Just Because I Don’t Fit Into the Gay Party Scene Doesn't Mean I Have to Settle for Mediocre Heteros
Finding a sense of community within the LGBTQ+ world is essential, especially for those of us who have experienced gay loneliness. Yet, some gay men struggle to find their place, particularly if they don't resonate with the stereotypical gay party scene often portrayed in the media. For others, the gay community may be viewed only as a dating pool.
Building strong friendships and feeling a sense of belonging within the gay community is crucial for our well-being. Although it can be challenging to connect with like-minded individuals, it's important to seek out authentic connections that go beyond romantic attraction, fostering a healthier and more supportive LGBTQ+ community.
The Urban-Rural Divide
Living outside of a major city can present unique challenges for members of the LGBTQ+ community, particularly when it comes to finding opportunities to connect with like-minded individuals. Smaller towns often lack the same level of resources and community spaces that larger urban areas offer, making it harder to build a supportive network.
However, one positive outcome of the pandemic has been the significant increase in virtual groups and organizations. Even as we’ve transitioned back to a sense of normalcy, many of these organizations continue to offer virtual options, which can be a great resource for those living in less populated areas.
If you’re in a smaller town, consider looking for LGBTQ+ groups in a nearby city that you could drive to, perhaps within a half-hour to an hour’s distance. Many of these groups may still offer virtual meetings, allowing you to participate and connect with others without the need to travel frequently.
Gay Bars: A Mixed Bag
Gay bars and clubs are often seen as the go-to spots for meeting members of the LGBTQ+ community, but they're not for everyone. While they provide a social environment for many, they don’t always align with everyone’s comfort level or lifestyle.
Personally, I’ve had mixed experiences with gay bars. I'm not much of a drinker or someone who enjoys late-night partying, so the loud, often chaotic atmosphere of bars isn’t where I feel most at ease. Also, in some venues, I’ve noticed a tendency towards cliquishness and, at times, a bit of toxicity.
That said, I wouldn’t discourage anyone from exploring the bar scene. It’s worth dipping your toes in to see if it’s a good fit for you. Visit a few local spots and get a feel for the atmosphere—sometimes, you’ll find a laid-back, welcoming environment where people are genuinely interested in socializing and making connections.
Many gay bars also host events beyond the typical night out, like Drag Bingo or social events, which can provide a more structured way to meet new people. Checking out the bar’s website or social media for upcoming events might lead you to opportunities that feel more comfortable and engaging.
Equality Centers and Volunteer Groups
One of the best ways to connect with your local LGBTQ+ community is by checking out your local equality center. These centers are valuable resources that not only provide support for LGBTQ+ individuals but also offer numerous opportunities to get involved in various organizations and initiatives.
Equality centers often have directories filled with contacts and organizations that can help you find your place within the community. Moreover, many centers offer volunteering opportunities, which can be a rewarding way to give back while meeting new people. Volunteering not only uplifts your mood but also allows you to make a positive impact in your community and forge connections with others who share your values.
Speaking of volunteering, there are several LGBTQ-focused volunteer groups, such as Gay4Good, a national organization with chapters across the country, including locations like Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York City, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, and Washington, DC, among others.
I got involved with the Pittsburgh chapter of Gay4Good back in 2018, and it was a fantastic experience. Not only was I able to contribute positively to my community but also, I also made meaningful personal connections. Volunteering through these types of organizations is a great way to support and engage with the LGBTQ+ community, meet new people, and possibly even form lifelong friendships.
Meetup Groups
Another excellent resource for finding community and events is Meetup.com, a platform that helps you connect with groups and organizations centered around specific interests in your area. By simply typing in "LGBT Meetup," you can discover a variety of groups that cater to different aspects of the LGBTQ+ community.
From book clubs to line dancing, there’s something for everyone that can open doors to new friendships and opportunities within the LGBTQ+ community. If you can’t find a group that appeals to you, don’t hesitate to start your own. Odds are, you’re not the only one looking for a particular niche.
Online Groups & Chats
Another option for connecting with others in the LGBTQ+ community is through online groups and chats, such as those found on Reddit. These online spaces host numerous gay-focused threads and communities where you can engage in discussions, share experiences, or even find a virtual pen pal.
One of the benefits of these online communities is the potential to discover local organizations or events that you might not have known about otherwise. By participating in discussions or simply browsing through threads, you could stumble upon information about groups, meetups, or activities in your area that align with your interests.
LGBTQ+-Affirming Faith-Based Groups
For those who are religious, there are opportunities to connect with the community through LGBTQ+-affirming faith-based organizations. Some liberal religious organizations offer LGBTQ+ groups or support networks, which can provide a space where you can explore both your sexuality and your faith in a supportive environment.
Employee Resource Groups
Additionally, consider exploring whether your workplace has an LGBTQ+ employee resource group (ERG). Since 2020, many companies have expanded their diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) efforts, including the creation of ERGs.
An LGBTQ+ ERG serves as a hub where you can connect with other LGBTQ+ professionals within your organization. Depending on the size and scope of your company, these groups may have a central chapter or multiple chapters for different regions, especially in global organizations.
These ERGs not only offer networking opportunities but also provide access to various resources, including mental health support and professional development. They often host social events, which can be a great way to meet new people and broaden your professional and personal network.
Even if you don’t immediately click with everyone you meet, participating in ERG events can still be valuable. You might find connections through others in the group or gain introductions to their networks, expanding your circle further.
Friends of Friends
While it might seem a bit unconventional, another simple way to expand your social circle is to ask your friends if they know any LGBTQ+ individuals. This isn’t about setting up a blind date, but rather about seeking opportunities to build a sense of community and make new connections.
Even if your immediate circle is small or doesn’t include many LGBTQ+ individuals, you might find that their broader networks have more diversity. This approach can help you find new connections and build a supportive community without the pressure of romantic expectations.
Gay Apps: Not Just for Dating
Also, don’t overlook the potential of dating apps when searching for connections. While many dating apps tend to focus on hookups and sexual encounters, they also offer opportunities to meet people who are genuinely interested in forming friendships.
Even if the primary focus of an app seems to be dating, you might come across profiles from people who are looking for friends or who are open to non-romantic relationships. Additionally, sometimes a genuine friendship can emerge from what initially seemed like a dating opportunity. So, keep an open mind and remember that building a supportive network can come from unexpected places.
Create Your Own Group
If you’re struggling to find the group or community you’re looking for, don’t hesitate to start your own. Chances are, there are others out there who share your interests and are in the same boat.
In our increasingly digital world, creating an online group is easier than ever. You can use platforms like Zoom to host regular meetings and connect with like-minded individuals. Whether you’re interested in discussing a particular video game, exploring a hobby, or delving into any other shared interest, starting a group can be a great way to build community.
Be Patient and Persistent
Building meaningful connections and overcoming loneliness is not something that happens overnight. If you're feeling isolated or struggling to find your place within the LGBTQ+ community, it’s important to understand that change takes time and persistence.
When trying to meet new people, it’s essential to give each opportunity a fair chance. If one option doesn’t resonate with you, don’t get discouraged. Instead, explore other possibilities. Maybe a different Meetup group or a social app will be a better fit. You could also consider visiting a gay bar, or if you work for a larger company, see if there’s an LGBTQ Employee Resource Group you can join.
Finding a close friend or a community of supportive individuals usually requires trying out multiple paths. It’s an ongoing process, but the effort is worth it. By being open and authentic, you can build a network of healthy relationships within the community—one that provides both the support you need and the opportunity to offer that support to others.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 08. Finding Your Community.
Tune into your favorite podcast player every Tuesday for new episodes of A Jaded Gay.
