Navigating Healing of Relationships In Dysfunctional Families: A Christian Perspective

EPISODE 117 | NAVIGATING HEALING OF RELATIONSHIPS IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES: A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE

Ground ourselves in God's infinite an unconditional love that covers everything. Only by grounding ourself in this love can we have the freedom to act according to what we know is necessary, even when it is so called less than perfect, even if we're being judged and criticized by others or by our own inner parts.

[00:00:23] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:00:59] Hello, good morning or good evening depending on where you're watching this Live from, if you pop in. I am going to be continuing this rather practical streak of talking about something that's very much lived.

[00:01:16] THE CHALLENGEs OF INTEGRATION AND DISCIPLESHIP
All right, so, I just want to acknowledge, first of all, that I think there's something that's very challenging for those of us who are trying to do this work of integration, and who are also trying to be committed disciples of Christ.

[00:01:34] I mean it's either alone, I think, is difficult and challenging enough, yeah? Even if we're not disciples of Christ, you know, going on this journey of recognizing that we are people in need of healing and trying to go on that journey of healing is difficult and complex enough. Anything to do with relationships with ourselves and others is complex enough.

[00:01:59] And if you, like me, you know, have had this relationship with Christ or have been trying to be a disciple of Christ long before you were aware of anything to do with trauma or healing, you know, that was also challenging already. When we try and bring these two dimensions together, I think the challenge is, in some sense, on a very different plane altogether.

[00:02:25] I don't want to say that it's even harder because I think hard is hard. They're all very, very challenging. But the nature of trying to integrate the healing journey as we understand trauma, as we begin to have our eyes opened to the fact that we were, or we are survivors and victims of abuse in situations where abuse is not recognized, that is really hard, especially when we are talking about also trying to live, you know, loving our enemies, right? So, that's like a huge, huge part of discipleship that I think many of us know is not easy.

[00:03:08] NAVIGATING LOVE AND ENMiTY WITHIN OUR FAMILIES
But what I want to talk about today, is a perspective, I think not many of us really think about and that is that sometimes the enemy that we need to love or that we are called to love is in our own homes or in our own families.

[00:03:22] Now, we don't often have that perspective because I think there is a part of us that really don't want to think of our family members as the enemy. No matter how fraught or difficult our relationship may be. I mean, sometimes I guess in really, you know, marriages that are really very, very broken down, maybe, they do see each other as enemy.

[00:03:48] I've heard that before, unfortunately. But short of that, most of the time, I think there's a dissonance there, right? Because we feel like if I see my family member as the enemy, how am I going to love them? We don't usually think that loving the enemy is easy. But that's exactly the point.

[00:04:10] THE COMPLEXITIES OF HEALING AND RELATIONSHIPS
On this interior integration journey, I think honesty, like truth, has to be first and foremost present, right? So, we need to see things as they are and I want to propose that if you, like me - this is also very real for me right now because it is a very challenging season in my life where I'm trying to live what I'm also sharing about. 

[00:04:39] How do you hold that tension in yourself, that desire for love and to love and for connection? And at the same time, recognizing that you are in a place in a situation where you can be harmed, that you may not be able to get that connection that you long for, that you desire, right?

[00:05:02] That you need to protect yourself, but at the same time, you don't want to close the door completely to any possibility of relationship. That is true, I think, for anyone, whether they have faith or not. But I really experience in my own journey that when there's this dimension of Christ, of God, especially of the contemplative dimension of how suffering and love can coexist, there are a couple of things that we may find hard to navigate because they seem to come from a different angle, opposite sides.

[00:05:41] Okay, so, it's complex and delicate, okay? It's complex and delicate. We are talking about both nature because this is, we're talking about natural relationships or even family and our natural needs. We're talking about the body, the nervous system. We're talking about the nature that God gives us, but we're also talking about grace - grace that doesn't destroy nature.

[00:06:03] So, we need to remember to live the life of grace should not be in a way that goes against our nature or destroys our nature. But grace can perfect nature. Grace can bring us beyond what the natural world can do, right? So, that's a very special dimension that is present for those of us who are also disciples of Christ, trying to live this integration and healing journey as survivors of complex trauma.

[00:06:30] We must always also remember there is that additional dimension of supernatural grace. But at the same time honouring our nature, okay? So, a lot of the topics that I’ve talked about before, I won't go in depth in today's sharing. But they're all kind of implicit there, okay. So, for example, how do we do this without bypassing our humanity?

[00:06:51] By kind of like ignoring our real human emotional needs and just thinking that we can pray away the problem or that loving an abusive family member, for example, means that I need to avail myself to abuse and be a doormat, right? Because if we don't have that ability to see that we are called to honour our nature as well and to love ourselves, that's often what happens. And that doesn't help anyone at all. 

[00:07:20] Right, so, when we are aware, we don't want to bypass our humanity, we don't want to bypass our emotions. We have become aware that we are in relationships that do harm us. Whether or not the other party can see that, acknowledges that.

[00:07:36] RECOGNISING AND ADDRESSING TOXIC FAMILY DYNAMICS
Unfortunately, a lot of times, the kind of very unhealthy, toxic, dysfunctional dynamics that we have in our families is cultural, is systemic, is intergenerational. I've been talking to a good friend of mine who also does a lot of interior work, as in she's also a spiritual director and, you know, and a counsellor, and also has a very difficult family.

[00:08:01] So, we've been journeying together, kind of like with one another. And we've noticed something. It's easier for us to see the toxicity and abuse in the other person's family than it is in our own. I think because always, when it's your own and you've grown up with it, you can't quite see it, not as clearly. But we have to learn to have the eyes to recognize the harm, right?

[00:08:25] Because it may have been there since we were young, it may be there in our extended family. So, it's what we think is normal. But when we see something in another person's family, it is a lot easier for us to recognize that that's really not okay, like that's abuse, or that's really toxic, and you need to be careful, right?

[00:08:43] But in both our cases, like my friend and I, we recognize that it's cultural, too. And that's why it's so insidious. And I've mentioned in some of my written static posts before, or in my stories and in my Instagram - it's so sad that as Church, as disciples of Christ, we have become blind to many practices within families that are really not okay, that are downright abusive, even if not physically abusive, which sometimes happens, emotionally abusive, spiritually abusive.

[00:09:18] And because it is part of the heritage of, let's say, the culture, right, not necessarily just within, I'm not talking just about church culture, but let's say in, you know, the place where we grow up. Me being, for example, Chinese, Asian.

[00:09:31] We think it's okay. We don't have the eyes to call out that this is harm and that this is a part of the culture that needs to be redeemed. So, this is a double bind that those of us who are now aware that this is not okay. This is a double bind we have to deal with because most of the people around us, including our faith community, may not have their eyes open to this fact yet.

[00:09:57] It may still be part of what they think is norm, what they understand as loving and honouring our parents, may, in a sense, still accept behaviour and action that is harmful, that does not honour the dignity of children, that puts us in harm's way. Alright, so, that's a double bind. So, it's really not easy being in this place. So, if you are also an interior pilgrim that's trying to navigate these waters, I just want to say I pray for you and I honour you and I ask you for prayers as well because I think this is really the cost of discipleship and it's really what it's like to try and live what we proclaim and believe.

[00:10:44] So, how do we accompany ourselves, because this is really challenging. Okay, how do we go about being in a relationship with a family that's toxic or dysfunctional while honouring ourselves and still trying to love? Okay, so, what do we do when the enemy we're trying to love is our family or a family member?

[00:11:05] SIX GENTLE REMINDERS FOR NAVIGATING TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
So, I'm just going to talk about six gentle reminders. There are obviously going to be a lot more but six reminders that I think it's important and helpful. Okay, so, the first reminder is to acknowledge the truth of enmity. So, when I started this sharing, I talked about how for many of us we don't even allow ourselves to think of the family member or family member maybe a parent or a sibling or you know an in-law or whatever as enemy But, look. Abuse is abuse, okay? The harm that is caused to us, to you, is real. 

[00:11:44] When I say enemy, I'm just saying if in the presence of this person, you know you're going to be harmed. You've realized that you are harmed. You know you're not safe. You know that could be emotional abuse, financial abuse. Financial abuse in a sense of, you know, someone maybe using money to control you. This happens a lot. This happens a lot when there is that resource, right? Someone using money to control you. There is enmity, okay?

[00:12:13] So, first is to acknowledge the truth of enmity. Do not minimize or bypass this truth, okay? It's okay. It's okay to acknowledge the truth. Because, after all, we are called to love our enemies, right? As in, we need to see that this is not a healthy relationship. Love in this relationship will look very different than love in a healthy, emotionally healthy, functioning relationship. Okay, so, we need to acknowledge the truth of enmity.

[00:12:46] Do not minimize or bypass this. Be clear that you are entering the arena, where you're going to be putting yourself in harm's way whenever you're going to interact. Okay, our bodies instinctively know this when we are about to meet a toxic family member or let's say have a family gathering with our families that is functional.

[00:13:07] Usually, our nervous system already knows that we already go into fight or flight, right? So, that's instinctive. But now we're talking about accompanying ourselves with our higher powers as well, with our cognition, with the resources that we have developed in our integration journey. It helps to know, to be mindful that I'm not entering a safe space, okay. I'm entering an arena where I am putting myself in harm's way whenever I come into contact with this person, okay.

[00:13:37] And when I want to come into contact person - so, in a sense we have to gird our loins, you know? It's like, we need to resource ourselves before that, you know. Take some moment beforehand, rest or meditate, pray. Do some mindfulness practice or grounding, you know? Talk to someone or, or don't go alone, go with someone that's a safe person who you know can help you remain grounded and if need be, buffer the interaction.

[00:14:11] Right, that could, this could be another family member or a spouse that maybe is more immune to the dysfunction in your family because it's not their own family, for example. So, that's the first point, right? Acknowledge the truth of enmity and also remember that your own protection is a priority. Okay, so, it's no point acknowledging the amnesty if you're not interested in protecting yourself. So, I'm assuming that, you know, if you're watching this video, if you've been following my content, you have already realized that you're worthy of protecting, okay? And you do want to protect yourself. So, acknowledge the amnesty and that you're entering into an arena where harm will likely take place. Okay, that's the first, the first reminder. 

[00:14:51] The second reminder is have a trustworthy third party, remind you of point one. Okay, have a trustworthy third party, remind you of the first point, which is that there is enmity, okay, in your family.

[00:15:05] Sometimes, we forget or we slip into the default mode because It's our normal, all right? So, this trustworthy third party could be a spouse, could be a friend, could be a therapist, could be a spiritual director, someone that you're in regular contact with, ideally, whom you can talk about, we can talk and share with, you know, this person what's happening in your dynamics. And they, as an objective, trustworthy third party, can call out the abuse or the toxicity that's happening to you, or around you, which you may not be able to see. 

[00:15:44] Okay, that is the point of having the trustworthy third party. Because, like I mentioned with my own friend, it's easier often for someone else to see the abuse, and to call it out as abuse. So, you know when you're really in the thick of it sometimes, you know, in life, there are different seasons, and sometimes it's just harder to stay away, even when you do want to have boundaries, especially if you're trying to live this tension.

[00:16:08] Like I said, you do still wish to love. You do still wish to, you know, like you want to love, but you want to protect yourself, right? As in, you want to love, but you want to try and minimize the harm done to yourself, but you can't. You know, you can't love without risk and at some point, really kind of like allowing yourself to be hurt. So, it's a matter of how to mitigate this. And in order to mitigate this, you need to have clarity of what is actually happening, right? How much harm is actually happening to you?

[00:16:39] So, like I mentioned, my friend and I - it's interesting. We're kind of going through parallel situations right now, where there is one of our parents is having, you know, medical issues, and so there's a lot of, kind of like, you know, challenges and drama that's happening around that.

[00:16:54] Sometimes, it's not even the illness that's the most difficult thing, it's what surrounds it, right? And one thing that we notice is that when we - so we kind of take turns, right? We share with one another, and the other person can... spot when emotional manipulation is happening, when emotional blackmail is happening.

[00:17:13] For example, when there's some kind of spiritual abuse happening, when we are in the thick of something, especially when it's a very trying period, sometimes you just feel very overwhelmed and very lost. And to even have someone else acknowledge that what we had endured was toxic that what we had endured was abusive, you know, I just felt so grateful. 

[00:17:37] It was just like, thank you for saying that. Thank you for calling that out. So, I know it's not my imagination. I know I'm not being oversensitive, right? I know what I'm dealing with. You get what I'm saying? It's like, I'm here. I'm engaging in this so-called in this arena, with consciousness, with mindfulness, right? But I need to know what's exactly going on so I can calibrate, when I need to withdraw, where my boundaries need to shift, whether I'm still within my capacity, or whether I need to just acknowledge that it's already beyond me and I need to stop or draw back.

[00:18:15] All this requires truth. We need to have a good assessment of the truth and having that objective third party that we can trust, who also understands what we're trying to do. So, it's very helpful. It's helpful when that third party in a sense, stands is on the same page as you, they understand this tension that you're trying to navigate, right? That would be very helpful. So, that's the second reminder. Have that trustworthy third party. 

[00:18:43] Okay, the third reminder is a very simple and short one. Actually, it's a very basic point, but it's this. Please remember, and we all need to remember, self-abandonment is not love, okay? self-abandonment, I mean, you know, when you just cave and give in to the dynamics. When it comes to family, this often happens. Remember that when it comes to family of origin wounds, and when we talk about dysfunctions that are in the family, we have been conditioned since we were babies into it. So, the dynamics that we slipped into that we learned when we were very young to cope and survive, even as we become aware of it, we will often unconsciously or without realizing slip back into it.

[00:19:35] And for many of us, it may be just to just give up and abandon my own needs and just people please or fawn, for example. At least for those of us for whom that's the trauma response, remember the self-abandonment is not love. Self-abandonment is actually self-harm and it doesn't help us grow in our actual genuine capacity to love freely and authentically. We need to remember there's a very big difference between appearing to be loving by giving other people what they want to see because they call that love and what actually is love.

[00:20:14] That's a big question we need to wrestle with throughout our journey and pray over and ask for grace and light to be enlightened, right? But one thing that's very clear. Completely neglecting our legitimate needs, allowing our freedom, our dignity, in a sense, to be trampled on without any attempt to honour the self that God has given us, that is self-harm. Okay, so self-abandonment is not love. That's the third reminder. 

[00:20:42] The fourth reminder is also an important one for myself. Do not try to measure up to an imagined ideal. Okay, don't try to measure up to an imagined idea. What I mean is sometimes when we think about, oh love the enemy, we're called to love our enemy, we usually have some idea of what that looks like and usually it's very extreme. Very extreme in the sense of because the stories that we often hear about loving the enemy, you know, like forgiving someone who has for example, killed somebody that we love, you know? These are some of the stories that we hear maybe stories of saints and all that.

[00:21:17] They are very heroic - that's like heroic virtue, right? That's like a very high ideal. When we have an imagined ideal of what that should look like, we fail to be present to where we are. Look, stories and all that to inspire us, you know, they're well and good. But stories can only give us snapshots, and often they give a snapshot of something, of someone at a very mature stage of their growth.

[00:21:48] You and I, we're all works in progress, right? So, loving the enemy, so to speak, especially if it's in a context of family, it will look very different from one day to the next. It will look very different from one stage of healing to the next, from one season of life, depending on the context and what's going on, to the next season.

[00:22:09] Loving the enemy will also look and feel very different as we grow in our capacity, right, and what are the boundaries that are necessary for us. They shift, maybe they can become more adaptable and even then, it's not linear. So, we need to let go of kind of like holding on to some idealized notion of what successfully loving the enemy or honouring a difficult parent or loving and forgiving a family member that has really harmed us or continues to harm us, what that should look like.

[00:22:43] That is unnecessary weight. It doesn't help us to see where God is meeting us, which is always where we are. An example that - well, a story that came to mind that I found very helpful was I was at this talk some years back where Monty Williams, a Jesuit priest that I sometimes share about on my Instagram. He had given a talk and during a Q& A, someone asked or someone shared, he said, you know, Father Monty, I feel like this is family member, I can never forgive. Like I have been hurt so badly by this person. I can never forgive him. And Monty said something that I never forgot because it's so beautiful.

[00:23:28] He said, don't say never say I can't forgive him. Because that's true. At this moment, today, I can't forgive him. And Monty says, you know, forgiveness is God's business. Ultimately, we, on our own strength and love, can't forgive. It's only God. God forgives, and when He gives us that grace to share in his forgiveness, we're able to forgive, right?

[00:23:53] So, one, don't force yourself and don't pretend that, you know, you need to do something that you actually are not able to. So, be honest, and the honest truth is, at that point for this person, I can't forgive. And maybe tomorrow you wake up and you go, I still can't forgive this person. He said, but don't say I can never forgive because he said, when you say never, it's like you're closing the door to hope you are forgetting, or you're like you're closing your heart to the possibility that God can do all things and that grace may come.

[00:24:26] And when that grace comes, if you close your heart to it, you may not be able to respond to it, right? But we need to be real about where we currently are. So, don't try to measure up to an imagined ideal be present to where we are at this moment and know that God is meeting us there and bringing us to the next step. Okay, so not measuring up to an imagined ideal. 

[00:24:52] The fifth reminder is, of course, actually the most essential. We need to ground ourselves in God's infinite, unconditional, limitless mercy and love. In this process, in order for us to even be able to allow ourselves to just be where we are, not at some idealized notion, idealized notion of heroic virtue, right, but allow ourselves to be where we are.

[00:25:16] We can only do that, we can only allow ourselves to be where we are when we ground ourselves in God's love that covers everything, covers all our lack, that encompasses and holds and doesn't change regardless of how well we're doing or how poorly we're doing at loving. You know, it's like, it is God's love, this God's love that's more than enough that gives us the confidence and the security to wait.

[00:25:52] And to know that sometimes, I may be able to have more capacity and sometimes I have to retreat and lick my wounds and stay away and maybe draw harder boundaries. All of that is okay. It's okay because, you know what? God's love is all around us and it doesn't just surround me, it surrounds the person that's harming me, the person that I'm finding difficult to love. God's love that surrounds me, that I can ground myself in also enables me to be able to say, yes, I also hurt the other person because I can't, I'm not able to love perfectly and that's okay. See, being grounded in God's love helps us to not be defensive about how we have hurt the other two. When we are not secure in God's love for us, we often become blind to our own shortcomings.

[00:26:52] We only see how the other party hurts and harms us, right? That's not the full truth. So, when we can ground ourself in the security of God's love for us, we find that we are not threatened by our own lack, and we are also very clear eyed about the harm that is coming or happening to us, and maybe the harm that we are inflicting on others.

[00:27:17] We don't need to force ourselves to do anything we're not ready to. Okay, so, the grounding in God's love is the fifth reminder. Okay, so that we know no matter how poorly we may seem to do in our own eyes or in the eyes of others. I mean, that's a very challenging thing, right? We may realize already that this is the best that we can do and that actually it's okay, but it may not be okay to other people.

[00:27:43] We may have other family members or relatives that would judge us according to maybe the cultural standards that hold all of us, right? And that may be part of the dysfunctional pattern that we've inherited. And we will have to deal with that burden, how others may see us, or how even the part of us that may judge ourselves as being unloving a bad Christian, or you know, a bad family member, spouse, daughter, sibling, whatever it is.

[00:28:12] When we are grounded in God's love, we can be at peace in a sense, allowing these other parts of us or other people. So, having those opinions, you know, we can allow for that to happen without us changing our course, right? So, we still maintain our interior freedom to act as we need to act, as we choose to act.

[00:28:38] The sixth and final reminder that I wanted to share for this Live is so important also. God sees your hidden suffering even if nobody else does. God sees your hidden suffering even if nobody else does. The thing about toxic families that's so painful is it's often very hidden. It's often very invisible, right? Especially if it's emotional kind of wounds that's happening and not physical, people can't see it. So, many people who are actually very highly functional on the outside, who are doing very well, coping very well at work, you know, come across as very confident, they could be victims of emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse.

[00:29:30] And when you are in this arena, as I call it, and it's a very lonely place to be, right? Because only God, sometimes you can feel, only God sees how much you're trying. It's easy for other people to just judge on the actions that they see or not see, and they have their own opinions about what is right and what is not right.

[00:29:51] What is most difficult for me, at least, is when the person that I'm relating to, who is the one that actually also harms me, I'm trying to love, when they judge me, like they can't see my pain, that is so painful, right? When you're talking about a family member that accuses you of things and then cannot see your pain, as they're inflicting pain on you.

[00:30:22] And then saying that you're not strong or that you're not following Christ enough. I don't know whether this is something that's familiar to some of you. I've heard of this kind of thing happening definitely in more than a few people's lives, okay? That's another one of the very tricky things for those of us who are in religious families. The issues are kind of all intertwined somehow, religion and spirituality. It's also get tied into the dysfunctional emotional dynamics and all that.

[00:30:52] So, to live this tension is really very challenging, right? So, I just want us all to remember, I want us to remember, when you feel like no one can see your pain, when you feel like no one can understand your suffering, and it's just too tiring to even sometimes try and talk about it to anyone, you're not alone.

[00:31:18] God really does see that suffering, that hidden pain, and He mourns with us and He honours us for the cross that we bear, the cross that we bear. Personally, there's something that's always very hurtful for me is when I'm told that I'm not carrying my cross, I'm judged as not carrying my cross, as trying to shirk anything that's difficult and painful.

[00:31:49] By the very person who is my cross, or who is a big contributor to the cross, to my cross that I'm carrying. And there are times when, you know, it's tempting to feel like, what's the point even in trying? And so, that's a good question, that's a good question because it always helps me to purify my motive.

[00:32:09] Am I engaging or am I doing this because I truly freely want to or because I really feel obligated to and it's my duty to do so or else I'm not a good dot-dot-dot, not a good woman, not a good child, not a good, you know, a Catholic, whatever it is. In this process of healing and discipleship, I think it's always about what can I freely choose to do? What can I do that honours where I am, and also honours my desire to be a disciple.

[00:32:48] DEALING WITH THE IMPACTS OF SETTING BOUNDARIES
Okay, I see a question come in. Okay, so, the question is; sometimes our boundary setting feels like it is causing abuse or pain upon the other family members. I get that our goal is to protect ourselves, but the greatest fear of mine is making things harder for other people if I spend too much time licking my wounds. Any suggestions?

[00:33:09] Thank you. Okay, so, sometimes our boundary setting feels like it's causing abuse or pain upon the other family members. Yes. And I want to say in the fallen reality that we are in, that's often true. So, that's where the reminders that I said earlier, you know, are important. Don't try to measure up to an imagined ideal.

[00:33:27] Can you accept that you are hurting others too? That in this, that there's no perfect solution to this. Okay, there really is no scenario where some response that you can give will not hurt anyone in the family. When we are talking about already a dysfunctional family system, a toxic family system, there are so many layers and levels of even perception that we're talking about, right? Things can be so warped that no matter what you say or what you do or how much you try, the other person thinks the worst of you. And they're going to be hurt, whether you are actually trying to hurt them or not. Even when you're actually trying to be loving, even when you're stepping forward to try to be loving, and it's not when you're licking your wounds, for example, they could be hurt.

[00:34:11] And they could be harmed you know, that's one of the realities that we need to be able to let God hold in the totality of His infinite love that is outside of our control. We have to be very clear what's within our agency. So, what's within your agency would be, is what you're doing, is it coming from a place of freedom, or is it coming from a place of fear?

[00:34:41] If, for example, your fear of hurting others, or so-called abusing others, makes you abandon yourself when you actually meet the boundary, ask yourself, is that really love? Are you loving the person? Or are you just trying to make yourself feel like you're doing the right thing?

[00:35:05] What makes us any different from our abusers then? I think that's the hardest part to sit with. Well, one is, are you aware? Are you aware of what you're doing? A lot of times, when the abusers that we're talking about are not aware of what they're doing, even when we try and share with them what's actually happening to us, or how we experience what they're doing to us, often, when we're talking about recalcitrant abusers - okay, it's very different. It's not an enemy. We don't have to talk about enmity if we're just talking about people hurting one another.

[00:35:35] People hurt one another all the time. But if we are aware and we're willing to repair, we're willing to acknowledge where we're lacking, if we can give one another grace, that's not enmity. When we're talking about enmity, we're talking about when there is, in a sense, recalcitrance, right? When at least one party just refuses to see or cannot see, however you want to say it. And so, they don't see anything wrong with them. They see everything that's wrong with you. They can't see your pain.

[00:36:04] A lot of times, the victims of the abuse actually have empathy for the abuser. We actually can see that they're suffering and that makes us feel bad too, right? But oftentimes the abuser can't see our pain. They just can't. They can't see it. They can't see the pain that they inflict. I hope you see that difference there.

[00:36:26] At least in, when I say there's toxic dynamics, there's still very toxic, that's often the case. Again, when it's just a matter of people hurting one another because we're imperfect and willing to acknowledge the harm that we're causing one another and to give each other the grace and the space that's needed to grow, that's not enmity.

[00:36:45] That's actually a pretty healthy dynamic. I mean even in healthy emotionally healthy dynamics, there will be conflict Does that make sense? Please let me know if you know that makes sense or if you want to clarify go ahead and make another comment. 

[00:36:58] The kind of dynamics that I’m talking about is where like, on our part, we can't control what other people do, right. But on our part, it can feel like we're already doing everything we can to remain in that relationship, but also protect ourself. Yeah, as in that we've learned to value ourself and not just allow ourself to be used. So, in toxic dynamics or abusive dynamics, and it could be a systemic thing, right? Especially if this is intergenerational. 

[00:37:27] Let's say if this is something that we are experiencing from our parents, that could be because that was what they experienced from their parents, and then their parents from their parents, and it was the norm, and it's not seen as problematic. That's why we, even the church talks about the need to redeem culture, right? Culture still needs to be redeemed. How can we see what is it needs to be redeemed? Only the light of Christ can show that to us really, you know, in the concrete. 

[00:37:55] Right, so, it's the kind of challenge where, you know, you're dealing with maybe people that can't change. So, it's in a sense, I mean, they may change at some point, maybe by the grace of God, supernaturally one day. But realistically speaking, you know, we have realized that we can't expect them to change.

[00:38:17] And the question is, how can I love this person? If this person doesn't change, what would love look like in this scenario? When every time I'm in contact with them or with this person or with my family, I come out bruised and battered, emotionally, spiritually. That's a very legitimate question, right? And that's the kind of situation we're talking about.

[00:38:44] Those of us who still choose to engage, in the sense we are not giving up totally, we need to constantly ask ourselves. and I just want to say, remember that one of the reminders there was that because we shouldn't measure ourselves against an ideal, and that can look very different from day to day. That can look very different from one stage of our healing to the next stage. Yeah.

[00:39:06] There is really something supernatural also in terms of supernatural grace that holds all of this, but I just want to repeat again. Like I said at the very beginning, grace does not destroy nature, right? Grace perfects nature and can help us transcend, go beyond our nature. We are meant not to just give up trying to honour the self that God has given us, to honour the body that is God's temple. When we learn that we are being harmed, we're not meant to just play dead and or let the abuse continue to happen. It's both end, right? It's both end. And that's what makes this difficult. Usually, it may feel easier if we can relieve the tension by just choosing one or the other.

[00:39:55] But it's a process. It looks different at different points. It is imperfect. We are not God. We will make mistakes. We will harm people along the way. That's allowed. As in like, allowed in the sense that, you know, we can't, we're not God. And I think that that is such an important part of it to ground ourselves in that love that covers and holds all of this beyond what we can see and what we can accomplish on our own.

[00:40:32] Are there any more questions? This is a deep and heavy, very important topic to those of us who live in this reality. And I really, I really, really hope that the reminders that I shared in this life will help those of you who know what I'm talking about firsthand and to have hope. Sometimes, a lot of times, I think, especially when it gets very intense, we really can just do things or see things kind of like one step at a time, one day at a time.

[00:41:11] As I wrap up, I'll just remind you what the six reminders are, right? When the enemy you're trying to love is family, when you're trying to integrate, honouring yourself, healing, going on this healing process as a survivor of complex trauma. And at the same time, wanting to follow Christ and love, but love while honouring your need and loving somebody who may be harming you.

[00:41:38] The six gentle reminders I shared today was the first one to acknowledge the enmity, call a spade a spade. Acknowledge that when you engage with this person, or with family, you are entering a space where you are going to be harmed - likely going to be harmed. 

[00:41:50] So, gird your loins, okay? Be mindful of that. Prepare yourself, resource yourself before any planned interaction because there may be unplanned interactions where it already happens. But when you know, for example that you're going to meet with that person or said family, gird your loins, acknowledge the enmity, first point.

[00:42:13] Second point was to have trustworthy third party. You know, a trustworthy or at least one trustworthy third party in your life, whether it's a friend, a spouse, spiritual director, or your counsellor or therapist who can have objective eyes to call out the toxicity and the abuse that you experience in your interactions with your family.

[00:42:39] Because for those of us, our own families, usually we can't really see as clearly. Even as we become more mindful, when we get caught up in the dynamics, it's very easy to just lose sight. And it helps so much to have someone else validate and remind us that what had happened or what we are experiencing is manipulative, is abusive, is toxic. That helps us to have clear mindedness, right? If we want to engage as to what the situation actually is, and whether we need to withdraw, whether we have the capacity to continue or withdraw, for example. So, trustworthy third party.

[00:43:19] Thirdly, remember that self-abandonment is not love. Self-abandonment is self-harm and it does not help us grow in capacity to actually love authentically. Four, do not try and measure up to an imagined ideal of what love should look like or what loving the enemy should look like. We need to be present to where we are and wherever we are is enough. God meets us where we are and love looks different from day to day depending on our capacity, depending on the situation, love can look different depending on the stage of healing we're in or the season of life that we're in, okay.

[00:43:57] Five, ground ourselves in God's infinite an unconditional love that covers everything. Only by grounding ourself in this love can we have the freedom to act according to what we know is necessary, even when it is so called less than perfect, even if we're being judged and criticized by others or by our own inner parts.

[00:44:21] And sixth, remember that God sees your hidden suffering and your pain, even when nobody else seems to be able to see it, he acknowledges it, He sees it, He honours it, He mourns with you, and He walks with you.

[00:44:41] Okay, so, that's it for today's Live. Rather sombre topic, but I hope it encourages those of you who are walking this way of the cross, this particular way of the cross. God bless, and until the next Live. Bye.

[00:45:02] CONCLUSION
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