Day 233: ​​I'm the Most Happy & the Least Happy [Dr. Tita Gray]

Eva (00:08):
This is a story about what happens when you have breast cancer told in real time.

Kristen (00:16):
Okay. So we're here with Tita. It's so good to see you and we are just not even two weeks post double mastectomy. Can you tell me how you're feeling?

Tita (00:30):
Yeah, I feel good. I never actually have been in pain. I think I took Tylenol the day after because I spent the night I wanted to just because I wanted to just feel a little bit more safe and secure. And so I took Tylenol I think the next day on my own, but that was it. I don't remember. And they gave me oxycodone too. I didn't touch that. But the Tylenol, yeah, I just took it the next day, maybe the second day after, but once, not even every eight hours, I just took it once.

Kristen (01:08):
My mouth has dropped open, they can't see it, but my mouth has dropped open because I had a pain pump. I was like hammering.

Tita (01:18):
No, you know, I didn't have any pain. I had discomfort and I don't really sleeping on my back. I prefer sleeping on my side and just whatever way I want to flow in bed. I'm not like a one way have to sleep kind of person, but being confined to my back was so, it was more of the discomfort of the surgery than it was pain. And now this past Friday, I saw my surgeon again. She took off two of the drains, cuz you have four, two on each side and the two that had the least fluid, she was able to take those off. And so you have to kind of monitor what's going on with the drains so that she'll know when she can take 'em off. So these two will be taken off this coming Friday, next Friday.

Kristen (02:02):
The drains are part of the shit they don't tell you is really a pain in the ass.

Tita (02:06):
Yeah, yeah. The drains are horrible because you literally have to kind of reattach them places and put 'em, stuff them in your pants sort of in the front and it's just a weird thing. But overall, I am feeling itchy, cuz it's healing. I keep massaging my upper chest because it is numb. Parts of it are numb and parts are not. And so for me, this is my therapy to just every day I just kind of massage it. And it does feel like it's releasing some of those stuck tissues like massage therapy does. So that's what I do for my own self. That's what my body is telling me it needs. But I've been eating the same. I've been taking my dog for a walk. I've just been very cautious of everything that I'm doing and being very mindful that I'm not going to do something that's going to bust my stitches open or make me have internal bleeding or anything.

Kristen (03:08):
Right, exactly. And to remind people, the drains are to help with getting the fluid, the excess fluid out. And they're attached, there are little teeny holes and they're attached to your body. So it's this weird appendage that we're just not used to having that you have to be sure you don't catch your elbow on, that you don't catch anything on. Because it doesn't hurt to have it attached and it doesn't really hurt, it's weird to have 'em pulled out, but it's something that really, really aids in the healing and all of that. They are just the weirdest thing. You can't imagine it before you have it. And then after you have it, you're just like, I went through that? And you have to measure the gook inside that comes out of your body. And so that's what that is.

Tita (03:52):
It's pretty disgusting. Yeah. I said to my surgeon, for all the money that the hospitals charge for this surgery and the shit you have to go through, you all should really find another way.

Kristen (04:06):
Figure the shit out easier.

Tita (04:08):
Yeah, right.

Kristen (04:09):
Seriously. So do you mind taking us back through the day? What happened and how did you feel?

Tita (04:17):
Yeah. Me and my friend Renee, who I call my sister, because she's known me since I was a teenager, she took off from work and everything for pretty much that week so I could stay with her and her wife and just recover and be someplace safe where I didn't really have to do much. And so she took me to the hospital. We get inside, there's a lot of asking over and over again the same things. You meet with the person who's going to give you the anesthesia, you meet the anesthesiologists, you meet with these people, those people. So you meet with these people pre and then you meet with the people who are going to be in the surgery with you, from the nurses to, like I said, anesthesiologist to another doctor and they come in, they all ask you the same thing, your name, date of birth, and then it's starting the prep to get you to surgery. So for me, then it was going into surgery and I just remember joking with the nurses because of something they were doing these two nurses and it was silly and I was just laughing at them and we were all just cracking up. And after that, you wake up in recovery. But there was a whole conversation I supposedly had with my friend Renee and other people that I don't remember.

(05:40):
I think when I woke up, my surgery ended kind of late, so it probably was over about 6:30, 7 o'clock or something like that.

Kristen (05:50):
How long was your surgery?

Tita (05:51):
Three hours, but I think everything, it started kind of late, a little later. So by the time I woke up and was sort of coherent it was 12:30 AM or something like that. All I wanted to do was just go back to bed and it was this Russian guy, I never asked him if he was Russian, but I just know by his accent and he had on a hoodie. He really didn't look like he worked there. It was kind of weird. I was like, okay, this is strange.

Kristen (06:20):
And you're waking up in a new place and you're like.

Tita (06:24):
Yeah, like who is this guy, like straight out of a movie? I felt like I was a spy someplace in my own head. I was just going through my own bad place and shit. And he, here's the crazy thing. I had to at one point get up and go to the bathroom and because of where this area is, there's no patients or anything there. It's an extension of the clinic. So all of a sudden he was like, yeah, the bathroom is right down there. Do you need help? And I was like, no, I can walk. But the place was empty. So I was again whole in my head I'm like, is there somebody who's going to kill me?

Kristen (07:00):
In the middle of the night, surreal, unfamiliar place, empty, with a guy with a hoodie.

Tita (07:04):
I was like, is this a way to get away? Are you trying to get rid of black people up here? Is this some conspiracy going on up in here that I should be worried about? Cuz, I'll still try to fight you, stitches and all.

(07:17):
So, I got back in bed and passed out again until 4:00 AM and then again, but this guy was an absolute sweetheart. He was so attentive and knew exactly, and he wasn't overly earthy, crunchy, which is what I needed. I just needed like, Hey, do you need this? Hey, do you want some breakfast? Do you want, I want some jello. Okay, I'll get you jello. It was just perfect like that.

Kristen (07:40):
Perfect.

Tita (07:42):
Then he explained to me about the drains. I was just like, this is disgusting, and it's four of them all filled with blood and who knows what else this is. And I was like, Ew. So honestly, I wasn't even in pain then. It was just discomfort because I will tell you this, when I finally looked down and could see the stitches, because I had this big thing covering me all the way around, but it loosened up some because of the pulling of the drains, and it was attached by a bobby pin.

Kristen (08:16):
The drains?

Tita (08:18):
Yeah, to this other thing I had around me, and when I finally got a chance to really kind of see it, I didn't freak out. I still haven't. So when I came back on Friday, I didn't have that thing. So I was able to actually just really see it and I was like, okay, when this stitches heal, this is alright. This would be cool. The thing that feels weird is being outside and not having on a bra, a sports bra or anything. And I keep feeling like, God, everybody must see them banging around. And I'm like, no, no, they don't.

Kristen (08:54):
Not so much. Right. Yeah. Is there a lot of swelling?

Tita (09:00):
I don't think so. I think that more it might be on the sides and some of the discomfort I might feel might be some of the swelling going down, but I haven't had to use ice or anything. I don't feel like they don't even really hurt. Like I said, it's just weird.

Kristen (09:18):
Discomfort?

Tita (09:18):
Yeah. The only discomfort is really these drains and where those holes were a little bit a sore. Yeah, that's really it, honestly.

Kristen (09:30):
That's so, I've never described post-surgery as refreshing, but that's so refreshing to hear. I had no idea. No idea.

Tita (09:42):
Yeah. And my doctor said this, she said, you're not going to be in a lot of pain. All you need is Tylenol. And I remember saying to myself, the fuck out of here? Yeah, of course I'm going to be in pain.

Kristen (09:51):
Have you had this?

Tita (09:52):
But yeah, but she was right.

Kristen (09:57):
I love that.

Tita (09:57):
Really been painless.

Kristen (09:59):
So have you found that pretty much the way that you were prepared pre-surgery for everything is really how it rolled out?

Tita (10:04):
Yep.

Kristen (10:05):
That's amazing. Yeah. That's amazing.

Tita (10:08):
Yep. Only thing I think they can't prep you for and they don't try is how you're going to feel emotionally about a part of your body is amputated, and that's really what it is. You can call it a mastectomy, but it's a form of amputation. It's something that had to be removed to save your life. That's exactly what it is.

Kristen (10:32):
Are you comfortable talking about those emotions that you have?

Tita (10:35):
Yeah, sure. I don't know if I faced them completely because I haven't seen it really. I'm still in recovery, so I haven't had the chance to just go and go, wow, okay. I did look at it with my shirt off and I didn't cry. I didn't feel a sense of loss. It just feels different. It just feels, I think I'm just kind of one of those people where I try to just be like, okay, this is how it is. So it is how it is, and if you want to cry about it, cry about it. If you want to feel hurt about it, feel hurt about it, but whatever that is, then let it go because you're not changing, this can't be reversed.

Kristen (11:24):
Right.

Tita (11:24):
And it's for your life. I mean, there's a lot of people that are obese and really could make the change to not be that so that they could possibly not have other circumstances that could affect their bodies, affect their lives going forward. And they could make these changes probably if they wanted to or if they needed to. It's not always so easy for the circumstances, but I'm just saying that sometimes you look in the mirror and you're carrying stuff that makes you look a certain way and you don't feel good about it, and you can make a change. This was something that I had to do in order to make sure I could live and make sure that this doesn't come back. There's some good news in all of this that came out of it, and so I'd have to talk about that first before anything else.

(12:23):
So on Friday, I met with my surgeon, and then after my surgeon, I met with my oncologist, and I remember my surgeon saying something like, yeah, they didn't detect any cancer, and she just sort of said it very cavalier. And I was like, okay. And then when my oncologist, I met with her and then half an hour later, and she came in and I said, look at you looking like a normal person. And she started laughing. She didn't have her coat on because she left it in her car by accident, her jjacket, the white coat. And so we laughed about that, and then she said, so I have some very good news. And I was like, okay. She said, the pathology just came back last night. We've been waiting for it, and it shows that you are cancer free. So yes.

Kristen (13:21):
Let's back up a little bit because there's two ways to be cancer free, removing a tumor or for there to be no cancer that was detected. So tell me more about exactly what yours was.

Tita (13:32):
Oh, it was both. It's both. It's basically there was still a small tumor there. The tumor has shrunk huge, within three months of my treatment, the tumor had shrunk, so there was no detection. The tumor was removed, and then there was no detection of cancer anywhere that is, there's no nothing.

Kristen (13:54):
Incredible

Tita (13:54):
And she said, this is unusual. She says a lot of times that they might see some residuals and you have to do radiation. So here's what she did say about radiation. She said, I want you to meet with a radiologist and just, I want him to see your pathology results and everything else. He knows the type of cancer, triple negative, and sit and talk with him, see what he thinks. He might suggest that you have a couple of weeks of radiation. He might say, no, it's not needed. But at least you meet with him and talk with him as opposed to me saying to you, this is what I want you to do.

(14:33):
And she said, he's the same radiologist that gave my mother radiation, so I highly recommend him. And I said, okay. And she said, but you are going to have at least close to a year of immunotherapy, so we want to make sure we build up your immune system and we do whatever we can to make sure that does not come back anywhere. So I'm like, Hey, I'm good with that. But when I said to her, it's unusual? I, I think I'm still in shock. I cried a little bit last night sitting on the couch when I turned off the tv, and I was just like, I don't feel like on the bed yet. And all of a sudden I just started crying and just saying my thank yous and just laying out gratitude. And it was five minutes and it was over, but when she said, yeah, you are cancer free, I just kept looking at her like a deer in headlights.

(15:27):
And I was shaking my head yes, and I had this big goofy smile on my face. I remember that. But it was surreal. It was still like wah, wah, wah, wah. You're saying that, but what's next? What do I have to do next? That's all, because with cancer, that's what it is. You do this and then it's like, okay, you got to do this next, and then you get to that point and then you got to do this next. And so it's just always a next. And so I was extremely happy. This has been a journey. And so now I told everybody, I text people, I called them people. My friends were, some were just crying, some were just so happy. And one friend today called me, this was right before the podcast, and she was like, I'm so happy. I cannot tell you how happy I am.

(16:21):
How are you? Are you happy? I was like, I'm the most happy and I'm the least happy. And she was just dead silent. And I said, I'm happier than anybody else can be because it's me. But also I'm still processing all of this, and it has not really hit me yet, more or less that I can actually really start saying cancer free. I don't have to, I said, it's a switch of how you think, and only it's been less than 24 hours since I got the news. So you all are more happy in some ways than I am by showing your jubilation. I'm not really there yet.

Kristen (17:10):
The thing is, you were talking about how with cancer, it's just like from the second you get a diagnosis, you're in action mode. It's this, this, this, this, this, this. And it's like not only is your mind trying to catch up with what's going on and what everybody is telling you, but as soon as you get into that labyrinth of care and of diagnosis, and then chemo starts, and it's like this appointment, this appointment, you do this, do this, do this, do this. And it's literally trying to stay alive and breathe for that period of time. And now it's not even 24 hours since you've had this news that, oh, guess what? We accomplished it. The cancer's gone. You're cancer free. By the way, everything that you went through during that time worked. So here we are.

Tita (18:03):
It's almost like when my surgeon said there was no sign of cancer, the way that she said, it was almost like, are you going to get an Uber to leave? It wasn't like said in this, Hey, some really good news.

Kristen (18:15):
Ta-ta-ta.

Tita (18:15):
Right. Drum roll, please. It was not like she was just taking out the tubes and doing all this and no, yeah, there was no cancer. And it's like, it didn't even make sense to me what she was actually saying. When my oncologist came in, she was so happy and so thrilled and just good news. And I was like, oh shit.

Kristen (18:42):
Well, your oncologist is the one that prescribed and monitored the chemo. So it's kind of like the Super Bowl final play, the Hail Mary, it wasn't a Hail Mary, but the play worked and we won. And so what comes to mind for me, because this chemo shit really is a journey. First of all, has your perspective on chemo changed?

Tita (19:08):
No, I think it's still horrible. I think it's still disgusting. I'm still having some levels of neuropathy in my toes and my fingers. I'm taking vitamin B every day, and it seems like it might be getting better. I'm going to do some acupuncture. My toes just look horrible. I look like something out of a freaking Planet of the Apes movie or something. They look disgusting to me, but that's the least of my worries. But I still think at this point, I wish they could find something else to kill these cancer cells than chemo. It is brutal. It is literally brutal.

Kristen (19:47):
But to state the obvious, it saved your life.

Tita (19:49):
Yeah, it did. It did. And it takes a piece of your life with it.

Kristen (19:54):
Oh, you could see my face right now, 2000%. I'm not minimizing it, you know if anybody's not minimizing it.

Tita (20:02):
You're able to live, but it takes a piece of your life.

Kristen (20:05):
Right. And that's where people say, at least you're alive. That's what I get. And I'm like, but do you have any idea? I can never run a marathon again. There are pieces of my body that, I mean, it's not because I had a reconstruction, it's because it's the state of my body. And pre-cancer, I was getting ready to run a half marathon.

Tita (20:26):
The thing that I'll say that maybe some people can understand is there are a lot of people who didn't live through Covid. One minute they were there, one minute they were not. There are a lot of people that still have health effects from Covid who, yeah, at least they're alive, but they can't do this anymore. They can't do that anymore. They have a bad cough for the rest of their life. They have this, they have that. So to just say at least you're alive, yeah, you're grateful for being able to still be alive and still see your family and maybe still go places and do things, but just like Covid, it takes a piece of your life away from you. Maybe it's not you physically, it didn't do that to me, I did have covid, but I lost friends, so it did take a piece of life away from me. So it's sort of ignorant to say, well, at least you are alive. Chemo, and this whole process takes something away from you. And I think the only way you gain something to fill it back to me is spiritually. You have to find something spiritually to replace some of the things that have been taken away from you. Because in a long way, emotionally, you, forget about what you're just going through physically, you're going through fucking hell emotionally as well.

Kristen (21:55):
And I feel like when you're talking about that, I mean, I think the spirituality and service go hand in hand. And I think that by you sharing your story also and helping other people, that's definitely something that's going to fill a teensy piece of a void. And so that's one thing that I'm hoping that your gracious contribution in sharing your story and being here and us being able to talk to people, and family members with the podcast following along, to maybe understand a little bit about how to help what your loved ones are going through. Or if you're going through cancer yourself and you're listening to this, that you're not alone in this, that we get it. And that it's normal for other people to not get it.

Tita (22:43):
Yeah. It's like you're not alone, but there is a sense of loneliness that you feel, because no one can be in your body. No one knows how you feel when you are trying to control nausea or you're just out of breath and you're tired and your body parts starting to hurt you, maybe having some joint pains and stuff. They can say, what can I get you? What can I do for you? But it's like, well, can you just take this chemo out of my body right now? And take the cancer with it while you're at it? That's really what you want.

Kristen (23:15):
That's really what you want. Well, I am so happy that this piece is behind you and that you're healing so well and that there was no cancer. That the chemo, as ridiculous as it is, it did its job.

Tita (23:32):
And I think what she was saying was she was surprised is there was no detection of micro cells.

Kristen (23:38):
Oh, in the rest of the tissue.

Tita (23:40):
Right. That's why she was very, she said, it's really, really unusual. It's like no detection. Yes, the tumor was removed, but there was no detection of micro cells anywhere.

Kristen (23:53):
Well, and I don't think that people really know, when you hear about pathology report, you hear that a lot. Grey's Anatomy. But what they really do is they take all that tissue that was removed and they cut it up into little teeny canisters and they test every piece, every micro, micro piece, and they test it, and then each of those has a report. And so literally all the tissue in your chest was looked at and there was no cancer cells whatsoever.

Tita (24:26):
And there was a lymph node that was removed on the left side, not the right side, just the left and the same thing.

Kristen (24:33):
Perfect. I love hearing that.

Tita (24:35):
So she was basing what she was telling me off of the pathology report.

Kristen (24:41):
Right, exactly. Well, I love you and I am so dang happy. I can't even tell you.

Tita (24:48):
Thank you. Yes, I'm too. This has been a journey. I've really enjoyed going through this journey with you.

Kristen (24:55):
Same. You know, it's like the club you never want to be part of, and it's the reason that we met. It's never a reason you want to meet, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Tita (25:04):
Yeah.

Kristen (25:05):
Well, I'm going to check in with you again soon and we'll be talking and just so excited.

Tita (25:12):
Enjoy the journey. I don't feel like it's a destination. I just feel really feel like it's just been a journey and I'm still enjoying the journey. It's just this journey of life. So I don't want to think about a destination. I just want to just enjoy the journey of life, it's ups and downs. And having good people around you and being able to talk about things so that maybe it'll help somebody else is a beautiful thing. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell my story. It's been amazing.

Kristen (25:41):
Absolutely. I feel honored, truly.

Eva (25:45):
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Kristen (26:00):
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Eva (26:14):
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Kristen (26:23):
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Eva (26:38):
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Kristen (26:44):
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Eva (26:48):
Thanks for listening to Breast Cancer Stories. If you're facing a breast cancer diagnosis and you want to tell your story on the podcast, send an email to hello@theaxis.io. I'm Eva Sheie, your host and executive producer. Production support for the show comes from Mary Ellen Clarkson, and our engineer is Daniel Croeser. Breast Cancer Stories is a production of The Axis, theaxis.io.