Survival of the Fiercest?
In the world of dating, particularly within the gay community, it’s common to find oneself comparing to others, especially potential partners. Thoughts like “Is he more muscular?” or “Does he seem more masculine?” or “Is he ahead in his career?” can arise frequently. These comparisons often stem from insecurities that many struggle with, as well as the societal pressures that make such comparisons feel almost unavoidable.
But beyond personal insecurities, there’s also the underlying societal pressure that can make comparisons feel inevitable. As gay men, we often deal with perfectionism, feeling the need to overcompensate for our identities. When it comes to dating, this can be exacerbated by the perception that a potential partner has it all together, which can leave us feeling threatened or inadequate. This dynamic can make it difficult to open up or let our guard down, creating barriers to deeper connections.
The Psychology Behind Social Comparison and Its Impact on Self-Worth
Understanding why we compare ourselves to others can help shed light on how this tendency shapes our behaviors. While this phenomenon is not exclusive to the gay community, it is something that everyone experiences at times. Studies suggest that up to 10% of our thoughts involve some form of comparison, raising the question: why do we do it?
In 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger introduced the social comparison theory, which posits that individuals assess their own personal and social worth by measuring themselves against others. This comparison can be both motivating and detrimental. On one hand, comparing ourselves to others can spur us to improve and foster a more positive self-image. On the other hand, it can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, guilt, or regret, particularly when the comparisons are unfavorable.
According to Psychology Today, comparing ourselves to others can have benefits when it’s done to measure personal growth or to motivate self-improvement. However, it requires discipline to avoid falling into the traps of negative comparison. For instance, when seeking validation, people tend to compare themselves to those who are worse off, which may offer temporary comfort but can become an unhealthy habit. In contrast, when striving to improve, comparisons to individuals with similar circumstances but superior achievements may encourage progress.
While comparison can drive positive change, it also carries risks. Over-fixation on comparisons can foster judgmental, biased, or overly competitive attitudes. In extreme cases, such as comparing one’s body to that of a professional athlete, it can lead to obsessive behaviors like excessive workouts or even the development of eating disorders. Ultimately, relying too heavily on comparisons for validation can prevent individuals from learning to value themselves independently of others' perceptions.
The Pressure to Succeed and Compete Within the Gay Community
For many gay men, the drive for success can become an obsession, often tied to the need for validation due to internalized shame about their sexuality. This pursuit of success can take many forms. Some gay men focus intensely on their physical appearance, striving for the "perfect" body. Others seek to be the center of attention in social circles or to attain material wealth, with the most glamorous homes and the latest trends. Some are driven by career ambition, aiming to reach the highest echelons of their professions.
As Dr. Alan Downs discusses in The Velvet Rage, for many gay men, these aspirations are not merely about achieving personal success; they can be a way to mask the shame of growing up gay. What may appear as success is often a carefully curated facade—a means of convincing others, and sometimes even themselves, that they are happy and fulfilled. While it’s certainly possible to achieve success in these areas without it being rooted in shame, there is a fine line between authentic accomplishment and a "show" created to hide deeper insecurities.
This need for external validation can foster a competitive environment within the gay community. Therapist Ash Rehn discusses this dynamic in a 2014 blog post, where he explores how some gay men, seeking to belong and be accepted, end up competing with one another to present a certain image. The pressure to keep up with peers can lead to behaviors that reflect feelings of inadequacy or anxiety. Some men, for instance, take on significant debt to purchase expensive clothes or lavish vacations, all in an effort to feel they belong. Others may turn to substances to cope with the stress of competition and fit in with the group.
A real-world example of this competition and comparison can be found in a 2019 Reddit thread titled "How to deal with comparing yourself to another gay?" The original poster describes feeling both intimidated and attracted to a housemate’s friend, who was described as good-looking, muscular, and confident. The poster shared that they felt insecure about their own appearance, behavior, and interactions with others, all because they were comparing themselves to this individual. This type of comparison—wanting to be someone else while also admiring them—illustrates how pervasive and complex the feelings of inadequacy and competition can be within the gay community.
The Competitive Nature of Gay Men
Many gay men can relate to the feeling of insecurity triggered by encounters with others who seem to have it all together. Whether it's meeting someone on a date who appears perfect, attending a party where another individual seems to have it all figured out, or simply being around someone who constantly feels the need to one-up others, these experiences often leave us questioning our own worth—be it our appearance, love life, career, or sense of belonging.
Barrett Pall explored this competitiveness within the gay community in a 2015 HuffPost article, where he argued that this dynamic is a result of several factors. One key aspect he identified is the "second adolescence" that many gay men experience after coming out. Moving to a more open and accepting environment, such as a big city or a gay-friendly community, can provide an opportunity to meet new people, but without the boundaries of childhood, this period often lacks the structure and guidance of youth. In this environment, competition can escalate as men try to establish their place in a community that offers both freedom and pressure.
Pall also noted that the gay community is divided into various subgroups, such as twink, otter, bear, top, bottom, masc, and femme. Each of these categories comes with its own stereotypes and expectations, leading to the formation of cliques and reinforcing biases within the community. This segmentation can fuel competition, as individuals vie for status within their subgroup, and it can contribute to the broader feeling of inadequacy that arises when one doesn’t meet the ideal standards set by these categories.
Another layer of complexity comes from the fluid nature of relationships in the gay community. Unlike the heterosexual world, where romantic and professional boundaries are often more distinct, in the gay community, relationships can easily cross into multiple areas—sexual, romantic, platonic, or professional. This creates uncertainty about one's role in various social circles, especially as new groups form, and some people are looking for deeper connections, while others may simply want to network or make friends. The interconnectedness of the gay community can also contribute to a feeling of closeness that borders on claustrophobia, as exes and friends often end up dating each other, making the pool of new potential connections feel limited.
Physical Comparisons and the Pressure to Conform Within the Gay Community
In 2016, Zachary Zane published an article in Pride that explored how various factors—including our upbringing, community, and relationships—shape our sense of competition as gay men. As a part of a smaller, interconnected community, gay men often feel pressure to stand out or be the best, leading to heightened comparisons and competition. Zane suggests that the relatively small dating pool in the gay community contributes to this dynamic, as individuals strive to present the most desirable version of themselves, both in social and romantic spaces.
A significant driver of this competition is the gay beauty culture, which often promotes unrealistic physical standards. From striving for perfectly sculpted abs to obsessing over anti-aging regimens, these ideals become ingrained in our daily lives. The desire to meet these standards is often amplified by social media and dating apps, which perpetuate comparisons and physical insecurities. The constant exposure to idealized images can fuel a cycle of self-doubt and pressure to conform.
A 2020 study from California State Polytechnic University Pomona examined the self-perceptions of gay men in relation to their use of Grindr, a popular dating app. The study found that the majority of participants reported experiencing negative self-feelings, primarily driven by social comparisons with others on the app. Despite recognizing the toxic effects of this behavior, most users continued to seek validation through Grindr, contributing to an ongoing cycle of self-criticism and the reinforcement of physical insecurities. This reliance on external validation, even at the cost of one’s self-esteem, highlights how social media and dating apps can exacerbate the negative impact of beauty culture within the gay community.
The Role of Childhood Bullying in Driving Competition Among Gay Men
Zane also discusses how experiences of bullying during childhood can contribute to the competitiveness seen within the gay community. Many gay men, particularly those who were bullied for their differences, may develop a need to prove their worth or correct perceived flaws that made them targets. This drive for self-improvement often manifests as a desire to excel in other areas of life, such as academics, athletics, or social success. The motivation to "overachieve" serves as a way to compensate for the shame and insecurity caused by early bullying experiences.
Zane points out that for many gay men growing up in small towns, excelling in certain areas—whether it be getting the best grades or becoming athletically accomplished—was often seen as a ticket to escape their environments. Small towns, with their limited acceptance of difference, often fostered a sense of isolation, and success became a means of finding a way out. Many gay men were driven to achieve in order to gain scholarships, access to better education, and opportunities that might allow them to leave behind their restrictive surroundings.
This drive for success, fueled by a need to escape and prove oneself, naturally fosters competition. As Zane notes, striving for excellence was often seen as a way to break free, but it also led to increased comparisons with others, pushing gay men to compete not just with the world around them, but within their own communities. This pressure to excel and prove worth can, at times, perpetuate a cycle of competition that remains a dominant force in many gay men's lives as they continue to navigate relationships, careers, and self-image.
The Impact of Competition in Same-Sex Relationships
In a highly competitive community, like the gay male community, competition tends to breed more competition. This dynamic doesn't just stay within social circles; it can spill over into our romantic relationships as well. When dating another man, the direct comparison between partners can fuel competition in ways that differ from heterosexual relationships.
As Zane points out, gay men can compare themselves directly with their partners on various aspects, such as physical appearance, career success, and even social validation (e.g., who gets more attention when out together). This constant comparison can foster an environment where competition becomes a central theme in relationships.
This competitive nature can have significant effects on the development of a relationship. According to a 2018 article from Wellman Psychology, the "competitive or power struggle" stage often emerges in the second phase of a relationship when couples make major commitments, like moving in together or becoming exclusive. At this point, differences in values and desires often come to light, and for gay male couples, the natural drives associated with competition can be intensified.
Several factors can intensify competition in gay relationships, such as financial roles, physical appearance, household responsibilities, and shared social networks. In many cases, both partners may feel the pressure to fulfill traditional roles, like being the "breadwinner," which can create tension. Comparisons of physical appearance are also common, as it's easier to measure oneself against a same-sex partner, which can lead to body image issues. Additionally, the division of household duties can stir conflict, particularly when both partners challenge traditional gender roles. The interconnected nature of the gay community, where many couples share the same friend groups, can also cause insecurity and jealousy, as there may be fears of romantic or sexual competition from close friends.
Ultimately, this competition within relationships can lead to unhealthy dynamics, where one partner feels like they’re constantly "losing" the competition. As competition escalates, it may result in resentment and frustration, undermining the very foundation of the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle of Comparison
While there are plenty of general tips available for reducing comparisons with others—such as practicing gratitude, focusing on what truly matters, and documenting personal achievements—gay men often face a deeper layer of challenges.
As psychotherapist Matthew J. Dempsey explains, the "compare and despair" phenomenon is particularly dangerous in the gay community, where competition among men can erode solidarity. Instead of seeing each other as allies in a world that often marginalizes us, many gay men compete as though we are rivals. This mindset is especially damaging given the adversity we already face from societal pressures, political forces, and discrimination.
It's crucial to recognize that, while comparing ourselves to others can sometimes serve as motivation, it often fosters insecurity. Although it's natural to feel intimidated by someone at times, comparing ourselves to others is ultimately a waste of time. As gay men, we all have unique qualities that make us valuable, and by building each other up instead of competing, our community will grow stronger and more resilient.
And when it comes to same-sex relationships, there are several proactive steps that can help reduce this competitive dynamic and foster a healthier, more supportive partnership.
One key strategy is open communication—partners should be honest about their needs and discuss the actions that make them feel supported. This open dialogue helps prevent misunderstandings and strengthens trust within the relationship. Financial literacy is another important aspect—couples can improve money management together by taking classes, making finances a shared responsibility rather than a source of competition.
Maintaining individual friendships is also essential for a balanced relationship. Encouraging your partner to spend time with their friends—without needing to be there—ensures both partners have a full social life and reduces the pressure to be each other’s sole source of emotional support. Finally, self-reflection plays a vital role. By taking time to understand your own needs and prioritizing self-care, you can better support your partner without feeling the need to compete.
Moving Beyond Competition
In a community that has faced so much marginalization, it’s easy to get caught up in the belief that we need to be the "best" version of ourselves to stand out or fit in. Whether we’re chasing fitness goals, building a successful career, or seeking love, it's important to reflect on why we’re doing these things. Are we striving for external approval, or are we working toward personal fulfillment and self-care? Real fulfillment comes from setting goals that align with our own values and desires, not from trying to outdo others or win their admiration.
At its core, our community should be a space of support, not competition. We need to step away from comparing ourselves to other gay men, whether it’s in terms of physical appearance, social status, or relationships. The reality is that we all have unique paths, and it’s time to celebrate those differences rather than compete.
When we prioritize our own emotional well-being and support others in doing the same, we create a space of empowerment, solidarity, and pride that isn’t rooted in comparison, but in mutual respect and understanding. Let’s lift each other up by embracing our individuality and celebrating the unique journeys of those around us.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 53. Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Gays.
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