Burnout, Imposter Syndrome, Sin and Boundaries

EPISODE 101 | BURNOUT, IMPOSTER SYNDROME, SIN AND BOUNDARIES

The inner healing is always needed and always in a sense, needs to happen first, it's the foundation. The more healed we are, the more integrated our core become, the freer we become to recognize who we are who we are not, and the more options we may actually be able to see.

[00:00:14] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:00:51] Hello and good morning, everyone. Okay, this morning I'm going to be speaking about burnout, imposter syndrome, the question of sin in the larger picture of integration, and our wounds as well as boundaries. So, today is actually day 26 of my 30-day IG live challenge and I want to thank those of you who have been sending in questions.

[00:01:20] You know, the questions have been getting deeper and more real. More real in the sense that I can tell they're not just conceptual questions, it's coming from the place where you are living and you're asking these questions. So, I really want to try and honour the spirit in which you ask your questions.

[00:01:40] So, this morning, I'm talking about burnout, imposter syndrome, sin, and boundaries because of the questions that two of you sent in. Okay, so, and I think I can only just deal with these two questions, or these questions from these two people because they are very meaty questions. And the way I’m going to be talking about these topics is also not just conceptually. I’m going to be kind of like coaching in my response, okay? So, for the ones who are asking these questions I hope you can imagine that I’m really just responding to you, as if we were like in a coaching call.

[00:02:18] INNER HEALING
Alright, and maybe do what I invite you to do, okay? Alright, so, the first question that came in was via email. And this person is a social worker. Alright, so, she writes, "I feel very alive when I'm doing direct social work - journeying with clients, listening to their stories. I was able to engage those who were labelled as resistant clients, established good rapport with them, which previous workers were unsuccessful with".

[00:02:50] So, clearly this person is - she's skilled and she's gifted as a social worker in the direct work with clients. And she says, "I have received favourable feedback from clients and stakeholders about how I manage the cases and forge positive client or stakeholder relationships", okay.

[00:03:10] And then she continues, the question continues, "however, because of expectations at work that I need to also excel in other areas such as being more visible in meetings, asking questions, speaking up more" - I'm supposing that this is within her own organization, not in her direct work with clients, but within the organization itself. - "then my performance is rated lower than others. I feel I am not valued and I also don't get promoted. So, I get discouraged by these, which gradually makes me feel burned out. Does that mean, then, that I'm not doing what I am meant to do?" 

[00:03:52] Okay, so, she does well with direct client work, but because she doesn't speak up enough in other areas expected of her in a job, she doesn't get promoted and feels like maybe she's not doing what she's meant to do.

[00:04:05] Okay, there's a third slide to this question. " Because of non-recognition of my efforts, I can't help but feel like I'm being an imposter too. This makes me doubt myself, and it reinforces my thoughts that I am not good enough. I have left two organizations because I felt shame, and I thought I am not contributing enough because I am not a good practitioner, despite affirmations from my supervisors and colleagues.

[00:04:37] You may have spoken about imposter syndrome in your podcast, but if you haven't, would you be able to do so?"

[00:04:43] So, I'm going to respond to this very real and very vulnerable question. So, to this person, that you are good at what you do when it comes to dealing with the clients in social work, right? Even difficult, resistant clients, clients that other social workers maybe were not able to effectively serve, you could connect with them.

[00:05:13] But because there are other areas expected of you in your work, from your organization, for some reason you don't get promoted, maybe you don't get ranked very well, and so, you feel like an imposter. And the question is, are you not doing what you're meant to do?

[00:05:34] Okay, so, I'm going to ask you first, to consider where does the source of your assurance fit? That your life has value, that you are good, that you have something valuable to offer. Where does that source come from, okay?

[00:06:06] I know you're a long-time listener of my podcast, the person who asked this question. So, you're familiar with my framework of Inside-Out, the three layers, right? And you're familiar with how the cycle of encounter happens. And I just spoke about this, I think a couple of Lives ago when I actually shared the slide.

[00:06:27] I'm going to suggest, okay, that from the way that you were phrasing the question, how you see yourself, kind of like your identity, your core identity, is still more dependent on the feedback that you get in the outside layer, okay? When you can see that you are getting something done, that it's well done, that you're getting affirmations about it.

[00:06:56] It makes you feel affirmed, but when you're not being valued and you're not being affirmed, it directly impacts how you see yourself, and it makes you feel that maybe you're not that valuable, right? And so, you feel discouraged and burnt out. Now, first of all, that's very normal. That's very human. We are all susceptible to that, but the whole point about integration is becoming less affected, less acceptable to the highs and lows of what goes on in our external layer of our life.

[00:07:32] And that can only happen when our core gets more and more integrated and healed, so that the basis of how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, is not so much dependent on what's going on in the outside layer or whether other people can see our value or not. But there's an inner source. There is a deeper, eternal source that we can hear constantly saying.

[00:08:02] You are good. You're beloved. You're so precious. You are so wonderful. I created you for good and there's something very specific that I have given you to offer the world and no one else. But you can offer that and this truth - this truth that comes from God, right? That you are created good very good, regardless of where you happen to share your gifts and whether or not people appreciate it or reject it or criticize you for it. This truth doesn't change that you are good, that God has gifted you, that God has called you.

[00:08:43] So, that's the first thing I want to say, right? Move the centre, at least right now as you're thinking about it, from how you're received, how you're valued by your organization, to the deeper truth of who God says you are and your faith that He created you good. Now, that can still be kind of conceptual.

[00:09:09] Many of us struggle with really believing this truth. So, we may know conceptually that God created me good, right? That God loves me. But how can I live from that truth? How can this truth, not just be something I believe conceptually, but something that I hold in my body, that my nervous system somehow lives from, so that when I get dysregulated, when I get hurt and disappointed by what happens in the outside layer of my life, which will always happen, I can actually, like really physically, bodily root myself in this truth that is not just conceptual, but I live it.

[00:09:52] That's what healing is about. Okay, and a lot of us, we can't do this because we need that healing. The inner core is fragmented. And in terms of the means of healing, there are several and I've talked about them before as well in my podcast. Inner Child Healing is one very good one. I think as, yeah, I think inner child healing, maybe in this kind of case, is really good.

[00:10:13] A lot of us, we are disconnected from our own selves. We don't give ourselves that affirmation unless we get it from other people. So, in a sense, within ourselves, something is blocking us from receiving the deep truth of our belovedness. Okay, so, that's one example, but there are other modalities.

[00:10:31] THE CALL
But healing is what is required. Secondly, that's the part about the call, right? Another way of looking at your question, are you not doing the right thing because you're not getting promoted because your organization doesn't assess you as that good because there are some dimensions of your work that you can't do or can't do as well, right?

[00:10:52] Like speaking up in meetings and being more visible. So, actually in one of the Lives that I did in these 30 days of IG Live, I shared about a client that I'm actually currently serving, and how she also has been turned down multiple times for promotion. And that was something that really discouraged her for a long time because I mean, she's been in this job for so long and she's kind of risen almost as high as she can, but there is another higher position that she could go to if she in this career and she's been trying to apply and she's been going for interviews and she never gets it.

[00:11:28] And in my last, one of my more recent sessions with her, so, she's going through the Clarity with me. We looked at her life script. So, we looked at the ways, her beliefs and the compulsions that she has about what it means to be good. We also looked at the motivational design that she has, and then we also looked at her Myers Briggs, the in depth, Step 2 Myers Briggs, right?

[00:11:49] But we looked at all these, the dimensions, the things that are coming up, the data, within the context of how Scott designing her experiences in her life and attuning to herself. So, after we did kind of like all this, I think it was after we went through the Myers Briggs, she just said now I know why I can't get that promotion.

[00:12:10] And I was intrigued because, I mean, I was curious. I don't know. I said, that's great. Can you tell me why you didn't get that promotion? Why is it that now you know? And she says, well, now that I see how God has created me, I look, I see the design, the motivational design that He has given me, and I see the temperament that He has given me, my strengths and how I prefer to operate in the world.

[00:12:31] It doesn't fit what is required of that top position of whoever's playing that role in that top position, right? Which is a hugely administrative role and needs to oversee a, you know, a big organization and its systems and everything. She says, whenever I go for this job interview, this promotion interviews, and she's very honest, right?

[00:12:52] When people throw her a scenario and they want to see how would you solve it? She's very honest. She will say, well, I don't know, but, you know, every time I'm in this kind of a situation, I figure things out as I go along, and I always find a way but I just need time - something like that, okay. And it's true, when we look at achievement stories, the incredible things that she has been able to accomplish, was always in that manner.

[00:13:16] Okay, which is why when we talk about our motivational design, when we talk about personality and temperament, there really is no good or bad or one is better than the other. They're just different. But different designs work better in different environments and situations and contexts, which is why I always say alignment is important, right?

[00:13:34] You need to understand alignment. And so for her, she says, well, the way I am, and I'm really good at what I do, but I can see why the, you know, the board or whoever it was that's doing the interview, right, never thinks that I can take that top job because they want someone that they feel can look at the scenario and tell them, okay, this is how I will handle things.

[00:13:54] This is how I'm going to do it. I know how to plan way ahead. I know how to put systems in place and she's just not that person, right. And the wonderful thing is, now, she's free. Like knowing that this is how she was created and remembering. So, the process that we go through is also to help her remember how she has been gifted.

[00:14:15] She says, I am very good at what I do. I'm very good at what I was created to do. And some things, it's just not the way I was created to do. And she says, I'm okay now. I don't, I realized, in fact, I don't want that promotion. I don't want that promotion anymore because if I end up in that position, I'll have to do a lot of things that actually would make me very drained because they're not aligned with what I am gifted to do. It's not aligned with the way I meant to operate. The environment and the conditions do not match my optimal operation conditions. That's one of the things that we look at. What are the optimal kind of conditions that allow someone to come up at their best, right?

[00:14:54] So, now she realizes I don't want to do that because I'm going to be miserable if I have to do that job. So, isn't that interesting? She doesn't want that promotion anymore. She no longer feels or thinks that the fact that she's not getting promoted is saying that she's bad at her job. It's just that there's no fit. And in fact, you have ever heard of the term being promoted out of your competency, right?

[00:15:14] Sometimes, people are really good at what they do and then they get promoted and then they stop being that amazing at their job is because the requirements for the job has changed, right? And that's not where the best fit is. And it's not always, it's not that surprising. There are some people who knowingly refuse to get promoted because they know where they are best at.

[00:15:37] Okay, so, for example, for this person who's asking this question, you say, it sounds like your gift is in the actual contact work with clients. Even resistant and difficult clients. It sounds like that's where God has called you, gifted you, and it sounds like you find it life giving, right?

[00:15:57] And it sounds like you don't find it life giving to be in meetings, to have to speak up more in your organization. I wonder, I don't know what position it is that you're hoping, or maybe if you get promoted, what it'll be like. But would being promoted give you more contact time with the clients that you're serving as a social worker? Or would being promoted require you to spend more time in meetings, giving presentations etc. Which is not actually life giving to you. So, I would say reconsider whether getting promoted is actually something that you really want.

[00:16:34] Now, this is linked to the first point I raised because if we are still very fixated, if you still really need the validation of a promotion or the validation of your colleagues, your superiors in these areas, like in speaking at meetings, etc, etc, for you to believe that you have worth and value, then you're going to struggle with being happy remaining where you are, possibly, as an option. Because there will be a part of you that has this compulsion, has this need to be affirmed by that validation, right?

[00:17:07] Which is why the inner healing is always needed and always in a sense needs to happen first, it's the foundation. The more healed we are, the more integrated our core become, the freer we become to recognize who we are who we are not, and the more options we may actually be able to see. So, the client I was just talking about, doing this work with me.

[00:17:27] Okay, so, currently in this batch of clients I have, there's one client, another client, different from this one I'm talking about, who just texted me, I think, last week, that, or earlier this week, that he has tended his resignation, his current job. That's one of the things he's been wondering, and then going through this process has made it very clear for him.

[00:17:43] He's very sure now, right? And he's very happy, and he's tendered. This client, the one I'm talking about, she decided not to quit. She was thinking of quitting. But she realized that the reason she was unhappy was she was in the wrong kind of school. She was serving the wrong kind of students. And in fact, it was as she was being promoted in her career and she got to so called better and better schools that she lost her motivation, that she was taken further away from the environment that she really was gifted to shine in and to really make an impact.

[00:18:16] Right, so, the way she said, what she said to me, what she shared with me was she is prepared to quote-unquote - that she was prepared to quote-unquote "commit career suicide", in a sense. Like I may get stuck if I make a request to be sent back to that kind of school. Because now I know that's where I'm really effective and where my heart really is and how much I love being in these schools.

[00:18:38] She said, I may be committing career suicide. I may be stuck in that school or those kinds of schools forever. And I'll never get that promotion that I've been trying to get, right? But now she doesn't want that promotion anymore. And she said, but, you know, the amazing thing is I feel so free now.

[00:18:51] I feel so relieved because it doesn't matter if I'm stuck in these kinds of schools forever because that's where I want to be, right? So, that's the joy of freedom when we know more clearly who we are, where we are meant to be. And even if that alignment where we're meant to be is something that the rest of the world judges as not successful, that this means that you're not successful in the eyes of the world, you may not be successful in the eyes of your colleagues or in the eyes of your industry. But you will know that you are living the life that you were specifically designed and created to live. And that you are creating or making the greatest impact that you possibly can when you are aligned with the design that God has given you.

[00:19:37] So, our joy, our satisfaction, our contentment comes from a different place. It's something that no one can take away from us, right? Because it's not something that not getting a promotion or being looked down upon by our peers or our colleagues or being gossiped about or maybe the fact that our parents are disappointed in us.

[00:20:00] IMPOSTER SYNDROME
None of that is going to take away the joy of knowing I'm living the life that I was created to live and the work that I'm doing is what I was precisely, intricately, fearfully and wonderfully made to do. That's the joy. Okay, and that's a joy that we are after talking about the interior integration. So, when you feel that way and when you are clear on who you are and you have that alignment, you won't feel like an imposter anymore.

[00:20:28] The thing about feeling like an imposter, it happens even when someone is doing really, really well. So, I have shared about this before in a couple of places that I felt like an imposter, even when the external metrics, that showed that I was performing really well, but I felt really hollow.

[00:20:41] I didn't feel I deserved that, you know, let's say the praise or the rewards. And at the same time, I didn't really feel like I knew what I was doing. And I was always wondering why is it that people thought that I knew what I was doing. I felt like an imposter. Because in those instances, I wasn't doing what - it wasn't aligned with who I really was.

[00:20:59] It wasn't aligned with what God created me and gifted me and called me to do. Now, I can say I am. I can say that right now, this is, I am doing. And I'm walking on solid ground. I'm a lot more effective now at discerning what is mine and what is not. And so, in that sense, of course, like there are highs and lows.

[00:21:17] There are times when I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. There are times I have doubts and I kind of, I feel you know, like I'm doing all this work and what impact is it really making? You know, is it really affecting that many people? I mean, all these doubts are still there. But when I can recentre myself and I can touch again, the core and the source of my joy, the source of who I am, which is God, then I remember and I'm on solid ground again. And then I don't feel like an imposter again. And in any of these instances when I'm speaking or I'm coaching, if I don't know something, I'm not going to try and pretend that I know it.

[00:21:53] If it's not something in my competency, I'm not going to try and pretend that it is in my competency. That's why I always clarify the perspective or the context in which I'm sharing. Okay, so, that's the first question - in address to the first question. I hope that helps the person who asked that question.

[00:22:08] SIN AND SELF-AGENCY
Okay, that was quite a bit already, but okay, I'm going to try and tackle the second person's question. It's a little different. 

[00:22:17] Okay, so, this person asks, "I think one thing that I often think about is how sin, right - sins figure in our lives, if we have been so wounded. Where does the wound end and agency of self begin, in this relationship with regard to sin?"

[00:22:37] So, where does the wound end, and agency of self begin in this relationship with regard to sin? And then the second part of a question is that "boundaries are so hard for our culture. Our culture is in Chinese, okay? It's just Chinese - Chinese culture, Chinese Catholic. How do we have boundaries and not feel like we are also not falling into sin?

[00:23:00] I feel like this when I feel like I don't want to spend time with my mother-in-law in her old age and I feel guilty". Okay, so, maybe you feel the need to draw some boundaries with your mother-in-law, which may mean not spending more time with her and then you feel guilty. 

[00:23:18] Okay, so, this is a really good question because it encompasses so many things and it's really real, it's coming from real life.

[00:23:25] I'm going to go back to the first question first. The first part of this question. Okay, so, the question is about sin. So, if we begin to talk about and understand that we are wounded, right? And then in a sense, we're not free. Then does the lack of freedom impact our culpability for sin? Right, now, actually, in church teaching, in the catechism of the Catholic church, I mean, yes, there's actually an understanding that, for example, if there's an addiction, there's actually less culpability in terms, you know, for the same sin. Because when there's addiction, you're acting out of severe lack of freedom.

[00:24:08] Okay, so, in that sense, there is some understanding. But before I go too far down that road, I want to say, I do not want to answer this question as a moral theology kind of question. I want to answer this question or respond to this question from the perspective of integration and praxis.

[00:24:24] Okay, what is integration and praxis? It's ultimately about your relationship with God and your confidence about your belovedness. Okay, so, to this person who's asking about sin, I want to invite you to pay attention when you're thinking these thoughts. When you're thinking these thoughts, when does it become sin?

[00:24:48] Right, if I'm wounded and I'm acting out of my woundedness and I want to, let's say I'm now concerned with healing and maybe in the process of healing, I realized that, when I am unloving, sometimes it could be a defensiveness, it could be a coping mechanism. Is it sin or is it not sin?

[00:25:04] Right? I'm guessing that that's what you're kind of like thinking. You ask, like, where does it begin? where does the sin end and the agency begin? Or the wound end and the agency begin? Notice how do you feel in your body when you're thinking these questions.

[00:25:27] How are you feeling? Before God, I'm going to ask you, imagine you're sitting face to face with God, God the Father or Jesus Christ. When you're thinking this question, do you ask God this question? when is it sin? Am I sinning? Am I not sinning? Do you ask God this question? Is it in the context of a relationship with God that you're asking this question, that you're worried or afraid that you're sinning? If you are, notice what does it say about your image of God? What does it say about how safe you feel with God?

[00:26:05] My experience, because I come from that too. Sometimes, it doesn't help when you read a lot. Sometimes you think the more theology you know, and the more moral philosophy or moral theology you know, that it'll help. Actually, it doesn't. It doesn't help with integration. It doesn't help with interior integration.

[00:26:20] Because you know why? We can get stuck in our heads. And the being stuck in our heads is not just the only thing. Being stuck in our lack of safety, the fact that we are so fearful, the fact that why is it that we're so concerned whether something is a sin or not? Does a person who feels safe, who knows that he or she is really deeply beloved, keep obsessing about whether they're sinning or not?

[00:26:52] The ironic thing, or the paradoxical thing - not ironic - paradoxical thing is that usually, when we are most alive and most loving, those are not the times when we are obsessing about whether we're sinning, right? The times when we're most alive, when we're most loving, those times when we are sacrificing, even ourselves, because we love someone else, genuinely, doing it genuinely, doing it freely, we're not thinking about sin at all.

[00:27:22] We are just present. We are just loving because why God's love is coursing through us and overflowing out into the world through us. So, I'm inviting you, this person who is asking this question and all of us who sometimes get very worried about where does sin begin? When does it become sin?

[00:27:45] When you find yourself in that space and notice how your body feels. Usually, for me, when I'm in that space, oh, I'm very tight. My heart is racing, I'm fearful, I'm anxious. And when I remember to bring myself into God's presence, those are the times when we are obsessing about whether something is sin or not, those are the exact times we really need to remember to bring ourselves into God's presence. And that can happen anywhere. If you want to, if you need to go to church, fine, but you don't need to, like, right there and then, find a spot. Be before God in all that anxiety and fear.

[00:28:21] Can you imagine - so, this is a bit of imaginative prayer. Can you imagine how Christ looks at you? When you come before Him with all this anxiety and fear about, "Am I sinning? When is this becoming sin?" How does the Father look at you? Okay, one little caveat. This kind of exercise, what happens will also vary according to what your image of God currently is, okay? When there's still a lot of fear of God, I don't think you would feel even safe to imagine yourselves right before God. That's how powerful a distorted image of God that often comes from trauma. That's the kind of impact it can have on our faith, on our relationship with discipleship.

[00:29:13] So, you imagine, can you understand? If you are so fearful of God, then the way that you're approaching all your religious practices, whether it's the sacraments, mass, service, trying to love others, none of it is coming from God living his life fully in you, you absorbing and receiving and absorbing, God's love for you and you really becoming fully alive and being the person you were created to be.

[00:29:41] All your religious practices, your devotions, your attempt to be a good Catholic are coming from a place of anxiety and fear. Are you afraid of God? Are you trying to appease Him? That's, I think, the more important question than the question of when does it become sin? When does the wound end and sin or agency begin?

[00:30:02] That can be an interesting question to be discussed in a moral theology class or a philosophy class that has its place but if you are asking because you are suffering, if you are asking because you obsess about this question, and you're worried that you're sinning, then the more important question for you is the one that I've asked you.

[00:30:29] What's your relationship with God? Like, what's the image of God? Like, where can you go for healing of that? That's the more important thing, okay? Now the second part of your question is linked to this. Boundaries are so hard for our culture, right? Being Chinese, being Asian, filial piety and all that.

[00:30:46] How do we have boundaries and not feel like we are also not falling into sin? I feel like this when I feel like I don't want to spend time with my mother-in-law in the old age and I feel guilty. Now, one of the Lives that I did, actually, I think this would be I think a week and a bit ago, when I was sharing, I did, I shared about my relationship with my mom a bit about growing more in freedom.

[00:31:13] So, in your case you're talking about mother-in-law, in old age, for me, it could be like my own parents, and often this is the case, especially if that relationship is a difficult one, yeah? Especially if, I mean, if you enjoyed all the time that you spent with that person, in that sense, it wouldn't tend to be, you wouldn't necessarily feel like you need that boundary, right?

[00:31:35] Usually boundaries come in place when we feel like I need some space for myself. Oh, I need some protection, maybe, without the other person knowing, without the elder person knowing. They could be causing us pain or re-traumatizing us. This actually happens a lot, and those of us who begin to do this inner work suddenly can notice things that we didn't notice before.

[00:31:55] So, I just caught up with a childhood friend recently who also finally began therapy and inner child work and all that, and she was just sharing with me that now, when she looks at her parents, oh, she's so aware of the ways, the interactions with her parents terrifies her inner child, okay? Like, terrifies her inner child.

[00:32:14] Because she understands that her parents have their trauma that they have not processed, and there's all this gloom and doom and fear and panic or anger, right, from different parents. They're a different kind of thing. And she started wondering, have they always been like this?

[00:32:26] Why is it that I'm only noticing it now, how much it affects me? So, of course, as she pondered longer and deeper, she realized, actually, yes, they've always been like that. But you see, growing up, she had learned to find a way to cope. As a child, it's too much to deal with the pain that's being inflicted, right, by her own parents’ fear and anxiety and all that, and anger.

[00:32:48] So, she became the very good girl. She became the one that would anticipate all the needs. She became the one that would try to be the peacemaker. She found a way to try and mitigate the level of emotional dysregulation in the family. She absorbed it. And so, she became actually a very, very high achieving, but really, really fearful and anxious person without even knowing it.

[00:33:13] And then in the last few years, as she began to do this healing, this integration and all that, she now sees what she didn't see before, right? And she now also is trying to figure out how do I practice these boundaries? Because I realized my nervous system can't take it. She actually felt she would fall sick just like me.

[00:33:30] Sometimes, when I have a particular kind of interaction with my parents - I love them, but my body can't take it. I actually, literally fall sick, like the next day. Okay, and so, my friend was telling me that the same thing happens with her now, with this awareness and there's like a heightened sensitivity.

[00:33:49] Because all these years she has numbed herself out. She was not in contact with her body. She's also a very religious, very devotional, I mean, like a very devout Catholic. And she threw herself into serving, and all that, right? Thinking that that's what is needed, that's what is required of her.

[00:34:06] But now, she's actually beginning to realize that her own church community is actually really toxic to her. And that raises another, another level of issues and problems. That's the reality. Okay, I’m sorry if I cause, I offend anyone out there, but this is fact. This is fact I always say: church is just as family and families are - often dysfunctional and when you're part of the family often can't see the dysfunction and we bring the dysfunctions from our own families our own cultures into our communities and we don't see it, but it's real.

[00:34:37] It's only when we begin to heal It's like, oh, you step out of it for a while and then you can see and once you can see it you can't unsee it, right, and then that's the invitation. Then the Lord is saying hold to let yourself be held in this very uncomfortable stage of realizing what you didn't realize before of realizing that you still need healing and you're not healed, right and all these questions, but it's part of the it's part of the journey is very normal, okay.

[00:35:06] So, now speaking to this question, okay, the question being how do we have boundaries and not feel like we're also not falling into sin? So, again, this ties into the earlier part of my response. You realize you are worrying again, if I'm drawing a boundary, am I falling into sin?

[00:35:23] What is this? What is this anxiety and fear about falling into sin? So, what happens if it's sin? I'm going to ask you what happens if you do fall into sin? If you inadvertently in exercising your boundaries, maybe you're not loving enough, right? What happens then? What happens if you sin?

[00:35:39] What is it that you're so afraid of if you sin? I'm not belittling sin. I'm not saying that sin is not serious. I'm saying that when we understand that the real, the spiritual war is against the principalities of darkness, it's not about, it's far greater than whether each specific act that we do is sin or not sin.

[00:36:05] Can you see how if we are so caught up and obsessed with sin, that we actually can't live the victory and the triumph that Christ has won for us? Can you see that when we are so afraid and always obsessing, sometimes you can say scrupulosity, right, about sin, it's saying that we're not living from our belovedness and the confidence of a belovedness.

[00:36:37] If we are confident and know how much we are loved, we would be less afraid of sin because the biggest issue is not sin, is that we don't know what to do when we have sinned, that we do not believe that God is far bigger than our sin, that His love and His mercy and His forgiveness is always ready for us, that we can always run to Him with confidence when we realize that we have fallen.

[00:37:03] That's a bigger problem. I mean if we know, if we know we can run to him, if we don't expect ourselves to be perfect and not sin. If we realize that, especially when we become more aware of how broken and traumatized that we are, that we will probably get a lot of things wrong before we can finally be well enough and free enough to act according to what we really have a good and true understanding of what it means to be loving and to be holy.

[00:37:26] I think we should be prepared that we probably will be falling into sin a lot and keep continuing to do that. But more important than that sin is that God is there, right? So, I would say, sometimes we have to stop focusing so much on the darkness that we are so afraid of and look at the light. And what is the light? The face of Christ. God.

[00:37:54] FOCUSING ON THE LIGHT
And I think that's what you need to centre on. And we start where we are. We do what we've been given the grace to do. That we're not afraid that when we make a mistake or even when we sin, that God already knows that that's where we are. He has no unrealistic expectations that we are stronger, more virtuous, holier, more saintly than where we are.

[00:38:21] If anything, I think we are the ones that often get disappointed and surprised by our own failures, by our own sinfulness. I don't think God is ever taken by surprise. So, I think, well, your question was, how can I practice boundaries and not feel like I'm also falling into sin? I think again, the invitation for you is to let, ask yourself, how can I deepen my reception of God's love?

[00:38:52] Because look, spending time with your mother-in-law just for the sake of spending time with her is not necessarily love. It's not necessarily being loving. If you're there against your will, you force yourself to go, or you're there and you're snapping at her, and you're losing your temper at her all the time, I mean that's I'm not saying that there's nothing good in that, but I'm just saying that can you see that that is not necessarily doing the loving thing. You might actually also be entering into a different kind of occasion of sin, right?

[00:39:22] Then you end up confessing about how you've been mean to your mother-in-law and how you've been angry with her, etc, etc. So, here's what I asked or suggested to another person that I know who was telling me something very similar. That he feels guilty. So, he swings on this pendulum. He has a very difficult relationship with his own mother as well, who is very smothering and doesn't have any boundaries.

[00:39:42] And so, sometimes he feels he really needs to assert that space, but at the same time, he often feels very guilty because the mother is getting older and weaker. And then he swings the other way and lets her have whatever she wants and do whatever that she wants, because that's how he tries to assuage his guilt to feel less guilty.

[00:39:59] So, I was trying to, I was pointing out to him that I think he needs to ask himself where is that guilt coming from? Is the guilt also possibly coming from a certain script about what it means to be a good son? Where does that script come from? And to notice if you're just always acting out of guilt or so that you won't feel guilty.

[00:40:25] That's not love. That's not virtue, right? So, what might it be like for you to love this person? To love your mother, or in your case, your mother-in-law, in a way that's authentic to you? In a way that honours where you are, where you don't have to try and pretend to be holier than you are, more virtuous than you are.

[00:40:51] It may not be something that she's happy with. It may not be something your husband is satisfied with, but you are not there to please them. If you are making this interior journey into integration and wholeness, the inner life we're talking about, the most important thing first is the relationship with God and relationship with yourself.

[00:41:09] If that is not reset, is not integrated, is not healed, then our relationship with our neighbours will always be distorted, okay? What we think is loving our neighbour often actually is dysfunctional because we can't see the dysfunction in the way our image of God is. There may be some distortion there and the fact that we are disconnected with ourselves.

[00:41:31] So, I would suggest, look again. Keep looking at Christ and focus on the integration, the healing that you need. Find ways to soak up God's love more because the more love you have received, the freer you become, the more you can see, sometimes be creative and how can I love, in your case, my mother-in-law in a way that's genuine, in a way that's authentic.

[00:41:57] Whether or not she's satisfied or whether or not she likes it is a different matter. Okay, because you're never going to win that game if you're just always trying to do what you think is expected of you and disregarding your capacity and the reality of where you are. So, that would be my response. That would be my invitation, actually.

[00:42:18] Are there any questions from those of you who have been hanging out? Thank you so much for hanging out. I mean, like, I see Erica commenting there, like, same, yes, yes. There are so many similar experiences, right, for those of us in real life. It's really one thing to understand our faith conceptually, even theologically, whatever it is.

[00:42:36] It's another thing entirely to be able to integrate that into the messiness of life and taking into consideration our wounds and our trauma and healing and all that. I think that's often the missing thing. We need to talk about these things more. We need to pay attention to what it's like to grow in this journey, you know, and not be so caught up with what we understand as true in a way that's completely disconnected with our bodies, with our emotions, such that we can't even see how we can't draw close to God without fear. Alright, okay, so, no questions? There are no questions today? I guess this whole Live has been a big answering of kind of like questions. That's alright. Okay, I'll just end off here today then. Thank you for those of you who are here, who are still here.

[00:43:32] So, nice to see you here. And I have a few more days of Live. I actually have a couple more questions. So, there have been a couple of good questions coming in. And Erica, I actually still want to respond to some of the questions that you gave earlier. I will. Okay, I usually sit with the questions because some of these questions are so, they come from such a vulnerable place and I want to feel like I'm being prompted kind of like, that it's time to respond.

[00:43:59] So, when I have a good sense that it's time to respond, I will. Yeah, so, thank you. I'm so glad that you find it helpful. Alright, and keep your queries coming in and also, I just want to share that I'm also now on Threads, right? That new social media that's tagged to Instagram. It's kind of like a Twitter thing.

[00:44:15] I wasn't on Twitter. It's kind of noisy and I'm always very concerned about I don't want to get sucked up in, social media and all that. But the Threads. I would say, Threads, I think it's a text only thing and it is a place where we can probably have some discussion, some public discussion, so, some of these things that I probably cannot, I can't cover everything, maybe on lives, that's another medium that we can actually have , conversations that can bless other people.

[00:44:42] So, one thing I like about doing these lives is that when I respond to one person's question, it blesses a lot of other people. And I know because other people comment and tell me, oh my gosh, that was very helpful for me, right? Like, today I'm answering another person's question and Erica found it helpful.

[00:44:55] So, if you happen to decide to go on Threads, look me up, follow me, and respond and let's have conversations there as well. Okay, all right, take care. Have a good evening. And I will see you guys again tomorrow. Bye!

[00:45:10] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!