#19 | Part 3 Tom & Joe - Best Stress Management Techniques: Top Mental Health Tips & Real Stories

0:00:00 - Speaker 1

Previously in part two, just so stressed to the eyeballs and you really worry about them.

0:00:04 - Speaker 2

Looking back at it now, do I want to be 50, burnt out, destroyed my relationships in a way. That's what a lot of people do.

0:00:12 - Speaker 1

I feel like with therapy. For me it was just giving myself the tools to be able to cope with myself better, but also other people. What?

0:00:17 - Speaker 2

would you say for people that are stressed because we talk about? Was it the last episode we talked on where we got a lot of stuff from stress?

0:00:24 - Speaker 1

we did a mind bite on it.

Yeah, we did a mind bite on it, yeah what's your sort of view on on stress, not just in the workplace, but for mental health awareness month, stress is gonna be a massive thing, yeah we talked about this a lot and that's just the management of it again, a bit like anxiety is. Everyone can, everyone will feel stressed in their day to day. There's not a day where I don't feel stressed for some reason, whether it be on the drive here or the drive back, or stress with clients or anything to do with work. Stress with you, like there are always times where we feel stressed at things.

I think it's just no comment, no, no, no. So I feel like it's just, it's a management thing and we spoke about this, you know, um at length the other day uh, on a mind bite all online and it was fascinating because to know sort of the the ins and outs and the uh and the goings-on of people that really cope with and or don't cope with with stress and some people you can see day to day who are just so stressed to the eyeballs and you really worry about them, something really severe happening to them because like you say, like with your dad, for example.

He works in the city for God knows how long. He must know people who have had serious, serious issues as a result of just the work life of working 18, 20 hours a day in the city, slogging it for you might be earning really good money, but for me I look at that and I see people.

0:01:36 - Speaker 2

Is it worth it?

0:01:37 - Speaker 1

I see that and I see people doing that day to day and I think there's no way in God's green now, so I'd ever want to do that. It doesn't matter how much money I could be earning. I see people who are 30 years down the track.

0:01:47 - Speaker 2

I'm like nah give me my life over that any day of the week and I'm fortunate I can choose not to what do you think that mentally has an effect on those people, like when they're done from it do you think that will have a big mental effect being like 18, obviously 18 hour days. Some people do do that, yeah, and do you reckon when they finally stop it? It's just like what do I do?

0:02:08 - Speaker 1

yeah, mentally, physically, they're completely dust and how, like 30, like and and the rest, like that it is. You see, people in their mid to late 20s who are being made to work. I say being made to. You know you can, you can leave, but I know it's not as easy as just saying yeah, it's not as easy as that.

If you're working for a law firm, you know in the beginning you're, you're, you're expected to work and they'll say that like you're paid for eight hours a day, but if you don't stay until 10 PM, then you know we'll find someone else that can replace you. So I feel like if you're the kind of person who can cope with that, then fine. I'm unfortunately not one of those people who can cope with that, as I found out in the city. So I feel like it's a stress management thing and, to answer your question, I feel like you see people who are your dad's age, older, younger, some way younger who are completely and utterly burnt out by the life of being overworked, sometimes underpaid for their work, and they're just worked into the ground and they mentally and physically really see the effects of it and it's scary, stressed out, they're not yeah, yeah and it's just, yeah, it's just in my opinion, it's so easy to be like, in my opinion, don't do this, but really in my opinion, it's just looking back at it now.

0:03:17 - Speaker 2

Do I want to be 50, burnt out, destroyed my relationships in a way? That's what a lot of people do. It's like no, I want a really nice balance and it's hard to find that balance and there's a lot of hard work still having that balance in terms of my mental health, physical health. You know, relationships, work is so important to me and I actually think it's massively important to the generation coming through yeah, my generation and a lot of people want that perfect balance.

0:03:42 - Speaker 1

They want to go on holiday, they want to travel the world for a little bit, and I think that's that will start coming to the forefront, I think a lot more soon as well yeah, I think, um, it's really important that we sort of raise a next generation of of young adults who are okay with their you know, being okay with not being okay, which is a really commonly used phrase, but it's true but at the same time, giving them the, the, the tools to be able to manage that, because we are in danger and I mentioned this months ago, it might be on our first second episode we did together well, back episode one, yeah it might, or maybe the second we did together, which is two of us where we are in danger of just telling young kids it's okay to have anxiety and depression, but then they're a bit like, okay, and what?

what? Now I wrote the band-aid off and I told you my problems, but you've not told me how to fix them. So I feel like we are it's it's it's imperative that we tell kids and young adults even you know, older adults, people older than us and younger than us who haven't gone through that period of their life yet, but maybe they come into terms with the fact that things aren't all rosy on the surface and the they are suffering that we say okay fine, we'll hear you, but here's how you can do better.

Whether it be moving more, you know your nutrition maybe needs to change, or all the above across the whole board, and that's how we can help people get into the workplace and work those 12-hour days and not feel like they're really depressed after it because, we are in danger of.

I mean, I hate words like snowflake, but we are in danger I know what you mean creating a generation of young adults who aren't okay with being not okay and they don't know how to cope with it, because it's like, well, you told me that I'm not okay, but then you've not told me how to not be and how to fix that and how to be better, stuff like this, so people can actually take the tools that we, we post.

0:05:21 - Speaker 2

We're obviously we're not doctors, we're not psychotherapists, we don't have, we get them on yeah, we get them on, you can listen to them and we also talk from our point of view. Our mental health journey is battling depression, anxiety, living with ADHD every day and giving the our 10 cents on what actually works. Yeah, for us might not work for the you guys listening, but even just having people just being like maybe try this, maybe try this, rather than just being like do you have this?

unlucky mate, it's just it's like why I grind. It really annoys me when that stuff happens like it. It's actually like wound me up just when you were saying that we talked about that. I remember the chat, episode 10 or something, and it's very frustrating. Coming back to the episodes you on episode 1, we talked about psychotherapy with yourself for mental health awareness month. If you're new here, joe did psychotherapy. Thought it was amazing. I've done cbt therapy before. I've seen a child psychologist before. Um, all these things were great for me. I want to talk about support systems for mental health awareness months. What type of support systems can people go to, can go see in every aspect of?

0:06:27 - Speaker 1

life that has worked for you, and what advice would?

you give, because I know some have them, yeah, yeah, so I feel like it touching on what you just said, then I feel like it's just for again anyone who's thinking where do I start? I feel like it's just about understanding what works best for you as an individual, and that sounds really cliche and obvious, but for me I tried. I think it was a third or fourth therapist along the road before I found nikki anstey and she was very much. She actually really reminded me of dr Mark Radcliffe and how they work and how they speak and how they project themselves. The first two or three therapists that I'd seen were similar, but I just didn't like how they were.

I didn't, I didn't really connect with them, I couldn't open up and that's the half more than half the battle of of seeing a therapist is just being able to be having an open conversation, just like you and I are now, and this isn't actually too dissimilar to how therapy works for people. It's just sitting in a room or online, as a lot most things are nowadays. I prefer to have the interface to face connection because that's how I work and operate. Yeah, the whole online thing is there's too much sort of falseness. There's not a face to see, even though it's through a screen. But kids nowadays probably are more experienced with on-screen stuff than maybe I was when I was their age.

0:07:33 - Speaker 2

So I think both have their place, as they are massively so I think, like you said, finding what works, yeah, absolutely, because online for some people, that sort of getting up, getting in the car to go and see someone, that stress of being like, oh my gosh, I'm about to talk about problems, yeah, rather than just logging on the computer, having the comfort of being in your own home. That's why, why I think there's such a nice balance between them both and, like you said, finding what works best for you.

0:07:56 - Speaker 1

Yeah, I think and not just that is, I think that online now, if you were to type in therapist for I don't know, boys and girls under the age of 16, and you can find a plethora of people out there now, whereas maybe 20, 30 years ago you wouldn't have done.

There are so many different options and availabilities out there. And if you aren't going down the nhs route and going through a gp, which again takes a long, long time, if you have the, the luxury of being able to afford to see someone, and I would say this is that it's worth the money doing, if you can find the right person to do it, because you can't put a cost on your mental well-being, because the knock-on effect it has on later on can be, you know, life altering or ending. You know, in some cases, so, um, so it's. It's finding the right balance and things that work best for you, but also, at the same time, is sorting out your nutrition, or you know, your physical health as well, because the two, three go hand in hand. You know it's a bit of a sort of a revolving door of if you can fix one thing usually has a knock-on effect on the other, and if things are so bad. Of course you can then see a therapist or a you know whatever thing.

Yeah, medication as well yeah, there's a space for that, which I know that you and I've spoken about at length.

0:08:57 - Speaker 2

So, yeah, there's those we found exercise was one of our massive ones. We talk about this on every podcast. There'll be people who are tuning into this being like here they go again.

Yes, yes, we are because, we are going to provide as much advice for new listeners and people people listening who are just wondering what they can actually do to better their mental health and exercise has been something that's been huge for both of us, whether that's rugby, crossfit pilates, um, which has been actually pretty big for you which we talked about on the last episode pilates.

Um, we talk about breath work in a way that can be exercise of some kind, and we have tons of things like yoga as well, which we spoke to Annabelle about, but for me, the biggest one was rugby, and what comes with exercise is not just the physical health but also the community of it rugby and crossfit, having the community of the gym, meeting people, getting out, knowing that, even if your brain's telling you don't do it today, stay in bed, it's really cold. Going out there and proving to yourself that you can do it, being in a community of people, like-minded people, is only going to boost you up. We talk about this every time with physical exercise. I think it's so important to highlight it, especially on mental health awareness month, is doing things you're not comfortable doing going going to places, meeting people. When your brain's telling you, no, stay in bed, stay at home, skip. Today, it doesn't matter.

Actually, going out and proving to yourself that you're going to do it allows you to just up yourself, one, one, one every time with your mental health, and I think it's so important Huge, I want to say as well. We talked about the resources and support type thing. We've given our views on medication before we've given our views on psychotherapy, cbt, therapy community. What are some misconceptions that you think about mental health treatment? Because a lot of people, just in my opinion, are constantly like, oh yeah, but you're going to have to do this and you're going to have to do this. What have you found were the common misconceptions when you have gone through things?

0:11:01 - Speaker 1

It's a really good question. The biggest misconception, I think, is that if you ever go to see someone and you reach the end of your, let's say, six week program or you reach the end of your medication've come off, it is that you think that's it. You think that that's like you're cured. I don't think that with mental health you're ever properly cured of anything. I think that's all. It's always going to stay with you.

But I feel like what we, like we came on to earlier, it's just learning to cope with in everyday life and give you the tools to be able to manage those bad days better and, obviously, enjoy the good days. You know more as well, because on my good days I was always thinking if tomorrow's gonna suck, therefore today's not that great, whereas now I enjoy the good days for what they are and I go tomorrow's not been yet, what's the point worrying about it? So my, my mentality shifted. So I think the misconception, to answer your question I feel like, is that there's just this, um, there's gonna be an end to it, and that that sounds.

That sounds a bit sort of morbid to say it sounds dark it's realistic, because you know anyone who says oh, but when did your mental health stop? I was like who said I stopped I didn't say it stopped.

I'm not. I'm not the complete package. I still have bad days and I feel like it's a realistic thing to tell people is that you know you're not just going to click your fingers one day and be like I'm cured. It's not like that. You know it's there are. There are good days and bad, and you've got to take the rough with the smooth. I feel like with therapy.

For me, it was just giving myself the tools to be able to cope with myself better, but also other people. So for the people that are in my life who I wanted to not necessarily get rid of, but maybe manage better, and for those listening and watching this who go yeah, but I'm managing a narcissist in my family, how do I get rid of them? It's not necessarily a relationship. It's well yeah, I hear that because I had the same thing and it's managing them better. Um, so for me it was a management strategy and the misconception was that you just click your fingers and then you've been to therapy, therefore you've seen the light. No, it's just giving me the tools to be able to cope with my life better than what I was before. What about you?

0:12:51 - Speaker 2

you know, I was gonna say what you said at the start and that's why I was thinking. Then I was. I'm trying to listen to you and I'm trying to try to think of another misconception. Is I actually think you hit it spot on? And I never say that he really doesn't. I never say that put it on the, put it on the instagram.

Um no, I completely agree I think it's what you said about. It's just it doesn't just disappear, it's always there, I think. I just think that's what you said about. It's just doesn't just disappear.

It's always there. I think. I just think that's so true and I think that's a not a common lie as such, but, like a lot of people will just be like go see this person, it's done. After that. It's like it's not you. You can minimize these things, but they're always in the back of your head and you're always gonna have dark days and it's just learning to minimize them.

Understanding yourself, like I do now, just as I touched on before with adhd, if you, if you heard that part was, having my low points, having my high points, is knowing the low points coming.

I can't control it, I could go out this room and it could happen, but it's like knowing that and being like I'm in a low point, don't worry about it, I'm, it's not cured, my adhd is not cured, it's never going to be cured in my example. But I think it is just recognizing that and I think it is a massive misconception which I feel like I'm not sure why people think if you go see like a therapist, it's done, but it 100, 100 equips you with the skills to go and improve it and keep building on it every single day to the point where you can minimize it and it's not bothering you every day, it's bothering you maybe once a week or once every two weeks, once a month, and then I think that that's what it's actually about, and then sticking to that discipline of actually sticking to what works and not going back to what doesn't work.

0:14:32 - Speaker 1

Yeah, I think you're absolutely spot on, I think, to answer your question. I don't know the answer to this per se, but I think from my experience is you see enough stuff of clickbait articles online saying how to fix your mental health and they'll click on it and be like oh my god.

0:14:44 - Speaker 2

My mental health has been poor.

0:14:45 - Speaker 1

I'm going to click on this how to fix my mental health and then at the end of it you or a course from Jay Shetty costing you eight grand, and by the end of it you're like I'm no better off and I've wasted weeks, potentially months of my time, all this money, on something, and I'm no better for it, because the initial thing said you could fix something. It's not, it's just learning to be better in your own skin and, um, you sort of compartmentalize everything that's happened in your life and give you, like you say, give you the tools to be able to cope with life better than you were beforehand and there's so much nonsense out there about fixing everything.

It's not about fixing. It's about sort of get, maybe getting over a trauma in your life and maybe moving past that trauma rather than living within that which is annalee spoke so much about. You haven't seen the annalee video, guys, or heard it.

0:15:29 - Speaker 2

I highly recommend it. Trauma chat it honestly was fascinating.

0:15:33 - Speaker 1

Anything trauma-based um from relationships with your friends, family, loved ones. Do check the episode out.

0:15:38 - Speaker 2

It was honestly fascinating it was so good so I feel like she's got loads of episodes. Yeah, not just us. Yes, she in general is an absolute guru, an absolute guru.

0:15:47 - Speaker 1

I swear by her so, yeah, I feel like it's more to do with that than it is about fixing things, and I think you see a lot of stuff on the internet now, particularly nowadays, where the end product will be that you see enlightenment and actually the reality is it's not quite like that.

0:16:00 - Speaker 2

Completely agree. If you could give people one piece of advice that you've learned, you've taken we always ask this at the end, but specifically for Mental Health Awareness Month, what would that one piece of advice be to the people listening?

0:16:15 - Speaker 1

month. What would that one piece of advice be to the people listening? If you're listening or watching this and you feel like you're so far from the end of your journey and you don't know quite how to start, just start by opening up to someone. Find that one person. It might not be your mom, your daddy, best friend, it could be a teacher at school. Find someone who you know you can fight, you can confide in, and just start the conversation. That's the one thing I'd say is start the conversation and you'll look back in a year or two's time and think, thank god I did, because it seemed so insurmountable before you started it and now it seems like it was so easy because you can talk to other people about the same journey. Yeah, I love that.

0:16:43 - Speaker 2

Yeah mine would be just start trying things. Please, just start trying things. There'll be a lot of you listening to this, watching this, who are lost, people who don't know their direction to go in. People who are struggling with family, with friends, don't know what they want to do for work, don't know if they want to go to university, what they want to do after school, what they want to do after university work-wise. Do they want to do a ski season? Don't want to travel? Do they want to have kids? Start trying things and I promise you, slowly you'll mess up. You'll mess up, we all mess up, but slowly things will start falling into place and I think things like mental health awareness month are so important for this bringing the mental health problems to light and saying start trying things. Start doing a who knows a cookery class, start going to library to read that book, start going for that coffee with your friend. Do things, get out. Start trying things, please. Please don't sit in bed and let this eat you up. I know a lot of people watching this will be suffering with that and struggling to get out of bed and sleeping the whole day and staying up all night. Build that routine. Get out, start trying new things and you never know.

We started this podcast we didn't even know we were going to like it. It's become the best thing we've both ever done, and it's the amount of people we've met. The community we've built has just been the single most rewarding thing I personally have ever done in my life. And it all started from trying things and messing up. Three or four goes before and then the fifth one. Here we are and it's the best thing I've ever done. So please, please, start doing that for mental health awareness month.

We hope you guys have learned something in this episode if you haven't. All our past episodes have tons and tons of specific information from our specialized guests, so people like dr mark rackley, annalee howling, just to name a few. We talked about yoga on the previous one. We have had loads of people on, hopefully, loads of things that can equip you guys with the essential tools you need to make the most of mental health awareness month and really go out there and start bettering your mental health. But for the meantime, I'm Tom, I'm Joe and this is Inside of Mind. Stay safe. Cheers, guys.