78. Ghosting

Snarky Opener (0:00)

So, for Halloween this year, I'm going to dress up as a ghost.

So, I'm going to wear a snapback and a bad attitude so I look like my ex. Boo.

Episode Introduction (0:27)

Hello my, LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless and, today, I am a jaded gay because I had kind of a weird morning.

So, I normally wake up really early in the morning to go to the gym. No big deal. But I heard my phone go off, like, 30 minutes before my alarm, and I looked over and I saw that my phone was ringing.

So, I just, like, sent it to voicemail. No big deal, right? Well, then it starts ringing again. So now I'm like, all right, is there an emergency? What's going on here?

And I look over and I don't have the number in my phone, but it is a Philly area code. So, I'm not sure what's going on.

I decided to answer the phone just to be on the safe side because obviously sending them to voicemail, that didn't stop them.

So, I answer the phone and it's like this guy on the other line who sounds kind of flustered, and he's like, oh, like Rob? And I was like, hello?

And I don't know what he was saying, but it sounded like he was saying that he, he had ordered an Uber for me, or somebody that used my name and said to text that number to let them know when they ordered the Uber for them.

And it, I'm pretty sure he said it was somebody from Grindr, which, full disclosure, I am not on any dating apps, let alone Grindr. Like I have not been on Grindr in years.

So, if you're on any apps out there and you see quote-unquote me on any of the apps, like, report them immediately. I'm not on any apps, there's your disclosure right there.

So, I don't know if it was just a random, weird call whatever, or if somebody was on one of the apps and was pretending to be me and sent them my phone number and tried to get an Uber scheduled.

I don't know, but at 3:30 in the morning, nothing good can be going on. And so, it was just really weird.

And then I got a little concerned, because I'm like, all right, if somebody's, like, using my face and my phone number out there, like, I want to know what's going on.

So later this morning, like, 9:30 more reasonable hour, I decided to call the number back to see. Well, first I texted the number to say, like, how’d you get this number?

And I got an automated response back saying that it was a landline that I texted. So obviously the text didn't go through.

So, then I called it, and it like rang, but then it just like picked up, and it just sounded like there was breathing on the other end. And you know, love my true crime, I do my research.

So, I did reverse look up this phone number, and I know whose name it is associated with, supposedly.

Now I don't know if that was actually him on the phone or what, but then I called the phone again, and same thing, like quick pickup and like, just it sounds like breathing on the other end.

And then on top of that, I was looking at my credit card statement today, and literally, this morning, at like, 7:30 a charge came through for a company.

I have no idea of what they are for something that was bought online.

So, it's just been a really weird day. I don't know if somebody's trying to take my identity, but if they do, let me just say, if you're taking my identity, take all my mortgages with me too.

Like, take the loans. Take the bad stuff. If you're going to take my name, you got to take the bad stuff.

You don't just get, like, the fun credit score and all that, like, take the loans, take some of those payments off my hands. Thank you very much.

Ghosting (3:25) 

Anyway, speaking of scary stuff, today we are talking about ghosting. That's right, it's now mid-October, so I thought we'd do some spooky-themed episodes.

Obviously, this one's not really tied to the supernatural, but hey, you know ghosts? Boo bitch, very scary. Yes, spirits are scary, but so are emotionally unavailable men who leave us on read.

So, we're gonna get into it today, but first, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (3:53) 

All right, y'all might have deja vu from this, but we just pulled the Ace of Cups, which we also pulled for last episode. So, it might sound like a repeat. Bear with me here.

As a refresher, Cups is tied to the element of water. It's very feminine energy, so it's very nurturing, meditative, and reflective in nature. And Cups is tied to emotions and love.

And Aces represent the number one. So, in numerology, one indicates a new beginning, or it can represent the individual.

And when we draw this card, it's really telling us that we need to be open to love, which can come in many forms, including new connections, opportunities, and self-love.

And since we pulled this card again, I'm thinking that that's the universe sending as a sign we need to give ourselves a little bit more self-love. Especially when we were trying to avoid those ghosts.

So, there's the Tarot for today. Sorry, it's repetitive, but it was quick and efficient. So, let's get right into the topic.

What is Ghosting? (4:42)

And you know the drill, I like to start off with a vocabulary lesson. So, I'm sure that the concept of ghosting is a no-brainer for most of us, but just humor me, will ya? Let's get official with our definition.

So according to Merriam-Webster, ghosting is the act or practice of abruptly cutting off all contact with someone such as a former romantic partner, usually without explanation, by no longer accepting or responding to phone calls, instant messages, things like that.

Psychology Today elaborates further, saying that this concept most often refers to romantic relationships, but can also describe disappearances from friendships and the workplace. Basically, you're silently disappearing from someone's life.

According to Grammarist, the word ghosting has been around since the 1920s but it took on this new meaning around 2005.

However, I did find some conflicting data that said the term originated in 2011 but quite a few publications stated that this meaning of ghosting took off in 2015 because Charlize Theron ended her engagement to Sean Penn by ignoring all texts and calls he made until he simply stopped calling.

So fun little fact there.

What’s Considered Ghosting? (5:47)

Now here's where it gets a little tricky. I couldn't find a specific timeline for when it's considered ghosting.

You know, I found some articles where people are saying it's considered ghosting if you end communication with someone after a first date.

I saw another saying it's considered ghosting after three dates or one week of hanging out, whichever happens first. And I saw another saying it's not ghosting if you're casually dating someone.

So, I don't think there's a hard and fast rule to it, but I personally believe if it's early on in meeting someone, like if you went on a couple dates and are getting a feel of this person and not meshing, you don't necessarily owe them an explanation or quote unquote breakup.

Now, that doesn't mean it's nice to just end communication and not respond to the other person's communications, but for me in the past, like, if I went out with someone and didn't really hit it off, I'd kind of wait to see if they texted me after.

Because maybe they didn't enjoy the date either, and then we can both kind of just go our separate ways and cease communications.

But if they do, eventually text and say something like, oh, I had a good time. Or, would you want to get together again?

I usually text back truthfully and say something like, hey, it was nice meeting you, too, but I didn't get that kind of feeling or connection or something like that. Or, you know, do you want to just be friends?

It's probably not the answer they want. But I'm not ignoring them. I'm not beating around the bush, and I'm not opening up the communication channels to talk it out about why I might not feel that connection.

And after that text, how they receive it is how they receive it, and I feel I don't owe them any further explanation. And again, that's after like a date or two.

If I were to actually date someone beyond that, I would obviously have a conversation if things weren't working out, because to just go quiet on someone after weeks or months of regular communication and seeing each other is ghosting in my mind.

You know, I've told this story before. I think it was in the LGBTQ+ alcoholism episode, but like, for a month in 2016 I was dating this guy, and he was bad news from the get-go.

But I was like, Haha, I can change him. But we talked every day, almost all day, and we hung out a few times a week for a month. Like this was pretty consistent in my mind.

And then one day, we hung out at my apartment, and then I drove him back to work, and he was a bartender, so it was a Sunday night, and we texted a bit after that, and then I said I was going to bed, and he was like, goodnight, babe, and send a cute little kissy emoji.

And then I literally never heard from him again. He stopped answering my texts. Actually, that might be a lie. I think we did make plans to grab lunch and talk, but he never showed up.

But of course, he was active on Grindr that whole time. And then, like, two months later, he comments on a Facebook picture of me, saying I looked cute or something in a picture.

And then he texted me a month after that, and was like, oh, I went quiet because I got scared of being hurt, but I'd love a second chance. Absolutely not.

And thankfully, even though I was in my stupid era back then, I had enough common sense to avoid him. But to me, that's a real ghosting situation. That is what ghosting is.

You know, not so much communication fizzling out after a date or two. Plus, if you watch '90s shows like Friends, how often do you hear one of the guys saying they didn't call the girl back they went out on a date with?

Back then, phone communication was really your only means to communicate. I mean, obviously, there was email, but still, it wasn't the constant text messaging or social media interactions we see today.

Why Do People Ghost? (8:42)

And now we do have so many means of keeping tabs on someone. Texting, social media, you name it.

And with that being said, Psychology Today points out that while the concept of abruptly disappearing from people's lives isn't new, it seems to be more common today.

In fact, they cite a 2018 study that found approximately 25% of men and women reported having been ghosted in a romantic relationship, and 22% admitted to having ghosted someone else.

And honestly, both of those numbers seemed kind of low to me, and I wondered if those numbers would have increased in recent years.

But even a February 2020 study found that about 13 to 23% of people have been ghosted. So, to the 77 to 87% of you who haven't been ghosted, congratu-fuckin-lations. Must be nice to not have trust issues.

Anyway, there's actually eight different reasons of why people Ghost and these come from Psych Central:

So, for starters, technology has desensitized us. People forget that there are real people on the other end. You know, we've touched upon this before with dating apps.

People just look at the grid and see a profile pic, but don't really consider that there's a person on the other side of that profile.

So as a result, the dating experience has become commercialized, which the article likens to going grocery shopping.

You know, if we pick something out and we don't like it, we just put it back on the shelf without explanation, and then move on to the next one.

And there's actually this concept of gamification of relationships, which is viewing relationships as having the rules, points, and the impersonal interface of a game.

The next reason is that someone may fear hurting the other person. If they're not feeling a connection, they may be afraid to tell you because they're scared it may hurt your feelings, and they think ghosting is the easier option.

They may also have low emotional intelligence and have a hard time understanding how their actions hurt you. Or mental health conditions can be causing emotional unavailability.

For example, those who have depression may feel they lack the energy to maintain connections. Or someone with bipolar disorder may increase contact during a high mood and then ghost during a low mood.

Next, they can be overwhelmed or anxious about the outcome of a relationship and cut it off without warning because it feels safer.

Another reason is that someone may have low self-esteem and self-sabotage because they don't believe they deserve someone like you.

And this next one is obvious, but someone who has an insecure attachment style, specifically a fearful, avoidant attachment style, may fluctuate between wanting intimacy and avoiding it when you start to get too close.

And we had an episode on attachment styles last year, so check that out if you want a refresher on it.

And lastly, social differences, such as lowered empathy or reduced ability to pick up on social cues, can make it difficult for someone to understand how to properly discontinue contact with someone else.

Signs of Ghosting (11:21)

So, with all that in mind, what does ghosting look like?

Well, according to Reader's Digest, these are some common signs of ghosting:

• Your texts are left on red or aren't opened at all
• You can no longer see their social media profiles
• You're blocked from messaging them on social media
• They've disconnected from you on dating and/or social apps
• They don't answer your phone calls
• They avoid you in person or find excuses to avoid places where you'll be
• They ask mutual friends to not tell you about them
• And they dodge invitations to meet up

So, like we said at the top of the episode, basically ending all communication with you. And again, this is a sudden thing with no real warning signs.

This isn't them saying to you that they don't want to be with you, and then you keep trying to contact them, and they ignore you. Because they've told you at that point that they're not interested.

This is when things seem fine, and then overnight, they seemingly disappear.

And prior to ghosting, they may start fading away. So, for example, they take days to respond to your texts or calls. They bail on plans with you at the last minute.

They talk about only vague or superficial things with you. They don't invite you out, text you, or otherwise initiate communication, or they employ breadcrumbing or give you just little bits of attention sporadically.

And if you are wondering what bread crumbing is, it's when a person may send frequent communications, also in the form of comments and likes online, but all the contact never amounts to anything real.

Another term related to ghosting is orbiting, and that's when someone breaks things off with you but continues engaging with you through interactions via social media, leaving a like or comment or poke, for example, but without actually speaking to you beyond that.

Ghosting’s Impact on Mental Health (12:57)

Now, in certain situations, ghosting can be appropriate. Like if you're in an abusive relationship, or if you've called it off with someone, but they won't leave you alone.

But for this episode, we're going to focus on ghosting in that sense that things seem to be going fine and then they disappear overnight.

Now obviously this type of ghosting can throw us for a loop because when someone disappears, it takes away the opportunity to talk and process, which traditionally allows for healing.

But when we're ghosted, it can cause us to question our worth, what we did wrong, and did the person ever really care about us?

Unsurprisingly, a Psychology Today article from August 2022 states that research has found ghosting has adverse effects on the mental health and emotional well-being of the ghostee.

While we're left trying to make sense of the situation, we may feel overwhelming rejection and confusion, along with wounded self-esteem.

And longer-term effects of ghosting, have included precipitated internalized rejection, self-blame, and feelings of low self-worth.

Additionally, people may develop general feelings of mistrust that, in some cases, carried over into future relationships.

And for LGBTQ+ people, this sense of rejection can hit even deeper. Here's an excerpt from the Gay Therapy Center:

“Most of us have grown up believing that this intimate, beautiful, and vulnerable part of us—our sexual attraction—is considered gross and shame worthy. And so, when we take the risk to open up and let someone in, our deepest wound can be triggered.

It can touch on that unconscious, vulnerable part of ourselves that still believes that LGBTQ people are unlovable. And while there hasn’t been any research done on this topic, it’s possible that LGBTQ people may experience ghosting more often than straight people. LGBTQ people have learned to be experts in hiding. We had to hide to survive. And ghosting is hiding.”

They go on to say that ghosting is passive-aggressive, so we experience this as a form of aggression. And research shows that experiences of rejection shows up in the same part of the brain as physical pain.

So, what do we do with all this information?

How to Deal with Ghosting (14:57)

Well, for starters, here's some tips on how to avoid being ghosted. And these come from Psych Central:

• Take good care of yourself
• Ask thoughtful questions
• Be upfront with your expectations
• Learn about your attachment type
• Make more in-person plans
• Become more familiar with your love language
• Pace the early part of the relationship
• And declutter your relationship queue

Now that's all well and good, and we should be working on those things anyway, but that's not a foolproof way to prevent being ghosted.

So, what do we do if it feels like someone is starting to fade away? Well, for starters, if you've reached out three times and don't get a response, you can assume you've been ghosted.

But if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, you can check in with them to see where they stand with a text like, hi, I want to check-in. I'm getting the sense that you're no longer interested. If that's the case, will you let me know?

But if you don't get a response or they still seem flaky, allow yourself to face reality and start to move on.

Facing the facts that they're ghosting you is much more helpful than adding more to the story by ruminating, rationalizing, or excusing their behavior.

So, allow yourself to feel your feelings, whether you need to cry, journal, or scream. Make sure you're incorporating self-care, whatever that may look like for you, and vent to an uninvolved party.

So, it's good to lean on your friends, but if they're mutual friends with the person who ghosted you, it's best to leave them out of it.

Also try your best to avoid dwelling on the situation, since the silence may leave you wondering if it's something you said or did.

You know you can spend a thousand different scenarios of what could have gone wrong, but at the end of the day, this is about their lack of capacity for close, intimate relationships, and doesn't have anything to do with you, even though it does feel personal.

And if you're really struggling with being ghosted or taking it extremely hard, talk to a therapist. But above all else, do not contact the ghost again.

Especially if they circle back and are like, oh, sorry, life got busy or something like that. If they did this once, odds are they're gonna do it again.

So, prevent yourself from getting hurt again by cutting them out of your life.

Episode Closing (16:55)

Also, a little bit more LGBTQ+ specific piece here, you know, when we get ghosted, we might start believing every gay man on an app is the same and displays bad behavior.

Or that all LGBTQ+ people are too wounded to love. And this is false, and if we allow ourselves to believe that, then we may lose our trust and faith in people that we need to form healthy attachments.

And if we allow ourselves to believe that, we may begin to lose our own empathy for others, and as a result, we may be more likely to ghost and hurt others.

And remember, just because the ghosts come out during spooky season doesn't mean we should be ghosting people, or that we should accept that for ourselves.

Just like the tarot said today, Ace of Cups. We are receiving the gift of love from the divine, the universe, God, whatever you believe.

We're receiving that gift of love, but we need to be open to it. And when we're talking about love, it doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship.

It could be self-love, like we talked about in this article, take care of ourselves, implement self-care.

You know, if you are working on being the happiest person you can be and enjoying the things you have in your life as a single person, then odds are you're more likely to attract somebody who can be an equal match for you.

You know, because you talk about narcissists, you talk about ghosts, you talk about all that stuff, they can kind of sense if somebody is feeling wounded or not feeling good enough or feeling insecure, and they will take advantage of that.

So, while we want to date, while we want to get out there, we really need to make sure that we are dating ourselves first and loving ourselves first, so that way again, we could be the healthiest, happiest version of ourselves and then attract that good, positive energy into our life.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (18:23)

So as always, thank you for listening. I hope you found this episode helpful. If not, I'd recommend calling the Ghostbusters. There's only so much I can do to help with ghosts, but let me know your thoughts.

Feel free to reach out to me rob@ajadedgay.com. Also, be sure to check out our website ajadedgay.com.

Also, quick butt plug, very excited to announce we have some fall merch. Two new A Jaded Gay beanies. So, I think they're pretty cute. Go check them out. Keep warm this fall in style with an official A Jaded Gay beanie.

As always, you know the drill, please remember to rate, review, and subscribe. Five stars is greatly appreciated.

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And remember, every day is all we have, so you gotta make your own happiness.

Mmm-bye.

Outtake (20:08)

Boo, bitch, get out the way.