Curried Chips & Poutine: 1 - The Pilot!

SAREENA: (intro)
Hi everyone! Welcome to Curried Chips and Poutine, the podcast that will hopefully bring some lightheartedness to the trials and tribulations of 2020. This is the pilot episode where things sound a bit rough and ready, just like we are. One of us is Scottish, the other is Canadian, and in due time you'll find out exactly who's who. Enjoy!

SAREENA:
Hey everyone! I'm Sareena, I'm from Scotland and we're here to answer some questions that you did not ask.

MELISSA:
Hi, I'm Melissa from Canada and also about to answer some questions that literally nobody asked for! All right, I had some basic questions to kind of start people off with, or to start you off with, so -

SAREENA:
Yeah, set the mood!

MELISSA:
-  would you rather eat everything in cake form, or everything in pie form?

SAREENA:
Oh goodness, cake or pie... well, this draws me to that, you know, trend that everything is cake? That makes me so mad. It just makes me so mad, all the time,  look at this burger and fries! That is cake. [laughs]

MELISSA:
Surprise! [laughter throughout]

SAREENA:
Surprise! That was not welcomed! Erm, I would probably have to go for pie, actually?

MELISSA:
Yeah, eh?

SAREENA:
My love for pastry, I think, transcends cake on this one, and I think pie, you CAN make it sweet or savoury without being like... rude.

MELISSA:
[cracking up]

SAREENA:
I think it would be rude! Rude of cake not to be sweet, but I would not always want to eat sweet things, you know? You know? [also cracking up]

MELISSA:
I mean, that is totally fair... But like - but let's kind of dig deeper with that, like that's hilarious by the way, but you know like cake- pie everything, for example, like an Oreo, you'd be like a cookie crust with like Oreo-filling pie filling, like that.

SAREENA:
But doesn't that sound delicious? I don't see any problem with that!

MELISSA:
Okay no you're absolutely right. Bad example, but -

SAREENA:
[laughing] It's like-

MELISSA:
-no, like say for example the savoury stuff, right? Like you're eating like, I dunno, a soup or something, I dunno, actually-

SAREENA:
[still laughing] Is it a pie bowl? But then is the soup also pie? I don't understand how that works now.

MELISSA:
Uh, I'm confusing myself also because that's what I initially thought, "Aw, you know, like some kind of edible soup b- well they have that though - "

SAREENA:
Some sort of edible soup? I think that's just called 'soup'! [laughter at Melissa's expense]

MELISSA:
I - [cracking up] Shut up! I was saying 'edible soup bowl'!! [more laughter]

SAREENA:
Would you rather - and this is gonna maybe continue on with the senses theme, um -

MELISSA:
Okay!

SAREENA:
- would you rather eat as much chocolate as you want forever without any negative side effects, OR receive one million dollars? Or pounds, or whatever currency that you desire, I suppose.

MELISSA:
Can I have that in change?

SAREENA:
In one-pennies, please!

[Laughter from both.]

MELISSA:
[mockingly] Can I have them in shillings, please?

SAREENA:
How dare you.

MELISSA:
[laughing still] Wait, so just the one time payment of a million dollars?

SAREENA:
Yes. Or you can eat chocolate forever and ever, and it does nothing except fill you with joy and happiness, 'cause chocolate.

MELISSA:
[snrrk] I feel like this question is really skewed towards the chocolate answer 'cause let's be real, one million dollars in this economy is not as much as it ought to be? Well actually no, that's a lie, a million dollars is a lot, but... if I could eat like, chocolate without getting caffeine headaches, and like, nothing happens to my teeth... and like, my tummy doesn't hurt, then hell yeah I'm going to eat chocolate all day every day.

SAREENA:
Yeah, it's like without any negative side effects so, is that your answer?

MELISSA:
Yes, it is absolutely my answer.

SAREENA:
Chocolate wins! And I feel like, you know, over a lifetime, I'm sure people have eaten over a million dollars or pounds worth of chocolate, I'm sure that's a thing...

MELISSA:
That's like a five-bar-a-day habit, what are you doing to eat that much chocolate?? [cracking up]

SAREENA:
It's 2020, that's all I'm saying....

MELISSA:
[laughing] I mean, yeah that's - okay yeah, if ever there was a time to fill up on chocolate I guess, that'd... that'd be it, oh my gosh.

SAREENA:
So, would you rather lick your best friend's foot, or let a stranger lick your foot?

MELISSA:
Ewww, what the... your foot? [incredulous]

SAREENA:
[cracking up] Yeah, just lick it, you know-

MELISSA:
Okay, I have a question to ask about your question - so it concerns me, so that's the best friend, you let the best friend? Are they doing this willingly??

SAREENA:
You would have to tell them, unless you're gonna like surprise lick it! I think that would be a lot more awkward, wouldn't it? [laughing]

MELISSA:
Oh geez. Oh wait, so I'm the one doing the licking? I don't like this question! [laughing too]

SAREENA:
You know, to keep on with your food theme and things, yeah?

MELISSA:
[still laughing] OKAY, BUDDY I don't know what you're implying!

SAREENA:
But! Make your decision!

MELISSA:
Oh my god. Hang on, one more time, it was, am I doing the licking or is someone licking me?

SAREENA:
So that's the two options, either you lick your best friend's foot, or you let a complete stranger lick your foot.

MELISSA:
[general sounds of indecision] This question sucks. I dunno, I might honestly just let a stranger do it, because then I don't have to live with the fact that I've had to lick my best friend's foot.

SAREENA:
But wouldn't it be reassuring that you know where those feet have been? You should hope the person, your best friend is very clean anyway, but the stranger could be anybody! You don't know what they've been doing! You don't know where they've been!

MELISSA:
Yeah but also, you don't understand - feet are disgusting regardless! Look, if you're into it you're into it, but I am not. But oh my god... just the idea of- no, I can't do it, I cannot do it, no no no. Absolutely not.

SAREENA:
Just give it a little lick, mleh-

MELISSA:
Okay, so then what would you do?

SAREENA:
Oh, I'd let the stranger - no no, stranger lick my foot, I'll have a full bath and shower number, I'm gonna exfoliate, I'm gonna scrub that foot until it's raw and clean and, you know, hopefully we'll have the Men in Black mind-laser and it'll ALL BE FINE.

[Laughter all round.]

MELISSA:
Okay, I'm glad we're on the same page here, geez! All right!

SAREENA:
Hit me up, hit me up, what you got?

MELISSA:
Oh, you know - let's bring up a tried and true; would you rather use things that are way too big for you, or use things that are way too small for you?

SAREENA:
Use things? Or wear things?

MELISSA:
So like- like tools, or - tools or like utensils, that kind of thing.

SAREENA:
So give me a example then, of a utensil that could be too big for me.

MELISSA:
Okay, so, say you're... going to sweep the house. You're either using a broom that's two inches wide, or you're using a broom that's like 7 feet wide. Think comically oversized or comically undersized.

SAREENA:
Right, so okay, so I'm using a massive broom. If I could angle it just right I could get everything done really quickly... but if I go for the super teeny thing, I'd just be there for 5 years. I believe there is a right answer, but I'ma go with the big! I'ma go with the too big.

MELISSA:
Really?

SAREENA:
Yeah, I've got extra of everything if anyone needs it.

MELISSA:
Okay, I mean, that's fair. And you know, I think - it's always a matter of sometimes something super tiny would be better, and sometimes super huge is the way to go.

SAREENA:
Look, it's not all about size, it's just how you use it, and angles are very important in any game you play.

MELISSA:
[cracking up] Okay, but it's still not gonna do you much if you have a room that's like 5 feet- a room that's like 20 feet by 20 feet (I actually don't know how big rooms are? Okay whatever); 20 feet by 20 feet, and you have a broom that's like, an inch wide versus a broom that's like, 30 feet wide.

SAREENA:
If you wanna spend your life cleaning, Melissa, I will not stop you. But you know, I've got better things to do, like wash my foot after it'd been licked by a stranger, okay? I've got bigger problems on my hands here.

MELISSA:
It's like you're just soaking in your Olympic pool-sized bathtub because it's too big for you-

SAREENA:
[laughing] That would be amazing! Who's gonna complain if their bathtub is the size of an Olympic-sized swimming pool?

MELISSA:
I mean, I might, not gonna lie... I might. But!

SAREENA:
How many bath bombs would you need to fill that?

MELISSA:
Oh my god, I don't even know. I mean - oh you know what's hilarious, because they have like the big huge honkin' bath bombs now,  right? I went into a Lush recently and they had a bath- a bubble bar, and those things are- you break off a chunk and you crumble it up, right?

SAREENA:
Yeah.

MELISSA:
This one that I saw, if normally - if you look at what it looks like normally it's a... y'know, it's about like a fist-sized chunk, maybe a bit bigger, and it's good for like four baths, maybe.

SAREENA:
Uh-huh?

MELISSA:
The big version they have of this guy is literally the size of like... a dinner serving plate. And I asked the girl working and she was like, "yeah, you can get like, 20 baths out of this" and I'm like-

SAREENA:
A chunky boy, a chunky boy.

MELISSA:
-It's a big chunky boy!! Who needs that much? I mean, clearly, if you have an Olympic- even for an Olympic-sized bath you'd still need like 20-

SAREENA:
- a million.

MELISSA:
I've got a great one for you. Would you rather taste things through your elbows, or through your ears?

SAREENA:
Uh, what? [disbelieving laughter] Through my elbows or my ears? Well, my elbows touch everything! So then I would be tasting everything!

MELISSA:
Well that sounds like a you problem to me!

SAREENA:
What do your elbows do?

MELISSA:
I'm rubbing them with other people. Huh?  Huuuh?

SAREENA:
That's a very conscientious socializing there. Erm, but then my ear would taste everything. But do I still get like... you know, earwax?

MELISSA:
Ohhh. I mean.... gross, but I also didn't think about this, so-

SAREENA:
It's natural, okay?

MELISSA:
No it is, it is, but oh man... you'd have food and stuff caked in your earwax I guess- no, that's gross...

SAREENA:
No, as in like generally, if I have to taste things through my ear, I have the general undertone of earwax?

MELISSA:
Oh no, you don't, no.

SAREENA:
And then- oh, okay. That's just- okay, I'ma put some chocolate in my eardrums?

MELISSA:
Yes. You're just gonna - you know when someone offers you a free sample, you're just gonna take it off the plate and just hold it up to your ear and be like, "Mmm, yes, it's delicious, the undertones are wonderful"-

SAREENA:
[cracking up] Oh my goodness. [fake, extra snooty British accent] 'I'm so posh, we taste things with our ears, don't you know?'

MELISSA:
Well don't mind me, I'm just gonna elbow-drop this bowl of soup, just be like 'huergh'!

SAREENA:
Yeah, that's just... what? Ugh-

MELISSA:
That's right!

SAREENA:
Am I eating with the ear, or am I just tasting, like do I have to stick it in my ear first, and then I get to eat it normally with my mouth? Or is there teeth in my ear?

MELISSA:
Ohhh. Oh, fun, I hadn't considered the idea of teeth in ears, and I kinda like it?

SAREENA:
Why would you like that??

MELISSA:
Fanged elbows!

SAREENA:
That's even worse, now there's a mouth on my elbow!! And I would have two mouths, and then oh my god- my mind is blown right now, Melissa, this is what you've done!

MELISSA:
Yes excellent good! Oh my gosh. Um, you know what, I'm gonna say - yeah, you know what, that's how you taste things, so your mouth is just for chewing and swallowing. To actually taste, or to get the first taste of something, you're just gonna hold it to your ear or dunk your elbow into it.

SAREENA:
Okay. I feel much more reassured that there's no longer teeth in my ears, oh my god. That is terrifying. I'ma go with, I'll taste with my ear, yeah, because if you've got taste sensations on your elbow you are just tasting, you know, the desk, your armchair, the person you're elbowing, you know, when they're not wearing their masks, you know... all those kind of things... That's just too much of a sensory overload so I'll just go with my ears.

MELISSA:
I mean... sure, if you wanna be lame about it. No, I'm kidding-

SAREENA:
I don't wanna be lame about it, this is the correct answer, thank you!

MELISSA:
I mean, there ARE no correct answers, really and truly, except for, y'know, that chocolate one. Why? Why would you not- but I dunno, honestly I'm still torn, because I still think it would be really, really funny to just like, pull out a wrestling move and bodyslam something your elbow? And be like "YEAH, THIS SOUP IS GREAT"!

SAREENA:
[laughter] I mean, yes? I mean aesthetically I'm sure that would be quite something to see, but I'll stick with just randomly sticking things into my ear, that's fine, that's fine.

MELISSA:
Okay, fine. No, you know what, I'm committing to this now, I'm sticking with my elbow but I'll cover up my elbow, I'll get fun elbow patches.

SAREENA:
-that just have the taste of fruit or something on the inside, just spread some jam inside your clothes for you to taste while you go on your day.

MELISSA:
Absolutely. Oh my gosh, okay.

SAREENA:
That was a very good one, very good.

MELISSA:
Thank you, I try! I think we have time for one more, maybe? Sareena, if you'd like to conclude things?

SAREENA:
Oh no, now I have to choose! There's one that I wanted- I've been wanting to ask-

MELISSA:
Uh oh...

SAREENA:
-so - I mean, it's not in the direction you think it is, but I think it'd just be funny.

MELISSA:
Do it!

SAREENA:
Melissa, my dearest friend-

MELISSA:
Oh no-

SAREENA:
- would you rather wrestle a bear or an alligator?

MELISSA:
Aaahhh.  Okay, this one... I'm just running through the logistics here. Aaaw, man, you know, people have done these things-

SAREENA:
Yes, which is terrible, don't ever ever-

MELISSA:
- yeah, don't mess with the wildlife, they got it hard enough. But... aw, my god, I might say- wait wait, alligator? Crocodile? What was it?

SAREENA:
Yeah, alligator. I mean, crocodile. I mean, they're cousins, they can tag team, maybe?

MELISSA:
How dare you, you didn't say anything about that! It's a one-on-one -

SAREENA:
No no no, it IS a one-on-one fight, you're right.

MELISSA:
Okay. Um, oh geez, you know what, I'm probably gonna go with a crocodile-

SAREENA:
I would too.

MELISSA:
- because bears are terrifying. Sometimes like - Canada's bear country, okay? We have-

SAREENA:
Yeah, this is true.

MELISSA:
I mean, not where I am, but like I've heard the stories! And bears are-

SAREENA:
[laughing] "I've heard the stories"-

MELISSA:
-Look, of all the megafauna that we have here, bears are monsters, okay? We have moose, we have wolverines, we have bears. I am not about to mess with any of them.

SAREENA:
And in Scotland, we have sheep.

[Mutual snickering.]

MELISSA:
Yeah, you have sheep, you have unicorns, allegedly, but you know-

SAREENA:
Uh, what do you mean 'allegedly'?  They're our national animal, I'll have you know, and so they're our national animal because they existed in Scotland. We are magical, I am magical. Yes.

MELISSA:
[cracking up in the background] Well, I'm definitely not gonna deny that, but until I see and record a unicorn with my special eyes, then I'll believe it. But-

SAREENA:
So are you gonna go with alligator, then?

MELISSA:
Yes. So the thing about alligators is, and I think this is for crocodiles too, either or, but whatever - point is, they have a really strong, really powerful jaws to clamp down, so that's why they can like, bite down with such force. But they have like next to no strength for opening again-

SAREENA:
Yes.

MELISSA:
- they talk about it, that it's an easy way to- well, I won't say 'easy' because you shouldn't be tangling with them anyways, but like a way to subdue them would be to hold their jaws shut  because then they can't open them again to throw you off.

SAREENA:
...Are you encouraging our listeners to go out and wrangle some alligators?

MELISSA:
I am not, but then again I am not Australian, I have no experience.

[Laughter from both sides.]

SAREENA:
I mean, I think - yeah, you're right, I would go with alligator as well, because if you can, you know, quickly sidestep them then jump on the back of them, and do all those things with such grace and skill if you can hang onto them as I think you've got a better bet, but bears... they're big, they're grizzly-
[various joke acknowledgement noises] -I don't favour my chances there, not at all.

MELISSA:
Oh my gosh, could you imagine? 'Cause the thing too, I think, with bears AND alligators, they can move a lot faster than you expect.

SAREENA:
Yes, for sure.

MELISSA:
I've heard people say that bears can like, gallop at about like, the speed of like a galloping horse, which to me is horrifying.

SAREENA:
That is horrifying.

MELISSA:
Right?

SAREENA:
Although I do know that if an alligator or a crocodile is chasing you, you have to run in a zigzag, because they can't turn very well, they can't go forward very well so, you know, just put some pirouettes in there, you'll be all good.

MELISSA: (outro)
Hey, thanks so much for listening to the pilot episode! We are getting sharper each time we record, we're learning so much on this journey, thank you for being part of it with us! If you have comments, questions, feedback at all, send an email to us at curriedchipsandpoutine@gmail.com, we'd love to hear from you. And, you know, maybe straighten your back, take a deep breath, think of a kitten wearing a little hat - it's just so happy! And thanks for coming on this journey with us, we hope to catch you next time!