"Have I Messed Up My Kid's Relationship with Food and Body?"

Remember it's never too late to have these conversations with your kids, really no matter the age of. I'm learning something different. Maybe I need to, maybe I feel the need to apologize for some things in the past that I genuinely said out of love and care and concern, but this is kind of where I want to take things moving forward and being able to have those conversations as needed with our children and being able to ask for forgiveness. I think there's so much power in that too, and that creates a safe place for kids to then come to us and talk to us about these things when we've shown them we're human and we are in need of forgiveness, just like they are.

Hey there, I'm Amy Connell. Welcome to Grace Health, the podcast for women who want simple and grace filled ways to take care of themselves and enjoy a little chocolate. I'm a certified personal trainer and nutrition coach who wants you to know your eating, movement and body don't have to be perfect, you just need to be able to do what you're called to do, as I've been on my own journey of repairing my relationship with my body and food and man. It's been a long journey. I have realized that much of the messaging I gave my children, especially in their younger years, was given out of love but not necessarily helpful for their relationship, particularly with food, and I know that my experience raising young men is infinitely different than raising young women. Moms, if you have daughters, my heart is with you and I just honor how difficult this is. I passionately believe that navigating bodies and food and self-image is significantly more challenging for young women than for men, or girls than boys, though, to be clear, men can and do have their own challenges. But what happens, what happens when we end up where I am and we realize the messaging we have given our children, is something we wish we could change. There's that saying that when you know better, you do better, but what do we do when what we didn't know was harmful? That's why I am so thrilled to have registered dietitian Kristin Williams with us today. She is here to help us and I don't know why this comes to mind, but, like the little Einstein's used to say, the murky, muddy waters. Kristin works with all types of clients, male and female, young and not so young, but also with a lot of young women and their parents. I knew she was just the right person to have this conversation, with compassion and grace and truth. And however old your children are if you're thinking, have I messed them up? This is an episode for you and she has such wisdom and guidance for us, no matter how old we are and how old our children are. So let me tell you a bit about Kristin before we bring her on. She is a registered dietitian and certified eating disorder specialist. We will often see those letters as CEDS, helping individuals to make peace with food and their bodies using a non-diet approach. Kristin owns a private practice in Dallas, texas, called wonderfully made nutrition counseling, and I know you're going to go want to follow her when we are done. She and her associate, kate provide nutritional counseling to adults as well as adolescents struggling with eating disorders, disordered eating, chronic dieting and body image concerns. In her practice, kristin uses a Christ-centered approach for individuals who are interested in incorporating faith into their recovery journey. Kristin is also author of the book Unworthy Weight and is the founder of In His Image, which is an annual body image conference for teen girls and women. And actually, if you will listen in toward the end, kristin is generously offering a 50% off code to get the replay. So whenever you are listening to this, you will be able to purchase the replay for this conference and get all of the wisdom that it has. I can't wait for you to hear this conversation. We do a little bit of back and forth and I kind of go on some rabbit trails, but those are honestly. Everything comes out of my own struggles and struggles that people have bravely shared with me, so I know you are going to be able to gain so much from Kristin. Let's bring her on. Kristin, welcome to Grace Tell.

Thanks so much for having me, Amy. I'm excited to be here.

I'm excited as well and I feel like I have to give a huge shout out to Erin Todd for connecting us. Erin is the host of the Intuitive Eating for Christian Women podcast and she has a wonderful community, and I think she just sent us an email and said you guys need to meet, and I'm so glad she is.

She is great about connecting people, so I'm thankful for that as well.

I wanted to have you on today, kristin, because we, like I said in that intro, there are. I can only speak for myself, but I have two late teens, so I've got an 18 year old son and a 19, almost 20 year old, and there are some messaging and words and actions that I wish I could have changed, and I don't think that I'm alone. As I'm learning more about relationship with food and my body. I'm kind of going can we like control Z that and do something different, and so I wanted you to be able to come on, and what I would like is if you can start by telling a bit about your practice and who you work with, where that sweet spot is, before we get going into some of those questions.

Yeah, absolutely. As you mentioned, my practice is in Dallas and we treat individuals with eating disorders and disordered eating, chronic dieting, body image concerns, and I meet with males and females, but predominantly females, and the ages range anywhere from, I'd say, about 11 to mid 70s. So quite a large range and just part of our conversation. Today I'm meeting with teenagers who are reporting difficult conversations with moms and I'm talking with those moms and kind of helping them navigate conversations. And then I'm also meeting with women who have adult children and they are learning this stuff a little bit later and wondering kind of how to navigate these conversations now with their kids who no longer live in their homes. So kind of a wide variety of stages.

I think that's such a necessary element of your practice. That you can offer is kind of being that mediator between child and parent, regardless of how child and parent, how old they are. And what I'm kind of hearing you say too is you can help in that restoration and repairing process, because I know I grew up with a lot of food rules and diet rules and body rules, and this is just the culture that I grew up in. I mean, I don't want to pin anything on anyone. And now I'm learning, oh, those weren't the best thing, and I think a lot of my community is learning that as well. So I'm so grateful that you can do that and that you are doing that. So I guess let's just start with, like, let's say, someone comes into your office and they're wanting to improve their relationship with food and their body and they're making progress. And then they realize, oh man, I really wish I would have done some things different. And they're thinking have I screwed up my kids? And maybe they are not even with you, but it's. You know, these are the questions that are coming through as we are listening and learning. So I mean this whole thing of like have I screwed up my pets, because this is one thing that you and I were talking about and you just kind of mentioned it and passing, and I was like whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. This is what we need to talk about.

Yeah, I mean, and I want this conversation to be handled with such grace because I know we're speaking on the topic today of Food and body image, but I'm a mom to three very little children my youngest is five and I've already experienced, you know, these intrusive thoughts in other areas. So, again, just kind of handling this conversation With grace. But I would say, amy, the first thing I really focus on with these individuals is tackling shame, because a lot of times when women are having these Realizations, really no matter the age of their children, but I think sometimes there's more shame, almost it may be not necessarily, but but almost when they have older kids or adult children, because there's this sense of it's too late and there's so much shame there. And so I really try To address the shame first and just reminding people we're broken people, trying to raise broken people and Doing the best that we can. And for a lot of these women they are coming from their own childhood experiences, messaging that they heard around food and body image, and they're either repeating that in their home as a mom Because that's all they know they're coming from what they know, the tools they have or they knew early on that that was not helpful for them in their own relationship with food and body. So they're trying something different with their own children, but it's almost this uncharted territory. Is this helpful? Is it not helpful? I want to prevent her from experiencing some of the hurts and pains that I experienced, and so really, I start the conversation with just trying to Speak into some of that shame.

Different is scary when you say we're you know, some people are trying to do something different, and I think that we see that in a lot of different Family dynamics, where you just happen to repeat what you know because that is all you know, and then there's there's no history of you know well, this has been successful or this worked well, and so Then you just kind of feel like you're in totally uncharted territory sometimes when you're trying to change the narrative around food, around Body image, you know all of that kind of stuff. Like I, the thing that is just top of mind to me right now is Like this whole concept of sugar. Sugar is just sugar and if there's no good food, there's no bad food. However, there are elements of sugar that you know will help us, that will make us feel and function Maybe not as optimally as we will and, by the way, feel free to clarify or correct or anything like that. So it's, this whole thing of a parent is like I know of my kid it has too much sugar. Then they're not. You know, they may not feel well or they'll go out of control because they're. We're putting all, we're projecting how we may feel about it, but at the same time. There's no good and bad food and it's just like this whole mind. I can't use the word on air, but like it's, it messes us up in the head.

It's hard and I think I don't even know that I have like a great solution to some of those difficult topics like sugar. But it becomes a difficult thing to navigate because we know that oftentimes, especially for Parents of kids that are still living in the home, like those, think those like high school teen years there's often a power struggle and I see this a lot in my office. You know mom is too concerned, you're about the sugar consumption and Openly so voicing those concerns and it typically causes almost this rebound effect of. You know now Mom goes to bed and parents in general are like Mom goes to bed and parents in general. But we're speaking, you know, to a predominantly female audience and kids that parents go to bed and then the child is eating in secrecy or door, dashing food on mom and dad's credit card late at night or vice versa. You know parents are concerned, you're not eating enough. Maybe not on the topic of sugar necessarily and and that can kind of trigger this rebound effect of Now I'm gonna eat even less. And so really being careful of how do we navigate these conversations at home and ways that are really fruitful and not causing the opposite effect of what we're wanting to happen. And I think that sometimes, when, when we're voicing our concerns, like about sugar, for example, just so often, it can almost create that that kind of reverse outcome of what we're hoping for, where now we have a child consuming Even more food and we might be contributing to a poor relationship with food unknowingly.

And that's really consistent too with a lot of the research that's out there about self restriction. Oh, I can't have that, because I'll eat the whole thing if I have one Oreo. I have the whole sleeve if I have, and so it's kind of taking that same research. And if you are Moderate, I mean what I think, what I'm hearing you say is, if you're moderating, if you're restricting, if you are in the ear of a child, then they may go far the other way and try and take control over that and have more than what they more normally might want to have, because it's like, well, I'll, I'll show them.

I mean, maybe that's exactly what they're thinking most of the time and I think that's where my role as a dietitian comes into is I tell this especially to the teenage population. I'm imagining in our conversation will probably hit on a variety of ages and even the adult children, but especially with that teenage population I tell the moms and the teens let me be the food police as the dietitian, let me take some of that on so that you guys can be mom and daughter, so that you can be, you know, mom and son and I can really focus more on the guidelines, recommendations, meal plan, that kind of thing. Obviously parents are going to be in charge of, you know, planning the meals and grocery shopping, but really taking on some of that pressure as the dietitian to help with some of that tension that might be going on in the home or some of that power struggle, so that they can really focus on just being a family.

That's a great point and I think that that is more effective. Anyway, I mean, I, you know I work with these young women. I've trained teens for many years and you know I would always do like a little five minute nutrition lesson at the end and I would tell a lot of the moms look, I'm not saying anything different than what you're telling them in terms of, like, drink your water, have some fruits and vegetables I mean very basic stuff that's within my scope of practice, but they'll listen to me because I'm not mom. I like how you say having a different voice in there is, or maybe more effective and more helpful than mom coming in being the food police.

Yeah, absolutely, and kind of to what we were talking about earlier of. Oftentimes as parents we're either repeating what we know, because it's all we know, or we're trying something different in hopes that it goes well. I've met with clients who've said well, I take my daughter to Weight Watchers because that's what my mom did with me and that's all I know to do. And then I've had other parents that I've met with who've said gosh, you know, growing up my dad called me thunder thighs and tons of fun. And I don't want my daughter experiencing that, experiencing those comments. I see it happening at school and with her, with her peers, and so I'm trying to really help her with her food. But the approach is sometimes and oftentimes, more harmful than helpful.

Yeah. So let me dig into that a little bit because I feel like I feel like a lot of grace is needed to be given to parents because most of the time not all the time, but most of the time the messaging comes out of a place of caring and of love. It may not be the best and most helpful and productive things to say, but it is from a place of I care about you, I want to protect you. I don't want people saying mean things behind your back or online. I mean there's a lot of me and so where, what is our place in that, especially parents of daughters and I? Maybe it's unfair to pull it out, but I was just having a conversation with a friend this morning. She goes I think it's worse for girls and their teens. I said I do too. I mean just the comparison and social media and all of that kind of stuff. So what? Where is our place in all of that? What kind of guidance and I know that the totally wanting to protect our child, wanting them to thrive, wanting them to feel well, but not at the same time unintentionally creating shame or harm or hurt.

I mean, that's a very good question and I probably have that question myself, but I'll try my best to answer. I think I really think there's a time to listen and a time to speak, and I'll share this analogy that I often share with clients and parents. I'll say a lot of times it's almost like the child or teenager has fallen into a ditch and they're stuck in the ditch and they don't know how to get out. Maybe they don't want to get out, maybe they're scared to get out, but they're stuck in the ditch and there's typically, with what I see, two parental responses. One is the parent that leans their head over the ditch and says you know, come on, amy, you can do it, come on out, I believe in you, you've got it girl. You know words of affirmation, you can do it, let's go. The second parental response is the parent that jumps into the ditch with the child, sits there, acknowledges this is really hard, this is difficult. When you're ready, we'll get out together. And usually, when I share that analogy with parents, they're able to very quickly identify which one they resonate with. And when I share it with teens, they're usually very quickly able to identify which one to resonate, that they resonate or that they resonate with for each parent and I think that oftentimes again, just like you said, we're coming from a place of love and concern and wanting to protect and I think that's why it's so important to tackle that shame early on. But I think sometimes we jump to quickly fix or affirm and sometimes we're not so quick to just sit and listen and moms might say, well, my daughter doesn't want to say anything. I would love to hear her talk but she's not sharing her feelings with me and I think sometimes that also takes time of creating an environment where we can sit and listen and kind of figure out what is that balance of listening and speaking, if that addresses your question.

Yeah, it does. I mean, what are your thoughts on a parent? So let's just use for simplification, let's just use mom and daughter in this conversation. That may not apply to you if you know, whatever, so like, put the labels on wherever you need to, but what are your thoughts on a mom sharing some of her challenges and struggles, either currently or at their daughter's age, in the hopes of tackling the shame, of acknowledging that and creating some empathy surrounding the challenge that her daughter may or may be in, but maybe not. It may be something totally different or perceived totally.

Yeah, I actually think that's great. I think you know, with discernment, with what's appropriate to share, I think that that is a great idea. It can even help sometimes for walls to come down for the daughter where they feel like, hey, my mom is relatable, she's experienced this in some capacity. We may have different stories or experiences, but she's able to relate on some level and because of that maybe she's a safe place for me to go. You know, and I often this isn't food or body image related, but we're navigating kindergarten right now for the first time and just being open with my child about times where I've been scared or times where peers weren't nice to me, and I think that that almost allows the child this opportunity to take a deep breath and feel understood and validated. I think the important thing for moms to remember is to tie it back to issues of the heart versus issues of the body, because I think sometimes again I can't stress this enough Well meaning, loving moms, because, let's be real, moms that aren't well meaning and loving probably aren't even trying to have these conversations. So if you're trying to have these conversations and you're just not able to figure it out, you are probably, I'm assuming, loving and well meaning, but the challenge becomes going back to the example of the mom that said you know, I was called this and I was called that, and I want my daughter to not experience that. I want to protect her. So I'm trying to manage her body so she doesn't get made fun of, and that's tying it back to her body Instead of back to issues of the heart. I'm trying to keep my daughter thin so that comments aren't made, when, in reality, is comments are going to be made about our children, no matter what their body size. So tying it back to issues of the heart, and I think that's helpful, even when a mom is disclosing her own story.

I really like that example because we can inadvertently tie our fear of what may or may not happen to our children to their body size, and that is the seed of weed that we do not want in our heart. Yeah, okay, all right, you know you talked some. You've mentioned a couple of times about tackling Shane. Can I ask how we can even go about doing that? Which, again, I'm throwing all of the big questions at you, I'm sorry.

Oh, I think that's a great question. I mean that's my approach to like 99% of my clients right now, because they're just covered in it. I mean we all are, whether this is the topic or it's something else. You know we're all covered in it, and so I think that it is such a process of kind of peeling it back, if you will. But really, I guess how I approach that specifically with moms is first listening to them and validating. You know, of course you would behave in this way or talk in this way. You know, when this was your experience with food, when this was your experience with your body, when this was your experience with exercise, of course you would be saying this to your daughter. It makes so much sense. I'm not saying that that was the most helpful thing, and I'm there to provide tools, but I'm also not there to contribute further to shame of like. Shame on you. I can't believe you said that to your child, you know. And so validating some of those experiences for them, or some of maybe their interactions with their child, and really trying to understand their perspective. For clients that, or parents of clients that do want to incorporate their faith into the treatment process, we call it out for what it is and we say you know, that really sounds like the enemy to me, that does not sound like the voice of God, that sounds anti-gospel, that does not sound like grace, and so we talk about these things in terms of spiritual warfare. But really, again, listening, coming alongside these moms, listening to them, validating them, trying to understand their perspective and then helping them to better understand their daughter's perspective, perhaps in a way that they are unable to simply because of the dynamic, because of the close relationship, because of the close proximity within the home, whereas I'm kind of this third party observer, and sometimes it can be really helpful for moms to see me explain what their daughter's perspective may be in that scenario.

I think that has to be really helpful. And you bring up the spiritual warfare, which is not something personally I talk about a lot, but that doesn't mean that it is not there, and I, in my opinion, I mean what better way for the enemy to break down what we are able to do in terms of loving others and doing whatever it is that God is wanting us to do, than to turn that focus on ourselves and not feel like we are worthy of doing that because our body isn't a certain size or shape.

Yeah, absolutely Well. So then some shame comes there as well. Well, I don't feel equipped to navigate this topic when I'm still figuring it out myself, or I don't feel equipped to navigate this topic with my daughter because of my own food and body issues, and I think that that shame is absolutely there, lurking as well, and prevents a lot of fruitful conversations that could otherwise be had.

I agree We've gone so off course of what I had I wanted to talk to you about. But I think these are good and, as you're saying this, I'm just thinking about these moms and daughters and how truly hard it is, and so I'm wondering if you could give some guidance. So I'm just gonna paint a scene for you and I would love for you to come take a mom's hand and just gently guide her through that. So say, a mom has a high school daughter who is getting ready to go out and her body maybe doesn't fit into the typical I don't wanna say typical size, but you know what I mean and she's wearing some things that maybe aren't super flattering, but they are what people might say culturally appropriate. It's like what the kids are wearing, it's what they're wearing, and the mom is sitting here thinking I'm really concerned about that. And then also she's going to I'll use Waterburger because you and I are both Texans she's going to Waterburger and all of that. And it's just that I'm so fearful of what might be said. I'm fearful of what I'm fearful. Help us navigate that.

I think that's really difficult and I think that if the mom is concerned about her daughter's clothing, it's probably important maybe not verbally but at least in her mind well, probably verbally as well as she's talking to her daughter to make the distinction between am I concerned about the modesty or lack of modesty of this outfit or am I concerned really about how flattering or non-flattering this is? Because I think those are two different things. You know you don't want your teenage daughter's boobs hanging out at Waterburger. That's a good, normal concern for a mom to then step in and say something like go put on a I don't know turtleneck. My kids will hate me when they're in the teen years. But so I think there's a difference between I'm concerned about the modesty of your clothing versus kind of the flattering portion and honestly, amy, I don't know. I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this too. My knee jerk reaction to your question or my knee jerk thought is, if mom is concerned, okay, she doesn't. You know, that may not be the most flattering look for her. Should I say something? Because, again, I want to protect her. I love her. I don't want her to go to Waterburger and someone say something and, you know, make fun of her. That could be harmful. I kind of think, well, whatever you're planning to say mom, could be as equally harmful, depending on what said you know of. Like, oh, that's those genes, just really I don't know, aren't maybe the best for your body type, or whatever other thing might be said or might be thought could be as equally hurtful is what mom is scared she might hear once she gets to school, and I don't know because. Then the question becomes well, do you just let her go? And I'm kind of thinking, well, if our boobs and all the other important places are covered, yeah, maybe. I'm curious to hear your thoughts on that, though.

I think it's a good perspective. I don't think I'm an expert at all in this, but I think that words can harm and hurt, no matter who they are coming from. And, to tease on that, do we want them coming from us? Who, as a parent, who should be one of the safest places that there are, and what kind of precedent is that setting in your relationship with your daughter?

I mean again, that's difficult and I'm wondering if your thoughts are it is more safe and loving to come from a trusted person like your mom versus to go and hear it from a friend. I also kind of wonder, on the flip side of that, is it more hurtful to hear something from your mom? And then you take in the variable of has the daughter asked for anyone's opinion in the home, of how does this look? Does this dress make me look weird, or you know anything like that? There's a lot of different variables to tie into. I remember, even as a teen or college years going through a very I don't know what phase. To call it casual isn't a good enough description. But basically, friends and I would wear like men's, like Walmart sweatpants, men's Walmart sweatpants on campus, like cut off into Capris, with just regular scissors, no himming or tailor involved, very relaxed look, if you will. And I remember being home from college and we were headed out to eat with some friends going in a very similar app t-shirt and some of those cut off sweatpants, and I remember my mom making a comment nothing related to my body at all, but, like Kristen, you're wearing men's cut off sweatpants from Walmart to like go eat. There wasn't so much, I think, an emotional attachment to that comment. Maybe some thoughts of like physical appearance is important to my mom, but now, as a mom, I very much relate to that. I want to brush my daughter's hair before sending her to preschool. So I don't know, I think. I think it is a tricky topic to navigate and I really think, amy, it depends on the relationship with the daughter.

Well, it is a very nuanced one where there are a lot of complexities, including, like you say. Maybe that's the foundation of what's the relationship with the daughter, and how safe will your daughter feel? And have you filled up her cup with other positive comments, affirming comments, so that one doesn't feel like just another job?

Can I share one example that just came to my mind? It may help address that a little bit more. This is an adult client that is in her early 30s that I've been working with and she just got married and her mom was with her. She's had some just difficult childhood experiences in regards to navigating conversations with her mom. Her mom has been very vocal about her concerns with her body and believing that this client could lose some weight and so obviously, as I mentioned, she's an adult, has just recently gotten married. Her mom was with her for the entire bridal dress process, so from searching for the dress, purchasing the dress and then every fitting leading up to the wedding and I know again, this is just speaking for one person, but for that individual she did say to me Kristen, it has been so helpful that my mom has not said a single thing about my body this entire process. She may comment on the dress and I welcome those comments, but this whole time and this is months worth of constantly going back to the tailor nothing was said from her mom about her body. And for that client in particular, she found it to be so helpful.

Yeah, that is. I can only imagine how I can imagine the trepidation that your client may have had going into a lot of those, and just the being pleasantly surprised every time that, gosh, no comments were made about my body and that is such a great way to restore that part of the relationship that it sounds like maybe wasn't as strong as perhaps the mom might have wanted, and maybe your client as well. Okay, so you're, we are. We have gone down a total rabbit hole here and I want to get back to. I want to get back to food, since you're a registered dietitian, but I have always thought that registered dietitians, and particularly those who deal with body image and eating disorders, I mean that is so intertwined with a special type of counseling with clients, and so I know these are things that you deal with all the time with your clients. So let's let's pivot a bit and talk about the food aspect. So you have an intuitive eating focus in your practice. You've been learning more and more about it and just think it makes sense. It's sometimes a bit harder to apply, but I know that's why we have great providers like you. How can we start to reverse course from all of this diet, culture and all of our body shaming with our older kids, like we may have planted. I'm trying to think of that Bible. What's the Bible story? That the parable about throwing it, throwing it in the feed Like the rocks and the pebbles, all of stuff, like I feel like we've thrown just rocks out of. Don't eat this, eat this, this is healthy for you, this is good for you, this is bad for you, and those are just the rocks that we're not going to produce a fruitful vine or tree or whatever. So how do, how do we reverse course with all of this?

I think it starts with having conversations again, whether it's a child still living in the home, a teenager still living in the home, or even adults, children of you know, you, you've heard it before, you've learned better, you do better. But I truly believe that and so you know a lot of parents will say well, this is how we've always done things in our home. It feels kind of awkward to change now. Or this is the message that we sent to our kids. You know, sent our kids about health and about healthy eating and so being able being willing to learn, maybe new ways of thinking about food, new ways of thinking about, you know, feeding yourself, even grocery shopping, all of those things, and being willing to have open conversations when appropriate, with your children, especially in areas where it might get confusing for them because they feel like kind of a message has been set and now mom's kind of maybe changing her thought process or beliefs on the topic.

And I think too, but just kind of sticking with, that they will realize the change after you know. Like repetitive oh, I wish I had a good, like sticky statement for this but basically like repetitive actions will stick eventually, and they have. Maybe they have to learn how to trust it's not going to turn into. Are you sure you want that second piece of pie on Thanksgiving? Right, right?

Yeah, again, I think you know having discernment for when to say something, when to not say something. Again, depending on the age of the child. If it's someone still living under your roof, the parent is ultimately responsible for the food that's coming into the home, you know. So maybe with what the parent is learning and how they're navigating some of these things, maybe some of the stuff that they're bringing into their home has changed, you know, and so that's probably not going to go unnoticed by the child, depending on their age. It kind of goes on both ends of the spectrum, you know. Sometimes you know parents might be bringing in more protest, focusing on again, not with that diet mentality, but I love how you word things, you know what helps you feel and function well. So focusing on what are some of these items that we can add to our plate, instead of focusing so much on what are things I need to take out, what are things we need to throw away, you know, get rid of out of the pantry. So with that there might be noticeable changes in the home. That mom has more, you know, readily available grab and go produce items. On the flip side of that, you know, for parents that worried about their child's weight, worried that they might be out of control with food. Some of the moms say, well, we just can't keep sugar in the home. You know she'll be out of control with food. We just can't keep sugar in the home. And then maybe she's found that that's again backfired on her. Maybe her daughter feels out of control at the birthday party when you know she's hanging out at the cupcake bar when everyone else is opening presents and so figuring out how to address that, how do I start incorporating some of these things back into my home? I had another adult client who said I will always have Oreos in our home because of my own childhood experiences growing up and feeling very restricted, and so I think that as parents learn more and grow more, they can figure out what's going to work best for them in their home in regards to their food environment and in regards to this conversation around food and gym.

I made a conscious decision a long time ago, like when my kids were young, that I would always have chocolate, like I would always have, and dove chocolate is my favorite and if it's Halloween then I get the little mini, you know, whatever. And it's been an interesting experiment because I thought, you know, my thing was I didn't want them to feel restricted. Now, I don't have Oreos all the time, but you know I will buy Oreos, I don't have a problem with them, but I, you know, I don't always like as, actually, as a side thing, my son was in the pantry yesterday. He was trying to get something to eat and I came out and I was like I'm hungry, what can I eat? Which is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. When my people say that to me, I'm like figure it out, you can make these decisions. But anyway, I digress. My son was like well, you can make something with the ingredients we have, because I don't buy a lot of like pre-packaged snacks and all of that kind of stuff. Anyway, with the chocolate, it's been interesting to watch their I don't want to say their relationship with that, but their habits with it, and I I don't even know where I could say on the continuum of where they fall, like they don't over, overdo it, but they have a lot more than I would like, simply because I don't like to have to keep buying it but that's why it's about to go buy more, and so I don't. But, on the other hand, like they're big guys and so a couple you know, like what is normal for me is literally half of what is normal for them on a daily energy intake? I don't anyway.

No, I know you bring up a good point with the chocolate and I think you know you kind of have to ask yourself with the kids in your home with the food items is this, is this a bright and shiny object? Because I would imagine, you know, maybe they're eating more of the chocolate than you would necessarily prefer. But I would imagine if you never bought it and then it just appears in the pantry that they're probably going to consume it pretty darn quickly because again it's become this like bright and shiny object. And what I'm about to say is it could be very controversial, amy, but but some parents all suggest again, depending on the ages, this works better for the younger kiddos like try putting the dessert or the sweet on the plate with the dinner. And parents always gasp and they're like there's no way I could do that. They're just going to eat the dessert, they're just going to eat the brownie and they're not going to eat, you know, the rest of the meal. I said let's just try it and see what happens, because if we can work to make it less shiny, so to speak, then it really becomes just food. It still probably tastes better than some of the other items on the plate. But it's crazy. I mean, I'll experiment in my home as well, and sometimes the kids will pick up apple slices before Skittles, and so, just again, it's different for each family, but assessing what's going to work best in your home and, as the parent feeling empowered to be able to kind of set the tone for the food environment, that's all good, and I like how you say what is a bright, shiny object, Because we all have those for sure.

Yeah, Okay, I feel like there's a million other questions I could ask for you, but I want to. I want to end with one of you know, because I wanted to set this conversation up of, like have I messed up my kids and their and their relationship with food or their body? What type of? Can you give us some final guidance or maybe encouragement or next steps, if you feel like you have to the parent who fears they have messed up their kids and I will give a specific example, with kind of the advice that I have.

I had a client, I think maybe mid fifties. It's been a little over a year since. I've seen her. She's doing really well for adult children and she's the one that brought this idea to me. I'm learning this too late, I you know it makes sense to me. I'm seeing progress in my own life. My kids are grown, they're out of the house. I've I messed them up. I feel that I've messed them up. And I asked her pretty directly and you know, in a sarcastic manner have your kids passed away? And she said well, no, kristen, you know that all four of my kids are living. I said well, if they're living and you're living, it is not too late to have these conversations with them now as adults. One of her adult children lived right across the street from her and so, again, it depends on the relationship and the comfort, comfortability with, with sharing. But for this client she shared with her daughter. I'm meeting with a dietician, I'm working on my chronic history of dieting and viewing foods is good or bad, and here's some of the things that I'm learning and, gosh, here's some of the things that I wished I would have known when you guys were still in the house growing up that I wished I would have done differently. But you know what? I didn't know that then I was doing the best I could at the time with the information that I had, and they're having fruitful conversations and in this particular family, it's impacting the daughter as well. And so just remembering, you know, for parents to remember, it's never too late to have these conversations with your kids, really no matter the age of I'm learning something different. Maybe I need to, maybe I feel the need to apologize for some things in the past that I genuinely said out of love and care and concern, but this is kind of where I want to take things moving forward and being able to have those conversations as needed with our children and being able to ask for forgiveness. I think there's so much power in that too, and that creates a safe place for kids to then come to us and talk to us about these things when we've shown them we're human and we are in need of forgiveness just like they are, and so I think that that can really be powerful to kind of set the stage for some of these conversations to start happening.

That's beautiful and I feel like that is such a powerful way to repair and restore a relationship that might have been fractured in one, you know, small or big, because of food and body image stuff. And then also I mean I just can't help but think like what a great example of a Christ follower to come in repentance and say I messed up and I am so sorry, and having those difficult and vulnerable but healing conversations.

Yeah, absolutely, and I think you know so many, so many teen clients or young adult clients. They'll say they just assume their mom is perfect. Maybe not in the definition that you're thinking of. Maybe you're thinking, you know my sons don't think that about me, but thinking like my mom has a struggle in this area, there's no way she would get it. She wouldn't understand. She hasn't experienced what I've experienced. This isn't hard for her, you know. And so I think, approaching these kids with humility and saying look, I think I owe you apology for the way that I handled that conversation. It was out of love and care and I think I owe you an apology. I think that really helps to tear down walls again so that fruitful conversations can hopefully happen in the home.

Absolutely, and I don't think that there's any question that it is more difficult for young women now than it was for my generation, who didn't even really have the internet in college, let alone TikTok and Instagram and Snapchat and all of the things where we've got images just just in our face interface, interface. Kristin, this is wonderful, so real quickly. I want you to tell us before I get into the questions I ask all my guests. I want you to tell us about your book, unworthy Weight, which I loved. I thought it was just so fun to get to know you that way and such a great message. And then also, you have a conference coming up that will be coming out a couple weeks after this episode drops, and so tell people about the conference. And you have been super generous to offer a 50% off of virtual access. You guys can get it and watch it whenever with the code GRACETEALTH. That's capital G, capital H and everything else is lowercase. So tell us about your book and your conference.

So before I tell you about the book and the conference, I just there's one quote that's coming to my mind that I feel like I have to share as we end this. And I don't know if you know the work of Jess Connolly. She wrote Breaking Free from Brody Shane, but she has this shirt that she sells and on the front it says no-transcript the women before me will be proud, and on the back it says the women behind me will be free. And I think that's so empowering for us to keep in mind as we finish this conversation today of we can change kind of the trajectory, you know, to the next generation of conversations around food and body image, and it's really never too late for that to take place. So where are the weight is claiming your worth from a number on the scale and finding true identity in Christ. It is a book that shares a lot of my own personal story. It's written in short essay style, so the chapters don't necessarily feed off of one another. I just kind of clips parts of my own personal story with food and body image concerns, as well as some stories, some professional experiences from interacting with clients, all with the goal of helping readers to consider how they've possibly been looking to a number on the scale to define their worth and challenging us to look at these things from a biblical worldview and put our worth back in its rightful place.

And I also I have to shout out that first chapter where you talk about like I don't remember what the title of it was, but it was something like what nobody tells you about.

Yes, well, I appreciate that. So I wrote a good chunk of it. In the early stages of motherhood, with my first I was. There was a lot of body stuff going on, as you can imagine, and I was like what the heck are people not doing, telling us about all of these things and what we need to be expecting? I will tell people what no one is willing to tell them. So I tried to put humor in there as well. It's not a how to, it's not a you know, follow these steps to find freedom. This is my story. Let me give you kind of some truth nuggets to consider and hopefully start the conversation from there. And then the conference and his image is an annual body image conference for teen girls and women. This is our fifth year to have the conference and it's just a day long time of fellowship and worship. This year we will be hearing from multiple different speakers on the topic of body image, will be hearing from some authors, some additional Christian podcasters. Will be hearing from licensed professional counselors, registered dieticians. Will hear from a group of men on a men's panel speaking about things for my father's perspective, a husband's perspective will talk about intimacy and body image, pornography and body image, those type of things, and how the men in our lives can be heard and how the men in our lives can come alongside us and support us, and how we can start fruitful conversations at home. And we will also have a teen breakout session where we'll have a therapist. Take all of our teens for an hour and we'll get to hear the testimony from a teenager high school student, and so, yeah, it's just a day of hopefully planning seeds for fruitful conversations, where people can leave the conference and start having conversations in their churches and their schools and their workplaces and their local communities. Talking about body image concerns from a biblical worldview.

So needed. I am so glad that you are putting this on and I just wish you the very best with it and make sure, if you are listening and you want to get the replay, I will put the link in the show notes and you can get that 50% off the virtual access with the code grace health. Okay, kristen, I have taken a lot of your time, but I can't let you go without asking my final questions. I love learning about tattoos. I don't have any, but I found that when people choose to put them on their body, they they often have a meaning behind it. So I was wondering, if you have a tattoo, if you'd be willing to share what it is and the meaning behind it. And if you don't, if you had to get one, what would it be?

I love this question. I had no idea you were going to ask it and I love it. I do not have a tattoo. I have a recurring dream where I have got a tattoo and wish that it would be off. I have not gotten a tattoo. If I had one, it would be a Mago Day image bearer of Christ, probably around my rib, even though I hear that's painful. And I will say I am the person that loves going with friends and my husband to watch them get their tattoos. I just don't want to partake. So I've been on multiple trips to tattoo parlors If that's what they're called I just have never partaken and don't plan to. I'm the support person.

We all need that. That's great. Okay, do you have a meaningful Bible verse you would like to share?

Yeah, I. What's kind of been coming up for me the past six months, I'd say, if not longer is the verse in John, is John 15 by about abiding, and he says Jesus says I am the vine and you are the branches. If you remain in me and I and you, you'll bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing. And at first I really loved the part about you know, abiding in God and navigating life and thinking, hey, Kristen, like are you abiding? Okay, we need to get back to abiding. But what's really stuck out with me the last couple of months is just the reminder that apart from him, we can do nothing. And I think sometimes we get in a place where we are spinning our wheels and we are exhausted and we are overwhelmed and come to the realization that we're trying to do a lot of things, if not everything, apart from him. And just that reminder to abide in him, Because when we do we bear much fruit.

Yes, and that also goes back to what we were talking. We've been talking about continually of this, these fruitful conversations, and so maybe making sure that we enter those conversations before, maybe with prayer, with an open heart, with a, you know, pointing toward Jesus and in the hopes that that is, that those are fruitful conversations, how can people connect with you?

You can find me on my website, at wwwwonderfullymainutritioncounselingcom, or on Facebook at wonderfully main nutrition counseling, or on Instagram at wonderfully main nutrition. And my email is on the website as well, if anyone wants to reach out to me directly.

Perfect, Okay. Final question what is the one simple thing you want people to remember about this conversation? That can be big, it can be small, but just walking away with one simple thing.

I think the one thing that I want your listeners to walk away with is the reminder that it is never too late to have these conversations, no matter the age of your child, it is never too late to have these conversations, and you do not have to have it all figured out yourself in order to begin having these conversations, because if you're waiting to have it all figured out, like we'll probably never have conversations, so I would want your listeners to keep that in mind. It's never too late and you don't have to have it all figured out.

So true, okay, that is all for today. Go out there and have a great day.