77. Coming Out

Snarky Opener (0:00)

So, I don't know what Diana Ross was singing about, but my coming out was not that kind of joyful celebration.

Episode Introduction (0:26)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and today, I am a non-jaded gay because I bought a house. Actually, this was a little while ago.

A little late on the sharing here, but better late than never. Yeah, I bought a house in Philly. So, I'm, like, actually in, like, the city of Philly now, not just on the outskirts.

And it's exciting, but also terrifying, because I wasn't quite ready to buy a house just yet. Like, in my mind, it was going to be, you know, winter, spring, a little bit on the horizon.

But just with the apartment, it was not the right fit for me, and really, you know, I kind of just needed my own space to really feel settled. So, I'm hoping that now that I own something of my own, and I have my own space here, I'll start feeling more settled and more part of the city and like I belong here.

Because since I moved here, I just have not felt that. So, it's very scary because now I'm thinking, oh my gosh, everything that can go wrong, finances, this and that. But I'm trying to take it all in ease and just enjoy my time in the house and my space here.

So, there's been some hiccups along the way. You know, like the week after I moved in, I found out I needed a brand-new roof, which cost more than I thought I'd need. Surprise.

But, you know, she's here, she's persevering. And this is also my first time recording in the new house, so I hope that everything sounds great audio-wise.

I'll find out soon enough when I edit this. And it kind of sucks, just because when I was in my apartment that I moved to, I feel like I had just gotten to a space where I figured out, like, how to make the sound okay and stuff.

Because when I first moved in, the first few episodes of those were a little not great. Kind of hollow-sounding and echoey. So now I'm in a new space and trying out a new recording studio, quote unquote here.

So, let's see how it goes. Anyway, onto the episode.

Coming Out (2:07) 

As many of you may know, tomorrow is National Coming Out Day. So, what better time to talk about coming out? And we're going to get into it. But first, you know the drill. Let's pull that tarot card.

Tarot (2:22) 

So, the card for this episode is the Ace of Cups. And Cups is tied to the element of water and signifies emotions, feelings, love, and intuition.

So, you can think of it as emotions flowing freely like water. And it's feminine energy, which is meditative in nature.

So, it's really asking us to reflect and look inwards. And as you may remember, each suit in the tarot starts with an ace. So, it's number one, and it's indicating a new journey or beginning.

And the number one is also tied to the individual. And in traditional tarot depictions, aces show a hand delivering their respective elemental energy.

So, for the Ace of Cups, we see a hand emerging from the clouds, delivering a golden chalice with water flowing over the sides. Again, tied back to our emotions flowing freely.

So, when we draw this card, we're being offered the love gift, which can arrive in many forms, including self-love. It's telling us that divine love and compassion are flowing through us.

So now is a perfect time to open our hearts and experience the rich flow of emotion. And if we do that, we'll be more receptive to new opportunities and connections.

And with that in mind, get ready to kick down the closet door because we're coming out, baby.

The History of Coming Out (3:28)

But the first thing, we're going to kick it off with is a vocabulary lesson. And this comes from Dictionary.com.

Coming out, historically, had been used as a debut into society, especially a formal debut by a debutante. And that's when quote-unquote, well-bred young women were introduced to society in the world of eligible bachelors. Ew.

But it also refers to coming out of the closet, which is one's acknowledgment and public disclosure of a sexual orientation or gender identity that does not conform to socially defined norms.

Now, according to a 2017 Time article, scholars say the first use of the term coming out didn't refer to gay people coming out to the wide world, but rather gay people coming out to other gay people.

And in his book Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World, historian George Chauncey claims that before World War II, an elite group of gay men came out at drag balls modeled after the debutante balls in the nation's biggest cities.

In fact, a spring 1931 article published in Baltimore Afro American said, "the coming out of new debutantes into homosexual society was an outstanding feature of Baltimore's eighth annual frolic of the pansies."

However, it wasn't until decades later, probably closer to the 1960s and 70s, during the gay liberation movement, that LGBTQ+ people would start coming out to people publicly outside of the community.

Coming Out of the Closet (4:50)

Now, regarding coming out of the closet, it's not exactly clear where this metaphor came from or how it came to be associated with coming out.

But it appears to not have been widely used until around the 1960s. And while this phrase wasn't used widely before then, gay people did use other metaphors. Here's an excerpt from Chauncey's book:

"Many gay men, for instance, describe negotiating their presence in an often-hostile world as living a double life, or wearing a mask and taking it off. Each image suggests not gay men's isolation but their ability, as well as their need to move between different personas and different lives, one straight, the other gay, to wear their hair up, as another common phrase put it, or let their hair down.

Many men kept their gay lives hidden from potentially hostile straight observers by putting their hair up, in other words, but that did not mean they were hidden or isolated from each other. They often, as they said, dropped hairpins that only other gay men would notice."

So again, you can see how pre-World War II era, coming out was more so gay men's debut to gay society, and then during the gay liberation movement, coming out was more about coming out publicly to people outside of the LGBTQ+ community.

And the gay liberation movement actually draws some of its roots from the post-war era.

How WWII Shaped LGBTQ+ Visibility in America (6:05)

For starters, the draft brought together Americans nationwide and shipped them abroad together.

And according to Charles Kaiser, author of The Gay Metropolis: The Landmark History of Gay Life in America, this created the largest concentration of gay men inside a single institution in American history.

Additionally, in a 2017 American Psychology Association article titled A Brief History of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Social Movements, author Bonnie J. Morris explains that many minds were opened during wartime because many LGBTQ+ people were tolerated in military service in the United States, while at the same time, gay people were being sentenced to death in concentration camps during the Holocaust.

Here's a quote:

"The increasing awareness of an existing and vulnerable population, coupled with Senator Joseph McCarthy's investigation of homosexuals holding government jobs during the early 1950s, outraged writers and federal employees whose own lives were shown to be second class under the law, including Frank Kameny, Barbara Gittings, Allen Ginsberg, and Harry Hay."

Now, going back to the phrase coming out of the closet, there are a few theories as to where this may have come from. It may have been used initially because many men who remained quote unquote covert thought of their homosexuality as a sort of skeleton in the closet.

Or it may have come from outsiders who viewed it that way. But it appears to have been a result of a mixture of two metaphors: a debutante proudly stepping into the arms of a community and a shocking secret being kept in hiding.

National Coming Out Day (7:33)

Anyway, fast forward to October 11, 1988, Richard Eichberg, a psychologist, and Jean O'Leary founded National Coming Out Day to raise awareness of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender community and its civil rights movement.

And they chose this date because it marked the anniversary of the second major March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, which took place the year before.

And I think we talked about this in the ACT UP episode, but the October 11, 1987, March on Washington called for President Ronald Reagan to address the HIV and AIDS epidemic.

Now today, National Coming Out Day is observed throughout the US and even some other countries around the world.

Coming Out is Important for Our Mental Health (8:10)

And according to the American Psychological Association, coming out is often an important psychological step for LGBTQ+ people.

In fact, research has shown that feeling positively about one's sexual orientation and integrating it into one's life fosters greater well-being around mental health.

This often involves disclosing one's identity to others, which may also entail participating in the gay community.

And being able to discuss one's sexual orientation with others also increases the availability of social support, which is crucial to mental health and psychological well-being.

But obviously, that's easier said than done. Coming out is a very individualistic and unique experience for all of us, and there's often many factors we have to take into consideration.

And coming out doesn't adhere to a specific timeline. Every journey is different. However, there are a few stages of the coming out process.

Three Stages of Coming Out (9:02)

In 2012, the National Sexual Violence Resource Center published a white paper titled The Process of Coming Out. In it, they outlined three stages of the coming out process.

The first is coming out to yourself.

And this is a beginning period where individuals ask themselves questions and move toward coming out to themselves and potentially making the decision to tell others.

Additionally, Skidmore College has this to say about this stage:

"This part of the coming out process involves becoming consciously aware of one's feelings for and attractions to people of the same sex or to people of both sexes if one is bisexual. Accepting those feelings and attractions may involve quote-unquote unlearning myths, misinformation, and stereotypes that one has been taught by society about people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual.

Acceptance may also involve grieving for the loss of one's heterosexual identity (i.e., feeling that one will never get married or have children, realizing they may not have the perfect church wedding their parents dreamed of for them, etc.).

Another aspect of this stage may be working through one's fears about how others may react to their sexual orientation and fears about the possibility of rejection by family and friends. Developing a positive self-image is a crucial part of the coming out process.”

So then, the next step is coming out to others.

And this is pretty self-explanatory. This is when someone is actively talking for the first time about sexual orientation or gender identity with family, friends, co-workers, classmates, and others.

And then the final stage is living out.

And this is an ongoing phase after initially telling the people closest to you. You can now tell new people that come into your life when it feels safe.

And again, that sounds simple enough, but it isn't. We all come from different backgrounds and we may have preconceived notions of how our coming out may be received from family and friends.

And yes, there are risks of coming out, such as invalidation by non-affirming people, rejection, possibly even by those who are close family members or friends, and confirmation of worry that you would get hurt during the process.

And also, coming out isn't a one-time event. It's a continuous journey because you're always essentially coming out to someone as new people enter your life.

But while it can be scary, coming out is good for our mental health. However, coming out is obviously an individual experience, and all of our circumstances are unique.

So, for those of you who may not be out, how do you go about coming out if that's something you want to do?

How to Come Out (11:22)

Well, in 2019, Healthline published a great article titled 20 Things to Know Before You Come Out and How to Go About It.

And out of all their tips, I think the most important one is to consider your safety. The article suggests by determining which parts of your life feel safe to come out in.

Choose to start coming out to people who you feel you'll be safe and accepted by. And make sure you consider the overall tolerance level of your individual communities.

You know, for example, are there anti-discrimination policies at my school and work? Are there any laws protecting me from discrimination? In my community, how do people treat openly queer people?

And then get a sense of how receptive the audience will be before you tell them. And you can do this by making an educated guess based on how they react to other queer people, such as queer people you personally know, celebrities, or even fictional characters.

So, from there, once you've assessed the landscape and feel safe and are ready to come out to a trusted person, you may wonder how. What is the best way to come out?

Well, Planned Parenthood has an excellent answer to this question. And here it is:

"There's no quote-unquote right way to come out. The way you come out has only one rule. It should feel right to you. You may decide to have an in-person conversation with the person or people you want to come out to, or you might decide that it's better to write an email or letter.

If you're talking face to face, pick a time and place that makes you and them feel relaxed without distractions. Writing a letter or email can be a good option if you're worried about saying things the right way, if you want to give the person time to think through their response, or if you don't feel comfortable talking in person.

Don't worry if the person you come out to doesn't react the way you'd hoped right away. Sometimes, it takes a while for people to adjust. What you've told them might be surprising or unexpected for them. They might just need some time to process it before they give you their support."

And again, coming out can be really scary, and it's an individual decision each person has to make for themself.

The Importance of Coming Out (13:14)

But I do think, now more than ever, it is important to come out. Like it's a double-edged sword because it is a scarier time for LGBTQ+ people because of these extremist politicians that are targeting the community.

So, it may not feel as safe of a climate to come out in now. But at the same time, that's why it's so important to come out because we need representation and we need voices to speak up saying that we're not going away.

And The Gay Therapy Center makes a really good point:

"Coming out does take bravery, but without bravery, we'd still be huddling in windowless bars, running from police, and marrying people we weren't attracted to."

Coming Out Later in Life (13:51)

And I think in recent years, LGBTQ+ people have been coming out at younger ages. And I was 21 when I came out, and some people thought that was on the older side of the spectrum for coming out.

Then, other people thought I was still young when I came out, so I don't know. But either way, it's great that the younger generation feels more empowered to be open about their identities.

But because of this, some older generations may feel they're too old to come out. And personally, I believe you are never too old to come out.

In fact, Psych Central published an article about coming out later in life and lists the following pros about it, which include:

• Having financial independence, not dependent on others for resources
• Living separately from your family
• Having distance and privacy
• Having the ability to seek out online or in person resources without needing a caregiver’s permission
• For trans and nonbinary people, the ability to change legal documents or pursue gender-confirming medical care without needing a caregiver’s permission
• And ultimately decreased stress of hiding self

So again, if you're listening to this and identify as LGBTQ+ but aren't out yet, maybe consider coming out if it feels safe and right to do so for you.

And also, if you need some more literature, the Trevor Project has a coming-out handbook on their site, which I've linked in the episode description.

It's a great resource that covers topics including gender identity, sexual orientation, attraction, questioning, and other topics involved in the coming out process.

And honestly, I think it can help you put words to your thoughts so you can feel more confident when you come out. You know, I wish I had known about this all those years ago when I came out.

My Coming Out Experiences (15:21)

And speaking of, if you want to hear about my own personal coming out story, which was a disaster, head on over to Patreon. I've added a bonus episode about that.

I'm trying to put more bonus content on there. I know I haven't been doing much with Patreon lately. It's mostly just been the ad-free episodes a day early, but I am starting to add some bonus stuff in there as we go.

So, check it out. And again, you can access that for as little as $1 a month. So, hope you enjoy that, and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Again, I know I've said this a few times, but for me, coming out was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I don't even know if I was ready to when I did, but I do think it's really important. Especially if we're trying to create change and make progress when it comes to LGBTQ+ rights and equality.

It's important to be out and raise our voices to create the change our community so desperately needs.

Episode Closing (16:06)

So, if you're already out, then I hope this episode made you feel more empowered being out and proud.

And if you're not out, I hope this episode can point you in the direction of some resources to help you weigh your options about if coming out is right for you.

And I'd also love to hear your coming out stories, so feel free to send them to me via email or DM me on Instagram.

And going back to the tarot. Ace of Cups. We are feeling the emotions, the feelings, the love, and that includes self-love. We receive this gift from the divine, whatever you want to call it.

God, the universe, energy, whatever. We're receiving this gift that is telling us that love and compassion are flowing through us. And that could be love and compassion for others or love and compassion for ourselves.

So, I think we really need to take that wherever we're at in our stage of the coming out process. For somebody who's already been out for a while, make sure that we're checking in with ourselves and still showing ourselves self-love and compassion.

Because even though we're out, and that's freeing, it's still hard being an LGBTQ+ person. And if you're not out, then maybe the Ace of Cups is telling you to nurture yourself with that self-love and compassion you need to make the right decision for yourself, whether or not that is to come out.

But above all else, remember you need to do what's right for you. So, whether you're out or not, that is a decision you need to make. And always, always, always make sure you're safe before coming out.

And that's not just for the first time; that's to anyone that comes into your life.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (17:21)

So, as always, thank you for listening. I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd really appreciate a five-star rating. Quick news flash. I actually got the first one-star rating for the podcast on Apple Podcasts, and I believe it was probably either a conservative because they found me on YouTube, or maybe one of my disgruntled exes.

I don't know. I think I have a hint of who it might be, but really sucks because it brought down my rating from a solid five to a 4.8. So, if you have a few minutes, I'd really appreciate if you could go over to Apple Podcasts, give it a five-star rating.

If you feel so inclined, give it a review. I'd love to hear that. Also, feel free to let me know your coming-out stories. Or if you have any questions, reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com.

You can also check out the website ajadedgay.com, where we've got links to merch, episode notes, guest information, all that fun stuff. So, check it out.

You know the drill, too. You can follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud, and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless.

Also, like I teased earlier in the episode, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. You get access to ad-free episodes a day early.

You'll also start getting the bonus content since I'm starting to roll that out. And you also get a T-shirt like, what more could you want? So, check it out. Greatly appreciate the support.

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.