Single and Unwilling to Mingle
For many gay men, societal pressures to date and settle down can create feelings of inadequacy, especially compared to our straight peers who started forming relationships during adolescence. These expectations can lead to the misconception that being single means something is wrong. However, embracing singlehood can be a fulfilling and empowering choice for gay men, so they can focus on building meaningful relationships in the long term rather than rushing into unhealthy ones. Furthermore, recognizing that being single is not synonymous with loneliness or failure helps challenge the outdated narrative that love must be found early in life.
The Meaning of Being Single: More Than Just a Relationship Status
Legally, a single person is someone who is not in a committed relationship or civil union. In everyday language, however, "single" typically refers to individuals who are not engaged in romantic, sexual, or long-term relationships. This includes people who are not dating, married, or in any type of romantic engagement, and it may also describe someone who is single by choice. Single individuals might still participate in dating and other activities in hopes of finding a long-term partner or spouse.
Globally, the number of single individuals is staggering. According to a 2023 blog post by the International Union of Sex Workers, there are approximately 2.1 billion single people around the world. In the United States alone, there were roughly 126.9 million single adults as of 2021, a figure that highlights just how many people share this experience.
Despite these numbers, there remains a societal perception that being single equates to unhappiness or loneliness, or that there is something inherently wrong with someone who is not in a relationship. This stereotype can create unnecessary pressure on those who are single, implying that there is a specific reason or flaw behind their status, even though being single is a natural and common part of many people's lives.
The Impact of Single Shaming on Gay Men
Single shaming, the societal tendency to devalue single individuals, has been a growing issue, especially in recent years. According to dating expert Haley Quinn, as noted in a March 2021 Cosmopolitan article, single shaming stems from the belief that being in a relationship is somehow superior to being single. This mindset leads to negative judgments about those who are not partnered, with many being treated as though they are incomplete or inadequate.
A Match survey revealed that 52% of people reported experiencing single shaming since the start of the pandemic. Of those, 38% felt pitied for not having a partner, while 30% were pitied for living alone. The BBC also examined this phenomenon in 2022, noting that single shaming is driven by societal expectations to conform to a traditional life path—partnered, with a home, children, and a dog. The pressure to meet these norms creates a stigma around being single, leading to assumptions that single individuals are lonely, sad, or flawed.
Common phrases like "You'll find someone soon" or "You must be so lonely" are often directed at single people, reinforcing these stereotypes. Additionally, comments like "I wouldn't want to be out there trying to date" or "You must have more free time because you're single and don't have kids” highlight a lack of understanding about the complexities of single life.
Furthermore, the perception of single people often differs based on gender. As noted by both Cosmopolitan and BBC, single women are often labeled as "spinsters," while single men are typically seen as "bachelors." This gendered view of singlehood overlooks the varied experiences individuals face.
Debunking Stereotypes About Gay Men and Singlehood
For gay men, the situation is further complicated by stereotypes, such as the assumption that gay men are promiscuous and therefore choose to remain single. However, these assumptions are not reflective of the reality for many gay men, who are often navigating their own unique challenges and desires when it comes to relationships.
A June 2020 Medium article examined reliable data from the General Social Survey, which provides insights into the number of sexual partners gay men have had throughout their lives. The survey, which gathered responses from 12,000 gay men between 2008 and 2018, defines sexual partners broadly, including oral, penetrative, or any sexual experiences, such as mutual touching. While the data is a few years old, it remains one of the most comprehensive sources available.
The findings revealed that 52% of gay men had between zero and 10 sexual partners in their lifetime. This challenges the stereotype that gay men are inherently promiscuous. Additional studies from the UK and Australia, which surveyed 20,000 and 25,000 gay men, respectively, found that approximately 50% of participants reported having zero to one sexual partner in the past year. These statistics highlight that many gay men have fewer sexual encounters than commonly assumed.
The Impact of Social Stigma on Gay Men's Relationships
Additionally, a study published in the December 2021 issue of Personality and Individual Differences examined the challenges that social stigma and limited same-sex outlets create for gay men in forming intimate relationships. The researchers found that the stigma surrounding same-sex attraction, along with societal pressure to conform to heterosexual marriage norms, often leads gay men to either enter heterosexual relationships or remain single to avoid facing discrimination.
In addition to these external pressures, emotional challenges such as internalized homophobia can also affect gay men’s ability to form long-term, healthy relationships. Even those who wish to live openly and pursue romantic connections may struggle with these deeply ingrained societal messages, which can hinder their emotional well-being and complicate their dating lives.
Celebrating Singlehood and Embracing Self-Love
While it's important to acknowledge the unique challenges gay men may face in romantic relationships, it's equally crucial for them to celebrate their singlehood in the present moment. And they are far from alone in this experience. A February 2023 Forbes article revealed that 57% of singles were not actively seeking a relationship, with another 7% casually looking, highlighting that many people are content with being single, a reality that is often overlooked.
Nicole Skyler, in a 2021 Medium article, advocates for normalizing being single in your 30s as a healthy and fulfilling life choice. Skyler challenges the deeply ingrained societal expectation that personal fulfillment must involve marriage or children, suggesting that alternative forms of love—whether for places, careers, or self-love—can be just as enriching. She emphasizes that while marriage is celebrated as an accomplishment, the commitment to oneself is rarely acknowledged.
For many, being single isn't a temporary phase but a fulfilling and intentional part of their journey. As a September 2023 Medium article titled "Reasons Why You Need to Embrace Singlehood" notes, we can't predict when or if we'll meet someone, so it's important to embrace our single life instead of waiting for an ideal partner to define our happiness. The article stresses that resisting or resenting our single status only holds us back from fully living our lives.
Instead of waiting for a relationship to start living, why not invest in building a fulfilling life on your own terms? This perspective shifts the focus from finding someone to complement your life to living in a way that attracts the right partner when the time comes. While investing in yourself, you can also embrace singlehood with these tips from ReachOut:
- Take Yourself on a Date
Spending quality time alone can be empowering. Doing activities you love, like going to the movies or enjoying a solo meal, allows you to focus on your own needs and desires. There's no compromise or negotiation—just pure enjoyment in your own company. - Commit to Yourself
Cultivate self-reliance by developing emotional resilience. Learning to depend on yourself ensures you're never left feeling empty or incomplete because you're not reliant on someone else for your happiness. - Pick Up New Hobbies
Make time for activities that bring you joy. Pursuing hobbies, whether rediscovering an old passion or trying something new, helps you stay fulfilled and adds richness to your life. For example, after a breakup, one person channeled their emotions into getting a book published, leading to a personal accomplishment that brought joy and self-growth. - Strengthen Your Friendships
Friendships are the foundation of a well-rounded life. When you're single, it's important to invest in these relationships by checking in on friends, sharing experiences, and planning fun activities. As relationships evolve, especially with friends who become parents, these connections can grow in fulfilling ways that enhance your own happiness.
As Skyler notes, self-love and deep personal connections should be celebrated—relationships with ourselves and with friends are just as significant as romantic partnerships. Embrace your single status as a chance to build the life you truly want.
Embracing Singlehood and the Possibility of Love
The pursuit of love is a natural and wonderful desire, but it's important to recognize the reality that it may not happen on a set timeline. For many gay men, finding a healthy relationship can be challenging, but that doesn't mean we should abandon the pursuit of happiness while single. It’s entirely possible—and even empowering—to live a fulfilling life without a partner.
Being single doesn’t have to equate to being incomplete or lonely. In fact, a relationship with the wrong person can feel more isolating than being alone. Meanwhile, embracing your single status creates space for self-discovery and personal growth, allowing you to live a life that’s fulfilling in its own right. And when the right partner does come along, they should complement your life —not complete it.
Whether content in your singleness or re-entering the dating scene, know that you don’t need a partner to enjoy life’s joys. After all, cultivating happiness on your own is the foundation for attracting healthy relationships in the future. Singlehood isn’t something to fear—it’s an opportunity for growth, and with the right mindset, it can lead to even greater possibilities in the future.
And remember: every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 102. Let's Normalize Being Single and Happy.
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