our nervous system an energy boost. But if we're anxious, we get a nervous energy boost, which can lead to a full-on anxiety attack.
And you know, I love my iced coffee, but I only allow myself to drink it on weekends when I tend to be more relaxed. Because I've had coffee when I've been really stressed, and it just speeds up my heart rate. And I can't control my breathing, and makes me feel even more anxious.
Number three, make sure you're getting enough sleep.
Anxiety and sleeplessness are closely linked. So, if you're not getting enough sleep, it can worsen your anxiety symptoms. And you know, they say to try to get between seven to nine hours of sleep a night.
And it's also important to give yourself a bedtime and develop a nighttime routine to help yourself wind down before bed. So, turn off your cell phone, read a book, and do something relaxing before bed. And try to go to bed and wake up around the same time to help establish this healthy sleep routine.
Number four, make time for your hobbies and live in the moment when you're doing those.
Believe me, I know. It's easy to get caught up in your daily life and going through to-do lists like go to the gym, go to work, pay bills, do housework, etc. And it can leave us overwhelmed and burnt out. So, make sure you make some time, even if it's just for 15 minutes a day, to do something you enjoy, like gardening, reading, listening to music.
And when you do that thing you enjoy, make sure you're fully present in that moment. So, if you enjoy reading, then read for a full 15 minutes without checking your phone. Put it in the other room, and just immerse yourself in your book and focus on one thing at a time.
And lastly, when you're feeling overwhelmed, give yourself permission to say no.
You know you can only do so much, and taking on too much can leave you burnt out and anxious. Now, obviously, we can't say no to certain responsibilities. But we have to be intentional in what we are taking on and prioritize what actually needs to get done in this moment and what we can schedule to do at a later time.
Episode Closing (23:23)
And going back to the tarot. The King of Pentacles in reverse is asking us to assess our emotional wealth and gauge if there's any roadblocks keeping us from unlocking our full potential of happiness, whether it's actions we're taking or actions another person's taking.
But we need to understand those roadblocks and develop a course of action to get past them to get back on track to build our emotional wealth. And for myself personally, the things that are roadblocks in my emotional wealth tend to be the key factors that cause me anxiety.
So, in addressing those roadblocks, we're also helping ourselves deal with any anxiety we might be facing. And most importantly, with whatever action we take, we need to just trust our intuition. Trust that the universe has our back and be in that moment.
We need to be intentional in what we're doing. We can't half-ass anything.
Connect with A Jaded Gay (24:03)
So, thank you all for listening. Before I end this episode, I do have a few quick butt plugs.
Number one, I've been meaning to plug this for a while, but it keeps slipping my mind because I have been taking on too much and just going through the motions and not being intentional with what I need to do. But I do want to give a special shout-out to Daniel Yost at Just-Records.
He's been actually editing the past, I'd say, at least two months' worth of podcasts for me, and he's doing the editing going forward. So, it's been a huge time saver for me. It's taken a lot off of my plate to free up more time so I can work on more podcast episodes going forward. So greatly appreciate that.
If you have any audio editing needs, you can check him out @justrecordspgh on Instagram. And I'll include that in the show notes for this episode. So again, special thanks, Dan.
And the second thing I want to plug is my new book is out. Yep, it came out on Saturday, October 8. Perfect for spooky season. It's got everything you want. It's got Greek mythology, murder mystery, supernatural elements. A little bit of gay thrown in there, too. What more could you want?
Check it out. You can get it on Amazon. The link will be in the show notes here as well. Definitely appreciate the support.
And by supporting me, you're supporting yourselves because if this becomes a huge success and a New York Times bestseller, then I can just take all that money and really just focus in on the podcast 24/7 and give you more content. More of the content you want and need. So, help me to help you to help me.
But in all seriousness, though, appreciate the support. If you read it, I hope you enjoy it and just thank you in advance.
As always, thanks again for listening. You can follow the podcast on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok @ajadedgaypod. You could send me an email rob@ajadedgay.com.
You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.
And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.
Mmm-bye.
Connect with A Jaded Gay (26:11)
And we all have different factors that play into our, into our.
That's another symptom of anxiety. You talk so fast you stumble over your words. You just keep messing up.
