From Shadows to Sunshine: Nicole Poulton's Guide to Recovery and Renewal

Rich Bennett 0:00
Thanks for joining the conversation, where we explore the stories and experiences that shape our world. I'm your host, Rich Bennett, joined by my lovely co-host, Wendy Beck. And today, we're honored to have a truly inspiring guest with us. Nicole Horton is not only an addiction recovery coach, but a survivor who has triumphed over unimaginable challenges from overcoming a decade of abuse, to navigating the complexities of addiction and finding her way to sobriety. Nicole's journey is a testament to resilience and the power of choice. Now she dedicates her life to helping others heal and embrace a sober lifestyle. So get ready for a candid and impactful conversation as we dive in Nicole's story, triumph, transformation and the incredible work she's doing to make a positive impact in the lives of many. How are you doing, Nicole? 

Nicole Poulton 0:53
I'm good. Thank you so much for having me on the show. I'm excited. 

Rich Bennett 0:57
Oh, it's it's our pleasure. I know we've been winning. When did you contact me? It was back in November. In December? 

Nicole Poulton 1:06
Yeah, I think it was a while ago. 

Rich Bennett 1:09
Okay. And we rescheduled at one point, right? Yeah. 

Nicole Poulton 1:12
Yeah, I think with the holidays and then just. Yeah. Issues or something. You know, there's. There's always something. 

Rich Bennett 1:19
Yeah. Isn't that the truth? So before we get started, I like to find out a little bit about our guest. So, who is Nicole? In other words, when you were when you were growing up, what was it you're what was your ambition? What was it that you wanted to do? 

Nicole Poulton 1:39
Well, I mean, before we get all into it, when I was a kid, I was just fighting to make it to the next day. I think my childhood, I mean, it was pretty rough. And so on a good day, if I could, you know, kind of ignore the abuse and all that good stuff. I always wanted to be a baker or I thought I would be a professional rock climber. Like, I had these two polar opposite dreams. But I loved being outside, and I don't know, I was I was always getting into stuff, climbing. And I'm thinking like, okay, well, this is it. This is my passion and this is what I'm destined to do. And I mean, obviously I was a kid, so it didn't actually go anywhere. But that was the dream. Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 2:26
You know, it's interesting that you said because before we get started, you said, you know, what did you aspire to be when you were a child as a grown up and you hesitated because what was going on with your in your life prevented you from dreaming. And I know a lot of times addiction will stunt your growth. But I also know that what you were going through, the trauma and I don't know your story yet, but the trauma was preventing you from even having that reach because you couldn't imagine what life would be, you know, because you were not growing up in a safe space. And can you talk about, you know, how that journey started for you? Because I think that's so sad for a child to to to grow up and not be able to dream. 

Rich Bennett 3:16
Yeah. 

Nicole Poulton 3:17
Yeah, I know. I my whole adolescence, I didn't think I would make it to 18. 

Rich Bennett 3:22
And. 

Nicole Poulton 3:23
I had no idea. So it's like you you didn't have the ability to dream. But also what's the point? You know, it's like you didn't. You really don't think that you're going to make it out of the house? Like the abuse was so intense from basically day one. My dad, he was a narcissist and I was sexually abused for my I mean, I'll get all into it. It's it's crazy. But, you know, you don't have a sense of self and you don't have the right to have your needs met. It's kind of like the house I grew up in. Everything was about, you know, that abusive parent and what can we do to meet his needs? How can we make sure that he doesn't, you know, explode and have the whole volcano of anger come out at everyone every day, all the time. So it was a lot of anticipating his needs. And to do that, you have to suppress your own. And part of that is dreaming. And so, I mean, it seemed like a luxury to be able to just like be outside and kind of be away from the madness of the house. And so I think that's why I fell in love with with the right climate, because it makes you feel alive. It makes you feel something when you're a kid and it's like, oh, my gosh, I'm climbing up this thing I shouldn't be on. I I'm being rebellious in this in basically, like the only way possible going climbing trees and and getting up to the tallest branch you can possibly make it on. It's like I was I was trying to find that thrill, even from an early age, because, I mean, the rest of my life was you have to completely numb everything in order, just like I have to the next day. So it it was definitely rough. 

Wendy Beck 5:02
What like what was the the dynamic in the household? Did you have siblings? Was it just you and your parent? I mean, how how did that look? 

Nicole Poulton 5:11
Yeah, I was the third of four, so like four children. And so I have an older sister, an older brother and a younger sister. So I was smack right in the middle. And the whole stereotype of the middle child being, like, left out and forgotten. But everybody had their own title, right? So it's like the oldest is the first and you know, she's perfect. And then the boy is like the only boy. And then my younger sister is the baby. So it's like I lit it. I had nothing. I wasn't like the youngest boy. It was just I was nothing. And that was very obvious in the way I was treated. And because there was four of us, we were always pinned against each other, like the mental games that were played in my house. It was very intentional and malicious to make sure that we all felt so like, so isolated, because if we felt isolated, we didn't feel safe to speak up about what was happening to us. And so even though there is always a lot of people in the house, you felt alone from like from day one. And I my first memories really were being sexually abused. And that led all the way up until I was 15 and we can go into it more. But when I was 15, I broke my back and so I had this crazy injury and and that kickstarted the addiction so we can get into all of that. But the other household was was really like, you walk in and the energy you feel just like it's cold and it feels dangerous and you never know what's going to happen. And so you're always walking on eggshells no matter what for. I mean, in years. 

Wendy Beck 6:59
Was the abuse went with everyone or was it just you? 

Nicole Poulton 7:06
So it was with everyone. We were I mean, every kind of abuse there was obviously verbal that kind of comes with the verbal, emotional, physical, sexual. It's like the whole package. We all were handed that gift. And and so we but we all didn't know that that was happening with each other. And so and so the when it starts so young, you don't understand that there's something wrong. Like you don't. 

Rich Bennett 7:34
Know. 

Nicole Poulton 7:34
The people that you go to school with your friends, that they don't have that kind of relationship with your with their parents. And so you don't know that you should speak up. But then you get to a point, you know, there's a certain age where it's like, oh, this feels kind of weird. You know, like, this doesn't I don't feel happy or good about what's going on. But then where do you turn to because you're trusted? Adults are the people who are doing this, you know, And and so, yeah, it happened with all of us and I mean, to different extents, different levels and but yeah, it's, it was something else. 

Rich Bennett 8:11
Was the abuse coming from both of your parents? 

Nicole Poulton 8:14
No, it was it was coming from my dad. But then my mom was kind of enabling it. She was so they got married so young that it was kind of thrown into the abuse before any of us were born. And then, you know, they got pregnant fairly quickly. And so she felt kind of trapped. And then, I mean, anyone listening, being in a abusive relationship like it's like if you're on the outside, it's like, well, why didn't you leave? But if you're on the inside, you know, it's it's not that simple. And then also with the personality of my dad, it was dangerous to leave. Like he would threaten, like, I'll find you. And I know people that like you disappear. And so literally to protect herself and her children, it's like, okay, well, we have to live with him so we at least know where he's at. We know kind of what to expect. It's that whole idea of like the devil you know versus the devil. 

Rich Bennett 9:09
These like. 

Nicole Poulton 9:10
We knew what we were kind of in for. And to some extent, I mean, obviously all of us didn't know what was happening behind closed doors. Like my mom didn't know about the sexual abuse until I was a teenager. And and my brother didn't know about my sexual abuse until, like, just a few years ago. Like, it's crazy because you don't realize what they don't know. 

Rich Bennett 9:34
Right? 

Nicole Poulton 9:35
We're on a different phase of our healing journey. And so it's like, well, what can they handle? Like what? You know, Because some of us I mean, at this point, all of us don't talk to my dad anymore. But that hasn't always been true. And so it's like when I finally broke free, like my siblings were still talking to him. And so it's like, well, what can I actually say? And then, yeah, were. 

Wendy Beck 9:58
You the first two to break free from that? I mean, you said you how did you break your back and how did that lead to addiction and did you have addiction or, you know, numbing tendencies prior to that? 

Nicole Poulton 10:11
Yeah. So I'll go in in kind of chronological order. So the sexual abuse started like toddler time, four years old, five years old. 

That continued on. And by the time I was ten years old and this is why I'm here today, like speaking on your podcast, when I was ten years old, I was contemplating suicide. 

Rich Bennett 10:32
And I. 

Nicole Poulton 10:34
I just I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel strong enough to stay. And then I was ten. Yeah. So like, fourth grade. And I was alone in my bathroom and I was crying and I had just like, gotten like, verbally abused, just, like, totally berated, you know? It's just like you don't have any self-worth anymore and it's so painful, so I was contemplating suicide, and I just had, like, this voice speak to me, this vision almost of like, you have to get through this because you are going to share this story and help someone else. And so when I was ten, I'm like, okay, like, I guess I'll just buckle up and and get going. And and so I figured the best way to survive is to not feel anything. And so I did start numbing. I did that at first, just emotionally just turn everything off. And I mean, those are you listening. If you numb the bad, you're also numbing the good. So there's no pain necessarily, but there's also no joy, no happiness, no fulfillment. Like none of that. 

Wendy Beck 11:43
No dreaming. 

Nicole Poulton 11:45
No dreaming. Yeah. There's no future at all. It's just how do I get to the next phase of the day? It's like you wake up, you go to school, and most kids hate school. School is my safe place, you know, And. And I would much, much rather take the bullies at school than what was going on at home. 

Rich Bennett 12:02
Then the bullying. 

Wendy Beck 12:02
I know no one at school had any idea like no teachers. No. There wasn't any visible signs other than your ability to to numb your feelings. 

Nicole Poulton 12:15
So there was I mean, when I was like kindergarten age, there was like hints of a little bit of neglect, Like my hair was never brushed. I wasn't wearing clean clothes, like I didn't have a coat in the winter, like stuff like that. But not enough to, like, intervene, I guess. And then, yeah, as time went on, people didn't know until I hit about 14. And at this point, so I had already been like numbing in different ways and self-soothing. So I would like cut up my legs and, you know, take a whole bottle of ibuprofen, just hoping that it would make me feel like. 

Rich Bennett 12:55
Doing this. 

Nicole Poulton 12:56
Crazy stuff. But it's like you're just going to throw, you know. 

Wendy Beck 13:00
You didn't even. 

Nicole Poulton 13:01
I didn't. 

Wendy Beck 13:01
Know. 

Nicole Poulton 13:01
Know what trying to do. Yeah. To just not feel what I currently felt. I found a lot of escape in music and that was really nice. But it's like back when you have, like a CD player and I can only afford one CD. And so I'm listening to the same ten songs over and over and over. But yeah, when I was 14, my dad had his first big slip up, and when and like at this point, the sexual abuse was at its high. I played volleyball. And so 

he I mean, this is a little graphic. I guess, but he would say like, Oh, let me massage your muscles. You must be sore. And so I would have to be completely naked on a massage table and, and, and but that I mean, I'm thinking like, okay, I'm an athlete, I'm training for varsity. You know, it's like this is what normal athletes do, but it's like, no 14 year old has to be naked in front of their dad. Like, that's not not normal. I got it with my adult brain. I recognize that. But what the catalyst was for them to actually get divorced was when I was 14. My sister, my younger sister, she was doing math and she got really upset. She couldn't do it. And he was there trying to help her and he exploded and she had thrown her math book on the floor and he pinned her up by her neck, like up against the wall. Her feet weren't on the floor anymore. So there was like like you can't deny that this happened anymore. You know, And because all of the sexual abuse, it's like behind closed doors, it's he said she said there's no evidence, no witnesses. And so when my dad pinned my sister up, now there's like, okay, this is a problem. But we were also afraid. It's like, okay, well, we can't fully take sides. Like, it was still so scary. 

Wendy Beck 14:58
Your mother would remind you that is that. 

Rich Bennett 15:00
Actually. 

Nicole Poulton 15:01
You. 

Wendy Beck 15:01
Witnessed that was the first time. But we didn't She had seen any thing. 

Nicole Poulton 15:06
Yeah. And before that it was I mean everybody knew that we were getting verbally abused and emotionally abused and all that stuff, but it's like, well, that's just dad, you know? But once this physical abuse happened in front of my mom, nothing totally like it wasn't like my mom fully took action. And it's like, okay, we're going to go to the police. What happened was my sister went to school the next day. She was just telling her friends about it, like, Oh my gosh, yeah, yesterday this happened and the teacher heard, who then relayed that to the school counselor. And my mom was a teacher in the district. And so this counselor contacted my mom and was like, If you don't, like, get a divorce and try and get custody, we will take custody from both of you because it's obviously neglect. 

Rich Bennett 15:53
Wow. 

Nicole Poulton 15:54
And so it's like it forced her hand. And so then they got divorced and and in the whole divorce, like, it was messy. And I was so confused as to what's going on. And and I try and paint this picture of like, imagine you're a kid and you're like, literally in hell and there's flames all around you. You don't really know who started the fire. You don't really know who's throwing these these flames at you. So you have to protect yourself against everyone. So after after the divorce, my dad ended up he had to take this plea deal and he got community service, which then I went with him to do like because he got extra hours, like, it's so crazy and malicious. 

Rich Bennett 16:42
But I. 

Nicole Poulton 16:44
I thought that my mom was the bad guy. Like, that's how mentally messed up we were and how we we had no idea what, like from a bird's eye view, what was actually going on. And so in the divorce, I, I had initially gone with my mom and then I moved back in with my dad. I wanted to be with my brother. And I thought, like, that's the fun house, You know, there's no rules over there. And it but I mean. 

Wendy Beck 17:15
But there was a no I wasn't abuse after that that. 

Nicole Poulton 17:19
There was still there was still abuse after. So I was 14 when that happened. And then when I was 15. At this point, I mean. 

Rich Bennett 17:26
All. 

Nicole Poulton 17:28
Awareness is gone from my body. Like I have no ability to recognize like danger or like bad situations or anything like that. And I'm trying to feel something, right? So it's like I at this point, I don't have access to real drugs or anything like that. And like, so I'm like trying to be an adrenaline junkie and I love skiing. And so I go skiing one day and it's the last day of the season like it had terrible snow. It was not ideal conditions. And so you either had like the groomers or you had the park. And so I'm like, well, the groomers are kind of boring. What does that mean? 

Wendy Beck 18:07
And so on skiers, because. 

Nicole Poulton 18:09
Okay, sorry. 

Rich Bennett 18:11
Okay. So, so you know. 

Nicole Poulton 18:13
How like on the side of a mountain, like in the off season, there's like back roads like that you can actually drive. So in the in the winter when there's snow, those are groomed by these big machines. And so it's just like a normal road. It's not like super steep. It's pretty easy. Like beginners, that's the route for beginners. They just go on what the road is and we call it a groomer because it's been groomed for this massive machine. And then the park is like where. 

Rich Bennett 18:42
All of the extreme. 

Nicole Poulton 18:43
The extreme, the jumps, the rail boxes, like everybody who's like doing backflips and turning and like that is not the place I should have been. My sweet spot is going through the trees where I'm like, back alone. It's quiet. Like, you know, I'm just with nature. That was my path. But that was not an option this day. And so my brother and I, it's like, okay, well, we'll go to the park because he's a park rat. That's what that whole stereotype is called. He loves the jumps and he's crazy. And I think like, I'll just do what he's doing. And so we're getting the same jump like multiple times that day. We had been doing it for about 2 hours. And I mean, I'm not trying to get any air. I'm just like, well, it's a it's a run. It'll be fine. And we get to the bottom and we're on the chairlift going back up to the top of the mountain. And while we're on the lift, one of the big rumor machines comes through the park and they go up on the jump and scrape all of the snow off of the jump. So it's just a sheet of ice. But I don't do this because I'm on the chairlift. And so then when I come back down, I think I've hit this jump so many times today, I'll just do the same thing I've been doing, you know, like not a thought in my mind. And I go off this jump and I mean, I hit ice, I get launched. So now I'm flying through the air and like, time stopped. Like, you know, people say, like, time slowed down. It stopped completely. Like my awareness of what was happening. It was like, oh, my gosh, I like I'm going to die from this. I am at the tops of the pine trees, like with how high I got, I. 

Rich Bennett 20:29
Am the Lord. 

Nicole Poulton 20:30
The same level of the pine trees I had got launched so far. So there's a jump and then there's a landing and then another jump and another landing. I got off the first jump, super high launch and I land in the landing of the second jump. 

Rich Bennett 20:47
So you're giving people high fives on the lift on the way? Oh, yeah. Like so much. Wow. That had been in the Guinness. 

Nicole Poulton 20:54
Book of World Records or something. 

Rich Bennett 20:56
But you landed and that. 

Wendy Beck 20:57
Was the problem. 

Nicole Poulton 20:59
Well, yeah, because what comes up must come down. But when I took off, I had popped out of my skis like my. 

Rich Bennett 21:08
Oh, shit. 

Nicole Poulton 21:09
So there's literally no way whatsoever, no possibility of me landing in any, you know, capacity other than just I'm coming down. So my thought is like, well, obviously I shouldn't land on my feet because I don't have skis there. And so I guess I'll just sit down. And so I, I landed on my butt. 

Rich Bennett 21:34
Oh, and. 

Nicole Poulton 21:36
Yeah, so I had a compression fracture. But before I knew all of this, now, like, I'm in the landing of a jump. And so now I have a new problem because there's other people coming off this jump and about to land on me. So I have to move. Like, it's kind of like what I related to my my students that I teach now. It's like when shit hits the fan and things are happening, we still have to take decisions. We still have to act. We still have to move forward, like what is our next step, even though it's not ideal? And so I, I roll over and I army crawl out of the way because I can't feel my legs like I think I'm paralyzed. And so I'm just like, I got to get out of here because I'm getting like people are landing like six inches from me and then they're freaking out and it's like, I don't want to hurt anyone else. I got to get out of the way. So I army crawl out of the way and then like ski patrol comes up and they're like, I don't know how trained they are medically, but they're like, Don't move. We'll get you in this toboggan. So I'm like in a sled going down. I end up getting to the hospital. The hospital was like 3 hours away, airlifted, plus they had to get up. So it was like 5 hours before I actually got real medical help. But luckily, the lodge had morphine, So I'm like, I'm okay. But I get to the hospital and I'm really tall. I'm almost six feet and my torso is the tall part. And so I had to have a custom ordered back brace because nobody has my proportions, I guess because it's my torso is so crazy tall, so I finally get this back brace. It is not cute, you guys. And I'm 15. I'm a freshman in high school and we're going into the summer and I'm like, Oh, great. So now everybody would. 

Wendy Beck 23:32
You wore. 

Nicole Poulton 23:32
Bikinis at the lake. 

Rich Bennett 23:34
And I've got. 

Nicole Poulton 23:34
This awesome guard. 

Wendy Beck 23:35
But could you walk? 

Nicole Poulton 23:38
I So when I got to the hospital, I couldn't I couldn't feel anything, but I could move my toes. And they did X-rays and they said my, my L1 and T 12. So two vertebrae buckled together and then exploded into nine pieces. And it went in every direction except my spinal cord. Like, I have no idea how I'm walking today, but I wasn't apparently lucky. Yeah, I like God was looking out or something like it. Like it shouldn't have happened that way. But it happened just severe enough that you can't molest someone with a broken back. So that day saved my life. 

Rich Bennett 24:21
Oh, yeah. Wow. 

Nicole Poulton 24:25
It started a new problem because now I've got unlimited access to narcotics. So I was still numbing the emotional side of all of the pain and obviously the physical stuff for a while. And I thought that I was, you know, taking these pills just for the back pain. But I mean, years later, doctors are like, you should be fine. Like, you shouldn't need this prescription anymore. And I'm just like, Well, I do. So give it to me. And they're like, okay. And so I got to the point where I was getting prescribed 200 pills every two weeks. It was in. 

Rich Bennett 25:01
Lord. 

Nicole Poulton 25:02
Unlimited refill. Like, I don't I don't know how that doctor still in practice but. 

Wendy Beck 25:08
How long ago was. Yeah. So how, how long. 

Nicole Poulton 25:12
So this happened. Oh gosh. Over a decade ago I think it was 2012. So it was right around the time that they were saying like these pills aren't addictive, but just. 

Wendy Beck 25:25
Abusing it was right before there was a lot of attention to it because. Yeah, so you were in that you were you were right there when it was when it was over. 

Nicole Poulton 25:35
I was in that mess. All the documentaries that are being made, it's like that. That was my life. And they told me, just to be sure, like, we're going to give you oxycodone and hydrocodone and you'll alternate so you don't get addicted to either. Like, okay, great, awesome idea, because when you're 15, you just trust the authority of the doctors. You're not questioning this, you know, and why would they want anything else. 

Wendy Beck 26:01
Like anything worth with it this time? 

Nicole Poulton 26:04
So at this time I was with my dad. 

Wendy Beck 26:06
Was there any any backlash because he couldn't continue the abuse or did he, like, become more caring or. I'm just curious. 

Nicole Poulton 26:19
It's so funny you ask that because when you put it all together in a podcast like this, it's like, Holy shit, this is crazy. So right before I broke my back, I had started like model ing. I wanted to be a model. I'm like, I got to use my height for something. And I got one of the photoshoots. 

Rich Bennett 26:36
At one of the full size volleyball and volleyball. 

Nicole Poulton 26:40
And and modeling. Those were my calling. Everyone's like basketball. Like, no, not for me. 

Rich Bennett 26:47
Not that. 

Nicole Poulton 26:47
Coordinated, but I can. 

Rich Bennett 26:49
Walk and it's but. 

Nicole Poulton 26:53
But at one of the photo shoots we I connected with another model and and we became kind of friendly and then it was like two months later that I broke my back. Two weeks after I broke my back. She's dating my dad, and she's. 

Wendy Beck 27:09
How old was she? I'm sorry. 

Nicole Poulton 27:10
And he she was 19, so she had just turned 19. 

Rich Bennett 27:14
So now was your dad? 

Nicole Poulton 27:16
My dad was in his forties, and so, I mean. 

Rich Bennett 27:20
Wow, legal. 

Nicole Poulton 27:23
But a gray area for sure. And especially coming from like he had just been abusing a 15 year old now jumping to a 19 year old, it's like, okay, well, now it's like now I have this girlfriend. And then she moved in with us and lived with us for a year or two. And to me it's like, great. Like she's amazing because now the attentions are on me and he's fully fixated on her and I can just go be with my friends. And so actually, like from 16 to 18, I mean, 16 to 17 was probably the best years of my adolescence because now I had no parental guidance at all. I had no people to give me any kind of touch points whatsoever because he was so engaged with her and he would like go to Europe for a month at a time, but he was just not there. So it was amazing for me because it's like I just I thrived being alone and just my brother and I. But we my brother and I, we were both I mean, on a lot of different drugs and stuff at this point. And and then my dad actually I was the last person to leave my my house. Like, you know how people say, like, when you're 18, you leave the nest and you've got empty nesters. So by the time I was 17, everyone else had moved out and I was left to like, pay. 

Rich Bennett 28:46
The younger sister. 

Nicole Poulton 28:47
Well, my younger sister had gone with my mom at the. 

Rich Bennett 28:50
Birth and. 

Nicole Poulton 28:51
Then my older sister was already off in college. And so as my brother and I and then my dad and my brother moved to Puerto Rico, we lived in Washington. They just like moved to Puerto Rico. And so I'm just like left with the house and I'm like, okay, I guess all I had three jobs to try and make the mortgage payment and I'm just like, This is crazy. And I mean, that's just a whole different side of things. But yeah, I eventually I'm like, I can't do this anymore. Like, we need to sell the house because I had a, it was see, this is the, the mind manipulation. It was my fault because or at least that's what he framed it as, right? Because I had a boyfriend that I didn't want to leave. And so he's like, well, family's move in, so I guess you can stay and take care of the house and stay with the boyfriend. I'm like, okay. 

Rich Bennett 29:42
And and he was great. 

Nicole Poulton 29:45
Like, he was he was I mean, it was a good situation, but it was not something I should have stayed for. And so I finally realized that I couldn't afford this mortgage as a 17. 

Wendy Beck 29:56
Year old. 

Rich Bennett 29:57
And. 

Nicole Poulton 29:59
And I had dropped out of high school when I had broke my back because you can't really go to gym when you have a broken bag and do math when you're, like, all doped up. So I had dropped out, but then I felt so lonely. And like I said, school was my safe place and so I eventually went back to school. And then I realized, like, I'm actually not learning anything. And and they didn't count my freshman year, even though, like, I had broke my back like the last month of school and they didn't count any of that year. So then I had to do my ninth grade year and my 11th grade year at the same time. I'm like, if I'm doing this at the same time, I must not be learning anything. So I dropped out again and I got my GED and then I ended up moving down to Puerto Rico, and that's where things really started to escalate for me, because now I was getting exposed to like cocaine and I was drinking and I was smoking weed and it was every day and, you know, crushing and snorting my pills and and all of that stuff. So it really like the addiction escalated for me when I was there. 

Rich Bennett 31:09
Did you mean you moved to Puerto Rico with with your family? 

Nicole Poulton 31:12
Yeah, I yeah, I went back to it because that whole mindset of, like, your abuser, it's like Stockholm is like, well, life is better if I have somebody to kind of take care of me. Or so I don't have to be alone. And I only, you know, like leave my child at home. But. 

Rich Bennett 31:28
Right. Do you know why it is that he actually moved to Puerto Rico? 

Nicole Poulton 31:33
Yeah, there's this tax incentive. So he's really, really sneaky in a lot of different things. And so there's this this really good tax incentive for people who are businesses to move down there and and to stimulate the Puerto Rican economy. You pay zero taxes as an individual or 4% as a business. So he's like, I'm all in work moving so, yeah. 

Rich Bennett 31:59
Wow. Quick question, because you mentioned he was he was dating the 19 year old. Mm hmm. Yeah. Your parents went through the divorce, but was he ever convicted or even tried for sexual abuse? No, he was never on the sexual offenders list. 

Nicole Poulton 32:18
No. So we're I had CPS come to my school and interview me and, you know, all of that stuff, But we were never intentionally trying to press charges. My mom was just trying to get enough evidence so she could have custody because it just seemed safer that way. Like, I mean, I was a kid, so I didn't have any say in it, but she never had any because we didn't think we would be able to prove it as it I mean, five people coming and saying, this is what happened to me. This is what happened. As if that wasn't enough, we had to have like video evidence or physical evidence of some kind. It's like, how do you prove that? And so we didn't really have any hope that we would win in court. And he always would say like like with his money, he could he could beat us in the legal fees and like all this stuff. And and so there was a lot of that. So it's like, well, if we can just get away, then. 

Rich Bennett 33:16
Yeah. 

Nicole Poulton 33:17
We're fine. But yeah. 

Rich Bennett 33:20
You said when you when you broke your back, he wasn't able to molest you or anything then. But how long was it before you, your back actually started getting better I'm sure. And he probably had to do surgery, right? 

Nicole Poulton 33:33
No. So they it was crazy. Crazy. Yeah. So all of the tiny little fragments, they said they didn't want to go in there and move it all because they were like they had exploded and I had a couple of broken ribs and stuff, but all of the little pieces of bone, they didn't want to accidentally move and hit my spinal cord. So they said to just be super still for like six months. I'm like, okay, So we didn't do surgery. And I mean, even today, I don't know if that was the right course of action or if I just got like a bat or I don't have no idea. But I mean. 

Rich Bennett 34:10
I'm sorry. 

Nicole Poulton 34:11
But I had I had back pain for over a decade until I started all my healing stuff. And and. 

Rich Bennett 34:18
Really, oh, a. 

Nicole Poulton 34:19
Lot of this is actually in my mind and to get a need met because I found out like when I was a kid, I wasn't, like, hugged or, like, loves and stuff. So we all have this need for love and this is something I teach to my clients too, of like our six human needs and, and they type so much into addiction. But I wasn't I didn't get this need for love in traditional ways. And so I found if I was sick or hurt, I had to be taken care of. And I had I would get my need for love met. So when I was a kid, I had a really bad like immune system. I was sick all the time and then breaking my back and and so keeping my back pain was actually meeting that need for love. Cause I could say, Oh, my back hurts. And then somebody would like, you know, like massage my shoulders or basically, like, console me. And it was all like unconscious. Like my subconscious was running the, the play. But once I became aware of this idea of we have six basic human needs and and how are we meeting them all? And sometimes it's positive, sometimes it's negative. And when it goes unchecked, it's like we just take the easiest route and what's familiar. And so then once I realized I was doing this and like we do, I actually have that pain. It's been a long time and it's like, Oh, I'm fine. So it's like, okay, cool. But my, my turning point was really when I was turning 21, I had some friends and I we decided, like, we'll go all out and we'll go to Las Vegas to celebrate and. 

Rich Bennett 35:57
So go. 

Nicole Poulton 35:58
At this. I was I was crazy. So we all have like, you know, our our needs and the whole fight or flight. I was flight for sure. So I'm bouncing around at this point. I lived in Puerto Rico. I had moved to Hawaii and then I had moved to Lithuania and like, lived in Europe. 

Rich Bennett 36:15
Like, wow, Yeah, wow. 

Nicole Poulton 36:17
I because I was trying to run from my problems. Like, I realize now what was happening, but you take you with you everywhere, you move. 

Rich Bennett 36:24
Yes. 

Nicole Poulton 36:25
So that wasn't a good plan. But at this time I was living in Utah and my now husband, he was born and here. So we had all decided, we'll go to Vegas, we'll party and it'll be great. And I had I was taking more pills than like at any given time, like more pills and drinking more than any period. And doing that, like during the day, like all day long for two days. And on the second day was supposed to be like it was my birthday. We were going to go out to the club and go dancing like, I love dancing, and we're in the Uber and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I don't feel good. And I'm thinking the whole time, like I was super broke at the time and I'm like, Just don't throw up. Like, I can't afford the Uber cleaning fee. 

Rich Bennett 37:15
Don't OD That. 

Nicole Poulton 37:17
Was my whole focus. And then we get to the club and the base of the club. It was like, I'm so nauseous, like I can't stand up straight, like I need to go back home. And I went back to the hotel and I actually overdosed that night and. 

Rich Bennett 37:32
Wow. 

Nicole Poulton 37:33
While I'm overdosing, I'm I have this out-of-body experience and like I did when I was ten years old, I had this, like, vision. I had this vision saying like, this is not my life. And I'd choose something else. And from that moment on, it was like, Oh, so far I have been coping with everything just in reaction. MM But I can honestly choose a different path. And so that hit me really hard. And then I, you know, I kept throwing up and that night was awful and that was a Saturday night. Then Sunday was travel day going back home Monday morning, it's 932 in the morning. And my husband had a boyfriend at the time he had gone to work. And so he's gone. And I crushed three pills and snorted them in my bathroom. And after I do that, I look up and I meet my gaze in the mirror and I don't recognize myself at all. Like, what is going on? Like, who is this? Because this isn't me. But that was the point where I had enough pain attached to using. I had enough leverage to actually make a change. And so from that moment on was the last time I used. But it's been. 

Rich Bennett 38:54
Crazy. That was six years ago, right? 

Nicole Poulton 38:55
That was six years ago. Yeah. I just hit my six year sobriety. This my. 

Wendy Beck 38:59
Congratulations. So you took us. You took us down, you know, you took us through the tunnel and down the rabbit hole of all of that. And now you have the realization that this isn't you which at this point, you probably have no idea who you are at all. Yeah. And so tell us about your healing journey and where it brought you and who you are today. 

Nicole Poulton 39:25
Yeah. So the first thing that I realized when I was sober, there was two things I didn't know how to process emotions, to say the least. It's like I. I wasn't allowed to feel them for a long time, and then I just numbed them for my whole adolescence. So I had no idea how healthy adults process emotion. I also realized I have no idea how people get their values, like what are my morals and values? Because I was raised by someone who is like, you know, a liar or a con man. He's very fraudulent and obviously abusive. And so it's like I have that view of the world and I know it's wrong. And then I have my mom who's more of like timid and just obedient, and it's like, Well, that's not what I want either. How do people have values? Like what creates that? And did I miss out thinking like you're born with them or like you have them and and your adolescence and then that's what sticks with you. It's like, I didn't realize that you can change that. And so I, I knew that I didn't have them, though. Like, my morality was gone. It's like, well, you know, I so I knew that those were things that I need to focus on. So during the whole healing process, I, I figured to process the emotions. The only thing I had an idea of is to write. And so I started journaling. And I haven't stopped. So I've been journaling. I've been keeping a journal for the last six years, and it's crazy If you go back to that first year of being sober. Every entry entry is anger. And I'm, you know, I'm pissed off at the world. I'm upset. 

Rich Bennett 41:05
And in. 

Nicole Poulton 41:05
Pain. I'm I just want to use like, how dare people not let me and like all this stuff. I'm just so upset. And then now it's like you look at it, it's like gratitude is like often it's. 

Rich Bennett 41:17
Like. 

Nicole Poulton 41:18
I'm, you know, So you have that transition. And I think I just had to get a lot of that anger out and process that. And, and in my healing, I tried a lot of different things. Like I would go to traditional therapy. I did EMDR, I did seminars, I did like Energy Healing and like you name it across the board. I was really trying to get answers. And I learned along the way that like how powerful your brain is. So the questions that you ask, you get an answer for. So if you ask Why is this so hard, your brain is going to be like, Well, it's hard because X, Y, and Z. If you say like, How can I do this? It gives you a different answer. And so I learn how to ask better questions along my healing journey. And that actually took me a path of of what I do today of like for myself, I had to realize, like, why is it so hard for most people who get sober to stay sober? Because you hear about like the relapse rates are so high and anybody who is sober, it sounds like it's a struggle. So it's like, why? Why does it have to be a struggle? What is a way that I could be sober and not have to be struggling every day? Like, what does that look like and what is the process that I have to go down in order to make that a reality? And so that was kind of my focus. That was my my mission for my recovery. At first, obviously, it was just make it to the next day. Did you one. 

Wendy Beck 42:50
Day at it? Did you go through like any type of treatment or detox or recovery home talk therapy like. 

Nicole Poulton 43:00
No, I didn't know anything. I when it comes to the addiction specific stuff, I didn't know I had resources like that available. And I, I went to therapy, but more for like the childhood trauma. And we never we never talked about addiction because I didn't realize that that was something you really could talk about. I think there's so much shame around addiction. And so I, I was hiding my use for a long time. Like people knew I had a prescription, but they didn't know how much I was taking or how often or like that I was crushing it. And so I had a lot of shame around that. It wasn't until I realized that the addiction is always the solution to a deeper problem. Like no matter what it is, whether it's like drugs and alcohol or it's porn and social media, it's like, well, it's always a solution to a deeper problem. And then with me asking these new questions, it's like, well, what what are those deeper problems look like across the board? We're all humans, so it has to have some common thread. And that's where I discovered the the concept of the six human needs and so we have the need for certainty like safety variety, which is fun and excitement, love and connection, which is self explanatory, significance, like we all need to feel special. And then those are our primal needs. Everybody is getting those needs met no matter what at all times. Whether it's good or bad is up to the but those needs are getting met. And then we have our two spiritual needs, which are growth and contribution, and that's where happiness and fulfillment come in. So a lot of people miss those because they have to be intentional. And so once I understood that and it's like, okay, so if every behavior that we have is meeting one of these six human needs, like that's why we do anything like you wake up and brush your teeth because it meets one of these needs. You have certainty that you're going to feel cleaner and your teeth are going to be healthy and. Maybe it gives you some loving connection because now your breath doesn't smell, you know? So it's like there's these unconscious reasons that we every action. And so then I was thinking, if that's true, why is it that I was using all of my drugs? Like, why? Why specifically what good came from it? What mean was being met? And then I had enough leverage. I knew I needed to change and I had already built up that because of the overdose. And, you know, my my situation in the bathroom. So I already had the leverage. And then you have to be intentional to make a change. A lot of people think like, oh, I'll just stop using or I'll stop drinking and, you know, maybe go on a walk instead, or it's like, if I have a craving, I'll just get through it with willpower, just like push through. But I thought like, well, that's why people are struggling. That's why it's it's a fight every day. So what if instead of having to use willpower and lean on that, what if there was a replacement behavior that met that need that the addiction was was doing? And so then a light bulb clicked on and I'm like, well, if that's true, then in theory you could do that for any behavior. It's not just addiction. And so that was true for me. And I was able to test it. And and then sobriety. I mean, anybody listening like it doesn't have to be a challenge. Sobriety got easy for me. And but I'm like, well, maybe I'm just maybe it's a fluke. Maybe it's just works for me. And so I started testing this on my peers and my friends and seeing like, what their behaviors are leading to and and, you know, looking at it from a bird's eye view of like, well, what does this actually look like in practice in real life with other people? And then I started getting like really good feedback from it. And it it seemed like a very like solid theory. And so then I'm like, I need to actually talk to other addicts. And so I started helping other people and we would go through this and I mean, I've worked with somebody who is like their whole problem was people pleasing. It's like, that's a behavior and it's there is a reason you're meeting a need from that. And so what you know, and so we go down this whole process and and everyone that has gone through my program has found massive success. And it doesn't have to be a challenge. And it's like it's crazy how it's all psychology. So I didn't have any of those detox centers or rehab centers. I didn't know that those existed. I didn't have like I. 

Rich Bennett 47:34
Was familiar there does. And it went, Oh. 

Wendy Beck 47:36
Yeah, there there was no resources Right, right. I guess I mean, I just want to drill down a little bit on what you're saying. So what are what your I guess your, your approach is, is that you're replacing your habit with something else, whatever it is. People pleasing addiction. And so can you give us an example of that? Because I'm I don't I don't know if I clearly understand. 

Nicole Poulton 48:06
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I'll give you what, what I did. So I created this program. It's called my Climb Method. So it's an acronym. So we need to get clarity. Then we get leverage, then we get intentional, and then we have to replace like rewire the associations that we have to our experiences. So that goes with meaning and then balance because everybody's different and like, who am I to tell you what you should and shouldn't do? So going through this program, before I had the program, I was basically creating it, not understanding what I was doing. I was just trying to find what worked for me. And so I recognized at least when I when I stopped smoking weed, it's a very clear example. So I use that. So I before I stopped, like I knew I wanted to quit, but I didn't want to have to fight with willpower. And so I didn't want to just quit and then not really have a plan. And so I would have my whole set up, like I would have my bong and everything, just like sitting in front of me. And before I would smoke, I would have to write. So this is the clarity. It's like, what am I? What made me walk into this room and sit down? Like, who am I around right now? What thoughts am I thinking right now? What emotions do I have? Is this for enjoyment? Is this for numbing? Like, am I angry with someone in my bored? Like, what am I doing? Why am I doing it? So at first it wasn't like you're going to stop immediately. It's like, Well, why? Why are you using it in the first place? So we got I got clarity for that. And then once I was super clear and was able to understand why I was using it and sometimes it's different, you know, like day to day. But once I got good at understanding and checking in with myself, then I needed to build up the leverage. So when I was on pills, the overdose and that that session with the mirror like that was my leverage. But for smoking weed, it was different. I didn't want to wait for rock bottom. I didn't you know, it's like I didn't want to wait for something really bad to happen and for me to get a cancer diagnosis or something like that. So it's like I'm going to have to facilitate this pain in order to change. So human beings, we for one of two reasons. We either change because there's too much pain from our current situation or because there's a lot of pleasure in the future. So One of the two reasons is why we change. And so most of the time with addiction, we change because of pain by using it's too painful. So we decide we're going to change. You know, it's like we overdose or we we have all these health issues or whatever it is. That's what drives the change. And so I realized, like, if I'm facilitating this intentionally, why not use both? So I created I call it my shit list, I created my pain and pleasure list. So a list of everything that happens if I don't change, really reinforcing the pain of the now and then creating a list of if I do change what positive things do I get in my life? And so having these two lists and you build them as long as possible because you want to feel all the emotions and walking my clients to this, it can be really challenging. Is forcing yourself to intentionally feel pain is not comfy to say the least. It's so much better than overdosing unintentionally. So I think why not feel the pain when you're in a safe place, when it's just writing, you know, it's just mental. You can do it and kind of like warn people through it. But creating this pain list and so then because we still haven't gone through like I still haven't gone through all the steps yet, I'm still smoking. So now when I sit in front of my my setup, I have to write, okay, why am I feeling this? Like, go through and understand today, in the moment what is going on in my body, in my mind, and then go and read through my pain and pleasure list Like, is smoking worth lung cancer? Is it worth a potential DUI? Is it worth potential jail time? Is it worth losing my relationship? Is it worth, you know, all the things right. And if it was, yeah, it's worth it because I still feel really bad right now. Then it's like, okay, if it's worth it, fine. You can smoke and I would realize I it's just data like to take away the shame from it. It's just data. So if you read through your pain and your pleasure list and it's still worth it to use, then your list just aren't long enough. You didn't build up an up enough leverage. And so that's like the process that you keep going down until eventually you say, actually it's not worth it to smoke and I'm going to do something else. So then the question is like, okay, well, what do you do? Because, you know, you you have this need that's not being met. So a lot of times when I was smoking, I got all of my primal needs met. I got certainty that I knew if I smoked I would feel better. I got variety because every time you get high, it's a different experience. I got my need for significance met because drugs make you cool, you know, or so I thought. And I got my need for love and connection met because there's a community of people who all smoke. So once you meet three means or more, it's really hard to break the habit because it's meeting so many needs. And so I realized that to actually make a change, I have to meet these needs with a different behavior. And also it has to be easier because like I said earlier, we will do like we will take the path of least resistance when it's on entrees. We will take whatever is easiest in order to get the need met. That's why a lot of times people turn to anger because anger makes them feel certain and significant and so it's like we have to be by being intentional. What is a behavior that I can do that meets all of these needs? But it has to be easy. And so then I realized when I smoke, what is it like? When does it actually feel like the craving is satisfied? Because for some people it's like, Well, I want the feeling of being high. Some people it's going to the dispensary and buying it and you know, it's not even the smoking. For me. I found that what I loved about it was that first 30 seconds like you inhale and then you're calm for 30 seconds. And so I realized that whatever behavior I had to replace smoking with, I only had to me, all my primal needs, but it also had to be done in 30 seconds or less in order to make it actually the easier option. Because if I can do it in 15 seconds, that's easier than going in smoking weed. 

Wendy Beck 54:50
Okay, Well, so that's an example of that for you. 

Rich Bennett 54:54
So step aside and just breathe in the fresh air. 

Nicole Poulton 54:59
Literally. So what I realized for myself and this is why it's like with my clients, like everyone is different and my method, like my resolution doesn't work for everybody. So we all have to find our own. But what I did was you do like five super deep breaths and that gives you actually more. You know, like all of those chemicals go to your brain better than smoking. But also I found this little like meditation or saying it says I'm not the body, I'm not the emotions, I'm not the thoughts, I'm the soul. And you say that a couple of times. And when I say that to myself, it takes me out and puts me at a bird's eye view and recognizing I'm having a human experience right now, I'm having a human emotion. And it's okay that it's not easy. It's okay that I don't feel like happy right now and you don't have to go and, you know, do drugs in order to numb it because you're not the body, you're not the emotions, you're not the thoughts, you are the soul. And so, I mean, that's for me, that's not necessarily for everyone, but I mean, anybody listening, if that resonates with you, go ahead and use it. But so doing those two together made it to where I actually felt better than if I were to take a hit because I actually on my pain list being high and useless for five was part of my painless. Like I didn't like being high. I like that first 30 seconds, right? Like if I could have that the equivalent or better of that first 32nd doing this other method. And then I didn't have to have everything on my pain list. It's like this is actually the easier option. And so for everyone, I mean, it's it's so different with the, the path that you choose to take, whatever the resolution is. Another example, I have a client who you was struggling with smoking and he decided that when he has a craving, then he would go outside and go for a walk. But his craving was more about going to the dispensary and he got his need met by actually purchasing the weed. And so it's like, that's so interesting. It wasn't about smoking, it it was about having it. And so, you know, it's like everybody is so different. And so that's why that clarity phase is so important because, you know, we are all doing the actions for such different reasons. And I a lot of it was numbing this emotional pain. And so by understanding that that's what I was doing, it forces you to address it. Like that whole the law of exposure states. Like once you're exposed, you can never be unexposed, but you. 

Rich Bennett 57:47
Understand that. 

Nicole Poulton 57:48
There's going to have to address it. Otherwise you, like your subconscious, knows that you're just kind of escaping. 

Wendy Beck 57:57
Let me let me. Oh, sorry. I don't mean to interrupt, but like you. 

Nicole Poulton 58:01
I was just going to say what's going through it then? I mean, the problem is solved, right? 

Wendy Beck 58:05
Well, I mean, this is very I know you have a lot of intention behind what you're doing. So 

how does someone get there? Because that seems like a really long journey. And I know A did you have any traditional evidence based recovery practices to kind of help you get to that point? Was this all basically self taught type of thing? Like do did you have a sponsor? Did you go to meetings like, like that kind of stuff? Because I, I feel like what the journey that you're on is very, I guess, introspective. So you were able to build this for yourself. And I'm I'm just curious, like, did you have help from, you know, the evidence based stuff of prior to it? 

Rich Bennett 58:55
Yeah. 

Nicole Poulton 58:56
Definitely. So my whole first year, like, I wasn't tapping into any of what I just mentioned, like I felt so lost and I was going off of willpower just like it felt like a fight. Every day I was going to a AA meetings. I only went to a few because in my area it didn't feel like it was my my scene, but it was really helpful to go and get my 30 day tag, my 60 day tag, like having something tangible of like, I earned this and if I keep going, I'll get another one, you know? So that aspect was really powerful for me. And then I also I went to talk therapy. We weren't addressing the addiction. We were addressing the root cause of all the problems. And so by going and doing all of that, and it was years. 

Wendy Beck 59:48
I would imagine. 

Nicole Poulton 59:49
Like often, yeah, years of therapy. And then, like I said, I did seminars, so I actually like went to Tony Robbins stuff and oh. 

Wendy Beck 59:57
I love I love this journey because this is, you know, even someone who's, you know, I don't have addiction, you know, in my in my you know, present life or even in my past. But just having that kind of like growth for you, for what you're doing, it changes your mindset. And like, what you're doing right now is is revolutionary. This is really the the I guess the the future of recovery. If we can get people past that that initial stage and then they can continue. And I think that the the evidence based stuff like the the the AA and the N.A. and all of that is actually providing some of that foundation. But what you've done is you've taken it a step further. And I and I love it. I love it. 

Rich Bennett 1:00:52
Now. Yeah. I think. 

Wendy Beck 1:00:55
I mean. 

Nicole Poulton 1:00:56
I it's funny you say that I am actually. 

Rich Bennett 1:00:58
Going to last for bad that. 

Nicole Poulton 1:01:01
I I'm halfway done writing my book. I'm hoping it will be released hopefully this summer, but 

go for it now. 

Rich Bennett 1:01:11
I said don't rush it. Go ahead and take know I. 

Nicole Poulton 1:01:14
I it's been really fulfilling writing it because I can see the reader as I'm writing and I see myself. It's like, what did I need to hear at that phase? And also, how can I make it like understandable, like how can people comprehend this in a very easy to digest manner? And I do have an e-book that goes across, I mean, my whole climb program. So there's that. But the actual deep dive into it should be coming out this year. 

Wendy Beck 1:01:46
Well, I'm excited for that too, because I truly do feel, you know, I'm I'm a big proponent for the ladies that come in to our houses because I feel like that safe space that protected sobriety is something that so many need. I mean, they just do they you know, it's hard to do it on your own and and having that and the support of other people, you know, the that connection is the opposite of addiction and all of that. And creating that network, I feel like is so important. But, you know, we have them. We know we kick them out of the nest when they're ready or they they fly off on their own. And a lot of them, like you said earlier, that relapse, like what makes this relapse happen and and the piece that you're saying and that you're you're implementing into your life, into the life, to the lives of your clients is that extension. And it's that I wish that we would start being taught this in kindergarten, you know, before we have all of this stuff. We're not teaching it on a basic level on how to heal and grow. Nobody knows. You know, we're. 

Nicole Poulton 1:02:52
We nobody's teaching about emotional intelligence at all. No. Like, that's something that you have to go and search for yourself. And it's it's really too bad. 

Wendy Beck 1:03:01
Yeah. I mean, and I and like, like I said, like I have a different spiritual growth and, you know, journey that I'm on in just terms of like, you know, being intentional and, and trying to eat better and doing all of these things. But like, I'm learning it as I go, like I'm learning my body, I'm learning what, you know, what I can eat versus what I'm, you know, kind of like, you know, expected to eat when I'm with people or, you know, it's just kind of it's beautiful. I love it. I love it. I love it. So thank you so much for sharing. It's it's really a cool story and your journey is just going to bless so many people. 

Rich Bennett 1:03:40
It is. 

Nicole Poulton 1:03:41
Yeah. I I'm really grateful is with with this I think you're you're hitting it spot on the continued education and the continued help because I mean like I said about myself that first year, like my whole journal, I promise you, is so angry, like having that community and having the support of the sober living homes or rehab or whatever, it's like there needs to be intervention to some extent. And I think that that's so important. But then going out, it's like how we prevent everybody relapsing because this problem doesn't have to continue. And so I think that it's huge. And especially, I mean, with this program that I've created, it applies to any behavior. So once you know it with one, now you can use it over and over and over in your life. And it's like, now I'm don't struggle with drugs and alcohol, but maybe it's like maybe I want to cut down my screen time or I want to stop eating so much. Well, like you. 

Wendy Beck 1:04:36
Said this, like, I immediately thought, okay, you know what? Like, I might get up from here. I might not be hungry, but I walk into that kitchen and you know what? I'm going to walk into the kitchen and I'm like, Oh, I want a snack. Why am I in there? Because I'm bored. It's it's the space in between. The next thing that I have to do. And so. 

Rich Bennett 1:04:54
Like, what you. 

Nicole Poulton 1:04:55
Eat to go into the kitchen and snack, it gives you some certain right. And yeah. So pre framing all of my behaviors in that lens of what Nene does this me and and that doesn't mean that every behavior is bad it's not always bad to go and eat chocolate or whatever it's like sometimes it's depends there's no balance. 

Rich Bennett 1:05:14
Then we're. 

Nicole Poulton 1:05:15
All normal people and it's not like everything has to be fixed, you know, it's like it's just depending on your goals and your values, which I did figure out how to find. 

Rich Bennett 1:05:25
Values and goals. 

Wendy Beck 1:05:26
You learn morals. 

Rich Bennett 1:05:27
And all that. 

Wendy Beck 1:05:28
You know you are. Yeah. And you found a sense of self and that was something that you did not have. And so now tell me right now, what is your dream? Now tell me what your dream is because I know you have many. 

Nicole Poulton 1:05:40
Okay, So now I have so many dreams. Now. So my book is a huge one. I think. So I have a plan like I will be 100% at least an Amazon bestseller, but I'm shooting for the New York Times. So I've got I've got big goals in that. And also to tell you the. 

Rich Bennett 1:05:59
Secret, how to get there for that. 

Nicole Poulton 1:06:01
You know, it. 

Rich Bennett 1:06:02
Is it. 

Wendy Beck 1:06:03
Presales the presales for. 

Rich Bennett 1:06:06
It's from what I've had. Here's what a bunch of authors have told me, because you'll see presales. But what happens is like somebody can they'll ship like pallets of the books to stores. Those are considered sales. So that's what drives them up on your best deal. That's what I saw by the book's release that day and all of a sudden it's at the top. 

Wendy Beck 1:06:35
So it's because they have those presales and that's really important right now. So I'm sure you're going to do all your research on that. But I think more importantly, I think that what you have to say, there's a big audience. There is. 

Nicole Poulton 1:06:47
And yes, and that's that goes into another. 

Wendy Beck 1:06:51
We're ready for. 

Nicole Poulton 1:06:51
It. It goes into another point of my dreams and goals. It's like like being on this podcast, like sharing my story and and honoring that ten year old self who was told, you will share this because it will help somebody else. So I have to I have to honor her. And so getting on as many stages as I can podcasts connecting with as many people as possible, and helping as many people, because I know that if I was struggling at ten, it's like it's not like that stopped. There are kids out there who are struggling. There are adults struggling. Like like we said at the beginning, it doesn't discriminate. It is everywhere. And so if my story is one of the few that people can relate to and then see themselves and see the potential of what could happen, it's like it doesn't have to be a struggle. It's hard, like it's a struggle going through it. But you don't have to live your day. Every every day is a struggle. Like eventually, like that whole cliche, it does get better. It actually can. 

Wendy Beck 1:07:50
And I want a lot of people don't know that. And, you know, addiction seems to be a symptom of trauma. And there's probably way more trauma out there than like, you know, that we realize that what what kids and people are going through. So this is like a next level of healing. So congratulations. I love it. 

Nicole Poulton 1:08:11
Thank you so much. 

Rich Bennett 1:08:13
How can people find out about this program? Where do they go to? 

Nicole Poulton 1:08:18
Yeah, I think the easiest way is just my Instagram. It's at Nicole Dot Fulton or my website is Nicole Boston.com. So reaching out to me there I am all ears. Anybody who has a has I mean, I think a lot of people in addiction feel like, well, it worked for somebody, but it's not going to work for me. It's like this has. 

Rich Bennett 1:08:39
Everybody is different. 

Nicole Poulton 1:08:40
Everyone is different and and everybody finds different resources that are beneficial. But I will say this program has helped such a wide variety of problems from. You know, cocaine and pills and alcohol and people pleasing and binge eating. And and it's like there are the range is so vast. And so if you a problem and whatever you've been doing hasn't been working for you and you're curious to maybe try something new, definitely reach out again. No strings attached. We'll see if it's a good fit we're in. 

Rich Bennett 1:09:16
I think what makes your program different is if I understood it correctly, you're writing down everything. You're writing down everything on that shit list and everything else. And when you write it, that's what she calls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's going into your, your mind. You as you write it, you're thinking about that when you go back to read it, you're thinking about it again. 

Nicole Poulton 1:09:39
And then any time you to. 

Rich Bennett 1:09:40
Use me. 

Nicole Poulton 1:09:41
Anytime you want to use, you have to read it again. It's like it programs your mind of like it this behavior and this negative association. It's like it's tying that negative association to using over time. And some people, it's like first time, it's great. Some people it takes months. That's fine, because the whole point is to do it once, like do it right. So you only have to do it once. So it's okay if it takes a while. 

Rich Bennett 1:10:09
I have a few questions for before we wrap up, but let's enlarge. Wendy's gotten good. 

Wendy Beck 1:10:15
Let's hear what you have. 

Rich Bennett 1:10:16
Okay. What? Or the one question you already asked was about writing a book? Oh, 

but my my other question is, have you thought about going back to modeling at all? You know. 

Nicole Poulton 1:10:31
I have thought about it, but I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I would love to. 

Rich Bennett 1:10:38
Do that for. 

Nicole Poulton 1:10:39
It's always been my dream to do like Fashion Week, like Paris Fashion Week. 

Rich Bennett 1:10:45
Like that would be one of our. No. Where did Julia do New York Fashion Week? 

Wendy Beck 1:10:50
I don't know. I'm not sure. 

Rich Bennett 1:10:52
Yeah. One of our co-hosted New York Fashion Week. I believe so. Don't we need to make it a goal and do it? 

Nicole Poulton 1:11:00
Because, I mean, I've been tall for. 

Rich Bennett 1:11:01
Ever and I've always. 

Nicole Poulton 1:11:03
Awkward now awkward person in school. I'm like, towering over all the boys when everybody's, like, supposed to like girls and boys. I'm just like, Oh, nobody likes me. Like, you know, But it's now it's my, my superpower. I'm like, towering over mine. I'm like. 

Rich Bennett 1:11:17
Yeah, right. Oh, well, you know, it's a good thing we're not doing this in person because you and I in next to each other. And then standing next to Wendy, Wendy would be like, Yeah. 

Wendy Beck 1:11:28
Yeah, I'm five too. 

Rich Bennett 1:11:29
So you know it. 

Nicole Poulton 1:11:33
I mean, the grass is always greener. I always all my friends are always really. 

Rich Bennett 1:11:36
Well, you're closer to the grass. Yeah. 

So. Yeah. So my, my other question, you hold up your arm. Which one? That the tattoo is that plane. 

Nicole Poulton 1:11:50
Yeah. Okay. Do you want to know the story about it? 

Rich Bennett 1:11:53
Yes, I do. 

Nicole Poulton 1:11:55
Okay. So like I said, when I was going all of this, like I my my instinct is to run. Like, fight is my instinct. And when I lived in Lithuania, I was actually volunteering over there. I was teaching English to kids and I fell in love with it. And while I was over there, I had visited 13 different countries like, I'm very blessed to be able to have traveled a bunch. And and so I have a friend who I was volunteering with, and she wanted to go get like this beautiful, like hummingbird dancer tattoo. And I was just going for, like, emotional support. And her tattoo took forever. And by the end of my, oh, maybe I'll just get one like, right here. And the tattoo artist only spoke Russian and I'm just like, Hey, can I get a tattoo? And she's like, looking at me. And I'm like, I showed her a picture, just a random picture on Google. I'm like, Yeah, like a plane, maybe. And, and so she just, like, pulls a picture and just like, puts it on. It was so funny, like, she stole my lighter, so a little bit. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:06
But I. 

Wendy Beck 1:13:08
Do it kind of is funny. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:11
If you're doing your show. 

Wendy Beck 1:13:12
Like. 

Nicole Poulton 1:13:13
It does. 

Wendy Beck 1:13:13
It kind of goes like that to me is very, you know, relevant. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:18
Yeah. 

Nicole Poulton 1:13:19
And ironically now, I mean, my husband, he's a pilot, so everyone thinks that I got it for him, but I'm like. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:25
No museum, a pilot for. 

Nicole Poulton 1:13:26
But it helps. He flies for Southwest Airlines. And. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:30
Are you serious? 

Nicole Poulton 1:13:31
Yeah. He also got commissioned to fly for the Air Force, so he's in training. But we're at the beginning of the military career. 

Wendy Beck 1:13:41
Well, I wish you both the best of luck, and this is awesome. And it was such a pleasure meeting you. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:47
Oh, well, my question. Yeah, I've got two more questions. 

Wendy Beck 1:13:50
I didn't know. 

Rich Bennett 1:13:52
God rushing me off. I told you I was like a married couple. Oh, 

So any intentions on starting your podcast back up? 

Nicole Poulton 1:14:04
I do want to start the podcast back up. I don't have a timeline now because I want to kind of get a little bit more clarity on what specifically I want the mission to be. The whole first season is kind of talking about my story and getting people to understand more of of the challenges that I went through without like overwhelming them with a 15 hour episode. So it's a whole season of that. And so moving forward, I don't I just need a little bit more clarity on like it would be tactics or if it would be interviewing other people or what I would want that to look like. But I do I do have hopes to be able to bring that back up. And I would go through a rebranding and all that stuff. 

Rich Bennett 1:14:46
But okay, yeah. So before I ask my last question, Wendy, 

is there anything you would like to add? That's not my last question, by the way. Is there anything like that before I ask my last question. 

Nicole Poulton 1:14:59
If yeah, if you were willing and open to it, I would love to give the audience a gift. If they want to reach out to me or I can probably drop a link or something on the e-book that correlates. 

Rich Bennett 1:15:12
Oh yes, I'm method. 

Nicole Poulton 1:15:13
I would love to give that away like free of charge and and just help maybe plant the seed for somebody who's a little curious to understand what the method is about and how they can kind of walk through it on their own. There's tactics in the e-book and it's definitely a beneficial resource. I think in that way. 

Wendy Beck 1:15:31
I absolutely what we try to do with our ladies in our houses is, you know, they they come in and they have these things that they have to do. They have to do their meetings and they have to do IAP and all of these other things. But we're trying to implement something that we call first 30 days. So during that first 30 days, you know, when they're when they're looking for a job and they're looking for a sponsor and they're just kind of like starting to feel all of their emotions, we kind of say what what can they do? And so, you know, on a very rudimentary level, it's like okay, well, how about a vision board? You know, make a vision board. Like sometimes they don't even have like we were talking about. 

Rich Bennett 1:16:09
Burton Dreamer. 

Wendy Beck 1:16:10
Got a Dream, and then the next was get to know the women that you're living with in the house and then finally 

then get to know your community and work with our organization. If there's an opportunity to volunteer and give back. And then the final piece is to start to journal and you don't have to share it. But that's like, what? And so I would like, know it. Yeah, absolutely. But to incorporate this book that you have into that journaling thing, because I think it's it's like, you know they, they would maybe Yeah, yeah. So yeah I would, I would love that. And then you know, we could have it on our ladies, you know. 

Rich Bennett 1:16:55
Yeah. How did they get it. 

Nicole Poulton 1:16:57
I'm so I right now it's a PDF so if I have an email or because I don't think I can send a PDF Instagram. So if you reach out to me just through Instagram or you can actually, if you go to my website, there's a button that you can get and it'll go straight to your inbox. But yeah, my website or Instagram for the listeners and then for you guys, I can just email you. And then also I have part the program. I have this document that is like 50 questions of clarity, questions that would be really beneficial for your your girls to kind of as like all prompts. I can send you that to. 

Wendy Beck 1:17:36
Be a rage against addiction dot com but I will message you. 

Nicole Poulton 1:17:41
Okay perfect. Yeah. Now any way can help. I would love to be of service so. 

Rich Bennett 1:17:48
All right now how many of these podcast have you been on as a guest so far? 

Nicole Poulton 1:17:54
I'm less than 50. More than 30. It's kind of a grey area, I would say. 

Rich Bennett 1:18:00
I tried this question to work then. 

It will definitely work. Out of all the hosts that have spoken to you, is there any you know the question already, don't you? 

Nicole Poulton 1:18:12
I do. 

Rich Bennett 1:18:13
Do I don't want you to. Yeah. Yeah, you've heard. Is there anything that a host has never asked you that you wish they would have asked you? And if so what would be that question and what would be your answer? 

Nicole Poulton 1:18:26
That is not the question I thought you were going to ask. I thought you were going to watch. My favorite host was. 

Wendy Beck 1:18:31
Well, I already know which. 

Nicole Poulton 1:18:33
Is you. 

Rich Bennett 1:18:33
Right? Oh, it's obviously. Yeah. 

Nicole Poulton 1:18:39
What have they not asked me? I don't. 

Rich Bennett 1:18:42
Know. Do you wish they would have asked you? 

Nicole Poulton 1:18:44
Yeah. You guys have really covered all the bases 

here. No. Maybe about. 

Oh, I don't know, I, I think one thing that I would like to share that I don't know how it would be framed as a question, but just something that I haven't shared on a podcast yet is when it comes to the sexual abuse. So I know that our focus is is addiction. But for all those listening, the addiction is always, always, every single time a solution to a deeper problem. And so for me, having gone through the sexual abuse, I didn't think that there was any way to actually get over it. I thought that it was going to be lifelong healing and a life of pain forever. I thought that I wasn't going to have a sense of self or any self worth or confidence, like my ability to make eye contact like that, fear like even. I mean, as a woman. Also, I'm sure that I mean, men and women, we all struggle with the same things. But being a woman, there's that extra level of, of the lack of safety and and the ability to protect yourself and and all this stuff. And so I just want to to let the audience know, I guess, that as long as you don't give up on your journey of healing, as long as you don't call it quits because they're like my my method is called the client program. So if you think about climbing a mountain, it's not an upward slope all the time. You're going up, you're going down, you're going around, you're going up, you're going down, you're going, you know, so it's the path looks different and it gets hard sometimes in the middle, sometimes harder than it is at the beginning. And that doesn't mean you're on the wrong path and that doesn't mean that you give up. And so I just want to say, like, it's not easy, but it is always worth it. And that messy middle is what makes that the peak of your mountain so profoundly beautiful. By making it through all of that healing, all of the trauma, all of the addiction and all of the abuse, all of that craziness that you have gone through, you're going through it for a reason, because it's going to make your view at the top that much better. 

Rich Bennett 1:21:19
So make sure you just make sure you make sure you take the groomer trail, right? 

Nicole Poulton 1:21:25
Yeah. Take the groomers. It's a little easier. Less dangerous. 

Wendy Beck 1:21:29
Or not. 

Rich Bennett 1:21:33
Because I want I want to Thank you so much, Wendy. Thank you. It's always good seeing you. And the the door is open anytime. You want to come back on, just let me. 

Wendy Beck 1:21:44
Know. And I want that. 

Rich Bennett 1:21:45
I love you. 

Wendy Beck 1:21:47
Yes, absolutely. 

Nicole Poulton 1:21:50
Okay. Yeah, Yeah. I'll send it over to you for sure and and like I said, anybody listening? If if you're interested in the e-book or the program or just have questions like definitely reach out on Instagram or on my website. 

Rich Bennett 1:22:01
Sounds good. Thanks. So much. Thank you. 

Nicole Poulton 1:22:04
You guys are awesome.