34. GBF: Gay Best Friend

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Like David Rose, I also try very hard not to connect with people.

So luckily, I only have a small circle of friends I have to be the gay best friend to.

Episode Introduction (0:27)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I'm a non-jaded gay because I just got back from a little walk outside. It started snowing, kind of caught me off guard.

And yes, my dog wasn't happy. He doesn't like the snow or rain or anything wet.

But being indoors, it's nice and warm with the heat on, it's really nice looking outside and just kind of seeing the snow. Starting to feel Christmasy, like a little winter wonderland, and just feeling cozy.

GBF: The Gay Best Friend (0:53) 

Anyway, today we are going to be talking about the concept of the gay best friend.

And I feel like a lot of us grew up being friends with, mostly girls. I know I was. Like from an early age, it was just easier to connect with girls than it was guys.

nd when I was young, I didn't think twice. But as I got older, I realized that boys hung out with boys, and girls hung out with girls. And boys and girls only really hung out if they were dating.

And so, if you were friends with mostly girls, people thought you were gay, which was the case for me. And this ties into today's episode of the gay best friend.

You know, every basic white bitch's token accessory in the early 2000s.

So today, we're going to talk about what the gay best friend or GBF is, some of its problematic elements, and how we can move past the stereotype.

But first tarot time.

Tarot (1:35) 

So, for this episode, we drew the Three of Swords in reverse, which essentially is the heartbreak card. Dun, dun, dun.

It's kind of a scary-looking card. You see a heart; three swords are stabbed through it. Typically, in tarot, this is not the best sign. Now, again, there are no good or bad cards. It just is what it is.

But while a lot of people are afraid of this card, again, upright key meaning sadness and pain, but in reverse, it's actually indicating that we might be on the path of recovery and releasing pain.

So, there is a little hope there on the horizon. And with the Three of Swords, again, Swords is tied to the element of air. It's masculine energy, so very action-oriented.

Swords are typically tied to, you know, our thoughts, the way we communicate. And in numerology, the number three is tied to collaboration and expansion.

So, when we draw this card in reverse, it's letting us know that we probably are feeling some sort of sadness in the present.

But while we might be hurting now, we are on the way to recovery and on to brighter futures. And you know, real quick, I know we kind of talked about this a couple episodes ago.

I was saying that, you know, around the holidays, I tend to get nostalgic and a little sad.

And I think it's interesting that we're drawing this card right now as we're in the midst of the holiday season because I still have kind of been feeling that nostalgia aspect and have been kind of feeling a little down.

And I know I'm not the only one. So, I think it's important to remind us that, you know, while we're feeling sad now, we are moving on to bigger and better, and the pain will ease eventually.

And to move on from whatever is hurting us right now, we need to look to the future with hope for new experiences, and we might have to be a little bit more proactive in seeking those out.

And again, this card really is kind of known as the heartbreak card in the tarot.

So, when we pull it in reverse, it's also reminding us that we can't bring our fear of heartbreak into any situations going forward.

And you know, we're coming up to a new year, let's just start over on a clean slate. Let that negative shit out. Don't be afraid, and let's move on and look for positive, new beginnings.

And as we're looking to the future and looking for happier times and releasing sorrow, when you pay attention to what we're feeling inside, our intuition, our thoughts, any self-talk, we want to be positive.

Remember we talked about that in the self-deprecating episode. If we're talking down to ourselves, we might start believing that. So, we need to have positive self-talk and know that we deserve to be happy.

Because by shifting to a more positive mindset, we can actually set ourselves up for more positive scenarios.

And more literally tied to the heartbreak we might have gone through recent hardships lately with relationships. Maybe either it's friendships, family relationships, a romantic relationship.

And so, we might have gone through some rough patches and either mended things up, or we might have lost somebody we've cared deeply for.

So, this card can also indicate that the time of sorrow has passed. You know, we might still be feeling a little bit of remnants of any pain from the past, but we are ultimately moving forward.

So, it really is an affirmation that we are going to be okay and we're on the right path forward.

So yeah, there you have it. Three of Swords.

Now that we got the heartbreak card out of the way, let's talk about the gay best friend.

What is a Gay Best Friend? (4:05)

And you know me. I love a vocabulary lesson, so here we go.

According to Urban Dictionary, a gay best friend is the best friend of any hot girl you know and the key for straight men to getting with that girl. Behind every hot girl is a GBF.

This definition also lists three GBF laws that if straight men follow, they might just get laid:

• Number one, thou shalt not make homophobic remarks toward the GBF
• Number two, thou shalt befriend said GBF
• Number three, impress the GBF, and you will have instant access to the girl

Meanwhile, a second definition on Urban Dictionary states that the GBF is a person that popular kids want to have as a friend for clout.

And the second definition rings a little truer to the stereotype I think most of us are familiar with.

Basically, the gay best friend is typically the sassy, sexless character that's in TV and movies for comedic effect.

You know, they're the sidekick next to the main straight character and play into the campy stereotypes.

And also, I would just like to point out that, you know, looking historically back at the gay best friend, they were typically portrayed by straight men.

And while there may be some humor in these portrayals, there is some retrospective criticism as well.

In fact, in August 2021, the British daily newspaper, The Guardian, referred to the concept of the gay best friend as TV's laziest cliche.

Here's a quick excerpt:

“In the 2000s – long before Lil Nas X was giving the devil a lap dance in PVC boots – representations of gay men in films and TV shows often revolved around the “gay best friend” stereotype. From Damian (“too gay to function!”) in Mean Girls to Stanley Tucci in The Devil Wears Prada and Burlesque, the GBF often played the sidekick to a woman, providing emotional support and fashion tips along the way. SATC’s Stanford Blatch and Anthony Marentino, a colourfully dressed talent agent and sharp-tongued wedding planner, respectively, were the quintessential gay best friends. They worked in creative jobs, were armed with witty one-liners, and rarely had their own storylines.”

Now, I will just say, in defense of this, I do love Anthony Marentino, and I definitely relate heavily to him.

The Gay Best Friend Trope (5:57)

Anyway, according to the Advocate, the earliest example of the gay best friend is Buddy from the 1984 movie The Woman in Red.

This movie is about a married man who becomes obsessed with the model after he sees her skirt get blown up by a wind grate Marilyn Monroe style. So already, we're off to a great start.

And Buddy, who is one of the main character's friends, comes to the rescue when the main character is nearly found out by his wife and mother-in-law at a birthday party. Already, I hate this movie.

And in 1994, there was Sammy, who was portrayed by Steve Zahn in the film Reality Bites. He was a slacker who was more funny, cute, and insecure than fashionable and stereotypical.

Sammy's sexuality is later detailed when he explains that he is celibate and talks about his pained coming out experience to his family. So right there, there's an example of a sexless sidekick. He's celibate.

There's also Christian from Clueless, who Cher has a crush on until she finds out he's gay. And once the idea of romantic relations is off the table, she explains that he's become her best shopping pal.

And I'm sure you all know Jack McFarland from Will & Grace, the flamboyant, campy sidekick. Sure, he's hilarious. I love him. But in the original series, I don't think you ever really see Jack with a guy.

I mean, it's referenced that he's dated and hooked up, but usually, it's just passing comments and not an actual storyline.

And this is kind of a catch-22 because at the time, it was great to have some form of mainstream representation, but at the same time, it wasn't authentic representation.

In fact, screenwriter Amrou Al-Kadhi asserts that this concept of the gay best friend was a perfect way for platforms to represent gay characters without having to think of them sexually.

Here's a quote:

“The GBF was always a bit of a eunuch: sexually harmless, more a court jester than anything else. Commercial platforms felt they were doing their bit for ‘inclusion’ without potentially upsetting advertisers.

It’s an unthreatening gay representation that was intrinsically tied to commerciality. I think it was quite harmful for younger queer audiences to only see themselves in this way, as Shakespearean fools; not intrinsic to the story, but more there to offer the straights some comic relief.”

And while these characters themselves are harmless on the surface level, it can create pressure for gay men to feel like they need to check a certain box.

What It’s Like Being the Gay Best Friend (7:57)

In June 2021. Cosmopolitan published an article by Daniel Harding titled Gay Best Friend: A Letter to Straight People from the 'GBF'.

In it, Harding argues that the concept of a GBF carries an implication and constantly reminds gay men that while their straight friends are normal, they are not.

He also details his coming out journey and being labeled the GBF.

And here's an excerpt from that:

“My straight girlfriends were supportive, and excited to suddenly have a GBF. To them, I could be that trusty friend to go bra shopping with, who'd talk about men with them into the early hours, all while braiding their hair.

I'd be the one guy who wouldn't get an erection in their presence, knew what top they should wear with ‘that’ skirt, and have the right words for when they were sad. And at first, that was fine with me. Those friends brought me back to life after hiding for so long.

I finally felt needed and, for the first time in my life, like I fitted in. They didn’t judge me or make me feel bad. We’d laugh at my stupid jokes and it felt good to have real friends to text and hang out with. But the negatives that came with the GBF label gradually started to creep in.”

Harding goes on to say that because he was labeled as the GPF, he was considered to be just one of the girls, which didn't feel right to him.

He felt like he was in their shadow and made to feel like the odd man out.

Here's another quote:

“I lost count of the times I was the only boy shopping with a group of girls. The only lad at the girl’s sleepover, where a father made me feel bad for being the only boy there. An adult man who towered over me, pulled me to one side and said it wasn't right for a boy to be friends with a group of girls. "You should be out playing football," he said. Unaware of his homophobia, I assumed he was right... that there was something wrong with me.”

So, he goes on to detail a timeline where he went to the movies with a group of girls, and all the girls had a guy with them, and he only had popcorn.

And there were jokes made about it that he wasn't there with a date. He was there with popcorn. And it made him feel like what he describes as being an awkward, single gay boy.

And it only reaffirmed the idea that he wasn't one of them. And this passage really resonated with me:

“I got used to being the only boy in a crowded room, feeling ignored and fighting tears. Because the reality of being the GBF was an uncomfortable and lonely existence. As much as I adored my friends, I knew they'd never truly understand how I felt.

They weren’t ever cruel, and even when they introduced me to someone new as their GBF, I knew they didn't mean to make me feel bad. But that didn’t matter, because every time they did, my stomach flipped. I worried that person had heard the word gay and now that's all they saw me as. And as someone who struggled with being gay for so long, having it constantly highlighted was hard. All I craved was to be 'normal' and to fit in. But all I did was stand out.”

The Harmful Effects of the Gay Best Friend Stereotype (10:17)

And despite all of this, Harding says that he plastered on a smile and tried to channel the happy-go-lucky GBFs he had seen on TV.

And as he re-watched those movies with his favorite GBFs, he noticed that the role of the GBF at the surface level works for the happy endings of rom-coms, but you rarely hear backstories of the unsung heroes: the gay best friends who supported the main characters, who helped them get to their own happy endings.

Harding also cites Dr. Becky Spellman, a psychologist and clinical director of Private Therapy Clinic, who explained how this stereotype is harmful and damaging.

She says that gay best friends:

“They are expected to fulfill a very specific role in their (usually) female friend’s life that effectively reduces them to a series of pastiches and does not reveal the full complexity of their personality. Perhaps especially when they are young and still coming to terms with who they are, some gay men may feel that pigeon-holing themselves into the stereotypes is an acceptable price for friendship.”

And this concept of the gay best friend has spawned countless storylines of women trying to seek out a gay best friend to improve their life.

I mean, take a look at the 2013 movie, GBF, starting JoJo, who I love. But the movie is about three feuding cliques who are trying to track down closeted gay students using a gay hookup app. A little problematic.

A 2018 Repeller article expands upon this phenomenon of straight women trying to hunt down a gay best friend.

In the article, it says:

“There seems to be this idea, underlined by shows like Will & Grace and other early aughts media, that straight women are innate allies to gay men. That requesting someone be your gay sidekick should be seen as complimentary — or even a kind of acceptance — rather than ignorant or insensitive. It’s not that there isn’t some truth to the cliché; I believe that the friendship between a gay man and a straight woman can be a unique and special thing, arising from a commonality of experience.”

So anyway, go ahead and Google gay best friend and there is a wikiHow article titled How to Find Your Gay Best Friend.

Now, to their credit, they do include this intro paragraph before listing out how to build a genuine friendship.

The intro says:

“If the hit 90s TV show, “Will and Grace” was one of your favorites, you may be yearning for that perfect gay best friend (GBF). The friend who, aside from being totally hot, knows you like the back of their hand, offering sage insightful advice and is always there to help you pick up the pieces after a dating disaster. This stereotype has caused people to start looking for their own GBFs and caused some gay men to feel pressured to fit themselves into that box. However, a real friendship is built on mutual caring, so here's how to find a best friend instead of a decorative accessory.”

Positive Portrayals of the Gay Best Friend (12:32)

And also, to be fair, there have been some deeper portrayals of the gay best friend.

In 2019, Entertainment Weekly published an article that takes a look at the evolution of the gay best friend in rom-coms.

Looking at 1994's Four Weddings and a Funeral, Gareth plays GBF to the male lead, and he does actually have an on-screen romance with his partner named Matthew.

Here's a quote from the article:

“Rather than being otherized, their romance treated with nuance and empathy to the film’s end, when Matthew tenderly eulogizes his late lover during the film’s titular funeral.”

There's also Damien from 2004's Mean Girls, who was portrayed by Daniel Franzese.

Franzese said in an interview that Damien was the first main teen movie gay character he could think of who wasn't shoved into a locker or had his head pushed into a flushing toilet or whatever.

He also said that it was an opportunity for him to just be one of the cast and have an arc and have a story.

And more recently, in 2018, we see Oliver in Crazy Rich Asians, who is forced to navigate a very conservative and rich world and assert his gay identity in subtle but empowering ways.

Going back to the Guardian article, they state that from the mid-2000s and toward the start of the 2010s, gay characters began evolving.

And Al-Kadhi thinks that the stereotypes, such as the GBF, are dying out because more LGBTQ+ characters are being created by queer people.

The Trans Best Friend (13:42)

But interestingly, while we're talking about more queer characters being created by queer people, there is a new tokenized accessory trend in Hollywood. And it's the trans best friend.

In a Them article from August of this year, author Nadine Smith details how Hollywood has been resurrecting the GBF trope in a new form.

Smith illustrates examples of this issue in 2013's Dallas Buyers Club, where Jared Leto, a cisgender man, plays a transgender woman who is portrayed as being an almost mythical fairy tale creature who exists largely to fuel the main character's journey.

Transparent, which debuted on Prime in 2014, cast Jeffrey Tambor, a problematic cis man to play the trans lead, while the actual trans actors in the show were relegated to the best friend role.

Smith writes:

“Even though it’s become something of a taboo to cast cis actors in trans roles, Hollywood is still mostly using trans characters for tokenistic purposes.” And I found the statement from the article to be really powerful: “Despite admitting some trans talent into its ranks, Hollywood is so far still sending the message that the complex struggles and layered emotions of trans people are less important than the same cis stories we’ve been told a million times.”

So, we've somewhat evolved from the gay best friend trope, only for Hollywood to repurpose a stereotype for another marginalized community.

Episode Closing (14:51)

And just to round out this episode, Daniel Harding closed his article with this passage:

“It seems many people still use the term Gay Best Friend to describe their ‘different’ friend. A person who just happens to be gay. And, in an age where we’re more aware of our language and harmful tropes, it doesn’t sit well with me that it’s still used so widely. We’ve finally waved goodbye to spinster, and f*g, so why is GBF still a thing? Is it finally time to do away with it for good? I know most people use it endearingly and without thinking. I know they’re not being intentionally malicious or meaning to offend. But it is, ultimately, a constant reminder that gay people are ‘different'.”

So pretty powerful words. And I think to some extent, we've all probably been the GBF. I mean, for me, personally, my best friend, I've been her best friend since we were born.

So, I was her best friend first and gay second.

But recently, actually, you know, I was hanging out with her, and then somebody else, and they referred to me as her gay best friend. And I actually corrected them.

I said, "Actually, I'm her best friend who also just happens to be gay." Because I'm not limiting myself to that box.

And just like Daniel Harding says in his article, I'm sure that person didn't mean for it to be a slight or malicious or anything like that. People don't really think twice about it.

But as representation has evolved over the years, we realized that the gay best friend is just kind of one-dimensional. And you know, as a gay person, we can be anything we want to be.

Gay does not equal one thing. It's not our sole identity. It's a part of what makes us who we are. So, at the end of the day, I might be gay, and I might be your best friend, but I'm not your gay best friend.

And connecting it to the tarot, we talked about how the Three of Swords is a heartbreak card in the tarot deck. But in reverse, it's really a sign of, I'd say, optimism and being hopeful.

You know that hope is on the horizon. So, whatever's going on in our lives, we might be feeling sorrowful right now, but we are on the path towards recovery.

And specifically, as it relates to the gay best friend, maybe some of us do feel that we've been pushed into a box, that we had to be a certain role, or, you know, in another sense, that we always had to be on for other people.

We always had to be witty, we always had to be funny. Maybe we needed to always tone down our dating story so we didn't make other people uncomfortable.

You know, we didn't really go into our own dating life, our own quote-unquote private life, to not make other people uncomfortable. We just had to be the funny friend that was there to support others.

And maybe we're holding on to some resentment or sorrow from that. So, let's put that away. Let's, you know, going into 2023, let's allow ourselves to step out of the box.

We don't need to be a specific role for other people. We just need to be enough for ourselves. And that, you know, again, the gay best friend in media has typically been kind of a minor supporting character.

But guess what? We're the main characters of our own lives. Maybe we're the minor character in somebody else's life, but we're the main character in our own life.

So, we need to make decisions and take action to move towards a future that will make us happy. And we need to seek out opportunities that make us happy.

We are on our path, recovering from sorrow. We're moving forward, onward, and upward, baby. So, let's leave the bad stuff behind and move on to a better future.

And on that note, I hope that little tarot connection there made you feel inspired, you're feeling good, and I hope you have a great week ahead.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (17:34)

As always, thank you for listening. Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can also follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (18:24)

Stanford Blatch and Anthony Marentino, and I definitely think he's a bit of my spirit animal.

Hates it. Move on.