Day 45: It’s Too Much [Dr. Tita Gray]

Eva Sheie (00:08):
This is a story about what happens when you have breast cancer told in real time.

Kristen (00:15):
So, hi.

Tita (00:17):
Hi, Kristen.

Kristen (00:18):
How are you Tita?

Tita (00:20):
I'm okay today. It was a very challenging week. Not good at all. Yeah.

Kristen (00:28):
Can you talk to me a little bit about that? I hate to bring it back to you, but.

Tita (00:31):
No, it's okay. This past Monday was my second time having the sort of triple four hour infusion.

Kristen (00:40):
Right, where you get all the stuff.

Tita (00:41):
Yeah. And I was good the same day, and I was good the next day, but after that it was downhill. Today is probably the first day that I'm just really up. Yesterday, maybe a little bit. I ate for the first time yesterday. I didn't eat Wednesday or Thursday. I couldn't hold anything down.

Kristen (01:02):
Okay. And that's completely different from what's happened before.

Tita (01:05):
Yeah. The first one, it had me out one day, and it was like I didn't have enough hydration. I understood I didn't manage taking something for the constipation and stuff like that, so I've gotten better. So it's been really, really, really, really manageable. But this past week it was horrible. Every symptom I could possibly imagine I was getting. My hair did fall out, which was fine, but then I had a major headache, I had, it wasn't even nausea, I was completely regurgitating and couldn't sleep, and my joints were achy. What else? What didn't happen? Yeah, it was bad.

Kristen (01:49):
I'm so sorry. So to recap a little bit for the audience is that each chemo is not the same for Tita. Do you want to talk a little bit about that? So you have several rounds.

Tita (02:00):
So I have chemo pretty much every week on a Monday since October 30th, but on October 30th and this past November 20th and December 11th, I will have triple chemo. I will have two or three types of chemo. So those days, the infusion goes for three hours. And for some reason, this go round was just debilitating. Never been this sick before. And so the good thing is that I haven't been the sick before, you know?

Kristen (02:40):
Right.

Tita (02:41):
That's the good thing about it. But I am going to talk to my doctor about it because I can't tell what's actually really going on, but what it feels like, it feels like it's too much. If I had to say, it just feels like my body is saying it's too much. That's the words I feel. That's what it's feeling like to me, because no matter what I did, anti-nausea, tons of hydration, taking the shots. Now I'm giving myself the shots and I'm taking the Zarxio. I give myself that three times a week.

Kristen (03:17):
Can you repeat that? What was it called?

Tita (03:19):
It's called Zarxio, Z-A-R-X-I-O. And it is an immune booster, so it keeps you from getting infections and things like that. So I'm doing that myself instead of going there three times a week, you don't take blood, and the needle is so thin, you barely even feel it. So yeah, so this week was very troubling and it's making me a little anxious about December 11th when I have to do this again. So I just got to talk to my doctor about what could have gone wrong. On the good side.

Kristen (03:51):
Oh yeah.

Tita (03:52):
If you have some questions to ask, I'll let you do your questions though, because there's some good stuff going on too.

Kristen (03:57):
Oh, there's some really good stuff. Yeah. So I'm so excited about that. You and I were texting on Monday and your labs were so good, and you're like, I feel strong as a horse. The immune system is really working. I feel so great. And I was so relieved. So what's really interesting, so people listening may or may not have heard this from their oncologist, I heard it from my oncologist, and it wasn't true. I heard that the first chemo, the way that you manage the first chemo is pretty much what your chemo's going to look like, which for you, the first one was all the things, all the drugs.

Tita (04:35):
Right and I was sick one day.

Kristen (04:37):
And then you had two weeks where it was, I say I have my air quotes just Taxol. And so there's just the one drug on those other weeks. And so then you have this week where you got all of them again,

Tita (04:50):
Right, correct.

Kristen (04:52):
And it was not the same as the first one. So

Tita (04:55):
No, no.

Kristen (04:56):
With this one having all the things, it could be, unfortunately, the typical chemo experience. And here's what I will say that I learned from Natasha was that she was kind of toughing it out and not getting hydration. And the people in the ER, she went to the ER finally, and the people in the ER said, don't tough it out. There are things we can do to help you feel better. And so I really want you, and you know this, but I really am reemphasizing that. And also the people out in podcast world, you don't have to tough it out. What a week, first of all. Then you kept your hair real short anyhow, and we talked about how you were feeling like there might be some that was coming out. Then the next day I see this beautiful bald picture come through my phone, and you're one of the most beautiful bald women I've ever seen.

Tita (05:51):
Thank you.

Kristen (05:51):
And you look really healthy. Can you talk a little bit about losing your hair? What was that process like? And then I think you said your barber was going to get the privilege of shaving your hair.

Tita (06:00):
Well he was, but he's in a whole nother state for Thanksgiving, and one of my best friends was going to go with me, and she was going to shave hers down to a buzz as well. However, it was coming out just there was patches. And I was like, I can't do this. I'm way too vain for that.

Kristen (06:22):
Hear you, I totally hear you.

Tita (06:23):
Okay. So I just took my clippers and just shaved it off and took the picture, and it is what it is. And honestly, two of my best friends have bald heads. I mean, they just wear bald period, two black women. And so I would be wearing it outside bald, but the problem is, is that it's getting a little bit chilly. And I'm already the type of person, even with a short haircut, when it's chilly out, my head's the first thing to get cold. So now of course it's just worse. But it wasn't devastating or anything for me. It felt procedural. It was like, okay, this is the procedure now.

Kristen (07:01):
Here we go.

Tita (07:01):
This is what we have to do here.

Kristen (07:02):
Let's check this box.

Tita (07:02):
Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Kristen (07:05):
Did you get that feeling where it felt like your head was tingling? Did you get that at all?

Tita (07:09):
I think so.

Kristen (07:11):
It's the weirdest thing.

Tita (07:12):
Yeah, I think I did. And I think it was even feeling a little sore.

Kristen (07:16):
Yeah. Yeah. The process behind all of it, I guess, is, or the medical piece behind it, is that the chemo attacks, the fast-growing cells in your body, because that's what cancer cells are. And so that's why from your digestive system, from lips to the end, get thrashed because those are fast generating as well as your hair follicles and your skin follicles. If you think about it, your skin cells up there are not feeling great because they're regenerating. And then your hair follicles at the same time. Mine just felt like I had the tightest ponytail I'd ever had.

Tita (07:56):
Yeah. It did feel tight. There was a tightness.

Kristen (07:58):
Yeah. It's something you can't even explain. Right?

Tita (08:01):
That's the best way to put it. Yeah.

Kristen (08:04):
So welcome, to the I've now been bald club club. We'll have to put some bald pictures next to each other.

Tita (08:12):
Yeah, yeah.

Kristen (08:13):
And so those of you who've been listening for a while, Natasha did the cold capping.

Tita (08:18):
And I have that too.

Kristen (08:20):
You do have that too. Okay.

Tita (08:21):
And that did actually provide relief.

Kristen (08:23):
Oh, good. Good. Okay. Good. The other thing that happened this week, I know this was the first holiday, the first Thanksgiving without your mom, right?

Tita (08:34):
Yeah. The thing for this, because of my mother being all the way on the East coast, and then she was at one point, I was in Maryland, she was in Boston, we didn't really spend Thanksgivings together very much. So I think that I didn't miss that part of it with her. I just missed getting a card or hearing her tell me happy Thanksgiving and stuff like that.

Kristen (09:01):
Her physical presence?

Tita (09:02):
Yeah, just her voice or a card or something. But I was so sick on Thanksgiving Day that just, yeah, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted her to even hear me that sick. It would've made her really depressed.

Kristen (09:19):
Yeah. Can you remind me, do you see your oncologist or your doctor each week?

Tita (09:27):
Yep. She's there every time. Yes.

Kristen (09:29):
Oh, great. So you'll get to have that conversation with her in a couple days about what can we do to feel better?

Tita (09:34):
Yes. Yeah. I'm going to just kind of say, I don't know what happened, but yeah, I don't know. It just felt like it was too much. It was just kind of like, can't we just do the regular week kind of stuff? Isn't that going to be enough? Cuz there's no lump anymore. The lump has gone.

Kristen (09:54):
Yes, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

Tita (09:56):
Yes. So on Monday morning, I mean, pretty much almost all the time, I would give myself a breast exam at least every other day. And Monday I did the same thing, and I was like, okay, where is it? So I'm pressing down and I still can't feel anything. And I was just like, oh, wow. This is where it is. I know that for sure. I'll never forget that in my life of where the lump was. And so when my doctor came to do her rounds, I told her, I said, I can't feel lump there anymore. She was like, okay, let me do a breast exam as soon as you finish your treatment. So I did and laying down, and next thing you know, she's giving me the breast exam and she's feeling all over. And I'm sort of saying to myself, well, I know she's going to feel the lump because she's a doctor, so of course she'll find something that I don't.

(10:45):
Right? And then she looked at me and she said, I can't find it. And I said, I know. And I said, here's where it was. And she was just like, oh my God, there's nothing there. And I said, I know. So we talked about when I'll probably have another biopsy and another MRI and ultrasound, and she said, yeah, we're going to get to that point where we're going to do that again. And then you talk to your surgeon and we talk about next steps.

Kristen (11:17):
Nice.

Tita (11:18):
I was just like, the fact that it was gone was just so beautiful.

Kristen (11:22):
So can you remind us too, where in the breast it was your left?

Tita (11:27):
My left breast. My left breast, yeah.

Kristen (11:30):
Yeah. And whereabouts is it?

Tita (11:31):
I would say at the top, if you were looking at my breast, it would be at one o'clock.

Kristen (11:38):
Okay.

Tita (11:39):
That's where it was. And it was like the size of a quarter.

Kristen (11:42):
Okay. That's not small. And you couldn't feel it, and then she couldn't feel it.

Tita (11:49):
Nope. And the look on her face was everything. And I'm optimistic, but I still know, I'm like, cancer's creepy, and it's weird and it can kind of do what it wants to do in a heartbeat.

Kristen (12:02):
It's sneaky.

Tita (12:04):
Mm-hmm. But I do, I'm going to just allow this moment of celebration for that small thing, and we'll see what happens. But I feel very optimistic, but I've just been telling everyone that I talk to, if you're not doing for women, if you're not doing a breast exam, you're doing yourself a disservice. There's no reason why every time when you get in the shower, literally you are not doing some sort of breast, I mean, you have to wash yourself anyway, so just feel around. Especially if you're told that you have dense tissue, then you probably need to do it even more.

Kristen (12:43):
And now, for those people out in podcast world, I found my own, before Natasha and I started and decided to record. I didn't know she had found her own.

Tita (12:54):
I found my own.

Kristen (12:55):
We're three for three girls. And so spread the news that you got to, you just have to, and it's not cliche. It's like brushing your teeth. It's that important. And with Natasha, hers went away. I mean, hers was gone too. When they went in to do a lumpectomy, they sent the pathology back. There were no cancer cells whatsoever.

Tita (13:20):
That's amazing.

Kristen (13:21):
So I want you to know that's completely possible.

Tita (13:23):
Yeah. That's awesome.

Kristen (13:24):
She did the lumpectomy anyhow, and they took the cells where they had seen it, and there was not a cancer cell to be found.

Tita (13:33):
I've been thinking a lot about it that I probably want to do the double mastectomy route.

Kristen (13:41):
Yeah. Can you talk to me about that a little bit?

Tita (13:43):
Well, honestly, I just don't want to have the probability of going through this again, and I'm not that attached to them.

Kristen (13:53):
Right?

Tita (13:54):
Yeah. I just really, I mean, I'm in my sixties. It's not, and I'm not that, as a matter of fact, I think the lesser amount is better on me. It's just sexier. I can wear my shirts the way I want. If I want, I'll get tattoos there and do something really creative, but I don't want to have to go through this again with these breasts. Nah.

Kristen (14:17):
Yeah. Okay. So on Monday you have the, air quotes again, easy chemo, and you'll have the conversation with your doctor about what's coming next. So you feel like this week has been the biggest physical challenge, and you feel emotionally?

Tita (14:36):
Oh without a doubt. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely emotionally draining. I think that when you're going through it and you're feeling that sick, you don't really feel much emotion. You just want to figure out, should I lay in bed? Should I sit up? Should I get more water? Should I drink more tea? Or as a matter of fact, I couldn't hold anything down. It was just what should I do to feel better? I couldn't do anything to figure out how to make it go away. And it was 48 hours, so it sucked.

Kristen (15:14):
Yeah.

Tita (15:15):
So my dog just laid with me. He didn't even really want to go out. He's just been amazing. He just wanted to stay by my side. Yeah.

Kristen (15:26):
Tell us her dog's name.

Tita (15:27):
Toby.

Kristen (15:28):
Toby. So sweet.

Tita (15:30):
Yeah. Toby, he's amazing.

Kristen (15:33):
I wanted to also ask you how your hands and feet are doing.

Tita (15:36):
They're doing fine actually. From what I realized with neuropathy is that usually you're sensitive to cold. And actually a cold has been making me feel better.

Kristen (15:47):
Yes. Are you finding yourself able to walk a little bit and move around and

Tita (15:52):
Oh yeah. I do, I make myself do it, honestly. And Toby likes to play as well, so as much as I can, I take him in the courtyard and just kick the ball to him. But he keeps looking at me, like you can't really get it can you

Kristen (16:07):
Aw, he knows.

Tita (16:08):
So I try in the house to play with him with his little toys and do all of that. So his energy keeps me active.

Kristen (16:18):
Yeah, that's great. I would believe that. So is it safe to say, I am just looking at the date, is it safe to say we're date-wise about halfway through?

Tita (16:29):
Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was halfway through this past Monday.

Kristen (16:32):
Yes. That's great. What have you learned about yourself in this?

Tita (16:39):
Yeah, that's a really good question. I don't know. I guess that in the spiritual sense of it, maybe somewhat religious, that overall I'm really not given more than I can handle. I do believe that, and I do believe that there is a higher purpose. We don't go through things just for naught, it's to pass on information to maybe be a part of a larger mission for people to not have cancer anymore. Maybe it is to be a part of something larger to inform about the medical dichotomy for black women and lots of others. So I am just looking at the bigger picture and not just making it about what's going on with me, but always talking about how, now, what I haven't done yet is I haven't gone on social media and said, this is what I have. I wanted it to be a little bit more private. If somebody found out this, that's fine. And if I wanted to tell somebody, but I didn't want to make it a social media spectacle because I have people on Facebook and Instagram that I barely know, and this is just too personal for me to share with people in that manner. Now, maybe afterwards I will, I will talk about it. But right now, nah.

Kristen (18:05):
It's interesting you say that because Eva I were doing the podcast from January 11th forward, and we didn't launch the podcast until, I want to say it was end of August, beginning of September. I think I was going to radiation in August when I finally put something on there about it, and it was for the same reasons. It felt like, first of all, I couldn't take anybody's judgment, and it was also, that was in my brain, it was all in my brain because all I got was love, but I didn't know what it was going to look like, and I didn't want a lot of questions. And then when I got really deep in it, I wasn't sure I was going to make it, and I just didn't know if I could handle any of that. The other thing too is I have probably like you, I have former students, and the last thing you want to do is worry those people who love you.

Tita (19:02):
Yeah and I'm a former professor as well with tons of students that I'm very close to. And yeah, I just didn't want that. Plus, I didn't know what I didn't know, and I didn't, but you know what, you remember, I think I said to you that also it started becoming with one or two people where I found myself managing their emotions, and I was like, I can't do that. I can't manage what you are feeling right now. So I didn't want to have that through social media either, because some of it isn't real.

Kristen (19:38):
Right. Yeah, absolutely. So this next week, I really want no sickness. I want no biopsies.

Tita (19:46):
Okay. All right, that works for me. Yeah. No sickness, no biopsies, no tingly, no nausea. Yeah, there you go.

Kristen (19:56):
You know what I'm looking forward to finding out too, and I know that your doctors, and I know that you'll dig into it too, is the differences between African-American women and their treatment and the cancers. Because we all know that based on different ethnicities, different cultural, not even, I wouldn't want to say cultural. That's not the right way to say it, it's just it's different ethnicities.

Tita (20:21):
Yeah. That's it.

Kristen (20:22):
Based on your genes, there really are different factors that show up.

Tita (20:26):
You introduced me to somebody, Ricky Fairley. Was it you that was telling me about her? No, it was another woman in the support group.

Kristen (20:33):
Okay.

Tita (20:34):
It's a black woman, her name is Ricky Fairley, F-A-I-R-L-E-Y. And she was a triple negative, and I reached out to her, and next thing you know, she reached, all I did was said, Hey, I was a triple negative too. She is being very proactive with making sure that black women are a part of clinical trials.

Kristen (20:54):
Ah, I love it.

Tita (20:54):
Cuz we were extremely isolated. We were very isolated from clinical trials, and how can you actually really diagnose this disease in its fullness, in its totality, if you don't have black women as part of your clinical trials? So that's literally what she has been doing. So I've been really active in just getting out there and talking to people and being a part of. So if I can be a part of clinical trials, I'm definitely going to do it as well. Yep.

Kristen (21:25):
I love that. I love that. So, okay, we're going to have a good week, girl.

Tita (21:30):
We are, we are.

Eva Sheie (21:33):
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