Sign up to get updates from us
From social media to cover models, society has an obsession with body image, which we all struggle with. But for gay men, our bodies tend to be objectified and labeled to define our worth.
In this episode, we’re discussing why gay men tend to obsess over their bodies, the negative impacts this has had on our physical and mental health, and how we can treat ourselves and our bodies with kindness.
Additional Resources:
Snarky Opener (0:00)
If crying was a form of exercising, I would be jacked.
Episode Introduction (0:23)
Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a jaded gay just because I've been feeling really nostalgic lately. And not the good kind of nostalgia, but the sad kind.
You know, we're coming up on the end of the year, believe it or not. And while the holidays are ahead, and typically they're a very happy and exciting time, you know, this time of year, I tend to just reflect on things and, and just remember, you know, simpler times when things were easier when I was less stressed. I think about people that were in my life that meant a lot that might not be with me anymore.
And it's also had me kind of future looking too. You know, I'm looking back at the past year where it was, you know, November 2021. And it's such a juxtaposition to where I'm at now. And it makes me wonder, where will I be in the next year? Because so much changes. You know, we're not static, we're not in the same place forever.
We're always moving and always evolving. And it's an exciting thing. But it's also a scary thing. And when you're in the midst of a transition or anything like that, there's a lot of uncertainty, which can really weigh on you and, again, ties back into the nostalgia aspect. So really kind of just in the feels lately, but still trucking along.
And just, you know, help lighten the mood even more, today, we're going to talk about a super fun topic: body image issues in gay men. And, as I'm sure you're aware, the gay community seems to have an obsession with body image.
And I'm sure we've all struggled with it at some point in our lives. You know, for myself personally, I've struggled with my own body long before I realized I was gay. And we'll get into it.
But before we do, let's pull the tarot for the episode.
Tarot (1:48)
So, we drew the Queen of Swords in reverse. And Queen cards are very interesting because, you know, going back to the traditional meanings of the tarot, Queens are kind of split in their energy.
They have feminine energy and tend to kind of signify a little bit of nurturing like some of the other feminine energy cards we see in the tarot. But at the same time, there's also the masculine energy aspect to it. So it's not just purely meditative and nurturing, there is action behind it.
And especially with this Queen being in the suit of Swords, as you remember, Swords is tied to communication. It's our words, our thoughts, how we communicate with one another. And it's a very action-oriented suit.
It's masculine energy, so it's making us take action grounded in the element of air. And really, when we pull this Queen of Swords in reverse, it's indicating that we might be in a place where we're being highly critical. And maybe even that we're being highly critical of a person or situation, or that we might even be very critical of our own self.
And if we don't see ourselves in this critical role, then maybe we're reacting defensively when we're being confronted on something. And we're allowing our emotions to dictate how we react instead of thinking through our actions and words like the Swords encourages us to do.
And at its core, it's really signifying that we're letting our emotions get the best of us because, remember, we definitely want to feel our emotions and process them. And we need time to reflect on those. But when it comes to acting, we don't want to act irrationally where we're letting our emotions dictate us.
We need to trust our intuition and the principles and guidelines we've set for ourself, and make sure that we're taking our emotions into consideration in terms of what we want and what we're hoping to achieve, instead of just reacting without any thought process behind it.
So, instead of acting so much from our heart, we need to think a little bit more with our head when making a decision. And because we're letting our emotions get the best of us, we might be a little hesitant to pursue any plans because we're afraid of, you know, shaking things up instead of going with the flow, even if the current status quo is upsetting us and not helping us.
So, we need to have the courage to act and move forward in the way we want to. But doing that in a mature, rational way, where we're not just letting our emotions spill out in a reaction.
And to do this, we really need to focus on analyzing our situations, being objective, and carefully considering everything. You know, our own feelings, as well as others, we need to be mindful of what impact our actions may have.
And with that being said, let's get into the topic.
My Experiences with Body Image (3:54)
So, like I said in the intro, I struggled with my own body image way before I came out. You know, I was a heavy kid, and there were comments made at school about my body. And I knew it was a bad thing that I was wearing husky jeans.
And I was also aware that people were being mindful of what I ate. You know, I go to doctor's appointments, and I would hear that, you know, I was at risk of being overweight, which was not a good thing. You know, I know family members said like, oh, let's start watching what we eat.
And you know, it's a really tough position to be in because, obviously, you want your kid to be healthy. But at the same time, I knew that me having to watch my weight because I was too heavy was not a good thing. And it caused a lot of shame and guilt within myself.
And then, you know, I went into high school and I kind of just naturally thinned out. I grew like eight inches over the summer and lost 10 pounds. And so my body kind of balanced out there because I was never really a bad eater or anything. I just didn't exercise a ton and I snacked a little bit.
But so all of a sudden, here I am 14 years old. Suddenly I go from five foot to five eight and I dropped to like 140 to 130. And I got a lot of validation. People told me things like I look like a million bucks. Oh, you look so good. All these comments I had never heard before. So I was desperate to keep that validation and to, you know, maintain this new thinner frame that I now had, so I became obsessed with maintaining my weight.
And this turned into a struggle with anorexia that I faced for six years from the age of 14 to 20. You know, I weighed 119 pounds, and I would do everything in my power to maintain that weight. If I gained a few ounces, I would freak out. I was very limiting in what I was eating, I was exercising too much. I was not being healthy.
And when I was in college, that's when it really took its toll. You know, I was a month shy of my 20th birthday. Like I said, I'm five eight and I weighed myself and I was 114 pounds. And that's when I got scared. I knew I was, like, really thin beforehand. But 114 pounds, I'm like this, this is way too thin. This is dangerous. And at that time, my sisters who were 16 years old, I weighed less than them.
And I knew this was really becoming a problem. But I didn't know how to get past that. I knew I needed to eat healthy, I needed to exercise, but I was afraid to gain weight.
And you know, around that time, I did end up getting put on a weightlifting routine. And I started viewing food as fuel. And that helped me overcome some of my struggles with anorexia.
And, you know, around that time is when I started exploring my sexuality. I was 20 years old, I had never really dated before. But around this time, I started getting a little bit more curious. I had always kind of repressed that side of myself.
And, you know, partially because of my eating disorder, I just didn't have the energy to really, you know, feel much sexual attraction or feel worthy of dating. Now, suddenly, I'm exercising, I'm eating, you know, I'm feeling good, both with how I look and how I feel.
And so around this time, I'm, you know, I'm realizing I can't really repress the side of myself anymore. And so, as part of that, I got on the dating apps. And you know, you see when you're on the dating apps. There's all those shirtless, jacked, hairless guys.
And people have shit in their profiles, like no fats, no fems. And just a reminder, if you have that in your profile, delete it instantaneously. That shit is not okay. But anyway, you know, at that time when I was on those dating apps, you know, I was eating healthy and exercising, and I was still skinny, and like kind of lean and twinkish.
And I don't know what I am now, maybe a twunk. I never really understood the definition of those labels. But being on the dating apps and seeing guys who were more muscular than me or thinner than me, it had me going back and forth feeling sometimes like I'm too skinny, or sometimes I'm too fat. And that's carried over with me today.
Now, I'm not on any dating apps, but that's always been a struggle of mine when I have been on them. You know, there's been comparisons of myself to other people's bodies on there. And you know, I really did adopt a strict gym routine. And despite putting in the work, I still don't look like those ripped guys.
And it's really frustrating because you feel like you're putting in the hard work, but you're not seeing the results. And in reality, you know, it's really hard to achieve that perfect body, and yet, we're all killing ourselves trying to get there. And if we don't, we feel like shit.
So why is that? Well, spoiler alert, it's shame. It always ties back to the gay shame. I mean, sort of. There's a few other factors at play.
Sources of Body Image Anxiety for Gay Men (7:30)
But first, circling back to our Gay & Anxious episode last month, we talked about some of the sources of anxiety for gay men.
And one of those sources is the pressure for gay men to have the perfect body. And if you think about it, the quote-unquote perfect body tends to be tall and muscular, which is associated with rugged masculinity.
Gay men also feel the need to overwork to prove themselves to heterosexuals, so they may feel the need to have a perfect body to prove their worth. Also, there's a lot of talk about how gay male culture is sexualized, often reinforcing that perfect body.
I mean, we have labels for body types. Twink, otter, bear, that's how defined it has to be. It seems like you need to have a certain body type so you know your place in the gay hierarchy. And you can't just exist with the body you have without being labeled or defined. It feels like you have to fit into one of those categories and know your place.
And also, this is interesting. During the AIDS pandemic, gay men having muscles was also sort of a status symbol and a way to outwardly convey their health. And this reminds me of the Queer as Folk episode from the US version in the early 2000s, where Ben's ex dies of AIDS-related complications. And Ben is HIV positive, and he starts taking steroids so he can build up his muscles and keep his body quote unquote healthy so he can beat the virus.
And so there's a lot of different layers regarding body image, but you can see how these factors can contribute to developing body image issues.
The Adonis Complex (8:44)
In fact, there's a concept called the Adonis complex, and the name comes from the Greek god Adonis. In Greek mythology, he was depicted as half man, half god, and was considered the standard for masculine beauty.
So Harvard psychiatry Professor Harrison G. Pope, Jr., Brown professor of psychiatry Katherine A. Philips, and Harvard clinical research fellow Roberto Olivardia documented a, and this is a quote: "health crisis that is striking men of all ages."
This crisis, known as the Adonis complex, is a collection of male body image problems that can include compulsive weightlifting and exercising, steroid abuse, eating disorders, and full-blown body dysmorphic disorder.
In fact, gay and bisexual men experience elevated body dissatisfaction compared to heterosexual men, with up to 32% of sexual minority men reporting negative body image. Now, while this research shows that the complex affects all men, gay men are specifically at risk. And a lot of that does have to do with internalized homophobia.
But also think about this.
Comparing Bodies with Partners (9:39)
We're dating people of the same sex. So it's much easier to compare our physical appearance to our partner as opposed to heterosexual men.
I mean, think about it. Have you ever been scrolling through the apps and see a profile where a guy is shirtless and shredded? And then you look down at yourself? And you're like, yeah, I should probably skip dinner tonight?
I mean, that was something I ran into somebody I dated a few years back. I mean, like I said, I exercise, I try to stay in good shape. And this guy, he wasn't like super jacked, but he definitely was toned. And he had, you know, full six-pack abs. And that's something I don't have.
And so whenever I was shirtless next to him, I really felt self-conscious. And I thought, like, is this a reason that maybe he won't like me because I don't have a body that looks like his? Do I have to be on that same playing level to be worthy of his attention?
And, interestingly enough, Antoni, the food expert from Queer Eye, has talked about how he struggled with body image in the past, especially in relation to other gay men. Here's a quote:
"I was most comfortable with my body when I was in a relationship with women. There wasn't a sense of comparison because we were different. It was my first relationship with a guy where I looked at myself and I was like, oh, my biceps aren't as big as his. I wish my legs were longer. I wish my torso was longer. I got really self-conscious and it was a comparison."
Body Image Pressure for Gay Men (10:45)
And the quote-unquote community we're surrounded by is constantly bombarding us with this concept that to be straight-acting and muscular is the ideal when it comes to body image. I mean, from the dating apps to Instagays to gay porn to the queer representation we've traditionally seen on TV, it only solidifies this notion.
And all this exposure can lead to gay men struggling with body dysmorphia, which the Mayo Clinic defines as a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance, a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others.
And when you struggle with this, you tend to intensely focus on your appearance and body image. I mean, maybe you repeatedly check the mirror and groom yourself or seek reassurances for your body insecurity, and basically experience legitimate distress from your perceived flaw.
And for myself, I'm better with it now. But when I was younger, I was always checking my stomach. You know, anytime I was walking, I would kind of just like poke my stomach to make sure that it didn't feel too flabby; that I could still feel some sense of, you know, toneness underneath.
When I was in the bathroom, I'd lift up my shirt to check to see how I looked from the side because I was so self-conscious of looking quote unquote fat, and then fearing that that would make me unattractive to others.
And the Eating Recovery Center published a really interesting article in 2016, about the relationship between gay men and body dysmorphia. And they go so far as claiming that gay men are the new face of this. Here's a quick excerpt:
"When someone has a history of rejection, i.e. name calling on the playground, getting crammed into lockers, ridiculed for feminine interest, etc., he might work tirelessly to achieve acceptance throughout his life. After all, rejection creates a thirst for acceptance.
While attempting to change or suppress one's mannerisms, personalities, and interests are difficult, if not impossible to do, changing one's body is more achievable. In the quest to attain acceptance, the gay man's best strategy is attaining the masculine body ideal, complete with chiseled arms, bulging pecs, and washboard abs.
By working out tirelessly and reaping the sexual tension that comes from such intense workouts, the gay man can temporarily massage the root anxiety and fear he carries about being rejected. Working out is something he can control. Heavier sets, more protein shakes, more crunches. In turn, he can have his choice of sexual partners and glean temporary male acceptance."
And while we talk about how physical activity is good for our mental health, this obsessive type of behavior is very damaging, and can actually lead to self-hatred, shame, and unresolved trauma.
Gay Men and Eating Disorders (12:56)
And unsurprisingly, this negativity can lead to dangerous behavior. For example, according to Psychiatry.org, eating disorders are illnesses in which people experience severe disturbances in their eating behaviors and related thoughts and emotions.
The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reports that eating disorders affect at least 9% of the population worldwide. And this is an extremely dangerous mental illness. In fact, 10,200 deaths each year are the direct result of an eating disorder.
That's one death every 52 minutes, which makes eating disorders one of the deadliest mental illnesses, second only to opioid overdose. And looking specifically at the gay community, gay men are seven times more likely to report binge eating and 12 times more likely to report purging than heterosexual men.
Gay and bisexual boys are significantly more likely to fast, vomit, or take laxatives or diet pills to control their weight. In fact, gay men experience eating disorders and body dysmorphia more than any other population except for heterosexual women.
Health Risks to Achieve “The Perfect Body” (14:43)
And in January 2020, the BBC published an article looking at the health risks gay men are taking in order to achieve the perfect body.
In one case, a man named James became body-conscious after a bad hookup. When he went back to his date's house and took off his shirt, the guy made a disgusting noise and said, "Nice arms, though."
And this led to James getting a tummy tuck, which went wrong, and now he has permanent scarring from it, which in turn has made him even more body conscious.
And he says he's continued to be body-shamed since the procedure. One guy told him to go and find jeans in the maternity section because he had quote unquote wide hips.
Another man named Jacob was obsessed with lifting weights to build muscle. But eventually, he plateaued with his muscle gains and felt pressure to continue to get bigger. He turned to anabolic steroids and became addicted.
And as a result of his steroid use, he actually went into heart failure. He survived, but he continues to struggle with health issues as a result. And those are extreme examples, but most of us struggle with not feeling good enough in our bodies.
Symptoms of Body Image Issues (15:38)
And here are a few symptoms that you may be struggling with body image, according to Psychology Today:
And I've struggled with pretty much all of those except for the last two.
Working Toward Body Neutrality (16:13)
You know, for myself, personally, I guess I've reached a point where I'm more body-neutral. I don't love my body, but I don't hate it. I used to, but I've kind of gotten to a place where I can accept it for what it is. But I still get obsessive.
I mean, again, this was something that was really bad when I was younger that I've kind of managed but I always would think about what I ate and how it would affect me. You know, if I had a slice of pizza, am I going to look fat the next day? And when I was younger, if I missed a day at the gym, I'd get so mad at myself. And I'd be paranoid that I was going to get fat overnight or lose my muscle because I missed just one day at the gym.
But after years of going through this, it really has kind of burnt me out. You know, I think I mentioned it an episode or two ago, but I used to, like, go to the gym six days a week to lift weights. And it really just, it's so boring. You go for like an hour and a half to two hours, you're just doing the same old, same old, you're not talking to anyone, you have your headphones in, it's just such a monotonous routine.
And I'd go super early, I'd wake up at four in the morning, so I could go before work, which meant that I was going to bed at like eight o'clock on weeknights. So there's really not a ton of social life, you know? Like, I'd work until five o'clock, six, come home, eat dinner, get ready for bed, and then do the same thing the next day. And it makes me feel like I'm not living my life.
And so as a result I did a few weeks ago decide to change things up where I enrolled in fitness classes at a local workout place by my house. And it's been great because I still go to the gym three days a week, but the other two or three days, you know, because I'm allowing myself to only have to work out five days.
But the other you know, two or three days that I do work out, I do a fitness class. It's shorter, it's about an hour. It's more group-focused so I'm not just, you know, sitting by myself with my headphones in. And it actually is a lot of fun because you're moving throughout the whole time. It's kind of like a HIIT workout. But it's just, it's always something different. And the music's different, you know, there's fun lights that are flashing and stuff.
Although I've almost fallen off the treadmill a couple times, because I'm like terrible coordination, then you have the flashing lights. Not a good scenario.
But anyway, it's just more fun. It's a better use of time. I don't have to wake up as early. And it's something I actually enjoy doing. And while I've gotten to a place where I've enjoyed doing that, I have to admit the first couple weeks, I was really anxious about it, because I'm like, oh my God, now I'm working out differently. I'm not, these are three days I'm taking off from the gym that, while I am still working out, I'm not just purely lifting one muscle group.
So am I going to lose my muscle mass all of a sudden? You know, how is this gonna affect how I look? And you know, I've kind of gotten over that a little bit, especially with each week, it just gets easier. And like I said, I really do enjoy these workout classes. That definitely makes it an easier option to choose as opposed to going to the gym just so I can hit a certain muscle group.
But I hate that I even have that struggle in the first place. And I'm hoping that as time goes by, it'll ease up even more and I won't think twice about that. But it was a serious concern of mine when I first started this new routine. And it's tough because you know, no matter what kind of workout I do, I think I am always going to be insecure about parts of my body.
You know, I've always been insecure about my stomach. I feel like my hips are too wide. And I'm self-conscious about my legs because sometimes I think they look too skinny. And while I don't starve myself anymore, for a while, it felt like I traded one disorder for another. Yeah, like I was eating right and working out.
But I went from starving myself to eating right and working out obsessively where it's like I had to lift six days a week. I had to eat every couple hours and eat specific calories and specific protein to make sure I'm getting, you know, the right protein amount, and that I'm on a low-fat diet and all that stuff. And really, that's not healthy either.
And I think part of the reason why I struggle with this is, like I said, before I came out, you know, I was struggling with body image stuff. And I knew that I felt like the odd man out because I was the heavy kid, I was unathletic. And that wasn't the case with my friends. And there were definitely comments made about my body size.
And you know, I had to watch what I ate while my friends didn't. And it really did kind of create a sense of shame within me feeling like the odd man out. And so I already had some body shame there.
And then it evolved as I got older and came out and, you know, I'm suddenly presented with all these men on dating apps who seem to have these perfect bodies that I don't look like. And I am also a perfectionist, so it ties in with that, but certainly, with being gay, I felt that, if I have a good body, then there's some sense of validation of my worth.
Like if someone breaks up with me, it's a reassurance that I'm still thin or toned or whatever because hopefully then I'm not being rejected for my body, maybe it's just something else they didn't like about me. But there's a fear that, you know, if I did ever gain weight, then guys won't want to date me.
And the crazy thing is, like, I don't want to date someone with abs. Like, I've dated guys of all body types, and I'm not seeking my partner to have the perfect body. And that's partly because that would be intimidating to me.
Like I had mentioned that scenario a few years ago when I dated that guy who had abs and I didn't, and like it caused a lot of, you know, stress over that. But you know, again, while there's that pressure there, also, like, I'm not necessarily attracted to that.
Body-Shaming Comments (20:28)
But despite all that, you know, despite not seeking out a partner with a perfect body, I still feel like I need to have the perfect body, or else no one would be interested in me. And while that might sound irrational, most of us have probably dealt with negative comments about our bodies from our dates or strangers on apps that reaffirm this belief.
I mean, I've been too skinny for some people and too fat for others. I've been told things like, "Oh, you don't have an ass, your legs are so skinny." And then, on the flip side, I've been told, "Wow, I'm surprised your stomach is so soft." And as someone who has struggled with anorexia, that last one is a really nice reassurance for me.
And it's a layered criticism because it's like we as gay men share the collective experience of being rejected by heteronormative society, which has then led us to try to achieve largely unattainable standards, and then we're being rejected by our own community for not being perfect. Like, we should be working to heal one another and not to add shame to our pre-existing shame.
It Gets Better, Unless You're Fat (21:17)
And in the BuzzFeed article, It Gets Better, Unless You're Fat, Louis Peitzman recounts his experiences of being told he might actually be cute if he lost weight.
In another instance, he talks about how one time he lost 15 pounds due to his depression. And an older gay man told him he had done the right thing because his only other option would have been to gain weight and become a bear. And again, it goes back to those labels within the quote-unquote gay hierarchy.
And I'm going to read an excerpt that was really emotional for me:
"This internalized shame I feel about my weight is largely a credit to society, where all fat people are treated like second-class citizens. But adulthood should be about repairing those wounds and learning to love myself as I am. Instead, I'm surrounded by people who, despite having faced the same oppression I have as a gay man, largely refuse to embrace me at my current size. The end result is that I've been out for nearly a decade, and I still feel like an outcast within the gay community."
Breaking the Cycle of Body-Shaming (22:06)
And we're all at fault here, myself included, because, as the Eating Recovery Center explains, gay men who buy into this drive for the perfect body to hide their insecurities are actually hurting themselves and others who don't measure up.
We put this pressure on ourselves, which then in turn impacts those around us. You know, maybe if we're obsessive over our own diet and exercise habits, our partner may feel insecure and like they need up their fitness game to keep up with us.
Or we do have those guys who are absolute dicks and body shame others and say no fats, no fems in their dating profiles.
Or we have people in the entertainment industry, cough cough, Ryan Murphy, who cast actors with perfect bodies to play gay characters, which once again contributes to a representation problem.
And all these things contribute to the cycle of shame we feel of not being good enough. So what can we do about this?
Be Kinder to Your Body (22:48)
How can we break this cycle?
First off, we need to be kinder. You know, we need to be kinder to ourselves, and we need to be kinder to others. Don't body shame yourself, and don't body shame others.
And truthfully, it's probably easier to quit body shaming others than it is to quit body shaming ourselves. And that's because we tend to be hardest on ourselves.
So here are a few ways we can be kinder to ourselves and our bodies according to Psychology Today:
Don't be unkind about your appearance. Challenge your critical thoughts.
Instead, take a broader look at your body and look at the parts that you do like.
Moderate your exercises, take some time to do other fun things in hobbies that do not involve working on your fitness or body.
It is all part of self-love, self-compassion, and self-acceptance. You don't need to have a six-pack in order to be handsome, attractive, and a worthy person.
Address Your Internalized Homophobia (23:55)
And while those are good ideas, in theory, it's probably hard to follow those guidelines and believe them. Because, after all, our shame and need for perfection are so deep-rooted.
So really, to address our body image issues, we need to address our internalized homophobia and work to overcome any rejection we faced. And the way to do that is therapy.
You know, I have been in therapy for years with my current counselor. And typically, you know, in the past, I've kind of talked about, like, the day-to-day stuff that's been stressing me out. You know, certain relationship situations as they've come up.
But I never really focused on anything that was, you know, from the past, anything that might be more deep-rooted, because I never really realized that those things from the past could still carry such emotional baggage for me in the present and cause some patterns to occur.
And so more recently, you know, I've been meeting with my counselor, and we've just been focusing conversations on things from when I was younger. Feeling the rejection I felt from, you know, being the heavy kid and feeling like an outcast.
And it's not always easy to talk about, but it's something that's worth working on so that, you know, as I continue to age, I can overcome some of these issues. Because I don't want to feel like my entire life is ruled by what I eat or how I work out.
Episode Closing (24:58)
And, you know, my counselor said something to me that's really true. He said, you can always be more fit. And it kind of ties into the recent Men's Health magazine, I think was their, like, their special body image issue.
But they were talking about one of the authors in there said, you know, the day that you start lifting weights is the day that muscle dysphoria sets in. Because really, you know, you might start lifting weights, and you might feel good at first, but then you're going to start comparing yourself to others. You're going to realize, oh, I can always lift heavier, I can always add in another set, I can always make this muscle group bigger.
And it's just a never-ending struggle. Because eventually, you are going to plateau. And the people who you know, have those perfect bodies, think of the sacrifices they're putting in. Maybe they're putting all their time into the gym and have nothing else outside of that. Or they're literally counting every single calorie to a T and don't ever really live.
And for myself, personally, you know, no judgment, if that's what makes people happy, good for you. But for myself, that's not living. And that's not how I want to live. So, I kind of need to get to a point where I can accept that, you know, if I don't want to live like that, if that doesn't make me happy, then I have to accept that my body may not look like what the perfect body is. But that is still okay.
And you know, this episode is coming up right before Thanksgiving. And I did that intentionally because holidays always used to be a source of anxiety for me. Because, like I said, when I was struggling with anorexia, I would starve myself constantly so I could maintain that 119.
And then when it got to the holidays, I wouldn't be able to control myself because I had starved myself for so long and I was suddenly around, you know, large amounts of food, that I would just eat a lot. And like, not a lot, a lot, but it was a lot for me at the time. And then I'd feel shame for having eaten so much. I hated feeling full. And so, I would work out intensely and starve myself in the days after, because, you know, obviously, if you weigh yourself the day after Thanksgiving, you're probably going to be a few ounces heavier than you were beforehand. And it was a really damaging cycle.
And now that I actually eat and eat healthy, I'm able to navigate the holidays better. You know, I don't feel a loss of control when I'm sitting at the dinner table around appetizers or anything like that., I can moderate myself because I don't starve my body. I'm not in starvation mode 24/7.
And, you know, with all that being said, I just want to say, for anyone struggling with body image, try to show yourself some compassion and grace. You know, you can still be an amazing human being, even if you don't have six-pack abs, because your body does not define your worth.
So, allow yourself to enjoy the holiday and make sure you take some time to be a little kinder to yourself. And ultimately, let's all work on being a little kinder to one another as well. Because we need to be the change we want to see. And again, when we are so tough on our own bodies, we may think we're just doing it ourselves.
Because I felt like that, you know, for a long time, I felt like you know, I don't have expectations on other people to have the perfect body. But I had that expectation on myself. But it does become a cycle and impacts other gay men we're around. If we're on dating apps, and we have a shirtless profile picture up, you know, we might be doing that for validation, so we feel good. But that may be causing somebody else to feel insecure in their own body because they don't look like that.
Or like I said, with the example of a partner, maybe we're so regimented and so focused on our own fitness game, we make our partners feel insecure and like they need to step that up. So really, it isn't just a single-person problem where hey, this is me being a perfectionist on my own body. It really does have a cascading effect on the entire gay community.
So, we really do need to be that change for ourselves, for others, and for future generations of gay men. And you know, in closing, life is too short to obsess over your body 24/7. I think back to some of my happiest memories when, you know, there were exciting things going on in my life, and I don't remember what I weighed that day.
You know, 119, that was always my safety number. I felt safe weighing 119 because that was one of the low weights I got down to and I felt like I should have maintained that constantly. And I would weigh myself every day. And if I wasn't 119, it would stress me out and I was in a terrible mood.
But when I think back to when I was younger and some of those really happy times in my life, I don't remember how much I weighed. I don't remember what I looked like shirtless. I don't remember any of that. I remember the people I was with, the special times we shared, and just the way that it felt good that was not associated with my body.
But then when we're in the present here, you know, we can get so focused on our body when we're walking by a mirror or when we're shirtless at the beach. But I think we need to put it in perspective. Like when we look back, we're not going to remember how we necessarily felt about our body that day. We're going to remember the times we spent with people and the memories we made.
And to connect it all back to the tarot, Queen of Swords in reverse. We need to remember how our actions impact those around us because our actions do have an impact on those around us. And it's a reminder that we can't really react emotionally.
Like I said, we might see ourselves shirtless, and we might be so unhappy in that moment that we think Alright, well now I'm not eating today. That's reacting emotionally. You're not taking things into perspective. You're not looking at the broader picture. You're not looking at how you treat yourself as a person.
You know, you can not have six-pack abs, but still be eating healthy and exercising in moderation and taking care of yourself. That doesn't, just because you don't have abs doesn't mean you're not healthy. And on the flip side, somebody who does have abs, you don't know the work they're necessarily putting in.
Maybe there's someone that is working out way too much and is pushing their body to their physical limits. And their diet is absolute trash and they're actually destroying themselves. So, we need to again, look at that broader picture.
If you want to exercise, if you want to eat healthy, if you want to be healthy, that's fine. But just remember that a certain body type you know, having muscles, having abs doesn't necessarily indicate total health. You need to look at the full picture.
And when we're talking about health you need to think about your mental health too. Like today's episode said, you know, there's been a lot of issues of, you know, body dysmorphia disorder and muscle dysmorphia within the gay community. And while you might be achieving some form of physical health, if you're destroying your mental health, it's not worth it.
So, look at the broad picture, think logically, don't react emotionally, and be mindful of how your decisions impact others. So, I know that definitely was a heavier episode to cover and especially right before the holidays, but I hope you know, for anybody who's struggling with body image out there, I hope this episode has inspired you to be a little bit kinder to yourself, or maybe to you know, work on some practices to be a little kinder to yourself and to show yourself some grace.
Connect with A Jaded Gay (30:30)
As always, I'd love to hear the feedback. You can reach out to me at rob@ajadedgay.com.
You can also connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me on Instagram @rob_loveless, or on Twitter @robjloveless.
And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.
Mmm-bye.
Outtake (31:16)
Muscle implants and Botox injections. *Jennifer Coolidge voice* It's the Botox. I can't show emotion for another hour and a half.
