174 Transform Your Story into Strength with Megan Bunnell

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Well, hello and welcome to Connect, Inspire, Create.

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I'm your host, Carol Clegg, a progress and mindset business coach, here to help you thrive and flourish and turn those challenges into opportunities for growth.

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This podcast is all about giving you your weekly dose of practical strategies, motivation and insightful conversations designed to boost your business skills, personal growth and happiness.

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So, whether you're looking to find balance, say goodbye to procrastination or just in need of a friendly nudge towards your goals, remember we're all on this journey together.

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Well, hello and welcome.

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Everybody from a very snowy winter wonderland in New Mexico, quite unexpected, very early, but very beautiful, and thank you for just joining us today.

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Listening into this conversation, which I am feeling really so good about, it's just kind of feeling it in my body and I want to ask you are you ready to explore how to stop listening to the toddler inside you and step into emotional adulthood?

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Toddler inside you and step into emotional adulthood.

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Well, welcome to my guest today, Megan Bunnell of Tantalum Coaching.

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Hi, Megan.

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Well, hello, Carol, it's lovely to reconnect again.

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I had the pleasure of being a guest on Megan's podcast, so you do want to make sure to check that out.

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I'll have that in the show notes for you as well, but let me Megan if you don't mind, tell my listeners a little bit about you.

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Yeah, absolutely so.

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My name is Megan Bunnell and I am the owner and head coach of Tantalum Coaching.

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It's just a general life coach company where we really help to identify that toddler in your backseat and have him or her stop chirping so that you can come into emotional adulthood, the idea being that you can level up, become the next best version of yourself and really feel comfortable and happy in your life, exactly where it is, while you're reaching and working towards those goals that you want to achieve.

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I love that, and one of the things I took out of your bio which I think I just want to invite our listeners to just contemplate and think about this for a moment is that you're no stranger to life struggles and you have certainly wanting to put out there and help people rewrite their story.

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And this is the part that I love where you say so that your struggles are merely stepping stones on your journey to success.

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And I just invite everybody, just for a brief second, just to close their eyes and to just visualize that these are stepping stones in front of us and that you can move forward and just let that settle into your body, that gift of stepping stones.

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So, megan, I'd love to just ask you, before we get started and dig into putting this toddler in the back seat and giving it a name, tell us about that quickly.

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I mean, I know you said you name yours.

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Yeah.

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So we all have that voice in our head that isn't serving us and I liken that to a toddler and I'm sure that we'll get into that, but I have found that actually naming it gives you almost a tangible way to say no, I hear you, you can sit down.

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Those are not the thoughts and the feelings that I'm going to choose to have right now, and I've named mine Brittany.

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I apologize, listeners, if any of your names are Brittany.

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I actually think that's a beautiful name.

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It is and that's I choose to love my toddler and so that's why I named her Brittany and I can just tell her Brittany, sit down, I hear you.

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Not right now.

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Yeah, yeah, that word love, it's been definitely.

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It's so important because it doesn't have to be negative.

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But before we go there, I'm going to ask you something fun.

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Yes, if you could instantly master any skill or hobby, completely unrelated to what you do, what do you think that might be if you were just given the freedom?

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That's a really good question.

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I think if you asked me at a different time in my life it would not be this, but right now my kids constantly are asking me to draw them something.

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So, mom, can you draw me an elephant?

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Mom, can you help me with this project?

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I need to draw this and I am not a very great artist.

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I try and I love my art, but it's perhaps not loved by everybody, and I wish I just had that automatic way to picture something in my brain and then put it down on paper.

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I can copy pretty good, but I would love to just be able to picture something in my brain and then put it down on paper.

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I can copy pretty good, but I would love to just be able to picture something and have that flow through my fingers, and I don't have that skill.

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So if I could snap my fingers, and make that happen?

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I would Instantly.

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And creativity, isn't that such a gift?

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That's something that we need absolutely to spend time in that zone.

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But let's move on to this.

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Having this toddler that you know sort of likes to direct us and, as you say, you know she belongs or he belongs to me as well in the backseat and not with the steering wheel.

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Yes, so we talk about sort of you've mentioned, you know peace of mind or freedom by stepping into emotional adulthood.

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Yes, so before we dive into this, could you just kind of give this toddler and emotional adulthood?

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What is the bridge?

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Yeah.

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So I think a little bit of background to that first is, so often we are uncomfortable with emotions that come up that are negative, right, but life really is 50-50.

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And so it really is 50% a positive experience and 50% a negative experience.

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But what we tend to do is take those negative emotions and either get defensive or push them down or avoid them because they're painful and that's where your toddler really comes in.

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So our toddlers have no idea how to process right all of these emotions and thoughts that they have, and so they spit out these thoughts or these outbursts, based on being uncomfortable, not getting what they want, not wanting to feel how they're feeling, and it doesn't serve us and in fact usually it's causing us to go off track to where we really want to go, the journey that we're on.

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And so being able to recognize those outbursts, thoughts, feelings that are coming from that fearful you know, avoiding pain, toddler inside and recognizing they're not wrong, and that's important, loving those emotions loving those feelings, those thoughts, but recognizing that isn't serving me and that isn't helping me, and even if it's true, there's another truth that can serve me better, that I can give airspace and action to.

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And so you had talked about those struggles, you know, being stepping stones.

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That really is that shift is recognizing.

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You can look at it like a struggle and avoid it and be scared and, you know, crawl into a hole, or you can look at it as there is something that I can do in this moment that's going to help propel me forward to where I want to go, and approach it that way, and so that's kind of the difference between the two is that one is pretty scared, painful.

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and the other one that says okay, it is what it is Now what can I do about it?

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And you did speak about the fact that I was reading on your bio of switching from this primitive brain to the logical brain.

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And how does one?

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Is there a technique to kind of hack this and going I recognize this kiddo and I'd like to shift, because I know that I need to shift?

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Yeah, yeah.

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So to kind of cover that in a very quick nutshell, there really are two pieces of your brain that both are working to process and make decisions in your life, right.

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So one of them, I call it the primitive brain, and its only purpose in life is to avoid pain, to seek pleasure and to be efficient.

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And think of it like the software that's in your computer it's just automatically doing what you've programmed it to do, and that's your subconscious, and it's very quick at working.

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That's why, when you get into a situation, you instantly feel defensive or you're instantly get hurt, or you instantly are scared.

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Right, the logical brain, which is your prefrontal cortex, is much slower but much more capable of processing things in a way that serves you in a logical way, and so, switching that, I actually created a tool that can help you figure out if you're focusing or if you're allowing your primitive brain to work for you, or if you're giving your logical time, logical brain time to kick in, and I call it STEER, hence steering your life and getting the toddler out of the backseat.

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Okay, and all what that stands for is situation and then thought, and then emotion, and then effort, and then results.

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So, steer, and the deal is that all situations are neutral, a hundred percent, they are void of any emotion, they are void of any thought, they're just black and white.

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But then we think right.

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And it takes over.

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Here we go, and so when we have a thought, it colors that situation and it spurs your emotions, right, right.

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Well, based on those emotions, you put forth a specific effort or lack of effort, and then that yields your results.

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Well, if you take all those many results of all these situations that are going on in our life, it really weaves together a tapestry of your life.

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And if you're not happy with that tapestry, what you need to do is start with those thoughts and those emotions and your efforts, because that changes your results, which then, in turn, changes that tapestry, and so you can lay that model out.

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I mean, I literally have a notepad that I just do this your model on over and over again.

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Anytime I either don't like my results or I don't like how I feel about something, there's always another thought that you can try on.

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That is also true, but that serves you and gets you the results that you want.

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And I think of my thoughts like shoes.

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So I love shoes and they're you know, all my shoes are great and they're all true, and they're all right there, but they don't all match the outfit that I'm going to put on today.

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And so if I put on a pair of shoes and they don't quite fit the outfit, I don't hate those shoes, but they're not serving my outfit, so I take them off and I put on a different pair until I find one that gives me the exact look that I'm looking for.

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This is the same thing.

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So if you have a situation, you can have a true thought, but it isn't getting you the results that you want or isn't making you feel the way that you want to feel, and I always love to give really like simple examples of this.

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So my husband I love him so dearly.

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He's I in my phone.

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He's literally most amazing man, um, but he has this tendency to leave his shoes out like all over the house, like wherever he takes them off, that's just where they live, and it drives me nuts because he knows where his shoes go and he is a grown man, right.

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Well, that doesn't serve me, because now I'm just living in frustration about why this is what I want.

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Every time you see these shoes.

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Right.

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I don't like that because now I'm resentful and frustrated and it's not going to change unless he chooses to change it.

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I don't have control over that.

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So instead I can have a thought.

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There's lots of thoughts you can think about it, but the one that I've come on that empowers me and makes me giggle a little bit and then just allows that frustration to melt away is this man is so lucky to have me Love it.

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And there's lots of thoughts you can have, right.

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You can have thoughts like I have time to put it away, not a big deal.

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You can have thoughts like maybe we can work together to find a way that he can do that.

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But what I've found because it takes me 10 seconds to go put his shoes away is what a lucky man he is to have this fabulous woman that's willing to pick up his shoes and go put them away.

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And now I feel special and I feel empowered and I'm not at all frustrated.

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It really makes me kind of turn that into a love of myself.

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That might not be a thought that people want to have.

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They might be like no, I just want my husband to pick up his shoes, right, but the original thought of why can't he pick up his shoes and just put them away?

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That isn't serving me and the result of the marriage, yeah.

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So you've recognized that and that's what I love about that is just that you know it brings a smile to your face, so that brings joy and happiness.

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You're releasing it and letting it go.

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And then there's a little touch of celebration in there that you didn't allow that negative balloon, negative thought, negative cloud to hang over you and disrupt your day.

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And it's so.

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You know, even just you doing that just makes me realize how important it is to catch that and then celebrate it.

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And even if that is just a smile I mean it could be a body movement, you could move your hands up and down, do a little dance on the spot but that positivity just feeds all the way.

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But it takes that intentional switch right because my initial reaction, my primitive brain, is like pick up your darn shoes right, absolutely, and that's when pause.

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Yeah, and you recognize this is not gonna serve me.

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What's?

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another way, and I think, even when you say that pause which we all need to remember to do when we're flooded and overwhelmed, and then the simple thing of breathing and just grounding ourselves just for a moment.

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It doesn't take more than 10 seconds.

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You don't have to go into this 15 or 30 minute meditation.

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It's 10 seconds and you can take it with you anywhere, no matter where you are.

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So yeah, our breath is a gift.

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It is 10 seconds, you can take it with you anywhere, no matter where you are.

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So, yeah, our breath is a gift.

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It is 10 seconds, a deep breath or two, and that allows your logical brain to kick in and pick a thought.

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Pick a pair of shoes.

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I love the analogy of the shoes shared, that we're going to look at some tools that you've spoken about for self-coaching that anybody can bring into their lives, into everyday practice.

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And I mean we've spoken about this one in a sense, but are there any other sort of specific exercises or maybe mental habits or journaling techniques or something that people could try straight away as a self-coaching tool?

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Absolutely so.

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That's one thing that as a coach and I'm not sure if all coaches feel this way, but my goal when I'm coaching someone is really to have them fire me as quickly as possible.

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What I want is I want to give them the tools, teach them, help them, apply them in a couple different situations to where they feel like they don't need me anymore and they can fly free, using all of that for the rest of their life.

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And so self-coaching to me is huge, because I don't want to coach you.

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I want to teach you how to coach yourself, and I don't want to be there with you the rest of your life.

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I'd love to be there to celebrate with you and be in your life, but I want to teach you how to fly on your own.

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One thing that I think does wonders for any situation, any struggle or even any goal that you want to achieve is to do something that I call a brain dump.

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So here's the thing when we think about any situation, any goal and we don't give ourselves dedicated, intentional space to allow our brains to really process it, those like think of it like an onion.

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That first layer is the only thing that we see, but there's so much more that you have inside of you that's wrapped up into what you do or how you feel.

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And so I always suggest to my clients to do things, that to do something called a brain dump and ask yourself a specific question.

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So we are in a very interesting moment right now.

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The election just finished, right, and I just had a client who was very distraught I mean, it was kind of an extreme reaction to this, to this.

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And first, I always encourage all of my clients to allow all emotions to process.

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They're not bad, don't push them down like, let them go through.

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But I said, once you've grieved, you know what you feel like the election should have been.

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Do a brain dump and ask yourself you know, what do I think about these election results?

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And at first it's going to be that disappointment and that grief and that whatever.

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But then you're going to go to the next layer and it's going to be maybe fear, maybe it's going to be about your concern for policy change, whatever, but really diving deep.

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And what this does is not only does it allow you to pull back all the layers of the onion, but it lets you put it out on paper, and I always suggest you write it, because once you actually write a statement down, you can become an observer to it, and oftentimes it takes away the weight of it and so you can see which thoughts and feelings you're having that maybe aren't as bad as you're allowing to cycle in your brain.

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So that's one and two.

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It lets you really focus on those things that you need to either change or rewrite, or, if it's something like a goal that you're doing, those pieces that you really need to focus on first.

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So it just lays it all out and you become an observer to the situation instead of being deeply involved in the situation just for that moment, and that lets that logical brain kick in and make decisions as far as where to go from there.

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So that's one for sure is a brain dump.

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It's an incredible tool and it only takes about 10 or 15 minutes, a quiet space just with you and your thoughts and your emotions, getting them all out.

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It makes you feel heard, it makes you feel complete, and then you can decide where to go from there.

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Right, that's yeah.

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That's a while.

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We're talking about writing.

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I've got one last question I'd love to to ask you.

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You speak about rewriting your past so that it can serve your future, and you know that's powerful.

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Is that?

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What are we rewriting?

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Are we reframing memories?

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Are we trying to change our narratives?

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How do we rewrite our past so that it still walks with us now?

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I love it.

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So there's two main tools I would say that I use for that.

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Main tools I would say that I use for that.

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So, first, you are the only person that talks to yourself all day long.

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So your words, your choice of thoughts is the story that you hear.

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And so if you are telling yourself a story from your past that either makes you a victim that's pretty common or makes you a failure that's pretty common then you are going to be donning that cloak of victimhood or a failure.

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But the truth is that that doesn't have to be what your story says.

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And so, for example, I had a client and all of these clients, by the way, that I'm talking about, they were willing to have me share stories, or I wouldn't.

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I had a client who was in a pretty emotional and somewhat physical abusive home and she had three siblings, and she is the only one that stood up and said this isn't OK.

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And she was kicked out of her home at 11 years old.

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Luckily for her, she had an aunt and another aunt that were willing to take her in and raise her Right.

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But her story to herself was my parents don't want me, my family doesn't want me, I was the only one that was kicked out, putting her instantly on the bottom value Right.

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And I was forced to be in this house with these, you know, with my two aunts, and I was kicked out of their house a couple of times because I continued to make choices that were poor, and that that's her story.

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So here's a story of abuse, of neglect, of isolation, of being left, and I thought that's a hard story to carry with you because then that's who you are.

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But, as she's telling me the story, what I heard is a story of power and a story of value, strength, respect, and I heard a story of so.

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With her aunts she ran away and you know they put her kind of on lockdown like no, no, no, no, no, we're going to do some things.

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But she ended up running away twice, got kicked out once and they invited her back every single time and she's still in a relationship as an adult with these women and I thought that's a story of unconditional love, right?

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So in her story I saw this little girl that was so powerful and so respectful of herself and human life that she wasn't willing to stand for something that wasn't right and that's brave.

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And I heard the story of these women who unconditionally loved this little human, regardless of the mean, disrespectful, terrible choices she was making, and to this day, still just absolutely think the world making and to this day, still just absolutely thank the world of her and want the best for her.

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That is the story she could be telling herself that she overcame, that she became stronger because of it, that that unconditional love is proof of the value that she has.

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So she could tell herself the story of being a victim and of being kicked out, and all of that's true, but that just leaves her as that isolated victim.

00:21:56.909 --> 00:22:19.241
Instead, she can turn that story around, rewrite it and look at the other aspect that I heard and find power in herself and be proud of the choices that she made and recognize that she made mistakes and still was loved and valued because of it, and that that shows that she really is this brave, powerful, loved, valued human.

00:22:19.241 --> 00:22:20.946
And so, oh, go ahead.

00:22:20.967 --> 00:22:31.009
No, no, I was just going to say the beauty in the story that you just shared is having you as that compassionate, empathetic coach who can hold that space.

00:22:31.009 --> 00:22:41.846
And so this is the importance that I think is so often we do we put those labels on ourselves and then we don't know how to shake them because we are talking to ourselves in our head and those negative spirals.

00:22:41.846 --> 00:22:50.125
So the beauty and the value, and, as soon as you know, when you shared that story, I too was looking at and saying wow, how powerful she's.

00:22:50.125 --> 00:23:06.276
She voiced herself, she stood up for herself at such a young age, you know so for her to absorb those powerful, positive parts into her body, which I'm sure is what she did as she journeyed with you to rewrite that story.

00:23:06.900 --> 00:23:09.409
Yeah, and she can rewrite the story about her parents too.

00:23:09.409 --> 00:23:18.970
You know, you have these alcoholic, abusive parents and you can be mad at that, right, because your parents shouldn't be, that shouldn't be that way, right.

00:23:18.970 --> 00:23:36.931
But instead you can look at them with compassion and just assume that they were doing the best they could, and that almost gives you more empathy and sympathy, because we've all been there where we really are giving our best effort and we're falling short of where we'd like to be, and that's hard and it's hurtful to yourself.

00:23:36.931 --> 00:23:52.289
And if you look at her parents that way, instead of what they should have been, look at them like that's exactly what they were, and they probably did want to be different and didn't know how, or didn't have the energy or didn't have the bravery like you did, and so having compassion for that.

00:23:52.289 --> 00:23:55.625
And now you're not mad, you almost feel bad for them a little bit.

00:23:55.625 --> 00:24:04.563
Right, you're having sympathy for them and all those feelings of anger can be released because you don't have to tell the story about them that way either.

00:24:05.285 --> 00:24:08.273
So here's the next step that I always suggest.

00:24:08.273 --> 00:24:11.163
I always suggest rewriting that story in another.

00:24:11.163 --> 00:24:12.767
It has to be true.

00:24:12.767 --> 00:24:16.944
And then I always say to spend, and this takes much longer than 15 minutes.

00:24:16.944 --> 00:24:39.852
But to write a letter to your past self need to be grateful for everything that little girl went through, because that led you to where you are now and you can be proud of that little girl for everything that was so hard and she did anyway and you can allow her to hear all those things that she needed to hear in that time and that nobody was offering to her.

00:24:39.852 --> 00:24:46.503
So you can apologize for her having to go through that and you can apologize for not being heard, for being kicked out.

00:24:46.865 --> 00:24:56.806
You can forgive her for those mistakes that you're still holding onto and let her know that those mistakes were just a stepping stone to get you to right where you are.

00:24:56.806 --> 00:25:08.769
Now that you learn the lessons from those mistakes, that you're applying them in your life right now so that she knows everything that she needed to know, everything she needed to hear, and really spending time doing that.

00:25:08.769 --> 00:25:10.113
Most people cry.

00:25:10.113 --> 00:25:11.583
It's very emotionally.

00:25:11.643 --> 00:25:15.192
Emotionally, I can imagine, can imagine yeah, and, as you say, give it time.

00:25:15.580 --> 00:25:26.593
yes, I mean it's time for sure, and I always suggest then that they set that letter down for a few days and then come back and fill in any pieces that you think you missed.

00:25:26.593 --> 00:25:31.242
What that lets you do is close that chapter and feel like it's complete.

00:25:31.242 --> 00:25:35.428
It's's still in your book, it's not going anywhere, yes, but it's complete.

00:25:35.428 --> 00:25:47.339
You no longer have to give it thought, effort, guilt, worry, shame, anger.

00:25:47.339 --> 00:25:50.890
It's complete and you take all of those lessons that you learned and now you can apply them so that you can start writing your next chapter.

00:25:50.890 --> 00:25:52.714
And that's really two quick way.

00:25:52.755 --> 00:26:09.740
I mean, they're not super quick, but you know two quick ways, ways, yes, that you can really change your past, even though you're not changing a thing about it, so that you can move forward instead of being prisoner to anything that you did or experienced before megan.

00:26:09.760 --> 00:26:10.582
Well, that's just.

00:26:10.582 --> 00:26:19.987
Thank you for just sharing actionable tools, because I think that is so important that people need to know yeah, let me try something, let me try something that might work for you.

00:26:19.987 --> 00:26:29.853
But if people were interested in just finding out more about you know you and your coaching and how you can help them journey along, where is the best place to send them to?

00:26:30.432 --> 00:26:39.597
send them so they can either go to tantalumcoachingcom and the best thing if you're listening to this show is just there's a little button that says let's chat.

00:26:39.597 --> 00:26:45.702
Send me a message and let me know that.

00:26:45.702 --> 00:26:59.760
This is where you heard me, and I would be more than happy to schedule an hour to just sit in maybe one struggle or challenge or goal right, Something that you want to achieve, and help you create a little plan to to work through that or to go towards that, Um, and then I believe I can give you links.

00:26:59.760 --> 00:27:02.808
So I'll also give you a link, Carol, to my calendar.

00:27:02.808 --> 00:27:07.428
So if they just want to pop in there and they just want to schedule a session, then that's fine too.

00:27:07.428 --> 00:27:08.891
That's just for you guys.

00:27:08.971 --> 00:27:21.654
That's not something that I normally offer, but I would love more than anything to help you get started on the right path to either you know recovery, or to reframing things, or working towards a goal that you want to work towards.

00:27:22.195 --> 00:27:22.816
That's wonderful.

00:27:22.816 --> 00:27:29.448
Thank you, megan, for that offer, and I will make sure that I have links in the show notes, and so do take Megan up on that offer.

00:27:29.448 --> 00:27:31.406
It doesn't have to be a struggle.

00:27:31.406 --> 00:27:40.500
It could be a goal and you're feeling stuck and you're just needing to get some momentum and move you forward and, with that, finding you in other spots.

00:27:40.500 --> 00:27:51.633
I know that Instagram is probably the best social media platform, so I'll make sure that we have that link there and, once again, just thank you for sharing with my listeners.

00:27:52.279 --> 00:27:53.263
Absolutely, Carol.

00:27:53.263 --> 00:27:54.729
Thank you so much for having me on.

00:27:57.421 --> 00:28:07.971
If you are looking for tools to build powerful habits around a lifelong positive mindset, then I'd love to explore what results you are looking for in your life and your business.

00:28:07.971 --> 00:28:10.207
Every coach needs a coach.

00:28:10.207 --> 00:28:11.538
I'm sure you've heard that before.

00:28:11.538 --> 00:28:22.531
As a mindset and accountability coach, I work with women coaches in midlife to find balance in their business endeavors and prepare their foundation for a positive mindset.

00:28:22.531 --> 00:28:45.044
By blending my personalized accountability and mindset coaching along with the powerful positive intelligence program, you'll learn about saboteurs and sage powers and gain lifelong tools to create a shift in all areas of your life, from personal to professional, and reduce the negative self-talk and discover more self-love.

00:28:45.044 --> 00:29:02.715
Curious to know what your own saboteurs are, I invite you to take the free assessment provided by Positive Intelligence that you'll find on my website, carolclaguecom, and then book a call with me and let's explore the results, because I am here to support you on your journey.

00:29:02.715 --> 00:29:10.505
You can connect with me on LinkedIn Just search for Carol Clague, or pop by my website carolclaguecom.

174 Transform Your Story into Strength with Megan Bunnell

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