Embracing Change with Jacqui Morgan

Welcome, everybody, welcome to a call for love. And my name is Linda Orsini. I'm a transformational life coach, I have a new online course Emotional Freedom getting unstuck. And I'm here to share with you the message of living in our higher vibration of love. And today, my guest, you are going to love because she really vibrates high in the sphere of loving kindness, not only to herself, but all beings, especially her animals. And her name is Jacqui Morgan, and she's a registered South African counseling psychologist in a private practice. And she offers online psychotherapy to individual adults and couples. She actually graduated from the University of Johannesburg, with a master's degree in counseling psychology. And she comes to Canada where I am living from Johannesburg. So Jacqui, can you share a little bit about your history? And I would like to dive deep. How did somebody from Johannesburg come to Canada. But first, tell us a little bit about your education and how you transformed yourself to become of service to others to psychology? Hmm,

thank you. Thanks, Linda for having me. Yes, this has been quite a big transformation. But my life before becoming a psychologist was a lot bigger. back because it was full of difficulty, I would say I would say didn't have an easy time of growing up. In South Africa, we have such a division in wealth that you're the haves and the have nots. And it's we've got a complex political milieu and growing up there was was tough. I think that we had to make the most out of very little, and yet I was part of the privileged end of our society. And so that was complicated. I had an up and down academic career. And by that I meant I moved around a lot. My parents moved around a lot. And therefore so did I. And it had a real impact on me academically, not to my advantage. What was to my advantage was the fact that I was so involved in sports, and I just loved people and just got into all sorts of trouble and made friends no matter where I went. But it was hard growing up. And I think that when I left when I left school, I started working. And then I got into studies and found out that I was actually quite academic. And ended up doing 10 years and reached my masters. And I have absolutely enjoyed my calling as a psychologist. Such a privilege to work with others. But because I think I know how saw our feet can get from the shoes that we walk in. And so my work is all about just trying to help make people feel like walking, becoming a little bit easier, and a little bit more fun along the way.

I love what you say in your biography that we recognize and you recognize in particular, that we all carry this metaphorical blisters from the path that we walk in this life and you feel like it's such a privilege. I really love when you say that. And when you give that sentiment because being of service to others is not always easy. As you know, you've had a lot of traumatic experiences, counseling others, but it's so rewarding because if we're we're trying to evolve as our own selves, but if we just keep it to ourselves, then we're not a service to humankind.

Yeah, and you know, that said, I did a couple of StrengthsFinder tests in my life and, and there's so many out there and my number one strength is empathy. And yet, often, our strengths also need to be managed, or they can do us harm. So I thought that would be important to say that too.

And I would like to share with the listeners how I met you, because I think it's a beautiful story. You, of course did all your schooling in South Africa, Johannesburg, and then actually did some schooling. And where else did you do your schooling?

Yeah, all all Johanna's. Well, yeah, I went to school all over South Africa, and then did all my university years in Johannesburg.

Which I would love to visit one day. But I understand that, you know, there's a lot of things going on in South Africa now. So you and your husband have moved to Canada. And that's how I met you. And since we have met, it has been such a beautiful union, because of all the wealth of knowledge, but also the spirit that you bring. But I talked to my husband Gord often and we say it's so interesting that from Johannesburg, you have chosen Canada. Why did you choose Canada

because in Canada, they speak English. So that helps a lot that goes a long way. My My husband is underneath assist. And so he was headhunted by somebody in Canada. We love snow. And we love the knowledge that we are safe. And we love to belong to a society that is all inclusive, which we have struggled with in our own country. And I think that there's a lot of work that we need to do as South Africans in repairing the past and truly making making amends for our political history. So it's a real privilege for me to be in Canada, and I see so many, so many different people walking around. And they're also welcome. And they are our values that unite everyone. And it's an ultimately, it's a it's a human rights protection, that every life is honored and valued and, and has the right to be protected. And so it's wonderful being here.

While I've only lived in Canada, my whole life, but I do feel like it's a privilege to live in Canada. And so I am really interested in the concept of recreating ourselves transitioning. And I was saying to you the other day that my sister's, two of my older sisters have kind of are transitioning their lives by moving away. And I think it takes a lot of courage to really uproot your whole self from not only your country, but your friends, your family, all the routines and even the climate that you've always known.

It's true, it's, it requires a person to dig deep. And I never used to like discomfort. And I don't think anyone ever did. I think we're creatures of habits, I think we're creatures of of comfort. But I think that that's something we've got to swing around on its head. And we've got to expand our discomfort and lean into it. And I think that that's part of building resilience. And so with everything that I've had to learn, here in Canada, including doing the recycling, which you just about, need a master's degree in Ocean City. I've had to just suck it up and figure it out, and get frustrated, and then stand and reflect on my frustration and then think, well, you could make this hard or you could think of alternatives. And so cognitively this has been a great move for me. I've had to, to really learn how to problem solve. And with that has come the beautiful gift of realizing that that the problem is is often the solution that what stands in the way becomes the way and and so instead of viewing things as if it's a problem, you're it as a possibility that from this I can learn that from this I can grow stronger. And so I've had to take my dogs out on runs in the snow and I think well, they're not used to running on a lead, okay, well train them. And I've had to to do small little runs with them to get them used to listening to my voice, being patient with them and with myself in the process, so that at the end of the day, we can all win. And we can all say that we've we've grown and embraced something over this discomfort.

It's true, I always feel that when I'm in a place of discomfort is it's something to notice and then to rise above, in order to find the gift in the in the crisis, because I really believe my most uncomfortable times in my life was when I had the most transformation. And of course, I always say it's like a butterfly in a chrysalis. It's hard work. You know, you don't just go in and as caterpillar and boom come out as a as a butterfly, you have to metamorphosis, you have struggle, yes, struggle and, and I always love that, if there was a story once where somebody tried to pry open the chrysalis, too, so that the caterpillar wouldn't work so hard to get out. But it's the it's the effort to get out, like, improves the strength of the bundle is paying the price of the wings. So you can't rush the process. No,

no, and, and I think on a on a deeper psychological level, we shouldn't rush anything, including bear that might come our way or fate, as one might call it. I think that there's a surrender and an acceptance that we've we've got to open ourselves up to, because that, that presses us into being observed observations of our environment rather than being ones that are feeling like they're the object or the victim. And so I think that we've got to give up the fact that this world is never going to be a struggle, because the truth is, it is and it should be. And it's good for us.

It reminds me of getting married, people say all you're on your honeymoon is and then it's bliss. And I was like, if you if you get married, and then all of a sudden somebody says it's less, they're actually doing you a disservice because it's not that it's not a good thing. But it's a transition living together, recreating your life finding patterns and, and so it can actually be harmful when you think of life as, as my students used to say, easy peasy lemon squeezy?

Yes, it's a mystery. And it's, it's when we live under that falsity that, that we begin to feel like well, why me when something hard happens? And that's not a helpful position to be in that why why me because it stops your brain from thinking you start going into an emotional centered mind instead of a rational mind. And I think that all of us have got these two beautiful parts of our minds and the one is emotional and other one is rational and, and where they overlap is where our wisdom resides. And I think that that's what I've had to tap into, you know, if you think about buying a house or, or moving somewhere or buying a car out of your emotional brain, you'll think okay, well I need a Speedster. I need low profile tires, I want packet seats I want, you know, all of these things. It must go as fast as lightning. But if I tell you that now you're gonna be buying a car or a house in your rational mind, you might go well, can I afford the petrol on that car? Can I afford the spare parts and, and so your rational mind can be a killjoy, and, and, and help you but your emotional mind is full of passion and love that can lead you astray. And so I've had teachers try to really find that balance and walk that middle path in my everyday day to day life. And think of wisdom now.

Well, you do have a lot of wisdom because we've talked a lot about life and emotions and the thinking mind and the egoic mind and we've had some really great conversations. What would you what would your advice be to people who are thinking of other moving or retiring or having a transition in their life because time positions are big. And I personally believe now as we are recording this, we're entering into 2024. I feel like there's going to be a lot of shifts. I feel like there's been a lot of heaviness in the past several years. And I feel like with the shifts, they will come transformation. So what advice would you have to people who are a little fearful of transitions and unsure and I last week, I recorded an episode trust and surrender. So I am practicing trust and surrender, but would you feel has helped you on your journey moving from South Africa in particularly, Johannesburg to Canada in the Owen Sound Georgian Bay area?

I think I would say, like I say to all my clients in therapy, and my journey with my clients in therapy, is what I'm doing with myself. And that is to be self compassionate. So to notice when, when the inner child or the infant self is crying, and to just answer just to be a nurturing, sensitive, tuned in mother, to that part of yourself, and to to say, Okay, you're crying because you're hungry, or you're crying, because it's time to take a break. Whatever it is that that you're going through, to really hold the little us hand. And so it's pretty tough right now. I tell you what, let's do this. Let's take a break, and then we'll carry on. And let's think back, we did that and that well. So it's not a complete disaster. Because I think what ends up happening when you make a major life transformation is that you expect so much of yourself. And there's so much to learn, and everything takes time. And so all your coping resources are just overwhelmed. And you've got to develop new ones. But I think before you can develop new ones, you've got to be kind to yourself, otherwise, the critical voice will just come through and say, you know, you really mess that up. Like, for instance, I failed my first learner's test, this driver's test for like rats, he said that, oh, my goodness, and it really knocked my confidence, you know. But I have to get back up there. But first, I needed to sit with a crying infant, and say that it didn't feel good to fail. But that doesn't mean that I'm a failure. And so I needed to really tap into my rational mind, as well and think, What am I blowing out of proportion here? Because that is something that we do when we're under a tremendous amount of stress, is to check the baby out with the bathwater. Instead of just sitting, loving ourselves in order to help ourselves to reach our thinking brain and start to problem solve into the situation. And then to celebrate it every small victory celebrate every small victory during recycling is a small victory for me.

That is so funny. I did they not recycle in South Africa.

They do, but not as well. And I remember our, our, our trash as Canadians color to to in South Africa, we say, our garbage or rubbish. Our trash never got picked up by the track because we did it all wrong. And I had to do the walk of shame, better apartment with all my bags and all my things because we just had it all messed us. And I had to really apply myself in order to get that right. So yeah, everything is different. I mean, the page sizes, you know, in South Africa are a fall which is a certain dimension. The paper here is bigger, which means that none of the files that are brought with the paper in it. So the tension is different. So you're going to punch your paper in three holes because the bowels It is everything is different and different doesn't mean that different just means different. And I think as a society of humankind, we grow up, being familiar, being comfortable with the familiar and then different feels not good. Just because it's different, but different is beautiful. difference is a new perspective, different helps you cognitively to think through a problem in a different way. And so our brains need that. Because when you stay comfortable, forever in a day, your car can drive itself to the shop that you know. And you can do your shopping in the aisle that you know exactly where to find the goodies that you need. I took a week to do one grocery shop when I first question because I was so bombarded and overwhelmed by choice. And I had to really try to, to selectively pay attention to what it is that I came in there to do better, a lot of cognitive. So I needed to be counting myself and I needed to sleep better, I needed to sleep more. So I needed to have that self care routine, which I was then critical about and said, Oh, so you did the laundry today. We'll be do. Come on now. Yeah, no. Sorry. sounds really interesting.

I think that's interesting that you say that, because when we're going through a transition something traumatic, we are so uncomfortable with it, that we rush it, and it's stress on the body. And it really requires us to be more mindful and to go slower?

Yes, very much. So it reminds

me when I'm overly stressed about things, the first thing I do is take something off my list. Because I need to create more space to go a little slower. And my one sister taught me that, you know, do a little less. And people don't like that advice, because they say, you know, when you're stressed and you have a lot to do, you should do more. But no, I, I really well. And it's very comical about the differences. Because when you are always doing the same thing, you don't notice it. For instance, when you're saying about the paper and the hole punch, it is so common to me that I do it really mindlessly. But it's a great reminder that things are so different.

Things are so different. Yeah. And to your point lender, I think that as a society, we get so obsessed with our duties and our roles and our responsibilities that we forget how to, to be silent. And still. And I don't know that that we can care for for for others, if we don't know how to just stop and and care for ourselves and offload ourselves. I think with social media, I think I think we we get insulted by a bit too much information every day to slow down, helps us to be become more mindful and helps us to celebrate our senses, which is so important for mental health care.

Absolutely. And I do feel that you recognizing it and actually sharing it in those words, allows people to hear it and then give themselves permission. Yes. Because sometimes we think that if we go slow, or we give ourselves more, as you said, you know, self compassion, soothing touch, that we're being self indulgent or selfish instead of serving, serving serving, especially if you're in a nurturing role. And so it's really important, I feel, to hear it from others in order to give it to ourselves. While

while said and also the I was listening to something by Gabor Ma Tei. And he throws out the link between working constantly at a pace that is not helpful for our nervous systems and chronic illness. And we are a society that is so burdened by chronic illness and so it requires behavioral change and so we have to do something differently. So, yes, I would say taking the load off to increase the bandwidth to care for oneself is not an indulgent thing. It is. It is as as much as taking a bath every day. It is caring for yourself, because then you can be your best self. And you can think more clearly.

That's beautiful and I completely agree. I'm a big ad The kid for self compassion, especially in this world, where we're really hard on ourselves, and everyone's demanding a lot. And especially now that COVID has, all the restrictions are long gone, everything is full force, we are in a huge swing right now. The traffic has tripled in my opinion, I just feel like everything is more of an insult to the senses, of course, is really great, because we're connecting, but wow, it's just full force now. Yeah,

I was thinking about COVID. And I was thinking about how there was, there was also such a blessing in that period of our lives, because everything seemed to slow down. And it reminded me of the seasons of love of life, and how I'm sitting here in the snow right now I'm watching, it's snowing right outside my window. And my fellow South Africans are all just telling me how hot it is. And it's just amazing. But for those that are making major life transformations, to also remember that seasons change. Because they need to, and winter, just because winter is hard, doesn't make it not beautiful, and doesn't mean that it is death. In fact, it's part of the life cycle. And if fruit doesn't drop from a tree and go underground and go somewhere dark for a while, it can't pop up in the spring. And so when we take that time out to to nurture ourselves, that's part of what we're doing. We're saying Come out, come in come in from the cold. So we can have have a break, have a respite, so that they can be new life to something else. And I missed that from lockdown. It was like I needed something external to give me permission to slow down. And I didn't have to attend everybody's functions, because saying no to me was so hard always. And now no one was going anywhere. And so I could just hit home. And I became the fittest version of myself, I lost the most weight, I grew the most vegetables. I spent more time with my husband. There were some some beautiful moments that I had during that that was taken away from me when when the world reopened again. And I think maybe as much as it was a curse to have something like COVID, it was hard. It is also like a blessing because it taught us something. And maybe we need to not just write that off and forget that maybe we need to incorporate some of those practices in our life now.

I wonder how many people have gotten back onto that hamster wheel. And you know, let those awarenesses just slide away because I feel that I really noticed it. And I made it a mandate in my mind to make those shifts. I don't say yes to everything. Although I do. I was just mentioning at the yoga studio with the friends that I do still suffer from FOMO fear of missing out. But I think that's my personality. I you know, as a school teacher, we always had the summer off. And I remember one of my colleagues retired and she said to me, Linda, the summer isn't as sweet once you retire. Because when you're given the gift of complete reprieve, it's very special. And so it's just like what I think of you're saying the transition of the seasons if we really notice the seasons and move with the seasons. And without saying oh it's snowy, it's great where the flowers but hibernate and go inward and you know, metamorphosis, then when the next season comes, we can really blossom and there's so much appreciation when you see those first blossoms on the tree. Oh my goodness. Yes.

Exactly that and suffering doesn't last forever. And suffering produces something good. So that's part of the seasons of our life.

Well, I really loved this conversation and for I'm gonna say personally, I'm really grateful that you You decided to move near us because I have loved your company. And of course, your husband likewise and your puppies. But if you had just a summary for people, to honor the seasons of their life to honor transitions so that they can go away with this clear mindset, what's three takeaways that you would like to offer them to remember?

I think it would be expand your discomfort hold the little use hand and look for something new every day. However small, however big, just look for something new because the environment is full of beautiful little things that can symbolize a lot for you. So hang on to that as meaning for your transition.

Which makes me think of gratitude.

Yes, I would say I would say that there's, there's there's a grace and a gratitude there. That looking for, for something and appreciating it makes a person feel grateful that they first of all, are able to, to look for it. And to find it and to hang on to it in some way that they can make meaning from.

Now, gratitude is there as particular thing that you're grateful for about your mood.

There are many things. What I'm the most grateful for is that I'm I've become more observant, internally and externally, which, which helps me as a therapist, to do my work a whole lot better. So, as an example, I've become more aware of what I'm feeling, whether it's something good or bad. In fact, I don't like to even name it good or bad. For me, they're one of the same. But I'm so much more self aware, because I need to be to look after myself in what has been a difficult transition. And then I would say that I am more in touch with my external environment. So when I when I run in the cold, I think about how fresh the air is on my skin. And I think about our each snowflake with its six sides, and it's holler middle, contains the sound, which is why my running shoes sound different on the snow than it does on the sand and, and those little things. And when I stop and I see something, I get up my cell phone and I take a picture of it. And I've just I'm seeing my crowed beauties in what nature holds for us. So nature itself is very healing. I would say get out as much as you can.

Absolutely. I feel that. You know, yesterday, I went out took my dog Guinness, and ah, the color came back in my cheeks. I felt invigorated, I felt fresh. And of course, just the other day we went for a beautiful walk together. I don't know it's food for the soul.

It really is. And you know, Linda, that same road that we walked up, Robin I drove down the other day together. And I thought I've been here before. And so what seems like a very strange and unfamiliar environment ends up being little trails like Bear lift in the snow, it's little trails of memories that you gradually lay down. And before you know it a plane all dirt road becomes a beautiful place because you were there with somebody special, who took time out of their schedule to just walk and talk and reflect and do a little bit of exercise. And so things become a lot more comforting in the end through people and connection and the love that we share with one another.

All right, well to the listeners of a call for love. I would say get out and go for a walk with somebody you care about. Right? Is that not a great way to uplift your spirits and connect because connection is such a beautiful thing. So I am grateful for our connection. And I thank you, Jacqui, for being here and talking to us on a call for love.

Thanks, Linda.

So wishing everybody great peace from both of us.

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