How God Led Me To Trust Him Through My Body

EPISODE 90 | HOW GOD LED ME TO TRUST HIM THROUGH MY BODY

[00:00:00] I know it sounds really, even a little bit funny when I put it that way but imagine a teenager and you remember what it's like to be a teenager, how sensitive that you are. That formed my relationship with my body as well. Okay, because I think in order to feel okay, to not be so aware that I'm constantly emotionally stressed all the time, I disconnected from my body.

[00:00:24] I didn't know how to love my body. I didn't feel there was anything to love. I wasn't beautiful enough to want to take extra care of myself. I mean, that's how I kind of like thought.

[00:00:33] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:10] Good morning. And today is day 15 of my 30-day IG Live challenge. Oh, it's the halfway mark. Thank you for supporting me all this time. For those of you who have been messaging me messages of encouragement, who have been telling me that you're really enjoying my sharings. Thank you. Thank you so much. I am enjoying this challenge more than I thought I would, but it is still a challenge.

[00:01:35] Okay. So, today, I have about half an hour for this live because I'm going to be accompanying one of my parents to a rather important doctor's appointment to find out a bit more about the situation that I've been talking - I've kind of been referring to. So, because of the flux that I have been also feeling in my emotions and in my physiological reactions, I think these couple of days has been perfect for me to share about the role of emotions and today, on the role of my body in the interior journey.

[00:02:12] Now, most of us, if you're like me, never thought that the body had an integral part to play in the interior journey. From my upbringing and my tradition, I used to think of the interior journey almost purely as a spiritual journey that maybe had to do with intellectually understanding something being able to exercise my will and discipline my emotions and my body.

[00:02:38] So, emotions and body used to, I think without me really realizing, they are like, the unruly parties that need to be kept in line for the interior journey. Right, and a lot of focus was on the intellect and on the will and spirituality, I thought was very much more - not so earthy, right.

[00:02:59] It's kind of like about the higher faculties, like I said, intellect and the spirit there's a lot of reasons for that. The tradition that I belong to, the literature that I read. In fact, I think if you're watching this and you're somebody who is also relatively well formed in your faith and Christianity, you will know why I have those assumptions.

[00:03:18] SPIRITUALITY IS RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
You probably believe the same things or have the same assumptions without you knowing. So, what I have been learning though, right. So, this has nothing to do with my own efforts, but because I think God led me on this journey, the ways that He had led me in very unexpected ways included showing me that the body and the emotions had actually a very important part to play in spirituality.

[00:03:47] And now that I'm where I am, I get it because spirituality, ultimately is relationship with God, right? Spirituality is about being in relationship with God. It's about being able to trust Him, being able to leap in, take leaps of faith because we trust Him, knowing who we are, being grounded in who we are, confidently, even if the world rejects us. To not forget who we are. That doesn't happen without relationship with God.

[00:04:14] So, if spirituality is ultimately about relationship with God, then of course, actually, it has to include our emotions and our body, not just as periphery things that we need to bother with because we happen to be human beings, but as very important integral parts of who we are. So, that's the big correction that I've been on and maybe the last 10 or years, a correction that has been very surprising and destabilizing because it's so foreign to what I had believed or what I had assumed.

[00:04:48] But the biggest struggle, I think that I had all this time since I was a teenager, I loved God. I wanted to love Him more. I wanted to trust Him more. But it was always so hard, right? and I'm honest enough to know that I don't really trust him. I wish I could trust Him more. When moments of testing come and then I fail and then I'm so filled with shame and it hits me so badly.

[00:05:13] THE RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR BODIES
Again, it's got to do with trusting God. Not just trusting God in order to, let's say, not yield to temptation, but trusting God after I've fallen, trusting in His mercy; that His love really, really isn't diminished because of my failure. I couldn't do that. I knew intellectually that I was supposed to believe that, but I couldn't do that.

[00:05:34] My relationship with God just didn't have that bit of trust. So, what I've realized on looking back now, is how big a part my body actually had to play or my relationship with my body had to play with why I couldn't trust God. So, God is always very - I sometimes, I have to say He's sneaky - not sneaky, I think he's an excellent teacher, right?

[00:05:57] His pedagogy, the way he leads me is just impeccable, but always so surprising. I didn't know that trust and the body had anything to do with one another, right? And what God ended up doing was He had to rebuild my relationship with my body first, before I could, or He could rebuild my relationship with Him.

[00:06:18] Okay, so, put another way, my relationship with Him was at an impasse. It could have - it's grown as much as it could have grown. It couldn't get past a certain point until I could rebuild my relationship with my body. And that invitation started with my body breaking down. Okay, so, it wasn't in a huge dramatic fashion.

[00:06:39] I wasn't in any like big urgent health crisis that was life threatening. And for that I'm grateful. Maybe God knows my limits. I'm actually quite - I don't like to think of myself as weak because that's one of my scripts. I feel I have to be capable and strong, but I think God knows me.

[00:06:57] And I think physical courage is not my strength. He gave me a lot of emotional resilience, I think, but maybe not very much physical courage. But when I say my body began to break down, it was in my mid-thirties, early to mid-thirties, okay. But I need to rewind a little bit and say that for those first 30 odd years, I've always seen my body as a liability for many different reasons.

[00:07:19] Okay, from the spiritual dimension, I see it as a liability because it's like the flesh is in the way. You know, like we're supposed to, for example, to fast in order to be free. We need to have our bodies be able to do what we want them to do, which always seems to be in this tension, right?

[00:07:34] The body doesn't want to do what my mind maybe tells me I should be doing. So, I've always kind of seen my body as a liability and my body is also a liability because when you have a lot of things to do, it is an annoyance that you have to sleep, that you have to eat in order to continue to survive, right?

[00:07:56] One of my clients this year, shared with me that the industry that he used to belong to still has an imprint on him, even though he has already left that industry. So, he doesn't have habit of eating lunch. Okay, and I said, why not? He said, you know, where I came from, there's a saying, lunch is for losers.

[00:08:15] Okay, so, while other normal people are eating lunch, these people, these high-powered people who are making tons of money, they're using lunch to meet with clients, to get more business, right? So, he was saying kind of like half joking, but at the same time, I think he realized like, oh my gosh, like, I didn't even realize it still has an impact on me - I still don't eat lunch. You know, it's so ingrained in me that lunch is for losers. For me, hunger is my weakness.

[00:08:40] So, I would not, if possible, skip lunch. But when I was much younger, in school days, I did that all the time because we had very short breaks for recess and for lunch. And I was involved in a lot of activities.

[00:08:55] I was a student leader, and those were also the only times we often had meetings. And I had to prepare for those meetings because usually, I'm the chair for those meetings. So, a lot of times I ended up skipping lunch. And then, at three o'clock or something, when finally, classes are over, I would eat - unhealthily, you know? 

[00:09:15] Because I'm so hungry at that point. I didn't realize that that taboo also began to set a pattern in my life that the needs of my body are secondary, not important - not as important as getting things done, not as important as accomplishing things, right, as work. So, apart from that, the other relationship I have with my body, two other things.

[00:09:39] One would be, okay, so, for health, I've also been told, you know, my upbringing, health is important, exercise is important. I also don't particularly - I'm not a very sporty person. So, it does take discipline to exercise. And I have discovered over time, exercises that I can enjoy, that I do, right? Like swimming and yoga and Pilates.

[00:10:00] ATTUNING TO THE NEEDS OF YOUR BODY: WHAT WORKS FOR YOU
I've realized that these exercises actually help to soothe my nervous system. So, back then I didn't know that language. Okay, but now I understand why those exercises actually worked for me because my nervous system is always very keyed up. I'm easily dysregulated emotionally and swimming, the sensation of the water, you know, kind of passing through my body and the fact that it's quiet or like Pilates or yoga, the, there's a kind of rhythm. Silence and stillness and breathing. I think the rhythmic breathing and the fact that these exercises allow me not to push myself. Yeah, I don't swim very - I can swim quite well. I'm not competitive swimmer, but I swim best when I'm not pushing myself, but when I'm paying attention to how it feels, how my body feels.

[00:10:55] But apart from that, exercise - I never really liked my body because I felt that I didn't have a good one. Okay, so, now we're going to be talking a bit about culture and value. So, both in the family that I grew up in and the school that I spent practically a decade in. Even if - I wonder if the adults and the leaders would consciously say, or agree with what I'm about to say, which is that they prized physical beauty.

[00:11:29] Okay, I say, I wonder, because I think they will say, no. And another way I would say, let's say, for example, the school I went to, would say excellence in every way, which includes physical beauty, if possible, right. But as a girl, as a woman and being very sensitive and a sensitive kid, I learned very young, I think from implicit messages, that I'm not pretty enough, right? I have younger cousins who are adorable. I mean, younger girl cousins who clearly are cuter than me, clearly are prettier than me.

[00:12:00] I have several of them. And if any of you are watching this, I love you. Okay, and I'm not jealous of you, but beauty has always been something that wasn't - I felt I didn't have. And in school as well, you know, we all admired the pretty girls and I, unfortunately, I think, got the bad side of the genes. 

[00:12:20] For one, I've had a lifelong battle with acne, right? And at times it's so bad and comes in waves that even now, in my forties, I still have to deal with it. That there were times when I really just became very resigned. Okay, and I've tried all kinds of treatment in the past and nothing really took it away for good.

[00:12:39] Eventually, I also realized that it was because it's something to do with what was going on inside my body. It wasn't just a skin thing, right? My gut, my stomach has been giving me problems since I was a kid. And I always thought that that was just purely a physiological thing. I didn't know that anything to do with the rest of me.

[00:12:59] The fact that I was always not feeling emotionally safe that I was always hypervigilant when I was growing up in my school, I was also always hypervigilant also because I was known by name by my principal and she had a habit of liking to call upon people without any - without any warning. And sometimes, calling you out in public to ask you a question and you have to - you're kind of like tested, you know? To show your knowledge. And she meant well. I know she saw that as kind of like a training for girls to be able to speak well, articulate well. But I got to tell you, my nervous system never felt safe in school. Okay, it was so normal for me, that back then, I didn't realize it was not normal to feel that way; feel clammy and constantly scanning and feeling like I have to be prepared at the drop of a - you know, without any notice, at the drop of a hat, to be able to answer any question that was given to me. And I felt that pressure to be able to answer well because I was a leader. Or else, I would embarrass myself and embarrass my school and embarrass my family.

[00:14:11] I know it sounds really, even a little bit funny when I put it that way. But imagine a teenager, and you remember what it's like to be a teenager? How sensitive that you are. That formed my relationship with my body as well. Okay, because I think in order to feel okay, to not be so aware that I'm constantly emotionally stressed all the time, I disconnected from my body.

[00:14:36] I didn't know how to love my body. I didn't feel there was anything to love. I wasn't beautiful enough to want to take extra care of myself. I mean, that's how I kind of like thought. There was nothing for me to preserve. I wasn't sporty enough. That there was anything for me to really also hone, you know? For me to feel like I needed to hone.

[00:14:55] And I just felt like my body, like I said, was a bit of a liability along with my emotions. I'm a very passionate person. And then when those emotions surge up, I just wish that I could use logic to control them, right. Now, at the same time though, I also was instructed, like, I mean, in terms of the values that were imparted to me, right - both in my family, even in my religion. That we are also meant to be grateful for the bodies that God has given to us, right? That our body is a temple.

[00:15:24] THE IRONY OF THE BODY
Now, I don't know about you. I wonder why I never noticed before, that it's a bit schizophrenic. That on one hand, my thought experience is that my body is a liability. It keeps me from achieving more, it tempts me to me to sin, to gluttony or to lust and all that kind of thing. But at the same time, my body is a temple and the same time I'm supposed to be grateful for my body. I don't know how to deal with that. Okay, so, I think for the longest time, I just didn't, I didn't - I was in my thirties and I burnt out.

[00:16:00] The immediate thing was chronic acid reflux. Okay, and I never had such bad acid reflux before. I may not have had it when I was younger. I don't remember that experience of waking up at night, not being able to sleep because you're coughing, not being able to sleep prone.

[00:16:16] All right, those of you who have acid reflux will know what I'm talking about. I relied on Western medication for a long time to control the acidity of my stomach. I tried apple cider vinegar, all kinds of things, changing my diet. But even my doctor was telling me, and it's something to do with your life, it's something to do with stress, you must be very stressed.

[00:16:37] And I was like, yes, but I can't do anything about that. I mean, I can't just leave my job. I mean, at that point in time, I mean, it seemed like the solution was, my doctor would tell me, maybe if you could take a long break from work, like a month or two months, maybe your condition will get better.

[00:16:54] And I was like, I don't have time to take such a break, right? There's no time. But here's the thing. Yes, there was stress, but the stress was exacerbated because my foundation, my nervous system, you will hear use the term nervous system more these days because I'm learning just how key a part of me that is.

[00:17:17] My nervous system has always already been operating at a capacity that's very stressed. So, I can't regulate very well. My capacity has been diminished over all those years and I never knew. So, I was very frustrated with myself because I often felt like, why is it that I can't deal with more stress? I remember when I was younger, I could deal with more stress.

[00:17:39] Why is it that now, with just what seems to be a little bit of stress, I fall sick? You know, and the stress isn't just necessarily deadline kind of stress or demands from work. I'm especially sensitive to emotional stress. So, think of the emotional undercurrents that happen in a work context or in relationship context.

[00:18:02] And I was working in a parish. So, that often work context had to do with relationship context, had to do with people. And then outside of work. I was going through my own healing journey with my family of origin, right? Halfway through that, I was starting to go for - no, I think I haven't gone for counselling yet, when I burnt out.

[00:18:22] But there was that stress that I wasn't really aware of the change that was happening in my relationship with my parents. So, during that period of time there was once when you know - so, as a woman, one of the things that also usually take a hit, and this is true - if you're a sister in Christ, if you're a woman, hear me out - this impacts our reproductive systems as well.

[00:18:47] Okay, so, during that period of time, my gynae also was telling me, look, if you want to conceive - I don't have any children. I'm okay with that. It's not part of God's plan and we've actually actively discerned that and embraced that. but the reality was that there was a period of time where it would have also been very difficult to, I mean, it was objectively difficult to conceive because of the state that my body was in.

[00:19:08] THE BODY NEVER LIES
Okay, and there were all kinds of things growing that I had to go for keyhole surgery to remove. But at the same time, I remembered what really struck me was there was one year where, when we did all the blood tests and everything, and my gynae said to me, and do you feel often like you want to punch somebody?

[00:19:26] And I was taken aback. I was like, huh? What do you mean? She says, I'm asking you, do you often feel like you want to punch somebody? She said, because your hormone levels are like off the charts, like the androgen levels, especially, kind of like the male hormone, is really high. And that usually means that you feel like you're very, you feel very aggressive.

[00:19:45] You're like, you want to fight. And I remember telling her, no, I don't feel like punching anybody. It's not the way I'm wired. I'm not physically aggressive, right. But the truth is I was constantly in a state of fight or flight. That's what I meant. I never felt safe and the body doesn't lie. That's another term that I learned in recent years. That's so true. The body never lies.

[00:20:10] Your mind can give you a story, can rationalize a story for you. You can try and manipulate your emotions or disconnect from your emotions, but your body doesn't take all that bullshit, okay.

[00:20:22] So, what's going on in your body is the truth. It's the real truth of how you're actually doing. And that was what I had to learn very painfully, that no matter how I tried to spiritualize things, no matter how I tried to put a positive spin, that this was for my growth, my body was screaming out, I'm not well, I'm not well.

[00:20:41] And eventually over time, because the reflux didn't get any better. I became very prone to falling sick, especially with stomach, any stomach related - so, IBS, irritable bowel syndrome, falling sick with gastric flu - I was very prone to gastric flu., And you guys, you know how horrible that is to - it's just not a good, it's one of my least favourite common illnesses, okay. But I had to deal with that a lot.

[00:21:11] So, how did God speak to me through that ordeal, that physical ordeal? This was one battle I could not win. I tried. Seeing doctors didn't help, didn't take it away. To have that for such a long time, like I said, it wasn't life threatening, but it kind of like erodes away at you, you know? Erodes something from you.

[00:21:33] And for me, I lost that sense that I was well. I felt very discouraged because objectively speaking, this meant that my energy levels were a lot lower. I had all this desire that I wanted to be able to serve God and serve His kingdom. I felt I was still so young and there was so much I wish I could still do, but I didn't have the physical capacity to do it.

[00:21:59] This, in a sense, I felt like it was kind of shoved into my face that I was vulnerable and that I was weak, that actually I was not in control. My stomach became a thermostat for me to when I am - so, there were three factors that would make me fall sick during those few years.

[00:22:16] As long as two out of three factors, if I hit two out of three factors, I would definitely fall sick. So, the first factor was fatigue. Okay, so, the level of fatigue. The second was diet. Okay, I had to really watch what I ate. Oh, there's so many things that I couldn't eat. Okay., That will irritate my stomach.

[00:22:32] And the third was stress and especially emotional stress. So, fatigue, diet, and stress. So, if I was not fatigued and I was not emotionally stressed, I could afford to eat a little bit more liberally and eat what I enjoyed and I'll be okay. Right, but the moment I had fatigue or I was emotionally stressed, if I'm not careful with what I ate, I would fall sick. Or even after a while when I became very disciplined because I was so frustrated with falling sick all the time that I said, okay, I'll be disciplined about what I eat.

[00:23:06] Even when I watch my diet very carefully, when I was fatigued, which was almost all the time, and there was emotional stress, which was also often all the time, I would fall sick. I do not know how to describe how helpless and powerless that made me feel, okay. While at the same time also not being able to sometimes improve the situations that I was in, the difficult relationships that I was finding myself struggling with. 

[00:23:35] HONOURING OUR DESIGN
God used that period of time, used my body to show me what kind of a crappy relationship I had with my body because I was very unkind. The way I thought about my body was so shaming, was so criticizing. I had nothing good to say about my body. Oh gosh, you see, when emotions swell up, that's also usually a sign that our nervous system is releasing something. It's true, okay? So, there's a part of me that feels like, "yeah, Ann. Now, I'm so glad you know now how mean you are". Because all I could think of is why are you so weak? You know, why is my body so weak? Why was I so weak?

[00:24:14] I didn't know how to hold myself with tenderness. I didn't know how to see that all these problems that were coming up in my body was actually my body doing exactly the thing God created it to do. I didn't realize that my nervous system was sending all these alarm signals, that my hormones were going off, making me feel, you know? My high blood pressure, getting my pressure up, making me break out and giving me all kinds of issues. I didn't know that those were alarms that God was sending to me, trying to tell me, and you're not living your life the way it's meant to be lived. You're not okay.

[00:24:55] I refused to hear the message that I was not okay because I was used to powering through, to forcing myself to make things work. So, during those few years of chronic illness, you know - and what was worse, in a sense, was because it's not okay. I don't want to say it's, on one hand, it's good because like I said, it's not a critical illness. But on the other hand, because it was so hidden and so chronic from the outside, I looked quite normal, right? So, people didn't know that I was ill, so they expected me to be normal and be able to do normal things and perform at a normal kind of level or do physical exertion, which I cannot. And it's so, I always felt so ashamed somehow. I felt it was kind of humiliating to have to say I can't do that, I'm not able to do that.

[00:25:37] And then I’m thinking, my goodness. They must be thinking what a wuss, you know? But so, all that was - now I look back at it, I realized it was grace because I realized how unable I was to trust that I am loved in my weakness and in my vulnerability. So, God was showing one, I was so uncomfortable in my vulnerability and weakness and two, I didn't trust Him with my vulnerability and weakness. The fact that my whole life I have been trying to bypass and overcome whatever seemed like weak and vulnerable, showed how I could not just relax and trust myself with Him. And that I didn't have the humility, that genuine sense of humility, not a kind of false kind of humility, but that humility that gives me peace at knowing my true condition, at my limits that if this is all I can do, this is all I can do.

[00:26:38] I didn't have that kind of humility because the fear and anxiety in me that I would only be worthy of love. If I was not weak, was too strong. So those years, in a sense, really having my powers stripped away from me, the feeling of weakness was very physical, was very real. And I think it helped because in my kind of personality and temperament, I can live quite happily in the abstract and in the conceptual. I'm not very in touch with my body.

[00:27:10] BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR BODIES
Like I said, I've been disconnected already from my body also because of the trauma responses that I've had. But being ill heightened, my senses to how my body felt. I had no choice. In a sense, I was forced to. But I began to see that as a grace. And do you know how long I prayed for healing? So long - for physical healing, for spiritual healing. And I even told the Lord at one point, I want to be able to serve You, but I can't. If I'm not more whole, I just can't do this. And I didn't realize back then that this whole journey was, well, the Lord knew of course, and He wanted to lead me into greater wholeness.

[00:27:52] But I had to stop abusing myself. I didn't even realize I was abusing myself. I didn't realize I was living a life that was very misaligned from how I was meant to live. And that the first thing I needed to learn was to love my body, to love myself, which included loving my body, which included holding myself with tenderness, without judgment, learning to appreciate and show reverence for what God has created in me, instead of having so many parts of myself that I rejected, that I didn't like, that I had no relationship with, right.

[00:28:27] And then I realized slowly, as I learned to listen to my body, and as I learned to recognize what is it that my body needed, that if I could treat myself with kindness and not just force myself to do what I think is the good thing, the disciplined thing, the holy thing, my relationship with God actually deepened.

[00:28:53] Now, isn't it funny? All those years of trying to be very spiritual, of trying to be very disciplined in prayer and all that, and I couldn't experience what it's like to really trust God. But when I learned how to listen to my body, when I learned to revere the body that He has given me, when I learned to be more holistic in seeing myself, and to be kind to myself - sometimes to even exercise the freedom to do what the old me or the mindset I had, was that this is not being disciplined or this is not being holy - I actually grew in humility. I could see truth with greater peace.

[00:29:35] I was more able to acknowledge my weakness, my vulnerability, and happily because I could experience God loving me so much in my weakness. You know, that's when I realized that wow, there was so much more to God. There's so much more to the spiritual journey. There's so much more to this interior journey than I ever thought. And I never knew. And I've been stuck for so long because I didn't have around me, people that modelled that for me. And that's something I think a lot of us lack. And that's also a big part of why I want to share what I do because when I do share these things, sometimes with individuals, I get the feedback that it's so helpful to them and they've not heard it before, right? But it's out there.

[00:30:19] Part of my gift or my call is to synthesize all the different threads of wisdom out there. I've learned them. I've practiced them. I've experienced them. I see how they come together. And really, I think for those of us who have that desire to, one, grow closer to God in our relationship, to really come to trust Him.

[00:30:40] And two, wish to be able to live or offer our lives in service of others in the best way possible, in a way that we're fully alive, in a way that's authentic to us. If that's you, and you know that even though the external metrics of your life may show that you're very successful, other people may think that you're doing well, but you know inside that something is hollow, something is missing, that no, you're not doing that well.

[00:31:08] I really urge you, for today's message, to look at your relationship with your body. Because, if you don't have a good relationship with your body, you can't deepen that relationship with God either. And you are actually sabotaging yourself in your ability to show up fully alive for that longer journey.

[00:31:30] Because all of us, our body is such an amazing thing, okay? I think God has given us unique bodies that are also attuned and aligned to the life that we are called to live. When our body acts up, if we learn to be more sensitive to the ways that it is not well, our body actually gives us clues as to where we are not saying no when we are supposed to say no, right?

[00:31:54] Where actually the truth inside us is no, I don't want to do this, but we forced ourself to ignore that no and just push on. And two, it also shows us over time when, what are the environments or the relationships or the kinds of activities that are actually toxic for us. Okay, and toxic may not necessarily mean that.

[00:32:14] It is evil, like that environment or that person or those relationships are bad in themselves, but it's toxic for us. Toxicity also has a dimension of subjectivity, okay? In a sense that sometimes what is good for another person because of our unique condition or the way that we're created or the specific wounds that we have had, that could be actually very dangerous to us.

[00:32:38] I mean, this is the case even in terms of drugs, synthetic drugs, right? If you're allergic to something that could save the life of another person, you're allergic to, it could kill you. Or even natural, organic herbs, you know? Some herbs are very potent and while it could save lives, if used on someone who has a certain constitution that can't process or digest this herb, it could also kill that person.

[00:33:01] So, our bodies is God's wonderful way of giving us clues as to the uniqueness that He has built into us. If we don't reconnect with our bodies, we don't know how to listen to our bodies, we will also not have the ability to trust our own decisions. When we learn how to listen to our bodies, we will have greater confidence to make decisions and discernments because we know we're acting in alignment with the design that God has given us.

[00:33:28] And also, of course, as we learn to trust our bodies, or learn to listen to our bodies, we will experience in our body what it feels like to be loved by God, okay. No relationship with body cannot experience that relationship with God in our body, reconnect with our body, rebuild that relationship with our body and then we'll begin to experience what it's like to have our spirituality embodied in our nervous systems and that healing also includes healing of our nervous systems and healing of our bodies to be able to love well.

[00:34:02] We need all of us. I really believe we need to have a new way of looking at spirituality, a new way of looking at growing in holiness. And what it means, to become gift, to see our whole selves as gift and to become gift. So, here's praying that you will come to experience the beauty of your body.

[00:34:27] Ooh, I've got a couple of questions. Okay, so, a couple of questions now before I end today's Live. Okay, there's a question; how were you able to continue to stick with God throughout all the pain?

[00:34:44] Okay, so, I think that's a really good question. There are two things. One, I think because when I was 15 years old and 18, quite early on, I had really like, can I say a real experience of God in communication with me, speaking to me, that He was real. And that I saw the life of the saints when I was on pilgrimage, when I was younger, I saw how much pain they were in.

[00:35:11] I think I've always understood at some level, from youth that pain is present in our life. But the lives of the saints showed me that it was possible to have peace in the midst of pain. And I wanted that. So, that was what started me on the journey. So, I think in day one of this Live, when I shared what started me on the interior journey, I talked about that story.

[00:35:32] So, that was the context of the start of my relationship with God. So, even as life went on and all that pain and suffering came on, one thing I knew I would not give up is my relationship with God. Okay, it's too real. Even when it was still distorted, it was the source of hope, the source of light. And I think it's a grace. So, that's why I haven't given up.

[00:35:56] And really, even when there were times that I may have thought, maybe it'd be easier if I didn't care so much about my relationship with God, about what pleased Him, it's really that - like the passage from John chapter six, you know? When Jesus had talked, given the teaching about his body and his blood and a lot of people who were following Him had left Him. And He asked his disciples, I mean, the closest circle, are you too going to leave me?

[00:36:18] And Simon Peter said, well, to whom shall we go? you have the words of eternal life. I have felt that in my life many times, even if it's hard going forward. I cannot imagine turning back and that's why I keep going. And so far, I mean, I have not I've never regretted. Like through the pain it comes in kind of like waves and waves over a few years. But when you've done the work that that particular season of life is meant to build you or heal you, you see the fruit. And for me, I keep seeing fruits. So, I know the Lord is with me. 

[00:36:58] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!