74. Unmask Your Trust Issues

Snarky Opener (0:00)

So, after suppressing who I was for 21 years and spending the last nine years trying to find out who I actually am, I'm expected to open up and trust other people? Game over.

Episode Introduction (0:29)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am still a jaded gay.

I think this is the third week in a row. It might be a new record of some kind. You know, when it rains, it pours. I was trying to meal prep today, making a new recipe.

I've been trying to do like keto, vegetarian meals. Not that I'm keto by any means, but I've just been trying to cut back on carbs during the week. And so, I found this recipe online.

It was an Indian dish, and I don't really like Indian food that much, but it looked pretty good, so I thought I'd give it a try. But I bought all the wrong ingredients.

I was rushing around trying to get it done with, like, five other things going on in the background. So, I was just setting myself up for failure already, and it turned out to be a mess.

I don't know what I did, but it did not come out like it was supposed to. I ended up having to literally just walk this pan of, this pan of a mess that I made.

And I can only blame myself, but I had to walk this pan all the way through the hallways of my apartment to the trash chute and just dump it. So now I don't have dinner for this week. I mean, I will.

I'll probably make like, a peanut butter sandwich or something, but, yeah, you know, she tried and she failed, but it'll turn around eventually, I guess.

But I'll just have to trust that everything works out, which is going to be hard to do, because...

Trust Issues (1:39)

Hey, trust issues, that's what we're talking about today. And if you remember, back in March, we covered abandonment issues.

And you know, since a lot of us grew up fearing rejection, we may have a tendency to struggle with intimacy, attachment, and emotional availability.

And in that episode, we briefly touched upon trust issues and daddy issues. So as a follow-up to that, we'll be taking a deeper dive into trust issues.

But first, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (2:07)

So, we drew the King of Swords, which we drew not that long ago. I think it was just two episodes prior we drew this.

So, it might be a little bit of a refresher for you, but as you remember Swords, it's tied to the element of air. It's all about communication, structure, truth, wisdom. Think of the Sword of Truth.

The pen is mightier than the sword, all that fun stuff. So, the suit of Swords, the element of air, it's very masculine energy, meaning it's action-oriented.

But the King himself is also representing masculine energy. And again, that's not based on gender binaries. It's because of the authoritative leader figure he represents.

So, this card is really calling us to take action, but we have to make sure that it's inspired action, and that we're being decisive and deliberate. The King of Swords, he's the final card in the suit.

So, within the Minor Arcana, we start with the Ace and with the King. So, it's signifying that we're at the end of our journey or cycle. And this King, he's really signifying intellectual ambition and leadership.

He's really asking us to stand firm in our truth and listen to our intuition for messages that can guide us and let us know when it's time to take action because, at the end of the day, we can be our own powerful leaders for our emotional well-being.

So, we really need to trust our inner voice and ha-ha, get the pun trust when we're talking about trust issues. Anyway, with that in mind, let's get into the episode.

What are Trust Issues? (3:17)

So, when I started doing research for this episode, I found a lot of very clinical definitions for what trust issues are, but surprisingly, the definition that sounded the most relatable and authentic came from, you guessed it, Urban Dictionary.

So here it is:

"When a person has trouble trusting others due to betrayal or other personal reasons, or are just lacking in trust due to an action or things the one on the receiving end are doing. This can be with anyone, from relationships to friendships or just plain strangers. Trust Issues cause a lot of issues in future events, and can cause disappointment and missing out on important situations in life."

Now, according to WebMD, trust is the reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something, and it's essential to the development of healthy, secure, and satisfying relationships.

So, when trust isn't as genuine or as honest as it should be, one or both partners may question the other's activities, words, or actions, and a lack of trust can form.

And when this lack of trust is present, it allows for the potential development of harmful thoughts, actions, or emotions such as negative attributions, suspicion, or, you guessed it, jealousy.

And partners with lower levels of trust tend to monitor and occasionally test their partner's degree of support and responsiveness in their relationship. So obviously, that's not sounding very healthy there.

In fact, according to Psych Central, chronic distrust can affect how you view yourself and all the relationships in your life.

And this may result in you frequently doubting that other people will come through on their obligations, or you may be afraid of getting too close to others, or feel suspicious when someone is kind to you.

So basically, my life in a nutshell. And this is interesting.

According to a 2019 Pew Research Center study, close to 71% of Americans believe people have less interpersonal confidence in one another today than they did two decades ago.

But why is that and what causes these trust issues? Is it as simple as just being burnt from a bad ex one too many times?

Well, turns out it goes back further than that.

Developing Trust in Childhood (5:13)

According to Psych Alive, our childhood experiences contribute to how much we tend to trust or mistrust others.

And you might remember that we talked about attachment styles last year and that John Bowlby's attachment theory suggests that humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond.

And how we attach is a result of how we were tended to by our caregivers. Well, in addition to Bowlby's work, psychologist Erik Erikson proposed that infants develop basic trust when they have successfully resolved the first psychosocial crisis or opportunity in life, the conflict between trust and mistrust.

So, a baby being raised by adults who respond consistently in trying to meet its needs develops trust by the end of the first year.

And Erikson asserted that the critical factor at this stage of development was the ratio of trust to mistrust.

And unsurprisingly, high levels of trust in children are closely related to secure attachment patterns.

And going back to our attachment boy, Bowlby, he concluded that basic trust is absolutely necessary for the healthy psychological development of the individual throughout the lifespan, but negative experiences in childhood can contribute to the children's mistrust and lack of confidence.

For example, having parents whose actions don't correspond to their words or who have inconsistent responses. These double messages confuse children and play havoc with their sense of reality.

In fact, children learn to distrust their perceptions in social interactions when they have been confused and mystified by double messages experienced in their family.

Additionally, GoodTherapy.org notes that in teenage years, social rejection, bullying, and betrayal can also shape a person's ability to trust.

And self-esteem plays a huge role in a person's ability to trust, with low self-esteem levels correlating to being less likely to trust.

And I'm sure, just from going through those examples, you can draw some ties to how this can affect someone who's LGBTQ+.

You know, growing up, our parents tell us that they'll love us no matter what, but when we come out, they may not actually accept us, and then suddenly their love is conditional. So, it's a double message.

They say one thing but mean another. And then obviously we may face bullying or rejection from our peers and adolescents who have identified our own otherness before we even recognize our own sexuality.

And those are just factors from childhood that can negatively impact our ability to trust.

Developing Trust Issues in Adulthood (7:25)

Traumatic life events may also cause issues with trust and safety for adults, like:

• Being in an accident
• Suffering from an illness
• Being robbed or having our personal property damaged
• Losing a loved one
• Or being cheated on or left for another person

And with all of that said, I don't think anyone will be surprised to learn that trust issues can be linked to:

• Depression Adjustment disorders, such as difficulty dealing with certain stressors
• Anxiety
• Fear of abandonment
• Attachment issues
• Post-traumatic stress
• And schizophrenia

Also, I found this pretty interesting. In 2005, researchers explored the close relationship between trust and the need for control and found that when you don't feel a sense of control, you're less likely to form positive expectations of others, which is a key feature of trust.

And the reason why you may not feel in control depends on your past circumstances. But with that being said, what do trust issues look like?

Common Signs of Trust Issues (8:17)

Well, here are some common signs:

• You don't believe what people say, and you have a tendency to quote-unquote fact-check what others tell you
• You always expect the worst and are suspicious of other people's motives and behaviors
• You may also have a tendency to only focus on the negative
• You keep people at a distance
  • So, you may struggle with opening up and being vulnerable to someone, and some people may even struggle with physical intimacy
• You might also feel like you have to do everything on your own and you can't rely on other people to follow through
  • And as a result, this can lead to perfectionism, stress, and overwork
• You might hold on to grudges and struggle to forgive or trust someone who let you down
• You keep to yourself, instead of risking trusting someone else and being hurt by them
• You have a fear of abandonment, and may smother people you care about to avoid losing them
• And you may actually have a pattern of finding yourself in relationships with untrustworthy people

And I think we talked about this in the emotional unavailability episode, but we have a tendency to gravitate towards situations that feel familiar.

So, when you expect a certain thing to happen, in the case of having trust issues, being betrayed, your subconscious mind will seek out those situations.

And when I was reading through that list, I instinctively pictured those examples in the scope of a romantic relationship.

Trust Issues in Various Types of Relationships (9:28)

But trust issues can actually manifest in three different types of relationships. So, I'm going to read through these. And this comes from VerywellMind.com:

Friendships

Just as people have trust issues with romantic relationships, they might also struggle with trusting their friends. Difficulty trusting friends might stem from a fear of disappointment or betrayal.

Being let down by people in the past can make it hard to open yourself up to trusting friends again in the future.

Workplace Relationships

There are many reasons why someone might not trust co-workers. They might be concerned that their co-workers are conspiring against them, for instance, or just assume that trusting coworkers is not that important.

And Lastly, Romantic Relationships

People with trust issues often struggle to rely on or believe in their romantic partners.

This can lead to a range of problems in relationships, including trust-related infidelity, unwillingness to commit, and difficulty apologizing when trust has been broken.

Common Types of Trust Issues (10:21)

Also, according to Talkspace, these are four common types of trust issues:

Number one is jealousy

Which can cause even bigger relationship problems. If one person is jealous, they may feel the need to know where their partner is at at all times. Or worse, they might not want to ever be without their partner.

They may feel threatened by third parties and have a tendency to be smothering, overbearing, controlling, possessive, and often can anger easily.

Number two, and this is going to be a toughie to pronounce, so bear with me here, pistanthrophobia

This is the fear of being able to trust others, and it's more common in romantic partnerships, and can result in an excessive and typically irrational fear about one's partner or about a specific situation or activity.

It's important to point out that this doesn't engage a rational thought process.

Those who experience it have likely never truly encountered any of the dangers or threats they fear, but their perception is so real that they might cope through avoidance or distancing.

Next is the broken partner picker

And this results in someone who doesn't trust themself. The lack of trust really doesn't have anything to do with their partner at all. Still, it can cause great harm to the relationship.

If your partner is this type of person, you'll have to deal with them never feeling satisfied in your relationship.

They don't trust their own choices, and they probably have a near constant grass is always greener perception of the world. They'll always wonder if something better is around the corner.

And then lastly, there's more wrong than right

People who see things this way will focus on finding everything that's wrong with their partner or relationship.

They're overly critical and continuously pick apart their partner or find reasons why their relationship isn't a good fit and will never be successful.

They don't even need to have something specific wrong. They often just have a general sense of mistrust, which can be problematic for obvious reasons.

Trust Issues in Romantic Relationships (12:01)

Now, with all that being said, we are going to focus on trust issues as it pertains to romantic relationships.

So, these types of trust issues result in romantic jealousy, which is a complex combination of thoughts, which is also known as cognitive jealousy; emotions, emotional jealousy; and behaviors, or behavioral jealousy.

And these result from a perceived threat to our romantic relationship. So, let's break those down a bit.

Cognitive jealousy is tied to our rational or irrational thoughts, worries, and suspicions concerning a partner's faithfulness.

Meanwhile, emotional jealousy refers to our negative feelings in response to a jealousy-evoking situation.

And lastly, behavioral jealousy involves detective/protective measures we may take, such as going through our partner's belongings or looking through their text messages or emails.

So unsurprisingly, trust issues not only mess with our emotional and physical well-being, it can negatively impact our relationships.

Someone with trust issues will be worried most of the time, which then places a great deal of pressure and strain on the relationship.

They may need lots of reassurance from their partner, or else they might think that their partner doesn't love them, or is doing something behind their back, or that they're angry with them.

And as a result, the relationship will stop feeling emotionally safe. So, someone whose partner has trust issues may feel like:

• They're walking on eggshells
• Their partner is always upset with them
• Their partner doesn't respect them enough to trust them
• Or they might feel exhausted from having to provide constant reassurance or affection

Gay Men and Trust Issues (13:25)

And tied to that, as we talked about in the past, many gay men have serious abandonment issues. Like we covered in that episode.

Most gay men are not conscious of this, but from a very early age, they're pegged to be gay and are actually treated differently by family and friends.

And therefore, most people who suffer from abandonment issues have big trust issues and may be clingy, needy, guarded, or aloof.

Now, while I wasn't able to find any studies specifically about rates of trust issues among gay men, I think it's safe to assume that because of how we were treated differently growing up gay, along with rejection and bullying from our peers, many of us may have at least a touch of trust issues.

And like I've said in the past, it creates this cycle of hurt where maybe we already have a bit of trust issues, but we're still trying to be vulnerable and date someone.

But then the guy we've been dating has his own trust issues from his upbringing and maybe some from past relationships, and if he hasn't put in the work, he may be bringing his emotional baggage into the mix, and we get burned.

And then that bad dating scenario now contributes to our own trust issues, and we may start bringing our own baggage to a new dating situation and impact that person.

So, it goes over and over, cycle after cycle. We're just hurting each other. And we've got to do something to actively address this because trust issues will not go away or heal on their own.

So how do we do that?

Heal from Trust Issues (14:40)

Well, I'm sure the number one answer will shock no one, but go to therapy. Specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT.

And I think we've mentioned this before, but CBT is a type of talk therapy that believes our thoughts influence behavior.

So, a therapist using CBT may be able to help you get to the root of your trust issues by teaching you new ways of thinking to combat negative feelings, helping you separate past problems from future fears, and building your confidence to rebuild trust in existing relationships.

Beyond that, there are some things we can do in our day-to-day lives, to allow ourselves to open up and learn to trust others. For starters, find a place for trustworthy people in our life.

So, identify one small area in your life that you can use as an emotional starting off point with someone new.

So maybe that means opening up to them about your favorite hobby or something meaningful about your family. This is also a way to take a safe, emotional risk with someone.

And be sure to take them at their word instead of doubting them. Next, take your time getting to know people, since many people with trust issues have a tendency to trust too quickly, which has caused them to be hurt.

Also avoid the temptation to snoop or spy, since this could become an obsessive behavior that will only make your trust issues worse.

Journal or talk to your friends about any patterns of trust issues in your life to help yourself reflect on the potential root cause of your trust issues.

Assess your own behaviors and make sure you're trustworthy yourself. And you can do this by being open about your own feelings, opinions, thoughts, and limits.

Also, learn to distinguish the difference between control and trust. Like we said, people with trust issues often have a need for control, which can manifest as mistrusting behavior.

So, learning how much control you should yield in a given situation is key to building trust with other people. And also acknowledge your trust issues and validate your feelings.

While we may want to blame others for our trust issues, we need to take responsibility for the role we played in developing those behaviors.

Now this doesn't mean we have to like or accept it, but we need to understand the presence of an issue so we can address it.

And it may be helpful to write out a list why we distrusted someone so we can take a step back from distorted thinking and ask ourselves if our feelings of distrust have a concrete basis.

Enhancing Trust in Romantic Relationships (16:44)

And when it comes to romantic relationships, there are four general principles for enhancing trust. And these come from Psych Alive, so I'm just going to read them straight from the site:

Number one, honesty and integrity

Strive to be more honest and transparent in all your personal interactions. This requires taking the trouble to really know yourself and perhaps to face parts of your personality that may be unpleasant.

However, this increased self-knowledge will enable you to gradually develop more trust in yourself and in your thoughts, feelings, and values.

Living with integrity according to your values and principles makes you a person worthy of trust as well.

Number two, non-defensiveness

Learn to be less defensive in communicating with your partner. Being non-defensive means that you have a realistic view of yourself and your partner, and are open to hearing feedback.

Look for the kernel of truth in any feedback or criticism you receive from your partner. You may discover that you are overly sensitive to criticism about certain subjects, yet are open to discussing other subjects.

In a long-term relationship, partners learn quickly which subjects are quote-unquote taboo and stop bringing them up in their conversations.

However, this is precisely the kind of censorship that leads to mistrust and tension in a relationship.

Number three, understanding

Accept and appreciate the differences between you and your partner, rather than allowing these differences to denigrate into disagreements that foster distrust.

Mature love involves an appreciation and respect for the uniqueness of the other person. This means seeing your partner as a separate individual with his or her own opinions and views.

And lastly, direct communication

Become more aware of any discrepancies between your words and actions. This type of self-awareness enables partners to develop increased trust in each other.

To enhance this mutual trust, partners also need to learn how to communicate their desires and wishes more directly.

When people are straightforward in asking for what they want in an intimate relationship, they feel more vulnerable and open to both loving and being loved.

And when it comes to communicating, just a general rule of thumb, it's always better to communicate with "I felt" statements.

Like I felt disappointment when you didn't show up on time, because this assigns ownership to your feelings, rather than solely blaming the other person.

Processing a Betrayal of Trust (18:50)

But despite this, it is inevitable that we may experience betrayals of trust. And this doesn't have to be a big thing like infidelity, but something smaller like someone not showing up for something on time.

So, depending on what it is, you should allow people the chance to change. In fact, giving someone the opportunity to prove themselves is the best way to rebuild trust with someone.

So, communicate openly and calmly about the issue and set clear expectations. And if that habit that breaks trust continues after that, it may be time to reconsider that relationship.

And also allow yourself time, if your trust was broken. No matter what, it's going to take some time without further betrayal for trust to be earned back.

And lastly, process your pain. This goes hand in hand with understanding the root cause of our trust issues, whether they stem from hurt, betrayal, abuse, or something else from the past, acknowledging the experience is key to being able to move on from it.

Episode Closing (19:41)

And rounding out the episode, Choosing Therapy encourages us to remember that we are in control of our trust issues.

So, I'm going to close it out with this insight:

“You may spend time thinking about what the other person should do to build or maintain your trust. In reality, you control your trust issues. If you let your paranoia, doubt, and questioning soar, trust issues will increase. If you can manage these issues, you will find your trust improves, regardless of what the other people do.”

And with that in mind, tying it back to our tarot, King of Swords.

Like we talked about, this is a very authoritative leader figure, and really, it's letting us know that we can be the leaders of our own lives, but we need to trust our intuition and our own voice to discern what's true so we can take decisive actions moving forward.

So, we need to be mindful of our interactions with others. Are we allowing our paranoia or distorted thinking to get the best of us and have us doubt other people when really, they may not be giving us a reason to doubt them?

Or is there actually an issue there that needs to be addressed?

It's going to be a very unique and personal answer for any type of situation, whether it's friendship, co-worker dynamic, or a romantic relationship.

But really, we need to be in touch with ourselves and know that we can take the right action to address any of those issues and know what's best for us.

At the end of the day, we know what we want, what we need, and what we will accept.

So, we need to take the time to allow ourselves to be intuitive and be in touch with our inner leader to govern the action we need to take forward to bring about those outcomes we want and really forge and maintain healthy relationships.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (21:04)

So as always, thank you for listening. I hope you found this helpful. If you have any questions or feedback, please feel free to reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

Also, take some time to check out the website ajadedgay.com. Also take the time to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast. Five stars only, please.

You can connect with a podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That's @ajadedgaypod.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (22:05)

Number two, and this is going to be a toughie to pronounce, so bear with me here.

Pistant. Pistant-throw, phobia. Pistant-throw. Pissant-throw-phobia. Pistanthovia.

Gosh, almighty. Pistant-theropia? Pistant-through phobia. Pistantrophobia.