Love, Loss, and Learning: What Three Decades Taught Me About Unconditional Love
I used to think I knew everything about love. After all, I'd been married twice, had my share of serious relationships, and considered myself pretty emotionally intelligent. But sitting in my car at the beach this spring, wrestling with feelings for someone I couldn't have, I finally understood how wrong I'd been.
Here's what I've learned after spending the last few months diving deep into research about love, talking with relationship experts, and, most importantly – being brutally honest with myself about my own patterns.
The Myth That Kept Me Stuck
You know that phrase "unconditional love"? We throw it around like it's the holy grail of relationships. Parents claim it for their children, romantic partners promise it to each other, and I definitely thought I was capable of it. But here's the thing – I was completely misunderstanding what it meant.
Think about it: how can we promise that our love will remain unchanged through any possible circumstance? Life throws curveballs we can't even imagine. What I've discovered through both research and personal experience is that human love naturally has conditions. And that's not just okay – it might actually be healthier than the fantasy version we've been chasing.
What Really Happens in Our Brains When We Love
The science here blew my mind. Every time we fall in love, our brain creates pathways – like little roads of emotion and memory. These paths become our unconscious map for relationships. When we get hurt, our brain adds detours and roadblocks, trying to protect us from future pain.
I noticed this in myself after my last significant relationship. Even though I wanted connection, I kept finding reasons to keep people at arm's length. My brain was running an old protection program I didn't even know I had installed. The Mirror That Changed Everything
Here's what really shook me: the people we attract often reflect our own level of emotional availability. I spent years complaining about meeting emotionally unavailable men, never realizing I was just as guarded as they were.
It wasn't until I started doing deep inner work (honestly, the pandemic gave me the time and space I needed) that I saw how my own walls were attracting exactly what I claimed I didn't want. Talk about a wake-up call!
Finding Freedom in Limitations
The most liberating truth I've discovered? Real love isn't about being perfect or unchanging. It's about being honest about our limitations while still choosing to connect. It's about understanding that some days we'll feel more loving than others, and that's completely normal.
Instead of chasing the impossible dream of unconditional love, I'm learning to practice what I call "conscious love" – love that acknowledges human limits while still choosing to grow through challenges.
What This Means for You
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in my story, know that you're not alone. Whether you're healing from past relationships, wondering why you keep meeting the same type of person or questioning your ability to love – understanding these truths about human connection can be the first step toward real change.
The journey isn't about becoming perfect at love. It's about becoming more honest about who we are and what we need. It's about building genuine connections based on truth rather than fairy tales.
Remember: your capacity for love isn't fixed – it's a muscle that grows stronger with conscious practice. And sometimes, the relationships that challenge us most become our greatest teachers.
PLEASE keep your heart open to possibilities....there ARE so many out there!
If you are interested in working 1:1 you know how to find me, contact me here by responding, or email me @intentionallysinglepodcast@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram @thegirlwiththevinetattoo
Lauren
[Author's Note: This piece draws from my recent Januaryt podcast episodes on "Intentionally Single, Seeking not Settling." If these ideas resonate with you, I'd love to hear your story at intentionallysinglepodcast@gmail.com]
