Ho Ho How the Hell Are We Gonna Get Through This?
As the holiday season swings into full gear, it's impossible to ignore the festive ads, decorations, and music that have been with us since before Halloween. There is a palpable sense of joy in the air. But while the holidays bring cheer for many, for others, especially within the LGBTQ+ community, it can be a season marked by stress, loneliness, and even sadness.
The holiday season is notoriously stressful for everyone, whether it's the pressure of shopping, managing finances, or interacting with family members who don't share the same views. However, for LGBTQ+ individuals, the season brings unique challenges that can exacerbate feelings of exclusion and isolation.
Common Holiday Stressors
The American Psychological Association notes that common holiday stressors include financial pressures from gift-giving and traveling. Add in the unavoidable family friction—ranging from awkward comments to intense political debates—and the holidays can become overwhelming. Grief also tends to surface this time of year, as many of us are reminded of loved ones who are no longer with us.
LGBTQ+ People and Family Rejection
Family dynamics are rarely easy, but LGBTQ+ individuals often face an additional layer of stress during the holidays. The season is synonymous with family gatherings, which can be difficult for those of us who have experienced rejection, either outright or subtle, from our families. FHE Health explains that even when families attempt to be supportive, it can often feel forced, making holiday gatherings uncomfortable.
The holidays, which are often portrayed as a time of love and togetherness, may instead trigger feelings of loneliness for LGBTQ+ people. Dr. Gregory Jones of District Psychotherapy Associates highlights that many LGBTQ+ individuals have faced some form of loss, whether through family rejection, broken relationships, or ostracization. These experiences are often magnified during the holiday season, making it a time of judgment, anxiety, and exclusion.
Even for those who haven’t been rejected, the idea of facing family members with conflicting religious or political beliefs can lead to panic. Microaggressions—small, subtle comments or actions that marginalize someone based on their identity—can arise, making gatherings uncomfortable or even harmful.
The Struggle to Be Your Authentic Self
Returning home for the holidays often means censoring our true selves, especially for LGBTQ+ individuals. Whether we are out to our families or not, the fear of judgment may force us to avoid topics like relationships or dating. This need to hide parts of ourselves is a painful reminder that our families may never fully accept us for who we are. Many LGBTQ+ individuals choose not to return home at all to avoid the awkwardness or outright rejection.
Even those who remain with their chosen family may find that the omnipresence of the holiday theme of “family togetherness” can still trigger feelings of isolation. Additionally, many of us have spent years doing the hard work of accepting and loving ourselves as adults, but the holiday season can sometimes threaten to unravel that progress.
Surviving the Holidays: Setting Boundaries and Self-Care
So, how do we navigate the holiday season and protect our mental health? The first and most crucial step is setting boundaries. This may involve saying no to certain events or traditions that are triggering, such as avoiding a family member’s political rants or opting out of religious gatherings if they bring up past traumas. Boundaries are an essential form of self-care that allow us to stay safe, healthy, and emotionally stable.
Another helpful strategy is to carve out alone time. The chaos of family gatherings can be overwhelming, so don’t hesitate to step away, read a book, or take a walk. These quiet moments are necessary for recharging and keeping your emotional health in check.
It’s also essential to maintain some level of physical activity. Exercise can elevate your mood and release endorphins, so whether it’s a brisk walk or a visit to the gym, moving your body can help mitigate holiday stress.
If family members make insensitive comments or exhibit microaggressions, it’s important to address it. While it may feel uncomfortable, asserting yourself by politely but firmly stating how their words hurt can set boundaries and protect your emotional health.
In addition to setting boundaries, showing up as your authentic self can be a powerful statement of self-acceptance. Whether it’s being open about your partner or embracing a non-traditional gender expression, being unapologetically you sends the message, “I’m okay with me, are you?” And, as pointed out by Out.com, whether or not others accept you doesn’t change your self-worth.
Staying in touch with your chosen family and allies is another key survival strategy. Check-in with friends who understand your struggles, and if possible, spend time with them to avoid feeling lonely. Supporting one another during this time can help reinforce that you are not alone.
Navigating Alcohol and Substance Abuse
For some within the LGBTQ+ community, alcohol is another challenge during the holidays. The season is filled with gatherings where drinking is often a focal point, which can be particularly triggering for those struggling with substance abuse. Dr. Antonio Roberto Jr., Senior Director of Behavioral Health at The Center, advises creating a sober plan for the holidays, which can help you stay connected and accountable.
This plan doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as checking in with another sober person at an agreed-upon time, like before or after a family dinner, especially if you expect tense conversations or alcohol to be present.
It’s also helpful to have multiple ways to stay connected to your support network, particularly if you’re traveling. Save links for virtual meetings with your 12-step or treatment program, or make a list of people you can call if you're feeling triggered.
Moreover, it's crucial to set boundaries for yourself. This might mean avoiding certain situations entirely if they put your mental health, physical health, or sobriety at risk.
Finding Hope in the Season
While the holidays are often depicted as a time of joy and togetherness, it’s important to recognize that everyone’s experience is different. For many in the LGBTQ+ community, the holidays may bring grief, sadness, or disappointment. But this doesn’t mean that every holiday will be the same.
Acknowledge your feelings, process them, and understand why the season might feel challenging. The disappointment you may be experiencing is temporary, and as we look forward to the future, there is hope for change, acceptance, and healing.
So, if this year’s holiday season feels particularly rough, remember that you’re not alone. Trust that things can and will get better, and lean on your chosen family and community for support. You are worthy of love, joy, and peace during this time, even if it looks different from what you expected.
And remember. Every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.
For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 35. Surviving the Holidays.
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