The S.T.A.R.S. Framework for Coming Out as a Later-in-Life Lesbian (with Kari DeWitt)
💡 Guest bio
Kari comes from a conservative background, with her father being a Baptist preacher and a long family history of preachers. She has been married three times and has five children, constantly questioning if the problem lies within her. At the age of 39, a family tragedy shook her and made her reevaluate her life. Feeling stuck and unhappy, she asked for a divorce in 2016 and started afresh. It was during this time that she realized she was not straight, which explained the troubles in her previous marriages. This discovery led her on a journey of self-discovery and she started coaching and supporting other late bloomers like herself. Coming out in 2018, she initially thought she was the only one with a delayed coming out, but she soon connected with other individuals who had similar experiences. Kari started a Facebook support group for late bloomers, which now boasts over 7600 members. This journey also helped Kari with her own personal development, allowing her to overcome shame and guilt and be comfortable sharing her story. She is currently writing a book to inspire others and let them know that they are not alone, advocating for everyone to embrace their true selves.
ℹ️ Introduction
Welcome back to another episode of Lesbi-Honest! I'm your host, Sarah St John, and today we have a fabulous guest joining us, Kari. Get ready for an inspiring and heartfelt conversation as Kari shares their journey of self-discovery, acceptance, and embracing their true identity as a lesbian. They open up about the supportive and unsupportive reactions they've received from within the LGBTQIA community, their boundaries with people who hold beliefs against their community, and the importance of not conforming to societal expectations. We'll also delve into their personal experiences, from their late bloomer realization to their journey toward self-acceptance and the intersection of religion and queerness. Stay tuned as Kari takes us through their inspiring story, filled with triumphs, personal growth, and the importance of living one's authentic truth. Let's dive right in!
❇️ Key topics and bullets
- Challenges of accepting one's true self in the LGBTQ+ community:
- Both supportive and unsupportive reactions from the LGBTQ+ community
- Doubt and disbelief from girlfriends due to past relationships with men
- Confrontations with straight religious individuals who are not accepting
- Setting boundaries with people who hold beliefs against the LGBTQ+ community
- Not being responsible for changing others' beliefs
- Surprise at others feeling entitled to label and judge others for their identity
- Awakening of understanding and acceptance in 2020
- Pushing boundaries of personal expression and breaking societal expectations:
- Importance of exploring and pushing boundaries
- Encouragement to draw one's own lines and not conform
- Joy of exploring new experiences and trying different styles
- Prioritizing personal satisfaction over external opinions
- Seeking validation and self-awareness in breaking free from codependency:
- Reflecting on seeking validation from others
- Need for self-awareness and healing
- Embracing eccentricity and enjoying attention
- Late bloomers and societal expectations:
- Impact of societal programming on understanding and accepting oneself
- Difficulties faced by those who realize their LGBTQ+ identity later in life
- Feeling mislabeled and uncertainty about how others label them
- Journey toward self-acceptance and embracing true identity:
- Denial, guilt, shame, and fear of accepting attraction to women
- Influence of meeting an authentic and inspiring woman
- Rejection of societal expectations and embracing personal identity
- Shaving head as a symbolic act and personal expression:
- Desire to shave head despite husband's disapproval
- Inspiration from individuals with shaved heads
- Shaving head as a blank visual slate to redefine identity
- Decision to keep shaved head after personal losses
- Convenience and freedom from time-consuming hair styling
- Plans for travel and documenting soul-led journey:
- Starting a work travel trade program for community and sustainability
- Documenting journey on blog and website
- Living a soul-led life and inspiring others to follow their dreams
- Clarity on upcoming journey and potential destinations
- Relationships with family and establishment of boundaries:
- Challenging experience of coming out to father
- Father's response of love and acceptance with underlying belief of being wrong
- Healthy boundaries regarding religion and queerness
- Introduction of special someone to family when the time comes
- Overcoming codependency and supporting others:
- Personal journey from codependency and people-pleasing
- Support group for late bloomers and expanding personal development
- Writing a book to share story and inspire others
- Importance of representation, sharing stories, and validation:
- Personal experience of discovering identity through TikTok representation
- Support and safety in acknowledging one's truth through sharing stories
- Surrendering, trusting, allowing, releasing, and sharing as key aspects
- Recognizing the importance of the podcast for sharing important stories
📚 Timestamped overview
00:00:40 Struggle, discovery, support: a journey of self-acceptance.
00:04:51 Lesbian woman finds herself and true love.
00:10:26 VX journey, fear, healthy boundaries, queerness, codependent.
00:12:39 Suppressing identities, seeking validation, conforming to societal norms.
00:16:56 Struggling with labels, past relationships, self-discovery.
00:21:37 Long-haired Christian woman shaves head for freedom.
00:24:42 Exploring boundaries, self-expression, and embracing uniqueness.
00:29:21 Rosie O'Donnell encouraged coach in early stages.
00:31:36 Mixed reactions to LGBTQIA self-discovery, personal boundaries.
00:33:51 TikTok brought visibility, representation, and validation.
00:39:53 Reach me at caridewitt.com, social links included. Embarking on a work travel trade journey. Travel, document, inspire, learn, expand, dream.
00:43:08 Second book coming, blog to share journeys.
🧞♂️ Discussion questions
1. In the episode, Kari mentions receiving both supportive and unsupportive reactions from people in the LGBTQIA community regarding their acceptance of their true self. How do you think these reactions from within the community can affect someone's journey of self-acceptance?
2. Kari talks about the boundaries they have set with people who hold beliefs against the LGBTQIA community. How do you think setting boundaries can be beneficial for one's mental and emotional well-being?
3. Kari discusses the importance of exploring and pushing boundaries in terms of personal expression. How do you think societal expectations and norms can limit our ability to fully express ourselves?
4. Kari reflects on their past tendency to seek validation from others. How do you think seeking validation from others can impact our sense of self-worth and authenticity?
5. Kari shares their experience of coming out later in life and the challenges associated with societal labels. How do you think society's tendency to label and categorize individuals can affect one's understanding and acceptance of their own identity?
6. Kari mentions the significance of considering how certain choices make us feel internally and prioritizing personal satisfaction over external opinions. How do you think societal pressure can influence our decision-making process?
7. Kari discusses their journey toward accepting their queerness and embracing their true identity. How do you think societal expectations and norms can create feelings of guilt, shame, and fear in individuals who don't conform?
8. Kari talks about the importance of representation and sharing stories to help others feel validated and safe in acknowledging their own truth. How do you think representation in media and storytelling can impact individuals who are questioning their identity?
9. Kari emphasizes the joy of exploring new experiences and trying different styles without the obligation to fully commit. How do you think experimenting with personal expression can contribute to one's self-discovery and self-acceptance?
10. Kari reflects on their past experiences of burying parts of themselves and striving for validation based on societal expectations. How do you think societal programming can make it difficult for individuals to understand and embrace their true selves?
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