42. Are You Emotionally Unavailable?

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Not sure if I'm emotionally available, but I am definitely emotional 24/7. My Spotify Wrapped is proof of that.

Episode Introduction (0:27)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and today, I am a jaded gay just because I am feeling the weight of the world. Metaphorically, of course. I don't know, there's just been a lot going on, a lot of stressors all popping up at once.

You know, I've kind of alluded to this in some past episodes, but I feel like there's a lot of transition going on right now and I think I'm kind of getting to the peak of that where, you know, some action is going to be taken soon, but in the interim, I just feel very up in the air with things, and I feel the stress of that.

And haven't been sleeping great. I've just been a little bit more worried than I'd like to be, so I'm trying to just kind of go with the flow. Be mindful of my breathing, and try to let everything pan out. But for the moment, yeah, a little stressed, a little jaded.

But here we are, at the last day of January. We survived the first month of 2023. One down, 11 to go, and hopefully this year is off to a better start for you all compared to me.

Emotional Unavailability (1:18) 

Anyway, you know, we wrapped up last year with an episode on making closure and then kicked off the new year with an episode on accepting kindness. And I kind of did those topics to help us cleanse the palette and hit the reset button so we can pursue healthy dates this year.

And in addition to those things, we need to make sure we're emotionally available and giving our time and energy to people who are also emotionally available. And I feel like the term emotionally unavailable is kind of a buzzword that gets tossed around a lot.

Like, if someone exhibits bad behavior or, if something doesn't work out, we might just write it off as them being emotionally unavailable. But what does that actually mean?

Well, in this episode, we're going to explore that a bit, look for some common signs of emotional unavailability, and then make sure we are emotionally available ourselves.

But first tarot time.

Tarot (2:05) 

So, the card for this episode is the Seven of Wands. And as you know, Wands is tied to the element of fire. It's masculine energy, so it's very action-oriented.

And Wands is typically tied to creativity, passion, sometimes sexuality. In numerology, the number seven, it's tied to strategy and planning, and also, you can think about transformation and evolution. And when we draw this card, it's telling us that we need to make sure that we're being assertive and that our voice is being heard.

Specifically, if we're experiencing challenges or obstacles, we can't just act defensively. We need to be strategic and assertive and speak up to overcome adversity. And when you put it in the scope of a romantic relationship, we need to be willing to speak up for ourselves in that relationship but also be sure that we're listening to our partner and that both sides are being heard and acknowledged equally.

It can also be a sign that we need to really stand our ground. Maybe there's a threat to our well-being, whether it's in our personal lives at work or in a relationship. We need to stand our ground and speak up for what we want and express our feelings in healthy ways.

And also, I think it's asking us to kind of just take an unbiased look at our life and see, is there someone or something that's getting in the way of pursuing what we want. Is there a roadblock in terms of achieving one of our goals that we want out of a job? Is the person we're dating maybe a roadblock in the way of what we want out of a long-term relationship and out of a long-term partner?

So, it can be a little uncomfortable, but we need to ask ourselves those things and really kind of assess the situation, assess who we're surrounding ourselves with, and take the action to speak up for ourselves.

And if we're not being heard or if we're not being respected, then we might need to take the action to make a decision on what we do from there. Do we stay, or do we go? And as we get into the topic, I'm sure you're gonna find a lot of ties into emotional unavailability.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable? (3:41)

But to kick it off, you know me, I love a vocabulary lesson. So, let's start with what it is.

A 2021 PsychCentral article titled How to Spot Emotional Unavailability: Five Signs defined emotional unavailability as someone who is not comfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing emotions with others, or being present and responsive to someone else's emotions.

And, a simpler way to look at it, according to Urban Dictionary, is an emotionally unavailable person finds it hard to make time for friends and loved ones and creates barriers to intimacy, which can make their partner feel unloved or unwanted.

Now, that same PsychCentral article says that the cause of being emotionally unavailable is specific to each person, but three common factors causing this are:

• Insecure attachment styles
• Personality disorders
• Or childhood trauma.

And I'm sure your ears perked up at childhood trauma, and we'll get to it.

Attachment Styles (4:27)

Now, out of those three factors, there's been quite a bit of research focused on attachment styles and emotional unavailability.

And you'll remember, last year, we had the episode on understanding attachment styles. So, you might want to go back and give that one another listen after this.

I'm not going to go deep into the topic of attachment styles in this episode, but as a refresher, there are four observable attachment types:

• There is secure attachment, which has low anxiety and low avoidance, which means that they're not very anxious being attached to somebody and they're not very likely to avoid the situation.
• Then there's anxious preoccupied, which is high anxiety but low avoidance.
• Dismissive avoidant, meaning low anxiety and high avoidance.
• And fearful avoidant, which means high anxiety and high avoidance.

Now, the PsychCentral article states that children who are denied affection and emotional support from their caregivers will typically repeat this pattern in their adult relationships. And they may be more likely to develop an avoidant attachment type, which means they'll be more independent both physically and emotionally and have a harder time getting intimate with others or relying on them.

Additionally, attachment wounds developed in childhood, such as a history of being abandoned, ridiculed, or neglected, can also lead to emotional unavailability. So then, in adulthood, they're emotionally distant as a form of self-protection.

Basically, if they don't have to feel emotions, then they don't have to feel pain. And they're not going to want to feel too close to someone, so they don't have to be vulnerable with their feelings because being vulnerable runs the risk of being hurt.

Avoidant Personality Disorder (5:49)

Now, another factor beyond attachment styles that can cause someone to be emotionally unavailable is having an avoidant personality disorder.

Now, this disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of restraint and avoidance in situations that are social or involving completion and achievement and occurs in approximately 1.5 to 2.5% of the population. So basically, people with this condition may not feel anxious but rely on angst due to a habitual belief that it helps you avoid catastrophe.

Now, it's important to note that this is not the same thing as being shy or having social anxiety. Although, social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder do share a few similarities. And it also doesn't mean that someone is antisocial. A big differentiator is that avoidant personality disorder goes beyond social interactions.

It also includes the fear of being judged harshly, which can affect someone's productivity and life success. So, with an avoidant personality disorder, you might feel so concerned that others will notice what you consider your flaws or inadequacies that you may not feel safe or relaxed in their company. And someone who has this may think, if I don't try, then I won't fail.

And I'm going to read these symptoms, which are directly from the PsychCentral article. If you have avoidant personality disorder, your symptoms might include:

• Avoiding social situations or holding back when you can't see or clear of them
• Considering yourself inferior to others
• Or being very sensitive to judgment and negative feedback.

Meanwhile, these traits can show up in different ways. So, you might:

• Avoid activities where you have to spend time with people
• Keep personal information to yourself
• Frequently worry about the impression you have on others
• Believe others find you unappealing or awkward
• Regularly imagine the relationship you'd like to have
• Find it difficult to share feelings, even with loved ones
• Avoid trying new things because you don't want to embarrass yourself
• Consider everyday situations difficult or mortifying
• Feel as if you have an undefined or incomplete sense of self, and avoid places, people, and situations you aren't familiar with.

Gender Stereotypes (7:38)

Additionally, a 2019 Talkspace article notes that there is a gender stereotype of the typical emotionally unavailable man.

• Now in this article, they're clearly referring to gender as an either-or and not gender on the spectrum, but they detail the stereotype of the emotionally unavailable man who:
• Avoids committing to a future together
• Deflects any conversation that focuses on feelings
• Refuses to share anything vulnerable about himself that could be construed as quote-unquote weak
• Laughs at or condescend to people who do share their feelings, often including significant others
• Prefers relying on himself than depending on anyone else, either physically or emotionally
• And brags about doing everything himself and not needing anyone for anything.

Now, the article does emphasize that this is a gender stereotype and that many women can be characterized as being emotionally unavailable as well, but it just manifests differently in men and women. But I do think there is something to be said there.

You know, most of us who were assigned male at birth grew up hearing that men are supposed to be tough and macho. They're not emotional, they're the breadwinner, and they take care of their families.

So, in the realm of that gendered stereotype, I think it makes sense that some men may feel like they're being quote-unquote weak for being in touch with their emotions, which can lead to emotional unavailability.

Core Themes of Emotional Unavailability (8:45)

So, with that background in mind, what does being emotionally unavailable look like?

Well, there are a ton of articles on this with different illustrations and scenarios, but some of the core themes of an emotionally unavailable partner are someone who:

• Avoids commitment and intimacy
• Doesn't empathize with their partner's feelings
• And gets defensive easily.

And with those core pillars in mind, here's some examples of what emotional unavailability may look like in a dating scenario:

• They don't communicate consistently, and their behavior may be hot and cold from showing interest to you and then backing off.
• They avoid labels and deeper conversation.
• They don't like making plans and call the shots when you do hang out.
  • And usually, that hangout will be an activity that aligns with their typical routine.
  • So, an example might be that if you go over their house and they're cleaning, they're going to ask you to help them clean the house.
  • Or if you're hanging out to watch Netflix, they might just put on an episode of a show that you have never seen before in the midst of the series, and you have no idea what it's about.
• They also may reflect their feelings instead of offering their own.
  • So, you know, you might say something like, oh, I miss you, and someone emotionally unavailable may respond, I feel the same way.
  • Or even worse, they might just say, same.
• They may struggle to discuss their feelings and don't ask you about your feelings.
• They can't empathize and respond when you share your feelings.
• They're unclear what they want from a relationship.
• And they don't introduce you to people in their lives.

Emotional Unavailability’s Impact on Relationships (9:58)

And understandably, when we're dating someone emotionally unavailable, this negativity impacts the relationship.

We might be doing all the work, like we always have to text first, or else we don't hear from them, or we're the one trying to schedule dates. And from being kept at an arm's distance, or like we're being judged and rejected, we start to feel insecure and misunderstood.

And here's an excerpt from an Integrative Psychology article:

"Half of being understood is about your words landing, but the other half is about the person truly caring about how you're feeling and valuing your emotions. When Mr. Unavailable is the one you're investing emotionally in, you'll likely feel dismissed and misunderstood.

He may be quote-unquote listening to the words you're saying, but he isn't truly taking the energy to understand you, get to fully grasp how the situation you're sharing impacted you, and he may even get frustrated when you seem hurt by his lack of care. He may tell you that you're too needy and are complicated because quote-unquote he's trying. Hearing this can leave you feeling insecure and bad about yourself.

You may think you're feeling bad because of what he said about you needing too much, but really the insecurity is about the fact that you're engaging with someone who isn't giving you a feeling of safety and security."

Gay Men and Emotional Unavailability (11:03)

So now that we've heard all about the ins and outs of emotional unavailability, let's look at it through the lens of gay men. And this is where we circle back to childhood trauma.

Almost every episode, we talk about how many of us had to hide who we were since we were gay, growing up in a straight man's world. So right off the bat, we're forcing ourselves to confine to these molds of heterosexuality that don't feel natural to us, and we're repressing our authentic selves and our true feelings and emotions.

On top of that, we're adhering to the typical gender label of needing to be a macho man who's strong and not emotional. We're told that being gay and emotional is weak, which directly contradicts the image of the man we thought we were supposed to be.

And then, when we come out, we may be rejected from our family and friends, the people we're supposed to trust and be vulnerable with. And just like we talked about earlier, we might form an avoidant personality type to protect ourselves from being hurt.

And even if we aren't emotionally unavailable when we come out, we may date emotionally unavailable men who inflict emotional wounds upon us, which results in us becoming emotionally unavailable. It's a cycle of hurt that we've got to break, and it starts with who we date.

Why Are We Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable Men? (12:03)

The Gay Therapy Center states that if our parents were rejecting, neglecting, or scary, we might unconsciously be drawn toward that in relationships. And the reason for that is because familiarity is cozy.

Our relationships with our parents are the first relationships we have that teach us about love. And even if our parents weren't abusive, odds are they weren't able to consistently provide the emotional support we needed as gay boys.

Additionally, an article published by Phoenix Men's Counseling states that the drive to seek emotionally unavailable partners can also be codified by our first romantic relationship or our most significant one, which shapes the expectations that we'll bring into the next ones.

Signs You Might Be Emotionally Unavailable (12:39)

So, if our dating situations aren't working out, we may need to take a step back to check our own emotional availability.

And here's some signs that maybe we're the problem and that we're emotionally unavailable:

• We keep our options open
• Relationships feel like a job and drain us of our energy
• We withhold personal feelings or thoughts
• We're only attracted to people who are either far away or otherwise unavailable
• We're naturally distrustful
• We worry about losing ourselves in a relationship
• We equate drama with intimacy

You know, just because things feel quote-unquote exciting, it doesn't make it real. We might also cut off people at the drop of a hat, or we keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people.

Signs of Emotional Unavailability in Gay Men (13:16)

Additionally, looking at it in the lens of gay men, in 2016, Zachary Zane published an article in Pride titled 14 Signs You're an Emotionally Unavailable Gay Man. So, let's go through that list.

1. You're on Grindr nonstop.

Here's a quote:

"If you're on Grindr nonstop, you're not looking for a boyfriend. You're looking for sex. There's nothing wrong with that, but don't delude yourself into thinking that you're trying really hard to meet available and dateable guys because you're on Grindr 24/7.”

2. You nitpick every guy.

You know, I think we kind of talked about this in the Manifesting Mr. Right episode. We need to differentiate between major problems like them being an alcoholic or being a partier or not wanting what we want out of a relationship versus easier issues you can work on together, like, you know, coordinating schedules, or, you know, the article itself used an example of him having stubble that hurts your face when you kiss or something. Like, just get him to shave a little bit more instead of nitpicking him.

3. You blame the city and small dating pool.

And I've been attacked. Shots fired, Zachary Zane. And have you ever visited Pittsburgh?

4. You hit it and quit it.

Zane explains that there's nothing wrong with casual sex but claims if you're constantly sleeping with guys and then never seeing them again, that's actually a defense mechanism you use to not get close to them.

5. You're still dealing with internalized homophobia.

6. You're stuck on a past love.

7. You think nothing is ever your fault.

8. You think every ruined relationship is your fault.

9. You're playing hard to get.

And here's what Zane has to say about this:

"When you're playing hard to get, you're behaving both dishonestly and immaturely. Playing hard to get doesn't allow for a relationship to grow. It doesn't allow for you to be emotionally honest. It just coaxes someone into liking you for all the wrong reasons."

10. You're looking for someone who doesn't exist, aka Prince Charming.

11. You don't give men a chance.

12. You're too focused or stressed about other life factors.

13. You crave chaos but conflate it with excitement.

Which we already kind of talked about that.

And 14. You never allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Start Becoming Emotionally Available (15:10)

So, after hearing all this, maybe we realize we are emotionally unavailable or have a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men. So, what's next?

Well, if we are emotionally unavailable, here's what we need to do, according to ChoosingTherapy.com:

Get mindful of your emotional experience.

Noticing what you're feeling, allowing emotions to show up, and accepting their presence without judgment are important steps in becoming emotionally available. If needed, look up feelings-related words online or do some personal exploration around what certain emotions feel like for you.

Identify the causes of emotional unavailability.

While it's not always possible to know the exact causes of emotional unavailability, it's helpful if you can identify them as this allows for self-validation, processing, and reflection, which can make you more emotionally available down the line.

Practice opening up.

Once you're able to identify what you're feeling, try sharing this with others to demonstrate to yourself that opening up isn't necessarily dangerous. You can practice this gradually, starting by sharing wanted or positive emotions and work up to the heavier, less desirable ones. Or perhaps share with a trusted family member before moving on to sharing with your partner.

Talk to trusted people about emotions.

Having conversations with trusted people about emotions may also help increase emotional availability as it makes talking about emotions more comfortable. This may also allow you to hear how others express their emotions, so you have a template going forward.

And finally, take it slow.

Taking a relationship slowly is often the better alternative to abandoning them completely for people who are emotionally unavailable and have the urge to withdraw. Going slowly allows for the gradual learning that emotional vulnerability and intimacy are safe and can continue to be practiced.

And shocker, but therapy can also help with this.

Stop Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men (16:51)

But in addition to all that, it's also crucial that we spend time with people in healthy relationships and detach ourselves from unhealthy relationships.

If we are trying to become more emotionally available, but are wasting our time dating men who are emotionally unavailable, then we're not helping ourselves. And if we find ourselves in a situation where we are dating someone emotionally unavailable, we should start off by bringing up our concerns, describing their behaviors factually, and reflecting on how they make us feel.

And maybe we can ask if there's anything they need from us or anything we can do to support them in being more emotionally available. But realistically, we can't expect people to change, so I think the big thing here is you're going to have to evaluate the dating scenario and be honest with yourself and seeing if this is someone who is actually meeting your needs.

And it may be in your best interest to break up and work on your own emotional availability so you can find the relationship you want with someone who is emotionally available. And obviously, that could be a tough thing to do. Easier said than done.

But I thought this was a really important quote from The Gay Therapy Center:

"Dating a mean guy is one of the worst things you can do for your mental health and self-esteem. It takes a long time to get over loving a critical, emotionally unavailable man who doesn't apologize for hurting you. It is extremely hard, usually impossible to teach a mean man the skill of empathy."

And, you know, when I was putting these show notes together, I was really in the feels. You know, I was getting a little anxious, actually, because reading through a lot of these signs, I could relate it to a lot of people I've dated. And when I say date, I mean, like, gone on a date or talked to briefly. Not necessarily, you know, long-term dates, although there are a little signs in there, too.

But it just kind of reminded me of, you know, some of those, you know, flaky people who you never know when they're going to come and go. And it was really interesting to me, because the part about conflating drama with intimacy, it's true. I think when I was younger, there was always that excitement around getting the text from them or, you know, getting ready to hang out.

You know, I'd get the butterflies, but butterflies aren't necessarily a good thing, and I think we've talked about that before. I mean, sure, at the beginning, you're going to feel that you're going to get the gonna get that excitement but I think the excitement changes as you go on in a relationship and get to know somebody where you're still excited to see that person, but it's not necessarily as much of, you know, a physical reaction.

I think when you're constantly getting those butterflies, or your heart's racing over a text, or, you know, somebody showing up, I think that may be a sign that, you know, there's a little bit of a chase there, maybe. That we're not sure when they're going to come around, so when we get that text from them, or when they do show up, we get anxious, but we confuse that anxiety with excitement.

And I think there's something to be said that there's a calmer sense of excitement you feel with consistency when somebody is consistently showing up when they're consistently communicating with you.

Episode Closing (19:20)

And tying it to the tarot, I think it's really obvious. You know, the Seven of Wands is telling us that we need to speak up and be assertive for what we want and that directly ties to our relationships. If our needs aren't being met, if we have somebody who's not showing up consistently, we need to speak up.

You know, like we talked about earlier, maybe it is just starting off by bringing it up, expressing some concerns, seeing if there's anything we can do for our partner to help them or support them. But if, at the end of the day, they continue to be inconsistent and they're unwilling to change, and they're not taking our feelings into account, then we might need to take that masculine energy within Wands that we see and make a decision.

Maybe it's time for us to go. And while that can be really scary, I think it's the most important thing we can do because, like that quote said, dating somebody emotionally unavailable is the worst thing we can do for our mental health.

And while it may hurt in that moment, making that decision and leaving that person, ultimately, I think it's better to be hurt momentarily than to continue to be hurt day in and day out by somebody who's inconsistent and not putting your feelings forward, who's dragging you along, and then when that does eventually end, you've become emotionally unavailable yourself because you've been feeling rejected or kept at arm's distance, that you're afraid to open up and be vulnerable.

So now you've become emotionally unavailable yourself, and you can't even find a way to form that relationship you had hoped for because just being open with somebody feels too uncomfortable for you. So, we've got to put ourselves first and be a little selfish in that regard.

And you know, we closed off 2022 with creating our own closure. We opened up 2023 with learning to accept kindness. I think this is the next step in that. We need to take what we learned from those episodes and pair it with this to really be the healthiest versions of ourselves we can be so that we can attract those healthy people into our lives.

And you know, when we were younger, I'm sure we've dated those people who are emotionally unavailable, who weren't nice to us. Might have caused some wounds that we've had to work on, but we've gotten older, we've gotten wiser, and I think a lot of us know now we shouldn't be chasing those types of people.

And tying it to pop culture, you know, I love me some pop culture. There's this really great song by Tinashe from her album that came out in 2021, and it's called The Chase, and it really ties to this theme of not chasing people who are emotionally unavailable. So, I'm going to read through some of those lyrics to close this out:

“Didn't take long to decide

That I can replace your body

I made up my mind

I ain't gonna chase nobody

No, I never did that, no, I never did that

No, I never did that, no, I never will

Run back, baby, if you need that

But I won't guarantee that I want you still

I am one in a million

Made up my mind

I ain't gonna chase nobody”

So, I think those are really powerful words. The song is also really great, so I definitely suggest you listen to that. Actually, all of Tinashe's stuff is really great, so check out her discography.

Anyway. I hope this topic resonated with you, that you're feeling inspired and optimistic going forward. That you are ready to put your best foot forward for dating in 2023 and only attracting positive people into your life.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (21:53)

As always, if you have any questions or feedback, you can reach out to me, rob@ajadedgay.com. You can connect with the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and SoundCloud @ajadedgaypod.

You can also support the show becoming a monthly sponsor on Patreon for as little as $1 a month @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day's all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (22:41)

Additionally, an article published by Phoenix Men's Counseling states that the drive to seek emotionally unavailable partners can also be codified by our first romantic relationship or our most significant one, which shapes the expectations that we'll bring into the next ones. Oh, great, I'm fucked.