Unravelling the Motivations that Fuel Your Behaviour: A Guide to Self-Understanding

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? We're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

  📍 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? We're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.

 Hi, welcome back to A Slice of Life from Anxiety Master. My name is Dominic Decker and this week we're touching on a really interesting subject, which is how to hear and interpret the messages in your behavior. Now we're going to take this from three different perspectives. Firstly, Trying to understand your behavior drivers, that is, what fuels the way that you interact with situations, with other people and the decisions that you make.

Then we'll move on to unmasking what your true motivations might be because sometimes we behave in ways that we don't always understand. And then lastly, we're going to look at the difference between true emotions versus false moods. And this really concerns listening to the messages that our body might be giving us.

Now, a slice of life doesn't have any sponsorship. There's not any adverts included. It's really just a direct conversation between you and me, and all I ask is that if you enjoy this episode please leave a review, leave a like, and of course do share with someone who'd like to listen as well. So, understanding behavior drivers and how to hear and interpret the messengers in your behavior.

Now, do you ever find yourself engaged in an action and then upon reflection question its rationale? Or perhaps a time when you haphazardly rushed in to help, only to later regret it? Or made a snap purchase for a shiny new thing that, in all honesty, you knew was a bit rubbish. Or maybe you've sabotaged your health goals for a quick, fast food guzzle.

Or engaged in an online spat, only to feel empty and slightly yucky afterwards. Clearly, we engage in various actions for different reasons, and many of these behaviours can be puzzling. So whilst we're on a roll, here are a few more. Or spending hours scrolling through social media while important tasks are tormenting you in the background.

Or avoiding a difficult conversation, even when it's crucial for resolving an issue. And, most likely in January, purchasing a gym membership, but rarely, if ever, turning up. The best of intentions. Although our habits and behaviours may confound us, there is an underlying logic to them. So let's look at understanding motivation.

Every action you carry out is fuelled by a belief that the action will meet or fulfil some emotional desire. Otherwise, what would be the point? In other words, motivation is like an appetite waiting to be fed and satisfied by the outcomes of your behaviour. As strange as it may seem, even behaviours that seem counterproductive are motivated by a rational desire.

So, for instance, self sabotage is a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings. Or procrastination, this is often a desire to delay the potential for failure. Or maybe impulse spending is the desire for immediate gratification, to feel effective and active in some aspect of life. And then we have avoidance, which is often just the desire to minimize emotional discomfort.

So to shine a bit more of a light on some of these behaviors, especially the counterproductive ones, I want to share a brief story from a lady called Sue, who was in her early 50s. And when I met Sue, she seemed to have it all. She was outwardly confident, smart, analytical, respected by colleagues, and dare I say, a bit of a head turner too.

Yet when we met... Sue grappled with an issue that had festered over the years because she was concerned about her drinking habits, especially the choices she made after a few glasses of red wine. Yet despite this, a wind down tipple was justified as her little treat. It was that bit of indulgence, and especially from midweek to end of week, it was that slice of reward and self acknowledgement.

However, following one heavy night out, she'd woken up in the morning, looked in the mirror, and felt a sharp pang of disgust. Questioning herself, she thought, what am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? And, importantly, and perhaps perplexingly, why can't I get this under control? Now, she was unable to rein herself in, and she found that this lack of control clashed with her self image as a measured incapable woman, and as you might imagine, or perhaps have experienced for yourself when your actions and values feel misaligned, that discrepancy can feel really painful.

In her was, what? So while there might be a straightforward answer, well, come on Sue, stop drinking. The meaningful solution was less apparent. You see, sometimes, holding onto a problem serves a purpose. And for Sue, her drinking was a friend and an ally. Essentially, it was a gentle gateway to quickly and briefly decompress from the pressures of work and step into a different side of who she enjoyed herself to be.

And as a result, she was getting a benefit. from holding on to the problem. Now in therapy parlance, we often refer to this as secondary gains. And it's important that we learn to unmask secondary gains, if we want to truly understand what's fueling our behavior. So, secondary gains attach themselves to the issue at hand, and to change an unhealthy habit, we need to really dig in and have a look at what keeps us invested in continuing unwanted ways of doing things.

So, for instance, a quick couple of snapshots. Well, for Mark, his habit of overworking served as a shield against confronting issues in his personal life. Or by immersing himself in work, he could avoid the emotional discomfort of a failing relationship. And then there's Emily, her chronic lateness. It was more than just poor time management.

It was in fact a form of passive resistance against obligations she felt were being imposed upon her. Well in Sue's case, we had to separate her perceived benefits of what she thought drinking was doing, this was the hoodwink, and the actual effects upon her life. The shame, the disappointment, the confusion, the worry.

And this was the reality. Now, this was a process that required a brave and holistic look across Sue's life, and it came to mark the beginning of her regaining some control. But, you see, she could come to understand that abstaining from alcohol wasn't a loss, but a gift. And this was offering her a clear and more balanced perspective.

So essentially... She was dialing down that intense emotional relationship with the expectation of what she thought alcohol was doing for her. And as that expectation dialed down, her capacity to look more rationally. More logically and reasonably, what her real relationship with alcohol was about could start to expand.

And once this penny dropped, it didn't take long for Sue to start putting things back in order. So here she could reassert some balance and control in her life. And the wonderful thing, of course, is that these were marks of the capable and decisive woman that she knew herself to be. So what are the takeaways for you here?

Well, if some of your behaviours confuse or appear to cause direct or indirect harm, you need to reflect honestly upon what your secondary gains might be. So you might ask yourself, well what keeps me invested in outdated or unhelpful behaviours? Or what would be an even more compelling investment for your longer term, for my longer term, development?

If we have an emotional issue or an emotional behaviour that we want to change, one of the quickest and most powerful ways of starting to change that behaviour is to have an even more emotionally compelling reason to change the way that we do things. And identifying and examining your secondary gains will turn the tables on who's being held hostage in your behavior stakes.

Now, we've just been discussing how we might be able to interpret our behavior, the messages that we can learn to hear in our behavior. But just as we can attune ourselves to hearing the messages in our behavior, we can also tune and listen to our bodies. Equally crucial, because, well, let's face it, modern living is, to put it mildly, pretty taxing.

Many of us are tethered to screens, we're juggling endless tasks, and we navigate a sea of distractions. And this results in a daily grind of repetitive choices and decisions. I mean, it's not exactly freedom, at least for many of us. So it's unsurprising that we reach for small helpers whether it be coffee or alcohol or chocolate to try and soften and smoothen down these rough edges.

Yet, some of our habits make us anxious and apparently many of us are. In fact, at least in America where the prevalence of anxiety is estimated at around one fifth of the population. So I want at this juncture here to talk to you a little about the concept of true emotions. Versus false moods because most of us experience stress or anxiety at least intermittently However, it is essential to distinguish between what your body is genuinely signaling and what might be a misleading emotional state So this isn't a diagnosis, but More a framework that helps you to pinpoint the root of your discomfort, even when it arises.

Now, in The Mood Cure, by nutritional therapist Julia Ross, she introduces the concept of true emotions and false moods. And to exemplify this, the true emotions are, well, these arise when we face significant challenges. So essentially, they are our authentic reactions to real life hardships. For instance, job loss, or health issues, or perhaps the passing of a loved one.

Now on the other hand, we have false moods and these resemble a fleeting emotional state. It's those days when we wake up feeling off kilter or find ourselves feeling irritable, sad or frustrated, and we can't necessarily put a finger on what might. be the reason for this? Well, in such cases, it's not unusual to search for and start constructing mental explanations for your physical responses to stress.

And our inventive minds, well, they act as meaning makers. They're very, very happy to fill in the gaps. So if we wake up in the morning feeling sad, well, we might be quick to think, Oh, well, I'm feeling sad because Such and such a thing happened last week or I'm frustrated because and then we'll go searching for something For the to explain the reason for our frustration.

Now, what's this make sense? The danger here is that you start generating an avoidable mental weight You know, you can start to create this load of expectation that weigh in to back up and confirm your explanations for the way that you're feeling. However, what if, at least sometimes, there were simpler explanations for the way that you feel?

Now, I have to say here, I think, if I'm honest, I think some people are invested in complex explanations for things. And perhaps this just tessellates with their worldview or perhaps it spices things up and makes them a bit more interesting. And maybe even the idea that things are more complicated than they need to be is a way of kind of marking out the way we think and the person that we believe ourselves to be.

Personally, having listened to so many complex stories over the years, I'm much more inclined to gravitate towards a more simpler distillation. For the way things may be. So, what if there were some simpler explanations for the way that we feel on some of these days when we wake up? Um, we're not quite sure why we feel the way that we do, but you see, often the worry stems from our minds trying to rationalise a physical stress response.

So the term false moods isn't to diminish or suggest that these emotional states are any less real, but instead it indicates that the experience of mood may, at least frequently, be more related to your physical stress response than to deeper emotional issues. It's a really simple, powerful starting point with surprisingly effective outcomes.

So where to start should you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious without a clear cause or reason? Well, here's a practical checklist to keep in mind and keep this handy because by pausing in the midst of stress and running through the checklist of possible triggers, you can identify possible causes for stress reactions and then understand a straightforward remedy.

Okay, let's dive in with this checklist. So I'm feeling stressed or anxious and I'm not sure why. Am I hungry? Okay, well, I'll eat something. Is sugar crashing or am I having a chemical come down? Hmm, did I just eat something sweet or processed or laden with food coloring? In which case, I'll have a snack and I'll focus on making different choices next time.

Am I over caffeinated? Well, perhaps this jittery anxiety is really caffeine sensitivity, so tomorrow I'm going to drink less caffeine. Hmm, am I under caffeinated? Well, I drank less caffeine today than usual. So I'm going to dose up and aim for consistent daily caffeine consumption from now on. Do I feel tired?

Well, I'll take a nap when I can and then I'm going to prioritize an earlier bedtime tonight. Am I dehydrated? Okay, let's drink some water. Do I feel sluggish? Right, well I'm going to take a quick walk outside or maybe even dance if I can. Do I feel dysregulated? Hmm, did I just disappear down an internet rabbit hole or go on a social media binge?

Okay, I need to dance or just go outside to reset my nervous system. Am I drunk or hungover? I need to file this experience away to help me inform future choices around alcohol. This handy checklist, as simple as it seems, can offer an excellent intervention for those moments or for those days or phases of time where we start feeling physically stressed, which then starts manifesting into mental, uh, pressure and expectation of worry.

By simply running through this checklist, you might well be able to isolate. The trigger for the way that you're feeling and then be able to do something about it. So I hope you find this useful. And by the way, that checklist is going to be available. A nice little segue into something I'd like to share with you.

Checklist is going to be available on my seven day stress course, which is coming out next week. That's right. I'm launching a seven day stress course. That's completely free. There's no upsells or. Purchase nudges as those really really bother me. It's just straightforward. Seven day program filled with practical resources to help you manage and alleviate stress for a calm and confident outlook.

So that resource will be in there amongst many others. There are listenings, there are videos, there are tasks, there are all kinds of things. So over seven days because it's mental health day next week. I hope I'm going to launch this then and then you can come and join me for seven days and we can take a care of stress together.

Alright, perhaps that's something for you. Keep it in mind, spread the word, I'd really make my day. Uh, keep an eye out for it next week, there'll be another episode coming next week as well. So, take care, see you soon.