44. Forget Valentine's Day

Snarky Opener (0:00)

The only good thing about Valentine's Day is the discounted candy on February 15.

Episode Introduction (0:25)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I'm a non-jaded gay because I've just been working on trying to be a little financially smarter.

So, I've been looking at my budget, seeing where I've been spending unnecessarily, and trying to make some changes just to make sure I have a little bit more money at the end of every month.

Because I really want to pay down my student loans and just start saving up and have more of an emergency fund.

You know, finances are something that really stress me out. I mean, I'm pretty strict and structured when it comes to my spending, and I track everything.

So, I'm not, like, out here on a shopping spree like Cher Horowitz from Clueless, but at the same time, I do just worry I don't have enough money in case of an emergency.

So, it's something that really weighs on me, and I don't want to be as worried. I don't want to be as stressed over that.

So, I'm hoping by making some smarter decisions, swapping out some expenses, and kind of eliminating unnecessary spending, I'll be a little less stressed out and have a little bit more money in my pocket at the end of every month.

Forget Valentine’s Day (1:18) 

Anyway, from an aching wallet to an aching heart. Today, we are talking about Valentine's Day.

You know, it's the most dreaded time of the year for single people, and it makes sense.

I mean, we may already struggle with feeling loneliness for being gay in a heteronormative society, but then on top of that, maybe we're feeling lonely because we're single.

And then seeing all the Valentine's commercials and overemphasis on romance and annoying social media posts, it can make us feel even worse.

So, it's a tough day for some people, and we're gonna talk through it.

But first, tarot time.

Tarot (1:50) 

So, the card for this episode is the Two of Swords.

As you know, Swords is tied to masculine energy, so it's very action-oriented. It's linked to that element of air, which really has a lot to do with kind of our thoughts, structure, how we communicate.

And in numerology, number two is tied to duality, partnership, and making choices.

Now, the interesting thing with the Two of Swords is that in this card, we're seeing a woman who's blindfolded with her back to a rocky ocean and she's holding two swords across her chest.

And you can kind of think of this card as two ways. You know, with her being blindfolded and her back facing the ocean, you can either think of it as her not having all the information she needs to know in a situation when making a decision.

Or you can think of it as you know, water being our emotions and the swords being our truth and our action. And she's purposefully ignoring the ocean, purposely ignoring those emotions that may be irrational, which may cause us to react emotionally instead of logically.

She's choosing to tune all that out and instead is focusing on the swords in her hand. With the blindfold, she's kind of meditating and focusing on the logic and the rationality so she can make an informed decision.

So, you can kind of view it two ways, and I like the latter. I like to think of it as, you know, taking our emotions into account but not allowing them to dictate how we react.

Having us, you know, process those emotions, think through rationally, and take logical action.

And specifically, when it's tied to romance, this card is asking us if we might be ignoring red flags or refusing to make a decision regarding a partner or relationship.

So, the way I'm really processing this is, you know, the card is asking us to kind of tune out our emotions and really think through logically and trust our intuition to see how we're feeling about a partner or somebody we may be attracted to, and really kind of take the time to process is this somebody worth investing in?

Are there things that make me uncomfortable that may be red flags that maybe don't sit right with me? Because, again, at the end of the day, we need to trust our intuition.

We've talked about, you know, the butterflies before and all that. If you're having butterflies long-term into a dating situation, that's really not a good thing.

You know, yes, you should be excited to see your partner. But if it's an anxious excitement, maybe there's something there deeper you need to check into. Maybe something's not sitting right with you.

Maybe it seems like they're withholding information from you or keeping you at arm's length, or maybe it seems like they're emotionally unavailable.

This card is really asking us to take that all into consideration. Take the emotions out of it, and just think through logically. Does something not feel right?

And if it's not feeling right, then it's asking us to ultimately make a decision. Again, that decision shouldn't be from a place of emotion.

Your emotion should be processed, reflected, meditated on, and then make a logical decision. You need to take action to move forward to a place that serves you fully.

So, okay, deep breath. With that being said, let's talk about Valentine's Day.

Struggles with Romance (4:14)

You know, I think a lot of us grew up having specific expectations when it comes to romance.

You know, either through Disney movies or cheesy rom-coms or Valentine's Day commercials. And obviously, those aren't reality.

But I think when we're young and first dating, we have those expectations of what a relationship and romance should look like.

And especially on Valentine's Day, we might feel pressure for it to look a certain type of way. To do these big romantic gestures with our partner or something over the top.

And despite knowing that what we saw on TV isn't reality, it can still be hard to shake that perception.

My Valentine’s Day Fiasco (4:44)

For myself, personally, I really only had one quote-unquote big Valentine's Day with a guy I was dating. And this was, like, five or six years ago.

You know, I started dating this guy in November, and it was a bumpy ride. You know, the first month was okay, but then things took a turn.

Like we had met on Grindr back in the day when I used the app thinking it was the gay harmony. Plot twist: it's not.

But anyway, like I said, met him on there, and his profile said that he was, I think, 31 or 32. And then one day we were making out, and he's like, Yeah, I think I'm older than you think I am.

And I'm like, well, okay, how old are you since you can't remember the age you put in your Grindr profile? And it turns out he was, like, seven or eight years older than he told me.

So, he was 15 years older than me at the time. So, I was 23, and he was 38. And then, on top of that, it became evident that he had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

Like once he started drinking, he didn't want to stop. And like I said, I was 23 at the time, so I was going out to bars a bit more than I do now, but I'd end up having to babysit for him because he could not keep it together when he got drunk.

Anyway, there were ups and downs and some arguments in between. And then, a couple weeks before Valentine's Day, he casually said, if I bought you diamond earrings, would you wear them?

Because, remember, my ears are pierced. And even though I wasn't happy with that dating situation, what self-respecting gay boy is going to turn down diamond earrings?

Especially when you're a 23-year-old, broke grad student. But then I was like, shit, now I need to get him something big for Valentine's Day in return.

And I mean, it was becoming evident he was kind of materialistic and liked money, so I felt like I needed to do something equal to the diamond earrings.

So, I booked us a couples massage at this really nice massage place. And Valentine's Day was during the week that year, so I booked it for the weekend before.

So that Saturday, we go to our massage. It's pricey, it's great. And then after that, we go to his friend's party, which was a train wreck.

Everyone was wasted, and I think two people actually cheated on their spouses there.

Like all I know is that I walked by the bathroom and then two people walked out of there who were not in there with their significant others.

And people were talking and laughing about it on the porch. It was really awkward.

Anyway, this guy I was dating, he ended up kissing another guy in front of me and then tried to get me to kiss that guy, too, because he wanted to bring him back to his place for us to have a threesome.

Oh, my God. Go to church.

Sorry, buddy. Not gonna happen.

Oh, and I should probably mention this party his friend was hosting, it was for their kid's birthday party. How messed up is that?

Like, thank God the kids were downstairs in the playroom while the adults were upstairs being sloppy jalopy train wrecks. But, like, I was shocked. I this, this this was not the environment for me to be in.

Anyway, that night, we went home without the guy he was trying to have a threesome with. And this guy, he was really drunk, and he got mean. And when he got mean, he would say things to insult me.

Specifically, that night, he said that it bothered him that I can't afford to go out to the expensive restaurants he liked to go out to and that he didn't think things were going to work out between us.

And when I asked him why, he said, oh, you're too young to understand. So yeah, really glad I treated us to a couples massage just to endure all that afterwards.

Anyway, the next day, we had to talk because I was upset about that debauchery, and somehow, we made up. I don't know why. I was young. I was naive. I thought things could work out.

So then, a few days later, it's Valentine's Day. He picks me up from work, and we go back to my place because we were planning on just ordering Chinese food. Having a low-key night.

So, we order the food. And he's like, oh yeah, let me give you your gift.

So here I am, all excited. Like, push the tears and the heartache aside from the trauma you dealt with the previous weekend, and just like, deal with it because here comes your diamond earrings.

Well, then this fucker pulls out a dead rose. A single dead rose. Literally, its petals are falling off. And then a card saying Happy Valentine's Day. And then, even worse, the next day, he took the leftovers.

The audacity. Well, let me clarify that.

So, he asked me to drop off the leftovers at his work. So, I walked to his building with all this Chinese food in hand. But he wasn't even at his work yet because he was working off his hangover.

He was still at his apartment. So, he told me to leave the food with the security at the front desk, and it turns out they wouldn't take it. So, I had to bring it to my work and stuff it in the fridge.

And because of all this, I was late to my own job. And then, after work that day, I had to walk back over to his office when he was there and give it to him. And we ended up breaking up a couple weeks later.

But, don't you worry, I did get my diamond earrings eventually. Because a couple years after that, I was dating this guy, and that's when my anxiety got really bad.

The day after he broke up with me, I was hurting, and I went to the gym. And, it was 2019, for reference, 7 Rings by Ariana Grande was playing, and it triggered me.

So I went to Macy's, opened up a store credit card, and bought my own diamond earrings because, guess what, I'm my own sugar daddy.

But in all seriousness, looking back on that Valentine's Day fiasco, I realized how ridiculous the whole thing was.

Here I was dating someone I wasn't happy with who was hurting me, but I was desperate to make things work out, which I think is a theme with my dating life in general.

And with Valentine's Day on the horizon, I felt like it needed to be some big ordeal.

And yes, obviously, his line about the diamond earrings might have something to do with it, but for two months into that new dating situation, that would have been way too much.

But you know, there I was, 23 years old, and in my mind, I wanted a cutesy rom-com Valentine's Day because that's what I saw all around me. With my friends, with TV movies, commercials.

And I felt like, if I didn't have that, then what was wrong with me?

Don’t Conflate Big Shows of Affection with Love (9:39)

And I think we conflate the big shows of affection in rom-coms or on Valentine's Day with actual love.

But if you think about it, a lot of times in rom-coms, those big romantic gestures are being done to win someone back.

You know, the main character might have done something wrong or said something to lose their love interest, and then they show up at the train station or buy a big gift or something, and then everything's forgiven.

They make up and live happily ever after without actually addressing the issue. And if we put that in the scope of a relationship in real life, is that something we actually want from our partner?

Like, if our partner hurts us, do we want them to gaslight us with something big, thinking that offsets whatever they did to hurt us?

And also, when it comes to Valentine's Day, I'd rather have someone be thoughtful and do small romantic gestures throughout the year instead of giving me the bare minimum year-round and then doing something big and showy on Valentine's Day.

Like, I like the consistency.

Celebrate Platonic Love (10:27)

And aside from that, I think a lot of us think of love as purely a romantic thing, but think of the people we're closest with outside of romantic relationships. You know, our friends and our family.

And while it's a different type of relationship, there is still a love there. And why should Valentine's Day be reserved for only romantic love?

Why can't it just be about love in general? And why can't we use the holiday as a time to tell our friends and family how much we appreciate them?

You know, one of my friends told me that in recent years, he and his friends always hug each other goodbye and say, I love you.

It's a purely platonic thing, but it's a way that he and his friends express appreciation and gratitude for one another.

Also, putting it in the lens of Valentine's Day, my mom has always loved Valentine's Day, and we'd celebrate it as a family.

You know, she'd usually make a fancy dinner, and we'd have chocolate fondu for dessert after.

But the one thing that I really remember is in the weeks leading up to Valentine's Day, she'd put out a shoe box that she decorated with heart-wrapping paper and cut a slot in it so it mimicked a mailbox.

And next to the shoe box was hearts she had cut out from construction paper. And we were all supposed to take time out of our days and write down on the hearts one thing we loved about each other and then put them in the shoe box.

And then, after dinner on Valentine's Day, we'd take turns pulling out one of the Valentines and reading it at the table. And they were small things.

Like my sister might write, Rob, I love you for helping me with my homework. Or one of us might write, Mom, I love you for making our favorite dinner the other night.

And it might sound silly, but it was just a really nice time to read these affirmations about things we appreciated with one another.

Love Yourself on Valentine’s Day (11:50)

And while we're talking about platonic love, separate from romance, let's not forget about the importance of self-love.

You know, we've talked in quite a few episodes about how self-love can be a struggle for gay men. And if we're single on Valentine's Day, we might feel lonely and unloved.

But instead of wallowing in our singleness, why not use the day to show ourselves that we love ourself. Maybe treat yourself to a special dinner, or buy yourself a gift, or take a bath and have a spa night.

Just do something fun for yourself. You know, like I said, I got those diamond earrings for myself after a breakup.

The Valentine's Day after that, I also treated myself to a matching bracelet and Chipotle because you know I love Chipotle.

And with this ever-extending rant of an episode, I think it's important that if we're single, we learn to reframe Valentine's Day from a romantic holiday to just a day to celebrate love in general, in all forms.

Episode Closing (12:36)

So, take time today to love yourself and tell your friends and family you love them. And maybe avoid social media since seeing all those cute couple posts can be triggering.

And, you know, remember social media, it's a highlight reel of someone's life, and it doesn't show all the good or bad.

And tying it back to the tarot, with the Two of Swords, the woman pictured in the card, she has her back turned on the rough ocean, which it might be symbolizing extreme emotions.

And instead, with the blindfold on over her eyes, she has the two swords crossed over her chest because she is valuing logic and rationality over reacting purely based off of emotion.

So, let's kind of put that in the frame of Valentine's Day. You know, if we're single on Valentine's Day, maybe this is the time to really assess our dating patterns and how we're treating ourselves.

You know, turn your back on any lonely emotions you might be feeling associated with being single on Valentine's Day, and instead, think through logically.

Think of things you can do to show your family and friends that you love them. Think of ways that you can love yourself on Valentine's Day and doing something nice for yourself.

And if we're not single on Valentine's Day in the scope of a romantic relationship, let's think about this card as, you know, using the time to really assess our relationship with the person we're dating and how we celebrate Valentine's Day.

Is it falling into the trap of, you know, maybe we're dating somebody who, year-round, we get the bare minimum from, and then on Valentine's Day, they give us a card or a dead rose?

Is that really the partner we want? Is that really the relationship we want? And even beyond Valentine's Day, are there maybe red flags there that we're ignoring because we're afraid of being lonely?

You know, are we putting ourselves in a situation where we're generally unhappy but at least feel somewhat secure because we're in a relationship with somebody and not single?

Because if that's the case, then we need to assess if we actually feel fulfilled. Because ultimately, while you might be feeling secure by not being single, you could be holding yourself back in some ways.

Maybe you're not living up to be the person you want to be because you feel you have to water yourself down for this other partner.

Or maybe you're missing out on that truly great relationship because you're afraid of being single for a while and seeing what else is out there. So, take the time to reflect.

And regardless of your situation, use today as an excuse to be kind to yourself, to your friends, to everyone around you.

So, you know, maybe call your parent or a sibling or your chosen family and just let them know you love them. And do something nice for yourself. Maybe it's as simple as ordering Chipotle.

Or maybe buy yourself a little gift. It doesn't have to be anything major, but just something to treat yourself.

Because, again, Valentine's Day does not need to be purely romantic. It can be about just celebrating love in general, in all shapes and forms.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (14:48)

So, thank you all for listening. Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. If you have any questions or feedback, you can contact me rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and SoundCloud @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

You can also support the show on Patreon for as little as $1 a month @ajadedgaypod. It's greatly appreciated.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (15:40)

He took the leftover Chinese food. What kind of a sick bitch does that?