Why Your Self-Knowledge Needs To Be More Specific

EPISODE 86 | WHY YOUR SELF-KNOWLEDGE NEEDS TO BE MORE SPECIFIC

There are many things that are outside of our control and we should not try to control or make happen before it's time. But that doesn't mean that we're meant to just be completely passive. I mean, we have agency. What we need to learn is to know when and in what areas to exercise that agency.

While there are many things we can't control and should not try to control, there are many things as well that if we don't do our part, even when the time comes, even when the grace is given, we won't be able to make much progress.

[00:00:35] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:12] Hello and good morning. Today is day 11 of my 30-day IG Live challenge. And today I want to talk about why your self-knowledge really, really needs to be a lot more specific if you want to be able to kind of like find your life's purpose or experience a greater sense of flow and alignment in your life. Now, all of us kind of like seek that, right? We want to be able to find more flow in our lives. We instinctively wish to know where is it that we fit.

[00:01:58] And that's not just in terms of social belonging. All of us desire to be in a place where we feel that our unique abilities, our interests, our passions, and even our limitations somehow, find a place where they all make sense.

[00:02:18] Now, this is true in terms of finding, we can say the grail, for many of us. Like the ultimate hope or objective is that we discover our unique personal mission. But something that's more on the way, that's more in progress is even our day to day, month by month, year by year, attempt to grow in authenticity and wholeness that can also benefit from self-knowledge that is a lot more concrete and a lot more specific.

[00:02:52] NOT FITTING IN
So, this is something this belongs to another topic, which no one actually really told me or explained this to me before. It was something that I discovered along the way. And it was a truth that I discovered along the way, which I then found to be very, very helpful. It gave me more momentum in my interior journey, both in terms of the healing and the growing in authenticity, as well as in discovering what my life's work is about, like, who God created me to be, where I'm meant to fit.

[00:03:25] I've always felt I was kind of like an oddball, and I think maybe many people feel that way sometimes. We feel that lack of alignment between what we experience ourselves to be and what seems to be wanted of us or what seems to be what is more common, more acceptable in, let's say the environments around us.

[00:03:45] So, when there's that mismatch, I think some of us will feel like I'm a little odd. I'm a little strange. And oftentimes I feel like I don't fit. But here's the thing; that feeling of not fitting is really a blessing because as long as you're feeling like you don't fit, there is probably something you can learn about yourself more specifically, that is going to bring you closer to where you do fit.

[00:04:13] Now, that journey may be long and the interior journey is not something - it doesn't give you kind of like a quick reward, you know? It doesn't give you an answer straight away. Part of it is growing in that ability to be patient over the long-term. But sometimes, we make our own journey a lot more difficult than it has to be or last a lot longer than it has to be.

[00:04:38] Like, we become very mired, very stuck in vagueness, in generalities. Let me give you an example. What I mean - the interior journey, definitely, there's a big part of it where it's mystery, where we are not in control, where we need to just let go and be led by the Lord, by life, right?

[00:05:01] There are many things that are outside of our control and we should not try to control or make happen before it's time. But that doesn't mean that we're meant to just be completely passive. I mean, we have agency. What we need to learn is to know when and in what areas to exercise that agency, right?

[00:05:25] While there are many things we can't control and should not try to control, there are many things as well that if we don't do our part, even when the time comes, even when the grace is given, we won't be able to make much progress. And one of these areas is self-knowledge. Okay, we really, really are called to deepen in our understanding of the self that God has given us. If we are, I mean the one thing, the one thing that all of us have been given to be steward over, right, to be steward over is our self, is our own journey.

[00:06:05] Not all of us will become parents. Not all of us may often be in situations where we are given material goods to really be responsible for, or to be a leader where there are people that we have to govern and lead. But every one of us have our own lives that we are responsible for, that we are asked to lead and govern wisely. And we can't lead and we can't govern what we do not know. So, here's the thing, often those of us who have become interested in the interior journey, we begin by learning what is general and what is universal about the interior journey.

[00:06:49] And much of even the content that I put out can be considered in that area, okay. Because that's what needs to kind of come first. We need to understand generally the pattern of the interior journey, what it means to become more still, to develop in solitude to become aware, for example, that we all have these different layers of living that, we are often too preoccupied with the outmost layer and that we are not aware of the inner layer or even of our core, right?

[00:07:20] So, these are universal principles. Kind of like general things that we need to know and understand first to go further. If you are familiar with spiritual direction, okay. So, let's say you're someone who has been going for regular spiritual direction for a few years. Again, by regular, I mean like maybe monthly spiritual direction for a few years. Usually what they experience is that the first few years, you're kind of like growing in your ability to listen to your own life, just to listen to yourself and just to listen to your own emotions, right? To get a bit more attuned to the ways that the Holy Spirit appears in our life, to get attuned to the way that God speaks to us.

[00:08:08] At some level, at the start, there are methods to learn and principles that we can pick up that are more general and that's where like learning methods of prayer or like the principles of discernment can be helpful, right? Things and concepts like consolation and desolation to get a general sense.

[00:08:29] Those things are helpful. But if that's all we have, if all we have are just like the general principles and like kind of the ideas of how it works and we don't have the concrete data from our own life to put into the methods that we pick up. After a while, we may experience that I still don't really know who I am, or I have this vague, vague sense - I'm growing with an awareness that I am not free. But I can't name the specific ways that I am not free, right? Or I get the sense that I'm struggling in this, there's a pattern of sin in my life, or there's a pattern of brokenness in my life. But again, I am not able to specifically point to the root, of what this is. Or if I look at my gifts, if I'm trying to think of where I can contribute, I have a general sense that I'm good with people maybe or I've been told, okay, this happens a lot. I have clients who tell me that I keep getting put into positions of leadership.

[00:09:34] It's like people, some people seem to see something in me, but I don't know what it is they see, right. And so, I have clients who get promoted over the years into higher and higher positions of responsibility and in higher positions of leadership, for example, but there's this deep sense of dissonance in them and even insecurity because they don't quite exactly know what is it that they bring to the table. And even if they were to ask their superiors or people who say that it's not very often that people are skilled at being very specific - articulating very specific terms as to what it is that somebody else brings to the table. I think there's a different gift or talent or learned skill altogether, okay.

[00:10:17] So, what happens is when we don't have the specifics of what we bring to the table, we will lack confidence when we have to lead, whether it's ourself or a team. And we can often feel frustrated when things are not working out, when we meet resistance, right?

[00:10:37] So, for example, in the context of leadership, where I experienced some failure and I can't pinpoint or understand where that failure is coming from. I'm going to feel even more insecure, right, in future positions or even as I continue this post of leadership because I am continuing to be shrouded in the dark.

[00:11:02] FINDING OUR FIT
Okay, so, we need to be concrete and specific about - I'll just talk about two ways, okay, that we need to be very concrete and specific about ourselves in order to find our fit and to help ourselves find alignment in our life or in the positions that we have to take up or in the roles that we have to take up.

[00:11:21] 1. BEING CONCRETE ABOUT OUR SCRIPTS
One is getting concrete and specific about our scripts. Okay, that means the autopilot program or the program that we have become used to in our lives, the ways that we normally default to, our coping mechanisms. When we can get very concrete and specific about what our scripts are, they have less of a control over us.

[00:11:45] Sometimes, just even being able to name something and claim something, even before you're able to find like a solution to get you completely out of acting that way already, you will experience a diminishing of that hold that that pattern of brokenness or that script has over you in your life. Being able to be concrete and specific about our scripts also help us to identify the environments and the situations or the people that will probably tend to put us into a defensive posture, into a place where we will be dysregulated.

[00:12:24] You see, and what's beautiful is when we are more aware, very concretely about what are these environments that will trigger our scripts, when we know we're going to have to enter those environments, we can prepare. We can be more prepared or even something as simple as to say a prayer before we enter that situation, you know? And the clearer we are about the specific scripts that operate in the background in our life, the more aware we can be in the moment when we are being triggered that we might need, for example, to ask for some time out or to ask for more time to consider something or just to slow ourselves down.

[00:13:08] Okay, or for me, one of the things that I know that I do that I find helpful, if I know I'm going to have to enter a conversation or a situation that is going to be challenging, that I anticipate that I might get triggered or that there's an area of my vulnerability or weakness that may be exposed, but I know this is something that I have to do, I make sure that in the time leading up to that, meeting or that interaction, I have more space for silence.

[00:13:37] I try and clear my calendar, give myself a pocket of time and do something that will calm me, whether it's have some quiet time, have some music on, lighting a candle some aromatherapy, you know? Just some time of prayer. Do something that works for you, right? I know what works for me.

[00:13:55] So, that intentionality that I can now bring into a difficult situation because I have specific knowledge of my script. And in that sense, I'm very clear, or I can anticipate when my scripts are going to kick in and when I'm going to get triggered and my coping mechanisms are going to trip me up.

[00:14:17] Making that advanced preparation of regulating myself of grounding myself. Then makes me a better steward of myself and of the space that I will enter, which leads to greater likelihood that I will not act or speak rashly when I'm in that encounter or a meeting, something that I will regret afterwards, right?

[00:14:46] And when I'm more grounded and regulated. I may even be able to be even more authentic when I'm in that space and in that meeting, right? Now, all that is only possible with self-knowledge. In this case of my specific knowledge of what could trip me up, right? So being concrete and specific about our scripts.

[00:15:08] That's the first point I want to talk about for this video as to why our self-knowledge needs to be more specific. On the flip side, other than the scripts. We can also be, or we really ought to be a lot more concrete and specific about the strengths and the gifts that we bring. So, on one side is kind of like our brokenness, the specific ways in which we are broken, and the more concrete we are about that, the more we can help ourselves.

[00:15:34] 2. WHAT ARE OUR STRENGTHS AND SPECIFIC GIFTS?
On the other side is what are the competencies and the strengths - how can we show up at our best? What are the optimal conditions that allow us to be in that sense, the best version of ourselves. Now, we hear this term a lot, right? The best version of yourselves. And again, when it is very vague and very generic, it's not helpful.

[00:15:52] We make assumptions that, okay, so, the best version of myself should mean that maybe I'm capable or I'm intelligent or I deliver what needs to be delivered or I'm kind and I'm patient. But you see, again, these are all general descriptions and the specific way that you are meant to contribute at your highest to the kingdom, is going to be very different from the specific way that I am created to contribute at my highest to the kingdom.

[00:16:22] A good friend of mine, her kind of like superpower, so to speak, like her strength may be to just be very quiet and to listen and to make someone feel so heard and so seen that just spending some time in her presence allows the person to feel built up. And that's an amazing thing.

[00:16:39] So, for my friend showing up at her best to contribute at her highest is that - it's by being that presence, right? By sometimes not having to speak very much. And I'm very blessed to have a friend like that. And maybe somebody in your life that's like that too. Now, I used to envy my friend because I've experienced being blessed by her presence, right? And her encouraging words. And I used to envy that because I would think, well, I wish I could do that, you know? But I don't do that. And the funny thing is, afterwards when we got to get close, I found out that this particular friend is always envious of me. So funny, right? She's envious of what I can do well. Well, I'm envious of what she can do well.

[00:17:23] But clearly the Lord doesn't make mistakes, right? God doesn't make mistakes. He designed us specifically with very unique designs because there's a mission and there's a role that we're meant to play. So, for me, I had to let go of that desire to have a nurturing presence that just allows people to feel seen and heard and feel built up.

[00:17:46] I mean, I can do that, but that's not what God created me to do specifically, right? He created me to be sharp; to point things out to people, to help clarify, to give insight, to connect the dots, to help people who are ready to move to experience the liberation of getting clearer about who they are, what are the steps they need to take, and how to take them.

[00:18:12] Now, if I didn't own this, if I didn't in the first place even discover that this is how God made me, I wouldn't be able to make decisions that bring me to situations that allow me to exercise my gifts, right. So, let me give you a concrete example of what it means to get a bit more concrete about self-knowledge. So, I always thought that I deal a lot with people, I speak a lot with people. A lot of the good things that happen, in terms of what I can bring to the table, often happen when there are people around, right?

[00:18:48] There's someone to receive what I have to offer. So, I always thought that people, like human beings was a big part of what motivates me, how God created me to be motivated. And it was only when I went through a process to, you know? Was quite laborious, but to really articulate what is, what is the topic?

[00:19:13] Like what subject really gets me going and gets me excited. And I can spend a lot of time on, and I feel really competent about, and I feel like, this is what I meant to do. And when I went through that process, I realized that the main subject for me is not people. The main topic for me is not people.

[00:19:34] It has to do with people though. It has to do with human beings though, because my topic is about understanding, about making connections and specifically, about the interior journey, right? So, I'm fascinated and I am particularly attentive and sensitive to seeing all the connections and synthesizing all the different dimensions of what is required to make the interior journey.

[00:19:58] That's what excites me. That's what sets my heart on fire. And whether it's through reading, through attending courses or especially, in my own experience, and the people that journey with me, I know I somehow can draw all these connections and then I'm very excited to be able to pass that knowledge on, right?

[00:20:17] Like once I've synthesized all this understanding, I love to be able to share it because ultimately why I want this to be able to benefit someone else. So, that's where, in a sense, people come to play, right? People are important. Ultimately, when I have gone through the process of understanding and learning this, then I can facilitate somebody else's journey by sharing all these insights with him or with her.

[00:20:43] Now, why is this specificity and concreteness important? The bulk of my time now, okay - so, since 2020, I have entered into that phase of my life where I can finally say that I know now I am doing the work of my life. From 2020 on, even if it's specific form of what I'm doing, my change, I already know. I have deep confidence that now, I finally know what my life is about and I know I'm building up the work of my life. Okay, so, for the rest of my life, I'm building on this. I don't need to keep wondering whether I'm on the right path or whether I need to change.

[00:21:22] It's finally - I'm finally kind of like that. And one of the things that helped me to know how to operate is understanding that the bulk of my time can't be around people. Okay, so, the bulk of my time isn't about spending time with people or interacting with people. The bulk of my time is to gain the knowledge and the understanding and the insights and to experience very deeply in my own journey so that what I can pass on is not just theoretical knowledge. But I have practical know how and practical insight that can help others.

[00:21:58] But I need to use the bulk of my time to live that, to live my life. Okay, to read, to learn, to then reflect and ponder on how these things come together. So, that for the time that I am communicating, whether it's creating content going Live like now, on my podcast or in coaching and teaching, right, that takes up quite a bit of time too.

[00:22:22] But you see outside of that contact time when like right now I'm actually speaking outside of that time, I need lots of time to be on my own. And I used to think that that's weird because I'm actually an extrovert, right? I mean, how many extroverts do - who don't really hang around a lot with other people or spend a lot of time socializing with other people?

[00:22:44] I'm that odd extrovert. Okay, but when I did the deeper Myers Briggs - so, Myers Briggs is one of the instruments that I use with my clients. Okay, and there are different versions of the reports for Myers Briggs. Most people only know the four letters, right? Like INFJ, ENFP, ISTJ kind of a thing.

[00:23:04] And there are plenty of kind of like free versions floating around on the internet. I just want to say word to the wise - many of them are not clear, necessarily that effective. And they don't explain how you're supposed to use that instrument in a way that's useful and helpful for you, all right. But I digress.

[00:23:22] SELF-KNOWLEDGE: EXTROVERSION AND INTRAVERSION
Apart from the four letters of the Myers Briggs, there is actually a deeper instrument. It's called the Myers Briggs step two instrument. So, it goes beyond looking at are you extrovert or introvert? It looks at how you express your or experience your extroversion and introversion, okay? There are five facets in there and the five facets in between being a sensing person or - a sensing or intuition.

[00:23:47] And sometimes we may have some of these facets, out of the preference that we have. So, for example, I'm an extrovert, but of the five facets, there are two facets that I actually score on the introvert side. And one of them is that I prefer to be intimate rather than gregarious.

[00:24:04] Gregarious generally means that you have like a large circle of friends. You also enjoy interacting maybe in kind of like larger groups. I do have a large circle of acquaintances. I know a lot of people, but interaction for me, it's always preferred to be one on one or a very small group because I want to go deep.

[00:24:24] And that's where my strength is, to go deep, right? The interior journey is deep stuff and I want to bring people to deep places. So, I had to accept that about myself and I had to learn that about myself before I could accept that about myself, right? And the second, the second aspect or facet that I score differently from an extrovert, a usual extrovert is that I prefer quiet.

[00:24:46] I prefer quiet rather than enthusiasm or - so, I am again, the so-called odd extrovert that do not enjoy settings where there are big celebrations or crowds. Always I prefer quiet. In fact, I need quiet to be able to process my thoughts, to reflect deeply. As an extrovert who's easily stimulated by what's outside of me, interior growth, I've learned, requires me to get a lot more anchored into the interior space, which is not intuitive for an extrovert, right?

[00:25:16] And when greater integration happens, it means that I'm actually very anchored in my interior space. And when I come and interact with people in the outside space, it's coming from a place of depth, a place of silence, a place that I've honed in solitude. So, that's just a tip for the extroverts out there who may be watching this.

[00:25:35] For an extrovert, interior growth and integration often consists in the ability to develop the anchor into stillness and silence and solitude. Whereas for an introvert, usually their integration and growth includes them being able to come out of that interior space and being able to bring the treasures that they have honed in the interior space out into the world.

[00:26:00] That's the area of growth for them, different from an extrovert's area of growth, right? So that's an, again, kind of like an example of how being very concrete about your self-knowledge can actually give you information you need about your growth and understanding as to whether you're growing or not. So, that's just one little story from me.

[00:26:22] I'm going to tell you another little anecdote about why concrete self-knowledge can help us find our fit, right? So, for me, once I knew that although I'm an extrovert and although I enjoy speaking to people, God created me, mainly, like a big part of me to be able to be me - requires solitude and thinking and reflecting.

[00:26:43] I no longer struggle with the fact of my lack of so-called social life. I still enjoy, of course, being with friends and I miss that because this season of my life requires me to have more time doing the work that I need to do. I feel a lot freer in turning down all kinds of social invitations. And I don't feel guilty about that because I know I am doing what I'm supposed to do.

[00:27:07] I know that whether or not other people may realize it, this is the best way that I can bless them because this is the best way I can give my highest to God's kingdom, right? So, recently I had a client who went through the motivation code and also went through the Myers Briggs. And what was so incredible about it, because sometimes it's the insights that my clients have as they find out about themselves, right?

[00:27:34] So, part of the work they are supposed to do, I mean, the homework I give them usually after they learn more about themselves is to go and reflect. What does this mean to you? Now that you know this about yourself, where have you seen alignment or lack of alignment in your life, right? So, this particular client said, in response to, after we went through the Myers Briggs, she says, oh, now I know why I keep failing this promotional interview, this promotion interview.

[00:28:02] Okay, so, she has been trying to go for a promotion for several years and although her track record is really good in what she does, whenever she goes for this promotion interview, she gets so discouraged that's why at some point she thought maybe she was just not cut out for this work, you know? She feels that she's not competent because she keeps failing this promotion interview.

[00:28:23] And after we did the Myers Briggs, the Step 2 Myers Briggs - so, the in depth one, she just said, now I think I know why I always fail the promotion interview. And I just want to ask her, so, what is it that you realize? And she says, well, you see, she happens to be somebody who is very - her strength is in being very flexible and being very able to adapt to changing situations and changing circumstances, right? She is not worried when she can't see from the start how she can make something happen. She has this confidence that I may not know exactly what the steps are that needs to take for me to lead this team, for example, to accomplish a particular outcome. But I will figure out along the way, and I'm very confident that along the way, I'll know what I need to do.

[00:29:09] And actually her track record shows that. Her track record shows she's somehow always able to deliver. It's just that at the start, she's not able to articulate to you what the steps are that she's going to take because at that point she just doesn't know what they are. This is actually a very legitimate, one of the dimensions of the Myers Briggs preferences, okay?

[00:29:29] It falls under being a perceiving type. So, here's the thing, the promotion that she's been trying to go for, that she keeps going for these interviews, the organization that she works for is more of, I guess you could say, they're more traditional, all right? They want to feel that they are leaders at the top, have a good sense of control over what's happening, that they're able to see further out and have plans and be very systematic and be able to answer questions like, okay, if I give you this problem, how are you going to tackle it? What, what problems do you anticipate?

[00:30:03] And there's a different kind of personality type, temperament type for whom that is natural. They prefer to plan everything out to be very systematic. And they love and thrive in executing what they've planned. So, my client though, that's not her. And so, whenever she goes with these interviews, apparently, she will answer very honestly, I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do in this, in the situation, the scenario that you give me, but I'll figure it out. I will.

[00:30:32] And she always has, right? But she doesn't give then, during this interview, perhaps the confidence - or at least the organization who's interviewing her for this position, they want somebody at that particular position whom they feel has a good sense of what's happening from further out.

[00:30:50] So, you know what's beautiful though? When my client could make this connection herself, this weight, I could tell this weight fell off her because the first time she mentioned to me that this was one of the things that was going on in her life, she was very discouraged. Right, because it feels like she wasn't competent and it's very discouraging to keep trying to get to go for a promotion interview and to fail it.

[00:31:12] But now, she knows why and she can see why for that particular organization, that's why they want that kind of trait, in the position that she was trying to go for. And she realizes actually that's not who she is. And that her best contribution is perhaps working for a top leader who has that kind of foresight and loves you know, being able to plan and be organized, but who will give her space, plenty of space and plenty of autonomy to make good things happen, as things happen, as things kind of develop, right.

[00:31:45] And that's where she's in her element, that's where she thrives when she can work under a leader that trusts her, that understands the way she works and will give her that space. So, then my client is now very happy because she knows why she's been failing those interviews. It's not because of a lack of competence. It's not because she's not good at what she does, but because there's a misalignment, there's no fit between her strength and her competencies and the requirement of that job.

[00:32:11] But isn't it interesting, in the way that top job is being described? Nobody ever spells it out, that this is exactly kind of like what we're looking for. And because she wasn't clear and concrete about what she brought to the table, she didn't realize that there was a misalignment, right? So, that's another good example for why your self-knowledge needs to be a lot more concrete, a lot more specific, and what a difference that can make. So, you won't have to waste your time spinning your wheels in the dark. You will be able to know when you need to move on from where you are, because you know that that's not where God kind of created you to inhabit, to be, right?

[00:32:51] There may be seasons in which we are where the fit is not that great. Oftentimes, those are seasons of learning for us, to develop more knowledge about ourselves, about how we operate, right? And you may find in life, for as long as you don't learn something that you need to learn, you may find yourself continuously being put back into a similar situation until you finally get it. Then you don't have to subject yourself to the same environment or the same conditions anymore. 

[00:33:19] SELF-KNOWLEDGE AND SELF-ACCEPTANCE
Okay, so, whether it is self-acceptance. So, we say in the interior journey, we need to accept ourselves. If you're not, if you don't know specifically what you're like, how God created you, you don't know what to accept about yourself or what aspect of yourself you struggle to accept.

[00:33:38] Okay, so even there for self-acceptance, you need to know yourself more specifically and more concretely. If you want to be able to steward your life better, the resources that God has given you, your time, your energy. You also need to have very concrete and specific self-knowledge. So, you know what to choose, you know where you can give your highest contribution.

[00:34:01] It's not on other people. It's not other people's responsibility to tell you that. Requests are going to come from different directions; requests for help requests for you to contribute. They may kind of like see something in you, sometimes a big sense, or they may have heard that you had a good track record and so, they approach you. But you are the one that needs to have very concrete and specific knowledge about who you are, what you bring to the table and to make that discernment whether or not this is indeed where God is calling you to go.

[00:34:30] And every moment counts. Our life is precious. Your life is precious. Your time is precious. The longer you're just fumbling in the dark, not knowing who you are and how to live the life that God has given you, the more time you are not being fully alive. All right, so, if you want to be able to experience freedom and joy and peace even in living up the roles that you have to live as a parent, perhaps. Okay, or as a teacher or at work or as a leader, you realize these roles - parent, teacher, leader - that kind of examples, right, they have generic roles and sometimes we assume that to be a good leader needs to look a certain way.

[00:35:17] There are many kind of like, well, there are many leadership gurus that kind of tell us these are important attributes that leaders should exhibit. But here's the thing that's often missed out depending on the specific concrete design that you have, your temperament, your motivational design.

[00:35:37] The way you can embody that attribute, even for example, let's say a leader that is able to be emotionally intelligent, okay. So, for example, the emotional intelligence is important, okay. But how a highly introverted thinking leader needs to develop emotional intelligence or expresses emotional intelligence will be very different from how a highly extroverted and feeling leader will exhibit and express emotional intelligence.

[00:36:09] ALIGNING OUR GIFTS WITH WHERE WE ARE
Okay, so, generalities are not enough to help us have clarity, to help us have confidence in how to show up. So, I have one last story before I end today's thing about why it's so important to be concrete and specific about knowing who we are. One of my clients is an introvert, is a deep introvert, actually.

[00:36:29] Although at this point of his development, his self-development, it's not always apparent because he's very comfortable now interacting with others and kind of like being more extroverted in his leadership, okay? But earlier on in his journey, he has experienced being promoted pretty fast in his organization and he always has this sense of being an imposter.

[00:36:48] He doesn't see why. Like, what is it that he brings to the table? Because often the leader that he's taking over, right? That he's kind of like, someone has moved on and then he's taking on the leadership position. The person that - his predecessor so happens often ends up being somebody who is more extroverted who knows how to kind of work the ground, you know? Like they put themselves out there, they're more rah-rah and they can whip up enthusiasm in the organization. And so, my client was always very apprehensive because he's really uncomfortable doing that, right?

[00:37:22] I mean, he's an introvert. He's very uncomfortable being rah-rah about things. He hates having to do all these big events. He understands that, you know? The morale and enthusiasm and motivation of the organization is important. But he always feels that he can't fill those shoes. And one thing that helped him - and it was really my privilege and pleasure to help him on that journey - is that he realizes that he could achieve a similar, really good outcome using entirely different means. Means that are aligned to the specific design that God has given him.

[00:37:58] So, for example, he's an introvert, he really doesn't like hanging out in big groups. He doesn't like doing those big events and rah-rah kind of events. But he decided to intentionally schedule his lunches at work so that every time at lunch, he's either meeting with one or two of his subordinates, like the people kind of the next level under him, so that he can get to know them on terms that are more comfortable for him, right - because he's an introvert - more intimately, but he gets to know them personally.

[00:38:29] And then through them, the challenges that they have at work and he also has his assistant help him compile a file, a folder basically of photographs of all the people in his organization that's under him, even those that he doesn't interact directly with. So, it's a very - it's a very large organization, right?

[00:38:46] So, he has this folder with photographs and names to the photograph. And as he goes about his day, when he happens to meet somebody like in the hallway or something or some interaction, they say hello, perhaps - you know, all that. He goes back to his office He takes out that folder and he looks for that face and then he remembers - and that name and he learns from that folder or which part of the organization this person belongs to, what is his or her role in the organization.

[00:39:16] Before a year was up, he struggled with the first few months, right? But before a year was up, his employees, I mean, the people in this organization that he was leading, they were amazed at how he knew who everybody was, even though he may not have met all of them. And he had such clear understanding of the way the different parts of the organization worked because of that - the planned lunches that he has with the other leaders, right - the next level under him.

[00:39:45] So, he found a way to know people that he was leading, or the organization he was leading, really inside out. He could speak when he did in big events. He's okay with big events as long as it's not like a rah-rah thing. He can speak so sharply and so clearly about the situations and the challenges that organization was facing that he won the people over, right?

[00:40:04] Without having to be somebody he's not, without having to be a rah-rah person, without having to like walk the ground all the time. He could be faithful, authentic to the way that God designed him. And at the same time found that he really was actually an excellent leader. So, he used to feel very lack of confidence at being a leader of a large organization.

[00:40:27] But after that experience and after revisiting - so, when he had to take over a different posting and he did the same thing again, like he will feel the lack of confidence again and he'll feel discouraged, but then he just needs to be reminded. No. Remember who you are. Remember the specific concrete things you've learned about yourself and look at how you can manage the environment to align with the design that God has given you, right? And then when he does that again, and he gets the good results again, it builds his confidence.

[00:40:56] So, now it's like many years since the incident that I described to you. He's leading at an even higher level than before. And it would have been impossible, I think, in the past for him imagining doing the job that he currently has to do as an introvert, if he hasn't developed the confidence of knowing how to steward what the gifts that God has given him; how to manage the weaknesses maybe, that he has. He's also grown a lot of it in his own interior awareness of his scripts.

[00:41:27] So, he knows how to prepare himself when he needs to go into situations that will make him anxious, right? So, as he gets more specific about his self-knowledge, he became a better leader of himself. And now he's closer and closer to really finding where's that fit, that ultimate fit that God has made him to fit in, in terms of the kingdom, right?

[00:41:51] And for all of us, there's a big part of that, that we have no control over. We can only follow step by step. And when I started this video, I mentioned, we need to distinguish between the parts of the interior journey that are mystery and are meant to be left as mystery and the parts that we have to take active steps and we have agency and we're asked to cooperate and learning about ourselves. 

[00:42:15] Developing very concrete, specific, and deep self-knowledge about ourselves is probably one of the best and most powerful, powerful things we can do to help ourselves grow interiorly and to arrive at the point where we're ready, when God says it's time to take up our position in the kingdom to offer our highest contribution and to do our life's work.

[00:42:40] Okay, I hope you've enjoyed today's sharing about why your self-knowledge needs to be a lot more concrete. If you have any comments or any questions, please, I welcome you to send me a direct message if you want me to speak to a particular question that you have. 

[00:42:57] Thank you for joining me and I'll be back tomorrow. 

[00:43:02] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!