Recovering From People-Pleasing and Insecure Attachment With God

EPISODE 114 | RECOVERING FROOM PEOPLE-PLEASING AND INSECURE ATTACHMENT WITH GOD

The root of people-pleasing is we don't know who we are, we don't feel like we have any worth unless we please somebody. Okay, now, when we map this to our relationship with God, it's very tricky. It's tricky. So many of us who have not healed from the wounds at the root of people-pleasing, we read things. But they are true in a specific context. And if we don't understand the context, this can be very damaging for us, recovering people-pleasers. 

[00:00:33] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:10] Hello friend. Welcome. Welcome all who may be popping in to this Live and remember responses, comments, and questions are very, very welcome because this is a topic that is I think relevant for so many of us.

[00:01:21] THE CONNECTION BETWEEN PEOPLE-PLEASING AND PLEASING GOD
Okay, so, about recovering people-pleasers, or people healing from people-pleasing, how does this apply, or how does this connect with trying to please God?

[00:01:35] Okay, so, I asked this person also, what context or what might have triggered this question. Okay, so, I was talking about what we often hear is that it's not okay to please people, but you know, it's absolutely important for us to try and please God. 

[00:01:51] So, this is a page taken from a book by Father Jacques Philippe. It's called Time for God. Okay, and I'm just going to read out this paragraph because it talks about purity of intention and it's referring to when Jesus tells us about how blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God, right? And in gospel terms, Father Jacques Philippe writes, "In gospel terms, the pure in heart are not people without sin who never have anything to reproach themselves for, but those who are inspired in all they do by a sincere intention of forgetting themselves in order to please God. Living not for themselves, but for Him. This is an indispensable condition for mental prayer. We pray not to find self-fulfilment or self-satisfaction, but to please God. Without that, we will not be able to persevere". Right, so, we pray not to find self-fulfilment or self-satisfaction, but to please God. 

[00:02:56] So, this was the page that my friend was reading. And I thought what was beautiful was she said that she felt it was difficult to read that page and then she decided to take a pause and kind of sit with herself and ask the question why. Why was it difficult for her to read that?

[00:03:16] And she realized it was because she is healing from people-pleasing, from the tendency to people please. And you see, there's a dynamic here, okay, that is actually very similar. 

[00:03:28] THE ROOT CAUSE OF PEOPLE-PLEASING
For people-pleasers, when people-pleaser who hasn't healed from the roots of people-pleasing - so, why is it that we people please?

[00:03:36] Why is it that we are so, we are held hostage by what people think of us? Why is it that we often want people to think well of us? Okay, so, I'm a recovering people-pleaser. I've shared that plenty of times. It's because we don't have a secure sense of self, right? We don't believe that we have value, that we are lovable.

[00:03:53] We don't, we can't even see our dignity unless it's reflected in how somebody else maybe treat us or how they think about us, what they may say about us, say to us, how they affirm us. So, people-pleasing in itself is just a symptom. Right, the root of people-pleasing is often that we are not securely attached to God or to ourselves.

[00:04:19] Okay, so, the root of people-pleasing is we don't know who we are, we don't feel like we have any worth unless we please somebody. Okay, now, when we map this to our relationship with God, it's very tricky. It's tricky. And this is why I love this question so much because so many of us who have not healed from the wounds at the root of people-pleasing, we read these things, we read books like this, right? They are true, okay? But they are true in a specific context. And if we don't understand the context, this can be very damaging for us, recovering people-pleasers.

[00:05:00] So, when we read something like what Jacques Philippe wrote in that book, we think, okay, so, I can't get that affirmation from people, I shouldn't, right? But I should live purely for God and base my, I guess in a sense, you know, like everything - not even base. It says that it's like I should just be living not for my self-fulfilment, but for God.

[00:05:21] Okay, if I am still someone struggling to have any sense of worth, innate worth about myself, if I still do not know who I am, if I do not, in that sense, possess the life that God has given me, okay, because if I am somebody who is still struggling with self-esteem, who can't feel or believe that I have any worth, unless somebody thinks well of me, then I would be thinking that I need to live for God and not for myself.

[00:05:54] I need to lay down my life. I've said this before in other places, in other Lives and, you know, podcasts. That it's like before I know who I am, before I even know what is this life that God has given me, I'm trying to lay it down. What am I laying down? I have no idea. But I'll be laying down, most probably, out of a place of insecurity, out of a place of fear.

[00:06:20] Yeah? So, this is again, in the context of, we're talking about recovering people-pleasers, right? 

[00:06:24] THE IMPORTANCE OF SECURE ATTACHMENT
So, people who already are insecure in our core, and when we come to God, and we say, I can only live for God and not for myself, it's coming from an empty place. Not empty in a good sense, it's coming from a hollow place.

[00:06:39] Which means then, that inadvertently - so, people-pleasers I think are often ambivalently attached, anxious, okay? So, there's a technical term, right, in terms of insecure attachment styles. There are those that they are more kind of like independent, you know, they draw really hard boundaries, but there's another kind that they're ambivalently attached, often a little needy, like we need to keep checking in that this relationship is okay.

[00:07:06] Right, at least speaking for myself, that's me, right? So, when I switch to, okay, I shouldn't be bothered about what people think of me, but you know what? I'm really bothered about what God thinks of me. When I try to please God from an insecure base where I am not securely attached to myself or to Him, this becomes a very dangerous game of feeling that you know, God will not be pleased with me unless I meet certain criteria, unless I do the right things, unless I'm good. And we know that's not our faith at all, that's not the gospel at all.

[00:07:42] God's love and grace is freely given, especially to sinners, right? Especially to the ill. Jesus says, I come not for the healthy, I come for the sick. The sinners don't need a saviour, you know, a redemption. It is sinners. So, how can we reconcile that if we believe that we must please God? And that's all we can understand that I must live for God and not for myself.

[00:08:05] So the moment I find myself desiring my own happiness, the moment I find myself needing some solace and comfort for God, we judge ourselves, right? I mean, for those of us for whom discipleship is important, those of us for whom we want to be in a good relationship with God. If we enter this relationship still on that insecure base, this is what's going to happen.

[00:08:27] We will judge ourselves, criticize ourselves. We will be afraid to present our true selves before God when we can't say that I live only for God alone. 

[00:08:40] THE JOURNEY TOWARDS SECURE ATTACHEMENT WITH GOD
And the irony there, the paradox there, is that if that is what is happening, then we can never reach that point where we can in a very healthy, secure, and free sense, truly mean it and truly do it, that I live for God alone.

[00:08:57] Okay, so, we can say that maybe in some sense, that's the Holy Grail. We wish to all grow in love for God so much that we love God not for his consolations. We love God not for what He can do for us, what He can give us. We want to be able to love God for God. But that is like an IV. I've given this example before, that's like watching the Olympics and seeing those amazing athletes perform these superhuman feats and thinking that's what I'm supposed to do.

[00:09:26] And we haven't had the basic training. We haven't had all the years of gradual, you know, strengthening and development and coaching and nutrition and physiotherapy and massages and what else goes into elite sports, right? Of course, that's assuming we have the talent as well, maybe. Right, but it's like even if we had the talent and we don't go put ourselves through the paces and reach that point of maturity, we're going to severely hurt ourselves if we try to imitate the feats of let's say, the athletes. 

[00:10:00] Right, and I've used another example about how when I was young, I loved watching the ballerinas in a professional ballet and you know, and it looks so effortless. But we know how much work, labour, sweat, tears, blood, and injury goes into a ballerina on stage being able to perform all those stunts.

[00:10:21] The same goes for the spiritual life. And the danger sometimes, that we are not aware of, is when we aspire to be like the saints, when we read these books that are truly, actually, they're true and they're beautiful and they're good, but they don't often, they usually don't come with, with like a caveat.

[00:10:40] That, you know, but my friend, dear reader, you need to know where you are right now. You need to know the situation, the condition that you are in, and know that God meets you exactly where you are and doesn't expect you to be more mature, more loving, more free, whatever it is, than you are right now. One of the foundational principles of the spiritual life is to be where we are and to encounter God exactly where we are.

[00:11:09] THE GRACE OF HUMILITY
It takes actually, humility to be able to do so. And humility is not something that we can force either. What gives us the humility to be willing to be where we are, in a sense to wait for the grace that God gives us to continue to move forward in spiritual maturity and emotional maturity?

[00:11:29] It comes from secure attachment, right? So, we are back to that, we said that the pattern of people-pleasing comes from insecure attachment, when we do not know what it's like that we are loved for who we are, regardless of whether we are good or bad, naughty or good, whether we are achieving or we've lapsed in some sense, or we've fallen and we've failed. That relationship with God, we must first experience that kind of relationship with God.

[00:12:03] Then, when we seek to please Him, if it comes from a secure base, then when we seek to please God, it is not so that we will feel security. It wouldn't be because we are afraid that if we are not pleasing to God, that, then we don't know who we are. It will be because in the overflow of the of knowing that I am loved by God - because think about it.

[00:12:31] How can we have love that doesn't first come from God? It's in the scripture itself, right? In the first letter of Saint John. We love because He loves us first. That's not just a saying, it has to be lived. We have no love to offer unless we first receive that love. And if that love builds on a secure base, we learn how to become securely attached to God, then in the abundance of God's love for us, we can love Him.

[00:12:57] And then we seek to please Him, we live for Him. You know why we live for Him? Because He lives for us. God lives for us. I mean, He came, He became man, He became human for us, right? He died for us. It's a love story. It's a love relationship. It's not a transactional one. It's not one where we are a slave and He's the master and, you know, we can only live for Him because our life has no worth or value. And it's all about God.

[00:13:25] So, many of us fall into that trap. And then we wonder why we are tired and resentful and fearful and so self-righteous when we think we are able to live rightly and so judgmental of others when they can't. That doesn't come from an overflow of love. When our giving of our life, when our laying down of our life, when our seeking to please God comes from a place of abundance, because, because, in a sense, we know God is pleased with us before we even act.

[00:13:59] We know God is pleased with us just for us being us. He is pleased with us because He created us, okay? And no matter how naughty or bad we are in the deeper existential sense, He is still there, loving us. And in that deeper existential sense, He will not stop being pleased and delighted by our existence, by our life, because He is love itself, right?

[00:14:29] All this is, sometimes we can be familiar with the concepts, but to live it, to experience it, to feel it in your body, you know? You know you're healing when these stop becoming just concepts and you have a deeper confidence that even though you're not perfect, even though maybe right now you're struggling to do things that you think are so God pleasing to God, He loves you.

[00:14:52] He doesn't withdraw His love from you. He doesn't give you the silent treatment. He doesn't give, He doesn't get passive aggressive with you. I mean, these are all things that we usually experience in our human relationships, right? In our families, maybe with our parents, with the significant ones.

[00:15:07] So, we instinctively, usually, subconsciously, maybe, are afraid that that's how God will treat us. That if we don't please Him, He will do all that. Right, be passive aggressive with us, give us a silent treatment. But that is not the case. So, when we have that secure base, then our desire to please God comes from a place of freedom and not anxiety. It comes from a place of joy, of peace.

[00:15:35] And so, I would say, you know, to address that question, how would a people-pleaser or recovering people-pleaser learn to please God in the way that Jacques Philippe wrote about in that page on the book, in Time for God.

[00:15:48] I would say what's not contained, usually, in books of spirituality, are this other dimension of emotional development, human healing, right? Relationship. What is a secure relationship? What's the nature of a secure relationship with anyone? Whether it's with other people, with God, or with ourselves.

[00:16:07] THE IMPORTANCE OF INTERIOR INTEGRATION
And that's why interior integration is so important. And I just want to say, the fact that you, you know, the person who asked this question, could pause when reading that page was difficult and, you know, be with yourself and kind of check in, why is this hard for me to read? You recognize that it's touching a wound.

[00:16:30] The wound that makes you insecure. And you don't want, I know you don't want that kind of relationship with God. You don't want that kind of relationship with God that you had with other people, significant people in your life for so long. You don't want to fear Him. You don't want to please Him just so that He won't criticize you, so that He won't judge you, right?

[00:16:48] That's why it's hard for you to read, I would guess. I don't know - that would be my supposition. I shouldn't presume too much, but I'm speaking as from my own lived experience. That's often the case. That's why I don't want that kind of relationship with God. I really want a loving, secure relationship with God. And I want, one day, to be free to love God not just for what He can do for me, but for Himself.

[00:17:14] I want to be able to, one day be able to love God even when I feel like He's not there for me. But I'm not there yet. I'm not there yet. And to worry about where I'm not yet, to worry about not being able to do - where I'm not yet, that's losing the, in the spiritual warfare kind of a thing. That would be like the first thing that the evil spirit would try to do with us, usually in this sense steal our joy, to steal our hope, and to make us anxious.

[00:17:41] So, I think part of this, the beauty of interior integration is we just need to be present to where we are. Yeah. Yes. You say yes, spot on. So, I'm glad I managed to speak to the experience, your experience as well on this.

[00:17:57] Yeah, so I think, yeah, I think that would, I'll say that would be my response. Any follow-up question about this, about people-pleasing and pleasing God and really what to watch out for if you are a recovering people-pleaser. To be careful not to fall into the trap of then trying to please God to earn your worth, right? We can get so hurt and, you know, that's something that I think a lot of us, we don't realize and people don't tell us.

[00:18:28] I mean, it's not something that is easily available, right? Like, we can learn about people-pleasing, usually that's maybe more on the human formation side, and then we know on the spiritual side we're supposed to please God. But how do we please God in a way that comes from secure attachment? Hmm, that's harder to find resources on.

[00:18:46] So, I'm so glad that you asked this question and that, you know, we can bring this into conversation and dialogue. Okay, so, if that's good enough, for you right now, thank you so much for asking the question. I hope the rest of you who are watching this on replay find this helpful. 

[00:19:03] EMBRACING THE JOURNEY
And if you have any follow up question or any other related questions, or even if it's not related to this, send me a dm. I'll be very happy to respond to it in another Live.

[00:19:12] Oh, okay, I just saw the comment come in: Thank you! You realize that integration is so important and appreciate it when you said God meets us where we are at and it requires a lot of humility to enter there. 

[00:19:25] Yes, you're welcome. And remember also what I said that yes, it requires a lot of humility to enter there but we also don't will ourselves to be humble enough to do that, that humility is itself, a fruit of being securely loved, okay?

[00:19:41] So, it's like when you feel more secure in your love, like in God's love for you, you'll find that it's not that difficult or at least it becomes a lot easier to be where you are because that's where He is. God is not running ahead of you. God is right where you are, loving you every moment, co-creating you, co-creating with you, your life, you know, at every moment.

[00:20:03] So, when we realize that's where He is, He's not ahead of us, He's not in some future, more ideal state of us. He's not loving the future more ideal state of us. He is loving us. This version of us right now, the one that's struggling, the one that's still in progress, the one that can't love God totally and live totally for God alone, who still needs God's consolation and still need God's graces and all that.

[00:20:28] I mean, we will never stop needing His grace, actually, right? But then we know it's safe to be where we are and God delights in us being where we are. And there's nothing wrong with that and then we will find that we are able to be there and then we realize, oh now we have that humility that we didn't have before. Yeah, so, that's how beautiful this process actually can be. Isn't it wonderful when we know where the heart is, what the core that we need to pay attention to is and why the process of integration can bring us where we want to go.

[00:21:01] So, thank you so much for your question and your engagement. Keep your questions coming. They're very good. Thank you and bye! 

[00:21:12] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

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