94. Girl, Please: Say No to People-Pleasing

Snarky Opener (0:00)

Look, I know this is really selfish of me to bring up, but it actually kind of hurt my feelings when you did that bad thing. And I'm sorry to be making things uncomfortable by talking about the consequences of your actions. It's actually all my fault. I'm sorry.

Episode Introduction (0:32)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a jaded gay just because I am feeling the financial strain. I've had a few surprise bills pop up, you know, like $800 for some car repairs. A few other things here and there. And I mean, I run a very tight budget to begin with, because I don't like to spend carelessly. I'm very frugal. I like to put money into savings and all that. But it was just like one big thing after the other unplanned expenses that popped up. And now I'm stressing for my life.

So, I am once again asking you to subscribe to my Patreon. Just kidding, kind of. I mean I'm not in that desperate of situation. But I definitely would appreciate any Patreon support if you feel so inclined because you get fun, bonus content. But enough about me, let's move on to today's topic.

People Pleasing (1:23)

So, as you remember, we started off the year with learning how we can be better at setting boundaries to protect our emotional and physical health. And in that, we touched upon people pleasing. And, I think to some degree, a lot of us were taught to put others' feelings and opinions before our own. And, for gay men especially, a lot of us learned that being out and proud was an inconvenience to others because it might make them uncomfortable with our existence. So, as a result, we may have watered down our authentic selves. So today we're going to talk about people pleasing, what it is, and how we can overcome those tendencies.

But first, let's pull our tarot card.

Tarot (2:05)  

So, the card for this episode is the Five of Pentacles in reverse. Now Pentacles is a Minor Arcana suit and it's tied to the element of earth which is very grounding and stabilizing. It's all about putting in the hard work and reaping the fruits of your labor. Literally, it's tied to financial prosperity, but I like to think of it more as emotional prosperity. It's feminine energy, so it's meditative in nature.

And in tarot, five is sometimes known as the conflict number. Specifically in numerology, five is tied to change, loss, and instability. And while that may seem dismal, we drew this card in reverse, which indicates that we are moving on from challenges.

So, this card is symbolizing that we may have experienced a loss or hardship, but we've reached a point where we're regaining our confidence both in ourselves and in the situation. And even though we may have been persistent in the past without having achieved what we wanted, the Five of Pentacles in reverse reminds us that when we truly value something, we'll make it happen.

What is People Pleasing? (3:03)

So, with that in mind, let's kick off the episode with a vocabulary lesson. Merriam-Webster defines a people pleaser as someone or something that pleases or wants to please people. But taking it a step further, they say that it's often a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.

Now, according to Psychology Today, the underlying urge to make others happy and to be positively regarded is normal. After all, humans are social creatures, and so it's natural to pay attention to others' needs and feelings. However, it becomes a problem when someone dives too deeply into being in tune to focusing on others' needs. Here's a quote:

"Somewhere along the way, people pleasers decide that everyone else's needs are more pressing than their own. They put themselves on the back burner in their own lives and then end up feeling resentful, dissatisfied, and depressed."

So, a people pleaser needs to please others for reasons that may include fear of rejection, insecurities, and the need to be well-liked. It can be based on the fear that if they stop pleasing others, everyone will abandon them, resulting in them being uncared for and unloved.

What Causes People Pleasing? (4:14)

Now, Medical News Today notes that people pleasing is not a medical term, so there's no clinical definition for it. And it's more so a label as opposed to a diagnosis. However, they do outline a few potential causes of people pleasing:

The first is low self-esteem.

People who feel they are worth less than others may feel their needs are unimportant. They may advocate for themselves less or have less awareness of what they want. They may also feel that they have no purpose if they cannot help others.

Next is anxiety.

Some people may attempt to please others because they feel anxious about fitting in, rejection or causing offence. For example, a person with social anxiety may feel they must do whatever their friends want in order for people to like them. It can be a subtle attempt to control others' perceptions.

Then we have conflict avoidance.

People may try to people please in an effort to avoid confrontation or arguments.

Next is culture and socialization.

The culture of a person's family, community or country may influence how they view their duty toward others and themselves. For example, some may have been taught that total selflessness is a virtue, or that the needs of the collective matter more than the individual.

Then we have inequity.

This can reinforce the idea that some people are meant to look after others. And an example of this is how patriarchal society tends to believe that women are naturally more maternal and caring than men. 

There's also personality disorders.

Certain long term mental health conditions, like Dependent Personality Disorder causes a person to feel very dependent on others for help and approval in many facets of life.

And then lastly, we have trauma.

Typical responses to traumatic events are fighting, fleeing or freezing. However, there is also fawning, which involves trying to gain the affection and admiration of those they fear as a means of survival. 

Additionally, perfectionism can play a role in this. And we've talked about perfectionism a bit in a past episode. But with all that in mind, the root cause of people pleasing is a fear of rejection or failure.

Common Traits of People Pleasing (6:16)

So going back to Psychology Today, these are some common traits of people pleasing:

·       Low self-worth

·       Accommodates everyone else's needs

·       Undermines their own needs

·       Goes with the flow that's dictated by others

·       Is too agreeable, in general

In fact, a people pleaser may quickly agree to something even if they don't actually agree with it.

Some other symptoms include:

·       Does not assert themselves

·       Rarely says no

·       Feels valuable when complying with others

·       Values praise from others

·       Says sorry when no apology is required

·       Takes the blame when not at fault

·       Makes excuses for the faults of others

·       And has little self-awareness

Now again, wanting to do nice things for others, taking their feelings into consideration and sometimes going out of your way for others does not equate to people pleasing. That's called being a nice person. But people pleasing really involves doing those acts so that you can seek approval and validation from others. A people pleaser needs assurance from others, wants to be recognized and accepted by everyone, and doesn't look within to validate themselves.

Over-Apologizing (7:20)

Now, a few things I want to dive a little deeper in regarding that list of people pleasing traits. First off, we mentioned saying sorry when there's nothing to apologize for.

According to WebMD, people pleasers tend to make themselves responsible for the emotional responses of others. So, if someone feels bad, the people pleaser may blame themselves that they're the problem, even if it's something that's out of their control.

Now, it's one thing to apologize to someone if you've hurt them. But with people pleasing, it's a deeper issue because you're frequently apologizing for things you have no control over.

And this one is a problem for me. Like, if I was in the kitchen with someone and they needed to scoot by me to grab something, I'd be like, “Oh, sorry,” because I felt like I was in the way. And I didn't realize how much I did that until one of my friends called me out for it and was like, “Why are you saying sorry?” And ever since then, I've become more conscious of it. I mean, I still say sorry for things out of my control, but I'm trying to catch myself on it more.

Conflict Avoidance (8:17)

Anyway, WebMD goes on to say that people pleasers tend to also change their personality, depending on who they're hanging around with, because they want to match the person or group they're spending time with. And this can lead to acting in ways that are out of character, or participating in actions they disagree with just to fit in socially because they'll do almost anything to avoid conflict.

And expanding upon this, Healthline explains that arguments and conflict upsets people pleasers, since they fear anger. Anger means that someone isn't happy, and a people pleaser's goal is to keep people happy. So, if someone is angry, then the people pleaser feels like they failed.

So, to avoid this anger, people pleasers might rush to apologize or do whatever they think will make the other person happy, even when they're not angry at the people pleaser. And this can expand to if you're in conflict between others, like two friends fighting.

Effects on Mental Health (9:08)

And if that sounds exhausting, it's because it is. In fact, people pleasing can result in:

·       Stress from behaving in an inauthentic way or ignoring our own wants and needs

·       Mental and physical exhaustion from taking on too much or putting on a cheerful persona

·       Neglect from ignoring aspects of our own self care

·       Loss of identity from becoming less aware of what we want or feel since we're focused on pleasing others

·       Role conflict from attempting to please others in a context that conflicts with who we are in another

·       Resentment from feeling you have no choice but to please others or bottling up anger from feeling like people are taking advantage of you

·       And lastly, relationship problems or feeling unsatisfied in your relationship

Also, it's interesting to note that people pleasing can backfire when you do so much for others that it takes away their agency to do things for themselves. You know, your partner might notice the way you agree with everyone or wonder why you apologize for things you didn't do. Or family and friends may get upset when you lie to spare their feelings.

Fawning (10:08)

Now, early in the episode, we talked about the causes of people pleasing, including trauma. And the typical responses to trauma are fighting, fleeing, freezing or fawning.

And according to The Centre for Gay Counseling, the term fawning is newer since it only came into public awareness over the last few years. And fawning has a particularly interesting twist for gay men. The article asserts that gay men are the ultimate people pleasers, since we have often been encouraged to portray ourselves in ways that make us palatable or acceptable to dominant society.

For example, there's been the comedic portrayal of gay men, which we've talked about in the gay best friend episode, where they're considered non-threatening, dramatic and sassy characters that straight people can laugh at, or the gay man who's an expert in some field who can help make other people's lives easier. Or the gay man who may be straight passing so that straight people may feel more comfortable around because, quote, unquote, they don't seem gay.

And again, this sense of fawning can be related to trauma we experienced as children or low self-worth. And both of these things, of course coincided with growing up different for many gay men. Here's a quote from a 2019 Advocate article titled "Gay People Have Been Taught to Be People Pleasing Pushovers":

"When you grow up telling the lie of, 'I'm not gay,' you sometimes become an adult who has a hard time knowing who he really is. It takes a lot of energy to pretend you are straight, or to make believe that it doesn't hurt when you're rejected. When other kids were celebrating and exploring what they love, you put your resources into hiding out. Hiding can become a lifelong habit, if we don't take the time to unlearn it."

Essentially, we grew up hiding who we were because we put others needs first. Maybe we heard comments from family and friends that made us feel like they weren't comfortable with gay people or held certain prejudices or biases. So, as a result, we put our needs aside, neglecting our authentic selves so that we could put others first to prevent rejection and hurt. And now, in adulthood, even though we may be out, we may still put on certain hats around others to minimize the risk of rejection because we're still dealing with that trauma.

Stop People Pleasing (12:10)

So how can we learn to prioritize ourselves and cut the people pleasing?

Well, for starters, we need to learn to set and communicate our boundaries. We need to understand our own limits and then communicate them with others so we can rein in our people pleasing. And back in January, we did a whole episode on that. So, if you haven't already, check it out.

And as part of setting boundaries, learn to put yourself first. While we may want to help others, we need energy and emotional resources to help others. So, if we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be able to do anything for anyone else. And putting our needs first isn't selfish; it's healthy. And this can look like offering your opinion in a work meeting, getting comfortable with your emotions and feelings and asking for what you need in your relationship.

Also, wait until you're asked for help and show kindness only when you mean it. Kindness shouldn't come from a desire to earn approval. It should come from a place of wanting to make things better for someone else. So, before you offer help, consider your intentions and how the act will make you feel. Will the opportunity to help someone else bring you joy, or will you feel resentful if the act isn't returned?

Also, Medical News Today suggest practicing these short-term tactics:

Start Small

To begin with, try committing to meeting one need at a time.

Stall

When someone makes a request, try allowing for some time to think about it rather than answering immediately.

Set Time Limits

When saying yes to something, include a time limit or deadline rather than waiting for someone else to set the schedule.

Block Time

Block out time in the day that is off limits to any new requests or plans. People can do this mentally or use a calendar app to automatically decline any new invitations.

And lastly, Rehearse No

In many situations, there are tactful and empathetic ways to say no. Rehearsing these before speaking with someone may help.

Also, this connects to setting boundaries, but learn to make space for yourself. Take a step back and look at where you're spending most of your time and energy, and keep track of how often you say yes when someone asks you for something. Be sure to be in touch with your emotions and how you feel in those moments. And take stock of the times you're unable to give a firm no so you can recognize those situations in the future and give a different response.

Also, look for patterns in your people pleasing behavior to identify if there are people that you feel more inclined to try to satisfy since this could be a sign that you're trying to recover from hurt they caused you in the past. And start recognizing your limits and determine how much bandwidth you really have before committing to something. Try to expend your energy only on those things that align with your values and make you feel good.

And lastly, know when it's time to speak to a therapist. Since long standing patterns of people pleasing can be a result of childhood trauma, a therapist can help you explore what's behind your need to put others needs before your own, and they can also offer coping strategies.

Episode Closing (15:03)

And connecting it back to the tarot, Five of Pentacles in reverse.

We might have gone through some loss or hardship in the past that's really hurt us. And maybe an example of this is, you know, you went through a rocky relationship where you weren't able to advocate for yourself. Or you did speak up for yourself, and you lost that person. And now your confidence has been shaken that you actually have the right to speak up for yourself.

Well, this card is reminding us that we are moving on from those challenges. We're getting to a place where we can reclaim our autonomy and where we're reestablishing our confidence, in both ourself and the situation. So, whether it's a relationship situation, whether it's in your career and speaking up at work, regardless, our confidence is being restored.

And it certainly isn't easy to speak up for ourselves. And odds are, you're not just going to wake up one day and say, "Great, I'm going to 100% advocate for myself. And I'm just going to say no to everything that pisses me off and only say yes to things that matter." It's not that easy, and it's also not that realistic. So, we have to start small.

Like we talked about in this episode, start with those baby steps. Use those techniques to start building up ways to say no to things that don't align with you and understand why you feel the need to say yes to other things. And, while it can be challenging, remember that today's tarot card is telling us that if we really value it, if we really value ourselves, and really value our time and what makes us happy, then we can be persistent in our actions to make it happen. To make us advocates for ourself.

And again, easier said than done. So, I would love to hear your thoughts. Let me know with the people pleasing. Have you struggled with it?

I know for me personally, I've really struggled with it in relationships, where I've kind of just gone along with what other people say and agree to what they're saying. I'm like, "oh, yeah," even though I might disagree with it, and I've kind of been the one to let the other person set the schedule. And then I stress out because I like to be scheduled and know what's going on, but I'm kind of left on read.

Connect with A Jaded Gay (16:48)

So, I'd love to hear your experiences. If you struggle with people pleasing in your career, in your family dynamics, in your relationships, tell me about it and tell me what work you've been doing to overcome it. And maybe even if you have any, you know best practices for other listeners, feel free to share it; send me an email. rob@ajadedgay.com. And if you do, I might share it on the episode, so I'd love to hear your feedback.

Also, I think it's been a little while since I've asked this, but please, please, please remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast. We've been getting a few more five-star ratings, which I greatly appreciate. I would love to get some reviews, too, because all the positive feedback helps push the podcast up in the algorithm so that way, we can reach more people and build a healthier community of LGBTQ+ people. So, I would greatly appreciate that.

You can follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, SoundCloud and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless. You can also check out the website, ajadedgay.com, for more information on episodes, resources, guests, merchandise, social links, all that fun stuff.

If you're feeling generous, also consider supporting the podcast on Patreon for as little as $1 a month. That's @ajadedgaypod. Once you join, you will automatically get access to ad-free episodes a day early and exclusive monthly bonus content. And if you bump up to the $3 and $5 tiers, you get a free t-shirt and then a shout out from yours truly. So definitely check it out. If you don't want to start a new subscription, don't worry. I get it, I'm scared of commitment, too. You can give the podcast a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee @ajadedgaypod.

And remember every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness. Mmm-bye.

Outtake (18:52)  

Jesus Christ. Just knocked the camera right off of the stand there. Whoopsie. That's what we do edits for.