As Nina Sayers Says in Black Swan, “I Just Want to be Perfect.”
Perfectionism is a complex personality trait that manifests across various aspects of our lives, including career success, body image, and personal achievements. At its core, Merriam-Webster defines perfectionism as "a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable." Meanwhile, Psychology Today adds that perfectionism is primarily driven by internal pressures. It’s an inward force that shapes how we perceive ourselves and our accomplishments.
The Link Between Perfectionism and The Velvet Rage
The connection between perfectionism and The Velvet Rage is clear and deeply rooted in the experiences of growing up gay in a heteronormative society. From a young age, many of us are acutely aware of being different, but we're often surrounded by environments that do not reflect or affirm our identities.
As discussed in the blog post on internalized homophobia, a study highlighted that, unlike other marginalized communities, gay men typically do not share their minority status with others in their immediate surroundings. We often grow up in straight families with little to no LGBTQ+ representation, leaving us without gay role models or a supportive, affirming community during our formative years.
This lack of representation and support can stunt the healthy development of our sociosexual identity. While straight individuals have the opportunity to explore their identities freely during adolescence, gay men are often left to navigate this journey later in life, usually after significant developmental milestones have passed. As a result, we're left grappling with feelings of shame and trauma. The fear of rejection or judgment leads us to conceal our true selves, fostering a sense of shame around our secret identity.
This is where perfectionism often comes into play. Viewing our gay identity as a perceived weakness, we may strive to overcompensate in other areas of our lives—whether in our careers, achievements, or social status—in an attempt to "make up" for what we see as shortcomings. Many of us have likely gone through this phase during our coming-out journeys, using perfectionism as a shield against the pain of societal rejection.
Three Types of Perfectionism and Their Cyclical Nature
According to Psychology Today, perfectionism can be categorized into three distinct types: self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed perfectionism. Each type involves a unique relationship with perfection, impacting both the individual and their interactions with others.
- Self-Oriented Perfectionism: Self-oriented perfectionism involves imposing an unrealistic desire for perfection on oneself. This type is characterized by internal pressures and a constant drive to meet exceedingly high personal standards. It’s the voice in your head that says anything less than perfect is unacceptable, creating a relentless and often unachievable pursuit of flawlessness.
- Other-Oriented Perfectionism: Other-oriented perfectionism occurs when someone projects their unrealistic standards of perfection onto others. This could manifest as an overbearing parent, a demanding boss, or a significant other who pushes their expectations onto those around them. These individuals impose their idea of perfection onto others, expecting them to conform to their standards. This type of perfectionism is less about self-improvement and more about controlling and molding others to fit a particular ideal.
- Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: Socially prescribed perfectionism involves perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others. In this scenario, an individual feels they are the recipient of external pressures, believing that others expect them to be perfect. This can stem from various sources, such as societal standards, cultural norms, or the influence of significant others who impose their own perfectionistic expectations.
While these forms of perfectionism can exist independently, they often intertwine, creating a cyclical pattern that can be particularly damaging in interpersonal relationships. For instance, in a manipulative or toxic relationship, a partner exhibiting other-oriented perfectionism might impose their unrealistic standards on you. Over time, you may start to internalize these expectations, transitioning into self-oriented perfectionism as you strive to meet these imposed ideals.
This cycle can be challenging to break, especially when perfectionism becomes ingrained in one’s self-concept. The external pressures from socially prescribed perfectionism can easily feed into the internal pressures of self-oriented perfectionism, creating a loop of unrelenting expectations and self-criticism.
Common and Lesser-Known Signs of Perfectionism
Perfectionism often manifests in various ways, many of which might be familiar. Common examples include:
- An All-or-Nothing Attitude: You believe everything in your life needs to be perfect or it’s not worth doing at all.
- Craving Approval: You constantly seek validation from others.
- Criticism of Others: You are highly critical, not just of yourself but of those around you.
- Procrastination: You delay tasks because of a fear of failing or not meeting your own standards.
- Guilt Over Mistakes: Even minor errors can fill you with guilt.
However, perfectionism can also show up in less obvious ways:
- Always Looking Put Together: You might feel the need to present a perfect image at all times.
- Hesitation to Share Ideas: You keep your thoughts to yourself until you feel they are fully formed and perfect.
- Living by Lists: Lists become a way to control and manage every aspect of your life.
- Difficulty Relaxing: It's hard to unwind when you feel like there are still tasks to be completed.
- Needing Order to Focus: Concentration only comes when everything around you is just right.
- Decision-Making Extremes: You are either extremely indecisive, paralyzed by choices, or overly decisive, believing there is a single "right" way to proceed.
- Inability to Delegate: Trusting others with tasks feels impossible because you fear they won't meet your standards.
- Aversion to Waste: The idea of abandoning a project or task, even one you dislike, feels like wasted time, so you persist even when it no longer serves you.
Going through this list can be eye-opening, realizing that these patterns aren’t just quirks but are deeply ingrained habits that need to be addressed. Recognizing these aspects of perfectionism is the first step in starting that journey.
The Dual Nature of Perfectionism
It’s important to acknowledge that while perfectionism is often seen as a flaw, it can also have positive aspects. According to Psychology Today, perfectionism can be beneficial—up to a point.
In essence, perfectionism can manifest in two distinct ways, and how you manage it makes all the difference. For some, perfectionism is about enjoying challenges, striving for growth, and using high standards to motivate themselves. These are the adaptive perfectionists who view their tendencies as strengths. On the flip side, maladaptive perfectionists set unrealistic expectations and are driven by a fear of failure, often feeling defeated when they fall short.
It’s a fine line to walk. If you struggle with perfectionism, it’s tempting to rationalize it as a positive trait, especially when it drives you to excel. However, it’s crucial to recognize when those high standards cross into unhealthy territory. Setting unattainable goals can lead to a host of negative outcomes, including:
- Toxic Comparisons: Constantly measuring yourself against others in a detrimental way.
- Low Self-Esteem: Feeling inadequate because you don’t meet your own unrealistic standards.
- Feelings of Unworthiness: Believing that nothing you do is ever good enough.
Perfectionism is often rooted in deeper issues, like the fear of failure or adverse experiences in childhood. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum and frequently coexists with mental health challenges, such as:
- Depression: The persistent sense of sadness or hopelessness when perfection isn’t achieved.
- Anxiety: Constant worry about not meeting expectations or making mistakes.
- Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Engaging in repetitive behaviors to try to manage anxiety linked to perfectionism.
- Eating Disorders: Using food as a means of control in the pursuit of an ideal body image.
- Suicidal Impulses: In extreme cases, feeling overwhelmed by the relentless pressure to be perfect.
While it's tempting to see perfectionism as a drive toward excellence, it’s essential to understand its dual nature. When left unchecked, perfectionism can be less about achieving success and more about avoiding perceived failures, leading to a cycle of dissatisfaction and mental distress. Recognizing these patterns and striving for balance can help turn perfectionistic tendencies from a source of stress into a tool for personal growth.
Additionally, it's important to distinguish between perfectionism and OCD, as the terms are often mistakenly used interchangeably. Perfectionism is a personality trait marked by high standards and expectations, while OCD is a psychiatric condition characterized by uncontrollable intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors. Although perfectionistic tendencies can be a symptom of OCD, they are not synonymous.
Perfectionism and Gay Shame: The Compensatory Behaviors That Emerge
Now that we've explored perfectionism in a general sense, it’s important to recognize how closely it ties into the concept of gay shame. Many gay men carry an unconscious burden of shame, stemming from growing up in a society that often viewed being gay as negative, emasculating, and something to be rejected. This societal rejection often leads gay men to compensate in various ways to mask or cope with that shame. According to myTherapyNYC, there are five primary ways gay men might use perfectionistic behaviors to compensate for their shame:
- Striving for the Perfect Body: This desire often links back to societal ideals of masculinity. Growing up, gay men were frequently exposed to the message that they should be strong, tough, and macho—and that to be gay was to be the opposite: effeminate or weak. In striving for the perfect body, gay men may feel they are reclaiming a sense of masculinity that society told them they lacked. Additionally, there’s a belief that achieving the ideal body could serve as a shield against rejection from other gay men—if someone rejects them, it’s easier to rationalize it as unrelated to their appearance.
- Placing Excessive Value on Money and Status: Dr. Alan Downs touches on this idea in The Velvet Rage. Money and status have traditionally been markers of success, and gay men might use these as a smokescreen to hide their shame behind a façade of success. The danger lies in the lengths some might go to maintain this illusion—potentially even going into debt to project an image of financial stability and social standing.
- Seeking Validation Through Sex: From a young age, gay men are often exposed to messages that their attractions are wrong. Upon coming out, the opportunity to explore these attractions can sometimes be taken to extremes, with some seeking validation through anonymous sex. This isn't the same as casually hooking up—when done safely and consensually, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. However, for some gay men, the need for validation can drive them into a cycle of fleeting encounters that don't bring joy but rather a temporary sense of worth. Once the encounter is over, those feelings of shame resurface, driving them to seek out the next encounter in a dangerous cycle of temporary validation and ongoing shame.
- Excluding Those Who Are Different: Many are familiar with the cliquish behavior often seen in gay social circles—like the stereotypical group of judgmental men at a gay bar or the exclusionary lines on dating apps that state, "no fats, no femmes, no [insert race here]." This behavior often stems from a fear of deviating from the ideal of the muscular, white, straight-presenting gay man frequently portrayed in media. By excluding those who don’t fit this mold, some gay men may feel they're protecting their own appearance or status. It’s similar to the character Dion in Clueless when she worries that associating with someone perceived as less desirable will lower their social standing: “She is toe up. Our stock would plummet.”
- Coping with Drugs and Alcohol: Substance abuse is a common method of coping with underlying pain and shame. While drugs and alcohol can temporarily numb these feelings, they don’t address the root causes of shame. The relief is short-lived, and once the effects wear off, the underlying feelings often return, sometimes even stronger. Moreover, substance abuse carries its own set of negative health implications, which can further exacerbate feelings of shame and self-loathing.
Letting Go of Comparative Mindsets to Overcome Perfectionism
According to Psychology Today, one effective way to overcome perfectionism is by practicing mindfulness and self-compassion. A critical aspect of mindfulness involves letting go of our comparative mindsets—specifically, the tendency to measure our own worth against others' accomplishments and life journeys. This habit is a major driver of perfectionistic tendencies and often results in negative self-judgment.
However, if we truly want to succeed and reach our goals, it’s crucial to do so in a way that’s kind to ourselves. We need to work toward our aspirations without letting perfectionism drive us to the point of burnout or self-loathing.
Psychology Today offers a practical strategy to interrupt the cycle of comparison: when you notice that you’re comparing yourself to others, try to bring yourself back to the present moment. This can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths and redirecting your focus to the genuine effort you're putting into whatever you’re doing. This shift in attention can help alleviate the stress that comes with comparison.
In addition to mindfulness, a crucial element in addressing perfectionism is practicing self-compassion in simple, yet powerful actions such as:
- Looking in the mirror and saying "I love you" to yourself.
- Speaking to yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend.
- Forgiving yourself when you make mistakes, rather than harshly criticizing yourself.
- Taking stock of your current life and routines, recognizing the ways you already care for yourself.
- Asking yourself what you need in the moment to feel supported and nurtured.
Three Steps to Help Gay Men Overcome Perfectionism
Additionally, in an Ask Adam column in The Advocate, Adam Blum outlined practical steps for gay men to take to overcome perfectionism. This guidance is particularly relevant for those of us who have internalized societal expectations and stereotypes that drive unrealistic standards in our lives.
- Acknowledge That Social Teachings Are False: Perfectionism and shame often stem from deeply rooted beliefs in stereotypes and cultural myths, such as the ideas that feminine qualities are undesirable, gay sex is dirty, men can't be trusted, or that being straight is the ideal. These harmful teachings were often ingrained in us during childhood, and as adults, we need to consciously reject them. Acknowledging that these beliefs are false and unhelpful is the first step toward freeing ourselves from the perfectionism they perpetuate.
- Feel Righteous Anger About These Teachings: It’s important to recognize that what we were taught to believe was not just false—it was destructive. These harmful teachings have had a lasting impact on our emotional well-being, and it’s perfectly valid to feel angry about that. Allowing ourselves to experience this righteous anger can be empowering, providing a necessary release and helping us to understand that these beliefs were unjust. However, it's crucial to strike a balance: while acknowledging anger is healthy, we must also find ways to move past it, so it doesn't consume us.
- Affirm That Perfectionism Has Had Some Positive Effects: While perfectionism can be detrimental, it’s also important to recognize that it has occasionally served us well. For instance, striving for perfection might have helped us survive the challenges of adolescence as we struggled with our sexuality. It may have driven us to achieve financial security and independence, particularly if we felt we had no one else to rely on. This isn’t to justify perfectionism but to foster self-compassion, helping us avoid the trap of beating ourselves up for being overly self-critical. It’s easy to fall into a vicious cycle where we criticize ourselves for our perfectionism, only to criticize ourselves again for being harsh. Recognizing the positive aspects can help us break this cycle.
Embracing Imperfection: Finding Balance in the Pursuit of Self-Compassion
Perfectionism is a relatable struggle—especially for gay men—that often leads to emotional and physical exhaustion, leaving many feeling like passive observers in their own lives. They can become so caught up in what needs to be done or what hasn’t been accomplished that they miss out on living in the present moment. For those who recognize this struggle, the next step might be to identify areas where they can afford to be a little imperfect. This doesn’t mean giving up completely on personal goals or routines but rather finding small ways to ease the pressure.
It’s important to recognize that abandoning perfectionism overnight is unrealistic. Trying to change everything at once might backfire and lead to overwhelming feelings. Instead, the goal should be to start small, focusing on one area—whether it’s career, personal life, or fitness—and finding manageable ways to ease up on perfectionistic tendencies. As comfort with these changes grows, they can be expanded to other parts of life.
The key is to approach this process gradually and to regularly check in with yourself to gauge feelings and reactions. Just as people set boundaries in their work, relationships, and friendships, setting boundaries with ourselves is equally important. During moments of perfectionistic behavior, it can be helpful to take intentional breaks—30 minutes to relax without distractions or worries about the next task. This time can be spent enjoying simple pleasures like reading, watching a favorite show, or taking a walk.
Perfection is an impossible standard, and constantly striving to achieve it only leads to exhaustion and dissatisfaction. By setting realistic goals and allowing for imperfections, we can live more fully in the moment and embrace our authentic selves along the way.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 13. Perfectly Imperfect: Conquer Your Perfectionism.
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