Raising Our Daughters with a Healthy Body Image: Rewind & Refresh

Transcript

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Hey there, welcome to the graced health podcast, your source for aging strong in your physical, mental and spiritual health.

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My name is Amy Connell.

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I'm a weight neutral, certified personal trainer and nutrition coach who loves walks with friends, chocolate and Jesus.

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Whether you're looking to grow stronger as you age, nourish your friends, chocolate and Jesus.

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Whether you're looking to grow stronger as you age, nourish your body, mind and spirit, or fit all the pieces of your health together to holistically thrive, this is the place for women over 40.

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I am here to guide you in the areas I can and bring on experts in the areas I'm still learning, and, of course, we cover it all in a whole lot of grace.

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I'm glad you're here.

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One of the conversations I knew I wanted to have on this podcast early on was raising our daughters with a healthy body image.

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I was fortunate to get connected with a counselor who is well-trained, well-equipped and has walked through this herself to just join the show, and I learned so much from today's guest, christina Chismar.

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However, this conversation originally aired March 17 2020.

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Of course, as you can imagine, any episode airing on March 17 2020 kind of got overlooked because of all things COVID we were trying to figure out how to work and school and shop and do I mean all of the other things in lockdown.

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As you may know, if you've been listening, I have a book coming out for teen girls at the end of this month.

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It's called your Core Strength a young woman's go-to guide to eating, exercise and empowered health.

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It is available for pre-order now, by the way, but because of this book launch, I have had a lot of conversations on other podcasts and having interviews just surrounding our teen daughters and healthy body image.

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Between those, and just having other conversations with other moms, I have referenced Christina's wisdom so many times.

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I thought it would just be worth replaying this original conversation.

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I hope you gain as much value from it as I did and, by the way, I will be coming on after this and doing some wrap up comments.

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I wanted to just reference one thing that she said, but I don't want to give a spoiler, so I will let you listen.

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Be sure to stick around when we are done.

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Let's jump into the beginning of my conversation with counselor Christina Chismar.

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I get asked this question a lot, particularly by moms.

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It's how do I raise my daughter to be confident?

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How do I raise her to accept the body that she has.

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You know she's tall or she's short or she's thicker, you know more sturdy or she's really light, and I think that that's just because I've been a little vulnerable and open about that in the past.

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But the honest truth is I really don't know like these are.

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Like I said in the intro, these are really difficult questions and I know that I am not equipped to answer that well, nor do I have the authority.

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You know, I'm just.

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I'm just a girl.

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I'm just a girl who's had my own issues, who really feels like God has helped her through a lot of that, but I am in no means an expert.

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So today I brought in an expert and you're going to love her.

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I am having a conversation today with Christina Chismar.

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Christina is a fun, loving, creative counselor who is adventurous and experimental in her counseling approach.

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As a trauma specialist, she works to help people feel safe and educates about how trauma affects their brain and their body.

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She practices from a body, mind and spirit approach, which I love, and you know that I'm all about that because our health is so much more than just one unique aspect.

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Christine is a licensed clinical social worker and has worked in the field since 1999.

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Clinical social worker and has worked in the field since 1999.

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She's also get this.

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So she's a social worker, right, a licensed cosmetologist and a professional therapeutic clown.

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Huh, we dig into that a little bit more so you'll learn a little bit more about that.

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She's trained in EMDR, dbt, tbri, cism, nova I don't know what any of those are, you guys, except EMDR, which I've heard has been super, super effective, but I trust that I'm sure it's wonderful.

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Anyway, she's also trained in equine-assisted psychotherapy and play therapy.

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She received her bachelor's degree in social work from Oral Roberts University and her master's degree in social work from the University of Kansas.

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She has a private practice in Colorado Springs, colorado.

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She and her husband Brett reside in Colorado Springs with their two fur baby dogs, which you know I love.

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Outside the office, christina enjoys doing self-care through quilting and dog training.

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Tina enjoys doing self-care through quilting and dog training.

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Now, before we get into the interview, I want to tell you about the time I took my body image challenges, my obsessions and all my vulnerability and put it in a 14-day devotional where I take it to God and explore what he says about my health through his word.

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Then, for some reason, I decided I should share that journey with you and make it even more vulnerable and weird and awkward for me.

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If you'd like to join me in that journey and receive the free devotional, head over to gracedhealthcom.

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Slash devotional and tell me where to send it.

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And you know, there's going to be a lot of grace, because that is what we are all about here at Graced Health.

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Okay, enough about that, let's bring on Christina Chismar.

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All right, christina, thank you so much for coming on to the show.

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I am so grateful that you're here Now.

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I have introduced everybody ahead of time, but I know that we're here to talk about body image.

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But I just need to dig in a little bit to your bio, because I think you are the first person I have ever spoken with who is a professional therapeutic clown and at the same time, a licensed cosmetologist.

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So can you tell me a little bit about what you do with that?

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Absolutely.

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So my therapy clowning came into play in grad school.

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It paid for my grad school, but I mainly developed a humor therapy program for a hospice agency to be able to do pain management for people as they were dying, and we realized that we could have a humor therapy visit where I clown and go in costume for three to five minutes with a patient and it lowers their pain management by two minutes or, I'm sorry, up to half for at least a week.

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So that's how my clowning got started.

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And then, yeah, and then cosmetology came into play when I was having my own identity struggles and was like, oh, I don't think I could be a therapist anymore, I think I'm going to have to quit and do something else, and decided to go to cosmetology school and that was a great experience to connect the dots on a lot of my own body image.

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Oh, wow, well, that that is really cool.

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And I have to say too, I love the Oral Roberts.

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So I actually went to high school in Tulsa and lived there at the beginning of my yeah, so you and I, when you, when you were there, you and I crossed paths.

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We probably didn't know it, but but, yeah, exactly Exactly.

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Tulsa is a great town.

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I don't.

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I live in the Houston area now, but I still actually I'm going back in a couple of weeks, so that's kind of fun.

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And then I have to ask, because I have a fur baby of my own what kind of dogs do you have?

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Oh yes, I have a soft-coated Wheaton Terrier who is three, and then I have a two-year-old Border Collie Rescue.

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Oh my sister had.

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Wheaton Terriers those are like the little white Scotties, right?

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No, these are more like the teddy bear.

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They start off dark brown when they're puppies and then they have this soft wheat-like color that's more golden as they get older, so their coat actually changes colors.

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Oh well, that's kind of cool.

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I have a.

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Well, we think she's mostly like a blue-nosed pit bull rescue who just showed up on our door or in our driveway and we kept her.

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It's kind of a long story that I wrote in a blog post one time, but if listeners want to read about it I'll put it in the blog post.

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But we named her Grace because we always like to say that God gave us grace, something we didn't even know we needed but certainly adds so much love and joy and laughter and a little bit of frustration to our lives.

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That's right, they keep life interesting, and I saw a picture of her online on your website and she's beautiful.

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She is and I can take no credit for that.

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She just showed up looking like that.

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She really is.

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She really is gorgeous.

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Yeah, I like to.

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I call her my mascot and she likes to come in.

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I do personal training from home and she likes to lay in her bed and watch my clients work and she just, you know, portrays like she's very bored.

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Okay, all right, I won't.

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I won't bore you with all of my dog and my gray stories.

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Before before I dig in, I I want to recognize that I'm going to mostly focus on our daughters and say the word our daughters, but I do want to observe up front that our sons may have issues as well.

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So when I say our daughters, I really mean our children.

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I just know.

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It's just, it's a harder game with girls than it is with guys.

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You know, I have two sons, so I feel like I can ask these questions and focus on our daughters and then mine won't feel like they're being betrayed about anything.

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And I have friends with teen daughters and, because I have been upfront about my own body image struggles in the past, they come to me asking how to raise their daughters with a strong self image.

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So, besides really having my own personal testimony of God pulling out of that space.

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I don't really feel like I have the authority or the qualifications to answer that.

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So that is why I'm so grateful that you are here today because you do, you've got the practice, you've got the years, you've got the letters behind your name, and so I'm just really grateful for your wisdom, and not only in the counseling area, but also where we can intersect that with our faith, because my listeners yeah, I know that's important to my listeners as well.

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So I was wondering that was a lot sorry if you could tell me a little bit about your counseling background and I know that our contact through Focus on the Family specifically pointed you out and do you have a focus on body image with your clients?

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Or, you know, is there anything else you'd like us to know about you before we kind of jump in?

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So, yeah, I've been at Focus for a little over 12 years now, and in my private practice I do a workshop called Finding the True you of Connecting Body, mind and Spirit and being able to.

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How do you become authentically okay in your own skin?

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And so, you know, by having the cosmetology background as well as counseling, I'm a trauma therapist.

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In my trauma work and oftentimes there's a lot of things that block our ability to view ourselves in a healthy way.

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So if we can deal with the trauma things that are preventing us from seeing things correctly, things that are preventing us from seeing things correctly, and we can actually know about the facts of our body and what to do with the body that God gave us, then we can start then to figure out how do I feel comfortable in my own skin and accept the facts of the body that God gave them.

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In my own story, I have gone through times where I have been overweight.

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I grew up in a family that chronically dieted, and so when I went off to college, I gained a lot of weight and ended up at 300 and some pounds, and I would chronically lose 150 of it one to two times a year and regain it all Within four years, I blew out my metabolism and ended up having gastric bypass surgery and then going way too low, so then having to come back into a middle.

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So having all the different being fat and skinny and normal and dealing with the struggles of what body image can look like on both ends of the spectrum has given me a good insight to be able to sit with people no matter where their body image is at, and so for the last 12 years I've really been able to specialize in body image issues and trauma, specifically in helping people recover their body image.

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Oh wow, that has got to be so powerful, and particularly to be able to sit with someone where they are and for you to just hold their hand and say, I get it.

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So, wow, that's a pretty incredible story.

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Wow, that's a pretty incredible story.

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If you don't mind, I really.

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As I thought about how, what, the kind of questions that I'd like to ask you, I really struggled with which ones to do first.

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So I think what I want to do is start off really broad.

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Obviously, you are someone who is attuned to the complicated relationships that women and young women have with their body, just through your counseling and then also, as you just shared in your personal story, if you could choose one positive thing that women did to greater appreciate or accept their bodies, what would that be Like?

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If you were talking with someone you're like you know what?

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Just do this one thing, and I'm not saying that it's going to fix everything, but that's a good starting baby step.

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Yeah, I would say to accept the facts of the body that God gave you.

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If you can accept what you're working with, that's 90% of the battle right there.

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I cannot agree more.

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You know it's.

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It's funny, I feel like there's.

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It's pretty easy to to look at our body and say, okay, so, amy, you've got, you know you've got light skin and you know kind of cat colored eyes.

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I don't even know what color they are and I'm not sure what my natural hair color is, but you know it's somewhere in there and it's really easy to accept some of those physical attributes.

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You know that I'm not dark skinned and don't have dark hair and brown eyes, you know, or whatever that may be.

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But for some reason we have such a hard time of just accepting the facts that you know what I'm short and I'm I'm solid, whereas you know, whereas you know, what that's how God gave me and he is never going to have me grow five inches.

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He's just not that's that's not tall girls and I was always ahead, above the rest.

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And as much as I wanted to be tiny, I am not built to be tiny.

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I am tall and I will always be tall.

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Yes, absolutely, and I think that's so hard to get, especially when you I mean you're talking about high school.

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I mean that's to me, for at least in my story, that's where I'm.

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I so wish I could go back, and this is part of what I do.

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When I speak to girls is like there are ways that God made you that are just the way that they are.

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So I love that you talk about just accepting the facts of your body.

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Just like we accept some of the more obvious ones, we also it's important to accept some of the ones that we forget are by design and not by comparison, correct.

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Okay, so this is something I hear often.

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So and this is and again, this, this is what I love about being able to do this is I don't have daughters, so I all of these stories are from, like moms who I have had conversations with, and I don't feel like I'm throwing any of my own kids under the bus, but so my daughter will start complaining about something like maybe it's her body, maybe it's her you know boobs, it's her face or you know whatever it is, and then a mom responds with you know, honey, I just I think you're so beautiful, you were created by God and you know he's proud of you and you're uniquely made by him.

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And then the daughter says well, you just have to say that because you're my mom, or she has a hard time receiving it.

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So how do we communicate this message to our daughters that we are wonderfully and fearfully made, you know, with purpose, by God, without our children feeling placated or that we're just slaping a bunch of Bible verses on their feelings?

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Absolutely.

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And this is where it gets really hard, amy, because moms and dads, they do the best they can, right, they're going to pump up their daughters as best they can and daughters are just going to roll their eyes and be like that's not.

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I don't believe it.

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Body image is largely a result of one's own ability to accept the facts of the body God gave them.

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So, as much as parents want to do it for them, it's really going to be the teen's journey on whether or not they're going to be willing to accept that or not.

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But with that said, mom's job is to nurture.

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Okay.

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So if girls get enough nurture from mom and get those kind words, so even though she's rolling her eyes at what you tell her oh, you have to say that because you're my mom she's still internalizing it, okay.

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So she still needs to hear.

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Dads need to validate their girls and you know as much as the girls might go, oh, dad, whatever, they still need to hear it, you know.

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So if moms can remember their job is to nurture, dads need to remember their job is to validate and it will sink in.

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The other piece of this is that we have to look at the developmental place that your child's brain is in when we're dealing with body image.

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And in Erickson's model, the two places that your preteens and your teens are in regarding body image is to gain their self-worth through interacting with peers and to communicate their identity with their peers.

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Okay, so both of those involve other people besides mom and dad, and I believe mom and dad can have a role in helping facilitate that.

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Well, let's dig into that a little bit more, Because is that I mean when you say mom and dad having a role?

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I mean, as you're talking, I love what you're saying and my first thought is how do you guide the journey, Like if you're?

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If you say that it's their own journey and it's their own ability, and it's funny that you say where are they developmentally?

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Cause I just talked to a sports dietitian and she had the exact same answer about dealing with your teen athletes.

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So it's really interesting to hear, coming from totally different spots, that you're.

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You're both honing in on their, their development and their brain development, but how do we facilitate that a little bit more?

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Yeah, absolutely so.

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I think, as you interact with them, we know that there's three or four different things that need to happen.

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One is that your child needs to understand and accept their personal facts.

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So do you, as a parent, know how to walk through the personal facts?

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Then we need to help them be able to communicate those facts with other people Communication and how preteens, especially, are able to use their words.

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They don't know how to communicate, so parents need to sit down and help them to be able to do that.

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And then the third thing is to help them develop their own originality.

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John Mason said you were born an original, don't die a copy.

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We have to help our children realize that and be able to help them be who they want to be, so that they can gain self-worth through their peers, interacting with their peers.

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And that's got to be so hard too.

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I mean, I have one kid who seems to not be concerned about being an original.

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But that's a really hard thing for kids to do, because all they're trying to do is fit in with their peers.

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All they want to do is not stand out and not be different.

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That's right and that, and so when we talk about fitting in with their peers is a huge part of body image and getting that peer approval.

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However, you can't control the peer right.

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So there are some peers that are really healthy and will give that acceptance and that response, and then sometimes they won't.

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And there's a great phrase that I learned in cosmetology school that changed my life and that was the phrase some will, some won't.

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So what?

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Some people will think you're funny, Some people won't.

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So what?

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Go with the ones that do?

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Leave the ones that don't.

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Some people will think you're cute, Some people won't.

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So what?

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Go with the ones that do Leave the ones that don't.

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Some people will think you're cute, Some people won't.

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So what?

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Go with the ones that do?

00:22:11.532 --> 00:22:19.380
And that thing really helped me to start to embrace that it's okay to be me.

00:22:21.364 --> 00:22:21.944
That's great.

00:22:21.944 --> 00:22:40.416
I'm sitting here wondering if you think it is helpful for parents to kind of share their own vulnerabilities as they go through and, you know, maybe sharing stories about like I'm just thinking off the top of my head like so I'm 5'4 on a tall day, if I'm standing up really, really tall.

00:22:40.416 --> 00:22:47.121
And I remember in middle school playing basketball and I was terrible at it.

00:22:47.121 --> 00:23:19.492
I just was terrible at it and I'm a fairly athletic person, but basketball is not God's path for me, and so I, you know, I wonder if just dropping in little stories like that and be like you know I did that just wasn't really how I was meant and I wasn't tall enough to shoot the you know to shoot, and just kind of giving our kids a little bit of stories about how we have recognized our own facts about ourselves and accepting that, if that would kind of help them, kind of like a passive way of teaching them, is that something that might be helpful?

00:23:20.546 --> 00:23:26.439
It is helpful because children can take that and be able to compare it with where they're at.

00:23:26.439 --> 00:23:38.480
Parents want to make sure that they're careful, that they're choosing relationship and responding to what their children are asking them for, versus just pressing in and lecturing their story.

00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:43.534
But it can be very helpful to those kids to know that they're not alone Absolutely.

00:23:43.974 --> 00:23:46.286
Okay, that's good and I like that little caveat there.

00:23:46.286 --> 00:23:49.909
Let's turn a little bit to social media.

00:23:49.909 --> 00:23:55.333
You know, I don't think anyone can contest the impact social media is having on our self-image.

00:23:55.333 --> 00:24:13.184
I mean, it know, even as a listener of the Focus on the Family podcast episodes, you know that you have different experts with different approaches.

00:24:13.184 --> 00:24:26.058
But assuming their child is scrolling through feeds and swiping up and all of the other nuances, what can we do to help our children realize how perfectly curated so many of these feeds are?

00:24:26.058 --> 00:24:43.207
And then the tricky part, like kind of like we talked about earlier is getting across to them without an eye roll or mom I know, and then feeling it like it's just one more thing that we don't get or that we are on them about, that they're being lectured about.

00:24:44.429 --> 00:24:44.729
Right.

00:24:44.729 --> 00:25:28.212
Well, and that's always a tricky one, you know, because the social media for a teenage girl is almost as bad as giving a loaded gun to a six-year-old it just is so can be so damaging, and, you know, we really want to be able to to limit the awareness of what is real and what is not real, and so, the more that they can have time in reality versus non-reality, we'll be able to help monitor that, because once they're comparing with things that are not real, it's really hard to change that with things that are not real.

00:25:28.232 --> 00:25:29.615
It's really hard to change that.

00:25:29.615 --> 00:25:32.318
Yeah, yeah, it is, and it's so funny because you know there's.

00:25:32.318 --> 00:26:03.974
So I mean, there are so many filters out there I don't even know what they all are, and I think even as an adult, I forget that something out there may have been totally filtered and I'm sure I'm using the old school term of photoshopped but you know they're all of these different things and you forget that you may do it, and you know that you may do it, but not everybody, I mean, but everybody else's too, and so it's like you see that as their reality, whereas you know that you have altered your reality.

00:26:04.115 --> 00:26:18.087
So I well, and that's why, a lot of times, we'll encourage parents to have to limit so that you've got one hour of screen time for every two to three hours of face to face time with your friends, you know.

00:26:18.087 --> 00:26:30.349
So you're seeing their story face to face and interacting with them in the real world, and then only be having one hour of online time versus the three hours that you've just spent with them in person.

00:26:30.349 --> 00:26:31.776
Does that make sense.

00:26:32.076 --> 00:26:33.824
Yeah, no, that totally makes sense.

00:26:33.824 --> 00:26:34.768
That totally makes sense.

00:26:34.768 --> 00:26:37.678
And I think too I have one who's driving.

00:26:37.678 --> 00:27:04.825
I have a 16 year old son and a 14 year old son and it's been very interesting to watch my older one's evolution of his time with his friends as he can now drive, because being able to drive now I mean he's pretty much driving himself to like restaurants and fast food restaurants, but it's with his friends and that's where they're hanging out and it's interesting to see him really spending and investing a lot more face-to-face time with his friends.

00:27:04.825 --> 00:27:06.210
Now that it's easy.

00:27:06.210 --> 00:27:06.991
And we live in a.

00:27:06.991 --> 00:27:18.198
We live in a kind of a, one of those big Texas size master plan communities that, quite honestly, you could hoof it just about anyone's house, but but it it that has really made a big difference.

00:27:18.198 --> 00:27:31.460
And then, whereas my younger one really still communicates a lot well, for him it's over Xbox, but you know, I do I want to acknowledge that too that sometimes, just logistically, it's a little bit easier once they are a little more mobile and free.

00:27:32.625 --> 00:27:33.968
It is it is.

00:27:34.228 --> 00:27:42.227
And you know, and that's where, if you can get them into groups, that they can make face to face friends.

00:27:42.227 --> 00:27:59.151
So whether it's a youth group, whether it's a hobby group like dance or sports or music, you know, to be able to get them doing something that they enjoy doing with the people that they want to hang out with and they can be successful at it.

00:27:59.151 --> 00:28:19.750
And then helping them turn around and include those who are maybe more outsiders that they can become include can help include those other people that will really help balance out all the different levels of body image with them because they're getting multiple levels with those peers.

00:28:20.372 --> 00:28:21.493
That's a really great point.

00:28:21.493 --> 00:28:22.817
I do like that, because you do.

00:28:22.817 --> 00:28:35.614
I know we have a tendency sometimes to just kind of focus in on our immediate circles, and so if you can at least have several different spheres, kind of like your own Venn diagram where you're in the middle, you are at least going to be a little bit more balanced.

00:28:35.614 --> 00:28:38.132
So that's, that's a really great, great guidance.

00:28:38.132 --> 00:28:43.368
You know, I want to go back a little bit to the nurturing comment that you had.

00:28:43.429 --> 00:28:53.853
I know most of us know a lot of words not to say right, like we don't say gosh, honey, you know you're gaining weight or you look fat, or you know you're bigger than her, or anything like that.

00:28:53.853 --> 00:29:00.126
But I'd like to approach it more from you know the love and the grace that Jesus demonstrated.

00:29:00.126 --> 00:29:04.924
So what kind of life-giving words are impactful for our daughters?

00:29:04.924 --> 00:29:14.481
I mean, what do you see the girls that you work with saying well, my mom told me this and her eyes light up and she kind of gives a little half smile, or you know, whatever.

00:29:14.481 --> 00:29:21.482
I mean, do you have any impactful words or phrases that we could kind of put in our pocket and pull out when the time is right?

00:29:22.664 --> 00:29:47.650
Well, you know, amy, I think parents are so quick to want to know what to say to their daughters, but most of the kids that I work with who are struggling in body image, the words that they're listening to is not what their parents are saying to them about their body image, but it's what the parents are saying about themselves, to their own body image, or what they say about other people's bodies.

00:29:47.650 --> 00:30:13.903
And so if I had to sit down with a parent and say what is the one thing that you could say to your daughter that she could hear you say, it would be to not put down other people or yourself, but to be able to embrace your own originality and become peaceful with your body, so that she hears you going oh well, look, this fits my tall body.

00:30:13.903 --> 00:30:15.185
Or this fits my short body.

00:30:15.185 --> 00:30:20.566
Or hey, look at this outfit that you know, it just fits perfectly, even on my round rump.

00:30:20.566 --> 00:30:25.428
You know, like to be able to, to be okay in your own skin.

00:30:25.548 --> 00:30:26.372
And she hears that.

00:30:26.372 --> 00:30:30.063
So she's not hearing you say negative comments about yourself.

00:30:30.063 --> 00:30:37.710
Or she's not seeing you make comments about oh, she should never wear that shirt because she could see her bubble underneath it.

00:30:37.710 --> 00:30:47.910
You know those are the comments that kids internalize and say oh, my mom doesn't like a bubble on the belly, so I can't have one because my mom won't like that.

00:30:47.910 --> 00:30:56.502
Mom didn't say it to daughter's face, but daughter internalized it because she heard mom say it to somebody else or about somebody else.

00:30:58.266 --> 00:31:00.509
I cannot thank you enough for that.

00:31:00.509 --> 00:31:03.115
That is so good.

00:31:03.115 --> 00:31:06.810
I have witnessed that on many different levels.

00:31:06.810 --> 00:31:29.390
In the interest of time, I won't share a story that I saw something similar to what you're just talking about, but oh my gosh, that is such a great and powerful point and I really thank you for that, because I think sometimes we don't need to pull the plank out of our kids' eyes right, Like we need to look in our own and say, okay, well, what are we saying that our kid is, that our daughter or son is internalizing?

00:31:30.340 --> 00:31:50.491
I will say, you know, I've been on this journey for about five years and or the writing journey, and so my kids have been a part of it, and every now and then I'll say something about oh, my pants don't fit, you know, or whatever it is, and my son will be like, come on, mom, you're better than that.

00:31:50.491 --> 00:31:55.622
He's grateful when he he totally calls me out on it.

00:31:55.622 --> 00:31:56.544
But it's a little different because I've been.

00:31:56.544 --> 00:32:06.271
Really I talk a lot about it because this is my own ministry with just helping women find, you know, their own balanced health and accepting and appreciating their God created bodies.

00:32:06.553 --> 00:32:15.213
So Right and that's an example of a healthy interaction between a mom and a child for them to say oh, mom, you know, stop it.

00:32:15.213 --> 00:32:28.982
But there, if, if some moms sit there and and say, are constantly digging on themselves the, the daughters are going to hear that, oh, I shouldn't eat, that it's going to make me fat, oh, I can't wear that, it makes me look fat.

00:32:28.982 --> 00:32:33.383
You know, daughters are going to pick up on that and that internalizes way more than anything else.

00:32:34.946 --> 00:32:36.570
Oh, that's so good, that's so powerful.

00:32:36.570 --> 00:32:39.324
Thank you for for reminding us of that.

00:32:39.324 --> 00:32:43.573
I kind of want to tackle it a little bit from the other side.

00:32:43.573 --> 00:32:57.923
You know, sometimes we take our kids to the pediatrician and we hear the doctor you know hopefully in a lovingly and gentle way say their BMI index is too high, or they've gained too much weight since the last time they were in.

00:32:57.923 --> 00:33:01.923
And I won't go in on my own personal rant about BMI and the scale.

00:33:01.923 --> 00:33:05.027
You know I love to remind people that there's no BMI index in the Bible.

00:33:05.027 --> 00:33:22.932
But how can we respond to this, both to the physician, who you know has a, who does have a responsibility to have these hard conversations you know they don't want to be saying anything and then also to our children, who might feel ashamed or humiliated or just like the air was just sucked out of them.

00:33:22.932 --> 00:33:25.308
I mean how that's a real thing as well.

00:33:25.308 --> 00:33:30.211
So do you have any recommendations on parents, on how to handle situations like that?

00:33:32.541 --> 00:33:35.579
Yeah, that's always a hard one because it's outside of our control.

00:33:35.579 --> 00:33:51.551
We can't control the story, but we can sit down and educate our kids and that's a great opportunity to sit down with our kids and say, okay, there is healthy of what the world says is healthy.

00:33:51.551 --> 00:33:55.223
And then there's how God made us in this moment.

00:33:55.223 --> 00:33:59.071
And the way that you are in this moment is for a reason.

00:33:59.071 --> 00:34:04.082
It may be because you're in the middle of puberty and your body is hanging on to that weight.

00:34:04.082 --> 00:34:12.402
It may be that you are dealing with sports and a high metabolism, so your body just can't hang on to that weight.

00:34:12.402 --> 00:34:23.813
There's always a reason behind where we're at at any given moment, and if we don't look at the whole picture and acknowledge the whole picture, then we're setting our kids up for failure.

00:34:24.219 --> 00:34:27.943
So, yes, the doctor says this is normal On any given day.

00:34:27.943 --> 00:34:29.769
That is the range of normal.

00:34:29.769 --> 00:34:33.429
And let's talk about what's normal for what you've gone through in life.

00:34:33.429 --> 00:34:54.003
Okay, so you know, if somebody looks at my body right now and goes, oh well, you're overweight and you had gastric bypass surgery, like you know, you must not be doing what you're supposed to be doing Until I add more to the story and say you know what?

00:34:54.003 --> 00:35:03.275
Thyroid cancer killed my body and I'm not able to stay stable in my weight because thyroid cancer affected it.

00:35:03.275 --> 00:35:08.271
So you know, we have to take what's normal and say, yeah, that is the range of normal.

00:35:08.271 --> 00:35:10.867
Now let's look at what's normal for you.

00:35:12.820 --> 00:35:15.514
That's really good and taking a really holistic approach to it.

00:35:15.514 --> 00:35:18.105
Yeah, yeah, that's really great.

00:35:18.105 --> 00:35:47.476
So the other conversation I've had with several moms which just hurts my heart so much is I've had these conversations with moms who come to me and their children and their daughters are just deeply hurting in one way or another and then unfortunately, because of that, they develop a bad relationship with food and abuse it by either eating too much of it or too little, sometimes both in the same household.

00:35:47.476 --> 00:35:49.724
And I know this is a really, really complicated issue.

00:35:49.724 --> 00:36:03.536
So I'm sorry to put this toward the end, but what kind of recommendations do you have for that mother who sees her child in just so much pain and feels powerless to do something about it or to help her?

00:36:04.940 --> 00:36:05.221
Yeah.

00:36:05.221 --> 00:36:22.172
So when we start looking at the reactive brain, which is our survival brain, which tells us either we're going you know, our survival brain's built to keep us alive right, and in relationship to food, that's going to be one of two or three things.

00:36:22.172 --> 00:36:30.414
One is I'm either going to eat as much of it as I can in order to feel full, because I don't feel safe unless my stomach is full.

00:36:30.414 --> 00:36:42.036
And for that child, I would say give them a protein snack every two hours to be able to help the brain perceive safety in the area of food so that they calm down in their need for it.

00:36:42.036 --> 00:36:46.146
Safety in the area of food so that they calm down in their need for it.

00:36:46.166 --> 00:36:54.427
You have, on the other end of the spectrum, people who avoid food or will hoard it and steal it, and for that family it's offering it regularly and saying, hey, yes, you can have this.

00:36:54.487 --> 00:36:57.581
Yes, use your words to ask me for what you need.

00:36:57.581 --> 00:37:03.213
And the grief that the parents go through watching their child struggle with food.

00:37:03.213 --> 00:37:04.280
That's real.

00:37:04.280 --> 00:37:38.648
And the parents to be able to give themselves permission to grieve the loss of the type of relationship with food that they want for their child and accept the type of relationship that their children currently have with food I think is huge, because when we try to fix it, instead of acknowledging and sitting in it and being like, okay, I'm going to offer solutions, we're not just going to say, oh well, too bad, you have this issue with food, I'm not going to do anything about it.

00:37:38.648 --> 00:37:40.621
No, we're going to be responsible parents.

00:37:40.621 --> 00:37:53.965
We're going to say I'm walking this journey with you and we're going to work towards health and wellness and figuring out what do you need in order for your brain to perceive safety well enough so that you can breathe and enjoy food.

00:37:55.809 --> 00:38:15.851
Yeah, that's great, and because I think such a challenging process for so many of us is enjoying food and having a healthy relationship with it and recognizing that God gave us food to enjoy in so many different situations, and, yeah, I think that's a really great place to end, too, with just enjoying food.

00:38:17.161 --> 00:38:20.811
Yeah, you know this is not a focus resource, so I hope it's okay that I say this.

00:38:20.811 --> 00:38:25.771
But my favorite book on that is Intuitive Eating, and I can't even remember who the author is right now.

00:38:25.771 --> 00:38:38.981
But it talks about how do you take back the joy of food, of how do you know how to tell when you're full and when you're not full, when to eat and when to stop eating, and it rebuilds your relationship with food.

00:38:38.981 --> 00:38:42.490
I wish I could remember who that's by, but it's called intuitive eating.

00:38:42.871 --> 00:38:46.300
Yeah, well, you know what, if you think of it, or we'll put that in the show notes.

00:38:46.300 --> 00:38:58.092
And so I'm familiar with intuitive eating kind of that, that theory on eating, I think it's, I think it's great and I think it really does help us just be in tune with what our body is needing.

00:38:58.092 --> 00:39:07.893
So we'll, we'll, we'll get that and I'll link it down in the show notes for everybody to get to.

00:39:07.893 --> 00:39:09.510
And then I know you have several resources that you provided me.

00:39:09.510 --> 00:39:09.833
We're going to put them all down below.

00:39:09.833 --> 00:39:11.773
Are there any that you would like to particularly highlight before we jump off the phone?

00:39:11.773 --> 00:39:19.864
And then, secondly, if you can tell people how, if they want to connect with you one way or the other, do you, do you have private practice?

00:39:19.864 --> 00:39:20.887
Is that what you said?

00:39:20.907 --> 00:39:21.527
one way or the other?

00:39:21.527 --> 00:39:22.168
Do you?

00:39:22.168 --> 00:39:23.210
Do you have private practice?

00:39:23.210 --> 00:39:24.811
Is that what you said?

00:39:24.811 --> 00:39:24.952
I do?

00:39:24.952 --> 00:39:36.782
I do have private practice, and the the my website for that is Christina Chismarcom, which is the fastest way to see my information.

00:39:36.782 --> 00:39:40.409
And then I have I have a Facebook page, but I don't keep up with it as regularly as I want to.

00:39:40.409 --> 00:39:43.114
So, yeah, people can always email me if they have questions.

00:39:43.114 --> 00:39:45.786
It's probably the fastest way to connect with me.

00:39:46.106 --> 00:39:50.099
Okay, the resources that I sent you.

00:39:50.099 --> 00:39:53.746
I'm trying to get into my computer as we speak, so hang on just a second.

00:39:53.746 --> 00:40:00.666
It went into sleep mode and I'm having to remember my password to get in.

00:40:00.666 --> 00:40:05.094
Okay, so let me look at those really quickly.

00:40:13.219 --> 00:40:15.512
Oh, I really like the finding your beauty in God's eyes and navigating beauty and body image with teen daughters.

00:40:15.532 --> 00:40:17.000
Those two are broadcasts that just give a lot of information.

00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:23.264
And then the what is Beauty is a article series that gives a bunch of resources.

00:40:23.264 --> 00:40:34.536
And then the resource that I use a lot with my teens and parents is the DNA of relationships, the DNA of parent-teen relationships specifically.

00:40:34.536 --> 00:40:56.920
They're in there for helping parents and teens learn how to communicate, so you can figure out what your fear dance is and be able to help your kids to perceive safety, and that just is a really good communication tool if you find that you as a parent, are struggling and getting those eye rolls all the time of mom.

00:40:56.920 --> 00:40:57.704
You're just not listening to mom.

00:40:57.704 --> 00:40:59.449
You're just not talking to me, and most of that is normal.

00:40:59.449 --> 00:41:00.693
I don't know any teenagers that are not going to mom.

00:41:00.693 --> 00:41:06.590
You're just not talking to me and and most of that is normal I don't know any teenagers that are not going to roll their eyes at their parents once in a while.

00:41:06.590 --> 00:41:08.666
But that's a good resource for parents.

00:41:09.751 --> 00:41:11.498
Thank you, I will check those out.

00:41:11.498 --> 00:41:13.862
Actually, as I was scrolling through, I was like, ooh, I will.

00:41:13.862 --> 00:41:15.485
You know, I've listened to that one, I've listened to that one.

00:41:15.485 --> 00:41:16.867
I really want to read this.

00:41:16.867 --> 00:41:18.710
It's going on, so it really is.

00:41:18.710 --> 00:41:28.612
So, make sure listeners, make sure you check all of the information out on the show notes, because Christina really has provided just a wealth of information.

00:41:28.860 --> 00:41:31.989
And, Christina, I just really want to thank you for your time today.

00:41:31.989 --> 00:42:08.911
This is such a hard subject and I'm sure we could spend a lot more time on it, but I just really value your wisdom, I value the intersection that you provided with that, as well as with our faith, and I just thank you for the work that you're doing, because we have I think we have an awareness about it now, and particularly women, you know, around our age, where we're starting to realize that, oh, this was, you know, this needs some attention, and I'm hoping that some of the hard work that's being done now, particularly by moms and daughters or, you know, women who are in counseling, I really hope that continues.

00:42:08.911 --> 00:42:11.204
And so this is we're not talking about this.

00:42:11.204 --> 00:42:14.271
We're not talking about this 30 years from now.

00:42:15.539 --> 00:42:17.101
Yeah, I agree.

00:42:17.101 --> 00:42:32.637
You know, I think it is a hard subject because it affects so many people on a personal level where it's really hard for some people to look at themselves in the mirror, just interacting with their own body image, and then to have to interact with it with their kids.

00:42:32.637 --> 00:42:37.025
It's so awkward and uncomfortable and women will avoid it like the plague.

00:42:37.025 --> 00:42:47.887
So I hope that people are able to just start accepting themselves more and allowing themselves to feel comfortable in the body God gave them, so that we can be healthy.

00:42:49.090 --> 00:42:51.153
Amen, okay, all right.

00:42:51.153 --> 00:42:56.164
Well, christina, thank you again so much for your time, and we will talk to you soon.

00:42:57.266 --> 00:42:58.128
All right, sounds good.

00:42:58.128 --> 00:42:58.931
Thank you so much, amy.

00:42:59.251 --> 00:42:59.853
Okay, bye-bye.

00:42:59.853 --> 00:43:03.210
I just loved Christina's wisdom there.

00:43:03.210 --> 00:43:10.173
When I interviewed her, I had not yet started asking my guests to provide the one simple thing.

00:43:10.173 --> 00:43:27.708
I don't want to be presumptuous, but I have to imagine if I asked her what the one simple thing would be, it would be that which she offered us just at the very end, with just accepting ourselves and allowing ourselves to feel more comfortable in the body that God gave us.

00:43:27.708 --> 00:43:41.126
And, let's be honest, I think that applies to us as well, as mature women who are learning to love our bodies and accept our bodies, even though they have changed as well.

00:43:41.929 --> 00:43:45.344
The other thing that I loved is that her mention of intuitive eating.

00:43:45.885 --> 00:44:11.864
That was before I had read the book, and I think I was vaguely familiar with it but hadn't really delved too much into it, and so what I really love is, well before we started even having conversations, god was planting seeds that this really makes sense and this is nourishing to our body and to our soul, and I loved that little nugget that she offered, because obviously that was four years ago.

00:44:11.864 --> 00:44:25.567
Thanks for listening, or listening again, if this is the second time for you to hear it, it was probably the fourth time for me to hear it and I still picked up nuggets of wisdom and application, so I hope it was valuable to you.

00:44:25.567 --> 00:44:34.909
We will be continuing our conversation about parenting our teen daughters in particular, but of course it goes for our sons as well.

00:44:34.909 --> 00:44:45.224
Next week, I am going to share five things we can do to help support our children as they start to be more interested in taking care of themselves.

00:44:45.224 --> 00:44:49.253
So make sure you tune in next week for a new episode.

00:44:49.253 --> 00:44:50.945
That's all for today.

00:44:50.945 --> 00:44:52.976
Go out there and have a graced day.

Raising Our Daughters with a Healthy Body Image: Rewind & Refresh

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