How Learning About Trauma Helped My Spiritual Life

EPISODE 108 | HOW LEARNING ABOUT COMPLEX TRAUMA HELPED MY SPIRITUAL LIFE

Hello, dear listeners, and a very blessed and happy new year to you. This is the first podcast episode drop of 2024. Now, what you'll be hearing later on is actually something that I recorded last year, but I wanted to add a more current welcome and introduction seeing as this is, after all, the first episode of a new season, first episode of the new year.

[00:00:30] So first, a couple of updates regarding the podcast. If you have been following Becoming Me since its inception in 2020, you'll know that it started off with weekly episodes for the first, I think, couple of months when I started off podcasting, and then I quickly realized that was not sustainable for me.

[00:00:55] Also because at that time, all this was so new. I had such a steep learning curve. I knew I would very quickly burn out if I kept it up at a weekly pace. And that is why in 2021, And 2022, I think for those two years, I have been dropping episodes pretty much once every two weeks kind of frequency with a couple of longer breaks in the year, because I really believe in the importance of taking breaks to rest and reset and also to give me time to review what it is that I'm putting out there.

[00:01:37] Is it still what I stand behind? Is it genuine, authentic to my own journey? What's the point of just putting out content if I can't be real and authentic about it, right? Especially since Becoming Me is all about this journey into authenticity and wholeness. So that was 2021 and 2022. And then halfway through last year, 2023, I stumbled upon a new, you could say, production flow for the podcast, and that was to do a recording or to do a Instagram Live; so, to record myself sharing or teaching something Live and then use that video for YouTube and extract the audio from that sharing and the teaching for my podcast that has allowed me to streamline the way I create my content.

[00:02:37] That's something that I've always wondered how I could do. I don't want to get too dissipated. But at the same time, I hear feedback from different people who follow me on maybe Instagram, on YouTube, or on my podcast. And I know, you know, it's really true. There's no one size fit all. There are different strokes for different folks.

[00:03:02] There's some of you that are more visual. Some people are more auditory. And I really want to try and honour that diversity while at the same time keeping, you know, a prayerful, spiritually authentic watch on my capacity and what is it that I'm called to do. So, I don't want to be to be just drawn into trying to cover everything.

[00:03:24] NEW SEASON UPDATES
So, at the moment, this process, this workflow is still helpful. I'm going to try and keep up the same process. So, when I stumbled upon this production flow, it started with a 30-day Instagram Live challenge. So, the second half of last year, I was pumping out podcast episodes, about two episodes a week.

[00:03:48] And now that we've cleared the backlog from the 30-day Instagram Live challenge, starting from this episode, we're going back to a once-a-week kind of rhythm of episode drops. So, that's just a little bit of an update for you. May or may not make too much difference, but I like to keep my listeners and my followers a bit abreast of what is happening in my life in what I'm doing because what I share in my content is so intimately tied to my ongoing interior journey.

[00:04:24] So, with that update out of the way, I wanted to share a bit more about the direction in terms of the content you'll be hearing in this season of the podcast. So, in 2021, in my own life in 2021, was when I really began to delve into what was a very new territory, very new realm for me, and that is learning about trauma.

[00:04:49] It started out with coming across the documentary or the documentary film that was titled The Wisdom of Trauma that featured the work of Dr. Gabo Mate. It was very, very life changing for me to learn about trauma because so much of it resonated with what I have already been learning or trying to do in my interior journey without this vocabulary, without this understanding and knowledge of the impact of trauma or even the nature of trauma; that trauma is not just what happened to us, but what happens inside of us because of what happened to us, that there is such a thing called complex trauma, which isn't just about like major big events that, you know, are life threatening or extremely harmful or traumatic in that event.

[00:05:47] Complex trauma could be the slow, long term accumulation of many disconnections, that things like emotional neglect, chronic emotional neglect could cause trauma, that witnessing ongoing conflict or violence at home, having and family members who maybe have mental illness or addictions - all that could lead to very real impact on our nervous system, on our brain development.

[00:06:18] And all this impacts our capacity and ability to relate to anyone in the world, including God and ourself, right? So, so much of my own life experiences that you would have heard in the earlier episodes of Becoming Me, before I learned about trauma about my experiences of loneliness, of the fear of not being good enough, of that constant fear of abandonment, of that addiction or compulsion to perform so that people will, will like me, will approve of me.

[00:06:57] When I began learning about trauma, I picked up a new vocabulary and a new understanding as to the causes of why so much of my life experiences are the way they are. And it sheds so much light, more light, I would say, to my understanding of my family dynamics, of the dysfunction that I have inherited, of why I respond the way that I do, of the woundings that I've received.

[00:07:24] Many of these things I'd begun to already learn through, let's say, inner child work, right, and all that. But learning about trauma, and particularly how trauma impacts or lives in our bodies, and how our emotions, our emotional regulation, our reactions, all that can be linked back to what happened to us.

[00:07:53] It really helped me to. Shift from asking that question that I think a lot of you would be very familiar with, which is what is wrong with me? Right? I know that this question isn't helpful. I've known this for a long time, but it's so instinctive, right? Like when shame hits, when I find myself or I catch myself reacting in the same way that I wish that I have already outgrown, that I have become, you know, better than that. Instinctively, the question that will come up in my mind is what's wrong with me?

[00:08:30] Learning about trauma has really helped me to see that it's not so much what's wrong with me, but what happened to me that caused or began a chain reaction to why I react the way that I react, why I have such low capacity in certain areas that I really struggle with, why is it that, you know, that some wounds are so hard to get over.

[00:08:59] There's just so many things. It helps me to be curious and compassionate about my own inquiry as to why it is that certain things are still happening the way that they are or why my reactions are still the way they are after so long. 

[00:09:19] Now, as is always the case with me, I like to only really talk or write about things that I have already had time to digest, to integrate into my own lived experience.

[00:09:32] Praxis is so important. You keep hearing me talk about that. I don't like to talk about concepts and theories that I have only begun to understand intellectually. It's just so different when I can explain things to you or share things with you from a place of lived experience and integration and understanding, so that my understanding is not just conceptual, but it comes from living it, right?

[00:10:00] Not perfectly, of course, but then I get a sense of what is it I'm trying to convey? And from the feedback I often get from my listeners, or my followers on Instagram, or my writing, it is precisely this, it seems, that many of you look forward to. It's not so much the knowledge, which I think you can actually pick it up better elsewhere from experts in different fields, but what you enjoy or what you can receive from me that's unique is this synthesis that comes from my praxis and my lived experience and the insights that I have to share about being someone on this journey together with you. 

[00:10:42] And so it is that slowly, slowly over time, you may have realized that the term trauma would have come in more and more in my podcast episodes. What you'll be hearing after this very long introduction is a sharing on how learning about trauma has impacted my spiritual life or how I've made my spiritual journey.

[00:11:02] Because for me, that's where I began my interior journey from the perspective of a relationship with God from the perspective of faith. And over time, I've realized that, you know, God is truly in all things and He leads us and heals us and guides us through so many, so many different ways and different disciplines through the whole of creation.

[00:11:32] It's not just that which is explicitly spiritual and religious that He uses. And learning about trauma really helps me address the practical dimension of faith. Because after all, for me, being a Christian being someone who desires to know and love God more, and then to love like Him, really, to become a more loving, authentic person because of Him.

[00:12:03] Ultimately, it's always the practical question of how do I get there, and why is it that I'm struggling so much to get there, right? To be that, to just love and be loved. Why is it so hard for me to be at peace with myself and to believe that I am loved and to have the confidence to love others without so much of my defense mechanisms being up and so much fear of abandonment, et cetera, et cetera.

[00:12:32] So, I hope you will also enjoy what I will be sharing, not just in this episode, but in the following episodes in this season where I begin to integrate more what I have already learned and practiced in, let's say, my spiritual journey with myself. The new things that I've been picking up about trauma, and in some cases, I make the link between what would usually come from a spiritual lens, what I picked up in spiritual direction, retreat, for example, through prayer, and what I have learned and practiced and picked up through therapy and psychology, and how I began to see they work as one.

[00:13:11] They work as one by the grace of God and in the love of God. So, that's what I wanted to share in this introduction that is turning out to be about the same length as the sharing that you'll be hearing after this. I hope that you will enjoy listening to this episode and I really hope that you will also be more open to learning along with me.

[00:13:38] About trauma and learning about how maybe, you know, the things that you have not realized that had happened to you in your life, in your family of origin, that they can be revisited with greater compassion, courage, really, to see the truth of things, slowly, gradually, of course, but to be open to recognize the trauma in your own life. Because that is the path to true healing, deeper healing, more holistic healing. To be willing to open our eyes, not only to the depth of the gravity of how we've been hurt, but also to be open to seeing how that same honesty and courage allows us to see new possibilities of the depth of God's love and the potential for healing. So, enjoy this sharing and I am praying for you as you begin this new year.

[00:14:47] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me.

[00:15:24] THE CONNECTION BETWEEN SPIRITUAL JOURNEY AND TRAUMA
Okay, so, I would like to talk about how learning about trauma and learning more about the body and the nervous system has made an impact on my spiritual journey, all right. Because I think that maybe some of you who are either more familiar with the spiritual journey or more familiar with the healing, trauma and nervous system regulation and all that - may not quite have experienced or seen how connected these two things are, right, the spiritual journey and trauma. 

[00:16:05] EXPLORING DIFFERENT SPIRITUAL PATHS
[00:16:05] So, I came from the line of relationship with God and being prayerful and learning about my faith, taking my faith seriously, seeking God, wanting to have a better relationship with Him, wanting to learn more about Him, desiring to grow in my prayer life so that I can be closer to God.

[00:16:25] And so, from that place, learning, you know, trying different methods of prayer, different spiritualities, going for different kinds of retreats. And there's so many. There's just so many, right? Too many. I mean, in a good way, in a good way. I mean, as a Catholic, I love how rich our history and our tradition is and the many strands of spiritualities and the many charisms from different religious orders, even different ways of praying, of seeking God.

[00:16:53] That, to me, reflects the diversity of the creation that God made. There is no one way, right? Even in this one family or this one church, there are so many ways. There are so many unique ways and paths that emphasize different facets of truth, of beauty, of goodness, right? I think they reflect different facets of God.

[00:17:17] So, on one hand, it's wonderful because it's so rich. But on the other hand, it can be very overwhelming and it's easy for us to feel stuck or give up when we realize just how much there is. You know, when every other person out of good intention tells you this is what you need to do. You should pray, for example, the rosary every day.

[00:17:36] Another person tells you, you should also add in, you know, devotion to you know, divine mercy, right? Or there's so many, you know? Or this novena and that novena and this retreat or pray the liturgy of the hours. I mean, plus maybe do a holy hour and then you need to study scripture.

[00:17:52] How many hours do we have in the day, right? And if we try to cover all of these, we're not going to be able to accomplish anything. But I tried, I think for many years, not all at once. I tried in different seasons of my life. I was led to different, different ways and different ways of deepening my relationship with God. And they all did help.

[00:18:13] THE STRUGGLE WITH SPIRITUAL GROWTH
But even as I drew closer to, to Christ and God, there was something I noticed. That hollowness that was inside me didn't go away, okay. Let's say I'm in prayer, you know? Did it help me grow into fruit of the spirit? Yes. Especially when I'm in prayer or shortly after or in spaces where I wasn't so maybe easily triggered. 

[00:18:38] But the moment I'm back in familiar environments where triggers are plenty. So, for example, let's say in family or at work, right? When there's something or a personality that is very challenging, specifically to maybe the issues that are inside me, I still can't help my reaction. That's what I observed about myself. And so, for years, it was, I think, maybe that's a necessary part of my pain or a necessary part of the lesson of the journey.

[00:19:08] I saw that I was still helpless and I also want to say I believe it was necessary for me to feel that helplessness. To really really get it just how impossible even the tiniest step is without grace. And I had to learn to be patient and to wait and to trust that if God hadn't given me the grace to do something yet, then He hasn't called me to do it yet.

[00:19:31] I shouldn't be measuring myself to, you know, what I thought were like objective standards of spiritual excellence or moral excellence or what it means to be Christ-like. If He hasn't given me the grace to do that specific action or to be that way yet, then the honest truth and authentic place to be is I'm not there yet. And that's where God meets me, right?

[00:19:56] THE REVELATION OF A SHAKY FOUNDATION
Then a point came when I guess in my journey where the Lord revealed to me that all the growth I'd experienced up to that point was built on a very shaky and even rotten foundation, actually. I mean, the image that came in that retreat, the prayer was that there was something wrong in the foundations of the building that I was trying to erect, to build, you know? And although there's been a lot of construction already on, you know, on the walls and, you know, of that building in that particular prayer image, it was a church that was being erected.

[00:20:30] I felt the Lord tell me this project is not going to be able to be completed because there's rot in the foundation. And the only way to complete this building is to tear everything down that you see, and then not only just everything down that you can visibly see above ground, we are going to have to excavate the foundation, scoop everything up, dig everything up, clear out everything in the foundation, and then start again.

[00:20:56] And start again. And this time He said, you know, we do it right. Stone by stone, we'll do it right, we'll do it together. And you can imagine, I was in my, I think beyond mid-thirties when that particular prayer, revelation came. And I've been trying for, you know, so hard to build my spiritual life for more than a decade.

[00:21:20] Actually more than... Well, no, I'll say two decades already by then. And to hear at that point that we have to tear everything down and even go to the foundations, like clear the foundations. If He hadn't really built my security in Him, when I heard that, there's no way I could have accepted that, all right.

[00:21:39] I would have been so discouraged, but I wasn't. I mean, it didn't feel like good news, but at the same time I knew He was speaking the truth to me. And if that was the way, then that was the way, right? So, for a few years after that, it wasn't still clear to me what He meant that the foundations needed to be excavated, that everything needed to be torn down and the foundations need to be excavated.

[00:22:03] THE PROCESS OF SPIRITUAL UNDOING
It was only after a few years of very disorienting kind of spiritual experiences where all the things that used to work before didn't work, didn't stick and the younger parts of me, the rebellious parts of me all started surfacing, you know, and I let them surface because in the past, I would always press those parts down.

[00:22:21] I would shove them off to the side because they didn't reflect to me what spiritual maturity should look like. They didn't reflect to me what responsibility and you know, and goodness and discipline looked like. So, I shut them up. I pushed them away in order to build and focus on what I thought were the right things, right?

[00:22:41] So, when the undoing began, I would say even I'm not the one that was undoing it. It felt like God was undoing me. All those parts that had been long repressed, they all searched up and sought my attention. They wanted air. They wanted to be seen and heard and acknowledged. And so, that happened for a while and it felt so weird because it's the first time I'm letting them out and knowing that God is with me and loving them, like loving these parts of me that I always thought should have no part in being a good, you know, a good Christian, a responsible Christian.

[00:23:15] UNDERSTANDING COMPLEX TRAUMA
And then that went on for a few years before I stumbled across, you know, literature about trauma, about complex trauma. Complex trauma, which is not just those big, you know, life threatening events like natural disasters or huge, you know, huge accidents or events that literally like, you know, threaten our life or put us in grave, physical danger or war.

[00:23:39] I mean, we usually might think of trauma, we think of all those big things. But I learned that there's such a thing called complex trauma, which is a lot more everyday, right? For example, that growing up in a family with mental disease, if someone in your family, especially one of your parents, had mental disease or addiction, like alcoholism or gambling, you know, that a child growing up in that environment would be a victim of, and a survivor, I would say a survivor, of complex trauma, because those kind of instances usually would reflect an inability for the parents, the caregivers to be present, to have healthy attachment with the child, which we all need for healthy brain development. And not just healthy brain development. To learn how to regulate our emotions, how to relate to other people securely. And there are so many reasons why that wouldn't have been available to us, right?

[00:24:32] So, even outside of mental disease or outside of having addiction in the family, if your parents were out at work a lot, maybe because it's necessary, right? And they couldn't be there for you reliably if you were, you know, brought up by someone else who wasn't also able to give what was necessary for that healthy development in the child.

[00:24:54] We would have abandonment issues, we would have insecure attachment styles. And a lot of times because our own caregivers, our own parents, even if they were there physically and they did their best, maybe because they were survivors of complex trauma themselves, and they weren't attuned to their own emotions, so, they couldn't attune to us when we were children.

[00:25:15] That's just the reality of it. And something happens to us. Something happens to us and so much of what we know as ourselves - "know", right? As in so much of our personalities and the way we react and do things. They are coping mechanisms. They are defense mechanisms, you know? Like for me, always reading the emotional temperature of the people around me, especially the important people around me.

[00:25:39] So, let's say people in authority, my parents, my boss, my teachers or significant others, friends that I love, or my spouse. Even my dog. I just want to say sometimes it's just how funny it is, right? I try and read the temperature, the emotional temperature of my dog. Why? Because something in me can't bear it if somebody who is significant to me or who has an impact on my life is emotionally dysregulated.

[00:26:08] I feel it. It affects my emotional stability when somebody close to me is emotionally in distress, right? And I never knew that that was not just the fact that I was sensitive and empathy, you know, that a lot of empathy You know, it wasn't just that it was because that something has been damaged in me, my ability. I never really knew or learned how to regulate my emotions and how to have a boundary around what's me and what's mine, including my emotions and what's someone else's emotion, right? And I couldn't help it.

[00:26:44] THE IMPACT OF TRAUMA ON THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
I always felt responsible, even when I really am not the one that's responsible for another person's problem. I didn't know how to draw near to help without feeling deeply personally responsible and emotionally completely vested in the other person's drama. Right, so, it was only after I learned about complex trauma and about the impact of complex trauma on the nervous system that I understood this is what was going on with me.

[00:27:10] And that's why, even with all the deepening of my spiritual life, of prayer life, these realities, the experiences inside me never changed. They didn't change. And you know what, it was God who led me to this literature. It was God who, step by step, as He healed me and taught me, led me to understand more about the body that He created, that He gave me, that He gave human beings, the way He designed me, and the way He wants to relate to me, and He's the one that showed me that I've been so cut off from my own, not just my emotions, because I think I find emotions very overwhelming.

[00:27:48] THE INTEGRATION OF BODY, MIND, AND SPIRIT
I've been so cut off from my body. I've denigrated my body. I've separated myself from what is actually meant to be me, not just a part of me, but part, you know, really me. I am my body also, you know? I never thought that that was the case. But that's what God was showing, that I can't be separated. My intellect and my emotions and my body and my soul, my spirit, they can't be separated, you know.

[00:28:16] We can think of them distinctly, but they operate together, in synchrony. And when we are disintegrated because of trauma and all that, we can't worship Him as a whole self. We can't receive Him and His love because there are parts of us that are not in operation or are in dysfunction.

[00:28:40] And so, I just hope that this little sharing may surface to you and highlight to you how all this, the new literature that we see now about trauma and nervous system really, really, you know, is related to and can help us on our spiritual journey, coming closer to God and becoming more able to give and receive love.

[00:29:09] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast, would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!