35. Surviving the Holidays

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Ho, ho, how the hell are we gonna get through this?

Episode Introduction (0:23)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

'm Rob Loveless and today, I don't know if I'm a jaded or non-jaded gay because I've been enjoying myself listening to Christmas music.

Except I listen to sad Christmas music. It's very soothing to me. So, I don't know if that makes me jaded or unjaded.

But, like, have you heard Sheryl Crow's cover of Blue Christmas? And then, of course, you know, Merry Christmas, Darling, by The Carpenters.

And really, one of my newer favorites, Merry Christmas, Wherever You Are, the acoustic version by Meiko. Oh, just, it hits the soul perfectly. Just sad enough for Christmas. I love it.

So yeah, you know, take that as you will.

Surviving the Holidays (1:01) 

Anyway, you know, we are in the full swing of the holiday season. We've been seeing the ads before. Halloween. Decorations have been out before Thanksgiving.

And there's just a sense of happiness and joy in the air, right? Well, not for everyone.

You know, with the holidays comes stress for most people, from shopping to traveling to dealing with family members you may not see eye to eye with. It definitely is a crazy time of year.

But for members of the LGBTQ+ community, holidays can be extra stressful. And being surrounded by all the commercialized joy can actually make us feel lonely.

So, in this episode, we're going to explore how to survive the holidays as LGBTQ+ people.

But first, you know the drill, let's pull our tarot.

Tarot (1:43) 

So, the card for this episode is the Three of Wands in reverse. And I feel like I haven't really been drawing any cards from the Wands suit lately.

But as you know, Wands, it's tied to the element of fire. It's masculine energy, so it's very action-oriented. Fire, Wands, it's tied to creativity, passion, sometimes sexuality.

And in numerology, the number three is tied to expansion and collaboration.

So, when we draw this card in reverse, it's indicating that we might be experiencing delays in something that we've been waiting for, or we might even be just feeling disappointed in the current situation we're in.

Typically, when we're talking about delays, it's a delay in one of our plans. You know, we're trying to move forward, but we just can't get ahead. Something's holding us up.

Or we might be feeling disconnected from a relationship or a group of friends. And understandably, these things are disappointing. You know, especially if we feel like we're stuck in place.

You know, we're not taking any motion, we're not moving forward, we're not going anywhere. But we need to allow ourselves to also be patient and realize that everything happens for a reason.

You know, one thing, I've been going to some Reiki sessions more recently, and the one thing that's been covered in my sessions is, you know, think of the roots coming out of your feet and that your roots are grounded where you're at.

And that you're in this place that you're meant to be at. So, you know, say you want to get from point A to point B, and you're still stuck at point A. Well, there's a reason that you're still at point A.

Your roots are there for a reason, and you're meant to be there for that reason. Things will work their way out as they're meant to. You know, we definitely we can't be complacent. We can't wait around for things to happen to us.

We need to definitely take the steps and take the action to get to that level, but we do need to trust that the timing will work out when it's meant to work out. And it can be hard for us, myself, especially.

But this card is a reminder that we really do need to be flexible and patient and trust the process.

Holiday Stressors (3:19)

So, like I said in the intro, holidays can be a stressful time for everyone.

And according to the American Psychological Association, some of the main holiday stressors are dealing with the pressure of gift-giving, financial stress, and overspending, which is often associated with gift-giving and traveling.

And, for some of us, our finances may have already been negatively impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic, so this is just an additional pressure for us.

There might also be some family friction, ranging from awkward comments to political discussions. Spoiler alert: avoid those at all costs. Believe me, not worth it.

And also, there is a sense of grief and sadness around the holidays thinking about loved ones who may no longer be with us.

LGBTQ+ People and Family Rejection (3:55)

And so, circling back to the family friction. You know, everyone, gay or straight, has some difficult family dynamics. No family is perfect, obviously. But for LGBTQ+ people, this is an additional layer of stress.

You know, most of us struggle with feelings of oppression and rejection year-round, but these feelings can actually increase during the holiday season. And it makes sense because the holidays are often synonymous with family time.

But as LGBTQ+ people, we may have strained relationships with our own family members. I mean, you know, our families, they might have rejected us outright when we came out to them.

And according to FHE Health, families may try to be supportive, but it can actually come off as being insincere or forced because of their lack of familiarity with the situation.

So, while families are often associated with love and support, that may not necessarily be the case for LGBTQ+ people. And here's a quick excerpt from FHE Health:

"The holidays are hard for almost everyone, but the LGBTQ+ community undoubtedly has it harder than most. Add the previously discussed holiday stressors to the fact that LGBTQ+ often feel excluded due to being judged or shut out by their families.

The result is that a time of year that is supposed to be a time for quality time with the family can either be an extremely lonely, isolating time for those without family to go home to or if there is a family, it may be a time of judgment and anxiety.”

Additionally, Dr. Gregory Jones of District Psychotherapy Associates states that many people in the LGBTQ+ community have experienced some loss, whether it was loss of relationships, being ostracized, or not accepted.

And so, the holiday season can be a reminder of this, which makes LGBTQ+ people feel isolated and alone.

And even for those of us who haven't been rejected by family, there's still a sense of panic at the thought of facing family members who have different political and religious beliefs.

I mean, even if it's not that extreme, there can be comments and microaggressions made about the LGBTQ+ community or even yourself, and those can be triggering.

Here's a quote from psychologist Dr. Logan Jones, NYC Therapy and Wellness:

"While experiences vary by individual, most of my LGBTQ and non-binary identifying clients report similar feelings of tension and stress during the holiday season.

Common struggles range from anxiety and depression to feelings of rejection for freely expressing their authentic selves. For these clients, going home for the holidays is not always a time of bliss, but a painful reminder of moments of their ‘otherness’ within their families."

My Experience with Family Stressors During the Holidays (6:08)

And an example personally. You know, luckily, I haven't faced outward rejection by my family. I am out to certain members of my extended family, but it's something that's not really discussed.

And so, a few years ago, for Christmas, I was getting together with my extended family, and we're big on holiday games, so we're playing some Secret Santa game that, it involved a deck of cards.

Everyone had to draw a card, and then whatever card you drew, it dictated, you know, what order you got to pick your gift at. And when the time came for me to draw a card, I drew the queen.

And when I said that, a family member rolled their eyes and were like, "Oh, shocker. You drew the queen."

And yes, that was meant to be an innocent joke, but to me, it also kind of felt like a microaggression.

You know, this family member who had said that, they had never once asked about my dating life or shown an interest in that.

You know, I know they're unaware of political issues facing the LGBTQ+ community. They scoff over the fact that I struggle with anxiety because I quote-unquote don't have real problems.

And they even called me a gay boy way before I came out because I pierced my ears. So, if this queen comment came from one of my sisters or a friend, it would be a different story.

But coming from this family member, it felt more like a dig and a reminder of my otherness.

And it was in front of the whole family, so of course, I had to laugh it off, but I definitely felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Unable to Be Your Authentic Self During the Holidays (7:15)

And this ties into the next point, even for those of us who return home for the holidays: they may be unable to be their authentic selves.

You know, when we go home, whether we're out or not, we may need to censor ourselves, trying to avoid conversation about dating or significant others for fear of that awkwardness.

So, for LGBTQ+ people, this is basically a reminder that their families may never have fully accepted them for who they are.

And some LGBTQ+ people choose not to return home for the holidays, either because they've been flat-out rejected or because they're choosing to avoid the awkwardness.

But even for those who don't return home, the holidays can still be triggering since the meaning of family is a theme that's brought up throughout the holidays.

So, we may end up feeling lonelier, and that ultimately triggers feelings of rejection. Here's another quote from Dr. Jones:

"Any rejection can cause distress, and sadly, statistics show that overtly aggressive statements and behaviors, as well as microaggressions negatively impact the emotional health of the LGBTQ community on a daily basis.

When one’s psyche is contaminated by the shadow of prejudice and internalized homophobia, it can result in depression, anxiety, psychological distress, and other problems with self-esteem. Oftentimes, these issues manifest at a young age and are carried into adulthood. These distressing feelings and the ‘flashbulb’ memories that are formed in childhood are often unconsciously triggered when returning home for the holidays.”

For a lot of us, we've had to do work as adults to learn to accept and love ourselves, and this can potentially be undone during the holidays.

Here's a really powerful passage from Psychology Today:

"We have worked hard to gain a sense of self-worth and maturity, and we have an expectation that we will be able to now handle family relationships. However, many of us are often quite disappointed by the reality of a return home, which can inflame wounds around being rejected or being only tolerated rather than fully accepted.

Intrusive questions, snide remarks that indicate a lack of understanding and acceptance, as well as the need to hide from some or all family members, are what faces many of us when we return to the old homestead.”

Struggling with Alcohol During the Holidays (9:06)

And an additional challenge is alcohol.

Think about it, there's tons of drinking throughout the holiday season, and, as we've touched upon in past episodes, the LGBTQ+ community has reported using substances at a higher rate than those who are not LGBTQ+.

So, for those in the LGBTQ+ community who struggle with drinking, the holidays can be extremely triggering.

I mean, being LGBTQ+ during the holidays is already stressful enough, and then you're surrounded by people drinking. It's not a great scenario to be in.

So, there's a lot going on at the holidays, and it's sounding pretty gloom and doom, especially during what is supposed to be a joyful time of year.

So, here's the question: what can we do? How can we survive the holidays?

Tips for Surviving the Holidays (9:42)

Well, the number one thing you can do is set boundaries.

This is a form of self-care, and learning to say no to family is crucial for your mental health. And we need to make sure that we're setting boundaries that keep us safe, healthy, and happy.

So maybe you say no to going to midnight mass with your family if you have some religious trauma you're dealing with, or if a family member is very verbal about their political beliefs that contradict yours, leave the room.

You know, for example, last year, around Thanksgiving time, my parents had Thanksgiving at their house. We had extended family up.

One of our family members came in and was loudly voicing their political beliefs, which are very different from mine. Not going to go into detail, but I'm sure you get the gist.

Anyway, I'm in the family room, my gin and tonic in hand, calmly sipping it, with my family around me, and that family member begins going off on their political beliefs.

And I didn't want to hear it, but I obviously did not want to engage with it either. Trying to pull Meredith Marks and disengage.

So, I simply just, you know, I took my drink with me and walked right out of the family room. And I walked past my mom, and she's like, oh, did somebody ring the doorbell? I just went, nope.

Took another sip and kept walking, and I went out the front door, and I took a couple moments on the front porch, just breathing in the nice, cool air, sipping my drink, just relaxing.

Gave it five minutes, the amount of time that family member would be going off on their tangent. Then, a few minutes later, I just went back inside. We were on a new conversation.

No conflicts arose, and we just went on with the day. It was perfect. And the gin and tonic was very tasty. So, you know, just an example of a boundary.

I know that seems kind of minor, but things like that really can help out.

Also, make time to be alone. You know, I love my family, but I live by myself where it's usually very quiet in my house.

So, when I go home for the holidays with my immediate family, there's five of us. It's loud, I'm loud, we're all loud. It's easy to get a headache.

And then we get together with the extended family, and it's even louder. There's even more of us. It's a lot. And you know, there's lots of talking, sometimes a little bickering, and it can be overwhelming.

So, what I do is I always bring a book or my laptop or a notebook home with me. And if I need some alone time, I just go up to the guest room. You know, I'll go up there. I'll read for a bit. I'll go up I'll write.

You know, I'll take a walk around the neighborhood. Just something to have a little alone time and a little bit of quiet. And it's not meant to be a diss to my family or anything like that.

But everybody needs their alone time to recharge. And, you know, the piece about going for a walk around the neighborhood that kind of leads us to our next point.

You know, even when you're going home for the holidays, you might be thrown off your schedule or your routine a little bit. But still, make time to get moving and exercise.

You know, go for a walk, go to the gym nearby if you can. Just do something physical because, when we're moving and grooving, it can elevate our moods and it increases our endorphin levels.

And also, this one may be a little uncomfortable, but be mindful of microaggressions and practice being assertive.

As a reminder, microaggressions are verbal, non-verbal, and environmental, slight, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, and they communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.

And some examples of what these can sound like:

• Are it's fine, I just don't want to hear about it
• That's your issue
• Why aren't you married yet?
• This is my gay cousin

Basically, anything that calls a person's gender or sexual identity into question in a subtle but harmful manner. And even though our family loves us, we can't allow them to get away with microaggressions.

And this also ties back to setting boundaries. So, when insensitive comments like these, come up, call your family out. And you can be polite but still be firm.

You know, for example, it could be something like, please don't make comments like that. They're painful and make me feel unwelcome here.

Be Your Authentic Self During the Holidays (12:49)

Also, I really like this next tip, which I found from Out.com.

Although it is definitely outside my own comfort zone, they recommend shaking things up a little bit by showing up as your authentic self.

And it sends a statement, "I'm okay with me. Are you?"

And the one thing I like, when they said this in the article, is that the answer to the second part of that doesn't change the first part.

So, if somebody's not okay with you, that's their problem. You just need to be okay with yourself.

And here's a couple examples the article gave. If you've never kissed your partner in front of your family, go for it. Your cousin is probably just jealous that he's hot and her husband has a unibrow.

And here's another one, if your family's not used to seeing your feminine side sport that Dolls Kill faux fur coat that any gender could slay in the Christmas card photo.

And here's a few other tips from Psychiatric Times:

• Do not feel pressured to celebrate the holidays according to what others are doing
• You deserve to prioritize yourself
• Travel, buy yourself gifts, and do things you truly enjoy
• Limit time with family or antagonizing groups of people
• Do not abandon healthy routines
• We kind of talked about this: Make sure you get plenty of exercise and sleep, and limit the use of alcohol
• And also limit social media usage.

Stay Connected with Your Chosen Family (13:50)

And another big theme that I found across pretty much all these articles is stay connected to your chosen family and allies during the holidays.

You know, text and call them if you're feeling overwhelmed at any point. Try to make time to see them over the holiday season to avoid feeling lonely and rejected.

And in return, be there for your chosen family if they're struggling with the holidays as well.

And going back to the piece about struggling with alcohol during the holidays, here's a specific tip regarding substance abuse and sobriety during the holidays.

Dr Antonio Roberto, Jr, Senior Director of Behavioral Health at The Center, reiterates the importance of having a support network and chosen family to help you through the holidays.

Regarding substance abuse, he recommends anticipating triggering moments and creating a sober plan to help you move through them.

Here's a quote from the article:

"Making a sober plan is a great way to keep you connected and accountable. A therapist, counselor, and/or sponsor can help you create a plan that’s specific to your experience, and it doesn’t need to be overly complicated.

It can be as straightforward as checking in with another sober person at a time that you both agree upon, such as scheduling a call right before or after a family dinner when you’re likely to be navigating tense conversations or alcohol might be offered.

Beyond just one scheduled check-in, it can help to line up multiple options for connecting with your support network from afar, especially if you’re traveling. Make sure you have virtual meeting links saved for your 12-step or treatment program, if that is what you use, or even just write down a list of people to call at a moment’s notice if you’re feeling triggered.”

Additionally, set some ground rules for yourself and establish boundaries.

And this may mean you have to avoid certain situations altogether if they jeopardize your mental or physical health, including your sobriety.

Episode Closing (15:21)

And connecting it back to the tarot. Three of Wands in reverse, signifying disappointment and delays.

You know, taking the LGBTQ+ factor off the table, a lot of us build up what the holidays are supposed to be based off of what we've seen on TV, or what we had growing up, or what we see on social media, how our friends are celebrating.

But really, holidays mean something different for everyone. You know, for example, with my own family this year. You know, I said it earlier in the podcast.

My grandmother passed away back in March, and so that is something we've all kind of been....it happened really quickly back in March and caught us all by surprise.

And as the year went on, it kind of, you know, wore on us a little bit more and became a little bit more of a reality. So, this holiday season, that's something that is definitely going to be weighing on us.

So, it may not be the happy traditional Christmas we've always had. There might be, you know, some crying, some grief, some sadness that we're working through.

But everybody's going through their own situation. And really, it's not going to look the same for everybody. You know, even for yourself, this Christmas, it might look different than last.

We're always changing. Situations are changing. We have to navigate relationships and situations differently. So maybe we're at a point right now where we're feeling some delays in what we perceive our holiday should be.

Maybe it's with our relationships. Maybe, you know, we feel like there's a wedge between us and our family members. Maybe something happened this year where you feel like you're not able to bring your authentic self to the holidays.

And obviously, that's disappointing, but we have to know that, you know, things are happening for a reason. The timing's happening for a reason.

Hopefully, we can be spending the holidays with our loved ones this year, who accept us and embrace us.

But if we don't, if you know, if we're not spending the time with them, or if we can't bring our authentic selves home, maybe we do need to just trust the timing of that.

You know, we have to trust that everything's happening for a reason.

Maybe this holiday will be a rough one, but it's bringing a more optimistic future for 2023 where situations will change, where you can either, you know, spend that time with your family, or you can better embrace your authentic self, or your family's more accepting of your authentic self going forward.

So, while we see all the, you know, comfort and joy on Hallmark and you know Christmas commercials and you know everybody out and about all that stuff, if it's chipping away at us and making us feel lonely, you know, definitely feel those feels and process it, and take the time to understand why you might be feeling that.

But don't allow it to dictate that this is your future, that this is going to be every holiday. Because we might just be experiencing a delay right now, and this disappointment is temporary.

And you know, we're, we're in this disappointment right now for a reason, but it will go away, and we will be moving on to bigger and better.

So hopefully there's a little cheer for you there at the end of this episode.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (17:43)

As always, thank you for listening. If you have any questions or feedback, you can contact me rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. You can connect with me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless or on Twitter @robjloveless.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Bye.

Outtake (18:33)

Microaggressions, political battles, ugh.

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays.

Except maybe at home where I don't have to associate with anyone.