Girl, Please: Stop People Pleasing
For many gay men, learning to set boundaries to protect our emotional and physical health can be challenging. From an early age, many of us were taught to prioritize the feelings and opinions of others over our own. This lesson is often intensified within the LGBTQ+ community, where being openly out and proud can sometimes be seen as a disruption to societal norms or an inconvenience to those around us.
In turn, we may have felt compelled to dilute our authentic selves to avoid making others uncomfortable. This tendency to please others, often at the expense of our own well-being, is common, and learning to break free from it is crucial for maintaining a healthy sense of self and building stronger, more honest relationships.
Understanding People-Pleasing Behaviors
A "people pleaser" is typically described as someone who seeks to make others happy, often to the detriment of their own needs. According to Merriam-Webster, a people pleaser is someone driven by an emotional need to please others, sometimes at the expense of their own desires. While wanting to make others happy is a natural human trait, especially considering that humans are inherently social, it becomes problematic when this urge overwhelms an individual’s ability to prioritize their own well-being.
As Psychology Today explains, the desire to please others is normal, but it becomes a concern when someone consistently prioritizes others' needs above their own. This can lead to feelings of resentment, dissatisfaction, and even depression. People pleasers may struggle with a persistent fear that if they stop trying to please others, they will face rejection and become unloved or uncared for.
Root Causes of People-Pleasing Behaviors
Although "people pleasing" is not a formal medical diagnosis, experts identify several factors that contribute to this behavior. Medical News Today outlines several potential causes:
- Low Self-Esteem
People who feel inadequate or unworthy may place less value on their own needs. As a result, they may avoid advocating for themselves or even lack awareness of what they truly want. They may also feel that their existence has little purpose unless they are helping others. - Anxiety
Anxiety, particularly social anxiety, can fuel people-pleasing behavior. Individuals may feel compelled to go along with others' wishes to avoid rejection, embarrassment, or offending anyone. This constant striving for approval can be a way of attempting to control others' perceptions. - Conflict Avoidance
Some people engage in people-pleasing to avoid confrontation or arguments. The desire for peace may lead them to suppress their own preferences or desires in favor of maintaining harmony. - Cultural and Social Influences
Cultural upbringing and societal expectations can also play a significant role. In some cultures or families, selflessness is highly valued, and individuals may be taught that caring for others is a primary responsibility. This can create an internal conflict between one’s own needs and the perceived duty to others. - Gender and Societal Inequities
In patriarchal societies, certain gender roles may reinforce people-pleasing behaviors, particularly in women. The expectation that women should be nurturing or self-sacrificing can further perpetuate these tendencies. - Personality Disorders
In some cases, people-pleasing may be linked to mental health conditions, such as Dependent Personality Disorder, where individuals rely heavily on others for approval and support across various aspects of life. - Trauma Responses
Trauma can also contribute to people-pleasing behaviors. A trauma response known as "fawning" involves attempting to gain affection or approval from those perceived as a threat. This coping mechanism can arise from an individual's need to survive emotionally or physically by appeasing those in power. - Perfectionism
Perfectionism can also intertwine with people-pleasing, as individuals with perfectionistic tendencies may feel an overwhelming need to meet others' expectations, fearing failure or rejection if they do not.
Ultimately, the root cause of people-pleasing behaviors often boils down to a profound fear of rejection, failure, or inadequacy. When these fears go unchecked, they can result in a cycle of self-neglect and emotional distress.
Recognizing the Traits of People-Pleasing Behavior
People-pleasing behaviors can manifest in a variety of ways, and according to Psychology Today, some common traits include:
- Low self-esteem
- Prioritizing others’ needs over their own
- Going along with the flow dictated by others
- Being overly agreeable, often at the cost of personal preferences
People pleasers may quickly agree to things they don’t actually agree with, all in the pursuit of avoiding conflict and gaining approval. This tendency can extend to a reluctance to assert themselves or say no, which leaves their own needs unmet. They may feel a sense of worth when complying with others and often seek validation through praise.
Additionally, people pleasers may apologize when no apology is necessary, take the blame when they are not at fault, and make excuses for others’ mistakes. These individuals often lack self-awareness, which further perpetuates their struggle to set healthy boundaries.
It’s important to note that wanting to help others, considering their feelings, and occasionally going out of your way to be kind does not equate to people-pleasing. Being a considerate person is different from being a people pleaser. The core difference lies in the motivation: people pleasers act to seek approval and validation from others, relying on external recognition rather than internal self-assurance.
Delving Deeper into People-Pleasing Traits
A significant trait of people pleasers is the tendency to apologize excessively, even when no wrongdoing has occurred. As WebMD points out, people pleasers often take responsibility for others' emotions, blaming themselves when others are upset, even if it is beyond their control. This over-apologizing is rooted in an emotional need for reassurance, rather than a true acknowledgment of fault.
Another common behavior is the tendency to change one's personality to fit in with different people or groups. WebMD highlights that people pleasers may adjust their behavior to mirror others, even if it means acting out of character or engaging in activities they personally disagree with. This desire to fit in and avoid conflict can lead to participating in actions that are inconsistent with their authentic selves.
Furthermore, as Healthline explains, people pleasers often have a deep fear of anger or conflict. For them, anger signifies failure because it suggests that someone is unhappy, and their primary goal is to keep others content. In such situations, they may rush to apologize or take actions they believe will appease the other person, even when the anger isn't directed at them. This fear of conflict can extend to situations where they are caught between two parties in disagreement, feeling the need to intervene or apologize even when they are not involved.
The Impact of Trauma on People-Pleasing in Gay Men
As mentioned earlier, people-pleasing can often stem from deep-seated trauma, with common responses including fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning. The term "fawning," though relatively new to the public, has particular significance for gay men. According to The Centre for Gay Counseling, fawning is a coping mechanism where an individual tries to appease others in order to avoid conflict or rejection, and this behavior can be especially pronounced in gay men. In many ways, gay men have been socialized to present themselves in ways that are acceptable or non-threatening to mainstream society, often at the expense of their authentic selves.
For instance, gay men have been frequently portrayed in specific, stereotypical ways, such as the "gay best friend" or the flamboyant, sassy character that straight people can laugh at without feeling threatened. In other cases, there’s the stereotype of the gay man who blends in or "passes" as straight, making others feel more comfortable by seeming less overtly gay. These portrayals often demand that gay men conform to a socially acceptable version of themselves, reinforcing the idea that they must please others in order to be accepted.
This tendency to fawn is closely linked to early experiences of trauma and low self-worth. For many gay men, growing up feeling "different" from their peers can lead to a deep internalized pressure to hide their true selves. As a 2019 Advocate article notes, hiding one’s sexuality, even pretending to be straight, can be emotionally exhausting. This process of self-denial requires immense energy and often results in a fractured sense of identity. The article points out that when children are taught to conceal their true selves to avoid rejection, that habit of hiding can persist into adulthood if not unlearned.
For many gay men, the experience of putting others’ needs first begins in childhood. Comments from family members or peers—whether directly hostile or subtly prejudiced—can make it clear that being openly gay is not acceptable or comfortable for those around them. To avoid rejection or harm, gay men may suppress their identities, neglecting their own needs and desires in the process.
Even as adults, despite being out and accepting their sexuality, the lingering effects of that trauma can make it difficult to fully shed the habit of people-pleasing. The fear of rejection may still drive them to act in ways that minimize discomfort for others, a protective measure carried over from years of learned behavior.
The Toll of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing behaviors can be emotionally and physically exhausting. According to Psychology Today, the constant need to please others and neglect our own needs can lead to several negative outcomes:
- Stress: People-pleasers often feel the strain of behaving in ways that are not authentic, which can lead to internal conflict and anxiety. Ignoring their own wants and needs in favor of others creates a cycle of stress.
- Exhaustion: Both mental and physical fatigue can set in when individuals take on too much or maintain a facade of cheerfulness, all in an attempt to please others.
- Neglecting Self-Care: People-pleasers frequently prioritize others over themselves, leading to neglect of their own well-being and self-care.
- Loss of Identity: Constantly focusing on the needs of others can result in a diminished sense of self. People-pleasers may lose sight of what they want or how they feel, as their attention is diverted by others' expectations.
- Role Conflict: Striving to please people in different contexts can create a conflict between different aspects of one's identity. For instance, the persona a person adopts at work may differ from the one they adopt at home, leading to internal tension.
- Resentment: Over time, people-pleasers may feel trapped in their role, as they feel compelled to meet others' demands. This can lead to bottled-up anger and resentment, especially if they feel taken advantage of.
- Relationship Strain: Ultimately, people-pleasing can lead to dissatisfaction in relationships. Partners, family, and friends may feel frustrated or disconnected when one person is always giving in or neglecting their own needs.
An often overlooked consequence of people-pleasing is how it can unintentionally take away others' autonomy. Healthline notes that when you consistently do things for others—whether it's agreeing with everyone, apologizing for things you didn't do, or lying to spare someone's feelings—you may unintentionally diminish their ability to act for themselves. This dynamic can lead to frustration, with others questioning your actions or resenting the lack of transparency and honesty.
Prioritize Yourself: Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing habits requires learning how to prioritize yourself and establish healthy boundaries. According to Psychology Today, one of the most effective ways to counteract people-pleasing is by becoming aware of your limits and communicating them clearly to others. This helps you protect your emotional well-being and ensures that you're not overcommitting to others' needs at the expense of your own.
One of the first steps in overcoming people-pleasing is putting yourself first. While it's natural to want to help others, we need to preserve our own emotional and physical resources in order to be there for others. Practicing self-care and putting your needs first isn’t selfish—it’s essential for maintaining a healthy balance in your relationships. This could mean expressing your opinions at work, acknowledging and understanding your feelings, or communicating your needs in personal relationships. Healthline emphasizes that setting boundaries is a key part of this process, allowing you to engage with others without losing sight of your own priorities.
In addition, it’s important to be mindful of your motivations when offering help. Kindness should come from a genuine desire to make things better, not from a need for approval. Before you agree to assist someone, consider your intentions and how you might feel afterward. Will the act bring you joy, or might it lead to resentment if your efforts go unrecognized?
Medical News Today suggests a few practical strategies for managing people-pleasing behavior:
- Start Small: Begin by focusing on one need at a time. This makes it easier to set boundaries without feeling overwhelmed.
- Pause Before Responding: Instead of immediately agreeing to a request, take some time to think about whether you can realistically accommodate it.
- Set Time Limits: When you do say yes, include a time limit to prevent overcommitting. This helps you maintain control over your schedule.
- Block Time for Yourself: Designate certain periods of your day as off-limits for requests or plans, ensuring that you have time to recharge.
- Practice Saying No: Rehearsing tactful and empathetic ways to say no can make it easier to assert yourself in the moment.
Another key aspect of overcoming people-pleasing is creating space for yourself. Pay attention to where your time and energy go, and reflect on how often you say yes when asked to help. The Centre for Gay Counseling suggests tracking these moments and considering how they align with your personal values and well-being. Recognizing patterns in your behavior, such as feeling compelled to please certain individuals, can also provide insight into deeper emotional needs, possibly tied to past experiences or unresolved hurt.
Finally, if you find that people-pleasing is deeply ingrained in your behavior, it may be helpful to seek professional guidance. A therapist can help you explore the root causes of this pattern, especially if it stems from childhood trauma, and can offer strategies for breaking free from these habits.
Reclaim Your Voice and Embrace Self-Advocacy
As gay men, we may have faced past challenges that have shaken our confidence, especially when it comes to advocating for ourselves. Perhaps it was a difficult relationship where we felt unable to speak up, or even when we did assert ourselves, we faced rejection. These experiences can leave us questioning our right to assert our needs or set boundaries.
However, as we move forward, we are working to reclaim our autonomy and rebuild our confidence in both ourselves and our ability to navigate life's challenges. Whether in relationships, at work, or in everyday interactions, this restoration of confidence is essential.
It's important to acknowledge that learning to speak up for ourselves is a gradual process. Self-advocacy doesn’t happen overnight, and expecting instant success isn't realistic. Instead, it’s about taking small, deliberate steps. Begin by practicing saying no to requests that don’t align with your values, and reflect on why you may feel compelled to say yes to things that may not serve you.
Though challenging, it's important to recognize that we, as gay men, are worthy of advocating for our needs. By prioritizing yourself, you can learn to be empowered to make decisions that support your happiness and well-being. With persistence and consistent effort, you can strengthen your ability to advocate for yourself and reclaim your voice.
And remember: every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 94. Girl, Please: Say No to People-Pleasing.
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