Slowing Down Is About Freedom

EPISODE 87 | SLOWING DOWN IS ABOUT FREEDOM

When we are living on the surface, everything happens at warp speed, okay? Really, really fast. And we don't have time to ponder, to connect, to respond to one another. So, we don't realize when the person we're interacting is acting out of his or her false self, a persona. And we don't often realize when we are acting out of a persona.

But when you become more attuned to your real self, you will find that you can tell when other people are not really interacting with you as their true self. 

[00:00:32] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:09] Good morning and today is day 12 of my 30-day IG challenge. And today, I'd like to talk about slowing down. Now, I think that many of us have thought about slowing down, maybe think that we need to slow down, maybe even feel like I have to slow down. But one, we may really struggle to do so. And two, I think we may really miss out the deeper reason, the more important reason really, of why it is that we should slow down.

[00:01:49] So, integration and authenticity, now these things are not going to happen until we slow down. And why is that? It's because slowing down is about becoming free. And if you followed me for any amount of time, listen to my podcast, followed my content, you'll know that I keep repeating this message, right?

[00:02:16] That the interior journey of becoming more integrated and more authentic is ultimately the journey into becoming more free. Free to be who we are, free to live the life that we were created to live, free to love and be loved. Okay, this freedom does not mean a complete absence of pain, of suffering. No. Actually, I think the greatest thing about freedom is that we find we are able to be all these things that I mentioned above, that we are free to be ourselves, free to live the life we're created to live, free to love and be loved, even in the midst of pain and suffering and trials, all right? That is true freedom.

[00:03:08] And that's why we're interested in the interior journey because without integration, without becoming more confident in who we are, grounded in who we are, in a very eternal and unchanging kind of way, we will not have the resilience and the confidence and the clarity really to live free.

[00:03:32] SLOWING DOWN
Now, I want to say something that most people don't realize is that actual speed is not really the problem. Okay, it's not so much about how quickly you're moving or how many things you're getting done in a day. Because we often think of that as speed, right? It is not the problem of the actual speed per se.

[00:03:55] Actually, the problem is compression. It's a lack of space. Okay, when there's a lack of space in our soul, we are just really, really reactive. And when we're very reactive, we live unintentionally. We're actually slaves when we are reactive all the time because we don't have that space to choose. Now, there is a quote that I'm going to bring up here, and I'm pretty sure that it's familiar to many of you.

[00:04:26] Okay, so, it's a quote by Viktor Frankl, who was a Holocaust survivor, and he has said this before, that between stimulus and response, there is a space - right, space. In that space, is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. So, space, response, freedom. We usually live from stimulus to stimulus, and stimulus to reaction - and stimulus to reaction. Okay, there is no space within us. When there is no space within us, we don't have the power to choose our response. Right, which is why we are always reactive, and because we are always reactive, we do not grow, and we remain enslaved. We are not free.

[00:05:22] So, in order to be free, we need to experience and exercise our power to choose our response. And in order to have that power to choose and exercise our ability to choose our response, there has to be space. Okay. I'm going to bring up another quote, maybe less familiar to some of you, but this quote originated, apparently - I was Googling this from the US Navy Seals, right?

[00:05:55] So, they do like special ops kind of thing, or military operations. But this saying has been applied in many other contexts. And the saying is slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Think about it. Slow is smooth and when you're smooth, you're fast. So, what's this saying about? Well, I think we all have that experience when we are frenzied, when we are in a hurry to respond quickly, when we are reactive, we often end up making mistakes.

[00:06:29] We don't take the time to think things through. We don't take the time to maybe be more present and more intentional about what we're doing. So, that usually the more hurried we are, the more hasty we are, the more mistakes we make. And then we have to take time to correct the mistakes.

[00:06:48] And ultimately it can really slow us down. We may actually take a longer time, a longer time to do what we set out to do than if we had just taken the time to go slow intentionally, right? And then we'll find that operations can be smoother. And when the operations are smooth, we end up doing things or accomplishing our objectives faster.

[00:07:11] Alright, so these two quotes, right - slow is smooth and smooth is fast. And Viktor Frankl's quote on how we need to have space in order to exercise our power to choose a response. And only then can we grow and can we have our freedom.

[00:07:30] So, here's what I see often happen, okay, in my own life and in the life of so many people. There is a lot of good intent and a lot of maybe, in conceptual understanding, of what we need to do to be better people, to be more loving. We have a lot of good intentions. I mean, a lot of my experiences come from volunteer work or ministry in church, right?

[00:07:59] And you'd think that it being in a religious space and it being church, that politics wouldn't be an issue, resentment and all kinds of usual human problems would not be an issue. But I think any of you who are involved in church and active in communities or ministries in church would know that that's really not true, that it follows us, right? It follows us.

[00:08:26] That oftentimes, even in the midst of doing good; whether it's in our families, in our communities, or even at work, in our attempts to do good, we end up missing the point, not seeing the person in front of us, causing more harm than good. And when we damage relationships, when we start treating other people as means to an end, because we feel like we're in a rush, we're always in a rush to get things done, we don't have time to really see what's in front of us, see the person in front of us, we don't even have time to see ourselves.

[00:09:03] So, when we can't see ourselves, we can't see other people. You know what happens? Miscommunication happens all the time, right? So much more effort is put in and so much extra effort has to be exerted to smooth things over when misunderstandings happen, when miscommunications happen.

[00:09:22] The same things need to be said over and over again. Even written communications maybe can be completely missed out, not replied. So much more friction happens when we don't slow down. This is true of interpersonal relationships. And this is also really true of our own interior life, right?

[00:09:43] It is not how fast we move or how slow we move even, but the quality of the energy and the presence that we embody. When it comes to the interior journey of integration and authenticity, how do you know you're in the presence of somebody who is authentic and who is grounded? He or she could be a highly effective person who gets many things done in a day, but their presence is usually one of restfulness, intentionality, and they are real. They are not living out of their personas.

[00:10:17] Now, when we are not yet making this interior journey ourselves, we tend to not really be sensitive to people's personas because we are also living at the surface. Remember the three layers of living, right?

[00:10:34] When we are living on the surface, everything happens at warp speed, okay? Really, really fast. And we don't have time to ponder, to connect, to respond to one another. So, we don't realize when the person we're interacting is acting out of his or her false self, a persona. And we don't often realize when we are acting out of a persona.

[00:10:53] But when you become more attuned to your real self, you will find that you can tell when other people are just, they're playing an act. They are performing. They're not really interacting with you as their true self. It's not malicious, most of the time. It's not even intentional. They may not even be aware or conscious that they're doing it.

[00:11:18] But you know that you are not really in relationship with a real person, right? But if you have, if you have done enough inner work that you have deepened in your presence, if you have deepened in your internal space, sometimes, you may be able to draw that true person out from someone who is acting out of his or her persona.

[00:11:41] NOT FEELING SAFE
But again, in order to do that, you need to slow down. The other person also needs to be able to slow down. And you need to be able to be present. And when there is deep presence and space, slowly, sometimes we can get to rest and then you'll find that we can stop acting. Now, here's the thing; why is it that all that needs to happen before we can stop acting? Why is it that all that needs to happen before we can slow down enough to be our true self?

[00:12:09] Because one of the reasons why we struggle so much to slow down is because we don't feel safe. It's a lack of safety. Think about it. Most people can't slow down even when they need to, right? And even when they're given the time, supposedly, to slow down, they can't.

[00:12:26] There are retirees who can't slow down and they will tell you there are still too many things to do, there are too many important things. Maybe they need to be involved in or they don't they don't want to waste their time. Sometimes, they'll say they don't want to waste their time. They want to make full use of their time. And so, they don't slow down now.

[00:12:44] Here's the thing; when we don't feel safe and we don't slow down, we usually mask that even from ourselves. Okay, so, I've covered this point before earlier. We have this need to think, of course, the best of ourselves. It's a natural need. So, when we are actually running away from something, when we can't slow down because, let's say, there's a traumatic imprint in our lives that makes us feel unsafe and we're actually constantly trying to just keep really busy to feel good about ourselves or feel useful, or because there's such a strong script in us that, the moment you slow down or rest, you're being lazy or being selfish, you're being soft and soft is not good, or being weak.

[00:13:21] I can't sleep in. Okay, so, this is a personal anecdote. I cannot sleep in, even if I had a very late night, even if I didn't have to work that next morning, let's say on a weekend or I'm on a holiday. I can't sleep in. The same goes for my younger brother. And we've talked about this before. I think we've been conditioned since we were very young, out of the best intentions because that's how our parents were conditioned. Okay, our mom was conditioned; how she was taught that that was what it meant to live a meaningful life, to not waste your time and life on sleep.

[00:13:59] And which meant even if it was school holidays, even if you're really tired, you have to be up when the sun is up, right? I mean, the very latest, you have to be up when the sun is up. Of course, in schools in Singapore, usually you have to be up. Even before the sun is up, but even on weekends and on holidays, we don't get to rest. We don't take naps. It took me a very long time to actually learn to be able to take a nap during the day. It used to feel really wrong and really weird.

[00:14:29] So, even if I was tired, I didn't feel safe to sleep, to rest. So, when I went for my first silent retreat, it was like about seven days, it was a week. It was so difficult for me, not because it was silent, not because I didn't talk. I was very strict with myself because I have that zeal and the perfectionist in me, right? - And this was quite long ago. So, I decided that I will be the best retreatant in the silent retreat. I will not read anything that the spiritual director did not give me, okay. So, I'm not bringing any material, any other extra reading material. So, other than not speaking and not having anything to listen to, I'm also not reading anything unless the spiritual director gave me something to read.

[00:15:14] So, I was very ambitious. It's kind of like the irony, right? The irony of going into a spiritual space, like a retreat with the mindset and the heart set and the body set, so to speak, of trying to accomplish something, excel at something. So, this touches on the theme. I think I covered two days ago about how our old ways of operating, trying harder, striving harder, doesn't work for the interior journey.

[00:15:37] Okay, because the interior journey is about softening. It's about softening and making space and entering into silence. And when we're very busy, because we are trying to avoid having to face ourselves, that's the last thing we want to do. So, that retreat was really hard for me because when there was nothing to distract me, when I couldn't be busy with anything I found that even trying to go for walks, I was walking really fast and I was feeling very frustrated.

[00:16:06] There was so much angst - angst or angst - always bubbling up inside of me. I was sleeping terribly at nights, having a lot of dreams – many, many dreams that I then didn't really remember when I woke up. And it was only, I think halfway through the retreat that I mentioned that I wasn't sleeping well because my spiritual director asked me and that I had been having dreams. And then she told me that, oh, you know, that would be likely because now that there is space, because now I'm not doing anything, I'm not crowding my mind and my heart out with being busy, my subconscious is kind of like bubbling up to the surface and the dreams are one way in which the subconscious is releasing itself. It's trying to send signals to me about what I've been suppressing and repressing all this time.

[00:16:54] Now, of course a week in a silent retreat is not enough to clear all that stuff that had built up. And I learned eventually that it wasn't even enough to go on regular retreats. It's still not enough to clear the backlog. Ultimately, I had to enter into a kind of lifestyle that gave space on a regular basis. Not just when I had to kind of live at high speed and then crash and go away for like another for a block of time where I don't have to do anything. That was not sustainable. And that doesn't help with integration and authenticity.

[00:17:31] HIDING BEHIND OUR PERSONAS
Although at the start, and when I say start, it could be even for a few years, for many of us, that could be what we would do. And it's better than nothing. It's better than nothing, right? So, but we can't slow down because we are afraid to face what is inside of us.

[00:17:47] So basically, I want to say, those of us who hide behind the badge of busyness because as much as we complain about how busy we are, we actually feel that it is actually something to be proud of, okay. Because our society and the people around us actually respect that we're busy and that we work hard.

[00:18:06] We could be unable to slow down because our identity has become fused with what we do. And if we stop doing, stop playing a certain role, or we are afraid that if we disappear for a while or rest for a while, we'll be forgotten, or that people will think that, again, we're lazy, or that we've started becoming self-centred and selfish. We often hide behind the badge of being responsible and dutiful.

[00:18:32] Now, for me, one of the most painful lessons I learned was that my chief virtue, so growing up I would say my chief virtue that I identified with was being responsible. If you task me with something, I will not let you down. I'm the most responsible person. But eventually I realized that this responsibility was a crutch and that it was an idol.

[00:18:58] I have started to, without knowing, worship responsibility. And I was worshiping responsibility because it gave me the identity that I needed. That made me feel like I was somebody worthy of respect. So, on the surface, I had actually convinced myself that I was righteous and that this was a virtue. So, I was actually a slave because I couldn't put things down, I couldn't stop when I actually needed to, all for the sake of being responsible.

[00:19:33] Now, I know that this will hit home for quite many of you, and some of you may not be ready to hear this, and this will irritate you. Some of you will hear this and it will hit home and you will know that what I said is true, and maybe it's time for you to do something about it. Okay, so, what happens when you feel like it's time to do something about it, but you find that you still can't because this is very real.

[00:19:59] STOPPING WHEN WE FINALLY BREAK
Yeah, I'm being very real here. For many of us, our busyness and our living at speed and cramming everything into our lives is an addiction. Okay, it's coming from a place of compulsion. And there are many layers to that. There are psychological reasons, there are emotional reasons, there are spiritual reasons why we find it very hard to slow down.

[00:20:21] Okay, but the experience of it, the lived experience of it is that it's a compulsion is an addiction and you just can't stop, all right. So, there was someone that I was accompanying was in a very bad place and he knows something needs to change, but he just can't. And he knows he probably needs to slow down and to make space for maybe more prayer or to just become more free. He has realized how unfree he was, and he was miserable, right? And he asked me, how did I stop this downward spiral when I was in that position? Because he knew that I'd gone through that, right?

[00:20:58] And he didn't like the answer I had to give. I told him, I'm sorry, you're not going to like the answer I have to give you because I know you're hoping that I will give you some solution that you can apply and then you can stop this downward spiral. I said, but you asked me how I did it. The truth is I couldn't, I didn't do it.

[00:21:15] The truth is, even when I knew I needed to try and stop trying so hard, I couldn't stop. The compulsion was just too strong. And eventually, I just got so tired that I couldn't anymore. I mean, I did burn out. I did burn out, right? My body ended up saying no for me, right. So, if you read now a bit more of the literature out there about trauma and about the body, one of the most beautiful things I learned - so true - I mean, I learned the language, right, is that when we can't say no, when we don't know how to draw the boundaries, when we can't slow down, eventually our body does it for us.

[00:21:58] Our body says no for us. And unfortunately, unfortunately that usually means in some form of illness, of really literally a body breaking down. And the scary thing is, for many of us, even when these things start happening, we still can't slow down. That's how deep the addiction is. That's how deep our anxiety and our fear and our unfreedom is.

[00:22:25] That's how much of a slave we are, right. And that's why when we talk about interior journey, it's still always first and foremost about grace. I believe that without grace, I couldn't have made this journey without grace. Many of the turning points in my own journey could not have happened. So, if you are in that state where you kind of like feel like you know what you need to do but you just you still can't do it.

[00:22:53] You can't do it. You're too scared to do it. You're too unfree to do it. You're too worried about how it will reflect on you to do it. You may even be able to acknowledge, okay - yes, I'm being prideful. Yes, it's my ego, and all that. But I just can't bring myself to do what I need to do to slow down.

[00:23:10] I want to leave with you, as I close, another quote or a sharing that I found very, very true, a very true description of my experience. And I found very hopeful because it's so true. So, one of my favourite spiritual teachers, in the last few years of my life is a Jesuit, Monty Williams, okay.

[00:23:33] He speaks very, very down to earth, you know, manners - really, really down to earth. And he says, well, I think it was an answer to a question before, but he's used the story more than once. He said, you know when you are urgent, like when you need to go to the toilet, at some point, you know, when you're urgent enough, whether or not there is a toilet, you will go.

[00:23:56] If you try to go to the toilet and you think you should go to the toilet, but you're not urgent enough, maybe you won't, right, maybe you won't go. But when you're urgent enough, whether or not there is a toilet, when it's time, it's time. I think it is a delightful description because that is true to the experience.

[00:24:20] Sooner or later, each of us, I think, with grace, really, hopefully, there is a point at which we are urgent enough that even if we can't bring ourselves to take action, we at least stop running and stop resisting the action that God wants to take in our life. And then see, that's when we allow space to happen.

[00:24:45] And remember what I said at the beginning of this video, that slowing down is ultimately not about the speed, but about the space, about making space for God to enter, about making space for us to be able to experience the ability to respond, to choose our response and thus to be free beings, right?

[00:25:08] So, if you still struggle with slowing down, I hope that you will grow in your desire for space. Sometimes, it's trying to do a negative thing, like to slow down, maybe like to stop doing things is hard, but you think of it as creating spaciousness within you, spaciousness within your life so that you can savour, so that you can be present, so that you can actually enjoy the experience of being a free person.

[00:25:41] Maybe that will give you something to look forward, to understand why slowing down is part of becoming free, and becoming free to live your life. And once you become skilled at being who you are, right, when you are very deeply grounded in who you are and you become skilled at living the life that you are created to live, guess what?

[00:26:04] You will embody the slow is smooth, and smooth is fast maxim. Okay, that ultimately your life will be very fruitful, would even be very productive. But for all the right reasons, there will not be any - it wouldn't be so much out of frenzied energies and hurriedness and rushing from things to things.

[00:26:24] There will be intentionality, there'll be presence, there'll be peace, and there'll be energy, focused energy, and spiritual fruitfulness. And that's what we want. That's the kind of life that we all desire freely, joyfully, to be alive and to give witness to Christ's presence in our lives. So, hopefully you will find space to rest and in that rest, rediscover that you are free.

[00:26:57] God bless and see you again tomorrow.

[00:27:03] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!