Sept. 19, 2024
162 Transforming Grief Into Growth with Denise Dielwart
Grief is a complex and often overwhelming experience that many of us will face at some point in our lives. In this episode, we delve into the intricacies of grieving and healing with Denise Dielwart, an international grief specialist.
Denise experienced this profound loss firsthand after the sudden passing of her husband. After trying many methods that were not working, Denise sought a path to healing that led to the creation of the FLOW Grief Release Method—a transformative approach to moving through grief with grace and ease.
With over 15 years of experience, she has guided thousands to reclaim their lives from grief, using her unique FLOW method that dramatically shortens the healing process from years to months. Denise's groundbreaking approach challenges the traditional stages of grief, and waiting for time, offering a lifeline to those who feel stuck and hopeless.
Her FLOW method isn’t just about coping—it's about transforming your life and rediscovering joy in a way that's both profound and lasting.
Together, we explore the cultural discomfort around discussing grief and the importance of reconnecting with oneself to rediscover joy.
Schedule Your FREE Introductory Coaching Call with Denise This isn't just a call—it's the beginning of a new chapter. Discover how the FLOW Grief Release Method can empower you or enable you to empower others. Connect with Denise and start reimagining a future filled with happiness and meaning.
https://www.flowgriefacademy.com/talk
Website: https://www.flowgriefacademy.com/
https://www.facebook.com/griefunlocked
I am your host Carol Clegg. I work with midlife women coaches to balance their personal and professional lives, manage stress, cultivate self-empathy, and set meaningful goals that resonate with their unique coaching practices. My approach includes a detailed accountability framework to track your growth and keep you motivated. Are you ready to bring a sense of ease and flow into your life?
If you would like to take the complimentary Saboteur assessment to discover what gets in your way and then follow up with a complimentary coaching session to explore your results. Take your assessment here or visit carolclegg.com
BOOK your ✅ 30 minute complimentary exploration call HERE
Connect on LinkedIn and Instagram or join my LinkedIn Group Creative Ideas for Women Business Owners
I am your host Carol Clegg. As a small business coach, I partner with women solopreneurs in midlife, to confidently step out of overwhelm and create a fresh path to success through tailored accountability and mindset coaching, integrated with the powerful Positive Intelligence program. Struggling with procrastination, finding balance in your business and personal life, and cultivating a positive mindset?
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Chapters
00:00 - Transforming Grief Into Growth
04:08 - Navigating Grief and Finding Healing
17:57 - Healing Grief
26:06 - Empowerment and Healing Through Grief
Transcript
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Well, hello and welcome to Connect, inspire, create.
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I'm your host, carol Clegg, a progress and mindset business coach, here to help you thrive and flourish and turn those challenges into opportunities for growth.
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I'm so pleased you're here.
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Join me for the discussions that I hope will not only encourage you but also provide the dose of inspiration that you might just need today.
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This podcast is all about giving you your weekly dose of practical strategies, motivation and insightful conversations designed to boost your business skills, personal growth and happiness.
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So, whether you're looking to find balance, say goodbye to procrastination, or just in need of a friendly nudge towards your goals, remember we're all on this journey together.
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So grab your favorite cup of something, be it coffee, tea or something else, and let's dive into this conversation today.
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Thank you everybody for listening to the show today and welcome.
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Joining me today is my guest, denise Dilwart, an international grief specialist, and while grief and the loss of a loved one is a heavy subject that not everybody is comfortable with, it is a life-changing event that can either stop us from living or, like in Denise's case, propelled her forward into growth and renewal and creating what we're going to talk about now a variety of ways to support you on that journey.
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So Denise experienced this profound loss firsthand.
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After the sudden passing of her husband and, as she shared, after trying many methods that were not working, denise sought a path to healing.
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That then led to the creation of the flow grief release method, a transformative approach to moving through grief with grace and ease.
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And, as Denise says, she likes to approach the challenges of the traditional stages of grief and not just accept that.
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You have to wait for time, and we were briefly chatting about this before we hit record and we're going to dig into that a little bit more.
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Welcome, denise.
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Thank you for joining me.
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Thank you so much, carol, for having me here and, you know, giving me the opportunity to rattle the cage, a bit about grief and what society expects us people that have lost someone to do when we've, you know, to go through the five stages of grief.
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Wait for time, it'll happen, don't worry, it just doesn't work.
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It doesn't work.
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Yeah, I agree with you.
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And then, wrapped around that often from the cultural side, comes that we don't talk about this, we don't know what to say, we're going to say the wrong thing.
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But yeah, we've absolutely heard that.
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And the interesting thing is I even find myself sometimes not knowing how to say the right thing, even though I too have experienced a tragic loss in our lives.
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But as you begin to dig into the flow method and as you said, it's not just about coping and that's what we want our listeners to know that it is more than in life.
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Just, you don't have to just cope.
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We want you to find a way to reconnect to yourself and to bring back some of that joy and to know that our loved ones would want that for us, they'd want that joy.
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So just asking you as we dig into this um concept that I'm sure well, I know you felt that because you've shared that and I did too is that everybody around me is just getting on with their lives.
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And how am I supposed to live my life now, for you without your husband and for us without my son?
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Can you just share a little bit more about that feelings and just help let other people relate to that journey?
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Absolutely Like you.
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You lost your son suddenly, I lost my husband suddenly and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you've lost that person suddenly or not.
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Death is final.
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There's no goodbyes.
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There's goodbyes.
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If there's anything you didn't say, it's too late.
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There's that cliche know, there's that cliche that the silence, death is silence.
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The silence of death, it's deathly silence.
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But unless you've actually experienced that, it is absolutely silence.
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Yes, people come and rally around you in initial stages and, oh, you know, if there's anything I can do, let me know.
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And then you look at them and you go.
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You know there's certain things you have to do, certain people you have to do, certain people you have to contact, and everybody's laughing and carrying on and eating lunch and meeting each other.
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And you're looking at them, going.
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What's your problem?
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Don't you know that I've just lost somebody so special?
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I lost my husband, you know, don't you know?
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The world has stopped, my world has stopped, and that creates what I call la la land.
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Right, we are completely in la la land.
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We feel as though we're walking outside of our body and we're looking.
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It's a real feeling.
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The only way I can describe that feeling is I'm walking next to me, looking at me, looking around at the world.
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Everything's moving forward, everything's going on.
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The birds are singing, the sun is shining or it's raining or whatever, but I'm stuck in this like vortex almost, of if this is not happening.
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This is not true.
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As you're sharing.
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That sort of it takes me back all the way and I I almost think you want to put a t-shirt on that shouts it out yes, to say I'm not with you, I'm not in this world.
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Can you come and step into my world just for a moment?
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and they can't that's right, that's exactly right.
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It's the most misunderstood death is them, and grief with the loss of a loved one is the most misunderstood emotion, because nobody talks about it, nobody wants to face that one day we're all going to die, all of us, every single one of us.
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It's inevitable.
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We are born and we die.
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But in between these, that that always life is a dash.
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In between.
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How are we living our life?
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In between, in that dash, and when we experience the profound loss of a loved one, we die.
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We actually die part of us certainly does absolutely yeah, so it's not just oh well, I'll start a new chapter.
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We have to start a new book, a whole new book, because they're entering into uncharted territories without that person, without our loved one it's huge and denise, I know.
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You know, when I read your story, my goodness me, my heart goes out.
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You and your husband met.
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You were so young.
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I was 16.
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It was my friend's 16th birthday party.
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Joey, she's living in Holland at the moment and we were the best of buddies.
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We met at Sunday school and we sort of I don't know how I never met him anyway, because she sort of had this other side of friends that she used to hang around with that I never met.
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And it was her 16th birthday party and there was this guy just looking at me, staring at me, and I thought what are you looking at?
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16 year old, right, yeah, we ended up getting married.
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I was only 19, going on 20 when we got married and he never proposed to me.
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We just got married.
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So, yeah, I always giggle.
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You know I've never been proposed to you.
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Just watch the romantic movies.
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It's like I've never been proposed you just set the date and on, would you go?
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yeah and that's how our life, that is how we actually lived our life.
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We just were together, we just became one person.
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We worked together, we lived together, we started new lives together in Australia.
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We were together 24-7.
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Wow, and I mean for you.
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I know that you spoke in those early days to where you are now and I know that you look at that as a gift as to where you are now and what's the journey that you've been on.
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But how did you cope in those early days with those overwhelming emotions?
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Oh, my goodness, I just went into a soldier-on mode.
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You know, the soldier-on, just soldier-on, soldier-on, soldier-on.
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You'll be.
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Soldier on, just soldier on.
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Soldier on, soldier on, you'll be okay, just soldier on.
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I, in my previous life I'd always talk about my previous life because it was my previous life in my previous life I was a bookkeeper and tax agent to small business.
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That's what I did.
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Martin was an electrician, so we both worked from home, so I just carried on doing that.
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I had to shut his business down, obviously, but I just carried on doing that.
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I had to shut his business down, obviously, but I just carried on balancing books.
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And I don't know how the hell I did it.
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I honestly don't know how I did it, but I did.
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And so my kids said to me mom, you're losing your mind, you're getting Alzheimer's, and I was only 51.
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And they said you're eating things.
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You've told us that story a hundred times.
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And then I started noticing that I was losing things.
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I put my keys down.
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One day we had a parrot, a galah, which is a pink and gray parrot native to Australia, called called bird, and it was a.
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It was a hot day, it was a a 40 degree Celsius day, which is in the hundreds in Fahrenheit, and I was on my way out to a bookkeeping client and I thought, oh, I better give him some food and some water, especially water.
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But I had my briefcase, my glasses and my keys in my hand and I put my briefcase down, my sunglasses and my keys down.
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Fed bird gave him water and then couldn't find my keys or my sunglasses, my briefcase, me water and then couldn't find my keys.
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All my sunglasses, my briefcase was there but I couldn't find my keys.
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So eventually I'm running late now and I'm anarchy oh, my goodness, I've got to get to my appointment.
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So I grabbed my spare keys and that's when it hit me.
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It was three months later.
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I found them on top of the TV.
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That is just, you know.
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It's quite incredible because without your children pointing out to you that mom, hang on a minute, um, this isn't the way you should be at this age, and then realizing that our brains and trying to cope with grief when we suppress it and push it down and don't acknowledge and just try and hide in the busyness of work and I I also think of men when they, you know, we women are often given space to grieve, yeah, but men certainly soldier on and carry on.
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So that in itself is a whole other conversation.
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But did this become the turning point that you realized that you needed to search for a solution?
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Yeah.
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So my daughter actually made me an appointment with my doctor because I was totally in denial.
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I'm fine, I can do this, I'm strong.
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Look at me, I'm still working, you know, and I think we all revert to that because it's a coping mechanism.
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That's all it is.
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I saw my doctor, who referred me to a psychologist.
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I was seeing this beautiful woman who became a friend of mine for at least six months.
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So eventually I said to her when am I going to start feeling better?
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We have an amazing chat, we drink coffee, we talk.
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I feel so much better with you when I'm here, but the minute I get in the car and I head on home, I go down again.
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I can't keep doing this.
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When am I going to start feeling better?
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When am I going to get?
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over this feeling.
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It's exhausting.
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It is exhausting, but that was my pivot, that was another pivotal moment in time and I just am so grateful to her for what she said to me.
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She said to me Denise, you've just lost your husband.
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It's only been six months.
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You need to slow down, you need to wait for time and you need to slow down, you need to wait for time and you need to go through the five stages of grief and that's going to take you between five and seven years.
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Well, that shocked my system, because that's not who I am, that's not who Martin was.
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And I'll tell you what.
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On the way home, I used some choice four letter words to the steering wheel in the car.
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Thank goodness nobody was with me, because that's when I realized I can't wait for five to seven years.
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It's not gonna, it's not gonna happen and we're not even guaranteed those who knows that's right.
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Who knows if I'm even gonna be here?
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I need to live my life and I also needed to live Martin's legacy.
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That's huge when you know you're not living life for them, you're living life for yourself, but they leave a lasting legacy of love absolutely, and so how did that you'll have to share unfold into where you are now today, and you developed the flow method.
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How quickly did that come to you?
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What was the journey to find?
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discovering that the journey to that is.
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I still soldiered on, but in the back of my head I knew I had to do something different.
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And the next day, the very next day it's amazing how the universe works the very next day I went and saw a new client.
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Obviously she didn't know my husband had just passed away or anything, because she doesn't tell people these things, she doesn't walk in and say no, no, no you're professional, and they were a work from home business and she, they were a young family that had three or four kids snotty noses, nappies everywhere, um, mess in the dining room, total chaos and chaos as well.
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So walking and I think, oh, no, anyway, and I'm working through, and I spent the whole day there trying to balance their books and I did the best I could with what I had, because she gave me a shoebox of just receipts and every receipt.
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I asked her what was this for?
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What was this purchase for?
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Why did you draw money out of the ATM?
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Do you know what it was for?
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And she would just stand there going.
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I don't know, I don't know.
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And I got home that night and I just threw my laptop, literally just threw it across the room and I just collapsed and I thought I can't do this anymore.
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I cannot do this anymore.
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I'm pushing.
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I felt as I was pushing a wheelbarrow of rocks uphill and it had a flat tire and I'm trying to push this and eventually trying to pull it, trying to push it, trying to, you know, and these rocks just got heavier and heavier.
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I actually wiped myself out that night with wine.
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I just drank and drank and drank and drank until I collapsed.
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I just passed out, woke up in the morning and I went oh my God, martin would not want to see you like this.
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This was my first thought.
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He's probably up there going.
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What the hell are you doing, woman, you know?
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And I thought I can't live like this.
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And that was my pivotal point.
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I opened up my laptop and I thought oh, I know I'll become a life coach Now.
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The life coach journey was for me to heal it so often is Denise, when you share that oh me to heal.
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It so often is denise.
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When you share that, oh my goodness, it so often is.
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I didn't want to help anybody.
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I wasn't capable of helping myself, so that wasn't.
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That didn't enter my my mind at all.
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It was not in my radar, but I knew I'd get the tools to help myself.
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Along the way, I rediscovered who I am.
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I started to love myself.
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I did a lot of inner work and I healed really quickly.
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I really did.
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I moved forward really quickly.
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I had clarity, I had vision, I knew where I was going, I knew what I wanted to do with my life.
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And then I started being a business coach, because that's where I was.
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Well, it ties into the accounting, doesn't it?
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And doing the bookkeeping and what you know.
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That's right.
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So I was business coaching and telling people how they could make profits and where they're losing money and their mindset around business all that type of thing.
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Every time, somebody would say to me why aren't you helping people in grief?
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Look how beautifully you've healed yourself.
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No, not gonna go there, don't want to do that.
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Done that I've done, I've walked my journey.
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I just can't go there.
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And this continued for a couple of months until one day I woke up and I went.
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I had this compelling you've got to work with grief.
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I just heard this voice it's like you've got to work with people.
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I just heard this voice.
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It's like you've got to work with people in grief.
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So I opened up my laptop and I said okay, universe, you want me to work with people in grief, show me how.
00:16:28.703 --> 00:16:30.519
And that was how my journey started.
00:16:30.519 --> 00:16:35.985
And here I am Still working with people in grief, changing lives.
00:16:35.985 --> 00:16:53.609
I now have my academy as well, where I teach people my flow method so they can help others move forward in grief, because it's such a taboo subject in society Nobody wants to talk about.
00:16:53.609 --> 00:16:56.059
You know, sex and grief those two go together.
00:16:56.059 --> 00:16:56.903
You don't speak about sex.
00:16:56.903 --> 00:16:58.655
You don't speak about grief, right?
00:17:00.220 --> 00:17:03.187
Absolutely no, and it needs to be.
00:17:03.187 --> 00:17:16.222
I mean, and it's so much you know, it's even so much more than that, because if you're sharing this, you know with us losing our son, we have a daughter, and she and her brother were incredibly close, yeah, and so she's had her own journey.
00:17:16.222 --> 00:17:24.059
And then the interesting thing from losing a child, you know from parents, is everybody comes to support the parents and they forget about the siblings.
00:17:24.059 --> 00:17:26.500
Yes, you know so.
00:17:26.500 --> 00:17:31.431
It's just all these different dynamics and that it needs to be spoken about.
00:17:31.853 --> 00:17:46.744
Absolutely, it needs to be you know, put out there on the table, and also the grace that if somebody does want to support you they might not say the right thing, but it's the fact that they're actually there to listen and to be genuine, to be authentic about.
00:17:46.744 --> 00:17:56.505
But on the other side of that, it's also I'm wanting others who are listening to be encouraged to pull the blanket over your head and just it's awful.
00:17:56.505 --> 00:17:59.222
There's no other word to describe.
00:17:59.222 --> 00:18:02.083
I mean, there aren't even the right words to describe.
00:18:02.083 --> 00:18:09.979
But we can heal, we can search, we can learn, and then our loved ones want that for us.
00:18:11.132 --> 00:18:18.474
And there's the key we can heal, we can learn, because grief never heals.
00:18:18.474 --> 00:18:21.256
Right, that grief never heals.
00:18:21.256 --> 00:18:22.214
Now you know?
00:18:22.214 --> 00:18:25.715
You see all these memes about grief never heals and the pain lasts forever.
00:18:25.715 --> 00:18:27.596
No, the pain doesn't last forever.
00:18:27.596 --> 00:18:33.257
The grief is the loss, it's the loneliness, it's the emptiness, it's that there's a void.
00:18:33.257 --> 00:18:40.601
There will always be a void for that, for, whether it's like your son or my husband, that void will always be there.
00:18:40.601 --> 00:18:42.757
But how are you filling that void?
00:18:42.757 --> 00:18:46.340
Are you filling that void with pain or love, right?
00:18:46.789 --> 00:18:48.095
I like that the love.
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:50.163
That's the key.
00:18:50.163 --> 00:18:55.880
That's the key to be able to look back and go, oh my goodness, we had so much fun.
00:18:55.880 --> 00:18:57.025
And remember the good times.
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Remember the bad times too.
00:18:57.607 --> 00:18:59.012
I mean martin and I grew up together.
00:18:59.012 --> 00:19:01.380
I mean there were times I wanted to physically kill him.
00:19:01.380 --> 00:19:07.973
You know roses, lollipops and unicorns.
00:19:07.973 --> 00:19:09.234
We had our times.
00:19:09.234 --> 00:19:14.459
But I can look back on those times now and go, wow, you know, I remember that so well.
00:19:14.459 --> 00:19:17.381
And then go, gee, how stupid I was or how stupid he was.
00:19:17.381 --> 00:19:24.605
Or remember the good times when the chair leg broke and it went flying and I have a good giggle about that.
00:19:25.086 --> 00:19:37.336
That's funny, you share about it and even now you and I are smiling that people can't see us, they can only listen, but they're big smiles on both of our faces and I remember and I'm sure you do the first smile after losing our son and going.
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