Sign up to get updates from us
As we approach the end of another year, we may reflect on the past – from relationships to career pursuits to personal matters. And while we may look to a new beginning, we must learn to let go so that we don’t carry negative situations with us.
In this episode, we’re discussing the motivating factors for obtaining closure, how we can give others closure, and how we can create our own.
Additional Resources:
Snarky Opener (0:00)
And that, my friend, is what they call closure.
Episode Introduction (0:23)
Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.
I'm Rob Loveless, and today I'm a non-jaded gay because I was taking my dog for a walk like I normally do, and I found a dollar bill on the ground, which I'm hoping is a sign of increased prosperity in the new year.
And also, another reason to be non-jaded is that 2022 is almost over. Thank God.
Creating Your Own Closure (0:46)
You know, every year there's good and bad to it. There's not just, you know, an overall bad year or an overall good year. There's ups and downs, ebbs and flows.
And this year, there were definitely good things that happened to me. You know, for starters, I launched the podcast, I had a book come out, I paid off my car, I was able to pay down a chunk of my student loans. So, on the surface level, all good things.
But overwhelmingly, I feel like this year has just been, I don't know, one filled with a lot of anxiety and stress for me. You know, back in March, my grandmother passed away.
I've been feeling a lot of stagnation like I'm not moving forward more so than I have in the past, and just really feeling stuck and uncertain.
And I've, you know, I've had some bad anxiety in the past, but it's always been kind of, you know, spiked in shorter periods of time.
Whereas now, while my anxiety may not be as bad, like July through this fall, it was just chronic. It was constant. And it wasn't the worst I've ever experienced, but it lasted long enough to feel the impacts.
And, you know, I wasn't sleeping well. My heart was racing all the time. I felt like I was constantly out of breath, and nothing I was able to do really would help me calm down.
So overall, while there are good things for this year, I just feel like it hasn't been a great year for me totally. And I have been referring to 2022 as my flop era.
And that being said, the end of the year is a little emotional for me because I tend to look back and think of how much has changed and reflect on all the good and the bad.
And I'm not a resolution person at all. It drives me nuts. I feel like you should be able to improve yourself any time of the year.
But I do like New Year's because I do feel like it's an opportunity to start over with a clean slate and be more intentional for what we want to achieve in the year coming forward.
And personally, I have quite a few things to look forward to in 2023, so I'm definitely glad that, you know, this year's coming to an end, and excited to see what's on the horizon.
But for us to truly enjoy those things and to be open to new possibilities in the new year, I think it's really important for us to say goodbye to the bad and leave that shit in the past.
So, this episode is going to be focused on making our own closure, even through uncertainty. And this is going to be generalized.
You know, it's going to be about dating, career, personal life, basically, any situation where we're trying to make our own closure so that we can move on to bigger and better.
And I know that sometimes that can be tough because we might be in a gray area, or we may think we need a definitive answer or something to come along and create the closure for us.
But we really need to be intentional and take action and advocate for ourselves in setting ourselves on the path forward to our own happiness.
So, we're going to talk through that in a bit. But first, tarot time.
Tarot (3:12)
So, the card for this episode is the Knight of Pentacles in reverse. And Pentacles is tied to the earth element. It's very grounding and stabilizing, which is nice. I need it.
Typically refers to, you know, putting in the hard work, reaping the fruits of your labor, and general prosperity. Although I always like to kind of gear it more towards emotional prosperity.
And in the tarot, knights are typically messengers coming back with a revelation or a message from the element they represent. So, this knight is coming back with an earthly message for us.
And when we get this card in reverse, it's really telling us that we might be sensing some hesitation in moving forward or that we're feeling complacent in our situation and not setting the bar higher for ourselves.
And the suit of Pentacles is feminine energy. It's very meditative and reflective. However, with this card, when we draw it in reverse, it's indicating that we might be hesitating to take action.
So again, while it's not an action-oriented card, we don't want to be too complacent that we're afraid to take action. You know, basically, this card is telling us maybe we've been in a situation too long.
Maybe we've been in a bad job or a relationship where it's not, maybe not even necessarily bad, but it's just unfulfilling. Or there's nothing more for us to learn from that experience.
And we're just being complacent and kind of just treading water and not going anywhere, staying in that.
So, we really need to reflect, tune into ourself, and see where we might need to make adjustments to move forward to a better path.
And this can also be tied to a journey of self-development or improvement. And in order to do that, we might have a ton of big ideas of what we want to accomplish, but our head's filled with too many ideas, and we can't focus on one thing.
So, this card might be encouraging us to take some time to reflect and build a schedule and a list of goals of what we can actually achieve and the steps we need to take to get to those goals.
And we might just need to focus on one path forward right now. You know, we might have goals to make a ton of money and eat healthier and exercise and be in a relationship and, you know, maybe do a house project, this and that.
We need to focus our energy on one thing at a time. Otherwise, we're going to be spread too thin and going to fall flat on all those goals.
So, really, kind of prioritize what you want to achieve in the new year. Is there a situation you're not happy with now, or do you have big plans for self-improvement for the new year?
What's your number one goal out of all those things that you want to do? And once you figure out what that is, kind of make a list of what steps you can do to start working towards that goal.
So, it's time to say hello to goal setting and goodbye to the negativity from 2022.
And to kick things off, let's talk about what closure is.
What is Closure? (5:24)
In October of this year, BetterHelp published a really great article titled Defining Closure Psychology.
In it, they state that psychologists believe that closure is the desire for an answer that leaves no room for uncertainty.
Basically, it means that a person is seeking the answers and resolutions they need to move on. And this doesn't necessarily need to be linked to a romantic relationship.
You can also need closure over the loss of a loved one, if something's affected your career, if an accident happens in your personal life, the list goes on and on.
Basically, anytime you might feel grief or sadness or uncertainty, you might be needing closure. And actually, all humans have a need for closure and can even feel lost without it.
Here's an excerpt from the article:
"People seeking closure are motivated by the benefits it can provide. For instance, closure can give someone a feeling of control where there wasn't one before, and it can provide a stronger foundation on which one can take action and move forward. The brain has a need for closure to process and perceive feelings. In principle, the absence of closure can ultimately hurt aspects of the brain because we naturally seek understanding and answers."
Two Motivations for Closure (6:22)
And there are two driving forces that can motivate someone's need for closure: the urgency tendency and the permanence tendency.
Now, the first one, the urgency tendency, it's defined as the need to find closure as soon as possible.
Meanwhile, the permanence tendency is defined as the need to hold on to closure permanently or for as long as possible.
And so, the way I read that, urgency tendency is an immediate need. It's reactionary.
You need an answer to something as soon as possible to explain away something which may cause us to jump to incorrect conclusions.
But on the flip side, permanence, tendency, I feel, is achieved as we process situations.
You know, listening to our emotions but are aware of our own bias so that we can form logical conclusions and react logically.
And interestingly enough, different personality types may affect our need for closure.
Who Needs Closure? (7:07)
For example, people who tend to be in control and are planners *cough, cough, me* may have a stronger need for closure since they can feel distressed by the idea of uncertainty.
And on the other hand, people who are creative, more open-minded, and quote-unquote go-with-the-flow type may have a lower need for closure.
And in 1994, Arie W. Kruglanski and Donna M. Webster actually developed the Need For Closure Scale, NFCS for short, which measures the degree to which a person has that desire.
People who obtain higher scores on the scale value order, dislike ambiguity, make decisions and form impressions quickly, and have strong opinions.
And the scale consists of 41 questions, and each question has a letter designation, A through E, which can be divided into five subscale designations.
And here they are:
Scores up to 82 indicate a low need for closure, while scores from 205 to 246 indicate a high need for closure.
Determine Your Level of Need for Closure (8:08)
And so, I thought it would be fun to go through the scale. Yes, all 41 questions you can score along with it if you'd like.
And if you're not interested in this, you can fast forward a bit. And all these questions are to be answered on a scale of one through six:
So, get your pencils ready. Here we go:
So, if you listened this far, hopefully, you wrote down a number for each of those questions, one through six. And when you add them all up, that's your score, and you can see where it falls in that scale.
So, going through that, I got a score of 145, which is lower than I thought I'd score. And I think part of that is because I've gotten a bit better with dealing with uncertainty.
But I still don't like it, and I do like closure.
Why Some People Avoid Closure (11:28)
Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum, some people do not want closure, and they actually work to avoid it.
And, this is because some people may have a fear of commitment or confrontation, and so they'd rather not know the answer to certain questions because they're afraid of what they might learn, whether good or bad.
But really, even though it might feel uncomfortable in the moment, getting closure is important so that we can move on from situations.
And obviously, when we talk about closure, we typically are talking about it in reference to breakups.
But I think a lot of the advice for this can also be applied to other areas of our life that we might need closure in. But for now, let's stick to the romantic relationship viewpoint.
Why Humans Need Closure (12:01)
Psychology Today states that when we are rejected and refused honest answers about why a relationship ended, we can feel depleted of our dignity.
So, a breakup can leave us grieving because one, there's a loss of a partnership, and two, there may be a lack of clarity about why the relationship ended.
When we go through a one-sided breakup, it may traumatically shatter the narrative we had built of the relationship. Here's a quick excerpt:
"By knowing the reasons why the relationship isn't working, the initiator of the break-up has already sorted out his or her story. However, the person being broken up with is thrust from being in safe psychological territory into an abyss, particularly if the relationship was seemingly safe, secure, and serious. A similar analogy can be made, for instance, when one discovers his or her partner has transgressed the sanctity of the relationship.”
So, when we are refused closure, we're flooded with trying to understand what happened in the past, present, and future of our relationship.
Meanwhile, when given closure, we can restructure our past, present, and future in a healthy way through understanding what went wrong and reconfigure our story accordingly.
And there are certain ways a person can give someone closure in a breakup.
How to Provide Closure in a Breakup (13:05)
That same Psychology Today article states that in a normal, non-abusive relationship, the kindest, fair, honest thing to do when breaking up is giving your true reasons as to why the relationship is ending.
And let's be real. This isn't always the easiest thing to do because you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings. And potentially, you might feel guilty for ending a relationship.
But being upfront and honest is the most important thing. Also, give your partner some time to grieve the relationship while offering to answer any questions they may have.
Create and communicate your boundaries and plan to meet in a few weeks' time to answer any outstanding questions and say a final goodbye.
And by speaking openly and honestly, this should help to end the relationship in peace.
Now, obviously, that's the ideal situation, but that's not the standard.
You know, we might be ghosted or given vague answers, or we get a post-it note from Berger saying, I'm sorry. I can't, don't hate me.
And so, we might have to create closure for ourself. So how do we do this?
How to Create Your Own Closure (13:56)
Well, number one, if your partner refuses to give you closure, ask yourself if they're the type of person you actually thought they were.
You know, sometimes we build people up to be this great, amazing person, but then they do shitty things that hurt us.
And we need to take a step back to say, okay, if they really were this great of a person, would they be doing this shitty thing to me?
Because if they were this amazing person, they would have the decency to do the right thing, even if it hurt us and wasn't comfortable in the moment, instead of dragging our heart around.
And while you may want to confront that person, odds are it won't do any good. It'll just create more hurt and anger.
So instead, try journaling about your feelings or write a letter to your ex explaining how you feel, but don't send it.
And you know, I talked about it in the love bombing episode, how that guy I dated, you know, a month and a half after we broke up, just showed up on my doorstep unannounced.
And he had, you know, he had time to prepare. He had a whole little speech prepared about explaining his side of things and trying to kind of spin it and make it still be my fault and all that stuff.
And he caught me off guard in that moment. And luckily, I had the sense to say, you know, please don't come to my house again. But after that, I started questioning myself, and I felt, you know, this isn't fair.
I, I was bombarded, and I didn't get a chance to say my piece. And now I'm looking like I'm the wrong one here. And I debated actually seeing if I could get together with him to say my piece.
And before I did that, I wrote a letter, and I wrote everything that had bothered me and what I felt I needed to say to vindicate myself in that moment.
And I actually scheduled an emergency counseling session first and read that through with my therapist. And talking through it, you know, I realized it really was not the best decision to get together with my ex, to talk through these things.
But just writing that letter and saying these things, one to myself, but then two, saying them to my therapist, it really helped feel like what I had to say was put out there in the universe.
Again, this person never heard those things, and honestly, even if he did, it wouldn't have made a difference because he framed the breakup a certain way in his mind. But I still felt a weight off my chest.
Don't get me wrong, still had to process some things going forward. But I felt a weight off my chest by saying those things, which kind of helped begin the healing period after that breakup.
And while you're avoiding sending that letter to them, also be sure you're not checking up on them on social media.
I mean, if you're still hurting over a situation, then looking at their Facebook or their Instagram, it's like picking a scab because you're not healed, and by picking it, you're just gonna reopen that wound.
And if the temptation is there, maybe block them altogether from social media. Now, I don't care what people say. I don't think blocking exes on social media is a petty thing.
In my mind, I view it as literally creating a boundary. Like they've indicated that they don't want you in their life anymore. So why give them an opening into yours? Because it's twofold.
One, if you're checking in on them, it's going to make it that much harder for you to heal and move on. But two, on the flip side, if they're checking in on you after they've broken up with you, what's that saying?
That, okay, you could just come back into my life? That you're entitled to know these things about me when you've indicated that you don't want anything to do with me? You don't get it both ways.
So, blocking, it doesn't have to be this big, dramatic thing. You don't need to send a text saying, guess what, I'm deleting your number. I'm blocking this and that. Literally, just block their social media.
Block their number. You don't need to make a big fuss about it. Just do it and move on. It is the most liberating thing you can do. And also, while you're doing this, learn to forgive yourself.
No doubt you're going to be going through a ton of emotions as you process this breakup. And you might be placing the blame upon yourself for certain things in the relationship.
And then you might think, what if I did or didn't do this? And then you might spiral thinking that you're too much or you're not lovable. And that's dangerous self-talk.
So, we need to show ourselves some grace. Yes, we might have made mistakes in a relationship, and that's okay.
We need to forgive ourselves and trust that we are exactly right the way that we are for the stage that we are at in our life.
And again, all this advice is geared in the scope of a breakup, which I think is probably the biggest sense of closure that a lot of people might feel they need.
But again, this can be applied to any aspect of your life. You know, maybe something happened at work where you got in a disagreement with somebody, and then you're starting to doubt yourself.
You know, was I unprofessional? Was I in the wrong for this? Am I too difficult to work with? This and that.
Or maybe you're still angry over that situation and feel that the other person's in the wrong and that you're not getting the, you know, the recognition or whatever you deserve.
These steps, you could still do that for that situation. Write that letter to your coworker. Again, do not send that, but write the letter to get the emotions out. Journal in your free time.
Or, you know, if you feel that you're in the wrong, maybe try to reflect on it and show yourself some grace and forgive yourself for making a mistake at work.
Episode Closing (18:04)
Again, anything, personal life, whether it's financials, friendships, family matters, this advice is applicable to all of that. And really, this is something we need to focus on as we're going into 2023.
It's time to let go of these things and take them off our chest and move into the new year with a clean slate.
It's like our tarot told us today, when we get the Knight of Pentacles in reverse, it's indicating that we might be feeling stagnant in place.
So maybe we're just sitting with these negative emotions from past relationships, you know, dynamics at work, friendships, finances, whatever it is.
And we're just feeling stagnant, like we're not moving forward. So, what we need to do is be intentional going into 2023. What do we need to say goodbye to?
What are some new ventures we need to be looking into? What are the steps we can take to get to the point we want to be at? This is a new year. It's time for a clean slate.
We can make this the year we want it to be. And, you know, as a reminder, there is, you know, every year there's going to be good and bad to it.
And there might be some years where we feel like we're crushing it, and there might be some years where we feel like we've just failed miserably. That maybe we didn't achieve what we wanted to.
Regardless of what it's at, we can either look to the new year as a time to continue building up our momentum going forward.
Or we can view it as a chance to start over with a clean slate and try to make it a better year than the previous one. And don't put pressure on yourself.
I think sometimes, at the end of the year, we might feel like, all right, what did I accomplish this year? And maybe we're in the same place that we were at the beginning of the year.
That doesn't mean you failed. Sometimes surviving a year is a big accomplishment of its own. So, I mean, we did it. We got through this year. It's been rough. It's been a ride, you know.
And I'm sure there's still going to be rough patches going forward in 2023. But it's new territory. It's a clean slate, and there's more opportunities lying ahead for us.
So really, you know, as we're closing in on the end of 2022, take some time to reflect. Where do you maybe need to make some closure in your life? What do you need to move on from?
What do you need to process? Take that time to grieve, process, be sad, be angry, and then let it go. Be ready to celebrate making it through another year. Surviving 2022.
And be excited for what lies ahead because if we set our intentions forward, we can make it a great year. And there's always lessons to be learned through the good and the bad.
Connect with A Jaded Gay (20:07)
And personally, I would just like to say thank you, everyone, for listening. I really appreciate the support I've gotten with this podcast so far.
I was super scared to launch this earlier this year. It's hard to believe that, you know, this time last year, I was just kind of developing the idea of what this could be.
So, I'm really excited to have put this out in the world this year. I'm excited to see where it goes. And again, I just want to thank you all for your support.
Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you have any questions, comments, or feedback, you can reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.
You can follow the podcast on Instagram and TikTok @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless on Instagram @rob_loveless.
And remember, every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.
Mmm-bye.
Outtake (21:14)
Peace out 2022. You will not be missed. Sorry about it.
